Hello Mother, Hello Daughter

Tales from the Bridal Salon. A Discussion with Emily LappiWhose wedding is it anyway? When it comes to a bride’s big day, choosing a weddingdress is anything but simple — especially while navigating the complexmother-daughter relationship. In this week’s episode, we hear from Emily Lappi, a bridal consultant, actor, former podcast host, and friend of Dr. Michelle Miller-Day.  With over eight years of experience styling brides, Emily has truly seen it all, sharing numerous stories that highlight topics such as body image, menstruation, and parental health. She views the dress selection process as a symbol of a woman coming into her own power as she prepares for marriage, independent of her mother. Considering the pressure that can be felt from one’s mother, family, or media depictions, it is essential for brides to set boundaries while remaining open to change.  Rather than asking what a mother “wants,” Emily suggests asking what she “sees” her daughter wearing; this centers the focus of the wedding dress shopping (and the wedding) on the bride and her partner. As a stylist, Emily works to bridge any gaps between a mother and daughter, keeping the bride’s happiness paramount.Emily describes witnessing hurtful communication practices like mothers who retreat or attack during bridal fittings, withholding communication or making hurtful comments about their daughter's physical appearance. In response, brides “deflate” under their mother’s disapproval. A better way forward, Emily says, is for a Mother of the Bride (MOBs) to practice active listening. Active listening allows daughters to lead the experience with mothers reflecting upon daughters' communication, holding back any negative appraisals.  Michelle and Emily discuss the importance of mother-daughter communication when wedding dress shopping and how Gen Z daughters and their mothers seem to be more accepting of one another. Learning how to communicate effectively  has become a lot more accessible thanks to social media. And that's a good thing!  After all, it is your daughter’s wedding!Tips from the hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day:Mothers often see daughters as extensions of their own bodies — be mindful of the comments being made.Have a conversation prior to the bridal appointment to set boundaries and articulate expectations.Hold the experience with “open hands” by considering new possibilitiesQuote from Emily“It’s not about what the dress looks like, it's how you feel in it — because how you feel in your dress is what shows in your photos.”Quote from Michelle“Comments matter. Be careful and aware of the comments that you make. You serve as a model for your daughter.”Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Featuring an open discussion between our host, Dr. Allison Alford, and familycommunication expert, Dr. Sandra Faulkner, this episode explores the many ways thatwe “do family,” the experiences of adult daughters throughout the COVID-19pandemic, and leaning into creativity as a means of processing.Dr. Sandra Faulkner shares her experiences as a professor (Bowling Green State University), encouraging students to employ creative practices when applying theory to better understand their lives. Such art based research is evident in her article “Buttered Nostalgia,”  where Sandra describes using cooking to explore instances of everyday caregiving, acts of daughtering, and interactions between siblings during the pandemic. Sandra describes herself as an adult daughter and mother like a  "rubber band,"  being pulled and stretched towards those who need you: both your parents and your own child and partner. Allison and Sandra also mention the desire to be “mothered” or “daughtered”throughout time, sharing personal stories as both mothers and daughters while examining their upbringings and relationships with their own children. Referencing a recent chapter she wrote, "Family Communication as an Art," Sandra encourages listeners to get a sense of their familial relationships through creative outlets such as writing a letter, even if it's never sent!Tips from our hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day, to process thoughtsabout family relationships:Imagine you are writing a bumper sticker description of your relationship (like a catchphrase).Bring a box of art supplies to your next family gathering.Use poetry or other forms of writing to express one’s feelings and enhance the mind-body connection.Send funny memes! Laugh a little.  :)Write a letter to express yourself. Remember, it doesn't have to be mailed.More on Dr. Sandra Faulkner:Podcast on collagehttps://theautoethnographer.com/new-podcast-how-can-collage-be-utilized-in-autoethnography/Collage of Mothering poemshttps://theautoethnographer.com/collage-and-erasure-poems-baby/Buttered Nostalgia https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075211012478Cook’s Corner: A lot of love in this cake: Faulkner family recipe is flexible simple.https://www.sent-trib.com/2022/11/15/cooks-corner-a-lot-of-love-in-this-cake-faulkner-family-recipe-is-flexible-simple/TEDxBGSU highlights the meaning of Public Goodhttps://www.bgsu.edu/news/2022/04/tedxbgsu-highlights-the-meaning-of-public-good.html?fbclid=IwAR13EAm4mQRG_B_JF_z-Yx2Ibx9cLXf_a4RBCJg9vNJRFhR0TD7QT2UdCrkBG Ideas Podcast Double-Duty Caretaking During COVID-19https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/double-duty-caretaking-during-covid-19/id1459394334?i=1000534645245Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

