The Turned-On Couple Podcast

A client told me she was doing a “Marie Kondo” on her closet, ridding herself of anything that no longer gave her ‘joy’. We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner that included a nagging resistance to being touched.Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil, and she’d shut down.This didn’t stop her from having a sex life, but it did prevent her from looking forward to sex and enjoying it! After a few coaching sessions, she was ready to see her touch aversion for what it was - a belief system that no longer serves her. I suggested she view her beliefs much like the old sweaters she was throwing out and do a Marie Kondo on her sexual beliefs.She could hold them up one at a time and ask, “Does this belief spark joy?” This isn’t as easy as throwing out an old sweater, but it poses the same simple question. It became clear to her that she (and her body) believed receiving touch was not joyful. She packed up those beliefs and did the work of replacing them with beliefs that serve her.I reminded her of Marie’s very important step before letting something go, which is to first thank the belief for the place it held in your life and the purpose it served at the time. When we form beliefs about sex, we’re usually pretty young. Our early life experiences often imprint themselves strongly in our brain. Everything is new, we’re inexperienced, and we’re easily influenced in our attitudes . We form judgments and develop fears that can stay with us for a lifetime. That is, unless we hold them up to the light of scrutiny and ask ourselves Marie’s question, Does this belief system spark joy?Our most troubling and constricting beliefs could have protected us from hurt in the past. Our judgments and fears may have actually kept us safe at one point in time! But if those beliefs no longer reflect who you are today and no longer protect you from a threat, then you have the choice to replace old beliefs with new ones.So, rather than shoving your antiquated beliefs in a box of shame and regret, you can hold them up to the light and give them a final look. Ask yourself: What are my antiquated sexual beliefs? Is it time to open the closet door and update what’s inside?( Are core negative beliefs informing your thoughts and actions today? We now understand more about our brains than ever before, of course. We know that our brains are not static and unchangeable, in fact, they are capable of immense change. If you want to understand more about how to clear core negative beliefs and replace them with affirming, supportive beliefs, reach out.) As with all of my chapters in The Turned-On Couple, use this article to start a conversation with your partner about core negative beliefs you both may have formed over the years. You get your own copy of The Turned-On Couple for your bedside table. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Our culture is in a multi-decade ‘sexual revolution’ that began in the 1960s, but we’re far from being free from the deeply ingrained programming that sex is still a fundamentally shameful topic of conversation; beliefs persist that we unwittingly inherited from our parents (and their parents and their parents).You might not identify with having sexual shame. Perhaps you’re quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising.You support honest and truthful sex education and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. However, the shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs.Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestors’ sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients. Shame impacts how we conduct ourselves around sex: the conversations we’re not willing to have with our partners, the changes we’re not willing to make, and the risks we’re not willing to take in order to have a fulfilling sex life (whatever fulfilling means to you). Sexual shame hides in the shadowy corners of the bedroom. It shows up as silence, secrecy, denial, and judgment.Shame is the reason that 20 % of committed long-term relationships become sexless. Sexual challenges are a major factor in half of all marriages ending in divorce. Conversations about sex don’t take place often enough between partners. Excuses like boredom, distraction, and loss of interest are often used to avoid sex in relationships. Shame hides behind our resignation and our capacity to put up with something that doesn’t work for us (for fear of rocking the relationship boat).The sexual revolution may have led us to the land of sexual availability when it comes to dating, hookups, and onscreen sex, but it hasn’t yet freed us of the insidiousness of sexual shame enough to embrace the honest conversations that can lead to sexual fulfillment. This is where couples often fall short to the point of silence. Even therapists sometimes skirt around the subject of sex due to a lack of training in sexuality or their own discomfort with the subject. And so the ‘elephant in the therapy session’ sits silent and ignored.If any other part of your life was threatening to end your relationship, you’d be sitting down as a team to talk about it. You’d figure it out. You’d fight for it. But because of shame, sex is a conversation into which many couples are afraid to enter, and partners remain alone in their private struggle. Shame whispers in our ear with messages like:* “I don’t like sex. I’m broken.”* “I don’t want to talk about sex. My partner should just know whatto do.”* “My partner says I’m frigid” or “my partner thinks I’m a sex addict.”* “My abuse history was my fault.”* “If I want to stay married, I have to cope with living without sex.”* “I have to hide who I am from my partner; I know they wouldn’taccept what turns me on.” * “The sex isn’t great, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”How does sexual shame operate in your life today? Are you still dragging along the remnants of sexual shame you inherited from your ancestors? We’re all a product of past generations. We all grew up in homes that shaped our sexual beliefs, but sexuality is no longer simply a marital obligation to keep the peace and procreate. Human sexuality is always evolving, and our beliefs and attitudes can evolve as well.The bodily pleasure and intimate connection we find in sex are important human needs. When we feel the truth of this, we can let go of our hand-me-down shame and rigid beliefs. We can bring more curiosity to our desires and, with that new-found curiosity, start an honest conversation with our partners about our needs and desires.If sexual shame keeps you silently coping, or worse, threatens your relationship, sex coaching can empower you and your partner to speak what too often remains unspoken. Share this chapter of The Turned-On Couple with your partner and start a conversation about what sexual shame looks like in your relationship. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

“We haven’t had sex in months. This is not what I signed up for when we got together five years ago!”These words from a past client ring in my head now and then, when I think about couples who are dissatisfied with their sex lives. You can feel the utter frustration he felt when it came to his unmet expectations. Over those five years, his experience of his sex life changed or, more than likely, the conversation about sexual compatibility never occurred. This is often the case in new relationships when things are novel and exciting.He wasn’t experiencing what was important to him or, in other words, he and his partner didn’t share the same sex and intimacy values.“Have you and your partner ever explicitly discussed what’s important to each of you when it comes to sex and intimacy?” I asked him. “What do you both value in your experience together?” “Have you ever talked with your partner about what’s important to each of you in your sexual and intimate life together?” When you ask and answer these questions, you can explore how to harmonize your values and get your expectations met. If your values differ (which is often the case), the question arises: How do you accommodate those differences?Sex is one of the most difficult topics of conversation for couples. I’d like to offer you a framework to guide your exploration and ease things a bit.Identify and rank your sex and intimacy valuesI’ve listed some of the values that could be part of your preferred experience of sex and intimacy. Feel free to add to this list. Note which ones stand out to you. Maybe you want them all. (I do!) For this exercise, write down your top five.* Physical affection (cuddling, hugging, PDAs, and hand holding, for example)* Presence (present moment attentiveness, listening with interest)* Passion (letting go into desire, taking and being taken)* Sensuality (touching for pleasure, massage, sensation exploration)* Spontaneity (unplanned sexy time, initiating through surprise or opportunity)* Planned sex (setting a day and time, putting it on the schedule, prioritizing sex)* Playfulness (humor, laughter, lightness, games, letting your inner child out to play)* Depth (going deep, expressing emotions, feeling deeply)* Sacredness (connecting to something greater in your union, bringing in spirit as part of your experience, rituals that give meaning to your sexuality)* Kink (exploring limits, fetishes, power exchange, role play, different sexual personas)* Quantity (wanting sex often, regularity, believing that more is better)* Quality (making sex special, going for the gold, wanting the best each time)* Tenderness (loving care, kindness, protection)* Boldness (directness, asking for what you want)* Confidence (stepping into your sexiness, feeling sure of who you are)* Surrender (being led, handing over control, trusting, submitting)* Loving (to feel loved completely, adored, devoted)* Orgasms (pleasure based, making orgasm a priority, exploring different types of orgasms)* Exploration and adventure (trying new things, being open to new things, novelty)* Dominance (taking charge, leading, empowered)Now that you’ve selected five from this list (or other items you added) your next task is to rank your top five sex and intimacy values in order from highest to lowest.Get clear on what you needOnce you have your top five values sorted, consider the ways in which your partner can support those values in your sex life. Give yourself some time with this; communicating your values and needs is important, but considering how to get your values and needs met is the real conversation. Here are some examples of how you could share your values, and how your partner could support you in giving you the kind of experience that’s important to you:Value: Confidence “When you admire my body, I feel confident and sexy.”Value: Planned sex“When you express how important sex is to you, it inspires me to plan for it, and put it in our schedule.”Value: Exploration and Adventure“When you propose new experiences, it heightens my sense of exploration and adventure.”Include as much detail as possible about how your partner can support your top five values and how you can support theirs. And remember to avoid any blaming or complaining language, such as “you always…” or “you never…” There’s no looking back; there’s only moving forward! Talk as team players in making your sex and love life great for both of you. That requires kindness, curiosity, and acceptance.If my posts bring value to your relationship, please like, restack, or share. :)The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This chapter is for a subsection of women, and the people who want to understand those women better.A therapist friend of mine once asked me if many of the women I work with ever confess that they’re just done with sex. My answer was, “yes.”They’ve had the babies and many years of sex with their partners. They’ve never felt very sexual. It was never that important to them.They’re done!When I hear a woman make such a resounding statement, I imagine a long road of frustration, obligation, unmet desires, and unspoken words leading up to that absolute declaration. Sex is not about obligation, although women have been told this for eons of time Until relatively recently women were considered the property of men. A woman’s role in life was to have a family and solely support her husband’s goals. In many parts of the world this remains the case. In my own lifetime, a woman had to get her husband’s signature to get a credit card. Women weren’t allowed to serve on a jury or have access to Ivy League education! The list goes on.It’s helpful to keep these facts in perspective as we look at the role sex plays in many women’s lives.Birth control, access to abortion, planned parenthood, marriage of choice, jobs outside the home, financial independence, consent conversations, female sexual pleasure — all are (relatively speaking) game-changers for women’s independence and their relationship to sex. It’s only been one generation since girls walked out of sex education with two takeaways:1. Keep your legs closed if you don’t want to get pregnant, and2. Boys only want one thing. (In other words, fend off the aggressors or your life will be ruined.)Desire, pleasure, seduction, and intimacy were not at all part of the sexualcurriculum or conversation (and still aren’t, largely speaking). Boys weren’t taught how to be good lovers, and girls resigned themselves to whatever happened. This was usually unfulfilling, due to the lack of understanding of the female body (and soul).These days, women may consciously understand that sex is more than simply an obligation to keep a relationship intact. Times have changed, right? Not according to the numbers, sadly. Low libido (or lack of interest in sex) is present in 26.7 percent of premenopausal women, and 52.4 percent in post-menopausal women.Is it a woman’s nature to be less interested in sex, especially as she ages, or is it the kind of sex she’s having that leaves her cold?If sex is just intercourse focused with minimal mental, emotional, and physical foreplay, a woman’s inherent nature won’t be engaged, nor will the pleasure centers throughout her body that awaken arousal. If she’s not educated to view sex as a source of her own pleasure, she’ll lack the tools, and even the inclination, to identify what she wants in sex and to ask for it from a partner. If the way a woman experiences sex doesn’t open her to connection and intimacy (whatever style of sex she’s having), she’ll eventually become resigned to feeling sex is more for her partner than for her.Women are raised to be good at giving, at putting other’s needs first, but applying those skill sets to sex can eventually lead to low sexual interest and even resentment. Obligatory sex isn’t just unsatisfying for women; it’s equally unsatisfying for their partners. I often hear them express their longing to feel desired by their partners.We’re all learning as we go. Every generation is evolving our sexual awareness. Relatively speaking, we’re still in the early days of a sex education that represents female pleasure. Women’s sexual empowerment is now part of the conversation. We’re all doing the best we can to wake up to the mistakes and inequalities of previous generations.But, behind the bedroom doors, conscious and subconscious attitudes and beliefs still linger. After all, we were raised by parents who were influenced by their parents and so on.If you understand intergenerational trauma, you know that trauma experienced in one generation affects the health and wellbeing of descendants. This intergenerational download is almost all subconscious.Ninety percent of our brain is a subconscious collection of unintentional thoughts, behaviors, and actions. How many women were indoctrinated into; * saying “no” to sex from a young age?* taught to hate their bodies based on societal standards of the time?* raised to believe that female sexual pleasure isn’t important enough to speak up about?* told that to be a good wife, they should put their husband’s pleasure above their own?* being called a “slut” and socially ostracized by their peers if they appeared to enjoy sex too much?* faking orgasms or performing to please a partner? or* never taught how to talk about sex with confidence and clarity?Early messages about female sexuality combined in our subconscious minds create confusion and ambivalence around our own sexuality.When I hear a woman say she’s done with sex, I hear her saying; she’s done with a sexual paradigm that may have never worked for her in the first place. She’s done feeling disconnected from her body and desires.She’s done with a lack of intimacy. She’s done with hardening herself to the belief that sex is not meant for her pleasure. In other words, she’s done with sex - as it is.In such instances I hope that ‘being done’ can be transformed from anending into a beginning. When one door closes, another can open.Walking through that door can be a vulnerable journey. A woman might need to transmute her resentment into a reengagement with pleasure and a discovery of her own sexual empowerment outside of the societal messages she grew up with. Can she learn to identify her sexual desires? Can she embrace sex as an integral part of her womanhood, to be shared and celebrated? I certainly hope so. My coaching practice has taught me that at least in some cases, being ‘done with sex’ is a reaction but not necessarily an endpoint. What is ever-evolving is the desire to create something better. If you or your partner are part of this subsection of women who’ve emotionally disconnected from sex, starting to talk about sex is where it all begins.Share this chapter with one another and open up about your sexual histories. Ask each other questions about what it was like growing up:* What were the messages you received (verbal or nonverbal)about sex, masturbation, and nudity?* How were you conditioned by the attitudes of family or friends?* How did you learn about sex, and how do you wish you’d learnedabout sex?* What are your early memories of sexual feelings andexperimentation?Understanding our partner’s relationship to sex, based on their life-history, is an invaluable part of a vibrant sex life. Be a good listener. Stay curious. Don’t judge or try to “fix”. Change occurs when we feel safe enough to share our honest thoughts, and when we feel loved and accepted, even in the midst of our current limitations. If you want to learn more about working with me as your coach, let’s talk.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

