Recovery Junkies

Happy summer everybody! While we prepare for season 3 of The Recovery Junkies, we decided to come together and record a few mini episodes. This summer series will callback a few of our television and film references from past episodes and break them down to share why they were so impactful, funny, and real to us. In our first miniature episode, Carlos and Chris discuss The Opposite, an episode from the hit 90's sitcom, Seinfeld. Please enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! ............................................................................................................. Seinfeld Episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rag0Z1nTJOc&t=63s   .............................................................................................................   WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com   .............................................................................................................   FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies   .............................................................................................................   WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   .............................................................................................................   STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/   .............................................................................................................   DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org

In this next episode of our summer series, we draw from the impeccable comedic talents of Bob Newhart, in a 2001 sketch from MadTV titled, "Just Stop It!" The clips speak for themselves, but as always we draw on why they were so impactful, funny, and real to us. Please enjoy another episode of The Recovery Junkies! …………………………………………………………………………… WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Send us questions at our email address: info@therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies …………………………………………………………………………… WEBSITE: www.therecoveryjunkies.com …………………………………………………………………………… STORE: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-recovery-junkies/ …………………………………………………………………………… DISCIPLES OF RECOVERY GROUP: www.disciplesofrecovery.org

Join us as Chris, Carlos, Bree, and Dawn share briefly about doing life through the lens of recovery. We ask the question - what is the value of recovery? During the episode we discuss facing ones giants, growing in empathy, the value of being in community, and examining what true, healthy intimacy looks like.     Windows of the Soul: Hearing God in the Everyday Moments of Your Life: https://www.amazon.com/Windows-Soul-Hearing-Everyday-Moments/dp/0310352274   The Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are you?: https://www.amazon.com/Cure-What-isnt-think-neither/dp/1934104086/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=The+Cure&qid=1567476542&s=books&sr=1-1   Intimate Treason: Healing the Trauma for Partners Confronting Sex Addiction: https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Treason-Partners-Confronting-Addiction/dp/1936290936/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=claudia+black&qid=1567476700&s=books&sr=1-5

