Able to Care

Why can one child cope with a difficult situation while another becomes completely overwhelmed? And why does telling a distressed child to “calm down” so rarely help? In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Victoria Willis, Teaching Assistant, wellbeing practitioner and founder of The Calm Coach, about nervous-system regulation, emotional wellbeing and understanding what is happening underneath children’s behaviour. Victoria explains the window of tolerance, why regulation is something we build before a crisis rather than during one, and what happens to a child’s ability to think and listen when they move into fight, flight or shutdown. Andy and Victoria also explore co-regulation, crying, meltdowns and why the emotional state of parents, teachers and caregivers matters just as much as the strategies we use with children. For parents, teachers, foster carers and anyone supporting children with big emotions, this episode offers a practical shift from “How do I stop this behaviour?” to “What does this child’s nervous system need from me right now?” Three Key Messages 1. Regulation is a skill, not an instruction. Telling someone to calm down does not teach them how. Emotional regulation develops through repeated experiences of safety, connection and practice. 2. Connection comes before correction. When a child is overwhelmed, their ability to process reasoning and instructions is reduced. Helping them feel safe comes before trying to teach or redirect behaviour. 3. The adult’s nervous system matters too. Children often borrow calm from the adults around them. A dysregulated adult trying to regulate a dysregulated child can unintentionally escalate the situation. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Support children who experience meltdowns or shutdowns Regularly find yourself saying “calm down” Want to understand the window of tolerance Work with children affected by anxiety, stress or trauma Support children who appear defiant when overwhelmed Want practical alternatives to punishment or confrontation Are a teacher who feels emotionally stretched in the classroom Are a parent or caregiver trying to stay calm while your child is struggling This conversation is especially useful if you have ever wondered: “They know how to behave - so why can’t they do it right now?” Sometimes the answer is not unwillingness. It is that their nervous system has temporarily moved beyond their capacity to cope. Chapters 00:00 - What does nervous-system regulation actually mean? Why regulation is something we practise before a crisis. 01:44 - Understanding the window of tolerance Why different people have different capacities for stress. 03:33 - Why the same situation overwhelms one child but not another 05:22 - Why telling a child to “calm down” doesn’t work Fight, flight and why reasoning can temporarily go offline. 06:00 - Connect before you redirect Using presence and safety without abandoning boundaries. 08:50 - Why Victoria believes nervous-system education is missing from schools 10:20 - Why adults need regulation skills too Children are not the only people who become overwhelmed. 12:00 - Anxiety, stress and children’s emotional wellbeing 14:05 - Has childhood become more stressful? Modern life, screens, reduced freedom and overwhelmed adults. 16:16 - Movement, screens and processing stress 18:44 - What happens inside the body during a meltdown? Cortisol, adrenaline and the fight-or-flight response. 19:54 - Why we shouldn’t rush to stop children crying 20:28 - When a child’s distress makes the adult uncomfortable Why we sometimes try to remove emotions rather than helping children experience them safely. 22:09 - Learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions 23:10 - Tantrum, meltdown or defiance? Why curiosity and connection still matter whichever label we use. 24:47 - What if the adult is becoming dysregulated too? Stepping away safely, narrating what you are doing and modelling regulation. 25:47 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned The Calm Coach The Calm Coach provides nervous-system education and emotional-regulation programmes for children, school staff, parents and carers. Website: https://www.calm-coach.com Victoria’s school programmes are designed to be accessible to UK schools free of charge and include practical, experiential regulation tools that can be incorporated into the school day. Parents and Carers Programme The Calm Coach also provides a programme for parents and caregivers who want to better understand their own nervous systems and support children experiencing anxiety, overwhelm and emotional dysregulation. Follow Victoria Willis LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/the-calm-coach/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_thecalmcoach/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thecalmcoach_ Email: [email protected] About Victoria Willis Victoria Willis is a Teaching Assistant, wellbeing practitioner, mum of two teenagers and founder of The Calm Coach. She has spent nearly a decade working in education alongside running her own wellbeing practice. Her interest in nervous-system regulation grew from seeing similar patterns of stress, overwhelm and emotional dysregulation in both children and adults. Victoria is trained in Craniosacral Therapy, Reflexology and Yoga Nidra and combines body-based approaches with psychology, education and practical emotional-regulation strategies. Her goal is to make nervous-system education something children learn and practise while growing up, rather than something they only discover later when they are already struggling. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring co-regulation, practical one-minute regulation tools, supporting neurodivergent children, why adults need to model the skills they want children to develop and what to do when you lose your calm.