We’re all on a wild ride together. There’s no question about that. Every part of our lives — including health, politics, cultural norms, and the environment — is in crisis. Depression and anxiety are skyrocketing. I don’t know about you, but it sometimes it feels like life is spinning out of control. When I sit down to write about sex, or speak to a group, a coach, or a client, the question, “Why have sex?” keeps bubbling up. Even in ordinary times it’s important to answer this question, but especially so these days.Let’s look at some of the roles sex plays in our lives and why now, more than ever, sexual intimacy can support our health and well-being.Intimacy and biologyIntimacy is my number one reason for keeping sex alive (and fulfilling) during stressful times. That applies to partner sex and solo sex. Feeling intimate is a basic human need. Sexual intimacy is a uniquely potent manifestation of that. It requires us to open up , welcome pleasure into our experience, and share our bodies as well as our hearts. Being seen by our partner in our desire and orgasmic energy is extremely intimate and vulnerable. We feel seen, accepted, and wanted. These experiences feed our hearts and souls, and all these feelings help regulate us emotionally. When we’re emotionally replenished with expressions of intimacy, we’re better able to meet the world’s demands with balance, calm and clarity.Similarly, being sexually active and fulfilled impacts our self-esteem. Feeling loved up and satisfied brightens our day and how we relate to work, parenting, and the world. Everyone in our life benefits from our sexual satisfaction!From hormones to neurotransmitters, sex creates states of relaxation and closeness that can impact a relationship for days afterwards. One female client says the closeness she and her partner feel after sex is her “why” for having sex in the first place. She sees the difference it makes in her partner’s state of happiness and mood, as well as her own. This positively impacts how she views her partner, which in turn enhances his feelings of love and acceptance for her. The wheels go around and round.Orgasms don’t just feel good in the moment: they also help protect us from depression and anxiety. So, partnered or solo, it’s healthy to include orgasms in your mental fitness routine.Those same hormones bolster our immune system, helping us to ward off illness. Sex also reduces stress. Chronic stress is endemic in our crazy world. Its damage touches every part of our human body and brain and can lead to conditions such as high blood pressure, inflammation and disease. Sexual intimacy and orgasmic release reset our nervous system and return us to a much-needed state of peace and calm.Sex is a pain reliever. Stepping out of the contraction of pain and turning our attention to pleasure may shift brain chemistry and alter one’s experience of pain. Sex helps us sleep better, too! It’s an accepted fact that sex reduces heart attacks and strokes. Having sex is on par with a brisk walk or light exercise, and it’s a lot more fun.All this is to say, find your “why’s” for keeping sex interesting and desirable — and remember them! Sex isn’t just for the stress-free, the turned-on, or the wild explorers; sex is for every human. Sexuality is an integral part of who we are born to be. It’s a magical concoction of brain chemistry, hormones, and our nervous system mixed with so much vulnerability, love, and intimacy that it calms and soothes a worried mind.Use sex to enhance your life emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Put sex to use in ways that extend and enliven your quality of life.If sex has become predictable, intercourse and orgasm driven, or another task to cross off your to-do list, It’s time to learn and grow together.Are my posts valuable to your life and relationship? Please like and share. :)The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

With this post, we are beginning Part 3 of the Turned-On Couple. (Chapters 45-69)In the journey of long-term love and passion, few aspects of a relationship hold as much potential for connection and fulfillment as the realm of sexual intimacy. Yet, for many couples, navigating the intricacies of fulfilling sex can be a journey fraught with uncertainty, inhibition, and frustration.In Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple, we embark on a voyage of exploration, shedding light on the secrets to cultivating a deeply satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. From communication and vulnerability to pleasure and new adventures, let’s look at the essential elements that pave the way to becoming a Turned-On Couple.Chapter 45: An Elephant in the Room: How to Talk About S-E-XWe all lived through a pandemic. World-wide, couples were forced to stop everything – stop working, shopping, partying, gathering, vacationing, and dining out. Let’s face it, we were forced to stop distracting ourselves; strip away distractions and we’re suddenly confronted with the low-level stress that’s driving us to distraction in the first place. We were forced to stop seeking outside of ourselves, which made space to start looking inside: our world of feelings, needs, emotions, and desires.If we believe we can’t change what’s missing in our relationship, it makes perfect sense to ignore what’s missing, deny the effect on us, and justify inaction. But living in denial and inaction comes at a price: intimacy. And what we lose in intimacy we gain in resentment and disconnection.If you’re living and sleeping with someone for whom you feel resentment and from whom you feel disconnected, I guarantee you’re living with stress that’s presenting itself in multiple ways daily. You may find yourself losing patience easily, snapping, withholding affection, and viewing your partner as an adversary rather than a teammate.One way you might cope with a loss of intimacy is by constructing a story. You tell yourself that you don’t want to pressure your partner. You don’t want to be selfish. You’ve been living without sex for so long, you’ve gotten used to it. Talking about sex and intimacy might rock the boat. Living with these kinds of narratives accomplishes two things: you suppress your needs and desire for intimacy, and you disempower yourself from creating change.Let’s stop ignoring the “elephant in our relationship” and start talking about it. We can even thank the elephant for sticking around and reminding us that we’re ignoring our own sensual and sexual needs.Ask yourself: What are my sexual and sensual needs? What would it look like to have them met? How do I want to be seen and accepted in my sexuality? Who am I as a sexual being and what do I actually want?We all acknowledge that to keep anything alive in our life we need to give it attention. We need to continue learning and growing. We need to invest ourselves and bring energy to it. We do this in our work. We do it in our play. We do it with our health and fitness, but for some reason we believe that our sexuality is an exemption to the rule!We start having sex as teens (usually), and normally learn how to do it with one or more partners. Eventually we get together with someone and settle down in a long-term relationship and agree to the same kind of sex (usually) for years on end with the expectation that sex will remain interesting and fulfilling. However, thinking that good sex doesn’t require attention, communication, and new learning is a myth, perhaps taught to us by romance novels, movies, and misinformed sex education.So, where to begin? Initiate a conversation about your desires between the three of you: you, your partner, and the elephant. Stop ignoring what’s not being spoken, and welcome a conversation about sex and sensuality. When you approach this conversation from a loving place of listening, curiosity, open-hearted exploration, and patience, you’ll invite in the intimacy you’ve lost along the way. Eight ground rules for talking about sex.If you’ve been silently suffering an unsatisfying sex life, the path to sexual fulfillment starts by learning to express your desires. I’m fully aware this can be a daunting task so let me offer you a few helpful tips on how to make it go as smoothly as possible. Whether you’re in a long- term relationship or currently dating, you can learn to talk about sex as comfortably as you would about where to go for lunch.Ask your partner for some time to sit down to talk about your intimate life when you’re not in bed. Choose a relaxed time and place. (I use the words “intimate life” because sex is more than just a physical act; it’s an act of intimacy, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. So, inviting your partner to talk about your intimate life telegraphs that you want to find connection. You want to feel their body close to yours and feel the love that comes from sexual connection.)If things have been less than satisfactory for a while, conversations about sex are often full of blame and guilt (whether spoken or unspoken). You might feel your partner tense up at first or get defensive as they brace for the negative emotions this subject may have brought up in the past.Here are eight ways to ease their defensiveness:1. Be patient and stay with them as they find their comfort with the conversation.2. Reassure your partner that you want to talk about your intimate life in a way that’s open-hearted. You want to hear their needs and be curious about solutions that work for both of you. Show them they can trust you enough to be honest.3. Acknowledge what you love about your partner. Help them relax and feel appreciated. Express gratitude. Make a list of all the ways they make your life better so they’re fresh in your mind. How long has it been since you’ve spoken words of gratitude?4. Be specific when you ask for what you want more of. Don’t presume your partner doesn’t like a certain activity if you’ve never actually talked about it. Don’t try to intuit what you think your partner wants; ask them directly and listen to their requests.5. Stay away from presumptions about what your partner might be feeling. You’re not a mind reader, and what they may have expressed in the past doesn’t mean they feel that way now. Ask them to share their feelings so you hear it directly from them.6. Focus your side of the conversation on your feelings rather than blaming or pointing a finger. If your partner has turned you down sexually for a while, confess how that makes you feel. “When you turn down my invitations, I feel rejected/alone/sad/abandoned.”Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your feelings as this invites them to do the same. Avoid statements that you know might trigger your partner. Before speaking, ask yourself this very important question: “Is what I’m about to say going to create connection or disconnection?”7. Make eye contact and be present. Take turns talking and then listening. Don’t defend yourself or interrupt. Repeat back what you heard them say. “What I hear you saying is that you feel like I only show affection when I want sex, is that right?” When they hear you say it back to them, your partner will feel heard and understood. It takes courage to open up about sex, so thank them for sharing and show your appreciation.8. Breathe and relax. Lead with confidence and presence. If your energy is relaxed and grounded, they will follow your lead.Share these ground rules with your partner. By agreeing to them you make space for conversations about sex that will leave you both feeling heard and acceptedIf this post was valuable to you, hit like. :) And if you want to find out how coaching can impact your relationship…The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Ever wonder what happens in someone else’s bedroom? We all do, right?Consider this your “digital keyhole” into the bedroom of one of my coaching couples, Thomas and Kelly, and how they applied some of the coaching tips they received from me over the last few weeks. Then I’ll break down all nine coaching tips they used on their date night so you can learn from them as well. Thomas and Kelly came to me feeling disconnected, largely because they had been letting their sex life slide. The ripple effect of not prioritizing their intimacy created emotional distance and some lurking resentments on both parts. Taking my advice, they planned ahead on when and where they were going to have some intimate time. They decided on a midweek evening, after the kids were settled down and the house was quiet. Thomas told Kelly there were some rules to their engagement that evening. They were to both dress up for each other. Thomas told Kelly to put on something sexy and see-through so he could appreciate her body and said he would dress however she wished.Thomas asked that once they crossed the threshold of their bedroom that evening, no casual conversation occur about work, news, kids, money, or other day-to-day matters. Their conversation was to be about their relationship, their shared plans, their sexual turn-ons, or present-time feelings, or in other words, subjects that create connection rather than the mundane parts of their partnership.Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom so they could look at some sex toys; each of them could purchase something they’d like to introduce into their sexual play together. Thomas took the initiative to dim the lights, put on some music, and prepare a favorite drink for Kelly. There were no expectations other than conversation and sharing some intimate time.They could become sexual or not depending on their moods. When things ended up progressing over to the bed. He suggested some explorations with spanking and sensation play, which they’d never tried before but were both curious about. Interestingly, Thomas’ intermittent issues with ED disappeared that evening.The next day we all got on the phone to talk about their experience, and I praised them for all the small changes they made to make their time together not just good, but awesome! Let’s look at the nine reasons why Thomas and Kelly had a great date night:1. Thomas and Kelly both agreed to schedule a day when they could share some intimate time together. Planning sex sets you up for a good experience. They were both prepared, showered, and shaved. And they had a few days to anticipate their upcoming date.2. Thomas had a sense of how he wanted their time together to go, so he and Kelly both agreed that he’d plan that evening. With Thomas taking charge, Kelly could relax and follow his lead. This created the kind of sexual polarity that helped fuel their attraction and desire.3. Thomas gave Kelly a clear and simple request to wear something specific that he liked, which gave Kelly a tangible action to perform. She also appreciated knowing that Thomas wanted to see her body in something sexy. His request helped her feel attractive and desired.4. Thomas stated his boundaries by requesting that their conversation be restricted to subjects that fostered intimacy. All other subjects of conversation were left outside of the bedroom for that night.5. Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom for the sole purpose of looking at some online sex toy stores. This was a fun shopping experience that helped them both connect to and share their desires. He also gifted Kelly with any toy or accessory she wanted to purchase. 6. Being the one who chose to lead, Thomas took responsibility for creating a sensual space before Kelly arrived. He changed the nightstand light bulb to a red one, he found some music he knew she’d like, and had their drinks ready when she entered the bedroom. These gestures helped her feel cared for.7. He also led her over to the couch rather than the bed so they could spend some time talking and sharing. Thomas didn’t have any issues with ED that night, which he’d been experiencing since he’d entered his fifties. He realized that taking the time to share and connect before sex was exactly what his body needed to become aroused.8. They both agreed there was no expectation about whether sex would happen or not, so neither of them felt pressured to please or perform if the desire wasn’t there. They wanted their actions to follow their desires in the moment rather than have expectations or assumptions that sex would happen. As it turned out, they did both get turned on, by taking their time and connecting first. 9. As things started to escalate Thomas suggested they try something new. He asked Kelly if she’d be interested in some sensation play and spanking. Something he knew she was curious about based on previous conversations earlier that weekThis introduced some novelty into their sexual play and allowed them to see new sides of each other that were more playful and experimental. It also underscored the sexual polarity they were already feeling through Thomas’ directive leadership, and Kelly’s state of surrender and willingness to be led. (They agreed that the next date night, Kelly would lead, giving Thomas a chance to relax and receive. The next day the three of us met on Zoom to talk about how well the date night went and why. We talked about what worked and why it worked for them. They shared each other’s favorite moments and what they might want more of next time. They also enjoyed reliving and sharing their evening with me. Talking about sex can be fun, liberating and confidence building. I congratulated them for the choices they made to create a date night that was a great success on all nine counts.When I watch a couple move from disconnection and frustration to becoming reengaged and turned on, I see how everything they sought was already within them. They just needed to expand outside of their routines, get refreshed in viewing each other as lovers again, finding their way back to presence, passion and pleasure.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I won’t say exactly how long cannabis has been in my life, but the release of Dark Side of the Moon and my first joint fell in the same calendar year!I feel like a relic of the past when I remember terminology like doobie, roach clip, and head shop. That was also the year my sexuality came fully into being. Ergo, the idea of combining consciousness-altering substances with sensual pleasure is not new to me.Cannabis is now legalized in many States, taking its rightful seat at the table of other health and wellness enhancement medicines. We no longer have to feel like criminals when we indulge in this sacrament; we can actually have a grown-up conversation about what’s available in the realm of entheogens. And as a sex and intimacy coach, I’m particularly excited to share openly about how you can use cannabis to heighten your sensuality and partner intimacy.Losing your mindWhen it’s time to be in your body rather than your head, I hope you can answer “yes, I’m in my body”, and “Yes, I’ve lost my mind!” In a recent questionnaire for my readers, roughly half answered in the affirmative when asked if they were too preoccupied with negative thoughts to let go and enjoy themselves sexually. Being stuck in our heads during sex and sensuality is a top challenge for all genders. All that thinking and overthinking can undermine our openness to closeness with our partner.Let’s look at the notable ingredients of cannabis: THC and CBD. The levels of these two compounds will dictate the effect of cannabis on your intimate experiences and bodily pleasures.CBD refers to a class of compounds that offer health benefits but generally don’t alter your mood or mental state. CBD potions and remedies are available for a wide variety of health concerns. THC is the component that makes you feel “high” or “stoned,” and is the main ingredient we can harness to enhance sex. With a little research and experimentation, you can determine your optimal level of THC. The “right dose” will relieve the chronic overthinking that leads to anxiety — the number one enemy of sexual performance and satisfying orgasms.Too much THC can make you feel sluggish, dissociated, and even a little anxious (among other effects). A suitable “Goldilocks dose” (neither too big or too small) will elevate your mood and expand your perspective. Note that today’s cannabis shops offer dozens of strains to choose from. Like a bottle of wine, each cannabis strain has its subtle qualities, but generally speaking they break into two categories. Indica — which tend to offer a heavier body load (the feeling of a “body stone”) — and Sativa — which is more of a heady trip. Sativa is valued by aficionados for expanding creativity or even boosting energy. With Indica you might be inclined to lie on the couch and listen to music; with Sativa, you could find yourself absorbed in a creative project or, for those so inclined, tidying the house!What’s best for you and your partner will vary from person to person and couple to couple. Indica might be your thing, or Sativa, or a blend. Some prefer to smoke it; others prefer edibles. If this is all new to you, start with small amounts and seek a good time and place or “set and setting” as they say in psychedelic communities. Please be aware that cannabis doesn’t agree with everyone, and don’t forget to check its legal status in your jurisdiction. I certainly don’t wish to be seen as encouraging people to break the law in their locality.Our society has condoned the use of alcohol for eons to settle us down, take the “edge off,” and to function as a social lubricant. Personally, I don’t feel that alcohol (other than in very small amounts) lends itself to intimacy, for a variety of reasons. Alcohol can lead to nausea. It’s physically addictive which may lead to substance abuse and conflict. And when it comes to sex, alcohol impairs performance by numbing sensations and dulling our mental and situational awareness. (Not to mention the toxic after-effects of hangovers.)Cannabis, on the other hand, brings us into the present moment and focuses our attention. It stimulates desire and creative thinking, and it enhances feelings of connection. It increases the intensity of our physical sensation and heightens the quality of our orgasms!Again, the secret in using any consciousness-altering substance is experimentation and moderation. If you want connection, don’t get so high that you can’t be present and attuned to your partner! Please be a grown up and a responsible sexual partner. Start with small amounts and increase until you discover your optimal state for intimacy with a partner, or intimacy with yourself. And if you don’t want the “higher” love, that’s okay too. (of course!)Cannabis is simply an option that some people enjoy for certain experience- enhancing qualities. With the advent of medical grade cannabis and low-dose THC, we can also get the health benefits of cannabis without the buzz.Choose your strain of cannabis based on how you want to feel. Many people will find a hybrid of Indica and Sativa a good starting place for their experimentation. Too much of one and you’re sleeping on the couch. Too much of the other and you might feel less inclined to cuddle. Note that you can enjoy some of the sexual benefits of cannabis without feeling high!If you purchase low-THC cannabis products that are nevertheless rich in CBD compounds, cannabis can create more blood flow to the genitals and increase nerve sensitivity. CBD can relax tense pelvic floor muscles and reduce vaginal pain and erection challenges. Cannabis with high levels of CBD also eases symptoms of menopause, mood swings, sleep disturbances, and even bone loss. So it’s not all about the gifts of THC!Questions to ask yourself are: How do I want to feel? What am I using it for? Am I primarily looking to get high? And if so, how high? What’s my preferred method of consuming cannabis? Smoking the flower? Vaping it? Eating it? Or applying creams, spraying oils, or using suppositories? Do I prefer Indica, Sativa, or a blend? All these choices will impact your experience. Don’t be shy at cannabis stores and dispensaries. The staff are usually knowledgeable and happy to recommend products with names like Bubblegum Kush, Sour Diesel, Blue Dream, Love Potion #1, and so on. Don’t be nervous, either, about asking for something that’s good for sex and intimacy. You’re not the only one asking, and these people have heard it all before!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the big-time driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex has signaled the desire to have sex ourselves since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and lead a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy, and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.I’d like to widen your definition of porn and share some thoughts on how it can be used as a tool for sexual communication and exploration. Whether you defend porn or deplore it, you’ll find heaps of opinions that support you, as well as large swaths of people who will vehemently disagree with you.Porn is not an argument to be won, or even a problem to be solved; pornography or erotica is something to be discussed, understood, and (for those who are inclined) integrated into a relationship as a tool to enhance your sex life, rather than damage it.Pornography (depictions of people having sex) has been around for thousands of years. Erotic art has existed since the dawn of civilization, from Pompeii’s frescoes to India’s Tantric temple carvings and ancient fertility symbols. Far from taboo, these early depictions celebrated pleasure, creation, and connection. Ethical porn today continues that timeless tradition of exploring desire with intention and respect..Welcome to the InternetThe internet has made porn so ubiquitous in our society that, these days, pretty much everyone has seen porn of some kind, and most of us have formed our position for or against it based on our sexual identities, our views on freedom of speech, our moral judgments, and our human rights perspectives.It’s hard to pigeonhole porn these days. Like everything else, porn is changing and expanding. Whether it was yesteryear’s 8mm “stag films” or the Betamax or VHS videos of the 1980s that interspersed sex scenes with campy plots, the multi-billion-dollar porn industry evolved from the perspective of the business of creating increasingly explicit content for a primarily male consumer audience. The porn industry has more recently tilted toward decentralization, which has resulted in better conditions for actors. A more direct and personalized experience is emerging via platforms like LiveCam, and OnlyFans sites that, in effect, make it possible to earn money from broadcasting erotic experiences directly from a person’s bedroom to paying customers. Porn will always be part of our world. With the evolution of technology like VR headsets, porn will survive and thrive in forms we can currently barely imagine. And with blockchain technology, it will be difficult, if not impossible to ban or censor it. Like water through rocks, porn will always find it’s path to be the driving front-runner of any new technology. The market demand has proven this to be the case, to date. Even within the latest censorship laws (in the United States these are known as “FOSTA-SESTA”) that make it nearly impossible to use the word “sex” anymore in social media platforms (including the words “sex education”!) without losing your account and entire online business. Regardless, porn will, I have no doubt, remain one of the most sought-after subjects on the internet. When a society suppresses sexuality in the form of porn, it’s probably also suppressing healthy sex education, as we see in schools across the country. Without an open, shame-free forum for sex education, we’re left with only the lies and stereotypes that mainstream porn imparts. This shows up in sexual challenges for our young people today.Click Here Now!Mainstream porn entertainment is designed to entice you into watching more of it. If porn was based on real-life sex, we’d likely become bored. Why? Because real sex often includes things like seduction, touching, relaxed orgasmic build-up, and intimate conversation between partners. Sometimes sex includes awkwardness, or messiness. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes it falls a little short. That’s the way real sex is. The delicious nuances that make for great sex can’t be experienced from the outside. These unseen factors are felt between the people engaged in intimacy, including connection, presence, chemistry, and vulnerability. This isn’t exactly clickbait material for the ever-decreasing human attention span that’s now approaching that of a goldfish (so they say).We need to differentiate between mainstream porn, which makes money from clicks and ads, imparts misinformation, sets us up for impossible expectations, and desensitizes us to reality, and porn that’s potentially useful as a tool to help couples discover and enjoy their erotic desires.One of the more common complaints I hear from couples about porn is that one partner watches it privately, while the other feels betrayed and becomes judgmental.Understandably, secrecy born out of fear of judgment doesn’t lend itself to a happy, secure relationship. Whether it’s porn or online shopping, if we believe the only way to avoid conflict is to go underground, then it’s time for some honest conversations and agreements! Coming out of the ‘porn closet’ might seem scary, but surprising conversations can take place given the right environment and support.Porn use is just one of many topics of conversations couples have in my sex and intimacy coaching. If there’s tension between partners about porn, these conversations may hurt a little at first, but the healing that comes with honest sharing is well worth the initial discomfort.The reasons behind watching porn are varied and depend on the circumstances. People turn to porn for all sorts of reasons, including stress release, curiosity, novelty, and exploration of desires, as well as current dissatisfaction with sex. If viewing porn is having a negative impact on a relationship, both partners need to sit down and really listen to each other (maybe for the first time). Some couples have never spoken about porn without inflicting shame, blame, and judgment on each other.Take away the emotional battering, and a conversation about porn can lead to all sorts of shared insights and perspectives. There’s far more to porn these days than the aforementioned mainstream, male-focused fare that’s so easy and free to find.I’d like to point out the ways in which porn, in its most ethical forms, can help couples tune in and turn on to online sex. Since porn is here to stay, let’s look at what’s out there, and how to discern between the good, the bad, and the ugly! Ethical porn in a (largely) unethical industryThis is what Google says about ethical porn:Ethical porn can be defined as that which is made legally, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, shows both fantasy and real-world sex and celebrates sexual diversity.You’re more likely to find “ethical porn” when you move from the larger mainstream porn sites to paid or subscription sites that are independently produced and distributed. These smaller productions companies make more diverse content showing a wider range of body types, genders, races, and different sexual activities. Most importantly, it includes a woman’s perspective (in front of the camera and behind it); since one-in-four people who watch porn are women, this is a game changer! If we only expose ourselves to the same types of people and a limited depiction of what sex looks like, we’re going to severely narrow our own expectations of sex with a real partner and come to believe that sex only looks a certain way. Ethical porn doesn’t support harmful racial and gender stereotypes. It often shows consent conversations on screen and underlines the importance of pleasure for all involved. Off screen, the working conditions are safe, and the wages are fair. In other words, the actors have agency and are treated respectfully.Watching ethically produced productions removes the dissonance that arises around all the injustices commonly found in mainstream porn. Most women I work with do not want to see the misogyny and stereotypes that a lot of male-focused porn promotes. Because most women know very little about alternatives to the mainstream porn fare, they understandably refuse to watch porn at all. They end up judging their partner’s porn viewing habits by this metric, which tends to drive their partner’s porn-watching underground. The breach of trust, along with the disapproval of porn, as they know it, will shut down further conversations about porn, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.Asking a reluctant, judgmental partner to explore new styles of porn that might appeal to them is a conversation that requires sensitivity and tact! Do your homework first and give your partner links to sites geared to their sexual style and sensibility, whether that’s romantic and sensual or wild and kinky. Let them do their own research without you looking over their shoulder. Ask them to choose one or two sites that engage their imagination and share them with you when you have some private time together. Reassure your partner that your interest in watching porn together is about enhancing your sex life together, not replacing them with fantasies about porn stars. Talk about the reasons why couples enjoy watching porn together, and (of course) read this chapter of The Turned-On Couple together.Watching ethical porn togetherLet’s explore the reasons some couples might want to watch ethically- produced porn together. * One reason might be a lack of sexual experience. Whe n a person hasn’t had many sexual partners, they’re curious about sex. What’s normal? How do other couples have sex? What does pleasure look like with other couples? * By imagining themselves in the roles of the actors, individuals and couples can start to enjoy watching their fantasies played out by others before exploring new experiences themselves. If the porn is realistic, it