This week, the Junkies dig into part one of a topic no one ever wants to talk about...denial. Carlos helps us unpack the many forms of denial and how we can grow in self awareness when faced with our struggles. We also dip into the cookie jar for another tasty piece of truth. Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed! Find additional information about us: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Denial Pattern Checklist (Developed By Terence T. Gorski © Terence T. Gorski, 1999) https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads   Denial Pattern #1. Avoidance: I Say To Myself: "I'll talk about anything but my real problems!" Somewhere deep inside of me I am afraid that I might have a problem with alcohol or drugs that is hurting me and those that I care about. But when I don’t think or talk about it I feel OK. So I think about other things and try to keep people from prying into my life where they don’t belong. My drinking and drugging is private and no one has a right to know anything about it. If someone asks about it, I change the subject and start talking about other things that have nothing to do with my drinking and drugging. If nothing else works, I’ll start an uproar by creating a bad crisis and making sure that they get sucked into it. If all else fails I’ll play dumb and pretend that I don’t know what they’re talking about.   Denial Pattern #2. Absolute Denial: I Say To Myself: "No, not me! I don’t have a problem!” When others try to corner me, I tell “the big lie.” I say that I don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. No! Not me! Absolutely not! I don't drink too much! I don’t use drugs!; I’m not addicted! I never get sick or have problems because of drinking or drugging. I am so good at convincing other people that there is nothing wrong that sometimes I actually start believing it myself. When they believe my story a part of me feels really good because I beat them. Another small part of me feels disappointed. There is a small part that wants others to know what is really happening. There is small scared part inside of me that wants help.   Denial Pattern #3: Minimizing: I Say To Myself: "My problems aren’t that bad!" Sometimes my alcohol and drug problems get so bad that I can’t convince myself or others that I don’t have a problem. When this happens I minimize. I make the problems seem smaller than they really are. Yes, I had a small problem with my drinking and drugging. But it only happened that once. It will never happen again. Besides, the problem just wasn’t as bad as people think it is.   Denial Pattern #4. Rationalizing: I Say To Myself: "If I can find good enough reasons for my problems, I won’t have to deal with them!" I try to explain away my alcohol and drug problems by making up good explanations for why I drink and what’s “really” causing my problems. Sometimes I’ll pretend to know a lot about alcoholism and addiction so other people will think that I know too much have a problem. The truth is that I rarely if ever apply what I know to myself or to my own problems.   Denial Pattern #5. Blaming: I Say To Myself: "If I can prove that my problems are not my fault, I won’t have to deal with them!" When the problems gets so bad that I can’t deny it, I find a scapegoat. I tell everyone that its not my fault that I have these problems with alcohol and drugs. It’s somebody else’s fault. I only abuse alcohol and drugs because of my partner. If you were with a person like this, you’d abuse alcohol and drug too! If you had a job or a boss like mine, you‘d drink and drug as much as I do. It seems that as long as I can blame someone else, I can keep drinking and drugging until that person changes. I don’t have to be responsible for stopping.   Denial Pattern #6. Comparing: I Say To Myself: "Showing that others are worse than me, proves that I don’t have serious problems!" I start to focus on other people instead of myself. I find others who have more serious alcohol and drug problems than I do and compare myself to them. I tell myself that I can’t be addicted because I’m not as bad as they are. I know what an addict is! An addict is someone who drinks and drugs a lot more than I do! An addict is someone who has a lot more alcohol and drug- related problems than I do. An addict is someone who is not like me! I tell myself that I can't be addicted because there are other people who have worse problems with alcohol and drugs than I do.   Denial Pattern #7: Compliance: I Say To Myself: "I’ll pretend to do what you want, if you’ll leave me alone!" I start going through the motions of getting help. I do what I’m told, no more and no less. I become compliant and promise to do things just to get people off of my back. I find excuses for not following through. When I get caught, I tell people that I did the best that I could. I blame them for not giving me enough help. I tell people how sorry I am. I ask for another chance, make another half hearted commitment, and the cycle of compliance tarts all over again.   Denial Pattern #8: Manipulating: I Say To Myself: "I’ll only admit that I have problems, if you agree to solve them for me!” When I my alcohol and drug problems box me into a corner, I start to manipulate. I try to use the people who want to help me. I try to get them to handle all of my problems and then get them to leave me alone so I can keep drinking and drugging. I'll let them help me, but only if they do it for me. I want a quick effortless fix. If I they can’t fix me, I blame them for my failure and use them as an excuse to keep drinking and drugging. I won’t let anyone make me do anything that I don’t want to do. If they try, I'll get drunk at them, blame them, and make them feel guilty.   Denial Pattern #9. Flight into Health: I Say To Myself: "Feeling better means that I’m cured!" I manage to stay clean and sober for a while, and things start to get a little bit better. Instead of getting motivated to do more, I convince myself that I’m cured and don’t need to do anything. I tell myself that I may have had a drinking and drug problem, but I got into recovery and put it behind me.   Denial Pattern #10: Recovery By Fear: I Say To Myself: "Being scared of my problems will make them go away!" I began to realize that alcohol and other drugs can destroy my life, hurt those that I love, and eventually kill me. The threat is so real that I convince myself that I can't ever use alcohol or drugs again. I start to believe that this fear of destroying my life and killing myself will scare me into permanent sobriety. Since I now know how awful my life will be if I continue to drink and drug, I just won't won’t drink or drug anymore. If I just stop everything will be fine. Since everything will be fine, I won't need treatment or a recovery program. I’ll just quite.   Denial Pattern #11: Strategic Hopelessness: I Say To Myself: "Since nothing works, I don't have to try" I start to feel that I’m hopeless. It seems like I’ve done it all and nothing works. I don’t believe that I can change and big part of me just doesn’t want to try anymore. It seems easier just to give up. When people try to help me, I brush them off by telling them that I’m hopeless and will never recover. When people do try to help me, I give them a hard time and make it impossible for them to help me. I don’t understand why people want to help me. It would be easier if they just let me keep drinking and drugging.   Denial Pattern #12. The Democratic Disease State: I Say To Myself: "I have the right to destroy myself and no one has the right to stop me!" I convince myself that I have a right to continue to use alcohol and drugs even if it kills me. Yes, I’m addicted. Yes I’m destroying my life. Yes, I’m hurting those that I love. Yes I’m a burden to society. But so what? I have the right to drink and drug myself to death. No one has the right to make me stop. Since my addiction is killing me anyway, I might as well convince myself that I’m dying because I want to.   Personalizing The Denial Patterns   We can become better at recognizing and managing our own denial if we personalize the denial patterns we selected. This is done by writing a new title and description for each denial pattern we selected in our own words. Here are some examples of personalized denial patterns.   1. (Avoidance) Skating Off The Walls: I know I'm using denial when I refuse to directly answer a question and keep trying to change the subject. 2. (Absolute Denial) Saying It Isn't So: I know I'm using denial when I tell people that I don’t have a problem even though I know deep inside that I do. 3. (Minimizing) Saying It Isn’t That Bad: I know I'm using denial when I admit that I have a problem, but try to tell people that it isn't as bad as they think it is. 4. (Rationalizing) Giving Good Reasons: I know I'm using denial when I try to convince people that there are good reasons for me to have the problem and that because there are good reasons I shouldn't be responsible for having to deal with it. 5. (Blaming) Saying It's Not My Fault: I know I'm using denial when I try to blame someone else for my problem and deny that I a responsible for dealing with it. 6. (Comparison) Criticizing Others: I know I'm using denial when I point out how bad other people's problems are and use that as am reason why my problems aren’t so bad. 7. (Manipulating) Getting Over On Others: I know I'm using denial when I try to get other people to handle the problems for me. 8. (Recovery By Fear) Scared Straight: I know I'm using denial when I tell myself that I could never use alcohol or drugs again because I'm so afraid of what will happen if start drinking and drugging. 9. (Compliance) Being A Good Little Boy: I know I'm using denial when I start telling people what they want to hear to get them off of my back. 10. (Flight Into Health) Suddenly Cured: I know I'm using denial when I believe that my problems have suddenly gone away without my doing a

