Divorced Playbook

A listener shared with us one of their biggest fears. Dating. And, specifically, the Fear of Dating Again, after an extended amount of time being alone, sequestered, quarantined or otherwise out of the dating scene.F.O.D.A., in this case meaning Fear Of Dating Again, is a real thing, and the Levy Bros. do their best to tackle this difficult subject. How get over F.O.D.A.? • Put the weight of carrying the conversation on the other person. Ask questions about them if you think you don’t have anything to talk about. You’d be surprised at how engaged you will become once you relax and get involved in the conversation more naturally.• Be open about your fear and anxiety. No better way to break the ice than to be honest about your nerves, because the other person is probably just as nervous.• Focus on the people who ARE interested in you, not those who validate your fears of rejection.Also, Scott talks about how much he likes working moms, Dan talks about how he's become a safe first date back for women with F.O.D.A. and this hilarious exchange takes place. "I would just like to say that I think moms are sexy.""Alright.""I do.""You get enough action. You don’t need to be using the show to be getting matches." "I’m not interested in trying to get matches. I’m just saying that I know what it’s like to be a mom and do everything that you do. That, in and of itself--" "Wait, wait, wait. You can’t say that.""Why?""You just mansplained motherhood!"

This episode is solely focused on being positive, which includes learning how to not just accentuate the positive, but to find it.We discuss some methods for being — and staying — positive. "Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one."Ask your kids, "What is the best moment of your day?" Even if all you can think of is  a juicy apple, try to find something positive about every day, and share that with those you love.The Butterfly Effect - How you act impacts others. Your kid gets in a fight with your ex, then picks a fight with you. You're angry, and now have to run a meeting, where you snap at employees, putting more people in a bad mood. That demeanor will expand exponentially. But it works with positivity too.How to be more positive: • Mindfulness & Meditation. Reframe your thought process for 5 or 10 minutes on something else. Put all your focus into hearing specific sounds — waves crashing, birds chirping, each individual instrument in a song you love. Focusing on one thing allows you to let the other stuff go, even just for a minute. And if you can do it for one minute, you can do it for five. Do it for five, you can do it for 30. If you can do it for 30, maybe you can do it for the entire day.• Find the positive things in your environment and focus on those. Finding the positivity in even what you would consider a terrible situation is challenging but rewarding.• Use of Affirmations. Don't be hard on yourself for not doing something in the past. Be proud of the fact you have decided to do something about it now. And when using positive affirmations, it's important to speak in the PRESENT TENSE."There is no future, in a way. It’s all just a series of moments. If you live in every moment, and every moment you are present, then you don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen down the line. You worry about what’s happening now. Reframe when you’re feeling bad about yourself, or bad about the world. This is the moment that matters."• Focus on yourself: "If you try to compare yourself to others you will always fail, because you can always find someone who seemingly has it better than you or is seemingly doing more than you. "• Remember, you are the only one who has to live with you 24/7.

Scott is back. We get a full recap of his disastrous two months recovering from back surgery, how Covid has played a part, and maintaining a balance of physical and mental health."There you are, sitting there with your own thoughts, and that’s a scary place to be when you’re not yourself and you’re not feeling right and the world is different."We go in deep on the mental toll of isolation as well as the difference between being depressed and having depression. And, in this time, is it really that different?This is a pretty raw show. It's good to be back.

In this episode...• Dan gets BANNED BY TINDER• An update on Scott• SERIOUSLY, BANNED! BY TINDER!• A "Date Race" challenge is made• Is Dan getting catfished? Again!? (And how to spot a catfisher.)• BANNED! AND REFUNDED!• Some very important online dating Don'ts• Normal is a four-letter word • The 5 Categories of Swiping• How a limerick about cheese can get you a date

An episode in which we ask the question that was a central theme of The Good Place: What do we owe to each other?

Dan just procured nearly 200 of his parents' old records, and in piles and piles of hidden gems, one album stood out: Tammy Wynette's "Kids Say The Darndest Things," a compilation of the First Lady of Country's biggest hits about divorce, co-parenting and the traumatizing stigmas that come with a family splitting up that, two generations and half a century later, we're just starting to destroy.This album is terrifying. So we break it down. (This is 30 minutes you won't get back. Sorry and you're welcome.)

Scott is still recovering, but he did set up a fundraiser to help people with addiction. Donate here: https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1372978096406079Dan isn't flying solo, however, as Nicole Grey makes her second visit to the show. She isn't talking about interior design, though. She's talking about the perils of online dating! And she brought a friend!Dan, Nicole and Kate Finlay have a spirited conversation about the most do-and-don't topics around online dating. What are some tell-tale mistakes people put in their dating profiles? What stands out in a profile, and does it translate into a date?  What's the worst date they've ever been on?And what's the 25 Percent Boyfriend?Leave your thoughts in the comments. We imagine after this conversation...you'll have some.

