BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS

The Mistake I Keep Making (And Maybe You Do Too)I used to think my biggest problem was saying too much.I’m Carissa. I’m bad at keeping secrets — literally, it’s the name of my podcast — and for a long time I low-key believed that my tendency to overshare was something I needed to fix. Like if I could just learn to hold back a little more, I’d seem more polished. More put-together. More professional.Case in point: when my mother-in-law first met me, she told my husband Josh that she was surprised he liked me because I talked too much. Too much. And honestly? She wasn’t wrong. I’ve spent a lot of my life believing that my openness was the problem.Then I sat down with Leslie John, a Harvard professor who has spent years researching self-disclosure, and she completely flipped the script on me.Turns out, the thing most of us should actually be worried about isn’t sharing too much. It’s sharing too little.Leslie calls it TLI — Too Little Information — and it’s everywhere. It’s the “I’m fine” when you’re not. It’s swallowing the hard conversation because you don’t want to make things weird. It’s never saying “I love you” first because what if they don’t say it back. It’s editing yourself so carefully, for so long, that the people closest to you don’t actually know you.And here’s what hit me hardest: Leslie told me that undersharing is actually one of the biggest problems in long-term relationships. Ding ding ding. I’m not going to lie — I needed to hear that one right now. Like, personally. Like she was talking directly to me.I think about how many times I’ve censored myself in relationships, in friendships, even in my own marriage — convinced I was being smart or safe — when really I was just quietly building walls and calling it boundaries.We kick off the conversation with a question I think so many of us have wrestled with: is it a good idea to tell someone you love them first? The answer might surprise you — but you’re going to have to listen to find out.Leslie’s book, Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing, isn’t a permission slip to trauma dump on your coworkers. It’s something way more nuanced and honestly more important than that. It’s about learning to read the room, understanding when to be transparent versus vulnerable, and recognizing that being truly known by the people around you isn’t a liability — it’s the whole point. If you want the full run down on the how and the why of knowing when to share, grab her book. It’s the kind of read that makes you want to call someone you love immediately after.So whether you’re an oversharer who just wants to feel good about it, or someone who holds everything close and is tired of feeling invisible — this episode is for you.And when you’re done listening? Tell someone you love them. First. Without waiting. Without knowing if they’ll say it back. Because Leslie’s research shows that most of the time, they will. And even when it’s scary, even when your voice shakes a little — that moment of being truly seen is worth every second of vulnerability it took to get there.I spent a long time thinking my openness was too much. Turns out, it was never enough.Don’t make the same mistake. Listen, subscribe, and go tell someone how you feel.We’ll be here when you get back.Love, CarissaPS Who doesn’t like a good quiz? Check out Leslie’s to find out more of what kind of oversharer you are. PPS If you liked this and want to support us, subscribe :) Or get something for someone you love from People I’ve Loved. Like a mug for your mom (this was the OG mug we made for my mom for mother’s day 2020…)PPPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The music was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a reader-supported publication. We are so happy you are here! Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Persuasion (n.): The act of causing someone to do or believe something through reasoning or argument. From the Latin persuadere — to advise thoroughly. Note that nowhere in the definition does it say anything about the other person actually wanting to be advised.I have spent years trying to get Josh to exercise.Not in a controlling way. Or — okay, maybe in a slightly controlling way, but for good reasons. Ten out of ten doctors agree that moving your body is good for you. This is not a controversial position. This is not me projecting. This is just science, and I would like the person I love to be alive and ambulatory for as long as possible, partly because I love him and partly because I have done the math and I cannot physically take care of him if something goes wrong. I have told him this. Directly. Lovingly. With data.His response is not words. It is a look.The look says: you think you know better than me. You think I’m not doing enough. You are trying to control my time. He doesn’t have to say any of it. It lands anyway, fully formed, right in the center of my chest. And just like that, the conversation is over — not because we fought, but because the look closed the door before I could get through it.I asked his sister once. She is excellent at movement, the kind of person who actually looks forward to it, and I thought maybe she had a key I didn’t. Her advice: just take things off his plate so he has more space. I appreciated this. I also wanted to laugh. I have a plate. My plate is full. My plate has things on it that fell off other people’s plates. I cannot take things off Josh’s plate with the plate situation I am currently managing.So for years, nothing changed. And I kept trying the same things — the gentle ask, the walk-to-get-coffee reframe, the calm laying out of medical evidence — and getting the same look. And somewhere in the back of my mind I started to wonder if the problem was not Josh’s relationship to exercise but my relationship to giving advice.Enter Emily Falk.Falk is a neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of What We Value, and she studies how the brain actually processes information, change, and persuasion. What she found rearranged something in me. The first thing: the part of the brain that activates when we receive unsolicited advice is the same part associated with social