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Dr Kellyn Lee, the discussion moves from everyday objects into a much bigger question: what does good dementia care actually look like? Kellyn challenges the belief that carers must constantly look busy, explaining why simply sitting with someone, listening and being genuinely present can be some of the most valuable work a caregiver does. Andy and Kellyn then explore risk aversion in care homes, including everyday possessions such as hairdryers, creams, toiletries and curling tongs. They discuss how removing objects to prevent one possible risk can unintentionally create greater distress, dependence and restrictions. The conversation connects Material Citizenship with the Mental Capacity Act, human rights, least restrictive practice and positive risk-taking, showing how seemingly small decisions can have profound effects on dignity and wellbeing. For professional carers, managers, family caregivers and anyone supporting someone living with dementia, this episode offers a practical challenge: rather than asking only “How do we keep this person safe?”, should we also be asking “What are we preventing them from living?” Three Key Messages 1. Presence is work. Listening, sitting alongside someone and making them feel seen and heard can be some of the most important dementia care you provide. 2. Removing every possible risk creates risks of its own. Over-protection can reduce independence, identity, confidence, movement and emotional wellbeing. 3. Human rights become meaningful through everyday practice. Allowing someone access to their belongings, routines and choices can be a practical expression of dignity, citizenship and least restrictive care. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Work in a care home or dementia service Are responsible for risk assessments or restrictive practice Want to understand positive risk-taking Find it difficult to balance safety against independence Support someone whose belongings have been removed “for their own safety” Want to apply the Mental Capacity Act more meaningfully Manage or train care staff Want practical ways to make human rights relevant to everyday dementia care Believe carers should have more permission to simply connect with the people they support This episode challenges the idea that good care can be measured purely by how many tasks have been completed. Sometimes the most valuable outcome is simply that someone feels like they matter. Chapters 00:00 - Being present is real care Why sitting with someone and having a conversation can be valuable work. 00:31 - People living with dementia still need to feel seen and heard 01:20 - Why care work became so task-focused The pressure to always appear busy. 03:03 - When a walk around the lake is treated as “not working” How organisational culture can discourage connection. 04:42 - What happens when carers are given time to listen The small things people reveal when someone is genuinely present. 06:28 - Why are care homes so risk-averse? Fear, blame and responsibility. 09:05 - Changing practice through Material Citizenship Why experiential learning can shift staff attitudes. 09:46 - Moving beyond tick-box e-learning Training as reflection, conversation and personal growth. 11:17 - Blanket restrictions and unintended consequences When one incident leads to everyone losing access to everyday items. 12:31 - Using evidence to support positive risk-taking Why staff need a framework and language to justify good decisions. 15:30 - Material Citizenship and human rights Making abstract rights practical through everyday objects. 17:48 - Restrictive practice and the urge to leave Why wanting to leave an unfamiliar environment can be completely understandable. 18:40 - The Mental Capacity Act in everyday practice Choice, possessions and least restrictive support. 21:20 - Toiletries, hair products and unnecessary restrictions When attempts to reduce risk actually create more danger. 23:05 - What families can do this week Pay attention to the small, mundane things. 24:46 - The Material Citizenship animations for families and care homes 26:21 - How well do we really know the people we love? Why families may be surprised by which possessions matter most. 27:45 - Where to find Kellyn’s resources 28:11 - Material Citizenship training and accreditation Resources Mentioned Dr Kellyn Lee Website: https://www.drkellyn.co.uk/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-kellyn-lee-ph-d-cpsychol-52668846/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkellyn_dementia/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_kellyn?lang=en-GB Material Citizenship Kellyn’s evidence-based approach helps care organisations examine how everyday possessions, routines and environments influence: Emotional wellbeing Identity Independence Psychological safety Positive risk-taking Human rights Least restrictive care Material Citizenship Training and Accreditation Kellyn discusses the development of the next stage of Material Citizenship, combining training with implementation support, ongoing coaching and accreditation for care organisations embedding the model into everyday practice. Ask Dr Kellyn Dementia Videos Kellyn recommends two short animations explaining the importance of everyday objects when someone moves into care. Search YouTube for Ask Dr Kellyn dementia videos. Anticipatory Grief Webinar Kellyn also has an upcoming webinar exploring anticipatory grief for those affected by dementia. Check her website and social channels for current dates and registration details. A Simple Question for Families If someone you love may eventually move into care, spend some time noticing: What are they doing - and what are they doing it with? It might be: A particular mug Keys carried in a pocket A favourite moisturiser Their own cutlery Curling tongs or hairbrush A shoehorn A specific water bottle A handkerchief kept up a sleeve As Kellyn explains, pay attention to the stuff that does not seem to matter - because that can be the stuff that matters most. About Dr Kellyn Lee Dr Kellyn Lee is a Chartered Psychologist, Psychotherapeutic Therapist and dementia-care specialist. She is the creator of Material Citizenship and founder of The Dementia Care Hub, bringing together research and practical dementia-care approaches to support people living with dementia, families and professional caregivers. Her work focuses particularly on identity, emotional wellbeing, transitions into care, positive risk-taking and ensuring dementia care adapts around the person rather than unnecessarily restricting their life. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this conversation makes you think differently about everyday objects, risk or what “good care” looks like, share it with a family caregiver, care-home manager or colleague who could put these ideas into practice.