We're back! Well, one of us is.Dan is flying solo on this episode. Unleashed. Untethered. Un...der an hour by a few seconds! First, an update on Scott's recovery from back surgery. All your best wishes are appreciated so keep them coming.Key moments from the show:• Which is worse: someone telling you that they’d rather hang out with no one, or someone telling you they’d rather hang out with a dog?• Guess which newsworthy politician this is about and you could win money for "ice cream", or "school" or "tuition": "You look at that guy’s face and you think he’s either trying to stick something in me or take something from me. That’s it."• "In terms of morality, everyone’s got their own level. What are you willing to do? What can you live with? Not what are you willing to do, excuse me. What can you live with?"• "I play GardenScapes for Christ’s sake. I’m like a grandmother." • "It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been in a situation where I care about someone this much…as a human, but also in a romantic sense."  • "I mean, I can pay for Top Golf, but I can’t buy a house." • "I felt less than my wife and then resented her for it and she did nothing. Cognitive distortions." • "Is part of someone better than none of them?" • "Am I setting myself up to feel less-than again?"

Today's episode focuses on #15 of our 21 Tips for Spring Cleaning Your Life. Distress Tolerance - S.T.O.P., which stands for: Stop/Stay in control, (23:00)Take a step back, (27:30)Observe, (35:30)Proceed Mindfully (44:10)With Easter coming up, and possibly being the first time in 18 months that families can gather for a major holiday, we discuss the importance of limiting stressful situations, and dealing with conflict when it arises.We talk about the idea of Wise Mind, where the Emotional Mind — thoughts we have based on emotion and feelings — intersects with the Reasonable Mind — the area of the mind for rational thoughts. Wise Mind is a combination of knowing and feeling something is true and valid.Download our guide. Here are some quotes:14:00 - "When you feel like you’re self aware, and you realize you’re not, it’s like devastating. Because then you have no idea. Then you question everything."17:00 - "I’m constantly asking people in my life, ‘how am I doing? How am I coming across?’"18:00 - "The idea of being right and being righteous are not the same. You could be right, but you have to play along with other people. But when you’re righteous about it, it’s like, ‘no, this is the way. Everyone follow me. This is the way,’ and some people aren’t going to follow you if you say that."50:00 - "Just because we don’t have the loudest platform or voice box at this moment doesn’t mean we can’t change the world. And by changing the world, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to change the entire world. It doesn’t mean that you have to have millions of people following you. If you’re affecting one other human, you’ve changed somebody’s world."59: 30 - "I’m going to look at it and say, ‘did I make the world a better place in my time?’ And, again, my point is I’m focused on making THE world a better place, instead of making MY world a better place. And that’s a mistake."1:01:00 - "I think the goal in life is to make THE world, whether that’s the world you can see and you interact with every day a better place, or slightly larger, whatever it is — it’s the definition of what you want it to be, which is the world. Our job, in addition to just being parents, is to try to make the world a better place when we leave it than when we got here. It doesn’t say you’ve got to impact millions or billions. It doesn’t say you’ve got to have a whole pile of cash in the bank, or whatever it is. You’ve just got to leave the world a better place than it was when you got here. I don’t think that that’s so overwhelming, and I think a lot of people think they need to do more. If I leave the world a better place than when I got into it, then I’ve done something right."

Do you feel like you're sitting in the waiting room...of life?You are not alone. With more people getting vaccinated and the weather allowing for more outside activities, it's a good time for people to take stock of where they are in life.But what if you feel like you're in the same place as when the pandemic started? What if you feel like you're in stasis? What do you do?On today's show:• Scott follows up on the story about his grandfather coming back as a bird to watch over him, the belief in spirits, reincarnation and religion. • More detail on our 21 Tips for Spring Cleaning Your Life.• Dan remarks at the number of people he's matched with or gone out with who are on Instagram now, celebrating #Love with some other guy.Some quotes:26:50 - "I am in stasis. This whole year feels like, for everyone, your life has been put on hold. But for me, specifically, it’s been the culmination of three years where my life has sort of been on hold and I’m just starting to try to find my footing again to get myself back into this existence and it’s not easy."35:50 - "I feel like I’m being hung by, like, a hook and just floating, and I’m waiting for someone to come around with a giant stick and a blindfold and just whack the shit out of me until stuff falls out. Because that’s the feeling right now. That I’m just waiting for my guts to fall out on the floor. And yes, I just turned myself into a piñata. I don’t know how, but I felt it was apt."37:50 - "Social media...it’s all bullshit. It's controlled. People put out there what they want you to see."38:50 - "I’m at the point where I’ve seen people that I’ve gone out with in the past do this three or four times with dudes. So now I realize what people are doing. I want someone that is there for me. I think the love that I want, and that you are now just beginning to talk about, is the kind of love that…I don’t care if anyone knows. I’m not trying to find love to broadcast it to the world, I’m trying to find love so I have peace with me."39:25 - "We need to help the people that want to be helped. We need to love the people that want to be loved. We need to keep that feeling and that love to ourselves."41:55 - "You have a tendency, Dan, to focus a little bit more on the negative than on the positive and I just think that’s something you are working on. Correct? Yes?""Anyone who has ever met me or listened to this show once is like falling on the ground laughing. You needed to say that? Is that something you felt you needed to explain to the audience or to me?"45:00 "That's where I'm focused. If you give up on being the best, what's the point?"45:30 - "I’m always focused on being my best. 'The' best? I don’t know what that means."