threat. Being told what to do doesn’t just feel annoying. It registers, neurologically, as danger. Josh’s look is not stubbornness or defensiveness or a personal rejection of my very reasonable cardiovascular concerns. It is, in the most literal sense, his brain protecting him.Which means every time I made my careful, loving, evidence-based case for movement, I was accidentally pulling the pin on a grenade.But here is the part that really got me. Because it would be easy to read this and conclude that Josh is the problem — that his threat response is the obstacle, that if he could just receive information without his nervous system treating it like an attack, everything would be fine. Except Falk also has things to say about the person doing the advising. About why we give advice in the first place. About the uncomfortable truth that what looks like concern is sometimes also about us — our anxiety, our need for control, our own fear dressed up as helpfulness. I am trying to control Josh. I thought about the mornings I pick up my phone before I’ve said a word to anyone. Before coffee, before I’ve decided what kind of day I want to have, I am already checking — how is the post doing, did anyone reach out, does anyone still care, am I still here. There was a time when this ritual paid off. Good news, a new collab, someone saying something that made me feel like the work mattered. Now it’s a letdown ninety-five percent of the time. I put the phone down feeling depressed and worthless and like no one loves me.When that is simply not true.I know this. I know it the way I know that Josh should exercise, the way I know that checking the metrics at 7am is not going to make me feel better. I know it clearly, rationally, with my whole brain. And I do it anyway. Every morning. I watch myself do it almost from outside my own body, and I cannot stop.This is Falk’s second insight, the one that I couldn’t argue my way around: knowing something is good for you is almost entirely useless in the moment you are deciding whether to do it. The brain does not make decisions the way we think it does — through calm, rational weighing of evidence. It makes them fast, socially, emotionally, in response to what feels immediately rewarding and what the people around us seem to value. The milkshake wins not because you don’t know better. It wins because knowing better is the wrong tool for the job.So what is the right tool?This is where I want to hand you the book. Because what Falk found — about how change actually happens, about what makes advice land instead of detonate, about why Josh is finally, slowly, taking a few walks a week and how that happened without a single additional conversation about cardiovascular health — is something I could not have predicted, and couldn’t have argued myself into believing.Share this with someone you love.It has everything to do with who is in the room when you make a decision. And almost nothing to do with knowing what’s good for you.I’m not going to tell you what to do with that. You know I won’t. (Or am I kinda doing it right now??)But I will say: something shifted. Not dramatically. Not in a way that makes a clean story. Just — the look comes less often now. And some mornings, I put the phone down before I check.XO, CarissaPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.PPS One more plug for Emily. Her book is here.PPPS If you are in the Bay Area, THIS SATURDAY, Ashley Neese and Danny Paul Grody are hosting an event at the Berkeley Art Museum. Click here for more info. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

‘I don’t make content for you.’I was reading something Gabby wrote recently and it stopped me in my tracks. We both feel it — the world is a lot right now. We see it the same way, we respect each other deeply, and yet we find ourselves responding to it all very differently. That contrast has been sitting with me.How are you responding to this moment?So I reached out to her. Not for answers exactly, but because I wanted to hear how she’s making sense of this moment — and what she thinks we should do with it.That’s what blogger, designer, best-selling author Gabrielle Blair said to MAGA supporters who love her design tips but ignore her politics. And it sparked a whole conversation about who we’re willing to include and who we’re not.Today: activism, complicity, privilege, and the line between being inclusive and making space for harm. We talk about Confederate town names, being called racist for anti-racist work, and why there are no excuses left for supporting fascism.This one goes deep. Here we go. Gabby is amazing, follow her here:Sending love, rage, hope, care, kindness and whatever you need today. Permission to make. You got this. We got this. We don’t have another option.XO, CarissaBAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is so glad you are here. We want to be in this with you. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Let’s be real, happy endings mean what again?In today’s episode of Bad At Keeping Secrets, I’m sitting down with Rachel Hochhauser, author of Lady Tremaine — a stunning reimagining of Cinderella told through the eyes of the stepmother herself. But this conversation goes so much deeper than a fairy tale retelling. Rachel opens up about becoming a single parent while her husband was ill, how that experience of fierce, consuming maternal love became the beating heart of her book, and why she believes the stories we’ve been told about what it means to be a “good woman” might be doing us more harm than good.We talk about agency, happy endings, the exhausting pressure to always be nice, and what it really looks like to trust your own instincts — as a writer, a mother, and a person.BOOK GIVEAWAYTo enter, sign up for Rachel's Substack! Rachel just started a Substack, and to celebrate the book, we're giving away one copy to a lucky reader. Next week, I'll randomly select one person who signed up and email them to get their address — so I can send them my copy of Lady Tremaine! This book is for you if you loved Wuthering Heights, if you're sick of waiting to be saved, or if motherly love changed you in ways you don't like to admit. I loved it. To my core. I hope you will too. Thanks for being here. XO, CarissaPS This podcast is edited by Mark McDonald. The music is by my sister, Casey Goode. And I do this because I LOVE sharing peoples work. I get this joy because you are here. I am so grateful for you! PPS We have a new book out, The Imaginary Atlas, with Candace Cui and People I’ve Loved. It is fantasy related too! It is a journal to help YOU figure out what your fantasies are. Get a copy here:If this email made you feel better in anyway, or introduced you to something you are inspired by, we would love to have you with us. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Recently, my dear friend, artist and author, Lisa Solomon asked me if I would write about the color grey. I told her I was bad with color, so gray was perfect. It was for her book, Art Craft Color - where she asked 20 artists/crafters to come up with ideas that would make your life more colorful and also blur the line between artist and craftsperson. All the projects make you feel like you got this. And you do, you are an artist.I wanted to share my practice with you all today, because I thought it might be helpful. I want you to experience the healing power of making things. Drawing Through Anxiety.This could be a drawing exercise. This could be a screaming exercise. The supplies needed depend on what you feel like using to express yourself with the least amount of friction. For me, I love the way sumi ink flows on paper and I have it close to me at all times. I love the contrast between the paper and ink. I love how fast it is, you can make something stunning with very little planning and tools. The ink pools in places and sometimes I can see myself in its reflection.Share this with someone who is anxious…Steps:1. Rally a word document, or a blank journal & a writing tool close by (I use a marker and pencil), some paint/ink and a brush(s if you want to be fancy) and a big old sheet of paper. Or anything else you have that you are drawn to. All of this is about what feels good and easy for you. Nothing else matters. Grab a warm beverage, or cool one depending on your desired body temperature. Take a few deep long breaths, relaxing your shoulders.2. Free write down what you are spiraling about preferably under a full moon. Don’t worry how it sounds, what it reads like, no one will ever see this. It is about accessing a different part of you, creating distance, a separation between you and your thoughts and emotions. About taking them outside your head, and putting them somewhere else.3. Look through your writing and find universal truths, or think about what you are longing to hear. Highlight that. Or write down the next thing you think of.4. Sketch out your text/drawing/whatever on your big sheet of paper. Perhaps a totally unnecessary step I take is to sketch it out before I paint. I do this because I am scared I will screw up. I still believe that intentions matter and I should have a plan. But sometimes only a little or no plan creates things that are even more interesting, more beautiful. I guess sketching it out gives me comfort, the right amount of plan to just get going. Add some images that you feel like tell part of the story - it doesnt have to be poetic, or meaningful. Simply describe what is going on in your head or what you choose to focus on.5. When have enough of a plan, just go ahead and dip that brush in and paint the text, or if you are more comfortable with images, go with that. Bloobs and mistakes welcome. Spelling errors mean it was done by a human. You are one. That is so miraculous.5. Sit with what you have made. Consider sharing it with someone who would feel less alone if they received it. How are you feeling now? Has anything changed inside of you?6. When you are ready, move on with your day.If you need a pep-talk, listen to Lisa here. I promise she will feel like an old friend rooting for you.Pre-order Art Craft Color now, here.Sending love and courage to make things, ugly things, and some beautiful, in this wild world, CarissaPS What do you make when you are feeling anxious?Lisa Solomon is is an oakland, california based mixed media artist, author, educator, and occasional curator, who has been teaching at Bay Area Colleges and classes around the world for 20+ years. As a Hapa, she continually explores ideas, spaces, and materials that are in-between. A self-declared color geek, she is profoundly interested in bridging the gaps between being creative, living creatively, creating community, and making a living as a creative.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is so delighted that you are here. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Almost everything will work again if you unplug for a few mintues inclduing you.-Anne LemottHey, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Today, we’re diving into something I think we all feel but struggle to name: digital exhaustion. You know that feeling when you’ve been switching between instagram, tictok, email, and three different tabs, and suddenly you’re just... depleted?My guest Paul Leonardi wrote a book called Digital Exhaustion, and we’re going to talk about what he calls the Exhaustion Triad (the real reasons our devices are wearing us down). It’s not just screen time. It’s about attention switching, the cognitive load of constantly deciding which tool to use next, and the emotional weight and anxiety of carrying all this information in our pockets.We’ll also get into practical strategies for digital resilience, how to think about AI, and what it means to be “here, not elsewhere” - especially when you’re juggling worklaod, social ties, and parenting. Check out more of Paul’s research at:www.paulleonardi.comIf you are like me and days go by feeling overwhelmingly busy, and yet you get nothing done or the first thing you do when you wake up is look at your phone, and suddenly feel a sense of dread for the day and still cant kick the habit, this podcast is for you.Send yourself some love and compassion this holiday. This has been a hard year. For everyone. XO, CarissaALSO, the amazing Sophie Odira found me on IG and we both posted almost the same text at the same time! The universe is telling us we all are so tired… Check her out on https://soundcloud.com/sophie-odira-hansing. Her music is beautiful and SO relatable.Send this to your tired friends…PS This podcast is edited and mixed by Mark McDonald, the music is by my very own sister, Officially Quigley, and funded by me (cuz, I like doing this). If you want to support us, and need a last min gift for someone, visit check out our website www.peopleiveloved.com.30% OFF SALE ENDS WEDNESDAY BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is super happy you found me (carissa) right now… Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