Sexual desire discrepancy in long-term relationships isn’t an anomaly; it’s built into the lifestyle of cohabitation and is pretty much guaranteed to develop at some point within the first couple of years in a new relationship.Desire discrepancy is normal and to be expected, yet it remains one of the most painful and destabilizing challenges a couple must face. This dynamic pits partners against each other in a battle of blame, guilt, and defensiveness. Given the reluctance most couples have to talk about sex openly, it’s hardly surprising that differences in sexual desire become a cauldron of mistaken presumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken shame. The higher-desire partner feels shame about their role as sole initiator, and the lower-desire partner feels shame about their lack of desire for sex. Both become stuck in their story of failing at sex. They’ve lost the safety and security they once had in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.Nature giveth and nature taketh awayNew relationships are fueled by novelty and sexual intensity. Nature sets us up for procreation by pumping us with feel-good hormones like serotonin and norepinephrine. When sex is infused with the natural high of these hormones, it can lead to unrealistic expectations that the relationship will continue forever with this kind of intensity and mutual desire. Gazing at each other through rose-colored glasses, we tell ourselves we’ve finally found our perfect sexual match. After one to three years in a relationship, the infatuation hormones slowly fade. Sexual desires shift, sexual frequency changes, and the higher-desire partner is left to wonder what happened to their sweetheart’s ready and willing state of arousal. The lower-desire partner becomes mired in feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Add in the sometimes daily pressure for sex from their partner and sex becomes a quagmire of negative emotions that kills desire and builds resistance.This initial phase of disillusionment is the time when couples need to start talking about sex in an open and honest way. Rather than accusing our partner of changing or viewing each other as adversaries with competing needs, couples can pull together and view themselves as a sexual team, equally responsible for their sex life’s health and wellness. This is where their work begins as a sexually engaged couple.We can thank books, movies, and (especially) porn for perpetuating the great lie. What is this lie? That sex is always hot, spontaneous, and satisfying for both parties; that sex always includes strong, long-lasting erections, ever-ready lubricated vaginas, and endings with mutually coinciding orgasms. As most long-term couples will tell you, this isn’t the case. Sex is more varied than what we’re fed by the media. Real sex isn’t a “performance” that goes from zero to sixty in less than a minute.Real sex is more relaxed: it’s authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes messy, and all of this makes real sex more vulnerable than anything you see on a screen. It’s not performed to “entertain” or hold the undivided attention of someone watching. (Well, not usually…)Statistics tell a more accurate story Roughly 40 to 50 percent of sexual encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying; 25 percent are better for one partner than the other; and 15 percent will be unsatisfying for both. Knowing this and having realistic expectations allows couples to relax when they don’t quite hit their “high bar.” If your relationship is nurtured with regular nonsexual affection and loving gestures outside of the bedroom, you’ll feel more relaxed when sex occasionally falls short. Couples with a healthy openness in their sex life can let it go — even laugh it off — and accept that sex isn’t always going to meet the mark. And that’s okay!The plight of the lower-desire partnerUnlike the higher-desire partner, whose focus is sex, the lower-desire partner has to contend with resistance. Resistance isn’t always easy to understand, even when it’s our own. As you know by now from reading my teaching, discussing sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy is key. Shame-filled silence will keep us hidden in our self-doubt and self-judgment. If the lower-desire partner assumes the burden is on them alone to figure it out, guilt, shame, and resentment will drive any potential for desire underground. When we approach sex as a team, the challenge around desire is shared by both partners. When sex is blame and guilt-free we feel open to exploring solutions that meet both partners’ needs. Spontaneous vs Responsive DesireIt’s helpful to understand that desire presents itself differently to different people. Higher-desire partners may experience desire in a more spontaneous way, with the experience of sex descending upon them. They might start to feel aroused physically, or sexual desire will infiltrate their thoughts out of the blue as they find themselves lost in a sexual fantasy. Desire will present itself, and they’ll feel moved to have sex. It’s natural for them to assume desire moves in their partner in the same way. Higher-desire partners wonder if their partner even desires them since they never initiate sex.Lower-desire partners might experience desire quite differently, for instance as a response to stimuli that arouses them. If you were to ask them if they’re interested in having sex, their response might initially be “no.” But once they open themselves to arousing stimuli — whether in the form of touch, visuals, or seductive words — and if the invitation is made in a way that attracts them, then responsive desire starts to move in them. These are the people who will admit to not wanting sex initially but to enjoying the sex once things get rolling.Owning your turn-ons and turnoffsIf resistance plays a role in your sexuality, it’s time to investigate. Sit down and write a list of the things that turn you on — and the things that turn you off — to the idea of having sex. Often conditions play a big role in our “yes” and “no.” You might be surprised to see what’s on your list of turn-ons. Your turn-ons might include:having transition time between work and play;knowing the kids are out of the house and won’t knock on the door;feeling energized after a run or exercise ;listening to certain music;dancing and being silly together; reading an erotic story;Your turn-offs might include:having sex after a big meal when you’re feeling full and tired;jumping into sex without first emotionally connecting with your partner;feeling too rushed to find your own pleasure; the lights being too bright; the room being too cold; worrying that your body won’t perform as you wish.Make a list of five to ten of your own openers and closers, so you can see them all on paper, and share it with your partner. They’ll better understand how desire works for you so they can support the conditions that help you open up.Breaking the habit of resistanceResistance is sneaky. It’ll show up even before you’ve given sex much thought. It may whisper messages based on fears and insecurities:My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.I take too long to orgasm.I’m a boring lover.My kids will walk in on us.I’m afraid to ask for a certain sexual experiences .I’ll lose my erection.I’ll never meet my partner’s needs.I need to drink or get high before sex.I fear painful or dysfunctional sex and can’t do anything about it. I dislike the pressure of being someone I’m not during sex.Start to observe the thoughts behind your resistance and question if they’re true or not. Talk to your partner about the negative beliefs that contribute to your resistance. If you’re working as a sexual team, your partner will appreciate your sharing. Ask them to help you rewrite your negative thoughts into positive affirmations that feed your self- confidence and self-esteem.Saying No with LoveSaying “no” to our partner’s initiation is hard on both people. “No” is a door closer and leaves little room for any other thoughts or solutions.If you’re usually a “no” to sexual intercourse, as a pattern, ask yourself what you might be a “yes” to? Get curious about what you’re open to and learn how to deliver your “no” in a way that doesn’t slam the door in your partner’s face. Couch your “no” with a statement of appreciation like, “I’m too tired to have intercourse right now, but I appreciate your desire to be close. Would you like to have an orgasm another way?” Or “I’m looking forward to being sexual with you. Can we set a date for tomorrow rather than tonight?” Before you answer your partner’s request for sex with a defensive “no,” feel your partner’s own vulnerability in their request and ask for what you want from a place of connection. Coming together as a sexually empowered team will keep sex alive and well, for real.If you need help with desire discrepancy in your relationship, coaching can lead to a entirely new chapter in your sex life. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

You can’t argue someone into loving you, yet in effect that’s the conflict in which many no-sex or low-sex couples find themselves. Chronic anger around a couple’s sexuality poisons a relationship and stresses their emotional bond. When the higher-desire partner badgers, guilt trips, nags, pouts, barters or begs for sex, they unwittingly turn sex into a commodity to be acquired, an argument to be won. While such pressure tactics may work in the outside world, power struggles in the bedroom only end in frustration and conflict. It sounds obvious, but couples in long-term relationships continuously get trapped in this destructive pattern.This clearly self-defeating dynamic doesn’t happen overnight: it develops over time as a toxic response to a seemingly unsolvable sexual standoff.This standoff places loving partners at odds with each other, setting them up as combatants fighting for their position and perspective while under the pressure of conflict and disconnection. It’s a lose/lose strategy that leads either to separation or resignation that neither partner will enjoy their desired sex life. The higher-desire partner feels like they have no choice but to push through the lower-desire partner’s resistance in order to convert them to the idea they should have sex. The request for sex is often laced with anxiety; if there’s a history of refusal, resentment will lurk under the surface. This is not a winning strategy for intimacy of any kind.Please understand: I don’t want to minimize the hurt and disappointment of the higher-desire partner. It’s not easy to be continuously rejected when we make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for sex and affection. At some point, the higher-desire partner may choose to stop initiating altogether, to avoid the pain of rejection. Ongoing rejection creates all sorts of negative thoughts and beliefs:* I’m unattractive.* I’m a bad lover.* I’ll never get what I want and need. * I’m being punished. * The future of my relationship is uncertain.All these negative thoughts lead to an underlying stress that permeates the relationship and undermines trust and intimacy – the very things necessary for desire to be present. Both partners suffer greatly in this power struggle. Even when sex does happen, the undercurrent of resentment of both parties can make sex feel mechanical and emotionally guarded. Is it surprising then that one or both partners lose interest in sex altogether? Being argued into having sex is like being pressured into giving someone your car keys or loaning them a treasured book. Sex is not a thing to borrow or a favor you perform for your partner to appease their anger and ease tension. Sex is a mutual experience, a space you both agree to enter into together for intimacy and fulfillment. The only way to gain an enthusiastic “yes” to sex is to attract your partner into entering that intimate space with you. Unlike coercion, attraction takes thought, investigation, curiosity, and creativity.I remember, years ago, the words of a higher desire client, who suddenly stood up from their chair and said:“I married my partner with the understanding that sex would be an important part of our marriage,” he proclaimed. “I didn’t change my mind about that. She did. I have a right to be angry, and I’ve told her that!”I agreed with his sentiments and his emotions. He had every right to feel like he’d lost something important to him. Yet it was also clear he wasn’t going to find what he was looking for via anger or guilt-tripping his wife.When I asked what he liked most about sex with his wife, he softened. He started speaking about the closeness they once shared in intimate moments. He missed the touching and the connection. He spoke about the feeling of escaping the outside world together for a while.“I miss her,” he finally said, like it was a sudden insight. “If I can’t share that kind of experience with her anymore then I’m just living with a roommate. It’s not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what she wants either.” His anger melted into sadness and disappointment.