Out Late With David

SummaryIn this episode, David Cotton interviews Kristin Kalbli, the host of Our Voices podcast and an LGBT ally. Kristin shares her experience as a straight spouse and her mission to help others in similar situations. They discuss the signs that Kristin missed in her marriage, the impact of her husband's coming out on their relationship, and the importance of honesty and communication in the coming out process. Kristin asks David about his own coming out to his spouse. They also talk about the creation of a guide for coming out to straight partners and spouses, and the need for support and understanding for both parties involved.TakeawaysThe coming out process can have a significant impact on straight spouses, who may feel betrayed, confused, and humiliated.Honesty and open communication are crucial in the coming out process, both for the LGBT spouse and the straight spouse.Straight spouses may have questions and need time to process the news, and it's important for the LGBT spouse to be patient and understanding.Creating a guide for coming out to straight partners and spouses can help avoid unnecessary pain and damage in the relationship.Support and empathy are essential for both parties involved in a mixed orientation marriage.Sound Bites"The hardest thing that took me the longest to forgive was not that he was gay, not that he was in the closet, but that he didn't let me go so that I could find a loving relationship with a man who was interested in me, loved me, desired me, wanted to have a robust sexual relationship with me.""If you're in a position to honor what your spouse would like, whether that's answering their questions or giving them no contact for a while, I think following their lead on that is wise.""Pride month can be really difficult for straight spouses. And that's not an indication of bigotry. Many straight spouses have LGBT kids and are fierce allies and defenders of their kids, right? But pride month can be really painful because then you ask yourself the question, well, if he's living his true self now, then I was a part of a lie."Chapters00:00 Introduction and Background01:09 Kristin's Experience as a Straight Spouse09:49 Resources for Straight Spouses14:11 The Coming Out Process and Its Impact28:46 Preparing to Come Out to a Straight Spouse31:31 Supporting the Straight Spouse35:42 Honesty and Accountability39:34 ConclusionInformation About Kristin Kalbli and OurPathOut Path Out Voice:  https://ourpath.org/our-voices/Guide to coming out as lesbian, gay or bisexual to your straight partner or spouse - by OurPath:  https://emfjjpdexyu.exactdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/OP-GuideToComingOutLGB-r1.pdfBook RecommendationThe Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families, by Amity Pierce Buxton - https://a.co/d/129LQiC  Podcast website and resources: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com  YouTube Edition:  https://youtu.be/vv20ZumingY  YouTube Channel:   https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvsthP9yClKI4o5LxbuQnOg  Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton:  https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com  Contact David:  mailto:david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Summary  Charles Vollmer, a successful California chef, shares his journey of coming out later in life and the challenges he faced. After being outed by his wife, he left his possessions behind and started a new life in San Miguel, Mexico. He is rebuilding his career as a culinary teacher and started sharing his story on social media. Charles discusses the unique challenges faced by men who come out later in life, the impact on their families, and the need for support and understanding. He emphasizes the importance of being true to oneself and finding a community of like-minded individuals.  Keywords:  coming out, late in life, challenges, rebuilding, support, community  TakeawaysComing out later in life can be a challenging and traumatic experience, but it can also lead to personal growth and happiness.The impact on family and relationships can be significant, and rebuilding trust and understanding takes time.Finding a supportive community and seeking professional help can be crucial in navigating the complexities of coming out later in life.Being true to oneself and embracing authenticity is essential for personal fulfillment and living a fulfilling life.  TitlesThe Importance of Support and UnderstandingRebuilding After Coming Out: Finding a New Path  Sound Bites"Divorcing, giving up my San Francisco Bay home of 30 years and everything in it, donating 99% of my clothing and personal belongings and selling my car. I left for Europe to begin my life over at 61."Chapters 00:00  Introduction: Charles Vollmer's Journey10:38  Starting Over: Rebuilding After Coming Out25:00  Reflections and Regrets: Lessons Learned30:59  Advice for Others: Taking Your Time and Finding Support  About Charles VollmarEpicurean Exchange Culinary Travel:   www.epexculinarytravel.comBlog:  www.epicureanglobalexchange.comFacebook, Threads, Instagram: All @ CharlesVollmarBook Recommendation: Gay Men and The New Way Forward, by Raymond L. Rigoglioso - https://a.co/d/1AROMMu  Podcast website and resources: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com  YouTube Edition:  https://youtu.be/SLJXxU-wUaw YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvsthP9yClKI4o5LxbuQnOg  Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton:  https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com  Contact me:  