The Turned-On Couple Podcast

I won’t say exactly how long cannabis has been in my life, but the release of Dark Side of the Moon and my first joint fell in the same calendar year!I feel like a relic of the past when I remember terminology like doobie, roach clip, and head shop. That was also the year my sexuality came fully into being. Ergo, the idea of combining consciousness-altering substances with sensual pleasure is not new to me.Cannabis is now legalized in many States, taking its rightful seat at the table of other health and wellness enhancement medicines. We no longer have to feel like criminals when we indulge in this sacrament; we can actually have a grown-up conversation about what’s available in the realm of entheogens. And as a sex and intimacy coach, I’m particularly excited to share openly about how you can use cannabis to heighten your sensuality and partner intimacy.Losing your mindWhen it’s time to be in your body rather than your head, I hope you can answer “yes, I’m in my body”, and “Yes, I’ve lost my mind!” In a recent questionnaire for my readers, roughly half answered in the affirmative when asked if they were too preoccupied with negative thoughts to let go and enjoy themselves sexually. Being stuck in our heads during sex and sensuality is a top challenge for all genders. All that thinking and overthinking can undermine our openness to closeness with our partner.Let’s look at the notable ingredients of cannabis: THC and CBD. The levels of these two compounds will dictate the effect of cannabis on your intimate experiences and bodily pleasures.CBD refers to a class of compounds that offer health benefits but generally don’t alter your mood or mental state. CBD potions and remedies are available for a wide variety of health concerns. THC is the component that makes you feel “high” or “stoned,” and is the main ingredient we can harness to enhance sex. With a little research and experimentation, you can determine your optimal level of THC. The “right dose” will relieve the chronic overthinking that leads to anxiety — the number one enemy of sexual performance and satisfying orgasms.Too much THC can make you feel sluggish, dissociated, and even a little anxious (among other effects). A suitable “Goldilocks dose” (neither too big or too small) will elevate your mood and expand your perspective. Note that today’s cannabis shops offer dozens of strains to choose from. Like a bottle of wine, each cannabis strain has its subtle qualities, but generally speaking they break into two categories. Indica — which tend to offer a heavier body load (the feeling of a “body stone”) — and Sativa — which is more of a heady trip. Sativa is valued by aficionados for expanding creativity or even boosting energy. With Indica you might be inclined to lie on the couch and listen to music; with Sativa, you could find yourself absorbed in a creative project or, for those so inclined, tidying the house!What’s best for you and your partner will vary from person to person and couple to couple. Indica might be your thing, or Sativa, or a blend. Some prefer to smoke it; others prefer edibles. If this is all new to you, start with small amounts and seek a good time and place or “set and setting” as they say in psychedelic communities. Please be aware that cannabis doesn’t agree with everyone, and don’t forget to check its legal status in your jurisdiction. I certainly don’t wish to be seen as encouraging people to break the law in their locality.Our society has condoned the use of alcohol for eons to settle us down, take the “edge off,” and to function as a social lubricant. Personally, I don’t feel that alcohol (other than in very small amounts) lends itself to intimacy, for a variety of reasons. Alcohol can lead to nausea. It’s physically addictive which may lead to substance abuse and conflict. And when it comes to sex, alcohol impairs performance by numbing sensations and dulling our mental and situational awareness. (Not to mention the toxic after-effects of hangovers.)Cannabis, on the other hand, brings us into the present moment and focuses our attention. It stimulates desire and creative thinking, and it enhances feelings of connection. It increases the intensity of our physical sensation and heightens the quality of our orgasms!Again, the secret in using any consciousness-altering substance is experimentation and moderation. If you want connection, don’t get so high that you can’t be present and attuned to your partner! Please be a grown up and a responsible sexual partner. Start with small amounts and increase until you discover your optimal state for intimacy with a partner, or intimacy with yourself. And if you don’t want the “higher” love, that’s okay too. (of course!)Cannabis is simply an option that some people enjoy for certain experience- enhancing qualities. With the advent of medical grade cannabis and low-dose THC, we can also get the health benefits of cannabis without the buzz.Choose your strain of cannabis based on how you want to feel. Many people will find a hybrid of Indica and Sativa a good starting place for their experimentation. Too much of one and you’re sleeping on the couch. Too much of the other and you might feel less inclined to cuddle. Note that you can enjoy some of the sexual benefits of cannabis without feeling high!If you purchase low-THC cannabis products that are nevertheless rich in CBD compounds, cannabis can create more blood flow to the genitals and increase nerve sensitivity. CBD can relax tense pelvic floor muscles and reduce vaginal pain and erection challenges. Cannabis with high levels of CBD also eases symptoms of menopause, mood swings, sleep disturbances, and even bone loss. So it’s not all about the gifts of THC!Questions to ask yourself are: How do I want to feel? What am I using it for? Am I primarily looking to get high? And if so, how high? What’s my preferred method of consuming cannabis? Smoking the flower? Vaping it? Eating it? Or applying creams, spraying oils, or using suppositories? Do I prefer Indica, Sativa, or a blend? All these choices will impact your experience. Don’t be shy at cannabis stores and dispensaries. The staff are usually knowledgeable and happy to recommend products with names like Bubblegum Kush, Sour Diesel, Blue Dream, Love Potion #1, and so on. Don’t be nervous, either, about asking for something that’s good for sex and intimacy. You’re not the only one asking, and these people have heard it all before!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the big-time driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex has signaled the desire to have sex ourselves since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and lead a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy, and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.I’d like to widen your definition of porn and share some thoughts on how it can be used as a tool for sexual communication and exploration. Whether you defend porn or deplore it, you’ll find heaps of opinions that support you, as well as large swaths of people who will vehemently disagree with you.Porn is not an argument to be won, or even a problem to be solved; pornography or erotica is something to be discussed, understood, and (for those who are inclined) integrated into a relationship as a tool to enhance your sex life, rather than damage it.Pornography (depictions of people having sex) has been around for thousands of years. Erotic art has existed since the dawn of civilization, from Pompeii’s frescoes to India’s Tantric temple carvings and ancient fertility symbols. Far from taboo, these early depictions celebrated pleasure, creation, and connection. Ethical porn today continues that timeless tradition of exploring desire with intention and respect..Welcome to the InternetThe internet has made porn so ubiquitous in our society that, these days, pretty much everyone has seen porn of some kind, and most of us have formed our position for or against it based on our sexual identities, our views on freedom of speech, our moral judgments, and our human rights perspectives.It’s hard to pigeonhole porn these days. Like everything else, porn is changing and expanding. Whether it was yesteryear’s 8mm “stag films” or the Betamax or VHS videos of the 1980s that interspersed sex scenes with campy plots, the multi-billion-dollar porn industry evolved from the perspective of the business of creating increasingly explicit content for a primarily male consumer audience. The porn industry has more recently tilted toward decentralization, which has resulted in better conditions for actors. A more direct and personalized experience is emerging via platforms like LiveCam, and OnlyFans sites that, in effect, make it possible to earn money from broadcasting erotic experiences directly from a person’s bedroom to paying customers. Porn will always be part of our world. With the evolution of technology like VR headsets, porn will survive and thrive in forms we can currently barely imagine. And with blockchain technology, it will be difficult, if not impossible to ban or censor it. Like water through rocks, porn will always find it’s path to be the driving front-runner of any new technology. The market demand has proven this to be the case, to date. Even within the latest censorship laws (in the United States these are known as “FOSTA-SESTA”) that make it nearly impossible to use the word “sex” anymore in social media platforms (including the words “sex education”!) without losing your account and entire online business. Regardless, porn will, I have no doubt, remain one of the most sought-after subjects on the internet. When a society suppresses sexuality in the form of porn, it’s probably also suppressing healthy sex education, as we see in schools across the country. Without an open, shame-free forum for sex education, we’re left with only the lies and stereotypes that mainstream porn imparts. This shows up in sexual challenges for our young people today.Click Here Now!Mainstream porn entertainment is designed to entice you into watching more of it. If porn was based on real-life sex, we’d likely become bored. Why? Because real sex often includes things like seduction, touching, relaxed orgasmic build-up, and intimate conversation between partners. Sometimes sex includes awkwardness, or messiness. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes it falls a little short. That’s the way real sex is. The delicious nuances that make for great sex can’t be experienced from the outside. These unseen factors are felt between the people engaged in intimacy, including connection, presence, chemistry, and vulnerability. This isn’t exactly clickbait material for the ever-decreasing human attention span that’s now approaching that of a goldfish (so they say).We need to differentiate between mainstream porn, which makes money from clicks and ads, imparts misinformation, sets us up for impossible expectations, and desensitizes us to reality, and porn that’s potentially useful as a tool to help couples discover and enjoy their erotic desires.One of the more common complaints I hear from couples about porn is that one partner watches it privately, while the other feels betrayed and becomes judgmental.Understandably, secrecy born out of fear of judgment doesn’t lend itself to a happy, secure relationship. Whether it’s porn or online shopping, if we believe the only way to avoid conflict is to go underground, then it’s time for some honest conversations and agreements! Coming out of the ‘porn closet’ might seem scary, but surprising conversations can take place given the right environment and support.Porn use is just one of many topics of conversations couples have in my sex and intimacy coaching. If there’s tension between partners about porn, these conversations may hurt a little at first, but the healing that comes with honest sharing is well worth the initial discomfort.The reasons behind watching porn are varied and depend on the circumstances. People turn to porn for all sorts of reasons, including stress release, curiosity, novelty, and exploration of desires, as well as current dissatisfaction with sex. If viewing porn is having a negative impact on a relationship, both partners need to sit down and really listen to each other (maybe for the first time). Some couples have never spoken about porn without inflicting shame, blame, and judgment on each other.Take away the emotional battering, and a conversation about porn can lead to all sorts of shared insights and perspectives. There’s far more to porn these days than the aforementioned mainstream, male-focused fare that’s so easy and free to find.I’d like to point out the ways in which porn, in its most ethical forms, can help couples tune in and turn on to online sex. Since porn is here to stay, let’s look at what’s out there, and how to discern between the good, the bad, and the ugly! Ethical porn in a (largely) unethical industryThis is what Google says about ethical porn:Ethical porn can be defined as that which is made legally, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, shows both fantasy and real-world sex and celebrates sexual diversity.You’re more likely to find “ethical porn” when you move from the larger mainstream porn sites to paid or subscription sites that are independently produced and distributed. These smaller productions companies make more diverse content showing a wider range of body types, genders, races, and different sexual activities. Most importantly, it includes a woman’s perspective (in front of the camera and behind it); since one-in-four people who watch porn are women, this is a game changer! If we only expose ourselves to the same types of people and a limited depiction of what sex looks like, we’re going to severely narrow our own expectations of sex with a real partner and come to believe that sex only looks a certain way. Ethical porn doesn’t support harmful racial and gender stereotypes. It often shows consent conversations on screen and underlines the importance of pleasure for all involved. Off screen, the working conditions are safe, and the wages are fair. In other words, the actors have agency and are treated respectfully.Watching ethically produced productions removes the dissonance that arises around all the injustices commonly found in mainstream porn. Most women I work with do not want to see the misogyny and stereotypes that a lot of male-focused porn promotes. Because most women know very little about alternatives to the mainstream porn fare, they understandably refuse to watch porn at all. They end up judging their partner’s porn viewing habits by this metric, which tends to drive their partner’s porn-watching underground. The breach of trust, along with the disapproval of porn, as they know it, will shut down further conversations about porn, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.Asking a reluctant, judgmental partner to explore new styles of porn that might appeal to them is a conversation that requires sensitivity and tact! Do your homework first and give your partner links to sites geared to their sexual style and sensibility, whether that’s romantic and sensual or wild and kinky. Let them do their own research without you looking over their shoulder. Ask them to choose one or two sites that engage their imagination and share them with you when you have some private time together. Reassure your partner that your interest in watching porn together is about enhancing your sex life together, not replacing them with fantasies about porn stars. Talk about the reasons why couples enjoy watching porn together, and (of course) read this chapter of The Turned-On Couple together.Watching ethical porn togetherLet’s explore the reasons some couples might want to watch ethically- produced porn together. * One reason might be a lack of sexual experience. Whe n a person hasn’t had many sexual partners, they’re curious about sex. What’s normal? How do other couples have sex? What does pleasure look like with other couples? * By imagining themselves in the roles of the actors, individuals and couples can start to enjoy watching their fantasies played out by others before exploring new experiences themselves. If the porn is realistic, it