What if one of the most powerful tools in dementia care is something as ordinary as a favourite mug, a set of keys or the ability to wash up your own cup? In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Chartered Psychologist and dementia specialist Dr Kellyn Lee about Material Citizenship - an evidence-based approach that looks at how everyday objects, routines and possessions help people living with dementia maintain identity, dignity, agency and a sense of belonging. Kellyn explains why families and care professionals can unintentionally remove meaningful parts of someone’s life when trying to help, and why the things we dismiss as mundane may actually be some of the most important. The conversation explores moving into a care home, psychological safety, meaningful activity, over-stimulation and why people living with dementia do not need to be constantly entertained. For professional caregivers, family carers and anyone supporting someone living with dementia, this episode offers a practical way to think differently about person-centred dementia care, meaningful activity and maintaining independence. Three Key Messages 1. Pay attention to the ordinary things. The mug someone uses every morning, their hair products, keys or favourite utensils may be far more important to their sense of self than we realise. 2. Behaviour can be a reasonable response to the environment. If someone is searching other bedrooms for their belongings, perhaps the question is not “What symptom of dementia is this?” but “What are they trying to find?” 3. Meaning does not require entertainment. Washing a cup, helping with cleaning, raking leaves or completing familiar everyday tasks can provide purpose, competence and emotional wellbeing. Why Listen to This Episode? Listen if you: Support someone moving into a care home Work in dementia or residential care Want to make dementia care more genuinely person-centred Struggle to know which possessions matter when someone moves Want alternatives to constantly organising activities and entertainment Support someone experiencing distress in an unfamiliar environment Want to maintain independence, routine and identity for longer Are a family caregiver wondering how to make a care environment feel more like home One of the biggest takeaways is simple: do not only ask what someone treasures - notice what they actually use. Chapters 00:00 - What is Material Citizenship? Kellyn explains the concept through everyday objects and routines. 00:34 - Why your favourite mug matters more than you think How ordinary possessions help our lives run smoothly. 04:30 - When removing an object creates greater risk The potential chain from not using a familiar cup to dehydration, illness and distress. 06:41 - Where Material Citizenship came from Kellyn’s research into risk enablement and dementia care. 08:55 - The flask of tea that changed a relationship How one simple object enabled a mother to become the host again. 13:40 - Dementia is cognitive, but the experience is emotional Why familiar routines and possessions support psychological safety. 16:11 - Is it dementia, or a reasonable response? Rethinking behaviours such as searching other rooms for belongings. 18:28 - What should families pack for a care-home move? Why observing everyday routines can reveal what really matters. 21:09 - “You don’t need that - we already have one” How care environments can unintentionally remove identity and choice. 24:48 - Do people with dementia need constant activities? Why entertainment can sometimes increase stimulation rather than wellbeing. 27:25 - Meaningful work, chores and purpose Cleaning, ironing, maintenance and other everyday activities. 30:43 - The invisible boundaries inside care homes How well-meaning staff can unintentionally stop independence. 33:09 - Why caring has become associated with being busy 34:36 - Sitting with someone is still care 35:34 - End of Part 1 Resources Mentioned Dr Kellyn Lee Kellyn is a Chartered Psychologist and Psychotherapeutic Therapist specialising in dementia care for people living with dementia, family carers and professional caregivers. Website: https://www.drkellyn.co.uk/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-kellyn-lee-ph-d-cpsychol-52668846/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkellyn_dementia/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dr_kellyn?lang=en-GB Material Citizenship Material Citizenship is Kellyn’s evidence-based framework for supporting people living with dementia to retain: Identity Agency Dignity Familiar routines Meaningful roles Access to everyday possessions The approach is used within care homes, day services and dementia support. Ask Dr Kellyn Dementia Videos Kellyn mentions two short YouTube animations explaining Material Citizenship - one aimed at families and one focused on care homes. Search YouTube for Ask Dr Kellyn dementia videos. Upcoming Material Citizenship Book Kellyn is also writing a book exploring Material Citizenship and its development through her research and dementia-care practice. About Dr Kellyn Lee Dr Kellyn Lee is a Chartered Psychologist and Psychotherapeutic Therapist with more than 15 years’ experience in dementia research and applied practice. She has worked with institutions including the University of Southampton, London School of Economics, University of Oxford and University of Portsmouth. Kellyn created Material Citizenship and is founder of The Dementia Care Hub, a whole-system approach designed to improve transitions into care, reduce distress, strengthen family relationships and support connected, person-centred dementia care. She also delivers training, consultancy and education to organisations and families supporting people living with dementia. Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, exploring why presence is real care, how risk aversion can restrict people unnecessarily and how everyday objects can turn human rights into practical dementia care.

