Smashterpieces

Hey, woah, bro! What you got there, bro? A hammer, bro? What are you, some kind of Hammer Bro, bro? Are you gonna hit me, bro? All because I pulled a harmless little prank, bro? It was just a prank, bro! Just because I turned your dad into a pig, bro? Just because I pig’d your dad, bro? You’re gonna hit me with a hammer, bro? Not cool, bro. Bruh, bro… I don’t really know how to transition from this terribly stupid bit into actual information, bro. This episode covers chapters 4-6 for what it’s worth, bro. We laughed and we cried, bro. Much like how I’m gonna cry if you keep swinging that hammer, bro. C’mon, bro. I just don’t underst-We’ll see you next time as we wrap up Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door (bro)

2023 was the year of a lot of things. Playing Smashterpieces games was not one of them.We’ll be back soon with more Paper Mario (I promise).

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! ACTUALLY IT’S THURSDAY! THURSDAY THURSDAY THURSDAY! ARE YOU READY FOR A BRAWL? A BOUT? A GOD DAMN DONNYBROOK? YOU’RE IN THE PIT, AND IT’S TIME FOR THE TITLE MATCH! IN ONE CORNER THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE SHINING, THE SPECTACULAR, THE FEATHER BOUND, THE BIRD, RAAAAAAWK HAAAAAAWK! IN THE OTHER CORNER THE MYSTERIOUS MUSTACHIOED MENACE AND HIS SON, A LITERAL INFANT BORN HALF AN HOUR AGO! IT’S THE GREAAAAT GONZALES! IN TONIGHT’S MA- *ahem* oh god, it turns out screaming for an entire one of these descriptions does not do good things for the throat. This is part one of our discussion on Smashterpiece #47: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. It covers the start of the game to the end of chapter 3, so I hope you’re ready to hear about why we miss the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, why we did not enjoy playing Bad Pikmin, and why it’s time to RAAAAAAWK. Or something like that. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer.We’ll be back soon with Part 2 of our discussion, which will cover chapter 4 to the end of chapter 6!

Space Log #223: We’ve landed on Planet Zebes but we have lost our power suits, and therefore have lost the shell that protects our small and fragile human bodies. Worry not, though, as the hard shell on our hearts still remains. Well, mine does, I can’t actually speak for Matt. Sadly this particular hard shell is only metaphorical, as the heart is also squishy and made of pierceable flesh. I admit that maybe buying the cheapest pistols at Space Costco for our emergency kit was not the smartest idea, but I will never say out loud that Matt was right when he yelled at me for buying them. The guy at the store said these were the ones we wanted! We’re fine. It’s fine. Anyways, that’s not what this log is actually about, we’re actually going to talk about Smashterpiece #46: Metroid: Zero Mission. How does it compare to the original? What about to other remakes in the series, such as the remakes of Metroid II? How is the new section at the end? THE GUNS ARE FINE, STOP WHINING OR I WON’T GIVE YOU ANY MORE DISCOUNT SPACE RATIONS. THEY WERE ON SALE.Join us next time as we flatten and fold into the world of Smashterpiece #47: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

I wanna be the very best, or at least passable in the eyes of my peers. See, that’s the difference between you and I. You pick a Charmander because it’s the only one that gets to learn fly when it’s fully evolved, but that’s just the easy route. It works, yeah. But have you ever considered a Squirtle? It’s the only one that doesn’t get any dual typing at all, that’s the true patriot’s path. Back in my day we had to evolve uphill both ways, you damn kids have it too easy, everybody should have to suffer like I did. What was I talking about? Oh right, this episode is talking about Smashterpiece #45: Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen, our first real Pokemon game. Things did not go according to plan. That’s another thing you young’uns don’t get: plans! And home ownership! Anyways we’re joined by our friend Devon as we delve into the region of Kanto for a remake of the original Pocket Monster collecting games. Who are you? Where are my teeth?Join us next time as we return to Planet Zebes but this time for the first time in Smashterpiece #46: Metroid: Zero Mission

Say fellas, did somebody mention the Door to Darkness?Pokemon is coming.

Did you know that dogs can’t look up? This implies that the Doomslayer, who also cannot look up, is in fact not a person but a dog. The evidence is out there, mostly on Mars and in Hell, but it is out there. Don’t believe me? Have you ever seen the Doomslayer eat food? Of course not, cause he’s eating his dog food in secret to throw you off the trail. Wake up, sheeple! The government doesn’t want you to know! The Doomslayer is a dog! Anyways, we’re here to talk about Doom. Not 2016, that’d be silly. We’re talking about the ORIGINAL Doom. You know, the one where you can’t look up BECAUSE THE DOOMSLAYER IS A DOG.Join us next time as oh god we’re playing that? No, god no, what hath we wrought?