mailto:david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Dan Bolen - at age 70 he came out as gay, was kicked out of his church and ended his second marriage Summary Dan Bolen shares his journey of self-discovery and acceptance as a gay man after living a life of denial and fear. He discusses the challenges he faced in a restrictive religious community and the fear of losing his family and friends. Dan's story highlights the importance of being honest with oneself and embracing authenticity. He emphasizes the power of finding a supportive community and having a voice. Dan's memoir and podcast serve as a source of inspiration and empowerment for others on a similar journey. Takeaways Be honest with yourself and define who you are.Don't look for someone outside of you to define who you are.Finding a supportive community is crucial for self-acceptance.Having a voice and embracing authenticity are empowering.Chapters 00:00 Introduction and Background01:02 Realizing Difference and Fear of Rejection03:17 Burying and Denying One's True Self04:13 Marriage and Denial of Sexuality05:38 Disfellowshiped and Shunned by the Church07:30 Accepting Bisexuality as a Coping Mechanism08:55 Accepting and Embracing Authentic Self 10:07 Coming Out and the Lowest Point11:02 First Experience with a Man and Validation12:29 Divorce and Finding a New Community15:17 Defining Self and Having a Voice24:21 Being Honest with Yourself27:32 Advice for Those Questioning Their Sexuality29:06 Reflection and Impact Dan Bolen's Memoir: The Courage to be Courageous: https://a.co/d/6x7yl0r Dan Bolen's Website: https://danbolen.com/Book Recommendation: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown. https://a.co/d/ah7pXuT Podcast website and resources: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com YouTube Edition: https://youtu.be/Axp2j_lgVMM Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com Contact me: mailto:david@davidcottoncoaching.com

SummaryIn this episode David interviews Larry Best, a retired trial lawyer who came out 20 years into his marriage, now living a full life with his partner and husband of 20 years. Their conversation explores the coming out journey of Larry, who shares his unique story of coming out to his business partner and wife. Larry's decision to come out was driven by a combination of personal factors, including the need to be true to himself and the impact it was having on his mental health. The reactions from his business partner and wife varied, with his business partner making a joke and his wife experiencing a range of emotions. Larry's decision to get married was influenced by societal expectations and the belief that he could suppress his attraction to men. However, he eventually realized that he had been living a lie and needed to come out. The process of telling his wife and children was challenging, with mixed reactions from each family member. Larry and his wife initially tried to maintain a co-parenting relationship, but over time, their relationship deteriorated. Larry also faced challenges in his professional life, with some clients distancing themselves after learning about his sexual orientation. However, he eventually transitioned to a successful career as a plaintiff lawyer. Overall, Larry's story highlights the complexities and emotional impact of coming out and navigating relationships and careers. In this conversation, Larry shares his experience of coming out and how it changed his perception of the world. He discusses the importance of joining LGBTQ political and social organizations to connect with the community. Larry also talks about how he found his partner and offers advice for men who are at the beginning of the coming out process. He emphasizes the need for support and understanding for spouses and family members during this time.TakeawaysComing out is a deeply personal and complex journey, with each individual facing unique challenges and reactions from loved ones.The decision to get married while suppressing one's true sexual orientation can lead to internal conflict and a sense of living a lie.The process of coming out can have a significant emotional impact on spouses and children, with reactions ranging from relief to anger and despair.Supporting loved ones through the coming out process requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to be present and listen.Coming out can have professional implications, with potential challenges in maintaining client relationships and navigating workplace dynamics. Coming out can change one's perception of the world and the people in it.Joining LGBTQ political and social organizations can provide a social network and help in meeting like-minded individuals.Finding a partner after coming out can take time and patience.Support and understanding for spouses and family members are crucial during the coming out process.Chapters00:00 Introduction and Setting the Stage00:20 Unusual Coming Out Story02:27 Reactions from Business Partner and Wife03:31 Emotional Impact on Wife05:45 Supporting Wife Emotionally06:12 The Decision to Get Married08:04 Realization of Being Gay11:22 Fear of Coming Out18:26 Divorce and Financial Settlement24:45 Telling the Children29:44 Reflections on the Coming Out Process33:34 Impact on Business and Career41:15 Changing Perception44:10 Connecting with the LGBTQ Community45:53 Finding a Partner51:06 Advice for Men Coming Out57:09 Supporting Spouses and Family58:35 Understanding the Wife's Perspective59:04 Closing RemarksLarry Best's online memoir: https://medium.com/@laurencebestBook