The Junkies continue to break down the topic of denial in part two of this discussion. Carlos reviews the denial strategies from part one, and helps us process through two more denial strategies. We detour for a moment into the world of music and its power to stir up emotions and memories from our past; and enjoy another morsel of truth from the cookie jar.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Check us out at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Recovery Junkies music references from the episode:  Maggie Rogers: https://music.apple.com/us/album/heard-it-in-a-past-life/1437448293   RENT Soundtrack: https://music.apple.com/us/album/rent-original-motion-picture-soundtrack/80447021   Psychedelic Furs: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/the-psychedelic-furs-essentials/pl.35fe78ab5e214642a0c0aaa50ee0c277   The Motels: https://music.apple.com/us/album/essential-collection/715826341   The Pretenders: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/pretenders-essentials/pl.28c3175f4191413d8e6a4dadf460037d   Blondie: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/blondie-essentials/pl.fca7980afb89417d9c6db7a92fa9f3b2   The Rolling Stones: https://music.apple.com/us/album/shes-a-rainbow/1440746664?i=1440746675   Coldplay Essentials: https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/coldplay-essentials/pl.0b42b4ce31584d949e6a0603f3777e6e   The Police: https://music.apple.com/us/album/every-breath-you-take/1440882817?i=1440882897   Denial Pattern Checklist (Developed By Terence T. Gorski © Terence T. Gorski, 1999) https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads   Denial Pattern #1. Avoidance: I Say To Myself: "I'll talk about anything but my real problems!" Somewhere deep inside of me I am afraid that I might have a problem with alcohol or drugs that is hurting me and those that I care about. But when I don’t think or talk about it I feel OK. So I think about other things and try to keep people from prying into my life where they don’t belong. My drinking and drugging is private and no one has a right to know anything about it. If someone asks about it, I change the subject and start talking about other things that have nothing to do with my drinking and drugging. If nothing else works, I’ll start an uproar by creating a bad crisis and making sure that they get sucked into it. If all else fails I’ll play dumb and pretend that I don’t know what they’re talking about.   Denial Pattern #2. Absolute Denial: I Say To Myself: "No, not me! I don’t have a problem!” When others try to corner me, I tell “the big lie.” I say that I don't have a problem with alcohol or drugs. No! Not me! Absolutely not! I don't drink too much! I don’t use drugs!; I’m not addicted! I never get sick or have problems because of drinking or drugging. I am so good at convincing other people that there is nothing wrong that sometimes I actually start believing it myself. When they believe my story a part of me feels really good because I beat them. Another small part of me feels disappointed. There is a small part that wants others to know what is really happening. There is small scared part inside of me that wants help.   Denial Pattern #3: Minimizing: I Say To Myself: "My problems aren’t that bad!" Sometimes my alcohol and drug problems get so bad that I can’t convince myself or others that I don’t have a problem. When this happens I minimize. I make the problems seem smaller than they really are. Yes, I had a small problem with my drinking and drugging. But it only happened that once. It will never happen again. Besides, the problem just wasn’t as bad as people think it is.   Denial Pattern #4. Rationalizing: I Say To Myself: "If I can find good enough reasons for my problems, I won’t have to deal with them!" I try to explain away my alcohol and drug problems by making up good explanations for why I drink and what’s “really” causing my problems. Sometimes I’ll pretend to know a lot about alcoholism and addiction so other people will think that I know too much have a problem. The truth is that I rarely if ever apply what I know to myself or to my own problems.   Denial Pattern #5. Blaming: I Say To Myself: "If I can prove that my problems are not my fault, I won’t have to deal with them!" When the problems gets so bad that I can’t deny it, I find a scapegoat. I tell everyone that its not my fault that I have these problems with alcohol and drugs. It’s somebody else’s fault. I only abuse alcohol and drugs because of my partner. If you were with a person like this, you’d abuse alcohol and drug too! If you had a job or a boss like mine, you‘d drink and drug as much as I do. It seems that as long as I can blame someone else, I can keep drinking and drugging until that person changes. I don’t have to be responsible for stopping.   