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Sweet Valley Hive is the hottest new book club to hit the school! Join us (Robert Marx, newbie and Rebecca Pardo, superfan) as we neurotically parse the text, subtext, and outfits of Sweet Valley High, the beloved soapy series of the 80s. From school dances to amnesia to hysterical paralysis, we’ll cover the trials and tribulations of America’s most troubled and triumphant twins.
105 Episodes
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This week, Todd is minding his business, shooting basketball….s, when a shadowy figure from his past returns and threatens everything Todd holds dear. Kevin (whom we DON’T need to talk about) charms Todd’s family and friends and frames him for a string of muggings, leaving Todd feeling gaslit and us wondering “Was this earned?” Meanwhile, we ponder how many good summers we have left, stumble upon an accidental celebrity encounter, and fantasize about Mrs. Wilkins’ fettuccine Alfredo, in “A Boy Stealer is a Boy Stealer” (Sweet Valley High Super Star 5, Todd’s Story).
This week, Liz resists fascist censorship to force a necessary discussion of sexual harassment at Sweet Valley High. The surprisingly rich text touches both our hosts, drawing tears and stories of our own high school free speech crusades. Join us for a discussion of plain-looking girls (they’re smarter than you think), zines (they’re like renegade newspapers!), and the power of feminine rage, in “We Need a Hotline!” (Sweet Valley High #87, My Best Friend’s Boyfriend).
This week, it’s a battle of the sexes in Sweet Valley when resident rich jerk Bruce—in a transparent bid for more screen time—creates a mysterious, exclusive, boys-only club that is wreaking havoc on the school with their pranks. Naturally Jessica challenges Bruce and his patent Title IX violation, starting a dangerous dare-war and a (devastatingly timely) conversation about sexual politics at Sweet Valley High.Will Jessica smash the glass ceiling and prove a point about equality? Or will Bruce’s final prank smash Jessica flat on the train tracks??? Join us for a discussion of the incoherence of gender categories, the semiotics of menthols, and whether we’d rather be happy or right, in “Can Anything a Boy Can Do, Can a Girl Be Doing It?” (Sweet Valley High 86, Jessica Against Bruce).
This week, we have a departure from form as we attempt to recreate an episode we already recorded that was accidentally deleted by our very very very handsome main character figure.Meanwhile, Jess and Liz have scored coveted roles on a soap opera! While Jess gets caught up in the Hollywood life and an inappropriately aged suitor, Liz is inspired to conduct an ethnography of television production (boring!) Join us for a discussion of meaty plots, blood sacrifice, and the inherent nobility of below-the-line workers, in “3-2-1 Zoop” (Sweet Valley High #85, Soap Star).
This week, a stolen diary causes a modicum of drama in Sweet Valley and a near nervous breakdown for Pardo, who finds the disconnect between the book’s title, cover, taglines, and plot unmooring and highly stressful. Robert, on the other hand, loves the book and has come prepared with “textual reasons” to back it up. Join us for a discussion of stalkers, Sherlock Holmes,and the simple pleasures of being 16, blonde, and beautiful in “It’s a Rork-Shrack” (Sweet Valley High #84, The Stolen Diary).
This week, we have a study in the terror of the domestic. When her mom gets transferred to London for a new job, it seems Cara’s only option is to elope with her corpse boyfriend Steven. But as the date grows nearer, Cara becomes acquainted with the grim realities of what the performative act of marriage entails: negligee, whiny children, and—the most horrific of all—gay husbands. Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert discuss Sylvia Plath, color theory, and Hungry Man dinners in “Not Everything’s Great in Paradise” (Sweet Valley High #83, Steven’s Bride).