In this episode, we run through our new downloadable guide, 21 Tips for Spring Cleaning Your Life, available for FREE for a limited time at http://divorcedplaybook.com/springcleaningOther episode highlights:Scott explains that he talks to the Levy Bros.' grandfather all the time -- but in the form of a robin (the bird, not the comic character).Scott also makes the case for business casual to now include sweatpants.Fun fact: The average American spends 7.7 hours a day being sedentary. -----------------------------Non-sequitur Quote of the Episode:Dan: “I got very drunk and did something dumb. That’s what I was going to talk about. When have I ever told a story where I end up and ‘the moral is…I got some!’ It’s always like I’m in a park, being robbed or something. Have you listened to the show?”Scott: “Not being robbed. Being robbed of your —“Dan: “Dignity.”

This is a show about self-awareness. Are you really as self-aware as you think? Our goal is to help a lot of you out there who are going through similar things to what we are. We’re just talking about it."A lot people listening have been through a traumatic life event and I think we’re just making sure we are relatable and people understand that what you’re going through, you’re not alone."This episode is very reflective, and should leave you assessing your own behaviors. Hopefully it doesn't sound like we're up our own asses. Some very pertinent quotes, in order of pertinence:"To be self-aware, to be self-aware about what you want, to be self-aware about the people you are going out with, you need to understand who you’re dealing with. We all need to be mindful of how we’re being self-aware, if we’re being self-aware, and just spend a little time thinking that way. Spend a little time thinking not so much about yourself, but how you’re interacting with other and how what you’re doing or saying affects others, whether it be people you’re dating, friends, family or your kids."------"Normal. Whatever that means. You, as the audience, can decide what normal is for you. But if you try and find somebody that you feel is “normal” to you, and you start to date them, then you have an opportunity to explore them. You have an opportunity to get to know them, to understand them and that stuff just takes time.""Normal is a four-letter word. To me. If I see normal on a dating site, if someone is looking for normal, I automatically swipe left on them. Because…yes a lot of people crave normality. A lot of people crave safety and security; that’s what they’re looking for in a match. That’s not what I’m looking for. It never will be what I’m looking for." ------"I’m looking at my life as a dry erase board. Every day hilariousness happens and then I erase the board and then the next day hilariousness happens. Or whatever. What I’m not thinking about is that somebody who is listening to this show up until this point, or somebody who jumps in now and says, ‘let me start at the beginning and go back,’ I’m a sociopath. I’m insane." "In the context of everything it felt like, ‘okay this is fun, we’re going to talk about this.’ But if I were to go back even to listen to the first 30-something shows, I’d be like ‘who the fuck is that guy?’ But that guy’s this guy!"------"It never crossed my mind once that somebody could show up here to me, with my kids standing next to me, and flip out, or whatever could happen. I never once thought for my own personal safety or the safety of my kids. I just thought, this is going to be fun. That’s a concern to me, man. How unaware am I that I didn’t even think about the safety of my family because I was like, ‘fuck it, it’s fun!’"------"You can’t ultimately hide crazy. You can’t. You can hide it for a date. You might be able to hide it for two. If you are crazy, if you have a crazy part to you, you can’t hide that."------"You might have some bad days. You might have some crazier days, you might think things aren’t going well. You might be lonely. These are all the emotions that we explore throughout the show and I think we have to share them. You know what? Maybe they come across in ways that some people don’t like them and for that I’m sorry, but the reality is, we’re not going to change the way that we do things. We’re not going to change who we are."------ "I say this to my oldest (kid) all the time: You might be the smartest person in every room. But you can’t tell the rest of the room that you’re the smartest. You have to show them."

Scott comes back from surgery and says, "I felt very alone, and I felt used. And I felt stupid, actually." Dan talks about getting offered a job as a Stunt Dick.This is what happens when we take a week and a half off for Scott to recover.Out of context quotes, as always: "There are, unfortunately — life created this, or whatever it is — there are a lot of shitty people out there. You need to be careful with your time.""I need to be less giving of my time and a little more selfish. Otherwise what ends up happening is, people don’t give a shit. People abuse the privilege of my time and that’s not right. Have some fucking respect." "Yikes. Is this what happens when I’m gone for a week, that we bring it all around to porn?""This is the only podcast in the world, folks, that’s going to have on the rundown of things you want to talk about, 'Stunt Dick. Vatican.'""I think I’m too medicated to even process the fact that you want to seriously figure out how much it pays to be a stunt dick.""Well, if I am judging you, you’re an idiot.""Just focus on the people in your life that matter."

Nicole Ananda is graciously filling in for Scott as he recovers from back surgery. Learn more about her at AnandaIntegrativeHealing.comOn today's episode: 8:15 -  "I'd rather take a chance and get sick than live like this anymore."22:06 -  "All I can say is, God Bless your ex."23:12 - "How are you comparing me to that? My kids have all their digits."24:30 - "I believe I can recover physically. I don’t know I would have been able to recover mentally." 26:15 -  "I feel like I can almost always out-brain someone. I don't know if I can out-heart anyone."36:00 - "My highest value in a relationship is freedom."41:50 -  "If I really think someone could be a good match with me and I'm going to maybe want to be a partner with them, I will wait."49:25 - "Now I'm actually making good money and I could be a Sugar Mama, but I don't want to be."52:00 - “Why do we judge a potential match or a potential date when we barely know them, but we never judge our friends, who we know so much more about?" "People say they’re looking for their best friend, but when you add the physical component, people are like, ‘yeah, but you can’t have any other fucking friends. I don’t care if I’m your best or not, you get no more friends than ME.’”52:58 - "Monogamy is about ownership. It’s about owning women and owning property and passing that property down to your children. It’s patriarchy, is what monogamy is. We’re tribal, and tribal people and human beings are more naturally polyamorous or open, sexually."54:02 - "Circumcision was popularized in the United States to try to stop boys and men from masturbating. It was a Christian campaign." "It didn't work. Pretty sure I’ve never man a man who doesn't masturbate."55:10 - "One person can’t do that, and so it’s all this pressure that’s put on relationship now. It’s really unrealistic. I feel like that is a lot of the reason why our divorce rate is so high."56:58 - "I’m looking for my ride or die. Well, you’re going to die. Because you can’t ride everywhere with everyone."58:25 - "Having the freedom to make whatever connection feels natural with each person? To me that’s love. Restricting the type of connection someone else makes, is not love to me."59:31 - "I also like going very deep with people."1:00:35  - “Men are more open to that because they’re just trying to get their dick wet.” 1:01:40 - “Put things down your urethra for sexual pleasure. I don’t know, it doesn’t sound pleasurable to me.”1:07:45 - "Most people are not putting in that kind of effort. And so you can’t expect, sadly, them to be very mature. But you can require it in your life. And that’s the difference."1:08:35 - "If I want to coexist with somebody, I have to make their needs as important as mine. And then we have to figure out how we get those needs met together. And so the relationship becomes an entity - there’s me, there’s you and there’s our relationship - and we have to caretake all of those things."

Scott prepares for back surgery. Dan throws shade at the inferior Ocean City.We got a very thoughtful response from @divorced.mom.dating on Instagram to our post about weeding out those who don't fit what you're looking for on dating apps. Scott and Dan react to this comment in two parts. Their comment is below:Part 1:I definitely agree that you should get very specific about yourself, your interests, and the type of relationship you’re after. (From my experience the truth is that most will likely not read it anyway before they match with you, but the information is there in hopes that they will.) When I was using dating apps I tended towards a lengthy profile, and I got a few people who messaged me just to tell me that my profile is too long. I thought that was great because it told me right off that they’re exactly the kind of men in whom I would not be interested anyway.Part 2: At one point in my profiles I even talked about what kind of man interests me, and I found that a lot of men used that just to manufacture a tale about themselves that would probably get me interested in meeting up in person. I was very disappointed a number of times by figuring out that that’s exactly what they had done, and they were in fact not very much at all like the type of man I described.The last 15 minutes has a tremendous amount of advice. And the Levy Bros. break a record for the number of times one of them says 'fuck' on the show.

That's one helluva headline. And it's what we discuss in this episode. The Levy Bros. talk about the idea of chivalry in today's world. Is chivalry slowly dying, and is that a good thing or not?Dan recaps a date that he thought went really well, only to get friend zoned the next day. AGAIN. He asked the woman when she felt they'd just be friends, and she said during the date, and that their goodnight kiss — which Dan took as a great sign for the future — was uncomfortable. Yet she didn't stop him. And so, Dan asks the question that threads the first 49 minutes: Is he a hopeless romantic, or is he a predator?Is he a person who ignores red flags and falls for people too quickly, or someone who doesn't care how the other person feels about him, so long as his needs are met?Is there a sense of entitlement that comes with chivalry? And in 2021, is that something we can change?The 49th minute starts a highly-spirited (pun) conversation on religion, faith and God. Scott is finding his faith, saying that he feels his doctor that will help his back is "a soldier of a higher power."Does everything happen for a reason? And if so, why do people get punished for doing bad things? Or is there free will? And how does a higher power fit in? This is a can't miss 10 minutes that may change your mind about one, or both, of the Levy Bros.

A story you have to see/hear to believe: Dan wanted to get away for a day, so he went to meet up with a Tinder match who lives in Maryland.And then she never texted him back.First, an update on the Red Flag, which comes to its frustratingly disappointing denouement. She was the original MILF -- Mother I'd Like to FaceTime -- and, yet, nothing more than a lesson in self-worth and personal pride.Alas, of all the great ghost stories we've told on this show, NOTHING is better (read: worse) than driving 3 hours to get ghosted.So what happened? How did Dan salvage the evening? And exactly how drunk was he when he posted an Instagram of the inside of his plastic cup of Jim Beam and Coke with the text: I drove 3 hours to hang out with someone and she ghosted me. Now I'm super drunk and in Maryland. Top that, fuckers.Also:• Scott has a slipped disc in his back.• The Levy Bros. reply to more listeners who think all they care about is physical attractiveness. (Note: WRONG.)• How Hinge allowing comments when you try to match saved Dan's night.• Is Dan too trusting?• And was he Ghosted...or was he Catfished?

A Valentine's Day post mortem. We revisit some listener comments on two of our topics from previous episodes: Scott's interest in 50 year-olds and Dan's interest in a woman with a red flag.We correct the misconception many have about dating -- that more matches is better. It's not about more, it's about better, and (around the 16 minute mark) we discuss the logic behind how to get those better matches. Can't- miss stuff for any new listener.Oh, and we share one of the best worst date stories -- or worst best date -- from a listener, Dan makes a very BOLD declaration and Scott says the word "wiener" a bunch.Also on the show: • Scott's back pain is at a 9.• Dan learns more than he wanted about his ex's social life.• Scott says, "I go both ways on this." • Dan is looking to connect with a VERY specific group of people.• "You can't make someone like you. You can make someone NOT like you."• "A kiss is not a contract."• "I'm going to LexisNexis the FUCK out of that guy."• "You were splashing in the kiddie pool."• "That was a yikes moment on this podcast for sure."• "Know that if you're coming over, packing a bag, the wiener's coming out." • "Oh, [if] you're packing a bag, then you're also packing something else."

Valentine's Day is approaching, and so we ask, for single parents on dating apps, what's love go to do with it? (Not the only Tina Turner reference on the show, and waiting for the Private Dancer one is SO worth it.)Moreover, we discuss the concept of the Serial Dater vs. the Long-term Seeker, and, which is worse, if your ex finds someone to be in an LTR right after you, or if your ex is a serial dater? Please leave comments for your experiences.Scott talks about the red flags Dan isn't seeing with potential dates. Are there different kinds of red flags...those of character and those of circumstance?Dan admits he can't see gray, because everything in the world is black or white.This is and episode that may make your brain explode. Sorry and you're welcome, and PLEASE share your thoughts either in the comments here, or via FB, IG or DM/Text.

On today's show we talk about fear, specifically the fear of getting hurt. Fear keeps us from doing things we might find dangerous, but does that translate to relationships? Parenting? We also talk about the weekend, The Weeknd and whether or not you do research on a person you match with BEFORE going out with them?Some quotes...• "Does the fear of letting people in, or the fear of being real too soon, constrict you with regard to dating, or parenting?"• "Who is going to want to date me when I’m 50? I’m old." • "I got SnapChat filtered again."• "If you put yourself out there, and you put everything about you out there, and you get rejected, it does hurt." • "It’s this damn podcast, Dan. I was under the radar until this podcast came out and now everyone can find me so quickly."• "I’m a private person. And I have a podcast."