Intimate Judaism

Losing one’s spouse is one of life’s most difficult and painful experiences. The process of grieving includes feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and isolation. While grieving the loss of a spouse, one also mourns the loss of identity as a member of an intimate partnership and acceptance of a new identity as a widow/er. Well-intentioned friends and family members may urge those who have lost a spouse to “move on,” while others may pass judgment when they begin to date or find a new partner. We are grateful to Marc Tobin and Jodi Wachspress, both of whom lost their partners to cancer, for sharing their experiences in finding new relationships and providing inspiration to those who have lost their spouses to love again.

The infamous “Sex Strike” was recently spearheaded by influencer Adina Miles, AKA “Flatbush Girl,”  in order to apply communal pressure to men and their rabbis to free Malky Berkowitz, who has been refused a get for four years. This initiative has created a great deal of outrage in Jewish Orthodox communities, and the “responsa” on social media platforms has been passionate and robust. Some have expressed concern that withholding sex, even for one night, is liable to destroy more marriages. Others see the outrage as the problem, and point out the lack of such fury over get refusal.  Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum as they discuss the desperate need for immediate solutions to prevent and free agunot, as well as the drawbacks of this form of protest.

After October 7th, Jews around the world have felt besieged by some erstwhile allies, as some have been silent in the face of rampant antisemitism, and others have openly supported Hamas and its genocidal goals. While there have been many who openly support Jews and Israel, the war in Gaza has also provided a moment of reckoning as we discovered some unhappy surprises about people we thought were our friends. A good example is the reaction to October 7th by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, or AASECT. As an organization dedicated to healthy sexuality, and one which has expressed opinions on hot button issues unrelated to its core mission, AASECT certainly should have issued a statement condemning the sexual violence against Israelis on October 7th. That, however, didn’t happen for a long time – and even when it did, the statement felt like a giant hedge. As a result, Talli Rosenbaum and some colleagues resigned from AASECT. In this crossover episode with the Orthodox Conundrum, Rabbi Scott Kahn interviewed Talli, psychotherapist Dr. Shoshana Bulow, and sexual educator Dr. Logan Levkoff about some of the ways that the AASECT debacle is, unfortunately, representative of trends that are emerging in the United States. They also discussed the trauma of October 7th and the war both in and out of Israel, as well as the binary thinking that has led to the demonization of Jews, the prevalence of antisemitism, agendas that are embedded in the system to the Jewish people’s detriment, the fight against anti-Israel activity across the diaspora, and more.

In many Orthodox communities, premarital sex education taught by Kallah teachers is limited to ensuring wedding night “success” and encouraging strict observance of Nidah laws in order to "guarantee" sexual satisfaction.  Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum as they interview two Kallah instructors, Dr. Hadassah Fromson and Dr. Yosefa Wruble, who discuss how they integrate discussions about sexual pleasure and satisfaction together with promoting commitment to traditional observance. Sharing their research and anecdotal experiences, they demonstrate that religion and sex positivity are not contradictory, but are in fact complementary.

In last month's episode, we discussed many of the physical, psychological and social factors that can contribute to sexual desire discrepancy in couples. This month, we are taking a deep dive in to the role of emotional intimacy, attachment styles and relational dynamics on desire. Joining us is expert Dr. Laurie Watson, sex therapist, author, and co-host of the popular Foreplay Radio podcast.

When there are desire discrepancies between couples, women are often identified as the partner with less sexual desire. Yet the experience of desire may be different for men and women, and the expectation that desire should be equally matched can create feelings of frustration and rejection. The right question may not be “Why doesn’t she want?” but rather, "What does she want and how does she want it?" In this episode we discuss the fluidity of female desire, how biological and hormonal factors play a role, the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire, and the difference between cognitive motivation and biological drive.

As Jews in Israel and worldwide absorb the realities of the horrors of threat, murder and violation, it seems surreal to think or talk about intimacy. Yet, in the face of threat, the safety and security of a committed partnership can be a comforting resource. And in the confrontation with death, people sometimes seek the vitality and life affirming energy that sexual relations provide. Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum for a discussion on intimacy, sex and peace in the home during war. Spoiler- it’s all normal.

A podcast hosted by an Orthodox comedian recently featured a controversial interview with a child sex offender.  In response, Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum created a panel to discuss whether there are potential benefits to learning more about people who struggle with attraction to minors and do not offend, as well as those who do. (This episode contains explicit material regarding sexual abuse that some readers may find disturbing.) Show your support for Intimate Judaism by becoming a patron on Patreon! Go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism to learn more.

The 15th  of Av , also known as Tu B’Av, is a minor Jewish festival which in modern day Israel is celebrated as a holiday of romantic love, not unlike Valentine’s Day.  In this mini bonus episode, Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum discuss the Mishnaic origins of this day, and compare ancient and modern day beliefs about love. To purchase I Am For My Beloved: A Guide To Enhanced Intimacy For Married Couples by Talli Rosenbaum and David Ribner, go to http://www.urimpublications.com/i-am-for-my-beloved-a-guide-to-enhanced-intimacy-for-married-couples.html. For the Hebrew version, go to http://www.urimpublications.com/ani-ledodi-hebrew-edition.html. Books will be discounted to $12.50 each with the promo code BELOVEDPROMO through August 7, 2023, so order your copy today! Show your support for Intimate Judaism by becoming a patron on Patreon! Go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism to learn more.

Not since Yenta from Fiddler on the Roof has there been a matchmaker as famous as Aleeza Ben Shalom! Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum for a rollicking discussion with the colorful, engaging and entertaining host of “Jewish Matchmaking.”