This week’s text tackles the subject of High Art vs. Commerce, with Olivia (for reasons never explained) forced to choose between a life of responsibility—severe buns, suits, and working at a department store–and an artist’s life—onion-smelling loft apartments, funky hairdos, and drinking tea. These choices are represented by her two love interests, a retail nepo baby who only talks about veal medallions and country clubs, and a starving artist who hangs out at grotty coffee shops with mean waitresses and doesn’t even notice when his sneakers are soggy.Meanwhile, Pardo and Robert reflect on the formative film “Six Degrees of Separation,” the timeliness of after-dinner mints, and the art of being a Traitor in “Art Imitating Life Imitating Sweatshirt” (Sweet Valley High Super Star: Olivia’s Story).
This week, Jessica gets involved with a group called the Good Friends, a local commune that is run by the incredibly hot Adam Marvel and is very clearly a cult. Meanwhile, Robert and Becky discuss performative sexy depression, reminisce fondly on their own brushes with cults, and scroll the rolodex of cult documentaries that have shaped their lives in “Gaslight, Gatekeep, Cultboss” (Sweet Valley High #82, Kidnapped by the Cult!).
This week, we have some nuanced discussion of ethno-racial identity and some even more nuanced discussion of ejaculate-guzzling (and that’s just linguistics).Chicana student Rose (nee Rosa) wants to join the PBA sorority to prove that she can fit in with the other thin, rich, beautiful girls in Sweet Valley. Rosa is white-passing and believes she has to hide aspects of her Mexican identity and heritage in order to be accepted. But how will she navigate her “friends'’’ racism, her grandmother’s surprise visit, and (we all saw it coming) a baby trapped in a well who only speaks Spanish? Join us as we explore meaningful cakes, take on colorblind racism, and belabor each moment of a joke Robert’s terrible ex-boyfriend made 20 years ago in “Unproblematic King Michael Jackson” (Sweet Valley High #81, Rosa’s Lie).
Note: We had some audio issues this week which will be fixed in the next episode. Thank you for your patience! This week, we have a book that is ostensibly about a romantic rivalry between two boys (“they”) over the affections of a girl, but is actually about a homoerotic relationship between two boys who really, really, love their dirt bikes. Outside of Sweet Valley, there’s a new character storming onto the scene: Pardo’s new Owala water bottle, whose colorway provides a narrative with twists, turns, and shocks. Join us for a discussion of headless influencers, the definition of modern (just kidding), and the importance of dirt bike safety, in “Who They? What Both? Girl?” (Sweet Valley High #80, The Girl They Both Loved).
*Note: Due to circumstances that are definitely nobody’s fault, the audio is a little messed up for this episode. Don’t worry, we fix it soon (the episode after next). This week, there’s a new girl in town, and she has a brother (who is neither long nor lost)! But her story is so uncompelling that Robert and Pardo spend most of the episode distinguishing between Brandies (Glanville and Melville), debunking vocabulary hoaxes, and playing pool games. Listen till the end for a special addendum that mostly focuses on aching breasts and perimenopause! Join us for “Fuck, Marry, Kill: Chicken Salad Temperatures” (Sweet Valley High #79, The Long-Lost Brother).
This week, (previously former second-string) quarterback Scott Trost can’t get a date, so he does what any sixteen year-old boy would do: writes identical love letters to two girls he doesn’t know and then gets them to compete in a Bachelor-style contest for his attention. Robert and Pardo get into a heated debate about the book’s perspective and the culture at large, made more fraught by the frankly unhealthy amount of Love Island Pardo has been watching. Join us for an in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity, along with equally important topics like Robert’s handsomeness and the dangers of prescriptive grammar, in “A Run-of-the-Mill Humiliation Ritual”(Sweet Valley High #78, The Dating Game).
This week, a doping scandal hits Sweet Valley when a character we don’t care about starts taking “magic vitamins” to help his track performance. As Tony becomes roidier and roidier, Robert and Pardo get into a Talmudic debate regarding whether he actually fits the legal requirements to be guilty of the crime. Join us as we discuss basil clapping, task management software, and what happens when you have mens rea at the same time as menarche, in “Teens and Anabolic Steroid Use” (Sweet Valley High #77, Cheating to Win).
This week, it’s sister vs. sister ( 🎵ow OW OW!! 🎶) when the Miss Teen Sweet Valley pageant comes to town. Jess has entered the pageant and is working her little tuchus off with dance teacher Mr. Krazinsky—who is, sorry, absolutely serving shtetl vibes. Meanwhile, Liz is staging a feminist protest to preserve a little thing called the dignity of Sweet Valley womanhood. Meanwhile, Robert and Pardo learn some valuable lessons: how hard it is to answer pageant questions, why you must always finish the dance, and that it’s not about whether you win or lose—it’s about how big your tits are! Join us as we discuss touch typing, choice feminism, and frog-jumping in “Quick Ask Zoe” (Sweet Valley High #76, Miss Teen Sweet Valley).
GAY! GAY? GAY. G-G-GAAAAAAYYYYY! 🎶 We’ve got our first named gay character/ We’ve got the most important book of our lives/ Did I cry this morning/ Absolutely I did!/ I cried reading about gay teenagers! 🎶 This week, the arrival of a handsome stranger from SAN FRANCISCO (no homo…er, yes homo) sends shockwaves through both Sweet Valley and our world. Along the way we touch on Tim Horton’s sexuality, Robert’s coming out story, and why being a homosexual teenager involves so many pamphlets—and tennis rackets!—in “He Wore a Rainbow Bracelet” (Sweet Valley High #75, Amy’s True Love).
*Content warning: eating disorders*Well, apparently President Bill Clinton has recently put out a PSA about eating disorders, so we have another book about the importance of getting skinny, this time with an important clarification: don’t get too skinny! You could faint or something!In the B-plot, the cheerleaders are once again tasked with the inequitable burden of athletics department fundraising. When they come up with the ingenious idea of a “Gourmet Gorge Yourself Gala,” everyone has one question on their mind: will weakened Robin Wilson have the strength to open the cans (??) of chocolate syrup?Along the way, we revisit historic moments from some iconic leading ladies: Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard, Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City, and Rebecca Pardo in Woman vs. Haribos. Join us for “A Dangerous Diet…” (Sweet Valley High #74, The Perfect Girl).
It’s a party this week as Robert and Pardo are physically co-present for only the second time in hive history! To celebrate, we experiment with the form, playing a deceptively straightforward drinking game that descends into chaos almost immediately. In Sweet Valley, a new addictive drug has hit the streets: photography. When Liz inherits her beloved dead friend Regina’s camera, she almost immediately stumbles upon evidence that implicates her in an international drug ring. Is there something mystical at work here? Is Regina leading Liz on this quest from beyond the grave? Will Robert get any pasta salad? Find out in “Guess What’s Got Me This Smiling?” (Sweet Valley High #73, Regina’s Legacy).
This week, there’s a new girl in town and she’s shrouded in mystery: is she the live-in girlfriend of a man old enough to be her father, or is she the live-in daughter of a man old enough to be her father? Oh, and not for nothing: the man is a ROCK STAR!Join us for a discussion of marimbas, angel hair pasta in the 90s, and—despite Robert’s adamant protestations—shrinkage, in “Is She His Girlfriend or Is She His Daughter?” (Sweet Valley High #72, Rock Star’s Girl).
This week, the demotic turn has hit Sweet Valley as we take a decidedly modern look at reality television.Jessica is auditioning to appear on a national talk show, Lila is recruiting (shirtless, droplet-covered) Bruce to plot against her, and Liz is trying to deal with the most difficult question every young person must answer: am I a writer...or a ranger?Join us for a good old-fashioned twin switch and a robust discussion of ordinary people and the media (a topic that Pardo is, unfortunately, smart about), in ”Staring Jessica” (Sweet Valley High #71, Starring Jessica).
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in Sweet Valley, and the ghost of boyfriends past (ahem…Jeffrey French) and terrible dads have come to teach Enid a thing or two about love, family, and marijuana. We also learn about the shocking power of Christmas cookies, the warning signs for parental manipulation, and the chokehold that mistletoe had on Sweet Valley teens in the 80s in “Books Are Mother” (Sweet Valley Super Star, Enid’s Story).
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