Denial Pattern #6. Comparing: I Say To Myself: "Showing that others are worse than me, proves that I don’t have serious problems!" I start to focus on other people instead of myself. I find others who have more serious alcohol and drug problems than I do and compare myself to them. I tell myself that I can’t be addicted because I’m not as bad as they are. I know what an addict is! An addict is someone who drinks and drugs a lot more than I do! An addict is someone who has a lot more alcohol and drug- related problems than I do. An addict is someone who is not like me! I tell myself that I can't be addicted because there are other people who have worse problems with alcohol and drugs than I do.   Denial Pattern #7: Compliance: I Say To Myself: "I’ll pretend to do what you want, if you’ll leave me alone!" I start going through the motions of getting help. I do what I’m told, no more and no less. I become compliant and promise to do things just to get people off of my back. I find excuses for not following through. When I get caught, I tell people that I did the best that I could. I blame them for not giving me enough help. I tell people how sorry I am. I ask for another chance, make another half hearted commitment, and the cycle of compliance tarts all over again.   Denial Pattern #8: Manipulating: I Say To Myself: "I’ll only admit that I have problems, if you agree to solve them for me!” When I my alcohol and drug problems box me into a corner, I start to manipulate. I try to use the people who want to help me. I try to get them to handle all of my problems and then get them to leave me alone so I can keep drinking and drugging. I'll let them help me, but only if they do it for me. I want a quick effortless fix. If I they can’t fix me, I blame them for my failure and use them as an excuse to keep drinking and drugging. I won’t let anyone make me do anything that I don’t want to do. If they try, I'll get drunk at them, blame them, and make them feel guilty.   Denial Pattern #9. Flight into Health: I Say To Myself: "Feeling better means that I’m cured!" I manage to stay clean and sober for a while, and things start to get a little bit better. Instead of getting motivated to do more, I convince myself that I’m cured and don’t need to do anything. I tell myself that I may have had a drinking and drug problem, but I got into recovery and put it behind me.   Denial Pattern #10: Recovery By Fear: I Say To Myself: "Being scared of my problems will make them go away!" I began to realize that alcohol and other drugs can destroy my life, hurt those that I love, and eventually kill me. The threat is so real that I convince myself that I can't ever use alcohol or drugs again. I start to believe that this fear of destroying my life and killing myself will scare me into permanent sobriety. Since I now know how awful my life will be if I continue to drink and drug, I just won't won’t drink or drug anymore. If I just stop everything will be fine. Since everything will be fine, I won't need treatment or a recovery program. I’ll just quite.   Denial Pattern #11: Strategic Hopelessness: I Say To Myself: "Since nothing works, I don't have to try" I start to feel that I’m hopeless. It seems like I’ve done it all and nothing works. I don’t believe that I can change and big part of me just doesn’t want to try anymore. It seems easier just to give up. When people try to help me, I brush them off by telling them that I’m hopeless and will never recover. When people do try to help me, I give them a hard time and make it impossible for them to help me. I don’t understand why people want to help me. It would be easier if they just let me keep drinking and drugging.   Denial Pattern #12. The Democratic Disease State: I Say To Myself: "I have the right to destroy myself and no one has the right to stop me!" I convince myself that I have a right to continue to use alcohol and drugs even if it kills me. Yes, I’m addicted. Yes I’m destroying my life. Yes, I’m hurting those that I love. Yes I’m a burden to society. But so what? I have the right to drink and drug myself to death. No one has the right to make me stop. Since my addiction is killing me anyway, I might as well convince myself that I’m dying because I want to.   Personalizing The Denial Patterns   We can become better at recognizing and managing our own denial if we personalize the denial patterns we selected. This is done by writing a new title and description for each denial pattern we selected in our own words. Here are some examples of personalized denial patterns.   1. (Avoidance) Skating Off The Walls: I know I'm using denial when I refuse to directly answer a question and keep trying to change the subject. 2. (Absolute Denial) Saying It Isn't So: I know I'm using denial when I tell people that I don’t have a problem even though I know deep inside that I do. 3. (Minimizing) Saying It Isn’t That Bad: I know I'm using denial when I admit that I have a problem, but try to tell people that it isn't as bad as they think it is. 4. (Rationalizing) Giving Good Reasons: I know I'm using denial when I try to convince people that there are good reasons for me to have the probl