Sexual desire discrepancy in long-term relationships isn’t an anomaly; it’s built into the lifestyle of cohabitation and is pretty much guaranteed to develop at some point within the first couple of years in a new relationship.Desire discrepancy is normal and to be expected, yet it remains one of the most painful and destabilizing challenges a couple must face. This dynamic pits partners against each other in a battle of blame, guilt, and defensiveness. Given the reluctance most couples have to talk about sex openly, it’s hardly surprising that differences in sexual desire become a cauldron of mistaken presumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken shame. The higher-desire partner feels shame about their role as sole initiator, and the lower-desire partner feels shame about their lack of desire for sex. Both become stuck in their story of failing at sex. They’ve lost the safety and security they once had in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.Nature giveth and nature taketh awayNew relationships are fueled by novelty and sexual intensity. Nature sets us up for procreation by pumping us with feel-good hormones like serotonin and norepinephrine. When sex is infused with the natural high of these hormones, it can lead to unrealistic expectations that the relationship will continue forever with this kind of intensity and mutual desire. Gazing at each other through rose-colored glasses, we tell ourselves we’ve finally found our perfect sexual match. After one to three years in a relationship, the infatuation hormones slowly fade. Sexual desires shift, sexual frequency changes, and the higher-desire partner is left to wonder what happened to their sweetheart’s ready and willing state of arousal. The lower-desire partner becomes mired in feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Add in the sometimes daily pressure for sex from their partner and sex becomes a quagmire of negative emotions that kills desire and builds resistance.This initial phase of disillusionment is the time when couples need to start talking about sex in an open and honest way. Rather than accusing our partner of changing or viewing each other as adversaries with competing needs, couples can pull together and view themselves as a sexual team, equally responsible for their sex life’s health and wellness. This is where their work begins as a sexually engaged couple.We can thank books, movies, and (especially) porn for perpetuating the great lie. What is this lie? That sex is always hot, spontaneous, and satisfying for both parties; that sex always includes strong, long-lasting erections, ever-ready lubricated vaginas, and endings with mutually coinciding orgasms. As most long-term couples will tell you, this isn’t the case. Sex is more varied than what we’re fed by the media. Real sex isn’t a “performance” that goes from zero to sixty in less than a minute.Real sex is more relaxed: it’s authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes messy, and all of this makes real sex more vulnerable than anything you see on a screen. It’s not performed to “entertain” or hold the undivided attention of someone watching. (Well, not usually…)Statistics tell a more accurate story Roughly 40 to 50 percent of sexual encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying; 25 percent are better for one partner than the other; and 15 percent will be unsatisfying for both. Knowing this and having realistic expectations allows couples to relax when they don’t quite hit their “high bar.” If your relationship is nurtured with regular nonsexual affection and loving gestures outside of the bedroom, you’ll feel more relaxed when sex occasionally falls short. Couples with a healthy openness in their sex life can let it go — even laugh it off — and accept that sex isn’t always going to meet the mark. And that’s okay!The plight of the lower-desire partnerUnlike the higher-desire partner, whose focus is sex, the lower-desire partner has to contend with resistance. Resistance isn’t always easy to understand, even when it’s our own. As you know by now from reading my teaching, discussing sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy is key. Shame-filled silence will keep us hidden in our self-doubt and self-judgment. If the lower-desire partner assumes the burden is on them alone to figure it out, guilt, shame, and resentment will drive any potential for desire underground. When we approach sex as a team, the challenge around desire is shared by both partners. When sex is blame and guilt-free we feel open to exploring solutions that meet both partners’ needs. Spontaneous vs Responsive DesireIt’s helpful to understand that desire presents itself differently to different people. Higher-desire partners may experience desire in a more spontaneous way, with the experience of sex descending upon them. They might start to feel aroused physically, or sexual desire will infiltrate their thoughts out of the blue as they find themselves lost in a sexual fantasy. Desire will present itself, and they’ll feel moved to have sex. It’s natural for them to assume desire moves in their partner in the same way. Higher-desire partners wonder if their partner even desires them since they never initiate sex.Lower-desire partners might experience desire quite differently, for instance as a response to stimuli that arouses them. If you were to ask them if they’re interested in having sex, their response might initially be “no.” But once they open themselves to arousing stimuli — whether in the form of touch, visuals, or seductive words — and if the invitation is made in a way that attracts them, then responsive desire starts to move in them. These are the people who will admit to not wanting sex initially but to enjoying the sex once things get rolling.Owning your turn-ons and turnoffsIf resistance plays a role in your sexuality, it’s time to investigate. Sit down and write a list of the things that turn you on — and the things that turn you off — to the idea of having sex. Often conditions play a big role in our “yes” and “no.” You might be surprised to see what’s on your list of turn-ons. Your turn-ons might include:having transition time between work and play;knowing the kids are out of the house and won’t knock on the door;feeling energized after a run or exercise ;listening to certain music;dancing and being silly together; reading an erotic story;Your turn-offs might include:having sex after a big meal when you’re feeling full and tired;jumping into sex without first emotionally connecting with your partner;feeling too rushed to find your own pleasure; the lights being too bright; the room being too cold; worrying that your body won’t perform as you wish.Make a list of five to ten of your own openers and closers, so you can see them all on paper, and share it with your partner. They’ll better understand how desire works for you so they can support the conditions that help you open up.Breaking the habit of resistanceResistance is sneaky. It’ll show up even before you’ve given sex much thought. It may whisper messages based on fears and insecurities:My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.I take too long to orgasm.I’m a boring lover.My kids will walk in on us.I’m afraid to ask for a certain sexual experiences .I’ll lose my erection.I’ll never meet my partner’s needs.I need to drink or get high before sex.I fear painful or dysfunctional sex and can’t do anything about it. I dislike the pressure of being someone I’m not during sex.Start to observe the thoughts behind your resistance and question if they’re true or not. Talk to your partner about the negative beliefs that contribute to your resistance. If you’re working as a sexual team, your partner will appreciate your sharing. Ask them to help you rewrite your negative thoughts into positive affirmations that feed your self- confidence and self-esteem.Saying No with LoveSaying “no” to our partner’s initiation is hard on both people. “No” is a door closer and leaves little room for any other thoughts or solutions.If you’re usually a “no” to sexual intercourse, as a pattern, ask yourself what you might be a “yes” to? Get curious about what you’re open to and learn how to deliver your “no” in a way that doesn’t slam the door in your partner’s face. Couch your “no” with a statement of appreciation like, “I’m too tired to have intercourse right now, but I appreciate your desire to be close. Would you like to have an orgasm another way?” Or “I’m looking forward to being sexual with you. Can we set a date for tomorrow rather than tonight?” Before you answer your partner’s request for sex with a defensive “no,” feel your partner’s own vulnerability in their request and ask for what you want from a place of connection. Coming together as a sexually empowered team will keep sex alive and well, for real.If you need help with desire discrepancy in your relationship, coaching can lead to a entirely new chapter in your sex life. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

You can’t argue someone into loving you, yet in effect that’s the conflict in which many no-sex or low-sex couples find themselves. Chronic anger around a couple’s sexuality poisons a relationship and stresses their emotional bond. When the higher-desire partner badgers, guilt trips, nags, pouts, barters or begs for sex, they unwittingly turn sex into a commodity to be acquired, an argument to be won. While such pressure tactics may work in the outside world, power struggles in the bedroom only end in frustration and conflict. It sounds obvious, but couples in long-term relationships continuously get trapped in this destructive pattern.This clearly self-defeating dynamic doesn’t happen overnight: it develops over time as a toxic response to a seemingly unsolvable sexual standoff.This standoff places loving partners at odds with each other, setting them up as combatants fighting for their position and perspective while under the pressure of conflict and disconnection. It’s a lose/lose strategy that leads either to separation or resignation that neither partner will enjoy their desired sex life. The higher-desire partner feels like they have no choice but to push through the lower-desire partner’s resistance in order to convert them to the idea they should have sex. The request for sex is often laced with anxiety; if there’s a history of refusal, resentment will lurk under the surface. This is not a winning strategy for intimacy of any kind.Please understand: I don’t want to minimize the hurt and disappointment of the higher-desire partner. It’s not easy to be continuously rejected when we make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for sex and affection. At some point, the higher-desire partner may choose to stop initiating altogether, to avoid the pain of rejection. Ongoing rejection creates all sorts of negative thoughts and beliefs:* I’m unattractive.* I’m a bad lover.* I’ll never get what I want and need. * I’m being punished. * The future of my relationship is uncertain.All these negative thoughts lead to an underlying stress that permeates the relationship and undermines trust and intimacy – the very things necessary for desire to be present. Both partners suffer greatly in this power struggle. Even when sex does happen, the undercurrent of resentment of both parties can make sex feel mechanical and emotionally guarded. Is it surprising then that one or both partners lose interest in sex altogether? Being argued into having sex is like being pressured into giving someone your car keys or loaning them a treasured book. Sex is not a thing to borrow or a favor you perform for your partner to appease their anger and ease tension. Sex is a mutual experience, a space you both agree to enter into together for intimacy and fulfillment. The only way to gain an enthusiastic “yes” to sex is to attract your partner into entering that intimate space with you. Unlike coercion, attraction takes thought, investigation, curiosity, and creativity.I remember, years ago, the words of a higher desire client, who suddenly stood up from their chair and said:“I married my partner with the understanding that sex would be an important part of our marriage,” he proclaimed. “I didn’t change my mind about that. She did. I have a right to be angry, and I’ve told her that!”I agreed with his sentiments and his emotions. He had every right to feel like he’d lost something important to him. Yet it was also clear he wasn’t going to find what he was looking for via anger or guilt-tripping his wife.When I asked what he liked most about sex with his wife, he softened. He started speaking about the closeness they once shared in intimate moments. He missed the touching and the connection. He spoke about the feeling of escaping the outside world together for a while.“I miss her,” he finally said, like it was a sudden insight. “If I can’t share that kind of experience with her anymore then I’m just living with a roommate. It’s not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what she wants either.” His anger melted into sadness and disappointment.“Have you told her lately what you love about having sex with her?” I asked him. “Have you ever told her that you miss sharing that with her? Have you told her you miss her? This is what she needs to hear,” I added. “Not that she’s wrong for losing interest in sex, or that she should have sex whether she wants to or not.”If you wanted your partner to swim across a pond to join you on the other side, you wouldn’t throw a rock at them to pressure them into crossing; you’d more likely toss them a life jacket to make their trip across easier. In this scenario, intimacy or connection is the life jacket you toss to your partner.Note also that attracting our partner into intimacy requires us to first become intimate ourselves - to become vulnerable and honest about the unexpressed feelings we harbor underneath the anger or coercion.When we approach our partner with our offensive armor down, they’ll feel safe to lower their defenses. We can ask for a truce in the daily sexual power struggle so that honest words can be spoken without blame or judgment.We’re all responsible for our circumstances; the roles of victim and perpetrator don’t have a place in my sessions. There are no purely innocent parties. Once this dynamic is understood and released, healing and a new dynamic can take its place. Here are some initial steps to consider:Talk about it. This is easier said than done, I know. If conversations about sex are charged with blame and defensiveness, then you’re going to have to wipe that slate clean and come into the conversation with your white flags up. Let your partner know you want to work on your sexuality as a team and end the pattern of conflict around sex.Take responsibility. Own your part in creating the push-pull dynamic around sex. If you have challenges controlling your anger or criticism, find a coach who can teach you some tools to use when you’re triggered. It will change your life!Speak from your experience. Offer your partner vulnerability and share your disappointment rather than your judgment.Be curious. Investigate your partner’s relationship to sex and how they feel about your sex life together. If they feel safe from emotional punishment they may open up about their blocks as well as their needs and desires.Ask questions. With sincere interest, help your partner share their deepest truth. There are many reasons behind sexual inhibition or reluctance (too many to list here).Be patient. If you don’t get the hoped-for open-hearted response the first time, stay the course. Entrenched patterns take time to shift.Trust takes time to build. Let them experience the change in you first so they can find their own change in response.Seek help. Finally, and most importantly, know that you don’t have to go it alone! Your journey back to fulfilling, intimate, turned-on sex could benefit from the help of a professional. Think of it as the difference between a dangerous slog through the jungle and a fun, safe, guided safari adventure.To paraphrase the Bard:All the bedroom’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their fears and their strategies, and one person in their time plays many parts…Like, share or restack. Substack loves your engagement and it helps others find the information they might need.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex is probably one of the hardest things to discuss with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Many couples tell me the only time they talk about sex is usually when there’s tension or a complaint. If a conversation about sex always leads to bad feelings then of course we’ll avoid the subject. There’s another way to talk about sex that is more relaxed, curious and intentional. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner will hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to discuss, the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that you both feel heard and understood.Put aside time for a private conversation. Wait until you both feel relaxed and your minds are clear (from work, kids, chores, unresolved disagreements, and the other concerns of daily life). Take the conversation out of the bedroom. Turn off your phones. (Seriously!) Get cozy and make physical contact. Set the scene to explore feelings and be ready to listen deeply. This isn’t about trying to get someone to behave as you wish; it’s about confessing your desires and listening to theirs! Don’t wait until you’re exhausted at the end of the day: carve out moments for conversation when you have the energy to talk and listen. Take your space. Many of my clients are self-conscious about closing their bedroom door during the day for alone time if they have family in the house. Show your family members that you prioritize and value your relationship by taking time to nurture it, whether it’s for talking, cuddling, or sex. You’re showing your kids that your relationship matters to you. That’s good modeling.Take turns sharing. It never works when two people try to share at the same time. If one of you is sharing, the other needs to only listen until they’re finished talking. Stay open-hearted and open-minded without words or looks of judgment and shaming. Don’t interrupt! Be patient until they’ve said what they want to say. When they’re finished, you can ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add. And then thank them for sharing. Ask them how they felt about sharing their desires. They might have felt nervous about it and now feel relieved. Or they might suddenly feel embarrassed or afraid of being rejected. Be sensitive to their feelings and remember that our erotic minds are all unique! We can’t fully understand where our desires come from, but we can listen with an open and curious heart.Keep your questions open-ended and get curious about your partner. Many people have trouble asking for what they want sexually. Some don’t honestly believe they deserve to get what they want, so be a receptive listener. Right now, this is about them, not you. When you’ve had time for some questions and answers, notice your feelings:* Do you feel threatened that your sexual tastes might be different? * Are you feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do?* Do you feel insecure that your partner might not want you if you don’t share the same desires?* Can you communicate difficult feelings without blaming your partner for making you feel that way?