Angry At The Right Things

Listen in on another vulnerable conversation between Bronwyn & Kyira, both therapists, as they share their own challenges and insights on engaging with their parents. This conversation broaches the conflict many feel, as we see how our unhealed wounds of childhood affect us today. Which begs the question: how do we have a relationship with that parent? What do we do with all our resentment – so it doesn’t spill out on our own children? How do we have empathy for our parent, while still having boundaries for ourselves? How do we give grace while also holding accountability? When do we decide to cut off a parent?  Bronwyn leads Kyira in an Integration exercise with her young self in order to accept her mom as she is – not as Kyira wants her to be. Bronwyn also leads Kyira in a Grief exercise to say goodbye to the mom she had in her early childhood, which helps Kyira accept the mom she interacts with now.  Kyira Wackett is a Licensed Professional Counselor and host of the Untethering Shame podcast. Kyira is the founder of Adversity Rising.

Shame is a key component in trauma. It is not a feeling, but a deep-rooted and false belief system that divides us from our very self. Shame prohibits us from trusting ourselves and giving ourselves the approval and love we need. Shame is weaponized by abusive people, creating a cycle of dependency upon them. Ultimately, shame is the common enemy of all humanity, but we can beat it. Bronwyn walks us through a powerful Integration exercise to uproot shame.

OCD develops when we dissociate from our anger and it takes on a life of its own, becoming something that feels scary and out of control. When we finally allow ourselves to connect to the anger and understand it, it’s no longer dangerous or guilt-producing. When we are responsible for our anger, we master it, instead of it mastering us... and making us sick.

We live in a culture, including within the mental health community, that is pain-avoidant. Pain isn’t enjoyable, but it serves a vital purpose, both physically and mentally. It’s there to give us wisdom and illuminate truth. As much as we humans are inclined to avoid pain, it’s where the treasure lies. All wisdom and truth, like buried treasure, is found in the heart of the abyss. The depths are dark and frightening, but those who make the journey resurface with gold. It’s the Hero’s Journey, and the treasure we find is ourselves.

Listen in on an incredibly vulnerable conversation between Bronwyn & Kyira, both therapists, as they share their lived experiences and insights of emotional suppression. Specifically, how suppression of past emotions affects the present, causing unnecessary pain.  Bronwyn leads Kyira in a spontaneous and powerful integration exercise, which brings closure and completion.  Kyira Wackett is a Licensed Professional Counselor and host of the Untethering Shame podcast. This episode is originally from Untethering Shame. 

No one rescues anyone else, but a true healer helps us rescue ourselves. Any philosophy that teaches otherwise, just isn’t true. Each one of us is more powerful than we know.

Complicated grief stems from never having fully procured the approval of our attachment figures, which creates shame and compulsive behavior. Yet we can give ourselves closure and peace, putting parental ghosts to rest. Bronwyn leads us in an Integration exercise to do just that.

It's imperative to know the difference between a healthy heart and an underdeveloped one. A heart needs to be adequately defended, but not excessively. A healthy human has empathy for both self and other, and learns to surrender false hope for people who refuse to embrace their humanity.

Humans are deep caverns, that should never be taken at face value, but understood, through deep listening. A good therapist is like a home-birth midwife, who knows that healing, like birth, is the natural human trajectory, given the right conditions.

Forget about attachment style -- what truly assesses our emotional maturity is our ability to self-nurture. All we need is a commitment to ourselves that we are worth the work, because we ARE. And the work isn’t laborious or draining, but rejuvenating and delightful. Nurturing ourselves is, well… nurturing.

Triggers are when we find ourselves re-experiencing an unconscious memory from the past, haunting us in the present. Yet we can unlearn our triggers by understanding the context, and integrating with our younger selves. Integration leads to a wholeness far more beautiful than if we'd never been broken, just like Kintsugi pottery. 

Delusions are far more common than we would believe, as many people believe themselves to be a perpetual innocent victim. When we live with such a person, we are likely to develop hallucinations as a response. Bronwyn leads us in an Integration Exercise to rescue ourselves for once and for all.

A lack of attunement from a loved one is not neutral. It is hatred. When someone we love fails to empathize with us, our body suffers. Let’s learn to recognize hate and live a hate-free life, filling the void with love.

We create the atmosphere around us, whether we realize it or not. Bronwyn gives two practical examples of integration which heal the rift within us, allowing us to see ourselves as we truly are. Observation changes reality, as unraveling lies creates order and beauty.

Anxiety and depression are dissociative states, caused by shame, that prohibit us from having empathy for others. Being dissociative also robs us, making us half-dead, unable to blossom into our true selves.

Humans are designed to live in the tension of love and truth, which involves trusting ourselves and learning wisdom. When we do this, we live according to the grain of the universe, becoming humans who are both powerful and good.

Most of us are not familiar with conversations of gravitas and meaning, but rather, empty chatter, where people talk at -- not with -- us. This keeps us from understanding the weight of words, and from learning to listen. The truth is, words allow us to see into the soul of each another and ourselves. Words beget life and healing.

Emotions stagnate in our bodies, making us sick. We release this blocked energy through words and actions that lead to truth, and move us closer to living in reality.

Many parents find themselves reacting to their child's differentiation, which feels like rejection. This hurts both the child and the parent, and can thwart a child's development.  Parenting is the toughest job ever, but it is also an opportunity to grow up. At the end of the day, parenting isn’t about us, but our kids. If we lose sight of this it will be unnecessarily painful for everyone. But as we can learn to inhabit this paradox, it creates a fountain of joy, peace, and life that overflows, watering gardens all around.

This is an amazing interview by Beth Irias, LMFT, on the the Light Up the Couch podcast for therapists. Don't be intimidated if you are a lay-person though -- the principles are for all humans!  If you are a therapist, know that the Light Up the Couch podcast by Clearly Clinical is a great way to receive continuing education units! https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmHOA07fwo7kW3_ytEhIzoedC8Jyks4yo