In Part 2 of Andy Baker’s conversation with Jayne Sibley, the discussion moves from recognising financial vulnerability to practical ways families can respond. Jayne explains how Sibstar was created to solve the problem she faced while supporting her own parents - how to allow someone to continue shopping, visiting the hairdresser, buying a coffee or choosing their own Christmas presents without exposing their full bank balance to fraud, overspending or exploitation. The conversation explores practical safeguards such as spending limits, restricting cash withdrawals or online purchases, real-time notifications and monitoring unusual spending. Andy and Jayne also discuss the wider need for financial services to better support adults who may be vulnerable while still recognising their right to independence. Jayne also shares her experience of taking Sibstar onto BBC’s Dragons’ Den, where the business secured investment from Deborah Meaden and Sara Davies. Three key messages 1. Financial independence and financial safety can coexist. Someone may still be perfectly capable of making everyday purchases even if they need support around higher-risk financial decisions. 2. Prevention is better than trying to recover lost money. Simple safeguards can reduce risk before fraud or overspending creates serious harm. 3. Take one step at a time. Families do not need to solve everything immediately. Recognising the risk and starting a conversation may be the most important first step. Why listen to this episode? Listen if you: Want to protect someone from scams without taking away independence Support someone with dementia, learning disability or mental health needs Are concerned about impulse spending Support someone in recovery from addiction Are worried about an adult child managing money independently Want alternatives before completely taking control of someone’s finances Are considering Lasting Power of Attorney Want practical financial safeguarding ideas for a loved one This episode offers a more balanced way of thinking about financial support - not “Can they manage money or not?”, but “What can they still manage safely, and where do they need support?” Chapters 00:00 - What problem was Sibstar designed to solve? 00:16 - Creating safer everyday spending Allowing someone to spend without exposing their main bank account. 02:31 - Spending limits, cash withdrawals and online purchases 03:17 - Keeping normal routines and independence Shopping, coffee, haircuts and everyday choices. 05:08 - Designing Sibstar with the people who use it 06:45 - How spending notifications can help families 08:16 - Preventing financial harm before it happens 08:44 - Financial vulnerability beyond dementia Learning disability, mental health and addiction recovery. 10:44 - Normalising financial support 11:39 - What banks and financial services could do better 14:06 - What happens when children’s banking support ends at 18? 15:48 - Why Jayne believed the solution needed to exist 16:24 - Taking Sibstar onto Dragons’ Den 18:49 - Deborah Meaden and Sara Davies invest 20:24 - The impact of serious financial fraud 22:10 - What families can do this week 24:13 - “If I bring up money, I’ll upset them” 26:07 - Lasting Power of Attorney and other options 29:38 - What’s next for Sibstar? 30:46 - How to find Sibstar and get support Resources mentioned Sibstar A debit card and app that enables vulnerable adults to spend safely while helping protect against fraud and overspending. Website: https://www.sibstar.co.uk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sibstar_card/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jayne-sibley-24ab1444/ Email: [email protected] Jayne and Sibstar have featured on BBC’s Dragons’ Den, and Jayne’s onboarding information also highlights media work around financial inclusion and dementia.  About Jayne Sibley Jayne Sibley is the Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar, a female founder in fintech and a family carer with lived experience. Her work centres on one question many families eventually face: How do I keep someone financially safe without unnecessarily taking away their independence? Her experience began with dementia, but her work now supports the broader conversation around financial vulnerability for people with learning disabilities, mental health conditions and those in recovery from addiction.  Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast If this episode makes you think of someone who may be becoming financially vulnerable, share it with them or their family before a crisis forces the conversation.