Recommendation: Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life, edited by Vinnie Kinsella. https://a.co/d/dh3N2yM Gay Fathers Worldwide: https://gayfathersworldwide.wordpress.com/ Podcast website and resources: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com YouTube Edition: https://youtu.be/uLCzcLsxCUoCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com Contact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Summary In this episode David interviews Rick Clemons, well-known as the host of the popular podcast “Life (UN)Closeted” as well as “40 Plus: Gay Men, Gay Talk.” He is a sought-after public speaker and a successful life coach. He is also the author of the book “Frankly My Dear I’m Gay: the late bloomers guide to coming out." Rick shares his journey of coming out and helping men come out of the closet. He discusses the challenges of living a dual life and the fear of disappointing loved ones. Rick emphasizes the importance of authenticity and unapologetically being oneself. He also addresses common threads among closeted men and the need to overcome limiting fears. Rick shares his plans for a new book and podcast, focusing on living an unapologetic life. The key takeaway is the power of embracing one's true identity and living authentically. TakeawaysEmbrace your true identity and live authentically.Overcome limiting fears and show the world who you really are.Living an unapologetic life is empowering and liberating.Common threads among closeted men include lack of sexual interest, depletion of intimacy in relationships, and co-dependency.Chapters 00:00 Introduction00:40 Rick's Life's Work01:34 Rick's Story: Coming Out03:00 The Influence of Religious Upbringing04:27 Living a Dual Life05:54 The Shift to Authenticity07:22 The Moment of Falling in Love09:14 Transactional Sex vs. Intimacy09:43 Coming Out to Spouse11:40 Co-Parenting and Balancing Relationships15:38 Common Threads in Closeted Men18:57 The Biggest Lie Closeted Men Tell Themselves20:22 Honesty and Authenticity in Conversations21:09 Living an Unapologetic Life 23:53 Future Plans: New Book and Podcast25:48 Message for Men Coming Out Later in Life27:18 Conclusion Rick Clemons: https://rickclemons.com/Book Recommendation: Frankly My Dear, I’m Gay: A Late Bloomers Guide to Coming Out - https://a.co/d/aD2vgKDPodcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com YouTube Edition: https://youtu.be/yL6RVDjZugsCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com

Shaun Williams - founder of Gay Fathers Worldwide and Bent Couch CounsellingSummary In this episode, David Cotton interviews licensed counselor Shaun Williams; he previously had successful career in construction when he came out as gay after 25 years of marriage. After coming out he changed his career to help others finding their true selves. Shaun shares his experiences growing up in the 80s, discovering his sexuality at a young age, and the weight of keeping his secret. He discusses the impact on his family and the challenges he faced in coming out. Shaun also talks about the creation of Gay Fathers Worldwide, a support group he formed for men who have come out later in life. He emphasizes the importance of finding a safe space and community for support and understanding.TakeawaysComing out later in life can be a lonely and isolating experience, but finding a safe space and community of others who have had similar experiences can provide support and reassurance.The weight of keeping a secret about one's sexuality can have a significant impact on mental health and well-being.The process of coming out can be challenging and may involve difficult conversations with family members and loved ones.Creating a support group or community for individuals who have come out later in life can provide a valuable resource for connection, understanding, and shared experiences.Chapters 00:00 Introduction00:48 Growing Up in the 80s02:16 Discovering His Sexuality03:16 Getting Married04:15 The Weight of the Secret05:12 Dealing with Guilt and Shame06:11 Living a Lie07:11 Finding Purpose in Helping Others09:06 Impact on Family11:30 Inspiration from Daughters12:56 Coming Out and Seeking Help13:53 The Process of Coming Out15:19 Creating Gay Fathers Worldwide19:11 Regrets and Lessons Learned23:20 Acceptance in the Gay Community26:27 Late-Life Coming Out Experience28:25 Creation of Gay Fathers Worldwide29:21 Common Experiences of Children31:48 New Life and Career36:41 Importance of Community37:37 Conclusion Bent Couch Counselling: https://www.bentcouch.com.au/Gay Fathers Worldwide: https://gayfathersworldwide.wordpress.com/Podcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com YouTube Edition: https://youtu.be/C7PJTAcmGT8Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com Contact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

William Brown is an author, a licensed professional counselor, and a man who knows firsthand what it’s like to come out later in life. At age forty he told his wife of 18 years, and his children… that he is gay. What he’s learned since—helped him create the definitive “how to” book for coming out later in life. Book Recommendation: Coming True: Seeking Truth in Self, Later In Life, by today's guest, William Brown. https://a.co/d/6cEM5Jj Video version of this episode: https://youtu.be/5y_GJsqzcXgPodcast website and for more resources about coming out LGBTQ+: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com Contact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