* Do you feel touched that your partner has spoken their truth and demonstrated their trust in you to hear it.Think of conversations about sex in terms of a newborn baby: Protect it from harm, hold it tenderly, and nurture it with loving attention. Take turns sharing what might be hard to confess, knowing your partner is holding the space for you to open up. If difficult feelings arise, don’t abandon the conversation. This is where you can both practice patience and vulnerability. If one of you is triggered, listen to their fears with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes in that moment. Sometimes that’s all it takes for those fears to subside. It’s a process of learning and accepting one another, and that doesn’t happen overnight. Trust is built by consistent, small gestures, not grand promises or proclamations! Even if our partner’s chosen activity isn’t our cup of tea, be curious about what it is that turns them on. Listen to their thoughts and insights and be open to the possibility that you might discover your own turn-on while trying something new!If one person prefers an evening of romance and tender lovemaking, make a date to fill their cup with exactly what they desire, down to the details. If the other wants to get tied up and objectified, plan a time soon to give them that experience, so they get their cup filled as well! In other words, take turns giving and receiving. Both of them are delicious and fulfilling.When you give your partner an experience you know they love that’s not “your thing,” draw from the sheer pleasure of enjoying their turn-on, knowing you’re giving them what they want with a generous and loving heart. Trust that they’ll do the same for you when the time is right.Your primary sexual needs might not align perfectly but you could find yourselves expanding your sexual menus to include a variety of experiences. Think about it: If your partner was your sexual clone, your sex life would lack the erotic tension that comes with difference! Difference has a lot to teach us if we face it with an open mind.Keep the words flowing. Our words let others into our heart. Words help us feel understood and even bring clarity to our own thoughts when we speak them out loud.Judgment closes the door to learning and erodes trust. A roll of the eyes, a snide comment, a joke, a look of disapproval, silence, all have the power to close down the subject of sex, never be brought up again. Remember, your partner is no more responsible for their erotic turn-ons than they are the color of their eyes. Rather than seeing them as a problem, learn how differences broaden the playing field. Celebrate a full spectrum of love and eros!Make these conversations part of your life together. If we begin sensitive conversations by reassuring our partner that they’re loved and respected, curiosity and interest will take the place of fear. Be courageous enough to lay your heart on the table and start talking!Share this article with your partner, and ask them if they’d like to talk. :)As I’ve always said, every couple learn to talk about sex with as much ease and flow as talking about lunch. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Many years ago, a convergence of experiences and losses left me in a state of grief. I cried, I felt sadness, and I rationally accepted life as it was. Yet over the months that followed I felt like I was in a low-grade depression. I spent time with friends and enjoyed day-to-day pleasures, but something inside of me was not moving on.After a few months I went to see a bodyworker who offered massage in addition to other healing modalities. I didn’t share much more with her than my name. She placed her hands on my chest and my lower abdomen and with very little movement started to slowly draw her hand up from my pelvis to my heart. She kept repeating the same very slow movement with her hand.After twenty minutes or so, I could feel something growing in my belly. It was a ball of warm energy that I sensed traveling up through my torso to my chest. When it reached my throat, I let out a loud deep guttural sound that surprised me. Those sounds kept coming until the feeling of the ball of energy inside of me was gone. After a few minutes of feeling calm and relaxed, she continued to draw her hand up to my heart and throat. I could feel the ball of energy again grow in my belly and move slowly up and out of my throat in loud guttural cries. My cries had surprisingly little emotional content, and my breathing was deep and effortless.My body knew what it was doing.Cycles like this continued a few more times until, after an hour and a half, there was nothing more left, and I felt a deep sense of peace and blissful emptiness. My body had released my unprocessed grief. No one had to tell me that; I could feel it.Before I left, I shared my experience with the bodyworker. I told her it was similar to feeling an orgasm slowly building in my pelvic region, but rather than it moving down and out through the genitals, the energy moved up and out of my throat. My body knew what to do. All I had to do was relax, focus my attention, continue breathing deeply, and marvel at my body’s inherent wisdom and healing power.Love, reality & griefYears later I delivered a talk to a group of cancer survivors in a local hospital. We were talking about how to use sex to help heal from the grief that comes with illness. Each woman shared her journey with cancer, each expressing how touch and pleasure eventually became an important part of their healing. I came away from that talk feeling even more deeply that sex is a healer, and when the time is right, orgasmic energy can play an important part in connecting us back to our bodies and experiencing feelings of all kinds, not just the sexy ones!There’s much to feel these days. If we slow down enough to feel it, grief surrounds us. Untimely deaths, environmental degradation, injustices, relationship breakups, unwanted change, aging… we’re all grieving, both personally and globally. Grief has taken a seat at all our tables.So where does sex fit into grief? The myth is that these two very basic human experiences are mutually exclusive. We believe we shouldn’t want sex until we’re feeling sexy and receptive, and we can’t be grieving if our bodies are turned-on and orgasmic. But this isn’t necessarily so.Everyone needs to honor their own journey through grief. Grief is not something to be measured by time. It presents itself differently for every person, but is it possible to allow grief to be part of our sexuality?Grief is an isolating experience. We become lost in our own subjective pain, and even find refuge in our retreat from society; but after some time, the need for isolation is replaced with the need for connection.When the time comes to reach out and take the hand of a caring lover, a new phase of healing begins. We can open the door and let them into our private pain.Intimacy takes on an even deeper meaning. When we let ourselves be seen in our most vulnerable and raw states, we can allow ourselves to be held and touched, and receive all the hormonal and mental benefits that touch brings. By seeing ourselves through the loving eyes of lover , our pain is shared, and our burden is eased.Pleasure never leaves us; we leave pleasure. Even when we move through difficult emotions, pleasure is always there; like a bridge over troubled water, pleasure can reconnect us to our bodies. By focusing on arousal, physical pleasure drags us out of our subjective thoughts and into the present moment. The present moment is free of the past and the future, both of which weigh heavily on us during times of grief.Letting go into pleasure, feeling the buildup of orgasmic energy, and trusting that it’s okay to let pleasure move in us, can help shift us out of the deep freeze of loss.With the use of deep breath and arousal, energy gets unstuck and our emotional armor relaxes. If you’ve ever cried during sex, you know that tears and orgasm are strangely similar in their release. They both move energy through our bodies in a way that’s physically healthy and emotionally healing.Lovers in a dangerous timeIt’s wonderful to feel the love of others in trying times, but the real power of love during grief is the giving of love, as much as the getting. We can become absorbed in grief and loss. That’s part of the grieving process as well, but when the time is right, we can turn our gaze from inward pain outward to our beloved standing by us, ready to help.Sending loving energy shifts us out of our left brain, where fight, flight, and freeze operate, into the part of our right brain that houses things like gratitude, empathy, and compassion. The act of giving love is like placing a healing balm on a wounded brain. It gives our exhausted, high-alert mind a place to rest and connect.Anyone who meditates will tell you about the clarity and emotional transcendence that comes from focused attention. Stop reading right now and place your thumb and finger together. Move them so slowly and with so much attention that you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints.Do this for a few breaths and see how long you can give your full attention to this experience. You’ve just momentarily cleared your mind of its outward thinking!Sexual pleasure draws us into our bodies and for a while puts the rest of the world on hold. Sex and orgasm offer an escape from our overly active minds. In letting go and allowing an orgasm to happen, we take a momentary leave from the weightiness of our world. In addition to clearing our minds, orgasms also move stuck energy in our bodies. If we’re carrying grief, orgasmic energy can move through us with a healing force.You don’t see grief or sad feelings in porn. You rarely see sex and grief in films or TV. Sex is usually depicted as a one-note emotional experience of passion or romance. If your partner is experiencing grief, here are some things to remember when it comes to sex and intimacy:Offer nonsexual touch and affection without expectations of anything more. Allow your partner to find their way back to sex in their own time. If they want to be sexual, keep the sexy out of it, and assure them that they don’t have to feel anything other than what they’re feeling (which is probably not very sexy).Having sex during sadness or grief is a multi-emotional experience. Emotions flow and intermingle. Tears can change into laughter and vice versa. Your partner may feel alive one moment and numb the next. The grieving partner needs to flow with whatever arises without judgment. Joining in sex with a grieving partner requires us to stay attuned to whatever feeling is present, and whatever our partner needs in that moment.Encourage them to breathe fully and relax into the pleasure of physical contact without any pressure to perform or reciprocate.Create a slow, relaxed pace so they have the time to connect to their pleasure and become aroused in their own time. Allow arousal to build slowly and gently.Be prepared for loss of erections or lack of lubrication. Our bodies know what they want. If intercourse is off the table, turn your attention to whatever feels pleasurable to your partner. Help them ask for what they want and follow their lead. There is no place to get to. This kind of lovemaking can be relaxed and meandering. Orgasms may or may not happen. Leave your agenda at the bedroom door. Incorporate breaks to share your thoughts, if needed, or simply stay silent while holding or cradling. Tears may flow. Stay in connection and encourage them to feel what they’re feeling. Be a rock when they feel unstable and let them know you’ve got them.If you are suffering from the pain of grief and want to know how to find relief, schedule a brief call with me to learn more about what’s available to you. And if you know someone who might be helped by this article, pass it on. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

In last week’s chapter of The Turned-On Couple, you learned about why it’s important to master the art of sexual initiation. I use the term “art” because with seduction and initiation there’s no formula, no one-size-fits-all script. In Pt 1 of Sexual Initiation, we learned the importance of understanding our partner’s experience and why communication matters. Mastering sexual initiation requires an understanding of desire, attunement, communication, confidence and (yes) disappointment. Let’s look next at how these elements play a role in sexual initiation. Here are some things to remember as the initiator. Start with your own desireIf we’re inviting our partner to have sex with us, we want them to feel our authentic desire. If we want our lover to say “yes,” we should say “yes” to ourselves first. If we’re in touch with our own desire, it shows, and our partner can feel it. Before you approach your partner, take some time to connect to your body. Breathe all the way down into your genitals, and start to feel what’s going on below the neck. Imagine what it would be like to lie naked next to your lover. Give yourself time to connect to your own desire.When initiation comes from your own desire, your partner will see it in the softening of our gaze, the deepening of our breath, the feel of our touch, and the sound of our voice. When you connect to your desire, you invite your lover to connect to their own desire. You’re not just guiding them into an activity like a horny teenager; you’re guiding them into a state of receptivity, of letting go. You’re inviting them into a space of desire and intimacy that you’re already occupying, by opening the door and saying, “Come on in, and join me in here.”Attune to your partner and step into confidenceNow that you’ve connected to your own desire, begin to attune to your partner. Put your phone down, close your laptop, and start to put your full attention on them. Love them up emotionally first. Offer them some nonsexual touch to guide them out of their busy minds and into their bodies. Give them time to feel your open invitation and connect to their own desire. If they are the lower desire partner, remember that arousal often comes on board with intimate, non-goal oriented touch and emotional connection. If you’re initiating, don’t be afraid to take charge. If you’re hesitant, nervous about being rejected, or feeling timid (about being seen in your desire), your partner has no lead to follow. If you’re a dance partner, you know what I mean.Initiation is where you begin to build sexual polarity and passion. Step up, take the lead, and guide your partner onto the dance floor with confidence. Your partner wants to trust that you have the skill to give them pleasure, and the passion to carry that confident energy throughout your sexual encounter. Confidence comes from within. Sexual initiation requires you to assert yourself and take the risk that you may not get what you want. We all know what it’s like to step up in other parts of our lives. Stepping up to initiate sex is no different.Be direct. Asking for what you want isn’t making a demand. It’s having the courage to share and show your desire. Being vague, beating around the bush, can come off as wishy-washy. Seduction isn’t wishy-washy: it’s clear, direct, and confident. Initiation doesn’t always have to fall on the shoulders of the higher desire partner; the lower-desire partner can initiate as well. Their invitation may have a different flavor, but their desire can be expressed just as openly and directly. Higher desire partners love to feel desired and pursued by their partner. It’s an experience they rarely get and often deeply long for.Planning is SexyIf spontaneous sex rarely happens, or if you’ve gotten into a pattern of an emotionally disengaged quickie before sleep, I encourage you to plan for sex and give it the attention it deserves.Set a day and time when you both know that you’ll have the energy, the privacy, and the intention to enjoy sharing some physical pleasure. I know for those who prefer spontaneity, planned sex sounds boring, but what’s boring is ongoing failed attempts to initiate because of all the excuses we can find to not have sex at any given spontaneous moment. Make a date with your partner for, say, Saturday at 4:00PM. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Let that plan percolate for a few days. Enjoy the anticipation. As you move through your week, you both know that Saturday at 4:00 is dedicated to intimacy. Most importantly, planning time for intimacy, interrupts the daily question of ‘is this the day sex will happen?’ This ongoing silent query creates an undercurrent of tension that is pervasive in a couple life together. Plan for intimacy, put in the books, and relax the daily wondering that looms over both the higher desire and lower desire partners. When you both put intimacy on the top of your priority list, you show each other that your relationship matters. When you show up on Saturday afternoon at 4:00, relaxed and ready to be together, you’re showing your partner that they matter.Expand your erotic menuOnce you accept that planned sex may be worth exploring, you have the added option of planning how you’re going to spend your upcoming time together.As an initiator, introduce your partner to the idea of co-creating an “erotic menu.” Building erotic menus (preferred erotic activities) together opens the door to novelty and variety, the two favorite spices that couples seek. Talk about the kind of energy you’re hoping to enjoy based on those preferred erotic activities, and this can change week to week, or day to day. Here are some examples of sexual energies: sensual, tantric, romantic, passionate, kinky. When we start to inquire into the experience we’re looking for, we can better communicate what we want and how we want to feel during sex.If you’re the one to initiate, assure your partner that you’re going to take charge in creating the environment to support the experience they’re looking for. This includes music playlist, and lighting, toys, attire, for example, all combine to create the desired set and setting.Get good at communicating about sex. If your partner isn’t fully on board with your initiation, rather than withdrawing your energy and falling into an internal negative story, get curious. Consider what might be holding them back from saying “yes.” They might not even know themselves at first, so ask them, “Is there anything that needs to change that would help you say “yes” to spending some intimate time together?”Reasons to not have sex can range from emotional blocks to practical needs like:I’m too tired, I need to sleep.I feel full and lethargic after that big meal.I’m worried about a family member.I have residual feelings about last night’s argument.The room’s not warm enough. The light’s too bright.I feel scattered and distracted.All these reasons are valid, and they’re all solvable with some communication and action. Is your initiation phrased like an all or nothing question, or do you offer alternative ways of being intimate together? Are you open to hearing what they might be a ‘yes’ to? Ask them.In an upcoming chapter we’ll talk about seduction, and why for many seduction has become a lost art that partners may have forgotten, never learned, or just gotten lazy about as they’ve adapted to more short-hand formulas of initiation. When we understand that a “no” could also mean, “not under these current conditions” we can help our partner find what they need in order to open themselves to intimacy. Initial hesitancy and resistance can sometimes be too quickly misinterpreted as a hard “no.” Don’t assume your partner is declining your initiation unless it’s clearly stated. If their “no” is clearly stated, accept their decision without emotionally disconnecting.Navigating disappointmentLearning to handle disappointment when your partner says “no” is perhaps the most important lesson of initiating. I know that may sound self-defeating, but disappointment is going to happen. It’s guaranteed!You’re in a relationship with another human being who has their own thoughts and feelings. How you handle disappointment is going to set the tone for your entire sexual dynamic. If your partner says no to your initiation and your pattern is to withdraw, get moody, or lash out, then you’re punishing your partner for saying “no.” If your partner expects to be emotionally punished for declining your invitation, you’re linking sex to a negative experience. Using emotional punishment against your partner only encourages your partner to feel resentful and obliged to have sex in order to avoid negative emotions. Obligatory sex is not a turn-on for either partner, and a sexless relationship is often born out of this negative dynamic. Turn this around by stepping out of the emotional patterns that trigger each other when an initiation is rejected. Let go of the myth that sex is supposed to just happen spontaneously with the same passion and focus as when you first got together.If you feel stuck in an ongoing negative pattern when it come to initiation then an honest conversation needs to happen, initiate that instead (when the time is right and nervous systems are calm). If one or both of you suspect that excuses are being used to avoid tougher challenges (like a general lack of desire or a loss of attraction, or all the other reasons that can lead to a ‘no’) coaching can help facilitate conversations to move beyond these blocks.Let’s do a quick recap:* Stop what’s not working and start to explore new approaches to initiation.* Prioritize and bring intention to your intimacy by putting it in your calendar. * Find your inner confidence and step into a leadership role. * Connect to and show your own desire.* Attune to your partner, and assess how to support them in getting what they need to be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to sex.* Communicate openly and honestly about both of your desires.* Disap

What is polarity?Equal and opposite energies are found in every part of nature. Cause and effect, Yin and Yang, masculine and feminine, initiating and yielding, giving and receiving, leading and following, light and dark. Each opposite plays its role in forming the whole.Most of us flow easily between these roles. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner, and the next we’re giving directives to the babysitter or describing how we want our meal prepared in a restaurant.When we stand in line for our morning coffee, we’re know very well what’s necessary to get our coffee. When we give our coffee order, we’re guiding the barista in how to make a coffee that pleases us. Neither you nor the barista is superior to the other. You’re equal parts in an overarching mutual agreement to meet both of your needs: you get your coffee and she gets her paycheck. Unless there’s a noted undercurrent of attraction between you and the barista, this isn’t an erotically charged instance of polarity, unlike the polarity of leading and following that’s inherent in a romantic relationship.Polarity & passionPolarity is necessary in keeping passion alive. It’s the yin and yang of a union, reflecting the opposite and equal energies found everywhere in our natural world and cosmos. Polarity magnetically draws opposing sides toward the creation of a whole. Neither side is superior or more powerful; the equal and opposite masculine and feminine aspects of our human nature reside in all of us.Couples who have discovered their authentic sexual polarity will often maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom; tend to see each other through “lover’s eyes”; tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day; more easily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated; share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a loving squeeze of the butt; text sexy thoughts from the office in anticipation of a planned playdate; and enjoy high degrees of sexual confidence.If you’re familiar with Dr. Sue Johnson’s attachment style teachings, they’ll both experience the secure attachment a strong connection brings.A couple lacking polarity might describe their relationship by saying:“I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers,”“Neither of us feel motivated to be sexual anymore,”“It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex,”“Our relationship has become platonic, like we’re brother and sister,”“We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery,”“We have sex but it feels awkward and stilted,”“We both want to initiate so we’re trying to please each other at the same time,” or “We both want to be seduced so neither of us will initiate something.”I often hear couples describe their partner as their best friend. On the surface this sounds idyllic. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual dynamic that creates desire, lustful anticipation for erotic escapes, and the excitement of viewing your partner through a lover’s lens. Without the polarity of opposites, couples can settle into a sameness that creates comfort, security, and an intimacy that feels almost familial. Sooner or later, attraction is replaced with a brotherly or sisterly relating that can deaden the spark of desire or at least give it a back seat in intimacy. What was once sexual attraction coming from equal and opposite energies now feels unmotivated and predictable, lacking the tension of that polar pull. When it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic friction that makes passion come alive. Sexual polarity thrives in the play of opposites: leader and follower, pursuer and pursued, directive masculine energy and receptive feminine energy.Masculine vs feminine energyGender has little to do with polarity. Everyone, regardless of gender, embodies masculine/yang energy and feminine/yin energy. As we slowly chip away at society’s gender biases, we’re learning to identify where we fall on the broad spectrum of masculine and feminine energy. Finding balance within our inherent masculine/feminine energy helps partners recognize and accept how to support polarity within themselves and in their relationship. The more we understand who we are energetically, the more we can loosen the grip of gender stereotypes that don’t necessarily reflect our experience.The CEO who spends their days in a masculine, directive role may long to relinquish control and be told what to do. The nurturer who spends their days in a more feminine energy, taking care of and submitting to the requests of others, may long to take the reins and be in charge. When we accept who we authentically are on the scale of masculine and feminine energy, we start to understand our own internal polarity. We can then explore how sexual polarity can shift the dynamic in our relationship.Your authentic path to polarity: A case studyWhen Brad and Jenna came to see me for their first coaching session, they expressed the number one most common complaint I hear from long-term couples: They’d lost sexual desire and attraction. They both felt it was Brad’s problem. Jenna wanted Brad to be more assertive with her in the bedroom. And Brad had no idea how to invoke the kind of energy. Because of this disconnect, sex had become routine and predictably unsatisfying. They were often left in the void of what was missing, and the silent disappointment that it might never change.This led to resentment that impacted other parts of their relationship. It strained their patience with each other’s shortcomings. Bickering became a daily routine.Jenna found her attention drifting to men who embodied the kind of energy she was missing in Brad. She confessed to me that she felt dangerously close to secretly seeking that energy outside of the relationship. Jenna’s work as a lawyer required her to be solidly planted in her masculine energy. When she got home from work, she brought that same level of directive energy to her family life, and her relationship. She felt the need to call the shots, make the decisions, and lead the way. It didn’t take me long to observe that Jenna’s own masculine energy was preventing Brad from finding his own masculine energy in the relationship.As long as she was taking the reins in and out of the bedroom, Brad was inclined to assume the polar role with a more submissive demeanor of wanting to please and be of service. You can see where this led: This only solidified Jenna’s own need to be in the directive role and undermined her respect for Brad. Their relationship had polarity but not in a way that they wanted.The shift back to polarity for Jenna and Brad didn’t happen on just a conceptual level: it came about through somatic exercises that connected both to parts of themselves that had gone dormant. By playing with erotic power through tools such as archetypes, physical experiencing, and roleplay, they found their polarities beginning to shift. As Jenna relaxed the more masculine energy she needed in her work environment and felt safe enough to embody her more feminine side at home. She stopped focusing on Brad’s deficits and began to trust his decisions and directives. In turn, Brad began to embrace his sexual desire for his own pleasure rather than the need to please Jenna. This strengthened his capacity to confidently take charge. Jenna could let go and enjoy being ravished by Brad, while Brad was being fed by her receptivity and desire. They found a dynamic that fueled their desire and the attraction of opposing energies.In time, their undercurrent of resentment and daily competition made way for an appreciation and respect for each other’s new roles. They learned that it’s not about trying to become someone other than their true selves but rather connecting with parts of themselves they’d abandoned over the years.In conclusion, we all embody both masculine and feminine energy. Today most of us accept that gender is no longer a strictly binary concept, but rather a broad spectrum of energies. When we accept our place on this spectrum of masculine/feminine energy we can explore different sides of ourselves in relationship to our partners. While unhealthy relationship dynamics are formed unconsciously, healthy dynamics can be formed with intention.What is the dance of polarity in your relationship? Are you in the flow of your dance, or are you stepping on each other’s toes?Private coaching is the most direct route to growth and change. Reach out if you want to learn how relationship and intimacy coaching can help.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex and stress do not make happy bedmates. That’s a biological fact.Human suffering, illness, politics, environmental issues, human rights violations, and finances are just some of our stressors. Bad news often comes at us from all directions; conversations with family and friends inevitably end up processing that bad news. Even in our happy moments, the undercurrent of stress may always be present.Biologically, stress is killing our sex drives. Our emotional and physical stress is activating our “fight or flight” reflex, which reduces blood flow to our genitals and muddies our minds with anxious thoughts.The release of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline depresses testosterone levels. A reduction in the neurotransmitters that produce feelings of well-being increases our risk of depression and anxiety. This all undermines erections and orgasms.Researchers with the Massachusetts Male Aging Study have an ongoing investigation of 1,709 people. It concludes that men who suffer from stress are almost twice as likely to experience E.D. (erectile dysfunction). Stressed-out men (and women) shut down around sex.Our bodies are not designed to encourage sexual thoughts when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. We can’t just reason ourselves out of being in fight or flight mode. Our bodies were built for stress: stress warns us of danger; it helps keep us alive. But our bodies were not built to live with the ongoing high stress levels we all experience today.So, what to do. As the Stoics say, don’t focus on what you can’t change, focus on what you can change in your response to it. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it, and not let it dictate our sexual desire.Here are some things to do to step off the stress wheel regularly and signal to your body that it’s safe to relax for a while and turn your attention to what’s pleasurable. (Print this out. Put it on your fridge. Remind yourselves every day that you can choose to lower your stress levels regularly, and you can do it together.)Stress buster 1: Tell it like it isAcknowledging that stress is at war with our sexual desire is the first step to lighten the load of our judgment of ourselves and each other.Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about your current sexual frequency. Share how stress impacts your sexual desire and reassure your partner that your loss of desire has nothing to do with them personally. Don’t assume they know this. We all need to be reminded that we’re sexually desirable and loved. Words go a long way to calm insecurities when it comes to sex.Stress buster 2: Plan time for sexI can’t say this enough. Don’t get stuck in the rut of letting the days go by hoping you or your partner will be in the mood to initiate intimacy.Agree that sex is important enough to prioritize. Put yourself in the room and trust that your initial resistance will fade away as you start to slow down, breathe deeply and drop in.Rather than making intercourse your goal, be open to whatever your intimate time together will bring. Just agree that for a set period of time your bodies will be in contact, one way or another and everything else will follow. Touch, massage, hug, cradle, share. Make intimacy your goal rather than an orgasm.Stress buster 3: Touch and be touchedDon’t be afraid to ask for what you want from your partner. Ask for a massage or a shoulder rub or an extended hug, especially if that’s what helps you relax. Offer to give one in return with no strings attached. Being in close proximity to our lover’s body produces a host of feel-good hormones. Take advantage of it and get up close.Stress buster 4: Orgasms are powerfulGoal-oriented sex can hinder our sexual experience and exploration. And… there’s a reason many of us place them on the top of our sexual agenda. Orgasms flood our brains with oxytocin. They are nature’s antidote to high levels of cortisol, and that’s why masturbation is such a common sleep aid.We now understand the profound impact orgasms have on our mental/ emotional state. Whether you’re alone or with a partner, orgasms are abundant and free. Include them in your wellness practice as a sure-fire way to lower your stress levels and keep your sexual energy flowing. Stress buster 5: Exercise dailyWe all know how good it feels to know we’re giving our body what it needs to be healthy and vital. While sex and stress don’t jive, sex and exercise make a great pair. Move your body daily. You’ll sleep better and your stress levels will drop. Use a brisk walk or run to prepare for intimacy and get your blood flowing to all the right places.Stress buster 6: Stop, look, and listenIf you need a quick fix for the stress of a busy mind, use your five senses to drag your attention out of your chronic thinking and into your physical experiences. Our five senses; sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing are constantly feeding us present-time information. They show us what’s beautiful, what smells good, what feels good against our skin, what tastes delicious. The problem is we’re usually just not listening. We’re stuck in past or future thoughts.It takes a nanosecond to notice that your mind is somewhere other than where you are, and another nanosecond to drop your attention into your body where you actually live and breathe. Your body is where you experience pleasure, so tune in to your senses and enjoy what your body is telling you.Stress Buster 7: Laugh therapyLaughter and sex have a lot in common: they both strengthen neural pathways in the brain, building a feeling of closeness in a relationship.They support intimacy and connection with our partner by flooding our brains with dopamine. When we laugh, we can literally feel the stress leave our body. Our state is instantly lightened. So, look for humor throughout your day. It may not always be obvious but it’s there, waiting to be shared.Put on a favorite stand-up act, watch a comedy on Netflix, laugh out loud together, and let the good times roll… right into the bedroom.