Welcome to FASCAR, the channel where we talk about Fast Cars. Today we’re gonna talk about the fastest cars of all, the ones of the legendary F-Zero Grand Prix. They go very fast. They go extremely fast. Think of the fastest thing you know. A beautiful stallion? Faster. A regal cheetah? Faster. A tuned-up racecar? Faster. A jet like from that one movie? FASTER. The speed at which my life has fallen apart and my family has left me so I’m stuck here in this dark room writing podcast episode descriptions trying desperately not to let it set in but it gets harder to do so every day? Somehow even faster. You can hear all about these speed demons in this episode discussing Smashterpiece #44: F-Zero GX. What do we think about the story mode as opposed to the Grand Prix? What makes this game so special in the world of racing games? Where’s your closest F-Zero AX machine? All that and more in today’s episode! (NOTE: We do not know which F-Zero AX machine is closest to you personally, that would be weird)Join us next time as we set off on our first proper Pokémon adventure in Smashterpiece #45: Pokémon FireRed/LeafGreen

As I sit here on this battlefield, I think long and hard about the cost of this war. The lives lost (statistically like 7 or so), the wives widowed (I actually think our army only had three married people in it and two of them were married to each other), the blood spilt (this game is rated E for Everyone so honestly there really wasn’t any now that I think about it), the time taken (okay yeah this one checks out)… Was it really worth it? What were we even fighting for? I suppose if I had to come up with an answer it’d be that we were fighting for Smashterpiece #43, Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade. An era has finally come to an end, and it needs much discussion. How do the last few maps of the game hold up? What are some of the major differences between the ends Eliwood and Hector’s routes? Is Ninian Roy’s mom or did we all get it wrong? What even is a dragon, anyways? All this and more in today’s episode.Join us next time as we go way too god damn fast in Smashterpiece #44: F-Zero GX

Despite our many objections, another year has come and gone and time continues its merciless march forward. You may be tempted to feel anxious about the endless cycle of mortality slowly walking you towards a cliff, but we have just the remedy for that! Two guys talking about video games they already talked about on a podcast! Then looking forward to the next year, as if any of this matters. Well, it matters to us, so don’t go spoiling our good time! We thank you for your support in 2022, here’s to more progress on this daunting list in 2023.We’ll see you again soon for our final episode on Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade!

Ah, sorry we’re late! You know, the weather and the traffic and all that, but at least we’re just in time for the holidays! I mean, it’s only been… Oh god, has it actually been that long? Oh no, oh jeez, oh dang… It’s fine, let’s just say we went off to war and that’s why we took so long, right? War wasn’t won in a day! A fact that we have learned extensively in Smashterpiece #43: Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade. Much like the wheel of fate, Alex’s wheel of death continues to spin. Not really, more just people are dying. Everywhere, really. Even you, even me, even Eliwood, even the character from Binding Blade that you absolutely know because you’ve played Binding Blade, right? We’ve all played Binding Blade, the game that didn’t release outside of Japan? Yeah, we all played it. Definitely. Anyways, life is finite.The next episode will be our final episode on The Blazing Blade.

Dearest, Bethanissa,I write to you from an island that I’m told not many return from once they have breached its shores. It’s cold here, the pegasus knights have had to chip the ice off their mounts’ wings using the spare axes in the caravan, the fires have barely been able to keep us warm. A cloaked gentleman popped out of a basement roughly three days ago and said no magic allowed, as it turns out our company has become so accustomed to lighting the nightly campfire using the magicks of our various mages. Nobody knows how to build an actual fire. To pass the time we can only discuss Smashterpiece #43: Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade. Without this distraction, I daresay we would have lost all morale long ago. I think of you often, Bethanistopher, your picture kept close to my chest in the locket you gave me before I was enlisted. I treasure it, and hope to see you again soon…Matthew is dead. The thief not the host.Part three of our discussion on The Blazing Blade will cover chapters 20-26.

This Fire Emblem game looks really weirdThe war will continue soon, more Fire Emblem is to come!