“Have you told her lately what you love about having sex with her?” I asked him. “Have you ever told her that you miss sharing that with her? Have you told her you miss her? This is what she needs to hear,” I added. “Not that she’s wrong for losing interest in sex, or that she should have sex whether she wants to or not.”If you wanted your partner to swim across a pond to join you on the other side, you wouldn’t throw a rock at them to pressure them into crossing; you’d more likely toss them a life jacket to make their trip across easier. In this scenario, intimacy or connection is the life jacket you toss to your partner.Note also that attracting our partner into intimacy requires us to first become intimate ourselves - to become vulnerable and honest about the unexpressed feelings we harbor underneath the anger or coercion.When we approach our partner with our offensive armor down, they’ll feel safe to lower their defenses. We can ask for a truce in the daily sexual power struggle so that honest words can be spoken without blame or judgment.We’re all responsible for our circumstances; the roles of victim and perpetrator don’t have a place in my sessions. There are no purely innocent parties. Once this dynamic is understood and released, healing and a new dynamic can take its place. Here are some initial steps to consider:Talk about it. This is easier said than done, I know. If conversations about sex are charged with blame and defensiveness, then you’re going to have to wipe that slate clean and come into the conversation with your white flags up. Let your partner know you want to work on your sexuality as a team and end the pattern of conflict around sex.Take responsibility. Own your part in creating the push-pull dynamic around sex. If you have challenges controlling your anger or criticism, find a coach who can teach you some tools to use when you’re triggered. It will change your life!Speak from your experience. Offer your partner vulnerability and share your disappointment rather than your judgment.Be curious. Investigate your partner’s relationship to sex and how they feel about your sex life together. If they feel safe from emotional punishment they may open up about their blocks as well as their needs and desires.Ask questions. With sincere interest, help your partner share their deepest truth. There are many reasons behind sexual inhibition or reluctance (too many to list here).Be patient. If you don’t get the hoped-for open-hearted response the first time, stay the course. Entrenched patterns take time to shift.Trust takes time to build. Let them experience the change in you first so they can find their own change in response.Seek help. Finally, and most importantly, know that you don’t have to go it alone! Your journey back to fulfilling, intimate, turned-on sex could benefit from the help of a professional. Think of it as the difference between a dangerous slog through the jungle and a fun, safe, guided safari adventure.To paraphrase the Bard:All the bedroom’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their fears and their strategies, and one person in their time plays many parts…Like, share or restack. Substack loves your engagement and it helps others find the information they might need.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex is probably one of the hardest things to discuss with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Many couples tell me the only time they talk about sex is usually when there’s tension or a complaint. If a conversation about sex always leads to bad feelings then of course we’ll avoid the subject. There’s another way to talk about sex that is more relaxed, curious and intentional. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner will hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to discuss, the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that you both feel heard and understood.Put aside time for a private conversation. Wait until you both feel relaxed and your minds are clear (from work, kids, chores, unresolved disagreements, and the other concerns of daily life). Take the conversation out of the bedroom. Turn off your phones. (Seriously!) Get cozy and make physical contact. Set the scene to explore feelings and be ready to listen deeply. This isn’t about trying to get someone to behave as you wish; it’s about confessing your desires and listening to theirs! Don’t wait until you’re exhausted at the end of the day: carve out moments for conversation when you have the energy to talk and listen. Take your space. Many of my clients are self-conscious about closing their bedroom door during the day for alone time if they have family in the house. Show your family members that you prioritize and value your relationship by taking time to nurture it, whether it’s for talking, cuddling, or sex. You’re showing your kids that your relationship matters to you. That’s good modeling.Take turns sharing. It never works when two people try to share at the same time. If one of you is sharing, the other needs to only listen until they’re finished talking. Stay open-hearted and open-minded without words or looks of judgment and shaming. Don’t interrupt! Be patient until they’ve said what they want to say. When they’re finished, you can ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add. And then thank them for sharing. Ask them how they felt about sharing their desires. They might have felt nervous about it and now feel relieved. Or they might suddenly feel embarrassed or afraid of being rejected. Be sensitive to their feelings and remember that our erotic minds are all unique! We can’t fully understand where our desires come from, but we can listen with an open and curious heart.Keep your questions open-ended and get curious about your partner. Many people have trouble asking for what they want sexually. Some don’t honestly believe they deserve to get what they want, so be a receptive listener. Right now, this is about them, not you. When you’ve had time for some questions and answers, notice your feelings:* Do you feel threatened that your sexual tastes might be different? * Are you feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do?* Do you feel insecure that your partner might not want you if you don’t share the same desires?* Can you communicate difficult feelings without blaming your partner for making you feel that way?* Do you feel touched that your partner has spoken their truth and demonstrated their trust in you to hear it.Think of conversations about sex in terms of a newborn baby: Protect it from harm, hold it tenderly, and nurture it with loving attention. Take turns sharing what might be hard to confess, knowing your partner is holding the space for you to open up. If difficult feelings arise, don’t abandon the conversation. This is where you can both practice patience and vulnerability. If one of you is triggered, listen to their fears with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes in that moment. Sometimes that’s all it takes for those fears to subside. It’s a process of learning and accepting one another, and that doesn’t happen overnight. Trust is built by consistent, small gestures, not grand promises or proclamations! Even if our partner’s chosen activity isn’t our cup of tea, be curious about what it is that turns them on. Listen to their thoughts and insights and be open to the possibility that you might discover your own turn-on while trying something new!If one person prefers an evening of romance and tender lovemaking, make a date to fill their cup with exactly what they desire, down to the details. If the other wants to get tied up and objectified, plan a time soon to give them that experience, so they get their cup filled as well! In other words, take turns giving and receiving. Both of them are delicious and fulfilling.When you give your partner an experience you know they love that’s not “your thing,” draw from the sheer pleasure of enjoying their turn-on, knowing you’re giving them what they want with a generous and loving heart. Trust that they’ll do the same for you when the time is right.Your primary sexual needs might not align perfectly but you could find yourselves expanding your sexual menus to include a variety of experiences. Think about it: If your partner was your sexual clone, your sex life would lack the erotic tension that comes with difference! Difference has a lot to teach us if we face it with an open mind.Keep the words flowing. Our words let others into our heart. Words help us feel understood and even bring clarity to our own thoughts when we speak them out loud.Judgment closes the door to learning and erodes trust. A roll of the eyes, a snide comment, a joke, a look of disapproval, silence, all have the power to close down the subject of sex, never be brought up again. Remember, your partner is no more responsible for their erotic turn-ons than they are the color of their eyes. Rather than seeing them as a problem, learn how differences broaden the playing field. Celebrate a full spectrum of love and eros!Make these conversations part of your life together. If we begin sensitive conversations by reassuring our partner that they’re loved and respected, curiosity and interest will take the place of fear. Be courageous enough to lay your heart on the table and start talking!Share this article with your partner, and ask them if they’d like to talk. :)As I’ve always said, every couple learn to talk about sex with as much ease and flow as talking about lunch. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Many years ago, a convergence of experiences and losses left me in a state of grief. I cried, I felt sadness, and I rationally accepted life as it was. Yet over the months that followed I felt like I was in a low-grade depression. I spent time with friends and enjoyed day-to-day pleasures, but something inside of me was not moving on.After a few months I went to see a bodyworker who offered massage in addition to other healing modalities. I didn’t share much more with her than my name. She placed her hands on my chest and my lower abdomen and with very little movement started to slowly draw her hand up from my pelvis to my heart. She kept repeating the same very slow movement with her hand.After twenty minutes or so, I could feel something growing in my belly. It was a ball of warm energy that I sensed traveling up through my torso to my chest. When it reached my throat, I let out a loud deep guttural sound that surprised me. Those sounds kept coming until the feeling of the ball of energy inside of me was gone. After a few minutes of feeling calm and relaxed, she continued to draw her hand up to my heart and throat. I could feel the ball of energy again grow in my belly and move slowly up and out of my throat in loud guttural cries. My cries had surprisingly little emotional content, and my breathing was deep and effortless.My body knew what it was doing.Cycles like this continued a few more times until, after an hour and a half, there was nothing more left, and I felt a deep sense of peace and blissful emptiness. My body had released my unprocessed grief. No one had to tell me that; I could feel it.Before I left, I shared my experience with the bodyworker. I told her it was similar to feeling an orgasm slowly building in my pelvic region, but rather than it moving down and out through the genitals, the energy moved up and out of my throat. My body knew what to do. All I had to do was relax, focus my attention, continue breathing deeply, and marvel at my body’s inherent wisdom and healing power.Love, reality & griefYears later I delivered a talk to a group of cancer survivors in a local hospital. We were talking about how to use sex to help heal from the grief that comes with illness. Each woman shared her journey with cancer, each expressing how touch and pleasure eventually became an important part of their healing. I came away from that talk feeling even more deeply that sex is a healer, and when the time is right, orgasmic energy can play an important part in connecting us back to our bodies and experiencing feelings of all kinds, not just the sexy ones!There’s much to feel these days. If we slow down enough to feel it, grief surrounds us. Untimely deaths, environmental degradation, injustices, relationship breakups, unwanted change, aging… we’re all grieving, both personally and globally. Grief has taken a seat at all our tables.So where does sex fit into grief? The myth is that these two very basic human experiences are mutually exclusive. We believe we shouldn’t want sex until we’re feeling sexy and receptive, and we can’t be grieving if our bodies are turned-on and orgasmic. But this isn’t necessarily so.Everyone needs to honor their own journey through grief. Grief is not something to be measured by time. It presents itself differently for every person, but is it possible to allow grief to be part of our sexuality?Grief is an isolating experience. We become lost in our own subjective pain, and even find refuge in our retreat from society; but after some time, the need for isolation is replaced with the need for connection.When the time comes to reach out and take the hand of a caring lover, a new phase of healing begins. We can open the door and let them into our private pain.Intimacy takes on an even deeper meaning. When we let ourselves be seen in our most vulnerable and raw states, we can allow ourselves to be held and touched, and receive all the hormonal and mental benefits that touch brings. By seeing ourselves through the loving eyes of lover , our pain is shared, and our burden is eased.Pleasure never leaves us; we leave pleasure. Even when we move through difficult emotions, pleasure is always there; like a bridge over troubled water, pleasure can reconnect us to our bodies. By focusing on arousal, physical pleasure drags us out of our subjective thoughts and into the present moment. The present moment is free of the past and the future, both of which weigh heavily on us during times of grief.Letting go into pleasure, feeling the buildup of orgasmic energy, and trusting that it’s okay to let pleasure move in us, can help shift us out of the deep freeze of loss.With the use of deep breath and arousal, energy gets unstuck and our emotional armor relaxes. If you’ve ever cried during sex, you know that tears and orgasm are strangely similar in their release. They both move energy through our bodies in a way that’s physically healthy and emotionally healing.Lovers in a dangerous timeIt’s wonderful to feel the love of others in trying times, but the real power of love during grief is the giving of love, as much as the getting. We can become absorbed in grief and loss. That’s part of the grieving process as well, but when the time is right, we can turn our gaze from inward pain outward to our beloved standing by us, ready to help.Sending loving energy shifts us out of our left brain, where fight, flight, and freeze operate, into the part of our right brain that houses things like gratitude, empathy, and compassion. The act of giving love is like placing a healing balm on a wounded brain. It gives our exhausted, high-alert mind a place to rest and connect.Anyone who meditates will tell you about the clarity and emotional transcendence that comes from focused attention. Stop reading right now and place your thumb and finger together. Move them so slowly and with so much attention that you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints.Do this for a few breaths and see how long you can give your full attention to this experience. You’ve just momentarily cleared your mind of its outward thinking!Sexual pleasure draws us into our bodies and for a while puts the rest of the world on hold. Sex and orgasm offer an escape from our overly active minds. In letting go and allowing an orgasm to happen, we take a momentary leave from the weightiness of our world. In addition to clearing our minds, orgasms also move stuck energy in our bodies. If we’re carrying grief, orgasmic energy can move through us with a healing force.You don’t see grief or sad feelings in porn. You rarely see sex and grief in films or TV. Sex is usually depicted as a one-note emotional experience of passion or romance. If your partner is experiencing grief, here are some things to remember when it comes to sex and intimacy:Offer nonsexual touch and affection without expectations of anything more. Allow your partner to find their way back to sex in their own time. If they want to be sexual, keep the sexy out of it, and assure them that they don’t have to feel anything other than what they’re feeling (which is probably not very sexy).Having sex during sadness or grief is a multi-emotional experience. Emotions flow and intermingle. Tears can change into laughter and vice versa. Your partner may feel alive one moment and numb the next. The grieving partner needs to flow with whatever arises without judgment. Joining in sex with a grieving partner requires us to stay attuned to whatever feeling is present, and whatever our partner needs in that moment.Encourage them to breathe fully and relax into the pleasure of physical contact without any pressure to perform or reciprocate.Create a slow, relaxed pace so they have the time to connect to their pleasure and become aroused in their own time. Allow arousal to build slowly and gently.Be prepared for loss of erections or lack of lubrication. Our bodies know what they want. If intercourse is off the table, turn your attention to whatever feels pleasurable to your partner. Help them ask for what they want and follow their lead. There is no place to get to. This kind of lovemaking can be relaxed and meandering. Orgasms may or may not happen. Leave your agenda at the bedroom door. Incorporate breaks to share your thoughts, if needed, or simply stay silent while holding or cradling. Tears may flow. Stay in connection and encourage them to feel what they’re feeling. Be a rock when they feel unstable and let them know you’ve got them.If you are suffering from the pain of grief and want to know how to find relief, schedule a brief call with me to learn more about what’s available to you. And if you know someone who might be helped by this article, pass it on. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