(If my writing brings value to your life and relationship hit the like button and let me know how you manage daily stresses with your partner. )The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Mismatched desire is the number one challenge my clients bring to me for resolution. Statistically, if you’re part of a couple, there’s an 80% chance you have experienced this or are experiencing this in your relationship right now. “We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why.”These clients don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it. It usually starts with accusations that it’s their partner’s fault. Clients blame their lack of sex on their partner’s loss of desire and interest.There’s a common progression in this scenario. After some weeks, months, or years of initiating sex without feeling any desire reflected back to them, these partners get to the point of no longer asking. Instead they find their own ways to avoid sex and begin shutting down emotionally. Resentment sets in and creates an undercurrent of withholding and tension in the relationship. This shows itself as irritability, angry outbursts, or passive aggressive behavior, all of which undermine intimacy and attraction, the very thing they long for.One of my first questions is, “Have you had an honest and open conversation about your sex life and why your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?”“No,” is the typical answer.“Why not?” I’ll ask them.“Because I know why. They’re not interested in sex anymore.” Sometimes the hardest part of sex is talking about it in a way that’s curious, open, and solution focused. For that to happen higher desire partners need to move beyond their sense of (fill in the blank: betrayal, sadness, punishment, withholding, avoidance, denial)These feelings are understandable. It’s scary to lose your partner’s desire. What if they’re not attracted to me anymore? What if they’ve found someone else they desire? What if we never get our sex life back again? What if our relationship is over? It becomes a rabbit hole of catastrophising and ‘what ifs’ that sinks deeper and deeper into subjective despair, shame, and resentment.In this mindset, higher desire partners may make a decision to step away from their partner and redirect they’re sexual energy to porn, promiscuity, paid sex (on or offline), or masturbation as their primary sexual outlet. No more failed initiations, no more conversations that lead to conflict, they close the door on trying, leaving both them and their partner feeling abandoned in a mess of unresolved emotions.Shame becomes part of both partner’s experiences. One has shame because they no longer feel desired by the person they love, and the other feels shame because they know they’re not meeting the needs of the person they love and care about. Shame is isolating. It thrives in silence. It eats away at our self-esteem and tells us we’re unlovable. Couples end up arguing about porn consumption or promiscuity instead of what’s happening in their sex life.It’s easier to point the finger at the symptoms than to speak honestly about the source of the problem: desireWhat many couple don’t understand or perhaps believe is there’s a way out of this rabbit hole that starts with an honest and vulnerable dialogue. That means no blaming, no defending, no presumptions, no accusations! It means remembering that you are one couple in many who are simply facing a crossroad and an opportunity to grow.Discussing sexual challenges is one of the most vulnerable conversations we can have with our partner, and when done well, it can be one of the most transformational events for a couple’s relationship Learn the tools to become effective communicators, compassionate listeners, and more curious friends and partners.You can do this by first, sincerely wanting change in your sex life, and two, finding the support of a coach or therapist trained in sexuality. In upcoming chapters of The Turned-On Couple we’ll delve deeper into unraveling this common challenge. If you’re ready to align with a professional who can guide you in this journey back to desire, schedule a conversation with me and learn more about how sex and relationship coaching can reset your sex life. Are you currently one of the 80%? p.s. if this post if valuable to you, give it some love by giving it a ‘like’. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

No matter how dry your sex life is right now, there’s a path forward for you as a couple. Like anything in nature, change is constant; everything has an ebb and flow, an expansion and contraction, a rising and falling. Yet when it comes to sex and intimacy, ebbs and flows leave us feeling confounded and insecure.If you asked 100 couples if they’ve ever been through a sexual drought, 90 percent of them would say “YES.” Children, travel, sickness, stress, distance, and hormones all play their part in reducing sexual frequency. Based on this 90 percent statistic, you could almost say that it’s expected that in a long-term relationship sex will wane, at least for periods of time.Why then do so many couples get broadsided when their sexual frequency drops off?First, we equate a sexual drought with a broken relationship. Second, no one prepares us for it or gives us solid advice to move out of a drought.When sex becomes very infrequent or nonexistent for periods of time, our fears and insecurities get the best of us. We build negative stories around our situation and imagine the worst. Next, we do what most of us do when it comes to sex: we don’t talk about it.Our stories might be something like:* My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.* My desires don’t matter.* Sex goes away in most long-term relationships.* My partner is interested in someone else.* My partner doesn’t love me like that anymore.These are devastating stories we tell ourselves, leaving us feeling hopeless, resentful, afraid, and unworthy. Our internal negative stories fuel the emotional divide. Ironically, our stories erode the very intimacy and connection that lay the foundation for sex to happen. Unless we learn to talk about sex openly and honestly, without blame or projection, we can slip into sexual inertia.And here’s the thing… Nature has an indisputable law when it comes to inertia, which is: Objects remains at rest, or in uniform motion in the same straight line, unless acted upon by some external force.A sexual drought is a form of inertia, and unless some external force acts upon it, it will remain as is.So you need to apply some external forces to shift this sexual inertia. The first and foremost external force is the simple act of acknowledgement.A couple can sit down together and acknowledge that their sex life is in a state of inertia. They can then ask each other (and themselves) how they feel about that fact. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexual frequency. If both partners are content with less sex, but enjoy it when it happens, then that’s the right frequency for them. Every relationship is unique. If both partners agree that they want the frequency to change, this is the matter to explore. This is where you can come together as a team and share your thoughts, with one caveat: No blaming or finger pointing allowed!Stay curious as to what derailed your sex life. Was it the birth of your second child? Was it family stress? Career pressure?If the cause of inertia is related to the quality of sex rather than the quantity, then a different conversation needs to happen. (And this is where some coaching could help.) If you both agree that more frequent sex is important for your relationship, follow these seven steps:Step 1: Acknowledge the origin of your shift in sexual frequency, and the reality that sexual inertia has set in. Remember the other 90 percent of couples just like you. You’re not alone and your relationship is not broken.Step 2: Share your feelings about it without blaming your partner. For example, you could say, “I miss being with you sexually. I miss feeling close to you.” Or “I’d love to work together to make sex a priority in our lives again!” There are lots of loving, romantic, and appreciative ways to tell your partner you miss having sex with them. Let them hear it.Step 3: Agree to re-approach sex gradually, if it’s been a bit of a hiatus. Start with nonsexual touching. Many couples end up avoiding any kind of touch, if they’re in a sexual drought. Connect in simple ways like walking arm-in-arm, dancing, or engaging in partner yoga. Exercise and breathe together. Rediscover your natural polarity. Start to get intimate again with each other’s bodies, without any sexual goal, and enjoy the journey of sensual touch and massage to awaken desire. As you revisit sensual touching, agree that it won’t lead to sex. See what it feels like to take expectations off the table for now.Step 4: Returning to sex after some time away can be awkward. Acknowledge that awkwardness might be part of your experience at first. Once you acknowledge it, it’s less intimidating and can even be humorous. Be patient as you both start to rediscover some ease and flow in your sexuality. Don’t worry, you’ll get there!Step 5: Come to an agreement on your preferred sexual frequency. Remember, a willing, enthusiastic partner creates the kind of quality sex that makes up for quantity. If there’s a discrepancy in frequency, meet in the middle. Putting pressure on a partner to have sex with you is not sexy and fuels the divide.Step 6: Make an agreement with each other that if you notice your sex life starting to dry up again, you’ll both acknowledge it and nip it in the bud while keeping these seven steps in mind. Don’t create stories that fuel your discontent! Talking honestly about sex can be as easy as talking about lunch. Let go of defensiveness and negative presumptions. Sex is a natural part of an intimate relationship that requires attention and awareness. Treat it that way.Step 7: Going forward, prioritize sex by planning sex. Make a date and keep your promise to show up with full presence. Couples who plan their sex dates are far more likely to avoid the slippery slope back into a state of drought.If sexual inertia is paying a visit, come together as a team and decide what external force you’re going to introduce in order to shift out of the state of rest and back into the state of play.Most of us are having the same sex since we were in high school. I coach couples in the kind of adult sex education that transforms sex lives. There’s so much more to learn about our pleasure and our partner’s pleasure. Reach out if this kind of learning is what your relationship needs. I work on Zoom with couples from anywhere in the world. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This is a milestone post as it’s the final chapter of Part 1 of The Turned-On Couple (relationships). In Part 2 we’ll be moving into the subject of desire, the what, whys and hows of desire in long-term relationships.Burning Man 2025 is around the corner. This year I’m packing up my partner and sending him off for his own experience in our Post Office camp. After 5 years, I’m taking a hiatus and embracing two weeks of fasting from our companionship, including no phone calls. No contact for two weeks is a rare experience in our interconnected world where everyone is only a text away, 24/7. Much like food fasting, contact fasting can reset the system and clear out the cobwebs of overfamiliarity.I wrote this chapter last year post-Burning Man. It’s about the importance of play, and why play isn’t just for fun. It’s for relationship resilience, transcendence, challenges and adventure, all necessary ingredients for a thriving, connected partnership. My partner and I pulled into our driveway in a cloud of playa dust, direct from the festival known as Burning Man, feeling enlivened, enriched, and exhausted. Every year we embrace the challenge that comes with high heat, dust storms, and late nights, as part of the fully immersive experience in the middle of the Nevada Desert.What brings tens of thousands to this wild, unpredictable, uninhabitable place every year? I believe it’s the desire to immerse ourselves in the wonder of play again, with the same spirit and curiosity we did as children.Most of Burning Man’s long-held principles lend themselves to play by promoting cooperation, inclusion, radical self-expression, generosity, and open-hearted presence. All the elements of life with which every one of us is born and that we intuitively understand as children. Play is a reset button for our over-stressed, news-saturated, time-pressured adult minds.Most couples I work with will readily admit that play is not something they experience on a regular basis. Life has become too busy. There’s barely enough time to be alone to talk, much less play! Our time has become more about schedules, finances, work, family, and errands. We wake up planning our busy days and fall into bed drained. One of the casualties of growing up is our ability to embrace play for its own sake, to seek out joyful moments for no other reason than to be present in the moment and have fun together.Playing on the PlayaOne of our neighbors on the playa (meaning ‘beach’ in Spanish) was a couple in their early fifties who are parents of three kids in college. When I asked if they ever bring their kids to Burning Man, they said, emphatically, “No!”Burning Man is their time to be alone together and enjoy an adventure as a couple, not parents. They looked and acted more as they did at the age when they met, twenty five years ago. They dressed in colorful outfits that expressed their playful sides and laid-back attitudes. Burning Man was their annual escape to reconnect, having nothing more to do than be together in a mood of exploration and adventure. Each day we’d watch them hop on their bikes and head off, returning late into the night with smiles and stories to share.When couples give each other permission to play together, they acknowledge that their relationship is a place to engage their imaginations and embrace parts of themselves they may have left behind along the way. Play for its own sake is not a trivial, unnecessary activity. Play is foundational to maintaining a happy, growing relationship. (Read that sentence again, out loud!) When we invite joyful, carefree moments into our time with our partner, we experience the childlike essence behind the busy adult, and the inherent joy in living.If the idea of play seems like a distant memory in your relationship, maybe it’s time to sit down and talk about it! What activities would bring out playfulness in you as a couple? Is it learning how to partner dance? Or sharing a new sport? Is it hitting the road to commune with nature? Is it camping around a fire with friends? Or laughing together at a local comedy club? Is it starting a 2000-piece puzzle? Or pulling out a Jenga tower?Of course, we can bring play into the bedroom as well, using our imagination to explore our erotic personas and engage with our partner through a different lens. Couples who enjoy roleplay appreciate the experience of stepping out of the norm and embracing alternative ways of relating to each other erotically. (More on that later in the Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple.)A few years ago a client of mine discovered a side of herself that loved to pretend she was still in college, before the kids, the job, and the mortgage, the payments. She gave that part of her the name Sassy. Her partner loved spending time with Sassy. When she brought Sassy out to play, her partner felt invited into a more carefree space as well. The presence of Sassy was the signal that conversations about adult worries were put on hold, and play was the focus.Bringing play into your relationship is a team effort. In order to let ourselves feel playful, we need to feel supported by our partner. We can give each other permission to make the great escape from adult demands.Trust that your partner has your back in new adventures. Be patient with each other as you try out new ways of being playful together.Be courageous by stepping into your more child-like enthusiasm, out of your adult responsibilities and let go into a more child-like enjoyment.Attune to your partner, to create a shared experience. Collaborate in designing the play that you’re creating together.Cooperate to bring that vision into being, whether that’s riding your bikes through the sights and sounds of Burning Man, planning a vacation full of new experiences, or sneaking off for a night in a hotel room with tickets to your favorite live concert.Be happy; nothing is in controlOne of the challenges of creating play at Burning Man was trying to set up camp during two days of winds and dust storms. I have memories of holding onto the end of a 15-foot square tarp, trying not to be swept off my feet with gusts of 30 mph winds. By the end of that day, we lay exhausted, laughing about what we had to overcome to get settled, and feeling unified in our shared victory.Playfulness requires full participation and presence, requiring us to relinquish the control we cling to in our day-to-day lives. Play can push us out of the comfort zone of familiarity. It asks us to put our phones down and forget about timelines. Play challenges our rigid, adult expectations of right and wrong, or yes and no.One of the most important transitions I make at Burning Man usually comes within the first three days, when I’m confronted with my need to control circumstances and surroundings. It’s in that confrontation where the true reset can begin. Letting go of control and going with the flow is the gift that play gives us.There’s a science behind play. It’s been shown to release endorphins and improve brain functionality. It stimulates creativity and, of course, increases our feelings of well-being. New forms of play introduce into our relationships the much-needed experiences of novelty and mystery, two of the necessary ingredients for a vibrant, growing relationship.When a couple engages in the novelty of new experiences, their brains produce all the love hormones that support bonding and closeness.Oxytocin comes from the attraction of seeing our partner with fresh eyes as we