Draw thy blade, it is time to enter the world of war and strife, struggle and conflict, death and resets. Here there is no happiness, only pain, but there could be happiness at the end of this tunnel. The only way to find out is to fight. Florina died again. Today’s episode is discussing the first ten chapters of Smashterpiece #43: Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade, or just Fire Emblem as it is known in the west. We’re joined by Alex de Freitas of Nintendo World Report for our first check in on what was the first Fire Emblem to ever be released outside of Japan. How is Joe so far handling his first Fire Emblem without the crutch of a casual mode? Why is the beginning of this game so horribly handholdy? Why Erk make fire? All this and more in today’s episode!Part two of our discussion on The Blazing Blade will cover chapters 11-19.

Hello everyone, this is Matt. I’ve wrested Joe’s keyboard away from him to bring you this urgent message: I’m being held hostage in game #42: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and I need you to come save me. I believe I’m being kept in a bad dungeon, which I understand doesn’t narrow it down very much. Oh god, he’s coming, make sure you burn this message before he can—Matt has unfortunately and painfully died of scurvy, just take my word for it.Join us next time as we pick up our swords and meet our dragon wives in Smashterpiece #42: Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade

Oh god Wind Waker’s taking forever, this is technically our third bonus episode in a row, what have we do-… Oh uh, hey I didn’t see you there! Uh… P-pirate crocodiles, am I right? What’s up with them? They kidnap your friend and you have to take your girlfriend to beat them up? And your girlfriend has hair that she can like… uh… she can pick stuff up and be a helicopter and uh… um… This bonus episode is about Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy’s Kong Quest, a game that is in fact not called Diddy Kong’s Quest, and I’m sure at least a few of you are going to be shocked by this revelation. It’s a platformer full of monkeys and bananas and it’s got a good soundtrack and look I’m sorry we’re working on it, the ocean is big and sailing is hard, this game also has a pirate ship in it please just accept our apology.

Do you feel that? The dread? The fear? The anxiety? Mostly the dread though, it’s the one that’s in the title so I guess it’s the most important. Please stop talking, or that evil robot is going to find us. What? I’m the one who’s been talking this whole time? Have I at least been telling you about this new bonus episode from Smashterpieces on 2021’s Metroid Dread for the Nintendo Switch? Yes? What about how we liked it and talk a lot about why we like it? Have I mentioned how Kraid doesn’t deserve respect? You’re waving your arms wildly with fear in your eyes, but I asked a yes or no question could you at least answer? It’s rude not t- Oh I appear to have been stabbed.

Your mission is simple: you’ll be sent in solo and quietly, armed with nothing but a single handgun. All other equipment will have to be procured on site. We don’t know what you’ll find in there, but satellite imagery doesn’t paint a pretty picture. Your orders are to kill on sight, do not attempt to speak to the targets about anything, do not engage with the targets about anything, do not make eye contact with the targets, do not shake their hand, do not sit down for a friendly game of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate with them. It is vitally important you understand this. If you falter they may begin to tell you about Resident Evil 4, the only horror title you’re likely to ever hear them talk about on this show (unless they decide otherwise I guess). You may be asking yourself: is a full assassination really necessary for these two? What you have to understand is that they keep putting out podcasts and we just don’t know what else to do at this point. Good luck.Join us next time as… something about beans? I think?

In the reaches of space, below the surface of planet Plagiarism, Joe and Melanie faced video games. They destroyed their operation, wiped out the parasites called gamers, and defeated Mother Brain. But the games were far from finished… Because they still have like 40 of them left on their list. One of those games is Smashterpiece #41: Metroid Prime, one of the very few first-person shooters on our list. No matter how much we try, the games remain, so at least this time we’ve dragged another into this pit with us. Joining us this week to talk about lava worms and chozo ghosts and 3D maps and statistically probably some kind of metroid is George Hyde AKA SuperDQP! How do we feel about the various areas of Tallon IV? How successful is this game’s exploration based design when compared to the 2D games in the series? What the hell does it mean when somebody says they wish Samus could wear different heads? All this and more in today’s episode!Join us next time as we sail the open seas to save our sister in Smashterpieces #42: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Look, I want to write a snappy, surreal, weird description for this episode but frankly this game already does so much of my work for me that it feels like cheating. I mean come on, the main villain’s name is Brad. It’s just Brad. Everybody else is named like Saki or Airan or Achi and then there’s just a dude named Brad. How am I supposed to compete with that? Should I just retire? Is this where I have to throw in the towel? I’m having an existential crisis over here, please somebody send help. In the meantime here’s our bonus episode on the N64 title Sin and Punishment, which can be played through the Nintendo Switch Online Expansion Pack Extravaganza Galleria or whatever it’s called. His name is Brad.We’ll be back soon with our episode on Metroid Prime.