Today the Junkies tackle the topic of healthy limitations. Chris and Carlos discuss how limitations in ones life could possibly be something beneficial. Through great discussion and personal examples, the guys elaborate on why healthy limitations can actually create freedom, rather than restrictions.    Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Seinfeld episode reference - "The Opposite": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SclV-UWM4Gw   This weeks journal prompt: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads   What is one thing that you can apply a healthy limitation to this week?   Possible limitations to examine: Technology  Food Chemical (i.e. Alcohol) Social Interactions Work Finances Travel

This week, the Junkies share in detailed honesty about their own person rock bottom experiences. Join us for this open dialogue about what is required when surrendering to the challenges and outcomes of hitting rock bottom.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   This weeks journal prompt: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads   Have you ever experienced a defining moment in your life, in relation to your problematic behavior, that motivated you to do “something different” than you’ve done before? A moment that opened up a window of opportunity to deal with your problematic behavior? (addiction, procrastination, anger, codependency, alcohol, etc). Journal what happened and share it with a close supportive friend.

In this episode, Chris and Carlos welcome a special guest: Addiction Specialist Dr. Sam Fraser. Dr. "Sam" is an authoritative voice in the world of clinical psychology, specializing in trauma. Naturally, we decided to pick his brain on how trauma in our lives from childhood all the way into adulthood can shape how we interact with those around us.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Symptoms of Trauma Handout: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads  