engage in new experiences that bring out their joyfulness.Vasopressin helps us mobilize physically and emotionally to take on new adventures. Phenylethylamine is another love hormone responsible for releasing adrenaline that comes from new experiences.Dopamine comes from the bonding and closeness of sharing those new experiences.All these love hormones combine to make a cocktail of powerful feelings. In other words, when we introduce novel ways of playing together Mother Nature supplies us with everything we need to feel happy and in love with our partner.New experiences can be as simple as trying out indoor rock climbing, visiting an Escape Room, or jumping on a local zip line in the woods. If a couple comes to see me complaining of low desire or boredom, we talk about the importance of keeping novelty and mystery alive in their relationship. These two ingredients help produce the chemical soup that reawakens desire between partners. Sit down with your partner and talk about what play means in your relationship. Take a break from this crazy adult world. You can be sure it’ll be here when you get back from your personal playground, feeling renewed, engaged, and happily exhausted.Please support my writing by ‘liking’ this article. If my writing brings value to your relationship, consider becoming a paid member for $5/mo Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I once sat in on a group conversation about jealousy. The attendees were made up mostly of people in polyamorous and open relationships. For this group, jealousy is an emotion that requires honest investigation to successfully live their chosen relationship models. Those who choose to have multiple partners necessarily need to learn how to manage jealousy by working together with their partners to minimize it. It’s not an easy task, but it’s part of the territory if you want to step outside of the agreements that usually come with monogamy.Alternative relationship models look at jealousy with fresh eyes. They acknowledge the complexity and challenge of this subject but approach it with a desire to deconstruct the destructive impacts jealousy can have.These couples talk about the challenges of jealousy openly; they set clear boundaries to help manage it, but most importantly they shine a bright light on an aspect of coupledom that usually lurks in the shadows, filled with judgment, shame, and conflict.I consider relationship jealousy to be one of the more painful emotional challenges, regardless of your chosen relationship model. No one teaches us how to protect ourselves from the agonizing grip of jealousy.In full force, jealousy is emotionally (and physically) overwhelming. It not only cuts to our deepest fear of not being loved but, on a very primal level, jealousy is a warning sign that even our physical survival could be threatened if we were to lose our partner to another.If jealousy triggers the survival part of our brain into “fight or flight,” it’s understandable that jealousy can cause us to act from a highly stressed state of emotions such as anxiety, fear, and anger. It’s also understandable that we may say and think things that don’t reflect our “best selves.” In a triggered state, we have no access to grounded logic or effective problem solving until we reengage our frontal cortex and regulate ourselves back into a calmer state of mind. Returning to emotional regulation may start by taking a more objective look at jealousy as a natural part of who we are based on our past experiences or wounding. Developing compassion for our feelings is the first step in calming our triggered instinctual brains.Our core attachment wounds often play a big role in our experience of jealousy. Here are just a few:Depending on validation and feeling specialThe fear being aloneSeeing life through the eyes of loss and scarcity Comparing ourselves to others and doubting our own worth Being afraid of rejection and anxiously seeking belonging(I’ll add a caveat here that if you have good reason to be jealous based on real-life events such as infidelity or being lied to, then you and your partner have work ahead to repair that damage and build trust again. Many couples come through these ruptures with more honesty and intimacy than they had previously.)If you acknowledge that jealousy strains your relationship, and you’d like to work as a team with your partner to manage it, here are some suggestions to start domesticating that beast.Talk it out. The hardest thing to do is admit that you’re jealous, without blaming your partner for making you feel that way. “I feel jealous right now. Can you help me through it?” It’s a vulnerable confession that deserves a compassionate, undefended response.Help your partner feel safe enough to share their feelings and fears. Listen to the story they’re telling themselves with compassion rather than defending yourself or immediately try to fix it. They may feel some shame in admitting their jealousy, but sharing their story and confessing their fears can help them feel heard, and sharing can calm their nervous system. Empathize with what they’re feeling. If you’ve ever been jealous yourself, remember the pain of that emotion and put yourself in their shoes.Reassure them. After they feel heard by you, consider what your partner might need to hear from you to help them find a healthy security in the relationship. What can you say to reassure them that you’re on their side? Express your love and commitment to the relationship. Remind them of the strength of your relationship, your attraction to them, and your desire to honor your agreed-upon boundaries.Remember your agreements. When you’re both in a calm state of mind, sit down and talk about your agreements and the boundaries in your relationship. Some couples bypass this conversation, assuming their partner should just know what is and isn’t appropriate. Don’t assume you’re on the same page. Every relationship is unique and talking about how you conduct yourself around others is the only way you can discover what helps your partner’s sense of security. If you’re a people pleaser you may find yourself over-extending your agreements to appease their discomfort, so be honest and trust that your relationship is strong enough to hold the truth! Build trust. Trust is both given in good faith and earned over time.Our reassuring words are helpful in a challenging moment, but our actions are what lay the foundation for real trust. Keep your word. Do what you say you’ll do. Agreements aren’t written in stone; they can be changed if one or both of you feel the need for that change. However, breaking agreements without conversation or consent can cause a rupture. Stay current and honest with your needs and work as a team to support each other’s sense of security in the relationship. Of course, this applies to any relationship model, whether it’s an open or closed relationship, agreements matter.If you feel like you’re in a good place together, sit down and have a conversation about jealousy. Acknowledge the pain of jealousy and share the impact it’s had in your life. Perhaps you don’t see yourself as a jealous person, in which case this subject may not hold any charge for you. If so, work extra hard to stay empathetic with a partner who does identify as jealous. We all have our beasts to battle on occasion, and being there to support our partner on the front lines is what a good relationship is all about.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

On a trip to the snowy woods of Northern Wisconsin, I curled up in front of a fire to read a book on Japanese folk religions, a fitting subject for a natural environment that evokes stillness and silence in a busy mind.The Japanese culture is synonymous with ritual, particularly ritual tied to nature’s rhythm and beauty. Shrines, festivals, purification rites, ceremonies, and ancestral veneration all bring meaning to Japanese life and culture. Rituals invite us to go deeper: deeper into the meaning behind our actions. They speak to a part of us that honors the power of intention.What “rituals” exist in your life and relationship right now? Is there a ritual that, given more conscious intention, could deepen your connection with love and life?Our lives are filled with rituals we inherited from our upbringing, as well as rituals we create that are unique to our own lives. Even the most mundane daily activities — like sharing a morning coffee or lighting a candle at dinner — can be elevated into a ritual by empowering the purpose of that activity.A common ritual is putting aside quality time to be intimate, both physically and emotionally. “Quality time” can last a weekend, an evening, an hour or even a moment. If partners acknowledge the intention of being together, they can turn a simple hug into a ritual. If a couple agrees that the purpose of an extended hug is to drop into a connected space of appreciation and love, then a hugging ritual is born!If serving a cup of tea to your partner is done with the full intention to offer that cup with all your love, in service to their pleasure, then you have brought ritual to that ordinary daily gesture. If opening the car door for your partner is a ritual, you accept that service as a reminder to show your appreciation, and you do it with full attention and a smile. By visiting a beautiful vista that has meaning to you as a couple, you can share the intention of renewing your connection. When we agree to express three things we’re grateful before we go to sleep at night, we bring a ritual of positivity and fullness into our slumber.What moments in your relationship deserve to be ritualized and honored?I encourage couples to explore rituals in the bedroom. By preparing the room for intimacy by using lighting, music, scent, and fabric, we transform our intimate preparation into ritual. By showering or bathing, shaving, and performing other hygienic activities, we create the ritual of offering our bodies to our beloved and receiving their body in return.Here’s a suggestion: When you enter that prepared intimate space, light a candle together, and speak your intention for that time together:“My intention is to be here with you completely, and let go of all the mental chatter in my head.”“My intention is to feel my love and appreciation for having sometime alone with you.”“My intention is to relax, let go, and receive pleasure.”When we can identify and speak our intention, it empowers us to make it so. When we hear our partner’s intention, we can support them in making it so.Rituals have been an integral part of human life throughout history. These days many people have moved away from traditional rituals or forgotten the importance of creating new ones. Reengage rituals into your life as a couple and a family, start by having a conversation with your partner and decide what simple rituals can transform a mundane moment into one of meaning and loving intention. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

My partner and I are about halfway through a six-week road trip from San Francisco to Vancouver Island. We’re living, working, and adventuring out of a 19x6 foot camper van we built ourselves, complete with a bed, a tiny kitchen, and just enough space to bump into each other 47 times a day. Thanks to Starlink, we’re still connected to the internet (and the rest of the world), but staying connected to each other is the real challenge these days.Everywhere we go, we see other couples camped out at national parks, arguing over directions, laughing over takeout, or silently eating snacks with thousand-yard stares. It makes me think: being happy together on the road takes real intention. There’s no “I need a minute” room to escape to. You’ve got to figure things out together, in tight quarters, often while hungry and trying to find the nearest bathroom.And let’s be real: emotions can run high when you’re navigating new places, spotty GPS signals, and the occasional existential crisis mid-mountain pass. We’ve had our moments like when someone (I won’t name names) forgot to close the roof vent before a downpour, and it’s made me realize how important it is to know how to support your partner when they’re in a mood.So, if you’re traveling, living in close quarters, or just trying to be a better listener in general, here’s some advice we’ve learned the hard way. These three steps can help you show up for your partner when they need to vent, no tools required, except maybe deep breaths and a bit of emotional generosity.The next time your partner is letting loose and expressing their fear of uncertainty (or frustration with family dynamics, work-related anxiety, existential angst, grief of loss, overwhelm from the “new normal,” or any other challenging emotion) say these words to yourself: “I don’t have to try to fix this right now.”Then take a breath and plant your feet in place like a massive tree in the forest. Tell yourself you’re going to hold the space for your partner’s emotional storm to pass without reacting, defending, accusing or all the other egoic traps we fall into for fear of feeling wrong. Your job, or rather your opportunity, is to meet the moment with emotional generosity.I’ve coached men in doing this for their female partners, but it works both ways. No one is immune to overwhelm, and we can take turns showing up for each other in ways that make space for emotions that need to come out. If you’re a “fixer” (and most of us are) and your partner starts to unleash their emotions, you probably feel immediate stress in your body. Your mind starts to race toward possible solutions before they’ve even finished speaking. You’re no longer really listening while your brain scans for something to say, suggest, or act upon. You want to fix their problem because you love them and because you want the storm to stop.But here’s the thing: While you’re racking your brain with strategies and solutions to calm your partner down, you’re bypassing what they need the most right then and there, which is your attention. So, after you remind yourself that you don’t have to fix their problem, step out of fix-it mode and turn toward them with your whole body. Listen to the words coming out of their mouth. Make eye contact and show them they have your loving attention.This is where you become the tree that withstands the storm. You ground yourself deep into the earth and bring that strong presence to your partner. In that moment they need nothing more than to speak those words to someone who’s letting them do just that. They need to express themselves, to move that energy out of their body, to feel what they’re feeling and be witnessed in it.Next, show empathy for what they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their perspective if it’s not yours. You’re empathizing with their feelings, not the content of their story. Showing empathy simply acknowledges that your partner is feeling something difficult. When we empathize with another, we attune to their experience and feelings. We’re looking inside of ourselves and connecting to that same feeling. Empathy is an active and intentional response to another person’s feelings. Teresa Wiseman, a nurse scholar who studies empathy, explains it like this:“Empathy is perspective taking. It’s the ability to take the perspective of another person. It’s recognizing feelings in other people and then communicating that recognition back to them.”These are great skills to bring to any relationship when emotional storms arise. Imagine what it’s like to be them in that moment. Put yourself in their place, and now respond from there. You might say something like,“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. That must be difficult for you. Tell me more about that.” And mean it! Listen until they feel like they’ve said everything. If you feel more questions will help, use questions to guide them away from details and toward their feelings. “How did that make you feel in that moment?” you might ask. These are the questions that will help them connect to what’s below the surface emotions. If you’re truly listening with interest, they’ll feel heard. And in the end, no matter what the problem is, we all want to feel like someone hears us and cares.You’ll know when your partner feels heard. Their body will tell you! They’ll start to slow down, their nervous system will calm, and they’ll begin to breathe more deeply. Once they feel heard, they’ll start to drop down into the deeper, more vulnerable feelings that underlie the overwhelm. This is what you want to support. Show them that they can lean on you (literally).At this point you can offer some physical comfort. Let them feel that you’ve got them. Touch their arm. Hold them. Cradle them. Massage their feet or shoulders. Touch calms and nurtures us. In fact, sometimes touch is all we need to begin to let go and relax.Once you’ve helped them back to a calmer, more centered place, maybe it’s time to help them consider solutions to their problem (if they’re solvable). But unless you master the skills of helping your partner feel heard in their emotional storms first, looking to fix something is not going to help in the moment. Because the truth is that emotional generosity isn’t about grand gestures or always knowing the right thing to say, it’s about presence. It’s about choosing connection over a need to control, and compassion over quick fixes. And let’s be honest, most of us just want to feel like someone’s with us when we’re in the thick of it, not taking over our puzzle, but just sitting beside us while the pieces are all over the floor.On this road trip, in our van-sized pressure cooker of love and logistics, I’ve learned that supporting my partner through emotional moments is less about doing and more about being. Being grounded. Being still. Being open-hearted. It's not glamorous work, but it's what works.Next time your partner starts to spiral or stew or sob, remember this: You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to understand every word or emotion they throw out there. You just have to show up. Breathe. Listen. Empathize. And when the moment feels right, reach out your hand.We take turns being the tree and being the storm. The more we practice showing up for each other this way, the more we deepen trust, and grow the love that can weather whatever is around the corner, even six weeks in a van with no escape route and one (slightly too small) shared blanket.If my weekly advice brings value to your life and relationship, consider becoming a paid subscriber for the equivalent of a coffee/month. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