What happens to the sex life of couples during middle age?  Does the familiarity of long-term marriage breed sexual boredom ? Does aging reduce sexual interest?   What happens when intimacy is no longer mediated by nidah laws?  Listen to Rabbi Scott interview Talli as she presents surprising research findings and insights that will dispel myths about sex in midlife and beyond.

In our annual Q&A episode, Talli and Scott answer many questions and discuss numerous issues dealing with Judaism and intimacy, including whether avoiding sex before marriage means a likelihood of being sexually incompatible with your spouse, how to proceed when you start off shomer negiah and then... you're not, finding porn on your husband's intenet history, coping with changes in libido, defining Jewish sex, the halachic attitude towards using a condom, and more. We appreciate your many questions, and encourage you to continue being in contact with us.

The shidduch crisis refers to the phenomenon in the  Orthodox Jewish community whereby eligible single persons, especially women, have difficulty finding a suitable spouse. While there are  definite differences between the way dating for marriage  is approached and conducted in the Hasidic, Yeshivish and Modern Orthodox worlds, there are also some similarities.  Recently, a research study was conducted to better understand and promote awareness regarding the struggles that many Orthodox Jewish daters face across the religious spectrum.  Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum, together with study authors Dr. Michael Salamon and Dr. Naomi Rosenbach, as they discuss the  research findings and recommendations for communal change in addressing these issues.

Whether divorced, widowed or never married, seeking a new relationship is complex. While each individual has his or her own unique experiences and perspectives, being unpartnered in midlife usually represents mourning for having loved and lost, or not yet having experienced the joy of partnered intimacy. Added to this for Orthodox Jews, are conflicts around non-marital physical touch. Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum in a discussion meant to encourage compassion to self and other, inclusion and hope. Check out https://www.intimatejudaism.com/ for the full podcast archive, show notes, and more.  And watch Talli and Scott's conversation on the Intimate Judaism YouTube channel. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

Numerous sources in our tradition demonstrate that sex in marriage must be mutual and consensual, and at no time can sex be forced or coerced. However, If a woman has been taught that she must do what her husband wants and she is responsible for protecting him from sin, she will fear the consequences of saying no.  In this episode, Talli Rosenbaum and Rabbi Scott Kahn discuss how non-consensual sexual dynamics can be built in to the system even as normative Jewish law forbids coercive sex.  We invite you to listen to this thought provoking and important discussion about the importance of integrating sexual autonomy and ethical sexual behavior in Jewish marriage. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism. Read Emily Nagoski's article, "Enthusiastic, Willing, Unwilling, Coerced: Consent, in the Context of Sex Worth Having" here.

Pregnancy and childbirth are profound events in the life of a couple. The physical, psychological and hormonal changes that occur to women during pregnancy and in the postpartum period can impact both partners and affect emotional and sexual intimacy.  Couples must learn to adjust to a changed family system and a new identity as parents. Observant Jewish couples are additionally affected by laws that restrict touch during childbirth and in the postpartum period. In this episode, Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum discuss how pregnancy and childbirth as well as restrictions on physical touch, can affect relational intimacy and sexuality. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

Infertility and pregnancy loss affects relationships: with self, God, partner, family, friends and community. In part 2 of this two part series, Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum discuss the general implications of infertility and pregnancy loss on these relationships and on marital intimacy and sexuality. Listen  to Talli and Rabbi Scott discuss this as well as the specific considerations  for observant Jewish couples. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

The liturgy we recite on Rosh Hashana includes references to fertility and childbirth. God remembers Sarah, Rachel and Chana by answerIng their prayers for a child.  The poem “Hayom harat olam,” the ‘birth day’ of the world, evokes images of pregnancy. For individuals and couples struggling  with infertility or pregnancy loss, this can be triggering, painful and isolating. In the first of two episodes on infertility and pregnancy loss, Talli and Scott speak with Dr. Aimee Baron, founder of I Was Supposed To Have A Baby, a nonprofit organization that utilizes social media to support Jewish individuals and families going through infertility, pregnancy loss, infant loss, surrogacy, and adoption. Our second episode, to be released later this month, will focus on the emotional and social struggles of individuals and couples dealing with infertility, issues in Jewish law relevant to infertility,  and the effect of treatment on intimacy and sexuality. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

Last month, Orthodox Jewish journalist Avital Chizhik-Goldschmidt published an article in The Atlantic highlighting the popularity of Laura Doyle’s 2001 New York Times bestseller, ‘The Surrendered Wife,’ among Orthodox Jewish women. Doyle’s book provides a practical guide to marital bliss and harmony, suggesting that women  stop being critical and demanding of their husbands, respect and trust them, and regularly engage in self-care and “be vulnerable.”    Many would consider this to be sound advice, and Doyle’s devotees on social media have reported that their marriages underwent a complete transformation after reading the book and applying its principles. In some Orthodox circles, the book’s principles are considered to be in line with Jewish values. Yet, the book, which advises women to relinquish control of all finances to their husbands, refrain from negative comments,  and “pretend to believe in him even when you don’t” has triggered very negative reactions, and concern that these potentially disempowering  messages can leave women vulnerable to abuse. Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum in a discussion of this book in the context of healthy marital dynamics. Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.

Judaism values sexuality in the framework of marriage, both for the purposes of procreation and for relational intimacy. But does Judaism sanction the enhancement of physical pleasure, or should it be minimized? Do the Sages relate to pleasure differently in men and women, and how aware were they regarding the female experience of desire, arousal and orgasm? Join Rabbi Scott Kahn and Talli Rosenbaum as we discuss the “Jewish Pleasure Principle.” Become an Intimate Judaism Patreon subscriber to get additional episodes, merch, and more! Just go to https://www.patreon.com/intimatejudaism.