In last week’s chapter of The Turned-On Couple, you learned about why it’s important to master the art of sexual initiation. I use the term “art” because with seduction and initiation there’s no formula, no one-size-fits-all script. In Pt 1 of Sexual Initiation, we learned the importance of understanding our partner’s experience and why communication matters. Mastering sexual initiation requires an understanding of desire, attunement, communication, confidence and (yes) disappointment. Let’s look next at how these elements play a role in sexual initiation. Here are some things to remember as the initiator. Start with your own desireIf we’re inviting our partner to have sex with us, we want them to feel our authentic desire. If we want our lover to say “yes,” we should say “yes” to ourselves first. If we’re in touch with our own desire, it shows, and our partner can feel it. Before you approach your partner, take some time to connect to your body. Breathe all the way down into your genitals, and start to feel what’s going on below the neck. Imagine what it would be like to lie naked next to your lover. Give yourself time to connect to your own desire.When initiation comes from your own desire, your partner will see it in the softening of our gaze, the deepening of our breath, the feel of our touch, and the sound of our voice. When you connect to your desire, you invite your lover to connect to their own desire. You’re not just guiding them into an activity like a horny teenager; you’re guiding them into a state of receptivity, of letting go. You’re inviting them into a space of desire and intimacy that you’re already occupying, by opening the door and saying, “Come on in, and join me in here.”Attune to your partner and step into confidenceNow that you’ve connected to your own desire, begin to attune to your partner. Put your phone down, close your laptop, and start to put your full attention on them. Love them up emotionally first. Offer them some nonsexual touch to guide them out of their busy minds and into their bodies. Give them time to feel your open invitation and connect to their own desire. If they are the lower desire partner, remember that arousal often comes on board with intimate, non-goal oriented touch and emotional connection. If you’re initiating, don’t be afraid to take charge. If you’re hesitant, nervous about being rejected, or feeling timid (about being seen in your desire), your partner has no lead to follow. If you’re a dance partner, you know what I mean.Initiation is where you begin to build sexual polarity and passion. Step up, take the lead, and guide your partner onto the dance floor with confidence. Your partner wants to trust that you have the skill to give them pleasure, and the passion to carry that confident energy throughout your sexual encounter. Confidence comes from within. Sexual initiation requires you to assert yourself and take the risk that you may not get what you want. We all know what it’s like to step up in other parts of our lives. Stepping up to initiate sex is no different.Be direct. Asking for what you want isn’t making a demand. It’s having the courage to share and show your desire. Being vague, beating around the bush, can come off as wishy-washy. Seduction isn’t wishy-washy: it’s clear, direct, and confident. Initiation doesn’t always have to fall on the shoulders of the higher desire partner; the lower-desire partner can initiate as well. Their invitation may have a different flavor, but their desire can be expressed just as openly and directly. Higher desire partners love to feel desired and pursued by their partner. It’s an experience they rarely get and often deeply long for.Planning is SexyIf spontaneous sex rarely happens, or if you’ve gotten into a pattern of an emotionally disengaged quickie before sleep, I encourage you to plan for sex and give it the attention it deserves.Set a day and time when you both know that you’ll have the energy, the privacy, and the intention to enjoy sharing some physical pleasure. I know for those who prefer spontaneity, planned sex sounds boring, but what’s boring is ongoing failed attempts to initiate because of all the excuses we can find to not have sex at any given spontaneous moment. Make a date with your partner for, say, Saturday at 4:00PM. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Let that plan percolate for a few days. Enjoy the anticipation. As you move through your week, you both know that Saturday at 4:00 is dedicated to intimacy. Most importantly, planning time for intimacy, interrupts the daily question of ‘is this the day sex will happen?’ This ongoing silent query creates an undercurrent of tension that is pervasive in a couple life together. Plan for intimacy, put in the books, and relax the daily wondering that looms over both the higher desire and lower desire partners. When you both put intimacy on the top of your priority list, you show each other that your relationship matters. When you show up on Saturday afternoon at 4:00, relaxed and ready to be together, you’re showing your partner that they matter.Expand your erotic menuOnce you accept that planned sex may be worth exploring, you have the added option of planning how you’re going to spend your upcoming time together.As an initiator, introduce your partner to the idea of co-creating an “erotic menu.” Building erotic menus (preferred erotic activities) together opens the door to novelty and variety, the two favorite spices that couples seek. Talk about the kind of energy you’re hoping to enjoy based on those preferred erotic activities, and this can change week to week, or day to day. Here are some examples of sexual energies: sensual, tantric, romantic, passionate, kinky. When we start to inquire into the experience we’re looking for, we can better communicate what we want and how we want to feel during sex.If you’re the one to initiate, assure your partner that you’re going to take charge in creating the environment to support the experience they’re looking for. This includes music playlist, and lighting, toys, attire, for example, all combine to create the desired set and setting.Get good at communicating about sex. If your partner isn’t fully on board with your initiation, rather than withdrawing your energy and falling into an internal negative story, get curious. Consider what might be holding them back from saying “yes.” They might not even know themselves at first, so ask them, “Is there anything that needs to change that would help you say “yes” to spending some intimate time together?”Reasons to not have sex can range from emotional blocks to practical needs like:I’m too tired, I need to sleep.I feel full and lethargic after that big meal.I’m worried about a family member.I have residual feelings about last night’s argument.The room’s not warm enough. The light’s too bright.I feel scattered and distracted.All these reasons are valid, and they’re all solvable with some communication and action. Is your initiation phrased like an all or nothing question, or do you offer alternative ways of being intimate together? Are you open to hearing what they might be a ‘yes’ to? Ask them.In an upcoming chapter we’ll talk about seduction, and why for many seduction has become a lost art that partners may have forgotten, never learned, or just gotten lazy about as they’ve adapted to more short-hand formulas of initiation. When we understand that a “no” could also mean, “not under these current conditions” we can help our partner find what they need in order to open themselves to intimacy. Initial hesitancy and resistance can sometimes be too quickly misinterpreted as a hard “no.” Don’t assume your partner is declining your initiation unless it’s clearly stated. If their “no” is clearly stated, accept their decision without emotionally disconnecting.Navigating disappointmentLearning to handle disappointment when your partner says “no” is perhaps the most important lesson of initiating. I know that may sound self-defeating, but disappointment is going to happen. It’s guaranteed!You’re in a relationship with another human being who has their own thoughts and feelings. How you handle disappointment is going to set the tone for your entire sexual dynamic. If your partner says no to your initiation and your pattern is to withdraw, get moody, or lash out, then you’re punishing your partner for saying “no.” If your partner expects to be emotionally punished for declining your invitation, you’re linking sex to a negative experience. Using emotional punishment against your partner only encourages your partner to feel resentful and obliged to have sex in order to avoid negative emotions. Obligatory sex is not a turn-on for either partner, and a sexless relationship is often born out of this negative dynamic. Turn this around by stepping out of the emotional patterns that trigger each other when an initiation is rejected. Let go of the myth that sex is supposed to just happen spontaneously with the same passion and focus as when you first got together.If you feel stuck in an ongoing negative pattern when it come to initiation then an honest conversation needs to happen, initiate that instead (when the time is right and nervous systems are calm). If one or both of you suspect that excuses are being used to avoid tougher challenges (like a general lack of desire or a loss of attraction, or all the other reasons that can lead to a ‘no’) coaching can help facilitate conversations to move beyond these blocks.Let’s do a quick recap:* Stop what’s not working and start to explore new approaches to initiation.* Prioritize and bring intention to your intimacy by putting it in your calendar. * Find your inner confidence and step into a leadership role. * Connect to and show your own desire.* Attune to your partner, and assess how to support them in getting what they need to be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to sex.* Communicate openly and honestly about both of your desires.* Disap

What is polarity?Equal and opposite energies are found in every part of nature. Cause and effect, Yin and Yang, masculine and feminine, initiating and yielding, giving and receiving, leading and following, light and dark. Each opposite plays its role in forming the whole.Most of us flow easily between these roles. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner, and the next we’re giving directives to the babysitter or describing how we want our meal prepared in a restaurant.When we stand in line for our morning coffee, we’re know very well what’s necessary to get our coffee. When we give our coffee order, we’re guiding the barista in how to make a coffee that pleases us. Neither you nor the barista is superior to the other. You’re equal parts in an overarching mutual agreement to meet both of your needs: you get your coffee and she gets her paycheck. Unless there’s a noted undercurrent of attraction between you and the barista, this isn’t an erotically charged instance of polarity, unlike the polarity of leading and following that’s inherent in a romantic relationship.Polarity & passionPolarity is necessary in keeping passion alive. It’s the yin and yang of a union, reflecting the opposite and equal energies found everywhere in our natural world and cosmos. Polarity magnetically draws opposing sides toward the creation of a whole. Neither side is superior or more powerful; the equal and opposite masculine and feminine aspects of our human nature reside in all of us.Couples who have discovered their authentic sexual polarity will often maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom; tend to see each other through “lover’s eyes”; tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day; more easily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated; share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a loving squeeze of the butt; text sexy thoughts from the office in anticipation of a planned playdate; and enjoy high degrees of sexual confidence.If you’re familiar with Dr. Sue Johnson’s attachment style teachings, they’ll both experience the secure attachment a strong connection brings.A couple lacking polarity might describe their relationship by saying:“I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers,”“Neither of us feel motivated to be sexual anymore,”“It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex,”“Our relationship has become platonic, like we’re brother and sister,”“We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery,”“We have sex but it feels awkward and stilted,”“We both want to initiate so we’re trying to please each other at the same time,” or “We both want to be seduced so neither of us will initiate something.”I often hear couples describe their partner as their best friend. On the surface this sounds idyllic. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual dynamic that creates desire, lustful anticipation for erotic escapes, and the excitement of viewing your partner through a lover’s lens. Without the polarity of opposites, couples can settle into a sameness that creates comfort, security, and an intimacy that feels almost familial. Sooner or later, attraction is replaced with a brotherly or sisterly relating that can deaden the spark of desire or at least give it a back seat in intimacy. What was once sexual attraction coming from equal and opposite energies now feels unmotivated and predictable, lacking the tension of that polar pull. When it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic friction that makes passion come alive. Sexual polarity thrives in the play of opposites: leader and follower, pursuer and pursued, directive masculine energy and receptive feminine energy.Masculine vs feminine energyGender has little to do with polarity. Everyone, regardless of gender, embodies masculine/yang energy and feminine/yin energy. As we slowly chip away at society’s gender biases, we’re learning to identify where we fall on the broad spectrum of masculine and feminine energy. Finding balance within our inherent masculine/feminine energy helps partners recognize and accept how to support polarity within themselves and in their relationship. The more we understand who we are energetically, the more we can loosen the grip of gender stereotypes that don’t necessarily reflect our experience.The CEO who spends their days in a masculine, directive role may long to relinquish control and be told what to do. The nurturer who spends their days in a more feminine energy, taking care of and submitting to the requests of others, may long to take the reins and be in charge. When we accept who we authentically are on the scale of masculine and feminine energy, we start to understand our own internal polarity. We can then explore how sexual polarity can shift the dynamic in our relationship.Your authentic path to polarity: A case studyWhen Brad and Jenna came to see me for their first coaching session, they expressed the number one most common complaint I hear from long-term couples: They’d lost sexual desire and attraction. They both felt it was Brad’s problem. Jenna wanted Brad to be more assertive with her in the bedroom. And Brad had no idea how to invoke the kind of energy. Because of this disconnect, sex had become routine and predictably unsatisfying. They were often left in the void of what was missing, and the silent disappointment that it might never change.This led to resentment that impacted other parts of their relationship. It strained their patience with each other’s shortcomings. Bickering became a daily routine.Jenna found her attention drifting to men who embodied the kind of energy she was missing in Brad. She confessed to me that she felt dangerously close to secretly seeking that energy outside of the relationship. Jenna’s work as a lawyer required her to be solidly planted in her masculine energy. When she got home from work, she brought that same level of directive energy to her family life, and her relationship. She felt the need to call the shots, make the decisions, and lead the way. It didn’t take me long to observe that Jenna’s own masculine energy was preventing Brad from finding his own masculine energy in the relationship.As long as she was taking the reins in and out of the bedroom, Brad was inclined to assume the polar role with a more submissive demeanor of wanting to please and be of service. You can see where this led: This only solidified Jenna’s own need to be in the directive role and undermined her respect for Brad. Their relationship had polarity but not in a way that they wanted.The shift back to polarity for Jenna and Brad didn’t happen on just a conceptual level: it came about through somatic exercises that connected both to parts of themselves that had gone dormant. By playing with erotic power through tools such as archetypes, physical experiencing, and roleplay, they found their polarities beginning to shift. As Jenna relaxed the more masculine energy she needed in her work environment and felt safe enough to embody her more feminine side at home. She stopped focusing on Brad’s deficits and began to trust his decisions and directives. In turn, Brad began to embrace his sexual desire for his own pleasure rather than the need to please Jenna. This strengthened his capacity to confidently take charge. Jenna could let go and enjoy being ravished by Brad, while Brad was being fed by her receptivity and desire. They found a dynamic that fueled their desire and the attraction of opposing energies.In time, their undercurrent of resentment and daily competition made way for an appreciation and respect for each other’s new roles. They learned that it’s not about trying to become someone other than their true selves but rather connecting with parts of themselves they’d abandoned over the years.In conclusion, we all embody both masculine and feminine energy. Today most of us accept that gender is no longer a strictly binary concept, but rather a broad spectrum of energies. When we accept our place on this spectrum of masculine/feminine energy we can explore different sides of ourselves in relationship to our partners. While unhealthy relationship dynamics are formed unconsciously, healthy dynamics can be formed with intention.What is the dance of polarity in your relationship? Are you in the flow of your dance, or are you stepping on each other’s toes?Private coaching is the most direct route to growth and change. Reach out if you want to learn how relationship and intimacy coaching can help.