In celebration of darkness, this week I want to revisit my chat with Katherine May, a best-selling author and podcast host, of whom I adore in so many ways. I first heard about her with her book, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times during the height of the lockdown in 2020. In so many ways, this book helped me let go of control and step back. That there is comfort in resting. I don’t know about you, but I needed permission to use rest as a way to keep going.When I saw she had a new book coming out, I had to talk to her. I do these interviews because I love meeting people and I love sharing ideas that I feel are helpful in defining what it means to be alive in these times. And wow, Katherine does that. First, let me explain the title. For those of you who thought of rainbows and unicorns with this title, sadly, there are not any featured in this book. However, the elements here, are no less filled with wonder and magic. The book is organized around connecting with the Earth, Water, Fire, and Air - giving into the cyclical nature of being.Western culture so often has us working against the seasons, nature, and each other. This leaves us feeling disconnected and often like we are swimming upstream (maybe this is just me? IDK) working against forces that naturally offer soothing moments.I also pretend Katherine is a dictionary, and ask her how she would define terms that I feel like I don’t really have a grasp on even though I have spent my life using them freely. For what seems like forever, I have been trying to make a structure for meaning that reflects the world I have experienced. Perhaps you are doing this too? It feels like a longing for understanding and connection, a search for some truth (all the while knowing there probably is none…).We re-define Enchantment, Rituals, Resilience, and how Katherine sees God in this moment. She, however, pushes back on the idea of fixed definitions altogether. And why it might feel good to feel small sometimes.Sending softness and care your way, love always, CarissaPS This podcast is self-funded by me. Because I love talking to people who I believe in, I am so lucky they say yes. With help from Stephanie Tsou (you rock!!!), Mark McDonald (he helps make people’s podcast dreams a reality) and my lovely sister/soulmate, Officially Quigley did the music. If you like this, it would mean the world if you subscribed. I appreciate you. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.For the past few months, when people have asked what I am reading, I have replied a book about a mommune. I swear, everyone I told was interested in hearing more. I’m sitting down with writer Domenica Ruta, author of All the Mothers—a stunning, raw, and deeply human novel about women whose lives intersect in unconventional ways. She created a mommune—mothers raising children, supporting each other, redefining what family, beauty and support can look like inspired by her own life.We talk about what it actually means when we say things will “work out”—and what to do when they don’t.This is about the myths we’ve been sold about the boundaries of friendships and romantic relationships. All The Mothers gives you the agency to expand what is possible for connection and community.Get the book here:If you want to support this podcast, and shop small this holiday season, check out our website peopleiveloved.com. We have cards, journals, and our best-selling ONLY GOOD THINGS Calendar is back in stock. IN OTHER NEWS:* FAMILY UPDATE: We found out that M doesn’t need insulin yet! So we are enjoying our days before that comes into play for us… Diabetes is super common in people who have Cystic Fibrosis. Feeling less depressed about health stuff today. BUT also, she likes shoes. I was never into shoes… but we went shopping for the first time alone together and she wanted to try on all the fancy stuff…* I just finished a mural at a local house in Berkeley. I love it so much I had to share it here:OH my gosh. Thank you so much for listening. And I would love to hear about your ideal way to feel less alone in motherhood:Love, CarissaBAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is so glad you are here. We would love to continue the conversation. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. Her book comes out next week! I promise you will love it. Or I hope you like it as much as I did.How to Know When to Leave - Part 2 of my conversation with Jessica BaumLately, it feels like everyone is talking about attachment theory. I scroll online through articles and essays about attachment sometimes, curious, half-amused, half-heartbroken. There’s something oddly comforting about realizing how many of us are just trying to make sense of our patterns - to understand why connection can feel both like safety and danger at once. You guessed it, I am an anxious attachment most of the time. Asking myself the question, can I be anxious and worried and feel safe in my relationships?And what it means to actually feel safe in a relationship - not just secure in theory, but calm in the body. Therapist Jessica Baum writes beautifully about this in her book, offering a roadmap for those of us who have spent a lifetime in survival mode. She talks about how attachment wounds - those early, invisible imprints - can shape the way we move through the world. How we seek love, and how we sometimes run from it. What struck me most was her invitation to notice when our nervous systems are leading the way - when we’re in fight, flight, or freeze - and to find small, grounded ways back to trust. It’s not about fixing ourselves or finding the “right” partner. It’s about learning to recognize the