This epidsode released in honor of National Transgender Awareness Week 2023.Sara Abrams spent most of her life identifying as a man. While she never considered herself a member of the LGBTQ+ community, at age 57, she came out and transitioned from male to female, while remaining in a relationship with her female partner of 28 years. Book Recommendation: Trans Bodies, Trans Selves: A Resource by and for Transgender Communities https://a.co/d/98A3Ocy Podcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.com Contact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Dr. Loren Olson is a successful psychiatrist, and a husband and grandfather who came out at age 40 after 18 years of marriage. He is highly respected in his field, having presented extensive research on mature gay men to the World Congress in Psychiatry. An award-winning author… he’s most well-known for his book, “Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight.” Book Recommendation: Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight by Dr. Loren Olson https://a.co/d/hDUZ4FOOther Writings By Dr. Olson:No More Neckties: A Memoir in Essays https://a.co/d/96eUu8Whttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finally-out/202307/to-be-happy-think-like-an-old-personPodcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Marc Gravallese spent much of his life convincing himself that he couldn’t be gay, despite all evidence to the contrary. Married with four kids, he came out to his wife at age 40… and together they successfully redesigned their family. Today he believes that what most men really need… is a good hug. Book Recommendation: Our Family Outing: A Memoir of Coming Out and Coming Through - https://a.co/d/09DOavT Podcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Rand Bishop is a Grammy nominated songwriter, a musician, a singer, an author and a columnist. He’s neither straight, nor gay. At age 73, after three traditional marriages, he now identifies as bisexual. From his home in Oregon, Rand Bishop is here to share the joys, and challenges of being…bi.Book Recommendation: Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life - Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi, and Trans Men Who Came Out Later in LifeRand Bishop’s One Man Show: "Songs, Observations, and Confessions" - https://tinyurl.com/m9vmbt7Rand Bishop’s book: TREK: My Peace Pilgrimage in Search of a Kinder America - https://a.co/d/6XcfV7iamBI, a community for bi people, our partners, and allies: https://www.ambi.org/Amid ‘unicorn hunters’ and sterotypes, here’s how bisexual people are finding support - USA Today via amBi - https://www.ambi.org/pressblog/bisexual-community-helps-break-stereotypesGallup Poll: U.S. LGBT Identification Steady at 7.2%; over 58% of LGBT adults identify as bisexual - https://news.gallup.com/poll/470708/lgbt-identification-steady.aspxPodcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.comCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Rich Rumsey attended the University of Wyoming at the same time as Matthew Shepard, the gay student who was beaten and tragically left for dead near Laramie in 1998. It was a hate crime that shook him to his core. 20 years later…he would come to understand why, when he finally came out as gay to his own wife and children.Book Recommendation: David Christel’s book, “Married Men Coming Out: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming the Man You Were Born to Be.”Matthew Shepard: https://www.matthewshepard.orgPodcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.com Certified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: mailto:david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Dr. Ginger Campbell, host of podcast Graying Rainbows about coming out later in life LGBT, shares her personal story and insights from her guests. She was married for 38 years and came out at age 60. She also has hosted two other podcasts and is in the Podcaster Hall of Fame.Book Recommendation: Frankly My Dear I'm Gay: A Late Bloomers Guide To Coming Out - https://a.co/d/eTryXNj Podcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.comCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Ryan Redmond, successful business consultant and business owner, was married, not just once, but twice! After four children, and two divorces, he finally came out at age 49. He is now living with his partner in Salt Lake City.Book Recommendation: David Christel’s book, Married Men Coming Out: The Ultimate Guide to Becoming the Man You Were Born to Be - https://a.co/d/6F6jabVPodcast website: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.comCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com

Jonathan Wilson has seen the best of people and the worst. A long serving member of the Des Moines, Iowa, School Board and successful attorney, married with kids, he came out publically on live TV at age 50. When e tried to run for reelection he received death threats and feared for his life. Hear his story how Jonathan came to understand and accept his sexual orientation, the impact he made on others, how he handled the threats of violence towards his family, and how he turned his life experience into a force for good to help others of all generations.Book Recommendation: Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straigh by Dr. Loren Olson - https://a.co/d/4GOJxUvFIrst Friday Breakfast Club: https://www.ffbciowa.orgThe Saggy Baggy Elephant: https://a.co/d/dciIDD5Contact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com: https://www.OutLateWithDavid.comCertified Professional Life Coach, David Cotton: https://www.DavidCottonCoaching.comContact me: david@davidcottoncoaching.com