This week’s episode features a discussion on narcissistic mothers with Dr. Karyl McBride, a licensed marriage and family therapist, consultant, expert witness, and author. Note for listeners: this episode is not a substitute for professional treatment, but rather an open and knowledge-based conversation.When describing adult mother-daughter relationships, Michelle explains thatdaughters who lack mothering often grieve an idealistic form of their relationship. This can especially be true for daughters with narcissistic mothers. These mothers' lack of empathy can be seen through entitlement, exploitation, and constant disapproval. Dr. McBride notes the term narcissism is used loosely in society, when in reality narcissism disorder is far more serious. Sharing personal experiences from their own lives, Michelle and Karyl reference the all too familiar “family rule” of maintaining a perfect image, despite the dysfunctional dynamics that persist behind the scenes. Dr. McBride compares the narcissistic family system to that of the alcoholic, identifying key familial roles including the narcissist, the enabler, the scapegoat, the golden child, and the lost child. Although there is no such thing as a perfect family, Dr. McBride emphasizes the importance of having someone to lean on throughout one’s child development. Connections, like the mother-daughter relationship, inform one’s sense of identity from an early age. In her books ("Will the Drama Ever End?: Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism") Dr. McBride provides tools and a five-step recovery framework to help adult children process their dysfunction (see below).Tips from the hosts, Dr. Allison Alford and Dr. Michelle Miller-DayFind a trained, licensed therapist to help unpack relationships with narcissists.Think about contact levels with a narcissistic parent, weighing one’s options. Measured contact may include limited interactions and healthy boundaries (bandbacktogether.com).Estrangement results in no contact at all, which may be healthy for certain circumstances.Follow the recovery steps outlined by Dr. Karyl McBride in her books#1 Acknowledge trauma and healing.#2 Individuate and separate from the dysfunctional relationship.#3 Become the person you really are.#4 Understand how you will re-enter the family system#5 Meaningfully integrate information and healing into your new lifeFind MoreBooks: willieverbegoodenough.comClinical Practice: karylmcbridephd.comExpert Blog: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-loveFacebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram“A lot of people are told the past is the past, get over it. That's not true. If we don’t embrace the trauma and do recovery, we won’t get better - it’s an inside job” -K.M.“There is a lot to think about for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Be safe. Be healthy. Be Loved.” -M.M.D. Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Resourcing your relationship: Daughtering from a place of provision A discussion w/ Kat Foster The wait is finally over! What better way to launch season 2 of Hello Mother, Hello Daughter than by having Kat Foster on the podcast? Kat Foster (@iamkatfoster) is a profoundly versatile, classically-trained actor known for her leading roles in a wide range of film, television, and theater productions. Her recent creative endeavor, a short film, connected Kat to Allison and Michelle’s work through the term daughtering. In their discussion, Kat describes the role and behaviors associated with daughtering through the notion of replenishing, or resourcing, oneself first in order to daughter effectively. This sense of individuation guides daughters in understanding their own needs, even if mothering cannot fulfill them. Sharing her personal experience as both a mother and a daughter, Kat explains how looking inwards makes visible the ways that one is resourced, both positively and negatively, in their mother-daughter relationship. In turn, this can help daughters recognize areas to be grateful for as well as those in need of repair. Kat’s short film Daughtering–which she wrote, directed, and starred in–serves as an example of resourcing through creative means. She describes a sense of profound connection, which is portrayed in the film yet not found in her offscreen mother-daughter relationship. The short film’s relation to a longing for mothering serves as a way of processing complex relationships in which there is both compassion and resentment. Allison and Kat reference the concept of "separating the being from the doing" when understanding daughtering. They discuss "daughtering and being" through identity, feelings, and thoughts, allowing daughters to make peace with themselves. In contrast, “doing daughtering” does not necessarily mean elder caregiving, as care can be shown through emotional support and acts of service. Consider how as daughters, we may desire for our mothers to live more fully, whether that be overcoming a fear or enjoying activities they love! The podcast ends with a tip (or homework?!) from our hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day, to account for the ways one is resourced or needs resources in their mother-daughter relationship: Make a list of what you have in your mother-daughter relationship that strengthens connection, as well as what makes it difficult to engage in the relationship. Reflecting on the items on this list can bring awareness to your daughtering resources. Find more on Kat Foster:Kat Foster IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1928172/ Daughtering IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt14558074/Memorable quote from Kat “You can’t care for people if you are under resourced, yet giving your resources is a pleasure, like a wonderful symbiotic relationship.” Memorable quote from Allison“Being great daughters means being good to ourselves first.”Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello DaughterHosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-DayDate: 12/20/22Title: “Why adding "Daughtering’" to our language is important”About:In this episode, Allison discusses daughtering as an identity and a role.  Identities are the ways we think of and label ourselves. Roles, on the other hand, are ways of behaving in a given set of circumstances. Borrowed language, can be problematic. Using the wrong word for an activity can diminish the importance of the behavior, or make it an invisible act. If we are not using the right language, we are not giving daughters their due credit or asking what could be better/worse about this family role. Likewise, overburdening the mothering role can create unreasonable expectations for motherhood. Allison shares a description of daughtering from her research, which can be found in the book, linked below.  In other words, daughtering describes the ways adult daughters provide for–or care for–their parents. It’s the way a daughter acts like a daughter. She provides care or support on purpose. Daughtering is so much more than a later-in-life activity. Think of the stuff daughters do for decades. Apply the idea of parenting (where a lot of work takes place for toddlers, teens, and adult kids), to adult daughters, and think of the work daughters are putting in. So, why is it important to name and define daughtering? Words define our experience. Just ask Webster’s dictionary! Without definition and discussion, daughtering is not getting the attention it deserves. Pointing out daughtering means it matters. And mattering fills our souls. So, tell a daughter what great daughtering she is doing. It will fill her soul!Hello Mother, Hello Daughter!  Our tip today is to do your very best to make choices for yourself and your family that improve your life and family relationships.  Thanks for joining us on Season 1 of our podcast. Look for Season 2 next year in the summer of 2023! Citations:Alford, A. M. (2021). Doing daughtering: an exploration of adult daughters’ constructions of role portrayals in relation to mothers. Communication Quarterly, 69(3), 215-237. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2021.1920442Alford, A. M., & Miller-Day, M. (Eds.) (2019). Constructing motherhood and daughterhood across the lifespan. Peter Lang. https://doi.org/10.3726/b10841. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Constructing-Motherhood-Daughterhood-Lifespan-Communication/dp/1433165716/ Walters, S. D. (1992). Lives together, worlds apart: Mothers and daughters in popular culture. University of California Press. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Together-Worlds-Suzanna-Danuta-Walters/dp/0520086562 Credits: Produced by Michelle Miller-DayGraphic Design by Malia Niell Social Media management by Ella KodjababianMusic by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusicFind us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello DaughterHosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-DayDate: 11/06/22Title: Family secrets: Why we tell them and what that means Hosts, Drs. Michelle-Miller Day and Allison Alford discuss disclosure, family secrets, and the impact on the family. Allison shares a story about a daughter dealing with the fallout of her father’s financial secret. Michelle shares a personal story about a big family secret that she discovered a few years back. First, we learn about disclosure. Self-disclosure occurs when you share something private. This could bring us closer and be beneficial or it could create disconnect.Some things to know about secrets: Secrets are information that eventually gets disclosed in some way. Secrets can be perceived as necessary to protect oneself or others in the family, especially to avoid judgment.Vangelisti says “intrafamily secrets,” information disclosed to some but not all family members, are the most destructive king. Secrets that build up and fester can become a very big problem in families. Pennebaker says negative secrets can lead to feelings of betrayal and anxiety. Greater levels of secrecy within a family are associated with overall increased dissatisfaction. Michelle and her sister Susan get very real and vulnerable by telling their personal stories of secrets within their family. We learn about Michelle’s DNA test revelations revealing a surprising paternity and how that has impacted her identity within the greater family. Susan shares about her experience with a hidden pregnancy during the 70s. Susan broke the cycle of intergenerational family secrets by raising her children to always tell the truth and talk everything out. She encourages mothers and daughters to keep the lines of communication open to avoid toxic secrets that undermine cohesion and connection within families. Remember, it’s never too late to change and start talking about secrets within your family! In this portion of the podcast, we hear a question from a listener and provide some tips for connection. Hello Mother, Hello Daughters! 5 things you can do if your family has secretsIf you discover a family secret, let yourself feel how you feel! Process in healthy ways. Remember, time is a factor when thinking about family secrets. Realize you are not defined by others’ secrets. After learning a secret, decide where you want to go from here.Thanks for joining us on today’s podcast. If you got something out of it, share it with a friend and leave us a review! Citations: Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions: Guilford Press. Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Healing-Confiding-Others/dp/0688088708/ Vangelisti, A. (2009) Feeling hurt in close relationships.Cambridge University Press. Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Close-Relationships-Advances-Personal/dp/0521866901/ Credits: Produced by Michelle Miller-DayGraphic Design by Malia Niell Question from Alexis (thanks!)Social Media management by Ella KodjababianMusic by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusicFind us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello DaughterHosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-DayDate: 10/23/22Title: “Cherry Lane”: A conversation about maintaining connection in the mother-daughter relationshipHosts, Drs. Michelle-Miller Day and Allison Alford discuss the adult mother-daughter relationship and the ways healthy relationships maintain emotional connection despite leading individual lives. Should we fully connect? Fully disconnect? What’s the best way to build connection between mothers and daughters? Staying connected, but retaining uniqueness. Women must avoid enmeshment or over-connection.   Perhaps there’s a Venn diagram of separation and connection with some overlap. Mothers and daughters have to balance identities of “she” and “me.” Think about Nesting Dolls (“matryoshkas”) and the ways the daughter’s image is nested within her mother’s. Picture a pair of cherries on a stem who are connected but distinctly different. Being a separate person, yet staying connected is a challenge! Shows like “Gilmore-Girls” have done women a disservice. Let’s eliminate “friendship” in the mother-daughter relationship. Consider how connection and control are related. Control and connection can often be expressed similarly. But we have to be careful when we speak to each other, because bids for connection can come across as bids for control. All relationships have tensions. Mothers and daughters must manage many relational dialectics, or what we might think of as tensions or pendulum swings for the dynamics in the relationship. Openness and closedness, connectedness and disconnectedness, or closeness and distance are some examples. These are all occurring at the same time. Consider these when evaluating your relationships.  Boundaries help us maintain healthy connections. Create permeable and adjustable fences around the information in your life. Sometimes you need a fence, but that fence needs to also let people in.  Devices impact connection. Cell phones can sometimes be an electronic umbilical cord, especially for college-aged daughters and their mothers, according to Aimee Miller-Ott and colleagues (2014). When moms weighed in too much on daily decisions, they were perceived as helicopter parents. Moms and daughters must balance their need for autonomy with that equal need for connection. In this portion of the podcast, we hear a question from a listener and provide some tips for connection. Hello Mother, Hello Daughters! Tips for daughters:Decide when to stay in your lane. Determine if the topic you have been pondering really needs to be discussed with your mom. Prime the pump. Prepare to have a big conversation by asking her to meet with you and discuss a topic you have on your mind. Schedule a discussion. Stay in your lane! After you’ve shared your opinion, leave the topic alone and allow your mother space to behave in the way she best sees fit. Tips for mothers:Perceive the goal. Consider why daughters are coming to you for conversation. See them as they are now. Think of who you are interacting with today and not from yesterday’s child-like point-of-view. Withhold your opinion if you disagree. Stop and provide support, but hold your opinion unless safety is an issue. Thanks for joining us on today’s podcast. If you got something out of it, share it with a friend and leave us a review! Citations: Alford, A. M., & Miller-Day, M. (Eds.) (2Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello DaughterHosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-DayDate: 10/09/22Title: “Memorable Moments & Turning Points”Hosts, Drs. Michelle-Miller Day and Allison Alford discuss the adult mother-daughter relationship and what happens in these relationships over a lifespan. Today’s discussion is about Memorable Moments and Turning Points. First, Allison shares a story about her childhood and the movie Steel Magnolias (are you a M’Lynn or a Ouiser?!). Next, Michelle tells us about her childhood and the ways she first learned that events can create better closeness or distance between mothers and daughters. We then turn to the social scientific perspective and research to learn what Michelle has uncovered as the categories of events that occurred during Turning Points that created greater closeness or distance for those interviewed. Using the Retrospective Interviewing Technique, Michelle spoke to sons and daughters about Turning Points over their lives that brought about increased closeness or distance in the relationship with their mothers. The categories of meaning include social support, shared activities, criticism, conflict, physical and emotional distance, crisis, daughter’s transition into adulthood, filial comprehending, pregnancy & childbirth, and caregiving. Lastly, we hear a listener question and get tips on how any woman can process turning points and memorable moments from her past to create clarity that can enhance our relationships. Links: Five Wishes activity. Access here: https://www.fivewishes.org/for-myself/ Credits: Produced by Michelle Miller-DayGraphic Design by Malia Niell Question from Laura (thanks!)Social Media management by Ella KodjababianMusic by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusicFind us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

Podcast: Hello Mother, Hello DaughterHosts: Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-DayGuests: Allison's Mom!Date: 9/25/22Title: “Daughtering Matters in the Mother-Daughter Relationship”Hello Mother, Hello Daughter is a podcast where hosts, Drs. Allison Alford and Michelle Miller-Day explore contemporary issues of adult mother-daughter relationships. In this episode, Allison and Michelle discuss how they met and what brought them to the field of mother-daughter relationship research. Then, Allison shares her research on adult daughtering, defining what it means to “daughter” one’s parents and what that looks like in real life. We meet Allison’s mom and hear her stories of daughtering and modeling daughterhood. Categories of daughtering work such as thinking, doing, feeling, and being work are discussed, as well as why the invisibility of this labor is problematic. Michelle and Allison answer a listener’s question and offer tips for mothers and daughters to better recognize effective daughtering in listeners’ lives.  Sources: Alford, A. M. (2021). Doing daughtering: an exploration of adult daughters’ constructions of role portrayals in relation to mothers. Communication Quarterly, 69(3), 215-237. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2021.1920442Alford, A. M., & Marko-Harrigan, M. (2019). Role expectations and role evaluations in daughtering: Constructing the Good Daughter. Journal of Family Communication, 19(4), 348-361. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2019.1643352Alford, A. M., & Miller-Day, M. (Eds.) (2019). Constructing motherhood and daughterhood across the lifespan. Peter Lang. https://doi.org/10.3726/b10841. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Constructing-Motherhood-Daughterhood-Lifespan-Communication/dp/1433165716/Di Leonardo, M. (1987). The female world of cards and holidays: Women, families, and the work of kinship. Signs, 12(3), 440-453. Access here: https://anthropology.northwestern.edu/documents/people/TheFemaleWorldofCards.pdf Miller-Day, M. (2004). Communication among grandmothers, mothers, and daughters: A qualitative study of maternal relationships. Routledge. Purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Communication-Among-Grandmothers-Mothers-Daughters/dp/0805839798/ Credits: Produced by Michelle Miller-DayGraphic Design by Malia Niell Question from Emily (thanks!)Social Media management by Ella KodjababianMusic by Happy Summer by RomanSenykMusicFind us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter

It's the Season 2 finale! Host Dr. Allison Alford joins mother-daughter duo Leah & Dr. Mildred Boveda to explore the role of daughtering through the lens of youth activism and Critical Race Theory, rooted in Black Feminism. Allison's Google Alerts serendipitously connected her to the Bovedas; ahh the beauty of the research community!Leah, a student at Brown University, reflects on her previous experiences as a youth activist in critical race debates after moving from FL to AZ, and how this culture shift impacted her adolescence. Leah tells her story, describing how she daughtered non-familial adults by both challenging and appreciating them. Dr. Mildred Boveda—an award-winning professor at Penn State University, scholar and expert in special education studies—tells her story of making an impact in education, describes her work around Critical Race Theory and unpacks some thoughtful ideas for listeners to better understand current debates. Next, they discuss the Bovedas article, Centering Youth of Color Activism & Knowledge in the Critical Race Theory Debates (Boveda & Boveda, 2023). Shout out to to Dr. Venus Evans-Winters for her research in  daughtering as well as for her mentorship of Leah! Mothering and daughtering roles can be found in both familial and non-familial relationships; through these connections women make sense of the world. Mildred explains how mothers, or nurturers, make space for daughters and the generations to come, while acknowledging how younger people can aid understanding. There is both an honoring by daughters toward mothers and a push to do better. Leah adds that daughtering can take place almost anywhere, but is particularly salient in youth activism, and in this space, effective communication is key. As the final season of Hello Mother, Hello Daughter comes to a close, we would like to extend our gratitude to all our listeners!  Want to share your daughtering story? Contact us at 100daughtersproject@gmail.com.Reflection Questions from hosts, Drs. Allison Alford & Michelle Miller-Day:Who are you daughtering?  What separates daughtering from friendship or other relational connections?Do you think they recognize your daughtering?Have you considered having a conversation with close women in your life to discuss non-familial daughtering or mothering?To learn more about CRT:Explore the research of Derrick Bell, Kimberlé Crenshaw, Cheryl Harris, & Patricia J. Williams (to name a few!)Memorable Quotes:“Mothering and daughtering are two sides of the same coin. I am not dismissed in this daughtering role.” -Leah“Maybe my mom didn’t have the opportunities  that I did, but as her daughter, I should honor her and uplift her so that other people can know what she helped me understand and what I helped her understand” -Dr Mildred BovedaLinks:In memoriam, honor, and love for Mildred's Mami: a collection of storiesBoveda, L., & Boveda, M. (2023). Centering Youth of Color Activism and Knowledge in the Critical Race Theory Debates. Teachers College Record, 125(5), 118-129. Mildred's blog on CRT. Leah's project: Melanin Minds.Find us on Instagram: instagram.com/hellomother_hellodaughter/ and Facebook: facebook.com/hellomotherhellodaughter