FIXERS, CONTROLLERS, RESCUERS, OH MY! RESCUERS, PERSECUTORS, VICTIMS, OH MY!   In part one of this two part series, the Junkies discuss the many roles we adopt in our relationships by using a social model for human interaction known as the "drama triangle." Listen in as our hosts practically share examples of what they might typically say, think, and do in order to participate in the drama triangle pattern.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Karpman Drama Triangle Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_XSeUYa0-8   Karpman Drama Triangle Handout: https://www.therecoveryjunkies.com/downloads   The Role of RESCUER (Also known as: supercaretaker, enabler, pleaser, peacemaker, controlling, good guy, mascot, hero, clown, avoider, escapist...)   In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim/drama triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Rescuer Statements (to others and to self):   “I am the peacekeeper in the family (or relationship).” “I don’t have any problems.” "Just smile." “Other people need help more than I do.” “I’ll just do it.”(Rather than waiting for or allowing her/him to do what s/he needs to do.) “S/he didn’t mean it.” “S/he needs me to take care of her/him.” "It's not that bad." or "Time will heal it." "I always help people who are worse off than me...(then I suffer)."   Rescuer Thoughts (about others or about self):   S/he knows more than I do (I give them the benefit of doubt – but not myself). I can make him/her/them happy (but not myself). I can make things better. They or s/he really need(s) my help. S/he wouldn’t be able to make it without my help. It’s more important that I meet her/his needs than that I meet my needs. I’ll make him/her love me by getting them to really need me or because s/he will feel like s/he owes me for all I have done for her/him. Don’t make waves.   I know what's best for him/her.   Rescuer Actions (toward or for others or toward/for self):   Doing things for people that they could (or need to) do for themselves. Seeking assistance for others when they could be asking for themselves. Taking control of situations which do not need to be controlled. Even with good intentions bossing people around. Manipulating others into doing things "for their own good." Doing homework for a child or friend (depriving them of the learning experience). Drug, alcohol and tobacco abuse (to escape from stress by damaging myself). Kids taking care of parents because parents are incapacitated physically or emotionally by drug / alcohol / prescription medication abuse and/or by engaging frequently in the victim role. Providing distraction to avoid dealing with concerns that need to be addressed. Hiding real feelings to protect or please or manipulate others. Covering up for a friend or family member’s behavior.   The Role of VICTIM (Also known as: needy, dependent, controlling, hopeless/helpless, sympathy seeker, martyr, chump, picked-on, scapegoat...)   In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Victim Statements (to self or to others):   “It’s all your fault! (Or his fault, or her fault...)” “I had no choice.” “I was forced to do it.” “You guys are always changing the rules on me.” “You make me mad.” “I can’t help it!” “I guess nobody likes me.” "Things will never change/get better.” “My life is so difficult/stressful.” "My family is not fair to me." or "Life is not fair to me."   Victim Thoughts (about self or about others):   Nobody cares and/or nobody understands me. I can’t do it myself. Everyone is against me (or dislikes me, or hates me). I can never do anything right. It is all [someone else’s] fault. I cannot function without a boyfriend or girlfriend or without my spouse or children. I can’t trust her/him or anyone (and/or I can’t trust myself). My life is boring. I’m not interested in anything. I’m helpless/hopeless. Others leave, reject, or abandon me. I deserve or need to get very upset if others do even the smallest thing that bothers me.   Victim Actions (toward self or toward others):   Doing things just to aggravate someone who bullies me. Hiding real feelings and not talking about important things that need to be addressed. Drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse. Remaining in or maintaining emotionally abusive relationships. Employing facial expressions and body language that communicate feeling very “put upon”. Avoidance of participating in healthy activities either alone or with others. Acting hurt or emotionally wounded to elicit sympathy. Exaggerating physical or emotional hurt to elicit sympathy. Whining/sniveling. The "silent treatment"-- withdrawing and refusing to communicate.   The Role of MEANIE/PERSECUTOR (Also known as: bully, abuser, perpetrator, persecutor, criticizer, bad guy, villain, controlling, troublemaker...)   In taking on this role here are sample of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Meanie Statements:   “You’re so selfish!” “You’re ruining my life!” “Yah, but you’re the jerk.” “You’re a drunk.” “You’re stupid/not good enough/not able to do ____” “You’re fat.” (Or some negative statement about how someone looks.) “You’ll never amount to much” “Do it or else...” "I told you so, dummy." “Why is everyone else so incompetent?” Calling people (or self) names or saying mean things to others (or to self). Any kind of put down or mean statements/comments.   Meanie Thoughts:   Everybody should do things the way I think they should be done. Everybody should be the way I think they should be. Everybody should see the world the way I see the world. I need to control them/this and make them do what I want them to. Control...I have to be in control. Nobody will know what I really feel if I am loud and aggressive. I take what I want from people however I need to. I’m always making the wrong choice/messing up/I’m just no good (being the bully to self.) The only way I can get what I need/want is to make others do what I want/need them to do.   Meanie Actions:   Doing or saying mean things to others. Self-injurious behaviors or suicide attempts. Drug, alcohol, or tobacco abuse (mean actions toward self). Domestic violence. Making others feel guilty for not living up to my expectations. Being mean to people because they are different in some way. Invading the personal or psychological space of another person.   Ways to Exit the Victim Triangle Breathing Boundaries Balancing Respect for self and others Re-frame the situation Responsibility for self nurturing Validation of feelings and of self Kindness with boundaries     Breathing: I remind myself to observe my breathing. I may take some deeper breaths to move more oxygen into my system. Conscious breathing helps with centering, grounding, awareness, and clear thinking. I can then choose to continue participating in Triangle Relating or choose to move toward healthy Nurturing Relating.   Boundaries: I remind myself that it is essential to observe and honor healthy boundaries in relating with self and in relating with others. The first boundary to observe is between self and Triangle relating (“I choose not to go there, not to participate in the Triangle”). Other examples of healthy boundaries: not invading the physical or emotional space of another person with meanness, yelling, or hitting or other inappropriate touching; not being mean to self in any way; no abuse of chemicals, drugs/alcohol, prescription medications. I remind myself that another kind of boundary (not too much, not too little, but just...in the effective Nurturing Zone) is involved with maintaining balance in areas such as spending money, eating healthily, getting enough exercise and sleep, and so on...Meanwhile, speaking of balance...   Balancing: Nurturing Relating is about ongoing balancing and learning to fine tune my skills in addressing BNN. There are a lot of essentials that I need to be addressing. Balancing my life as I endeavor to do this Nurturing involves focus on these Nurturing skills. I remind myself that I need to be moving in the direction of meeting the basic 80 – 100 BNN for self and relating in Nurturing ways with others. This art form becomes my focus and replaces the Triangle focus on manipulation.   Respect: I remind myself to respect myself and respect others with whom I am interacting as wonderful people, even though I or they may just have been participating, unfortunately, in triangle relating. All three Triangle positions disrespect self and/or others. Once a person genuinely practices respect s/he is off the triangle and moving toward addressing BNN.   Re-frame the situation:  I recognize that the drama, upset, and stress I am experiencing are signals that I am indeed triangling or caught on the triangle (thinking/feeling, talking, acting in the roles of Victim, Meanie, Pleaser). I read the feeling signals. I take the picture of this situation and deliberately decide to replace the Triangle/stress frame around it with a new frame of the Feelings Gauge/Nurturing Relating around it. I now recognize that my Feelings Gauge is telling me that I am low or out of nurturing in one or more areas. I have changed my view/understanding of the situation from being a victim of the Triangle to being a self-actuating Nurturing person on my way to the "Nurturing Station" to put some good nurturing in my Life Tank and to give off Nurturing kindness (with healthy gentle/firm boundaries) toward others involved in this particular situation.   Responsibility for self nurturing: I remind myself that I am responsible for my choice about whether I do T