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex and stress do not make happy bedmates. That’s a biological fact.Human suffering, illness, politics, environmental issues, human rights violations, and finances are just some of our stressors. Bad news often comes at us from all directions; conversations with family and friends inevitably end up processing that bad news. Even in our happy moments, the undercurrent of stress may always be present.Biologically, stress is killing our sex drives. Our emotional and physical stress is activating our “fight or flight” reflex, which reduces blood flow to our genitals and muddies our minds with anxious thoughts.The release of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline depresses testosterone levels. A reduction in the neurotransmitters that produce feelings of well-being increases our risk of depression and anxiety. This all undermines erections and orgasms.Researchers with the Massachusetts Male Aging Study have an ongoing investigation of 1,709 people. It concludes that men who suffer from stress are almost twice as likely to experience E.D. (erectile dysfunction). Stressed-out men (and women) shut down around sex.Our bodies are not designed to encourage sexual thoughts when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. We can’t just reason ourselves out of being in fight or flight mode. Our bodies were built for stress: stress warns us of danger; it helps keep us alive. But our bodies were not built to live with the ongoing high stress levels we all experience today.So, what to do. As the Stoics say, don’t focus on what you can’t change, focus on what you can change in your response to it. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it, and not let it dictate our sexual desire.Here are some things to do to step off the stress wheel regularly and signal to your body that it’s safe to relax for a while and turn your attention to what’s pleasurable. (Print this out. Put it on your fridge. Remind yourselves every day that you can choose to lower your stress levels regularly, and you can do it together.)Stress buster 1: Tell it like it isAcknowledging that stress is at war with our sexual desire is the first step to lighten the load of our judgment of ourselves and each other.Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about your current sexual frequency. Share how stress impacts your sexual desire and reassure your partner that your loss of desire has nothing to do with them personally. Don’t assume they know this. We all need to be reminded that we’re sexually desirable and loved. Words go a long way to calm insecurities when it comes to sex.Stress buster 2: Plan time for sexI can’t say this enough. Don’t get stuck in the rut of letting the days go by hoping you or your partner will be in the mood to initiate intimacy.Agree that sex is important enough to prioritize. Put yourself in the room and trust that your initial resistance will fade away as you start to slow down, breathe deeply and drop in.Rather than making intercourse your goal, be open to whatever your intimate time together will bring. Just agree that for a set period of time your bodies will be in contact, one way or another and everything else will follow. Touch, massage, hug, cradle, share. Make intimacy your goal rather than an orgasm.Stress buster 3: Touch and be touchedDon’t be afraid to ask for what you want from your partner. Ask for a massage or a shoulder rub or an extended hug, especially if that’s what helps you relax. Offer to give one in return with no strings attached. Being in close proximity to our lover’s body produces a host of feel-good hormones. Take advantage of it and get up close.Stress buster 4: Orgasms are powerfulGoal-oriented sex can hinder our sexual experience and exploration. And… there’s a reason many of us place them on the top of our sexual agenda. Orgasms flood our brains with oxytocin. They are nature’s antidote to high levels of cortisol, and that’s why masturbation is such a common sleep aid.We now understand the profound impact orgasms have on our mental/ emotional state. Whether you’re alone or with a partner, orgasms are abundant and free. Include them in your wellness practice as a sure-fire way to lower your stress levels and keep your sexual energy flowing. Stress buster 5: Exercise dailyWe all know how good it feels to know we’re giving our body what it needs to be healthy and vital. While sex and stress don’t jive, sex and exercise make a great pair. Move your body daily. You’ll sleep better and your stress levels will drop. Use a brisk walk or run to prepare for intimacy and get your blood flowing to all the right places.Stress buster 6: Stop, look, and listenIf you need a quick fix for the stress of a busy mind, use your five senses to drag your attention out of your chronic thinking and into your physical experiences. Our five senses; sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing are constantly feeding us present-time information. They show us what’s beautiful, what smells good, what feels good against our skin, what tastes delicious. The problem is we’re usually just not listening. We’re stuck in past or future thoughts.It takes a nanosecond to notice that your mind is somewhere other than where you are, and another nanosecond to drop your attention into your body where you actually live and breathe. Your body is where you experience pleasure, so tune in to your senses and enjoy what your body is telling you.Stress Buster 7: Laugh therapyLaughter and sex have a lot in common: they both strengthen neural pathways in the brain, building a feeling of closeness in a relationship.They support intimacy and connection with our partner by flooding our brains with dopamine. When we laugh, we can literally feel the stress leave our body. Our state is instantly lightened. So, look for humor throughout your day. It may not always be obvious but it’s there, waiting to be shared.Put on a favorite stand-up act, watch a comedy on Netflix, laugh out loud together, and let the good times roll… right into the bedroom.(If my writing brings value to your life and relationship hit the like button and let me know how you manage daily stresses with your partner. )The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Mismatched desire is the number one challenge my clients bring to me for resolution. Statistically, if you’re part of a couple, there’s an 80% chance you have experienced this or are experiencing this in your relationship right now. “We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why.”These clients don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it. It usually starts with accusations that it’s their partner’s fault. Clients blame their lack of sex on their partner’s loss of desire and interest.There’s a common progression in this scenario. After some weeks, months, or years of initiating sex without feeling any desire reflected back to them, these partners get to the point of no longer asking. Instead they find their own ways to avoid sex and begin shutting down emotionally. Resentment sets in and creates an undercurrent of withholding and tension in the relationship. This shows itself as irritability, angry outbursts, or passive aggressive behavior, all of which undermine intimacy and attraction, the very thing they long for.One of my first questions is, “Have you had an honest and open conversation about your sex life and why your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?”“No,” is the typical answer.“Why not?” I’ll ask them.“Because I know why. They’re not interested in sex anymore.” Sometimes the hardest part of sex is talking about it in a way that’s curious, open, and solution focused. For that to happen higher desire partners need to move beyond their sense of (fill in the blank: betrayal, sadness, punishment, withholding, avoidance, denial)These feelings are understandable. It’s scary to lose your partner’s desire. What if they’re not attracted to me anymore? What if they’ve found someone else they desire? What if we never get our sex life back again? What if our relationship is over? It becomes a rabbit hole of catastrophising and ‘what ifs’ that sinks deeper and deeper into subjective despair, shame, and resentment.In this mindset, higher desire partners may make a decision to step away from their partner and redirect they’re sexual energy to porn, promiscuity, paid sex (on or offline), or masturbation as their primary sexual outlet. No more failed initiations, no more conversations that lead to conflict, they close the door on trying, leaving both them and their partner feeling abandoned in a mess of unresolved emotions.Shame becomes part of both partner’s experiences. One has shame because they no longer feel desired by the person they love, and the other feels shame because they know they’re not meeting the needs of the person they love and care about. Shame is isolating. It thrives in silence. It eats away at our self-esteem and tells us we’re unlovable. Couples end up arguing about porn consumption or promiscuity instead of what’s happening in their sex life.It’s easier to point the finger at the symptoms than to speak honestly about the source of the problem: desireWhat many couple don’t understand or perhaps believe is there’s a way out of this rabbit hole that starts with an honest and vulnerable dialogue. That means no blaming, no defending, no presumptions, no accusations! It means remembering that you are one couple in many who are simply facing a crossroad and an opportunity to grow.Discussing sexual challenges is one of the most vulnerable conversations we can have with our partner, and when done well, it can be one of the most transformational events for a couple’s relationship Learn the tools to become effective communicators, compassionate listeners, and more curious friends and partners.You can do this by first, sincerely wanting change in your sex life, and two, finding the support of a coach or therapist trained in sexuality. In upcoming chapters of The Turned-On Couple we’ll delve deeper into unraveling this common challenge. If you’re ready to align with a professional who can guide you in this journey back to desire, schedule a conversation with me and learn more about how sex and relationship coaching can reset your sex life. Are you currently one of the 80%? p.s. if this post if valuable to you, give it some love by giving it a ‘like’. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

No matter how dry your sex life is right now, there’s a path forward for you as a couple. Like anything in nature, change is constant; everything has an ebb and flow, an expansion and contraction, a rising and falling. Yet when it comes to sex and intimacy, ebbs and flows leave us feeling confounded and insecure.If you asked 100 couples if they’ve ever been through a sexual drought, 90 percent of them would say “YES.” Children, travel, sickness, stress, distance, and hormones all play their part in reducing sexual frequency. Based on this 90 percent statistic, you could almost say that it’s expected that in a long-term relationship sex will wane, at least for periods of time.Why then do so many couples get broadsided when their sexual frequency drops off?First, we equate a sexual drought with a broken relationship. Second, no one prepares us for it or gives us solid advice to move out of a drought.When sex becomes very infrequent or nonexistent for periods of time, our fears and insecurities get the best of us. We build negative stories around our situation and imagine the worst. Next, we do what most of us do when it comes to sex: we don’t talk about it.Our stories might be something like:* My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.* My desires don’t matter.* Sex goes away in most long-term relationships.* My partner is interested in someone else.* My partner doesn’t love me like that anymore.These are devastating stories we tell ourselves, leaving us feeling hopeless, resentful, afraid, and unworthy. Our internal negative stories fuel the emotional divide. Ironically, our stories erode the very intimacy and connection that lay the foundation for sex to happen. Unless we learn to talk about sex openly and honestly, without blame or projection, we can slip into sexual inertia.And here’s the thing… Nature has an indisputable law when it comes to inertia, which is: Objects remains at rest, or in uniform motion in the same straight line, unless acted upon by some external force.A sexual drought is a form of inertia, and unless some external force acts upon it, it will remain as is.So you need to apply some external forces to shift this sexual inertia. The first and foremost external force is the simple act of acknowledgement.A couple can sit down together and acknowledge that their sex life is in a state of inertia. They can then ask each other (and themselves) how they feel about that fact. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexual frequency. If both partners are content with less sex, but enjoy it when it happens, then that’s the right frequency for them. Every relationship is unique. If both partners agree that they want the frequency to change, this is the matter to explore. This is where you can come together as a team and share your thoughts, with one caveat: No blaming or finger pointing allowed!Stay curious as to what derailed your sex life. Was it the birth of your second child? Was it family stress? Career pressure?If the cause of inertia is related to the quality of sex rather than the quantity, then a different conversation needs to happen. (And this is where some coaching could help.) If you both agree that more frequent sex is important for your relationship, follow these seven steps:Step 1: Acknowledge the origin of your shift in sexual frequency, and the reality that sexual inertia has set in. Remember the other 90 percent of couples just like you. You’re not alone and your relationship is not broken.Step 2: Share your feelings about it without blaming your partner. For example, you could say, “I miss being with you sexually. I miss feeling close to you.” Or “I’d love to work together to make sex a priority in our lives again!” There are lots of loving, romantic, and appreciative ways to tell your partner you miss having sex with them. Let them hear it.Step 3: Agree to re-approach sex gradually, if it’s been a bit of a hiatus. Start with nonsexual touching. Many couples end up avoiding any kind of touch, if they’re in a sexual drought. Connect in simple ways like walking arm-in-arm, dancing, or engaging in partner yoga. Exercise and breathe together. Rediscover your natural polarity. Start to get intimate again with each other’s bodies, without any sexual goal, and enjoy the journey of sensual touch and massage to awaken desire. As you revisit sensual touching, agree that it won’t lead to sex. See what it feels like to take expectations off the table for now.Step 4: Returning to sex after some time away can be awkward. Acknowledge that awkwardness might be part of your experience at first. Once you acknowledge it, it’s less intimidating and can even be humorous. Be patient as you both start to rediscover some ease and flow in your sexuality. Don’t worry, you’ll get there!Step 5: Come to an agreement on your preferred sexual frequency. Remember, a willing, enthusiastic partner creates the kind of quality sex that makes up for quantity. If there’s a discrepancy in frequency, meet in the middle. Putting pressure on a partner to have sex with you is not sexy and fuels the divide.Step 6: Make an agreement with each other that if you notice your sex life starting to dry up again, you’ll both acknowledge it and nip it in the bud while keeping these seven steps in mind. Don’t create stories that fuel your discontent! Talking honestly about sex can be as easy as talking about lunch. Let go of defensiveness and negative presumptions. Sex is a natural part of an intimate relationship that requires attention and awareness. Treat it that way.Step 7: Going forward, prioritize sex by planning sex. Make a date and keep your promise to show up with full presence. Couples who plan their sex dates are far more likely to avoid the slippery slope back into a state of drought.If sexual inertia is paying a visit, come together as a team and decide what external force you’re going to introduce in order to shift out of the state of rest and back into the state of play.Most of us are having the same sex since we were in high school. I coach couples in the kind of adult sex education that transforms sex lives. There’s so much more to learn about our pleasure and our partner’s pleasure. Reach out if this kind of learning is what your relationship needs. I work on Zoom with couples from anywhere in the world. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This is a milestone post as it’s the final chapter of Part 1 of The Turned-On Couple (relationships). In Part 2 we’ll be moving into the subject of desire, the what, whys and hows of desire in long-term relationships.Burning Man 2025 is around the corner. This year I’m packing up my partner and sending him off for his own experience in our Post Office camp. After 5 years, I’m taking a hiatus and embracing two weeks of fasting from our companionship, including no phone calls. No contact for two weeks is a rare experience in our interconnected world where everyone is only a text away, 24/7. Much like food fasting, contact fasting can reset the system and clear out the cobwebs of overfamiliarity.I wrote this chapter last year post-Burning Man. It’s about the importance of play, and why play isn’t just for fun. It’s for relationship resilience, transcendence, challenges and adventure, all necessary ingredients for a thriving, connected partnership. My partner and I pulled into our driveway in a cloud of playa dust, direct from the festival known as Burning Man, feeling enlivened, enriched, and exhausted. Every year we embrace the challenge that comes with high heat, dust storms, and late nights, as part of the fully immersive experience in the middle of the Nevada Desert.What brings tens of thousands to this wild, unpredictable, uninhabitable place every year? I believe it’s the desire to immerse ourselves in the wonder of play again, with the same spirit and curiosity we did as children.Most of Burning Man’s long-held principles lend themselves to play by promoting cooperation, inclusion, radical self-expression, generosity, and open-hearted presence. All the elements of life with which every one of us is born and that we intuitively understand as children. Play is a reset button for our over-stressed, news-saturated, time-pressured adult minds.Most couples I work with will readily admit that play is not something they experience on a regular basis. Life has become too busy. There’s barely enough time to be alone to talk, much less play! Our time has become more about schedules, finances, work, family, and errands. We wake up planning our busy days and fall into bed drained. One of the casualties of growing up is our ability to embrace play for its own sake, to seek out joyful moments for no other reason than to be present in the moment and have fun together.Playing on the PlayaOne of our neighbors on the playa (meaning ‘beach’ in Spanish) was a couple in their early fifties who are parents of three kids in college. When I asked if they ever bring their kids to Burning Man, they said, emphatically, “No!”Burning Man is their time to be alone together and enjoy an adventure as a couple, not parents. They looked and acted more as they did at the age when they met, twenty five years ago. They dressed in colorful outfits that expressed their playful sides and laid-back attitudes. Burning Man was their annual escape to reconnect, having nothing more to do than be together in a mood of exploration and adventure. Each day we’d watch them hop on their bikes and head off, returning late into the night with smiles and stories to share.When couples give each other permission to play together, they acknowledge that their relationship is a place to engage their imaginations and embrace parts of themselves they may have left behind along the way. Play for its own sake is not a trivial, unnecessary activity. Play is foundational to maintaining a happy, growing relationship. (Read that sentence again, out loud!) When we invite joyful, carefree moments into our time with our partner, we experience the childlike essence behind the busy adult, and the inherent joy in living.If the idea of play seems like a distant memory in your relationship, maybe it’s time to sit down and talk about it! What activities would bring out playfulness in you as a couple? Is it learning how to partner dance? Or sharing a new sport? Is it hitting the road to commune with nature? Is it camping around a fire with friends? Or laughing together at a local comedy club? Is it starting a 2000-piece puzzle? Or pulling out a Jenga tower?Of course, we can bring play into the bedroom as well, using our imagination to explore our erotic personas and engage with our partner through a different lens. Couples who enjoy roleplay appreciate the experience of stepping out of the norm and embracing alternative ways of relating to each other erotically. (More on that later in the Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple.)A few years ago a client of mine discovered a side of herself that loved to pretend she was still in college, before the kids, the job, and the mortgage, the payments. She gave that part of her the name Sassy. Her partner loved spending time with Sassy. When she brought Sassy out to play, her partner felt invited into a more carefree space as well. The presence of Sassy was the signal that conversations about adult worries were put on hold, and play was the focus.Bringing play into your relationship is a team effort. In order to let ourselves feel playful, we need to feel supported by our partner. We can give each other permission to make the great escape from adult demands.Trust that your partner has your back in new adventures. Be patient with each other as you try out new ways of being playful together.Be courageous by stepping into your more child-like enthusiasm, out of your adult responsibilities and let go into a more child-like enjoyment.Attune to your partner, to create a shared experience. Collaborate in designing the play that you’re creating together.Cooperate to bring that vision into being, whether that’s riding your bikes through the sights and sounds of Burning Man, planning a vacation full of new experiences, or sneaking off for a night in a hotel room with tickets to your favorite live concert.Be happy; nothing is in controlOne of the challenges of creating play at Burning Man was trying to set up camp during two days of winds and dust storms. I have memories of holding onto the end of a 15-foot square tarp, trying not to be swept off my feet with gusts of 30 mph winds. By the end of that day, we lay exhausted, laughing about what we had to overcome to get settled, and feeling unified in our shared victory.Playfulness requires full participation and presence, requiring us to relinquish the control we cling to in our day-to-day lives. Play can push us out of the comfort zone of familiarity. It asks us to put our phones down and forget about timelines. Play challenges our rigid, adult expectations of right and wrong, or yes and no.One of the most important transitions I make at Burning Man usually comes within the first three days, when I’m confronted with my need to control circumstances and surroundings. It’s in that confrontation where the true reset can begin. Letting go of control and going with the flow is the gift that play gives us.There’s a science behind play. It’s been shown to release endorphins and improve brain functionality. It stimulates creativity and, of course, increases our feelings of well-being. New forms of play introduce into our relationships the much-needed experiences of novelty and mystery, two of the necessary ingredients for a vibrant, growing relationship.When a couple engages in the novelty of new experiences, their brains produce all the love hormones that support bonding and closeness.Oxytocin comes from the attraction of seeing our partner with fresh eyes as we engage in new experiences that bring out their joyfulness.Vasopressin helps us mobilize physically and emotionally to take on new adventures. Phenylethylamine is another love hormone responsible for releasing adrenaline that comes from new experiences.Dopamine comes from the bonding and closeness of sharing those new experiences.All these love hormones combine to make a cocktail of powerful feelings. In other words, when we introduce novel ways of playing together Mother Nature supplies us with everything we need to feel happy and in love with our partner.New experiences can be as simple as trying out indoor rock climbing, visiting an Escape Room, or jumping on a local zip line in the woods. If a couple comes to see me complaining of low desire or boredom, we talk about the importance of keeping novelty and mystery alive in their relationship. These two ingredients help produce the chemical soup that reawakens desire between partners. Sit down with your partner and talk about what play means in your relationship. Take a break from this crazy adult world. You can be sure it’ll be here when you get back from your personal playground, feeling renewed, engaged, and happily exhausted.Please support my writing by ‘liking’ this article. If my writing brings value to your relationship, consider becoming a paid member for $5/mo Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I once sat in on a group conversation about jealousy. The attendees were made up mostly of people in polyamorous and open relationships. For this group, jealousy is an emotion that requires honest investigation to successfully live their chosen relationship models. Those who choose to have multiple partners necessarily need to learn how to manage jealousy by working together with their partners to minimize it. It’s not an easy task, but it’s part of the territory if you want to step outside of the agreements that usually come with monogamy.Alternative relationship models look at jealousy with fresh eyes. They acknowledge the complexity and challenge of this subject but approach it with a desire to deconstruct the destructive impacts jealousy can have.These couples talk about the challenges of jealousy openly; they set clear boundaries to help manage it, but most importantly they shine a bright light on an aspect of coupledom that usually lurks in the shadows, filled with judgment, shame, and conflict.I consider relationship jealousy to be one of the more painful emotional challenges, regardless of your chosen relationship model. No one teaches us how to protect ourselves from the agonizing grip of jealousy.In full force, jealousy is emotionally (and physically) overwhelming. It not only cuts to our deepest fear of not being loved but, on a very primal level, jealousy is a warning sign that even our physical survival could be threatened if we were to lose our partner to another.If jealousy triggers the survival part of our brain into “fight or flight,” it’s understandable that jealousy can cause us to act from a highly stressed state of emotions such as anxiety, fear, and anger. It’s also understandable that we may say and think things that don’t reflect our “best selves.” In a triggered state, we have no access to grounded logic or effective problem solving until we reengage our frontal cortex and regulate ourselves back into a calmer state of mind. Returning to emotional regulation may start by taking a more objective look at jealousy as a natural part of who we are based on our past experiences or wounding. Developing compassion for our feelings is the first step in calming our triggered instinctual brains.Our core attachment wounds often play a big role in our experience of jealousy. Here are just a few:Depending on validation and feeling specialThe fear being aloneSeeing life through the eyes of loss and scarcity Comparing ourselves to others and doubting our own worth Being afraid of rejection and anxiously seeking belonging(I’ll add a caveat here that if you have good reason to be jealous based on real-life events such as infidelity or being lied to, then you and your partner have work ahead to repair that damage and build trust again. Many couples come through these ruptures with more honesty and intimacy than they had previously.)If you acknowledge that jealousy strains your relationship, and you’d like to work as a team with your partner to manage it, here are some suggestions to start domesticating that beast.Talk it out. The hardest thing to do is admit that you’re jealous, without blaming your partner for making you feel that way. “I feel jealous right now. Can you help me through it?” It’s a vulnerable confession that deserves a compassionate, undefended response.Help your partner feel safe enough to share their feelings and fears. Listen to the story they’re telling themselves with compassion rather than defending yourself or immediately try to fix it. They may feel some shame in admitting their jealousy, but sharing their story and confessing their fears can help them feel heard, and sharing can calm their nervous system. Empathize with what they’re feeling. If you’ve ever been jealous yourself, remember the pain of that emotion and put yourself in their shoes.Reassure them. After they feel heard by you, consider what your partner might need to hear from you to help them find a healthy security in the relationship. What can you say to reassure them that you’re on their side? Express your love and commitment to the relationship. Remind them of the strength of your relationship, your attraction to them, and your desire to honor your agreed-upon boundaries.Remember your agreements. When you’re both in a calm state of mind, sit down and talk about your agreements and the boundaries in your relationship. Some couples bypass this conversation, assuming their partner should just know what is and isn’t appropriate. Don’t assume you’re on the same page. Every relationship is unique and talking about how you conduct yourself around others is the only way you can discover what helps your partner’s sense of security. If you’re a people pleaser you may find yourself over-extending your agreements to appease their discomfort, so be honest and trust that your relationship is strong enough to hold the truth! Build trust. Trust is both given in good faith and earned over time.Our reassuring words are helpful in a challenging moment, but our actions are what lay the foundation for real trust. Keep your word. Do what you say you’ll do. Agreements aren’t written in stone; they can be changed if one or both of you feel the need for that change. However, breaking agreements without conversation or consent can cause a rupture. Stay current and honest with your needs and work as a team to support each other’s sense of security in the relationship. Of course, this applies to any relationship model, whether it’s an open or closed relationship, agreements matter.If you feel like you’re in a good place together, sit down and have a conversation about jealousy. Acknowledge the pain of jealousy and share the impact it’s had in your life. Perhaps you don’t see yourself as a jealous person, in which case this subject may not hold any charge for you. If so, work extra hard to stay empathetic with a partner who does identify as jealous. We all have our beasts to battle on occasion, and being there to support our partner on the front lines is what a good relationship is all about.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe