Marriage Breakdown

Last episode we walked through how couples develop alongside how they are both developing as adults.  This week we talk about how to grow within your relationship.  First, you both get your own feelings and secondly, seeing how your partner may trigger you as a moment to learn something about yourself.   Here is the quote I shared in the episode:"If you are willing at look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all” -Yogi BhajanI’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   Per last episode, I'll also be sharing the couples development cycle with you once you sign up.  

This week we start a new series - Relationships as People Growing Machines.  The first episode in this series is walking through the couples development cycle developed by The Couples Institute and looking at how this combines with Kegan's theory of adult development.  All of this leads to understanding how the best relationships are people growing machines.  The next episode will then explain how to help your relationship to be a people growing machine.  Here is the link to the Medium article on Kegan's Theory of Adult Development.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   Per today's episode, I'll also be sharing the couples development cycle with you once you sign up.  

Now we look at the instructions - not how to put together the argument but how to break it down so you can understand it - you both create this pattern or cycle of argument together.  That means you can stop it together and communicate in a new way. Today's episodes offer the instructions for how to take this step and actually communicate - listen and hear each other in order to connect.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

The Diagram is typically called the negative cycle, pattern, or dance. This is an important step to better understand how you can find connection in your relationship again.  Because when you're often in arguments and experiencing ruptures in trust and connection, it's through understanding the diagram of the argument and changing that pattern that you can find connection again. Next week we go over the Instructions - how to sidestep the negative cycle or typical argument and find connection again.We are now publishing episodes on Wednesdays - so, expect a new episode every Wednesday throughout this season.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

What makes up the materials in an argument?  It's the two of you.  First, it's based on adult attachment and how that works on you both in your relationship.  Next, it's the tender spots, old hurts or baggage you both carry into the relationship.  These often trigger the argument and can be right out of your knowing. Next week, we get into the actual diagram of an argument and how it happens between the two of you and we end with the instructions - how to sidestep or avoid the argument.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

This first episode of the season is an overview of the elements of an argument.  First is the materials needed - which is the two of you.  Then, the actual diagram - what does an argument look like and what is happening for both of you.  Finally, the instructions - what are the ways you can both reduce / avoid arguments.  I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I bring experience from a long-term marriage - I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

Today's podcast continues the Divorce Proof Your Marriage series.  Turning Towards Your Relationship seems so obvious.  But, when stonewalling creeps into your relationship - it can be more intuitive to turn away.  This is why we are discussing turning towards how-to's this week and as always, I share explanations, examples and exercises!This episode also ends Season 1 - Marriage Breakdown will be back in the Fall.  Look for a preview of the upcoming series in August, 2021!Please note:  none of these friendship tenets apply if there is domestic violence.  Please go to www.thehotline.org for resources on domestic violence. I'm your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you. Helping you on the path to strengthening the friendship in your marriage is my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio.  To get this and more, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

Today's podcast continues the Divorce Proof Your Marriage series.  As we continue to learn more about how to strengthen the friendship aspects of your marriage, I discuss how Assume Positive Intent is an antidote to Defensiveness.  As always, I share explanations, examples and exercises!Please note:  none of these friendship tenets apply if there is domestic violence.  Please go to www.thehotline.org for resources on domestic violence.I'm your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.Helping you on the path to strengthening the friendship in your marriage is my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio.  To get this and more, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.   

Today's podcast continues the Divorce Proof Your Marriage series.  As we focus on how to strengthen the friendship aspects of your marriage, I discuss how offering Benefit of the Doubt to your partner is an antidote to contempt.  There's explanations, examples and exercises!Please note:  none of these friendship tenets apply if there is domestic violence.  Please go to www.thehotline.org for resources on domestic violence.I'm your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

Today's podcast continues the Divorce Proof Your Marriage series going further into how to strengthen your friendship.  The focus is setting your partner up for success.  I walk through what this means using an example from my own marriage and how it's an antidote for criticism. There's an exercise too!Please note:  none of these friendship tenets apply if there is domestic violence.  Please go to www.thehotline.org for resources on domestic violence.I'm your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

Today's episode ends the series on Six Ways to Break the Tension after an Argument and starts a new series.  This is about bringing in a deep, committed friendship to your relationship and is proactive in nature instead of reactive.  I'll be reviewing Gottman's four horsemen - criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and how these set couple's on the path to divorce.  This series will focus on the antidote - the tenets of friendship - setup your partner for success, benefit of the doubt, assume positive intent, and turning towards your relationship instead of away.Please note:  none of these friendship tenets apply if there is domestic violence.  Please go to www.thehotline.org for resources on domestic violence.Your host is Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

This week's episode is step five of the six step process to break the tension after an argument. Step five is putting aside time for the two of you - a time that's calm and quiet, where you both have an opportunity to be thoughtful and to have space to discuss the argument and seek repair. Per usual, there is an example and an exercise for today's episode.

Communicating to be Heard is taking Steps 1-3 and pulling each of these together to share with your partner and break the tension after the argument.  I discuss why combining taking your part, offering empathy to your partner and explaining your feelings is a powerful tool to ensure your partner hears you and listens fully.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

Step 3 explores what you were feeling in the argument.  It's hard to know the ways you could have been hurt by your partner and how to express it so your partner can hear you.  Everything is going so fast between you in the argument and you are just reacting.  Today's episode slows it down and helps you to understand what you were feeling - sad, hurt, anger and then how to share this with your partner.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio.  You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

This episode begins a series on Six Ways to Break the Tension after an Argument.  We've all been there.  After the argument, nothing is resolved but bringing it up again is just going to open the wound.  The steps are here to guide you to get to resolution and feel connected again.  The steps are1.       Take Your Part2.       See It from Your Partner’s Perspective3.       Keep It with You4.       Pull it All Together5.       Ask Your Partner for Time6.       Be Proactive by Building a FriendshipI’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

We are all about Step 1 today.  This is about Take Your Part.  The best relationships are people growing machines.  We look at how you can change and be ready to have an intention to change and grow into your relationship.  There’s a great exercise to help you set this intention.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (Supervised by Rawna Romero) and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.

Here we go Step 2.  See it from your partner’s perspective. Translated “offer your partner empathy”.  Guess what?  If you accept your partner is human, it gives you permission to be human too. Another great exercise to support this step.I’m your host Tami Zak, an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and a Relationship Coach.  Not only do I bring my training and experience as a therapist and coach to the podcast, I have been married to my partner for over 25 years.  All of this informs the advice and knowledge I am sharing with you.To get my 25 Ways to Increase Your Relationship’s Magic Positive Ratio, sign up at https://tami.ck.page/25magicratio   You’ll also receive my newsletter with all the podcast exercises.