The Junkies return with part two of our discussion of the Drama Triangle. We discuss strategies for exiting the triangle, plus another morsel of truth from the cookie jar.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   FANOS Check-in Exercise: Feelings: Share with your partner a feeling you have. Affirmations: Affirm your partner for something they have done. Needs: State a need you have today (not necessarily one that must be met by your partner). Ownership: Take responsibility and apologize for something you have said or done. Struggles/Sobriety: Here you have an opportunity to tell your partner the status of your struggles/sobriety/recovery today (sobriety date, general struggles, recovery work, etc.). Be specific but not graphic.   H.A.L.T. Acronym: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired   The Drama Triangle Information:   The Role of RESCUER   (Also known as: supercaretaker, enabler, pleaser, peacemaker, controlling, good guy, mascot, hero,clown, avoider, escapist...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim/drama triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Rescuer Statements (to others and to self):  “I am the peacekeeper in the family (or relationship).” “I don’t have any problems.” "Just smile." “Other people need help more than I do.” “I’ll just do it.”(Rather than waiting for or allowing her/him to do what s/he needs to do.) “S/he didn’t mean it.” “S/he needs me to take care of her/him.” "It's not that bad." or "Time will heal it." "I always help people who are worse off than me...(then I suffer)." Rescuer Thoughts (about others or about self): S/he knows more than I do (I give them the benefit of doubt – but not myself). I can make him/her/them happy (but not myself). I can make things better. They or s/he really need(s) my help. S/he wouldn’t be able to make it without my help. It’s more important that I meet her/his needs than that I meet my needs. I’ll make him/her love me by getting them to really need me or because s/he will feel like s/he owes me for all I have done for her/him. Don’t make waves.   I know what's best for him/her.   Rescuer Actions (toward or for others or toward/for self):   Doing things for people that they could (or need to) do for themselves. Seeking assistance for others when they could be asking for themselves. Taking control of situations which do not need to be controlled. Even with good intentions bossing people around. Manipulating others into doing things "for their own good." Doing homework for a child or friend (depriving them of the learning experience). Drug, alcohol and tobacco abuse (to escape from stress by damaging myself). Kids taking care of parents because parents are incapacitated physically or emotionally by drug / alcohol / prescription medication abuse and/or by engaging frequently in the victim role. Providing distraction to avoid dealing with concerns that need to be addressed. Hiding real feelings to protect or please or manipulate others. Covering up for a friend or family member’s behavior.   The Role of VICTIM   (Also known as: needy, dependent, controlling, hopeless/helpless, sympathy seeker, martyr, chump, picked-on, scapegoat...) In taking on this role here are samples of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Victim Statements (to self or to others):   “It’s all your fault! (Or his fault, or her fault...)” “I had no choice.” “I was forced to do it.” “You guys are always changing the rules on me.” “You make me mad.” “I can’t help it!” “I guess nobody likes me.” "Things will never change/get better.” “My life is so difficult/stressful.” "My family is not fair to me." or "Life is not fair to me." Victim Thoughts (about self or about others): Nobody cares and/or nobody understands me. I can’t do it myself. Everyone is against me (or dislikes me, or hates me). I can never do anything right. It is all [someone else’s] fault. I cannot function without a boyfriend or girlfriend or without my spouse or children. I can’t trust her/him or anyone (and/or I can’t trust myself). My life is boring. I’m not interested in anything. I’m helpless/hopeless. Others leave, reject, or abandon me. I deserve or need to get very upset if others do even the smallest thing that bothers me.   Victim Actions (toward self or toward others):   Doing things just to aggravate someone who bullies me. Hiding real feelings and not talking about important things that need to be addressed. Drug/alcohol/tobacco abuse. Remaining in or maintaining emotionally abusive relationships. Employing facial expressions and body language that communicate feeling very “put upon”. Avoidance of participating in healthy activities either alone or with others. Acting hurt or emotionally wounded to elicit sympathy. Exaggerating physical or emotional hurt to elicit sympathy. Whining/sniveling. The "silent treatment"-- withdrawing and refusing to communicate.   The Role of MEANIE/PERSECUTOR   (Also known as: bully, abuser, perpetrator, persecutor, criticizer, bad guy, villain, controlling, troublemaker...) In taking on this role here are sample of what a person might typically say, think, and/or do in order to participate in the victim triangle pattern. Can you add items to this list?   Meanie Statements:   “You’re so selfish!” “You’re ruining my life!” “Yah, but you’re the jerk.” “You’re a drunk.” “You’re stupid/not good enough/not able to do ____” “You’re fat.” (Or some negative statement about how someone looks.) “You’ll never amount to much” “Do it or else...” "I told you so, dummy." “Why is everyone else so incompetent?” Calling people (or self) names or saying mean things to others (or to self). Any kind of put down or mean statements/comments.   Meanie Thoughts:   Everybody should do things the way I think they should be done. Everybody should be the way I think they should be. Everybody should see the world the way I see the world. I need to control them/this and make them do what I want them to. Control...I have to be in control. Nobody will know what I really feel if I am loud and aggressive. I take what I want from people however I need to. I’m always making the wrong choice/messing up/I’m just no good (being the bully to self.) The only way I can get what I need/want is to make others do what I want/need them to do.   Meanie Actions:   Doing or saying mean things to others. Self-injurious behaviors or suicide attempts. Drug, alcohol, or tobacco abuse (mean actions toward self). Domestic violence. Making others feel guilty for not living up to my expectations. Being mean to people because they are different in some way. Invading the personal or psychological space of another person.   Ways to Exit the Victim Triangle     Breathing Boundaries Balancing Respect for self and others Re-frame the situation Responsibility for self nurturing Validation of feelings and of self Kindness with boundaries   Breathing: I remind myself to observe my breathing. I may take some deeper breaths to move more oxygen into my system. Conscious breathing helps with centering, grounding, awareness, and clear thinking. I can then choose to continue participating in Triangle Relating or choose to move toward healthy Nurturing Relating.   Boundaries: I remind myself that it is essential to observe and honor healthy boundaries in relating with self and in relating with others. The first boundary to observe is between self and Triangle relating (“I choose not to go there, not to participate in the Triangle”). Other examples of healthy boundaries: not invading the physical or emotional space of another person with meanness, yelling, or hitting or other inappropriate touching; not being mean to self in any way; no abuse of chemicals, drugs/alcohol, prescription medications. I remind myself that another kind of boundary (not too much, not too little, but just...in the effective Nurturing Zone) is involved with maintaining balance in areas such as spending money, eating healthily, getting enough exercise and sleep, and so on...Meanwhile, speaking of balance...   Balancing: Nurturing Relating is about ongoing balancing and learning to fine tune my skills in addressing BNN. There are a lot of essentials that I need to be addressing. Balancing my life as I endeavor to do this Nurturing involves focus on these Nurturing skills. I remind myself that I need to be moving in the direction of meeting the basic 80 – 100 BNN for self and relating in Nurturing ways with others. This art form becomes my focus and replaces the Triangle focus on manipulation.   Respect: I remind myself to respect myself and respect others with whom I am interacting as wonderful people, even though I or they may just have been participating, unfortunately, in triangle relating. All three Triangle positions disrespect self and/or others. Once a person genuinely practices respect s/he is off the triangle and moving toward addressing BNN.   Re-frame the situation:  I recognize that the drama, upset, and stress I am experiencing are signals that I am indeed triangling or caught on the triangle (thinking/feeling, talking, acting in the roles of Victim, Meanie, Pleaser). I read the feeling signals. I take the picture of this situation and deliberately decide to replace the Triangle/stress frame around it with a new frame of the Feelings Gauge/Nurturing Relating around it. I now recognize that my Feelings Gauge is telling me that I am low or out of nurturing in one or more areas. I have changed my view/understanding of the situation from being a victim of the Triangle to being a self-actuating Nurturing person on my way to the "Nurturing Station" to put some good nurturing in my Life Tank and to give off Nurturing kindness (with hea

It's the most wonderful time of the year! From that great aunt who makes inappropriate comments to decades old feuds, getting together with family for the holidays can trigger a laundry list of emotions! Join us as we strategically plan healthy ways to emerge victorious this holiday season.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get the latest episodes of Recovery Junkies in your podcast feed!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

As the year comes to a close, the Junkies reflect on where they've been and what's in store for the upcoming year. Join us for this deep and thoughtful episode that encourages all to be present in the moment and to strive for continued growth on the road of recovery.   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts, or whatever podcast platform you choose!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   The Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.   Amen.

New year, new issues to discuss! In this episode, the Junkies examine the control issues we all can exhibit in our lives. Can control be healthy? Why must we always seek to do life on our terms? Join us for this insightful topic to start off 2020!   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts, or whatever podcast platform you choose!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   The Serenity Prayer By Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.   Amen.

Just like good fences make good neighbors, boundaries in relationships allow for freedom and responsibility. Enjoy this weeks episode of the Recovery Junkies!   Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE, RATE & REVIEW us on Apple Podcasts!   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

Shame can paralyze us all. For some, it was formed as early as childhood. In this episode, the Junkies share personal stories of past shame, current struggles with acceptance, and ways to build resiliency as we continue on the road of recovery.   Listen in and enjoy this emotional episode of Recovery Junkies!   WE'RE FINALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Follow us: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkiespodcast   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com   Toxic Shame - by John Bradshaw   My Name Is Toxic Shame   I was there at your conception I came upon you before you could speak Before you understood Before you had any way of knowing I came upon you when you were learning to walk When you were unprotected and exposed When you were vulnerable and needy Before you had any boundaries MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I came upon you when you were magical Before you could know I was there I severed your soul I pierced you to the core I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness  I made you feel different I told you there was something wrong with you I soiled your Godlikeness MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I existed before conscience Before guilt Before morality I am the master emotion I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any mental preparation  MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I live in secrecy In the deep moist banks of darkness depression and despair  Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through the back door  Uninvited unwanted The first to arrive I was there at the beginning of time With Adam, and Eve MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse, neglect - perfectionistic systems  I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage The cruel remarks of siblings The jeering humiliation of other children The awkward reflection in the mirrors The touch that feels icky and frightening The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust The righteous condemnation of religious bigots The fears and pressures of schooling The hypocrisy of politicians The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional family systems  MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I bring pain that is chronic A pain that will not go away I am the hunter that stalks you night and day Every day everywhere I have no boundaries You try to hide from me But you cannot Because I live inside of you I make you feel hopeless Like there is no way out MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame, envy, judgment, power, and rage  My pain is so intense you must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment, and unconscious ego defenses.  My pain is so intense that you must numb out and no longer feel me. I convinced you that I am gone - that I do not exist - you experience absence and emptiness.  MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME   I am the core of co-dependency I am spiritual bankruptcy The logic of absurdity The repetition compulsion I am crime, violence, incest, rape I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions I am instability and lust I twist who you are into what you do and have done I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME

The more we choose acceptance and reject resignation, the healthier life will be for us. There is a greater fullness when we can live in acceptance. On this episode, Chris and Carlos share how we can grow in acceptance of ourselves and of others.   WE'RE FINALLY ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Follow us: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

We are grieving with the world through the COVID-19 pandemic. It seems like every day has a new challenges to face. From resource scarcity to cabin fever, we all have the ability to fall into despair. However, if we have the eyes to see, there is hope all around us. Listen in as the Junkies discuss the process of grieving and finding hope amidst the struggles during this unprecedented time in history.   Stay home. Stay safe. Enjoy another episode of Recovery Junkies.   FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

It's a simple fact that our current circumstances often dictate our worldview. It's natural to be troubled with worry, fear, and frustration. However, we still have control over our thoughts and actions. In this episode, the Junkies discuss ways to reframe our situations in the midst of uncertainty.   We wish you continued healthy and safety. Please enjoy this episode of Recovery Junkies.   FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

As we all continue to struggle through the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us are feeling a myriad of emotions - stress, exhaustion, anxiety, and fear. Without addressing these emotions, especially in a state of isolation, conflict can arise with those whom we are in quarantine with. Listen in as the Junkies ask clinical experts, Dr. Sam Fraser and Sandy Jocoy, questions regarding the psychological, sociological, physiological, and spiritual effects of isolation.   FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA: Twitter: @recoveryjunkies Facebook: @recoveryjunkies Instagram: @therecoveryjunkies   Find additional information at our website: www.therecoveryjunkies.com

Welcome back Junkies!   We are excited to launch Season 2 of Recovery Junkies with adding a NEW co-host - Sandy Jocoy!   Sandy is a licensed therapist who specializes in sexual trauma. We're excited to bring her unique voice and gifted insight to the podcast.   In this weeks episode we discuss the realities of addiction from the perspective of both the addict and the partner of an addict.   Bob Newhart MADtV Clip: "Just Stop It." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BjKS1-vjPs