We are walking, talking, memory machines. We draw information from old memories and apply it to our present-day decisions. Every pleasure to which we’re drawn, every pain we avoid, every relationship dynamic or conflict pulls from these memories to guide our physical and emotional experiences in the present moment.Interestingly, the memories that most impact our adult emotional state took place long ago, when challenging childhood experiences began to form our strategies for surviving in a dangerous world. Challenging childhood experiences shape our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses as well as how we perceive and interact with the world around us.Here are some examples:Emotional Regulation: Challenging childhood experiences can impact our ability to regulate our emotions, leading to difficulties managing stress, anxiety, or depression.Self-Esteem: Our childhood experiences impact our self-esteem and sense of worth, which can impact our confidence and ability to pursue our goals in adulthood.Cognitive Patterns: Negative childhood experiences can shape our thought patterns and lead to negative self-talk, limiting beliefs, and cognitive distortions that impact our mental health and overall well-being.Coping Strategies: Challenging childhood experiences can impact the coping strategies we use to manage stress or emotional pain.Unhealthy coping strategies, such as substance abuse or self-harm, can have lasting impacts on our lives.Exploring attachment stylesAttachment styles in relationships refer to patterns of behavior and beliefs about intimacy and closeness that individuals develop based on their early experiences with caregivers. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust their partners.They have positive views of themselves and their relationships, and they are generally able to communicate openly and resolve conflicts effectively. They feel secure in their relationships and can balance independence with closeness.Examples:“I feel comfortable expressing my needs and emotions to you, and I trust that you’ll be there for me when I need support.”“Even when we have disagreements, I know that we can work through them together and come out stronger on the other side.”“I feel secure when we’re apart, knowing that you love me and have my back.”Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often crave closeness and fear rejection from their partners. They may be overly sensitive to relationship dynamics, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. They may struggle with self-doubt and have difficulty trusting their partners, leading to a pattern of clinginess and dependence.Examples:“Do you still love me? I need constant reassurance that you won’t leave me, and I worry that you’ll find someone better.”“I can’t stop thinking about us and whether we’re okay. Why haven’t you texted me back yet? Did I do something wrong?”“I feel like I’m always the one reaching out and trying to keep our relationship going. Am I just not enough for you?”Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-reliance over emotional intimacy. They may avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships, preferring to maintain a sense of autonomy. They may downplay the importance of emotional connection and may struggle to express their feelings or needs to their partners.Examples:“I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I’m fine on my own,and I don’t want to feel tied down by anyone.”“Why do you always want to talk about your feelings? Can’t wejust enjoy each other’s company without all this emotional stuff?” “I need my space right now. Can’t you see that I need time to myself? I don’t want to feel smothered by your constant need for closeness.”Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a combination of anxiety and avoidance in relationships. They desire closeness but are also fearful of intimacy and potential rejection. They may oscillate between seeking connection and withdrawing from their partners, struggling to find a balance between their need for closeness and their fear of getting hurt.Examples:“I want to be close to you, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier for me to push you away than to risk getting hurt.”“I’m torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to protect myself. I don’t know how to navigate this push-pull dynamic.”“I feel like I’m always on edge in our relationship, never knowing if you’ll stay or leave. I want to trust you, but I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.”Of course, these examples are simplified, and attachment styles can be more complex and nuanced. Attachment styles aren’t written in stone. Our inner child beliefs can change and grow based on new healing experiences and self-awareness. When my clients are triggered, and feeling emotionally challenged, I encourage them to ask themselves, how would you speak to a child right now? What words would you use to calm them, reassure them, and support them? Now, use those same words to speak to your inner child. Give your inner child the secure love they may have been missing so long ago. We can change the painful past by offering ourselves loving-kindness and support in the present.Comforting your inner childNo matter who you are today, how strong you feel as an adult, the child you once were with all their memories and wounds still lives inside of you. Comforting your inner child is a powerful way to address old wounds and heal from the past. Here are some steps for comforting your inner child when you feel triggered:Identify the Trigger: The first step is to identify what’s triggering you in the present moment. This could be a situation, behavior, or comment from your partner that reminds you of a past trauma or emotional wound. If you find your emotions are much bigger than you’d expect in any given situation, you can trust that the pain is coming from your past.Acknowledge Your Inner Child: Once you’ve identified the trigger, take a moment to acknowledge the emotions and needs of your inner child. This means recognizing that your current emotional response is a result of unhealed wounds from your past.Practice Self-Compassion: Offer yourself compassion and kindness in the moment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel triggered and that your emotions are valid. This can help you feel more grounded and present.Use Self-Soothing Techniques: Find ways to soothe yourself in the moment. This could be via deep breathing, visualization of a preferred outcome from the past, or other mindfulness practices. You might also try journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.Reconnect with Your Inner Child: Finally, take time to connect with your inner child, and offer comfort and reassurance. See yourself as that child and offer the words of love and support you imagine they need to hear. You might also visualize your adult self holding and comforting your inner child.Caring for your inner child takes practice and patience. If we hold judgment or blame toward ourselves as a child, it can be hard to face our own lack of self-love and self-worth as adults; yet inner child work can be a powerful way to improve our present-day relationship challenges, with ourselves and our partner. Ultimately, the decision to engage in inner child work is a personal one. It’s important to approach this work with an open mind and heart, and to be gentle with yourself as you explore your past experiences and emotions.As a clinical hypnotherapist, I have seen the power of suggestion turn a past negative outcome into one that feels healed and resolved. Our early experiences do not have to define the rest of our lives and relationships. It’s possible to heal from past trauma and difficulty. Take out an old photo of yourself when you were younger. Make friends with that beautiful child, and let them guide you in your path forward.If you want to learn more about relationship and intimacy coaching schedule a consultation call with me here. And if my writing brings value to your life and relationships, consider supporting my writing by becoming a paid subscriber. It would mean the world to me. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I used to think I knew who I was, who he was, and suddenly I don’t recognize us, neither him nor me… My entire life, as I’ve led it up to this moment, has crumbled, like in those earthquakes where the very ground devours itself and vanishes beneath your feet while you’re making your escape. There is no turning back.— Simone de Beauvoir, The Woman DestroyedA client recently asked me a vulnerable question: “How do I help my partner to heal after my infidelity?”It's a question that sits at the heart of betrayal. It’s raw, aching, and disorienting. When an affair is discovered, the emotional fallout can be overwhelming. A world that once felt secure can suddenly seem threatening and unfamiliar.We may feel like we can’t think straight. Adrenaline floods our bodies. The calm, rational part of our brain goes offline, and we shift into fight, flight, or freeze. This response is biological. When we feel unsafe or emotionally threatened, the amygdala, our brain’s alarm system, takes over. Its sole job is to protect us from pain by removing ourselves from the threat.Understanding this basic brain science is critical for couples navigating the disorientation of betrayal. Every human being is wired to scan for safety and danger constantly. From the moment we’re born, we’re evaluating: Am I safe in my mother’s arms? With this new friend? With the person I sleep beside at night?When we choose a life partner, it's because we've found a sense of safety with them. It takes time, consistency, and vulnerability to build that trust. We all know that nerve-wracking moment in a new relationship when we realize we’ve grown attached. That vulnerability brings joy, but it also brings risk.Eventually, through repeated reassurance and emotional attunement that rollercoaster of early love stabilizes. We settle in. Trust builds. We make promises. We rely on each other. We build a shared life. And we commit—emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.Then, infidelity shatters that foundation.The sense of safety we worked so hard to create evaporates. If you no longer feel safe in your relationship, your first task is not to figure out the future but to begin the slow process of reestablishing a sense of safety.Here are ten essential steps to help rebuild and repair after infidelity:1. It’s Okay to Not KnowIn the wake of betrayal, you may feel lost. You might not know whether to stay or go. That’s okay. Write this somewhere visible:“It’s okay to not know.”You are in the middle of a whole lot of pain, and clarity takes time. Allow yourselves to be where you are. Don’t force certainty. Focus instead on nervous system regulation—breathe, rest, nourish yourself. Big decisions can wait. Safety comes first.2. Less You, More ThemIf you’re the one who broke a monogamous agreement, you may be flooded with guilt and shame. But now is not the time to make the situation about you. Don’t collapse into defensiveness. Your priority is to stay steady and present for your partner.Express sincere regret. Show empathy for their emotional pain. Listen, and validate. Help them feel seen in their grief, rage, or numbness. That steadiness is the first brick in rebuilding trust.3. Explore the "Why"The initial conversations often revolve around what happened: who, when, where. But healing truly begins when we start exploring why it happened.What needs were at play? Desire for novelty? Longing for validation? Disconnection? Sexual boredom? Affairs can reflect what we’re not getting from our partner but more often, what we’re not in touch with inside of ourselves.The person who strayed may have been seeking a part of themselves they lost, spontaneity, worth, desirability. Getting honest about these roots is essential to rebuild something new together.4. Talk Less, Listen MoreEffective communication is your lifeline. Slow down your conversations. Ask questions, not to interrogate, but to understand. Listen to understand—not to respond.If either of you feels triggered, call a time-out. Take deep breaths, regulate, and return when you can re-engage calmly. If you were a team before, you can learn to be a team again, even in pain.5. Find the Need Behind the EmotionAnger, withdrawal, anxiety. These are symptoms of a loss of safety. Beneath every emotional outburst is a core need. Ask gently: “What do you need from me right now to feel safe?” Then, do your best to provide it.Sometimes it’s a hug. Sometimes it’s presence and silence. Sometimes it’s reassurance or honesty.This is not a time for explaining or defending yourself. It’s a time for deep listening, co-regulation, and showing up for your partner.6. The Tango RuleEventually, with the support of a skilled guide, both partners must examine their roles in the relationship. This isn’t about blaming the betrayed or excusing the affair. It’s about understanding the relational patterns that preceded the rupture.Couples who grow from infidelity do so by dropping the victim-villain narrative and leaning into mutual accountability. Not equal blame, but shared understanding. When both people get curious about themselves and the dynamic they co-created, real healing becomes possible.7. Strong and Sturdy Baby Steps for the BetrayerRebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight. Start small. If you say you’ll call at 6, call at 6. Follow through on promises. Initiate emotional check-ins. Offer affection without expectation.Small betrayals, being late, forgetting things, can feel huge in someone with a raw nervous system. Be attentive to the emotional undercurrents. Your partner’s amygdala is watching for signs of danger. Keep asking: “What helps you feel safe?”Safety isn’t built through grand gestures—it’s built through daily consistency.8. Don’t Sweep It Under the RugAvoiding the subject won’t make it go away. Silence creates isolation. If your partner is stuck in rumination, don’t wait for them to bring it up. Gently check in. Ask how they’re feeling. Offer reassurance before they have to ask for it.Your partner is in emotional free fall. You are their anchor now. Don’t let shame or discomfort keep you silent. Show them they don’t have to suffer alone.9. Build Back BetterAn affair often marks the death of the old relationship. But it can also be the beginning of a more honest, conscious one—if both of you are willing to do the work.Revisit your agreements around monogamy and commitment. These conversations may be challenging, especially if either partner wants to change the rules. Move slowly, with respect and care. Reaffirm your shared desire to move forward together.And above all: forgiveness is a process, not a pass. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting—it means releasing resentment and committing to healing.A skilled couples therapist or coach can help you through this. Don’t try to do this alone. This is one of the relationship crises where expert support is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.10. Gratitude x 3This may seem simplistic, but even amidst grief or anger, gratitude softens the heart.Before bed, name three things you appreciate about each other. They can be small: “Thanks for making tea.” “I appreciated how you touched my back today.” “I’m glad you reached for my hand.”Gratitude helps rewire your brain. It rebuilds emotional connection. It reminds both of you that healing is possible—even here.You’re Not AloneThese 10 steps represent just the first phase of healing after infidelity. The road ahead may feel long but it can also lead to the most honest, emotionally rich chapter of your relationship yet.Infidelity is a rupture but it doesn’t have to be the end. Many couples emerge from the ashes stronger, more compassionate, and deeply connected.Your relationship can survive infidelity. But it cannot survive divorce.If my writing brings value to your life and relationship, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Your support means the world to me. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I woke up feeling emotionally battered from news footage I’d watched the night before that personified bullying behavior by a politician. I thought about people who currently live (or have lived) with an adult bully. I wondered how many of them were left emotionally triggered by the embarrassing display played out on national television.Bullying can happen in every form of relationship from the boardroom to the bedroom. I see all the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of bullying with some of my coaching couples. Bullies aren’t born, they’re raised, usually by bullies themselves.Many adult bullies come from childhood homes where they too were dominated by bullying. Children who have control taken from them will commonly seek to control others, often with the same tactics they witnessed and experienced in the adults around them. It’s easy to spot bullying in others. What’s harder to acknowledge though, is our own inner bully - the part of us that jumps into action when we’re backed into a corner feeling trapped. If you were to ask someone during a bullying incident to be transparently honest about what’s driving their bullying, they’d probably identify fear as their underlying emotion, insecurity as their underlying feeling, and control as their underlying strategy. They’re using bullying to fend off their own feelings of inferiority and disrespect.We’re all capable of resorting to bullying tactics in our relationship, should our partner challenge our beliefs and perspectives, but we’d never admit to bullying.We’d much rather see ourselves as passionate, intense, direct, strong-willed, or generally superior in our perspective of what’s right or wrong. We may even admit that we’re ‘too much’ for some people, but “that’s just who I am.” Yet the fact is, we’re all capable of reverting back to the playground when we’re triggered into fight or flight. When anger floods your brain, even the most self-aware person can turn to bullying tactics. In those moments, you’re literally not in your right mind; you’re in your amygdala brain, which is pumping adrenaline into your bloodstream. It’s focused on survival or (in the case of an argument) on being proven right.Let’s look at the behavior of an emotional bully in an intimate relationship. I think you’ll see that we all have an inner bully that can hijack a conversation and turn it into emotional manipulation to get something we want, Consider how you’ve used these strategies in your relationship. Here are 9 ways your inner bully might show up in your relationship. Perhaps this is you?