Money can become one of the most difficult areas for families to navigate when someone they love becomes more vulnerable. In Part 1, Andy Baker speaks with Jayne Sibley, Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar, about the early signs that someone may be struggling to manage money safely, including repeated purchases, unusual cash withdrawals, overspending and increased vulnerability to scams. Drawing on her lived experience supporting both of her parents with dementia, Jayne explores how families can start difficult conversations about money without creating shame, embarrassment or a sense of being controlled. Andy and Jayne also discuss the difficult balance between financial safeguarding, dignity, choice and independence. Although Jayne’s own journey began with dementia, the same challenges can affect families supporting someone with a learning disability, mental health condition or someone in recovery from addiction.  Three key messages 1. Notice changes early. Repeated purchases, unusual withdrawals or changes in normal spending habits may be early signs that someone needs additional support. 2. Talk before there is a crisis. A calm conversation about scams and financial safety is much easier than trying to intervene after money has already been lost. 3. Safeguarding should not automatically mean taking over. The aim should be to keep someone safe while preserving as much independence, choice and dignity as possible. Why listen to this episode? This episode is particularly useful if you: Support someone living with dementia Are worried about an ageing parent’s spending Have noticed unusual purchases or cash withdrawals Are concerned about scams or financial exploitation Support an adult with a learning disability or mental health condition Find conversations about money uncomfortable Want to understand when it may be time to step in For family caregivers especially, this episode tackles the uncomfortable transition where you may begin to feel responsible for protecting someone who has always been independent. Chapters 00:00 - Early signs that money may be becoming a problem Repeat purchases, unusual withdrawals and changes in understanding money. 01:58 - How dementia can affect everyday financial decisions Memory, impulsivity and spending without recognising the consequences. 03:36 - How to talk to a parent about money Starting with support rather than accusation. 05:17 - Choosing the right moment Why calm conversations work better than reacting after something has gone wrong. 06:17 - Why you shouldn’t wait for a crisis Starting the conversation sooner rather than later. 07:20 - Jayne’s experience supporting her parents The real-life challenges that led to Sibstar. 09:21 - Independence versus safeguarding How do we protect someone without simply taking control? 12:56 - Scams and financial vulnerability Why modern fraud is becoming increasingly sophisticated. 13:49 - Financial vulnerability beyond dementia Learning disability, mental health and addiction recovery. 15:31 - Romance fraud, investment scams and exploitation 17:08 - The emotional impact of being scammed Embarrassment, shame and loss of confidence. 19:08 - When is it time to step in? 20:40 - The question that guided Jayne: “Is my mum safe?” 21:11 - End of Part 1 Resources mentioned Sibstar Sibstar is a debit card and app designed to help vulnerable adults spend safely while protecting against fraud and overspending. Website: https://www.sibstar.co.uk Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sibstar_card/ LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jayne-sibley-24ab1444/ Jayne has also appeared on Dragons’ Den and has featured in media discussing financial inclusion and dementia.  About Jayne Sibley Jayne Sibley is the Co-founder and CEO of Sibstar and a family carer with lived experience. She created Sibstar after years of helping both of her parents, who live with dementia, manage their money. Unable to find a simple way to keep them financially safe while protecting their independence, Jayne decided to build one herself. Today, she advocates for protecting vulnerable adults without unnecessarily removing their independence and for widening the conversation about financial vulnerability beyond dementia.  Follow Able to Care Podcast: https://able-training.co.uk/podcast LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/able-training-ltd-/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/AbleTraining TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@abletocarepodcast YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@abletocarepodcast Part 2 continues next Tuesday, looking at practical ways to create safer spending, how Sibstar works and what families can do before financial vulnerability becomes a crisis.