moments when something inside us says: this isn’t safe anymore.And maybe that’s the hardest part - knowing when to stay and when to leave.Because secure love isn’t supposed to feel like walking on eggshells or constantly trying to earn your place. It’s supposed to feel like warmth, like ease, like a deep breath. Sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is to stop running from the ache inside us long enough to listen to it.Healing, it turns out, is less about perfection and more about noticing - the small shifts, the moments of calm, the people who make your nervous system sigh in relief. Making a space between the stimuli and our actions. Maybe that’s what we’re all looking for. Not just to be loved, but to feel safe enough to stay - or safe enough to go.This is such a rich conversation, and the second part is my favorite. And a bonus - Jessica has also created some free gifts for you, including a resource on attachment beyond labels and a video conversation with her mentor, Bonnie Badenoch. See you next time.Let’s love, CarissaPS You can find Jessica Baum on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. PPS Our 2026 ONLY GOOD THINGS Calendar is almost sold out! If you want one, here is the link. We are holding out hope for the future and celebrating the cyclical nature of life with our new Only Good Things 2026 Calendar made in collaboration with Goods for the Study.This calendar collects our favorite things for each month, plus moon phases and space for hand-written notes.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a newsletter and podcast where we talk about things. If you found me, maybe it is for a reason? We will probably never know… Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

More Than Love: A Conversation on Grief, Legacy, and Becoming OurselvesThere are some stories that never stop unfolding, they just shift shape as we move through life. This week, I am talking with Natasha Gregson Wagner about her memoir More Than Love. QUESTION: Who expanded your understanding of love? Margaret did for me. Why, I think it was entirely biological/magical.Natasha writes about her mother, Natalie Wood, with such sensory tenderness: the scent of gardenia, the lullabies sung at night, the way love imprints itself through small, ordinary gestures. Listening to her describe those early memories, I kept thinking about how memory is a kind of architecture, built from scent, sound, and touch. It’s how we carry the people we lose. In our conversation, Natasha spoke openly about the long silence that followed her mother’s death, and the slow, private decision to finally tell her story. The memoir isn’t just about setting the record straight, though it does that, but about reclaiming her mother as a whole person: complex, luminous, flawed, human. Writing became a way of making peace with all the versions of Natalie Wood that exist - it could only happen in our current moment of holding all the complexities of personhood. BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS (me, Carissa Potter) wants you to be here:We talked about how grief evolves, how as children, we absorb loss without language, and as adults, we circle back to it with new understanding. For Natasha, motherhood reshaped that journey. She spoke about seeing echoes of her own mother in the way she parents her daughter, and how that reflection brings both ache and comfort. It’s one of the paradoxes of love: the deeper it runs, the more it insists on making room for both presence and absence. What I mean by this is that humans understand and make meaning through contrast - the knowing and not knowing, the living with and living without.There’s a moment in our conversation, where Natasha says she’s learned to hold love and loss together without needing one to cancel the other. That feels like the heart of her story. Whether through writing, filmmaking, or simply living, she’s found ways to let memory breathe, not as something that defines her, but as something that continues to expand her.We also talked about fairness, or rather, the absence of it. Natasha described how, as a child, she believed life was supposed to make sense, and how she’s since learned to live within its mystery instead. Her spiritual path, not unlike my own, reflects a search for grace in a world that doesn’t always offer answers.As we ended our conversation, Natasha spoke about finding her own voice, apart from the legacy she was born into. “I used to think I had to live up to something,” she said. “Now I just want to live from something, from truth, from love, from my own story.”It struck me that More Than Love isn’t only a title, or a feeling, it’s a direction. A way of saying there’s always something beyond what we think love is. Something that carries us forward, even when we think we’ve reached the end and understand it all.Next week, Natasha and I will host a workshop on grief and resilience in Marin with Happy Women Dinners. It’s a gathering for anyone walking through loss or transformation, or just wants to hang out and talk about hard stuff. We’ll share our own stories, hold space for others, and explore what it means to live fully while holding the weight of what’s been lost.Share this with someone who is navigating the loss and love of a parent or child who might relate and feel less alone…I am not going to pretend to know what healing is, but it could be: not erasing the past, but learning how to walk with it, gently, openly, and with love. To wake up each morning, connect with other humans and go to bed each night. To seek out the people who push your understanding of love to be more than what it once was. XO, CarissaPS I break down a few times during this podcast over M’s health issues - I am not the best interviewer but Natasha was so kind and offered me the support of a good friend, for which I am so grateful. PPS RSVP for our day event Oct 19th from 10-4pm to jill@happywomendinners.com Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Today I’m joined by Jessica Baum, a psychotherapist and the author of Safe: A New Way of Looking at Attachment. In our conversation, Jessica opens up about her own journey from anxious attachment to a place of safety, and she helps us explore the deeper forces that shape our relationships: from the hemispheres of the brain and implicit memories, to the ways our bodies hold trauma and longing. Together, we look at how “little me” (the younger parts of ourselves) influence patterns we repeat, and how becoming conscious of those patterns can transform not only our relationships but the way we show up in the world.We also talk about the importance of community, the power of rupture and repair in intimacy, and how building emotional anchors can help us feel held and supported - even in the hardest moments. Jessica shares so much wisdom, from neuroscience to lived experience, all with the invitation to see ourselves as evolving, spiraling beings who are always capable of deeper safety and connection.This is such a rich conversation, we actually decided to release it in two parts. And a bonus - Jessica has also created some free gifts for you, including a resource on attachment beyond labels and a video conversation with her mentor, Bonnie Badenoch. Find Jessica on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Thanks for being here with me. Sending love, Carissa Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Before we start I just wanted to invite you to come hang with Ruthie Ackerman and I at Womb House Books on Wednesday, September 24 · 6:30 - 8:30pm PDT. It is a small gathering where we will do some exercises from my book, and have some time to explore motherhood and ambivalence, together. Space is limited, sign up here! It’s free. We just want to make a space to talk about these things if they are lingering on your mind too. For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing: I’m greedy. I want both.And I think I’m not alone.The world doesn’t make much space for the in-between—the questions, the ambivalence, the complexity of redefining what motherhood can look like. There's pressure to decide, to know, to fit within timelines and expectations. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when we still don’t know, even as time presses on? At 42 I am still trying to reconcile what the “right” thing is for my life and have come to terms with I will probably never really know. This week, I sat down with the writer Ruthie Ackerman to talk about her new book, The Mother Code. Reading it was like having someone reach into my head and put my most private, unspoken thoughts onto the page. Ruthie names the tension so many of us feel—the biological clock ticking louder with each year, the internal tug-of-war between art and family, freedom and rootedness. We talked about:* Maternal ambivalence, the not being 100% sure if you want kids—how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it* Redefining family narratives and how the women who raised us shape what we imagine for ourselves* The desire to do life/motherhood differently—even when we don’t know what “different” looks like* What is enoughness in life? Specifically, how delusional we are in romantic relationships. Ruthie’s honesty cracked something open for me, and I think it will for you too. Whether you’re a parent, never want kids, feel unsure, or just love real conversations about the messiness of personhood, this episode is for you. I’m so excited to share this one with you. I hope it resonates as deeply with you as it did with me. If you know someone who is feeling ambivalent about life, motherhood, and art, I would be delighted if you shared this with them…With love and curiosity,CarissaPS Grab a copy of The Mother Code here. And I am a die-hard fan of Ruthie’s substack here:PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a podcast I do because I love doing it. Thanks for finding it. And getting up this morning. You rock. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

What if you had a magic 8 ball… but it actually knew you? And instead of spitting out “Ask again later,” it handed you a question so sharp, or so tender, that you couldn’t help but see yourself differently.Today, I’m talking with designer and author Vicki Tan about her new book, Ask This Book a Question. It’s part fortune-teller, part behavioral science, and part mischievous friend who calls you out just enough.We talk about how she decided which questions made the cut, the biases and stories that shape how we see the world, and how to make decisions that actually line up with your values. We’ll get into psychic moments, Google searches, and whether a question itself can be a comfort, or even a kind of prayer.If you’ve ever wished for a guide to help you choose, change, or just sit with the uncertainty, you might find it here. And don’t worry - this book won’t tell your secrets. It’ll just ask you better ones. Sending love, CarissaGet your copy of ASK THIS BOOK A QUESTION at your favorite bookstore or here.PS I’m doing a brunch with Happy Women Dinners next month! Sunday, September 7th, noon to 2pm at a private home in the Oakland Hills.To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, a delicious brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Hi. It’s Carissa and this is bad at keeping secrets. How do you feel sad? What does grief look like? This week I have the pleasure sit down with Carla Fernandez to talk about something we all carry but don’t really know how to hold: grief. Her book, Renegade Greif, demands space for loss, offering tools, rituals, and language for navigating our sadness in a world that too often tells us to move on. If you’re yearning for a way to work with your sorrow, or just need permission to feel, this conversationis for you.Grief isn’t something we get over. It’s something we move with, slowly, awkwardly, and sometimes beautifully. In today’s conversation, I sit down with Carla, co-founder of The Dinner Party and a renegade in the world of grief work. Together, we explore the ways grief shapes us, not just emotionally, but biologically. We talk about the awkwardness of support, the quiet power of altars, the strange rituals that help us stay human, and the long, looping journey (I hate this word but it is what came to mind) of learning to live with loss.This episode is for anyone who's ever wondered if they're grieving the “right” way, anyone who’s been asked to show up for someone else when they were breaking inside, and anyone trying to find meaning in the mess.Grief isn’t linear. But community, ritual, and honest conversation? They help.What do you do that helps you get through the day? Carla has so lovingly rallied this ritual collection for you. In case you need a place to start. Her book, Renegade Grief, is a much more expansive version…With love, CarissaPS I’m doing a series of events with Happy Women Dinners in the Fall— one in the SF Bay Area and one in Los Angeles. To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, dinner/brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.SAN FRANCISCO: Sunday, September 7th, 12pm-2:00pm (private home in the Oakland Hills)LOS ANGELES: Thursday, October 23rd, 6:30pm-8:30pm (private home in Encino)There will be other events to come!PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Need permission to share your story? This episode is for you.This week, I talk with psychologist and author Dr. Jessica Zucker about grief, vulnerability, and her new book Normalize It.Got something you’re spiraling on? If you’re human, you probably do. In Normalize It, Dr. Zucker makes a powerful case for speaking up, and offers a framework for how to actually do it. I first found her work when I was navigating pregnancy loss, her book I Had a Miscarriage talked me through it, gently. Since then I have gifted it to all the people in my life dealing with this weird loss that often goes unspoken.Jessica shares her own story of pregnancy loss, and how it shaped her career and her capacity for truth-telling. We both believe in the power of vulnerability, and in creating things that help people feel less alone.What is something you are wanting to talk about? I will be here with you…The audio is in the post. Listen when you’re walking, folding laundry, or hiding in the bathroom from your children. With love & scraps of hope,CarissaPSPPS I’m doing a series of events with Happy Women Dinners in the Fall— one in the SF Bay Area and one in Los Angeles. To reserve a seat, email jill@happywomendinners.com. The ticket ($150) includes a signed copy of Breathe Through It, dinner/brunch, a Q&A with me and Tara Schuster, and some hang time with other women.SAN FRANCISCO: Sunday, September 7th, 12pm-2:00pm (private home in the Oakland Hills)LOS ANGELES: Thursday, October 23rd, 6:30pm-8:30pm (private home in Encino)There will be other events to come!PPPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Proof of Life. Proof of Enough.This week, I had the joy of talking with Jennifer Pastiloff, bestselling author of On Being Human, about her powerful new book Proof of Life — and wow.This book is a reminder that being messy, tender, and still here is more than enough. It’s a kind of miracle.Lately, I’ve been giving small bundles — fresh food, flowers, a handwritten note — and realizing they’re really just that: proof of life. A way to say, “I see you. You’re already enough.”Jennifer’s book is that, too. Honest, funny, raw, and deeply alive.👉 Pre-order Proof of Life here or check out her upcoming book events here.Trust me — you’ll want to read it. It made me just feel good. I hope it makes you feel something, anything, and let that be enough.With love, Carissa Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Hi, it’s Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Are you an anxious person? I am. So when I saw the headline “This book is for anxious women,” I had to get it.I feel oddly calmed and understood by the complex social dynamics of Curtis Sittenfeld. It is almost like she is in my head in the moments of cringe when I find myself saying the exact wrong thing for the moment I am in. In our conversation, we talk about the actual equation for being a creative success, the role of luck in our lives, and how to navigate complex social dynamics. Her new collection of short stories focuses on exploring mid-life through overturning our beliefs about ourselves and the events that define us. Show Don’t Tell is a celebration of enduring friendship. It made me think about how the friends in my life show up for me and how I want to show up for them. You know, the people who you can be yourself all the time? The friends who show up when you get a difficult diagnosis. Or have a bad day. After reading, I felt the desire to reach out to the people in my life. To dig into each other’s lives becuase there is nothing else more interesting (to me atleast). Share this post with your bestie…I felt this weird pull towards Curtis in this interview, almost like I longed to be in her life, and I didn’t want our conversation to end. She is a master storyteller. When I re-listened to our interview, I felt this giddy joy, the joy that comes from almost a crush. There are lots of secrets—I hope you enjoy.Sending love, CarissaPS Both Curtis and I have direct ties to Minnesota. My heart goes out to everyone there in their shock and grief. I just don’t understand. Something I will say, is that I am taking comfort in lowering the “horizon line.” I am reaching out to the people close to me, calling my congress members, going to small gatherings, and smiling as often as I can. When I feel overwhelmed with the terror and horror of the world as I understand it, I recommend this portal for hope.PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.PPPS My book is OUT. Get your copy here. Or from your local bookstore. I am so grateful to be able to do things that make me feel like I have a purpose in this life. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Wanting Both: Motherhood, Art, and the Questions That LingerHi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets.For the longest time, I believed I’d just know whether I wanted to be a mom. Like a bolt of clarity would strike. But the truth is, I didn’t know. Not really. And for a long time, I thought I had to choose—between being an artist and being a mother. But here’s the thing: I’m greedy. I want both.And I think I’m not alone.The world doesn’t make much space for the in-between—the questions, the ambivalence, the complexity of redefining what motherhood can look like. There's pressure to decide, to know, to fit within timelines and expectations. But what happens when we don’t? What happens when we still don’t know, even as time presses on? At 42 I am still trying to reconcile what the “right” thing is for my life and have come to terms with I will probably never really know. This week, I sat down with the writer Ruthie Ackerman to talk about her new book, The Mother Code. Reading it was like having someone reach into my head and put my most private, unspoken thoughts onto the page. Ruthie names the tension so many of us feel—the biological clock ticking louder with each year, the internal tug-of-war between art and family, freedom and rootedness. We talked about:* Maternal ambivalence, the not being 100% sure if you want kids—how common it is, and how rarely we talk about it* Redefining family narratives and how the women who raised us shape what we imagine for ourselves* The desire to do life/motherhood differently—even when we don’t know what “different” looks like* What is enoughness in life? Specifically, how delusional we are in romantic relationships. Ruthie’s honesty cracked something open for me, and I think it will for you too. Whether you’re a parent, never want kids, feel unsure, or just love real conversations about the messiness of personhood, this episode is for you. I’m so excited to share this one with you. I hope it resonates as deeply with you as it did with me. If you know someone who is feeling ambivalent about life, motherhood, and art, I would be delighted if you shared this with them…With love and curiosity,CarissaPS Grab a copy of The Mother Code here. And I am a die-hard fan of her substack here:PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.PPPS I have a book that is coming out SO SOON. Pre-order sales are crucial for helping us understand if there's interest in the book. If you’re able, please consider preordering your copy here.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a podcast I do because I love doing it. Thanks for finding it. And getting up this morning. You rock. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Hi, it's Carissa, and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. Before I had a kid, my garden was my holy place. Still is, just things are a little more wild now.This week, I talk with Debbie Millman from Design Matters about her book Love Letter to a Garden—a quiet, beautiful reflection on what it means to grow something, and to be changed by it. That gardening offers us relief and connection in the face of uncertainty.We talk about love, partnership, the cross-country move she made to be with Roxane Gay during the pandemic.It’s a conversation about abundance, attention, and learning to choose what truly matters. I hope you find something, anything really that helps connect you in this moment. “I’m so very lucky; I get to watch things live and grow and fade away. When I fail, I get to try again.” -Debbie MillmanA Love Letter to a Garden is the perfect gift for someone you love, offering a meditation of patience, trust, and the hope of something beautiful. Get a copy here.Debbie Millman (born 1961) is an American writer, educator, artist, curator, and designer who is best known as the host of the podcast Design Matters.[1] She is the chair and co-founder of the Masters in Branding Program at the School of Visual Arts in New York City, with Steven Heller and President Emeritus of the American Institute of Graphic Arts (AIGA) and chair.[2]Millman has authored seven books. She is a co-owner and editorial director of Print magazine.[3] Her writing and illustrations have appeared in many major publications, including the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Magazine, The Baffler, and Fast Company and more. Her artwork has been included in many museums and institutes including the Design Museum of Chicago and the Boston Biennale.[2]As always, I have not given up on you. Or hoping. Just grateful to be with you in this moment. Love, CarissaPS. I have a show opening in Santa Cruz on May 3rd. It is with Sydney who I love in her new space called And Friends. PPS Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here. Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe

Hey everyone, it is Carissa and this is Bad at Keeping Secrets. What to do when you get dumped? There is no real guide, telling you how to actually just be. Today I am talking to mother/daughter collaborators Suzy Hopkins and Hallie Bateman about finding meaning and connection in difficult experiences. There is something so universal in our heartbreak that connects us all, this is truly a guide in unbreaking your heart. I hope you enjoy it.Get a copy of the book here.BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS is a random newsletter talking about life stuff. It’s so cool that somehow you found your way here…Got a friend dealing with heartbreak? They might need this post…In case you don’t have the time to listen or get the book, we discussed Hallie and Suzy’s collaboration process, personal experiences with generational trauma, and the impact of heartbreak on their lives. We also explored the concept of finding meaning in difficult experiences and the importance of open communication in dealing with such issues. Our conversation ended with a discussion on the universality of emotions in the aftermath of heartbreak. We think we are alone, but we are so not alone. Follow Hallie here:Love to everyone. Including you. And those little things your heart desires. Those too.Suzy and Hallie sent a copy of their book to give away to you! Comment here if you need this (people in the usa only, sorry I can’t ship worldwide, even though heartbreak is a global thing).XO, CarissaPS. Bad At Keeping Secrets is a podcast by Carissa Potter (me). The audio was produced by Officially Quigley, and the sound editing was done by Mark McDonald. Mark helps people start podcasts, and I highly recommend him if you have been thinking about starting one. You can sign up for a free meeting with him here.PPS Just a last reminder that my new book Breathe Through It is available for preorder here. In case you are a highly anxious person and you want to start a meditation practice but don’t know where to start… Get full access to BAD AT KEEPING SECRETS at peopleiveloved.substack.com/subscribe