* Getting angry and raising your voice overpowers your partner’s voice during conflict. Your partner will either join you in the escalation that ultimately leads to painful words and hurt feelings, or they’ll appease you and stifle themselves to keep the peace. Either way the bully wins.* Blaming and pointing the finger back at your partner may have worked as a child but it’s a sadly transparent attempt to avoid taking responsibility or hearing a difficult truth. Our inner bully has very little capacity for honest self-reflection and vulnerability. Criticism is taken as a personal attack and the defense of a bully is to quickly divert the same criticism back to their partner. “I didn’t lie, you’re the liar!”* Punishing by emotionally pulling away, implementing the silent treatment, withholding affection, sulking, and moping, are all common strategies to punish and bully our partner. These are the kind of bullying tactics a passive-aggressive person will resort to get their way. If your partner knows there’s a price to pay for disagreeing with you, they’ll likely choose to let you have your way and once again suppress their truth in exchange for a temporarily peaceful home.* Threatening to leave the relationship is a common bullying strategy that gets tossed like a grenade into an argument, escalating the conflict from a difference of opinion, to a potentially relationship-destroying incident.* Gaslighting is a term the psychiatric community uses to describe a partner who slowly tries to confuse and manipulate perceptions. We can say one thing and do another. We can turn our partner’s questions back on them, causing them to doubt themselves. We deny something in the face of proof. We’re all susceptible to gaslighting and we’re all fully capable of resorting to gaslighting. Remember, your inner bully is well-versed in getting what they want.* Name-calling takes an disagreement to a deeply personal level. This is where lines are crossed, and painful words cut deep. Once you revert to name-calling, the damage is sometimes impossible to undo. The bond is broken, and trust is lost. Your partner may find their way back to being civil and even loving, but in their heart, the names you called them will resonate and resurface, sometimes for years. * Out-arguing your partner is the bully’s way of pushing their opponent into the ropes and pummeling them with jabs to the ribs.You wear them out with the words coming out of your mouth. Even when they’ve conceded you make sure to drive it home until they either go silent, beg you to stop, or leave the room.* Interrupting your partner when they’re trying to make their point is another way a bully can wear someone down. When we don’t have the capacity to listen to an opposing view without talking over our partner, we’re shutting them down. This is a common form of bullying in relationships, and often both partners will adopt this strategy as a way to be heard when conflicts start to escalate.* Physical intimidation is more than waving your fist at your partner. It’s how you physically position yourself next to them. It’s leaning in too close. It’s looming over them. It’s throwing a plate or slamming a door. It’s driving erratically or blocking an exit. These are all acts of violence, and bullies use them as coercion and intimidation tactics.Allowing your inner bully to represent you in an argument with your partner is short-sighted. It’s looking for the short-term gain of being proven right, over the long-term desire to maintain connection. Your inner bully views your partner as the enemy to be conquered and controlled in a moment of conflict, rather than your teammate who shares a life with you.* Sit down together and review these signs of bullying. I strongly believe we’re all guilty of these tactics in our worst moments, so go easy on yourself. * Get hip to what bullying looks like in your relationship, and agree to being called out, the next time you allow your inner bully take to the stage of a debate. * Share the fears that drive your inner bully. Reflect on the family dynamic that made bullying part of your strategy to get what you want.And if you have children, tell them that what they see in our politicians these days sadly, does not represent healthy adult behavior! If my writing brings value to your life and relationship, please consider becoming a paid member, for what amounts to, the price of a coffee a month. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Your lights are on, but you’re not homeYour mind is not your ownYour heart sweats, your body shakesAnother kiss is what it takesYou can’t sleep, you can’t eatThere’s no doubt, you’re in deepYour throat is tight, you can’t breatheAnother kiss is all you need— Robert Palmer, You’re Addicted to LoveAsk most couples about the early stages of their relationship, and they’ll remember the ease they experienced around sex and intimacy. They’ll stare off into space with memories of testosterone-driven lust and estrogen-flooded seduction. They may remember how the initial feelings of lust began to grow into romantic longing and preoccupation as their bodies started producing more dopamine and norepinephrine.At some point, usually between three and fifteen months, the intoxication of new relationship energy (NRE) begins to shift from high levels of passion to attachment. Oxytocin, the love hormone, then starts to lay the foundation for the security of long-term partnership.Understanding the biology of sex and intimacy helps explain why couples often ask, “How do we get the passion back into our sex lives? Why don’t we feel the way we used to?”That’s nature for you!We’re made to reproduce, and our bodies know exactly what hormones support that undeniable human drive. If you want to re-ignite that NRE, take charge and stimulate the hormones that got you there in the first place. Here are the building blocks that will produce a cocktail of hormones to support deep connection and a vibrant sex life:The Relationship Glue of OxytocinOxytocin fuels our desire to bond with our partners. It creates the romance of “you and me against the world.” Love notes, kisses in the kitchen, long hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling lead to trust and goodwill between partners. Oxytocin sets the stage for expressions of love that make partners receptive and vulnerable with each other. Feelings of attachment get us through the rough spots. Oxytocin keeps us steady and invested in each other’s happiness.I Want to Make Serotonin With YouDedicate some of your time together to manufacturing some serotonin.You do this by getting vulnerable and sharing your feelings with one another. Step out of the day-to-day chit-chat about the details of living and dig a little deeper. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your relationship. Ask them to share what ways you can be a better partner to them. This is a simple question that can initiate some profound conversations. Be open to hearing what your partner has to say without defense, and help them feel safe enough to be honest.Caring and being cared for reinforces your bond and your sense that your partner has your back. This experience of secure attachment in a relationship brings a sense of harmony to every other part of life. If your partner can count on you supplying them with a hit of serotonin whenever you’re together, that will stimulate their reward centers. Give them some heartfelt communication on a regular basis and watch what happens.Looking for Something New on DopamineYou can create dopamine in your body by doing new things together; sharing new experiences, new places, trips, and (yes) hotel rooms.When I ask a couple to recall a fulfilling sexual memory they have together, it will often involve a hotel room. They stepped out of the familiar bedroom, family routine, daily tasks – basically a life you can walk through with your eyes closed because you know it so well. Suddenly the sexual desire they’d been missing started flowing again. They started to see their partner through the eyes of the Goddess dopamine.As we all know, sex in a long-term partnership can easily become painfully predictable. That’s why I created a program that outlines 186 erotic activities from sensual to kinky in my e-course Your Erotic Menu. If you want more variety in your sexual and sensual life, go to Your Erotic Menu online to see all the options you and your partner can explore. It’s currently a free course, so enjoy a trip into 6 sexual styles and learn how to talk to your partner about your interests and desires. Getting High on EndorphinsOur bodies produce an interesting cocktail of hormones when we challenge ourselves physically. Adrenaline, endorphins, and testosterone all get a boost from any type of physical adventure or challenge.Aerobic workouts, dancing, hiking, biking, and any other kind exercise have all been shown to increase circulation, blood flow, and lubrication, three factors involved in heightened sexual desire. Set an adventure date with your partner. Hit the road or paddle the white waters. Whatever your bodies are up for, use them, and experience the aphrodisiac effects of endorphins.Waking Up with NorepinephrineCouples are often under the impression that there’s nothing they don’t know about their partner. We’ve all heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt.” While we may not be feeling contempt for our partner, we can take our partner for granted and end up assuming we know everything there is to know about them. Seeing our partners as individuals outside of the relationship wakes us up to their autonomy, which is associated with a sense of mystery. With mystery comes uncertainty, and with uncertainty comes excitement. Norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that enhance feelings of excitement. Do you remember the early stages of falling in love when you felt giddy, euphoric, and wired? Your brain and body felt alive with heightened arousal, making the connection with your partner feel uniquely special. When our bodies produce norepinephrine, our partner feels new to us. We become intrigued again and refreshed in our view of them. The same person with whom we share a bed every night suddenly feels mysterious to us.In order to maintain mystery in a long-term relationship, you want an ongoing balance of attachment and independence, bonding and autonomy.Too much of either will tilt the scale away from desire. Too much distance, and we lose our sense of bonding. Never spending time apart from each other will send you into the roommate zone. Find ways of taking space and doing your own thing. See friends, enjoy a solo excursion, or start a new hobby that engages you. Differentiate yourself from your partner in healthy ways and enjoy a little norepinephrine wake-up call next time you see your partner with fresh eyes from across a crowded room. :)Romantic attachment is important in building trust and safety, but creating a healthy sense of autonomy from your partner is the necessary ingredient to wake from the slumber of familiarity.Remember this the next time you’re taking some healthy space from your partner - The tide can’t come enthusiastically flooding back to shore if it never retreats in the first place. Catch my drift?If you forget what it’s like to be addicted to love, your brain is your drug dealer. All the love drugs you ever need are at your disposal, if you know how to access them.Here’s a link to Robert Palmer singing about love addiction in 1986. He died too young. Dear reader, Does my writing bring value to your relationship? For the price of a latte once a month, you can show your support. 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As I said last week, Part 1 (chapters 1-28) of the Turned-On Couple is where the rubber meets the relationship road. This is where you lay the foundation for intimacy and desire to grow. So let’s look at another more nuanced part of relating that be a silent killer of connection. Confirmation biasWe all have it. We experience it every day in the news, our politics, our workplace, and (most directly) in our relationships, where partners can suffer the consequences of confirmation bias on a daily basis. Humans are wired to look for danger, and danger in the case of relationships comes in the form of complaints and conflict. Conflict triggers threat, and threat pumps cortisol into our bloodstream, preparing us for “fight or flight.” So when it comes to relationships, it makes sense that our brains are far more skilled at noticing what’s wrong with our partner than what’s right.We all form biases in order to make sense of our experiences. Those biases then form the basis of the stories we tell ourselves when we feel challenged by our partner. We look for the proof that supports the stories we already have written in our minds. If circumstances leave enough room for us to skew our interpretation of events, we’ll jump on the opportunity to be right, even if it makes us feel bad.A midlife couple I’ve counseled for some time is trying to heal from infidelity on the woman’s part. Even though the infidelity happened years ago, her partner’s negative feelings about the matter remain firmly in place. The story he formed from his bias is that she doesn’t love him, that he’s not a good lover, and that — given the opportunity — she’ll betray his trust again (even though she repeatedly reassures him that none of those things are true).The situation is corrosive to their relationship. If she has to work late, he imagines the worst. If she doesn’t want to have sex one night, he creates the story that she finds sex with him boring. If she doesn’t stop what she’s doing immediately when he needs attention, he tells himself that she no longer loves him. You can see how his negative and fearful beliefs are his own worst enemy and may very well lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.When our relationships are laden with negative biases, we’re on the constant lookout for proof that we’re right, and we selectively overlook all the information that proves otherwise. We place great importance on the disappointing moments and pay less attention to the positive ones. By focusing on the negative encounters with your partner, you’ll live your relationship assuming the worst, and you’ll probably get what you’re looking for. In other words, whatever you put your attention on will become your destiny.You can actually change your mind. Start to steer your brain toward the positives by introducing some simple habits into your daily life. This is how we rewire our brains, and it’s scientifically proven to help change the lens through which we interpret our world. Consider experimenting with these solutions:Give positive feedback to your partner about the things they did that day: Actively look for the things your partner does that you appreciate and express your appreciation out loud regularly throughout the day. Form a gratitude practice with your partner. At night before you go to sleep, take turns expressing three things you appreciated about each other that day.“I appreciated you asking me what I needed in town before you came home.”“I appreciated the way you handled the issue with the neighbors.”“I appreciated you pulling me close to cuddle tonight while watching TV.”When we point out what makes us feel cared for and loved, we’re not only training our brains to notice the positives, but we’re also training our partners by affirming their positive actions. (Yes, just like dog training!)Become a positive Jedi Get good at shifting from negative to positive. Think of this skill like a Jedi warrior. When you find yourself sinking into the dark world of complaint and disappointment, remind yourself that there’s a lighter, brighter world that’s just as (or even more) true. Look for the positives with Jedi-like precision. As you work on this skill you’ll build the muscle of your positive intelligence, making it easier to shift from negative to positive with ease. Seek resolution rather than sweeping conflict under the rug:We’re particularly susceptible to selective memory if conflicts with our partner are left unresolved. Lack of resolution keeps a negative incident active in our brains. Once an argument feels resolved, our brain files the event away as a memory, relieving us of ongoing rumination and the biases that are formed by keeping that negative event in the forefront of our memory.Learn communication skills that lead you through conflict to resolution. This is the primary marker of a long-lasting happy relationship. Since we’re the only ones in charge of creating our stories and forming our negative biases, why not consider adopting a positive bias? Assume the best of your partner. With every single complaint, look for five expressions of appreciation. And note how this impacts your daily exchanges as well as your mental state.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe