Alan Weiss's The Uncomfortable Truth®

We seem to have a sense of entitlement. We believe we’re being “ghosted” (a ridiculous term) when people don’t return our calls because we didn’t sufficiently impress them or excite them in our earlier interactions. We’re not entitled to: • Clients who never change a schedule • Not having an opinion on business practices • Using non-validated testing instruments • Always ignoring the dinner check • Deducting the family car as a business expense • Using a client’s logo without permission • Showing me your “smile sheets” to impress me • Expect a client refund on a non-refundable ticket • Use or refer to others’ work without attribution • Expecting well-known people to be on your podcast • Contact people through an assistant for a favor • Coach for months with no results We seem to shift the blame for unpleasantness to the client, our family, the environment, technology, and the family dog. Dogs can bite. So, this attitude can bite you right back. Take some accountability. In fact, assume all of it as your accountability and you’ll truly be in charge of your fate. Otherwise, you may be running a solo business with the stereotypical toxic boss.

You steer into a skid; you don't try to get out of it because then you lose control. We have to exploit opportunities and deal with setbacks resiliently—"bouncing forward." Blaming and complaining are for children and immature adults. Never let up. The key is to be at your best when you're under the maximum pressure.  We should be able to make minor and major adjustments in our lives and work and constantly innovate to grow. The key is to never be complacent and to ask why we didn't succeed when we expected to (even with clients). This is how the best players can consistently make free throws in basketball. Why the best of us can improvise and extemporize. We can create historical memory where we are reinforced as "winners." We should seek respect, not affection.  And never be embarrassed by winning.

Relativism holds that knowledge, truth, and morality exist in relation to culture, society, and/or historical context and are not absolute. I’m not so sure (nor are a lot of other people). Let me speak of relativism today. There is an old Monty Python skit where a one-legged man auditions for a theatrical role as Tarzan. After some awkward movements, the people in the dark of the theater say, “Thanks, we’ll get back to you.” The man plaintively asks, “Do I have a chance at all of being considered?”  “Well,” answers a producer, “I supposed we would come to you first before a man with no legs at all.” In Rhode Island, there are two public schools that stand out among all the others in terms of grade-point averages, performance on standardized tests, and admission to colleges. They are hailed as the avatars. Yet neither is in the top 100 of such schools nationally. A great many high school all-stars can’t make the team in college, and most college all-stars never make the pros. Some people snidely point out that a Chrysler or a Genesis looks just like a Bentley. Perhaps, until you place them next to a Bentley.  A Campbell’s soup can painting or a banana taped to a canvas might go at an auction for seven figures, but they’re ludicrously considered against the Mona Lisa, The Nightwatch, The Scream, or Guernica. We tend to lose perspective if we don’t open our vistas, widen our interests, travel to new places, and gain new friends. You may well, rightfully, enjoy the view from a ski chalet, but the Grand Canyon is hard to describe adequately once you’ve been there in person. While I was trying to hide at a party, a college professor’s wife mentioned to me that her husband had published four books over 12 years. “That’s impressive,” I offered, looking for an escape route. “Impressive?!” she repeated in a stentorian voice, “It’s more than that! How many people do you know who have done that?”

The post-mortems from those who did not back the winner in this presidential election seem to be two-fold. On one hand, we have a group of insightful people asking, “What did we do wrong, and how can we improve?” On the other, we have people whose heads are exploding in vitriol and venom.  The latter’s basic premises are that those who voted for the winner were fooled, are ignorant and poorly educated, and are “f…ing” morons. The amount of profanity seems to be in direct proportion to the lack of an intelligent argument.  The overwhelming number of people who didn’t vote for the Democratic candidate are not misogynistic, racist, or any other epithet. They just did not prefer that candidate.  Perhaps “woke is broke.” Perhaps the price of consumer goods, the lack of any cogent immigration policy, and persistent, independent polls indicating that Americans didn’t like the direction of the country shouldn’t have been ignored.  There’s too much arrogance around, too much self-illusion that one’s opinion is more than an opinion; it is the “moral high ground.” Maybe. Or maybe it’s something we experienced when we were young and won a game fair and square, but the other side complained that we won the game by cheating. We called them “sore losers.”

We all need friends, but not the same ones! Friends need to evolve as we grow, mature, and change. Marshall Goldsmith and I wrote Lifestorming together, and we somewhat disagreed on this, but he wrote the terrific book What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, so I think this applies to friends, as well! Your spouse is your best friend? That’s a cop-out.  You need people who will push back, tell you the truth, mourn with you, and celebrate with you. I’d prefer an honest critic to a lying friend. We don’t need our egos protected, we need to grow. Long-time friends can poison you with their poverty mentality, “guilting” you about your spending, habits, or lifestyle. They can insist on the same places and the same experiences “for old time’s sake.” “When it’s cold,” said Hemingway, “home is where you go, and they have to take you in.” Fair enough. But with friends, they don’t have to take you in, but they choose to do so. Have you been to school reunions? If so, you’ve found that people are basically the same as they were X years ago, with very few exceptions. It’s nice, perhaps, to see them again, but you’ve outgrown them.

This election reflects a totally flawed Democratic strategy: • Painting your opponent as toxic but not having positive policies. • A candidate who cannot speak without a teleprompter and memorized sound bites. • A morally superior attitude that conveys people voting for the opposition are less educated, dumber, and morally inferior. • Rallying celebrity support, media support, Hollywood support, and academic support—which actually was terribly off-putting. • Somehow maintaining the paradox that their candidate was superior in every way yet claiming the election would be close, thereby implying half the population was stupid. • Transgender and DEI focus pales next to prices, immigration, and a sense of security in a turbulent world. • Calling illegal aliens “undocumented” and the homeless “unhoused” is simply disingenuous, like calling rioters “undocumented shoppers.” The overwhelmingly liberal newsreaders on election night were actually grimacing and shaking their heads in disbelief at the results, having previously believed their opinions to be the fact. The real culprit here is Joe Biden, who claimed to be a “transitional president,” i.e., serving one term, and who broke that promise, fell ill with age, and the Democratic reaction to obviously try to hide it until exposed during the first debate. Then, to preserve $160 million pledged to the Biden/Harris ticket, they didn’t hold a true convention but maneuvered an ill-prepared and terribly unsuited Kamala Harris into the nomination. How many heads are exploding this morning at the New York Times and on the progressive talk show The View? Do we have an airport express lane for all those celebrities who will now be leaving the country? We don’t have to “make this country great again,” it IS a great country with free elections and people unafraid to make their sentiments known at the ballot box, sometimes waiting hours to do so. You can now support the country or waste your time castigating people who disagree with you but who may just have turned out to be far smarter, after all, than you are. God Bless America!

The turning point in the American Civil War—and probably world history—occurred in Gettysburg on a rise called Little Round Top. At that place, at that time, a Union general saw a vast threat, and a Union Colonel and his regiment averted the threat through the brilliance of a single command. We need more courage in our lives because, unlike Gettysburg, no one is shooting at us. We are too easily placed on the defensive by bullies, the economy, regulations, normative pressure, or simply fear. But we can easily regain control of our circumstances by playing offense instead of defense, by being assertive instead of timid, and by being bold instead of afraid.  This is the true story of a relatively few people doing what they were expected to do, under great pressure, and with great courage.  I remind you, once again, that no one is shooting at us.

We all get the kind of government we deserve. If you voted for the winner of the election, that’s good until such time as you feel promises aren’t being kept. If you voted for the loser of the election, that means not enough people in the right places agreed with you, and you have to submit to the system. However, you’re still free to protest, be surprised by some things that are advantageous to you, and wait for next time. If you didn’t vote at all, then you simply have to accept the government that other people voted for, and you have sacrificed your right to complain about it. If you didn’t vote, you obviously don’t feel strongly about anything enough to try to affect the election. (The US ranks 31st of 50 countries in voter turnout, albeit 22 of them mandate voting, so you could make a case we’re high on the list, but with 40 million not turning out, that number would easily sway an election one way or the other.) To be somewhat cynical, we have no good metrics for politicians because most of them put their own needs (to stay in power) before their constituents’ needs. I love the newsletter you get two weeks before election day, as though the candidate at any level really cares. If they did, why aren’t the newsletters weekly or monthly?  And politicians are really like children, trying to take the ball and go home if they don’t get their way. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse up here in Rhode Island honks long and loud about Supreme Court term limits and/or expanding the court to include more justices who share his view. He wouldn’t feel this way if the court had already agreed with his biases.  Whitehouse will be elected to his fifth Senate term this year, which is 30 years, and he’s never suggested any term limits on the Senate, which would be a far better system than people holding these offices for life. That’s how transparently hypocritical he is. But so are they all! It’s like the rigged trotting races that took place in the Meadowlands of New Jersey when I was young. Betters simply tried to choose the horse which was rigged to win. Today, we simply try to choose the politician who’s probably lying the least.

Bill Russell, in Second Wind, defines pressure and performance. For example: - Brady coming back from 25 points down in the second half of the Super Bowl. - Houston, we have a problem (Apollo 13). - Sully Sullenberger landing in the Hudson River.  The need is to really stay calm. - Three Mile Island as opposed to Chornobyl. - Bluffing in poker (vs. the “tell”). - Is Mickey Mouse a dog or a cat? - Police overreaction. - The basketball player’s wink. Keep perspective, the world isn’t watching. Most pressure is self-generated. Think of Philippe Petit and the six feet. Use some humor. It’s usually not fatal if you fail. Puncture the pressure balloon.

Many people in Rhode Island have never been to Boston, let alone New York. I’ve coached a very successful entrepreneur who has never been to New York and doesn’t wish to go. Most people can’t locate Bolivia or Laos (or Nebraska) on a map. When Americans in a survey were asked the three most famous Japanese they could think of, it was Bruce Lee, Yoko Ono, and Godzilla. Or not? Through my travels abroad, I learned: - To eat “European style.” - People are far more multi-lingual than we are. - Computers in foreign airport restrooms tell you how many stalls are available, and you can rate the cleanliness. - Floating markets of Thailand (and the Cayman). - The immensity of the Great Wall (some of which can’t be fixed today). - The Acropolis uses the same machinery today to repair it as was used to build it. - The exquisite wines of Chile don’t travel well. - The modernized airport immigration systems. - There is better first class (Emirates, Air Singapore). - Some lamps are older than our country. - The timeless artistry (Leonardo, Michelangelo, Caravaggio, Rodin, Mozart, Vivaldi). - Bikes, scooters, motorcycles, and trains are used for everyday commutes. - People in the US are stagnantly Americentric. We see the world through distorted lenses: US TV, US papers, US social media friends. If it’s truly a global economy, we ought to be a global people. Diversity goes beyond borders.

Esteem means respect and admiration. Hence, self-esteem would mean respect and admiration for yourself. Self-worth and self-esteem are the same thing to me, whereas self-confidence is your faith (or lack thereof) that you can do something: efficacy. Pride is feeling proud of your accomplishments, but vanity is insisting that others hear about them, as well. The pandemic, foreign wars, polarization, AI, demographic change, and climate change are all contributing to the diminishment of self-esteem. People feel as if they’ve lost control, need too much permission (TSA), and lack power. Pandemic approaches seemed to be more about politics than medicine. And the internet is rife with conspiracies and misinformation.  How do we resolve this and reclaim our power and esteem? • Be healthy. Exercise, have a reasonable diet, and get medical checkups. • Love yourself. How can anyone else love you if you can’t love you? • Don’t jump to conclusions and make assumptions. Find the facts. • Don’t fret. Find ways to take action. • Talk positively about yourself, don’t speak about your “struggles” or “fears.” • Isolate negatives and generalize positives. • Create a sounding board, a support system, and enlist trusted others. • Recognize that if the cause is emotionally deep and traumatic, you probably need therapeutic help. • Journal your accomplishments and successes. • Practice a morning/evening ritual. Be honest about your successes, that’s not boasting. But if you don’t recognize the talents and abilities that led to your successes, you’ll always feel like an imposter.

The rate of failures of small businesses is astounding: 20% fail during the first two years, 45% during the first five years, and 65% during the first ten years.  While there are myriad reasons, such as succeeding generations of ownership not being as motivated or competent, most of these fail under the original founders and owners. That’s because they tend to think of their business and tasks and not the customer’s happiness and results.  In this episode, I discuss the 20 or so common mistakes and oversights that contribute to the problems. For example, most owners don’t sufficiently shop their own businesses, hire “bodies” instead of talented people, and view customers as an impediment to doing business the way they’d prefer! Instead of passing on every possible cost to the customer, client, or patient, small businesses should be passing on every possible value and benefit. They should make it easy for the buyer to buy. I’ve come to believe “Someone will be right with you” about as much as I believe “This call may be recorded for quality control purposes.” Just because you own a small business doesn’t mean you can get by with a small mind.

Some suggestions to build credibility with a buyer during the initial meeting. (This assumes you’re meeting with a true economic buyer who controls the budget.) 1. Assume a peer mentality. Don’t allow yourself to be cast in a “dog and pony show.” (I suggest you never show up with visual aids for this very reason.) Adapt an attitude that the two of you are peers mutually exploring a working relationship. Either of you might accept or reject it. 2. Be patient. Don’t barge into silence and state, “Let me tell you about myself.” You’re not there, believe it or not, to get a sale. You’re there to develop a relationship. That might require several meetings. 3. Use provocative questions to get the buyer to talk about him- or herself, or at least the company. Show an interest in the buyer and the business. 4. Do your homework. Learn the current stock price, the company history, the major competition, and the primary markets served. Become conversant in the client’s business environment before you meet the buyer. 5. Push back. Choose your spots to disagree with the buyer. At least offer alternative viewpoints. Relationships are based on honesty and candor. 6. Offer immediate value. Demonstrate some techniques or approaches that might be applicable. Don’t wallow in theory, and do not focus on your exceptional credentials. Instead, provide help. 7. Embrace the buyer. Use “we” and “us.” Orient your conversation around how the two of you would partner, not what “you” would do to “them.” Encourage the buyer to think about the two of you working in concert. 8. Focus on business outcomes. Spend as little time as possible on alternatives and input (e.g., training, surveys, retreats, audits), and emphasize results (e.g., market share, improved teamwork, higher profits). 9. Ensure that your image is professional. Dress well, even in a business casual environment. (Expensive casual clothes are indicative of successful people.) Make sure your grooming is appropriate. Use the language perfectly. 10. Take the initiative. Ask about and reaffirm the meeting time frame and the agenda. Suggest next steps. Summarize what you’ve heard. Act like someone accustomed to working with high-level people. You won’t close every deal or charm every buyer, but at least ensure that it’s not because you’re your own worst enemy.

There are 330 million people in the US that we know of. There are 12,500 school districts, 18,000 police departments, 17,000 libraries, 400 different languages spoken, 45,000 flights per day, 5 million privately and commercially owned vehicles, 200,000 dentists, and 641 amusement parks.  There are nation-states (Japan, Korea), multi-state nations (Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Kuwait), and multi-nation states (US, UK). The US is probably the most pluralistic and diverse nation on the planet, especially in these numbers. Comparing us to Denmark, Thailand, or New Zealand is plain silly. I'm not disparaging those nations; I've been to them and another 60 besides, and like almost all of them (apparently, I'm alone in finding Iceland totally boring and Brazil scary). It's like saying if a hybrid Kia can get 60 miles to the gallon, why can't a Ford pickup? Well, because they're entirely different vehicles with different appeals and purposes. I pointed out to a client in Denmark while arguing these points that there are no lines of people at Denmark's borders seeking entry and citizenship. "Well, you're right about that," he said, "and if there were, we wouldn't let them in." There's a lot of room for improvement in the US, and, in all fairness, there's been a lot of improvement, and people are better off than they think they are because they haven't been to 60 other countries (and, in many cases, even one) and they're drowned in bad news by media that reports calamity where none exists and refrains from reporting good news as if that's the calamity. By the way, there are 2,700 commercial news channels in the US, and I'm not sure that's a good category to be leading (we're 4th, after Russia, China, and the EU).

This is a marketing lesson for the Catholic Church. I’m a lector and a Eucharistic Minister in the Church and converted 18 years ago. As some of you know, I’ve also spent a great deal of my coaching and consulting career in the field of strategy and have written two commercially published books on the topic. The average age in the church my wife and I attend is north of 60. Young people are not drawn to the church in the numbers of old, and as the population ages, it also diminishes. Churches are closing and being combined because there aren’t enough priests to go around. They, too, are aging as young men aren’t becoming seminarians in large numbers.  Strategically, the Church needs to permit women and married men to become priests, as is the case in many other religions. This would provide not only more people, but more diversity: female points of view (Mary is important only second to Jesus in the Church and many people feel they’re equal), and priests experienced in marriage, raising children, and intimate matters.  Tactically, the Church needs to equip existing and future priests with the ability to deliver pragmatic sermons which reflect how Christianity is to be lived daily, not just one day a week for an hour within certain edifices. (And even then, I often don’t get a break trying to get out of the parking lot.) I have heard, nationally and internationally, some brilliant sermons delivered by priests, bishops, and cardinals. But too often, the sermon is existential and philosophical, not something parishioners can take with them back home or to work. Too many priests read their sermons, which are horrible and not very heartfelt. And often, what they’re reading are their notes from when they first gave that sermon 40 years ago. The church needs to be audience-centered, not clergy-centered, and priests (as well as lectors) need to be instructed in professional speaking skills. (This is why the mega-churches always have highly skilled homilists, by the way). And there’s also humor to be found. St. Augustine said, “Lord, please make me a good man. But not too soon!” Church is community. The community deserves more than a shepherd; it deserves a diverse clergy whose messages can be applied to improve lives immediately, delivered in powerful and effective ways. So help me God.

The agenda of inequality and wealth focused only on the richest might not reconcile with reality. There have been increases in home ownership (even though buying always has its difficulties, from interest rates to inventory). There is a record of intergenerational wealth transfer from retirement savings and the Regan-era IRA legislation. In the West, family prosperity is higher than ever: assets, cash in banks, pension funds, etc. Daniel Waldenström's book Richer and More Equal makes a case that the West is richer and has less inequality than in the past.  US wealth concentration is higher than in Europe but is lower than before WWII. Major improvements that lower wealth concentration have been pension/retirement funds and home ownership.  Wealth improvement leads to successful business ventures, hiring, and investment, and the most net, new jobs. We are not there yet. Many inequities remain. Capitalism does a fine job generating wealth but not distributing it. It is an ethical and societal responsibility to help others who cannot generate wealth and/or who are denied the opportunity. One reason that we don't appreciate our well-being is that the media prefers to trumpet inequities and problems rather than progress and improvement. Another is that not every grievance expressed is legitimate because the loudest voices often are pursuing very private and personal interests. This podcast was stimulated by an article called The Great Wealth Wave by Daniel Waldenström, a professor of economics at the Research Institute of Industrial Economics in Stockholm. It was published in Aeon.

Just tell me what I want to know. People instead tell you everything that they know. College professors are reading their dissertation notes. Electricians are telling you about high and low voltage, amps, and watts. The tree guy tells you about diseases of poplars when you asked if he could prune some dead branches on an oak. The auto guy explains why a repair isn’t as easy as it looks because of the wiring, which is different from last year’s, which is subject to weather conditions…. On the other hand, there are some benefits. Keeping someone talking at a bar and not having to talk back. Feigning interest in someone’s work by asking a question every five minutes. But it doesn’t work with politicians because they put no stakes in the ground. The phrase “How Are You?” isn’t actually a legitimate question because the asker is not seeking an answer but merely providing the secret handshake. Catholic Confession can be burdensome when you confess to impure thoughts, and the priest’s reply is, “Let’s begin with Adam and Eve.” Of course, some answers are too brief. “Can I plug this in here?” Answer “yes,” but it doesn’t include “if you turn the power off, first.” General Anthony McAuliffe’s response to being asked to surrender around Christmas 1944 by the overwhelming German force facing him was “Nuts!” His forces held out and were rescued. I often go ask a question with a phone to my ear, ask out loud, “Can you hold on a minute while I ask a question?” ask my question, and then go back to my call. Of course, that didn’t work out too well in the Confessional.

Even in truly tough times and horrible market segments, there are winners and strong companies. You have to play the hand you’re dealt, and you have to play it well. If anything is happening to you more than two times out of ten, it’s you, not them. With high interest rates, houses are still being sold. With food being expensive, people are still dining out. But you can’t expect yesterday’s ideas to thrill people about tomorrow. Nor can you tap dance on hot coals, in sweat tents, or with rah-rah speakers. You have to show people that you have ideas for tomorrow, anticipating change, not answers to past problems. Don’t create false narratives that drive your approaches, e.g., “I can help you cut expenses” or “We need to lower our expectations.” Don’t allow your prospects’ fear to scare you or infect your thinking. The Titanic was a bad idea: mistaken design, insufficient lifeboats, and a poor route. FedEx was a great idea: postal service weakness, hub and spoke, “guarantees.” We are accountable. Not the fates or the winds or the tides or technology or society. Endure the brief pain of trying new approaches and innovating, or you’ll face the long-term pain of inevitable decline.

If you win a race by .001 seconds, have you really “won.”? And certainly, you’re not the “best in the world.” On that day, in that place, at that time, you finished barely ahead of the next person. What if you did it again an hour later? Of course, if you constantly and consistently win, you might be the best in the world or the best ever: Yankees, Celtics, Tom Brady, Rocky Marciano, Serena Williams, Jack Nicklaus. In subjective judging, it’s really a joke. Those that are the best also get the most benefit in the scoring. Brady threw touchdowns, or he didn’t. But the ice skaters, divers, gymnasts, surfers—those with the best records get the best treatment. Then again, there’s the doping and the cheating. The Chinese escaped disqualifications for doping by claiming they consumed “tainted meat.” I wonder who slipped them that? By the way, if the Olympics are about simply the fastest, strongest, etc., why keep medal counts and raise national flags to national anthems? What about the bad calls and missed calls from officials? Is break-dancing a sport? Isn’t there a practical requirement historically, such as in archery, fencing, judo, or running? Even the pommel horse was used originally to teach mounting and dismounting.  If break-dancing is a sport, why isn’t ballroom dancing, which has its own competitions globally and requires superb coordination, training, balance, and teamwork? I was at a Four Seasons where, early in the morning, there was a bed-making and floor-vacuuming competition. Why isn’t that an Olympic event? It’s a highly coordinated skill done billions of times a day worldwide? Tennis players are athletes. I don’t think golfers are, nor are race car drivers. They are certainly skilled and adept, but so are woodworkers and chess players. I understand the ambiguity of X and Y chromosomes and uncertain genitalia. However, I also know that women’s athletics and Title 9 were not intended for average male athletes to be stars in another venue. When you “eclipse” someone’s record, does it really count if you’re using vastly improved equipment, medical support, and venues? Hasn’t fiberglass improved vaulting over wood and bamboo? With modern sports medicine, Sandy Koufax would have had another six unsurpassed years. Brady couldn’t have played into his 40s. We’re a country of 330 million people, and it seems to me that the Australians, with 30 million, eat our lunch in the pool. And they’re not as insufferable as we are with the constant chants of USA, USA. (I do chant myself against the Russians and the Chinese.)  Finally, I don’t know about you, but the juxtaposition of athletes not supported by anything substantial and working with little money and not the greatest support at home, and the kibillionaire professional US basketball players, marching in the same parade and winning the same medals, well, come on….

The Olympics sparked several replays of an Australian swimmer, Cate Campbell, being interviewed on what I think was an Australian TV news show. In a prior competition, she had beaten out the Americans for the gold medal. The interviewer asked her what it was like.  She ranted on about how glorious it was because she detested the Americans using a cowbell to motivate the team and hated the chant of the fans, “USA, USA, USA,” which she mimicked in a sarcastic tone. Let me repeat: her team won. She was a sore winner. If you’re a world-class athlete and you can’t take the pressure of people rooting against you in favor of their teams or motivational techniques used to un-nerve the opposition, maybe you have some serious esteem problems. If you don’t want to endure the pressure of the limelight, don’t walk into it. I’ve been to Australia 19 times, I have friends and clients there, and I find Australians to be “in touch,” personable, and have a great sense of humor. It’s when we take ourselves too seriously when we feel we shouldn’t have to be subjected to boisterous fans, that our fragile egos are exposed. The same day the interview was first aired, the Australian women won the 4X100 meter relay, and the American men won their 4X100 meter relay. The Australians and Americans at the pool congratulated each other in good sportsmanship. So here’s to you Cate: Bong, Bong, Bong, Bong…..