Crafting Solutions to Conflict

To infer means to guess or use reasoning. Another definition is to conclude or judge from premises or evidence.To imply means to suggest indirectly or to indicate something without actually stating it. I, the listener or reader, need to try to figure out the message that you, the speaker or writer, are sending. And I might guess wrong. Not only am I interpreting what I hear and read through my personal filter. I am also trying to read through the lines to understand what you are trying to tell me.Double the trouble? Exponentially harder?I don’t know. I do know that we can be careful about what we imply, and we can try to avoid creating unnecessary problems. And we can be aware of our filter and consider when it might be doing us more harm than good. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/    

My most recent guest, Gerry O’Sullivan, talked with me about her process, The Journey of Inference. As she puts it succinctly: “Our Journey of Inference interprets the world of observable data according to our unique perspective or paradigm.”It’s clear from Gerry’s process and our conversation that our inferences can get us into trouble, precisely because we each carry a unique perspective or paradigm.Dictionary definitions of infer are, if not quite unique, not fully consistent.For example, one says infer means to conclude through reasoning. Another than infer means to guess or use reasoning. And yet another statesInfer can mean “to derive by reasoning; conclude or judge from premises or evidence.”It’s that guessing, those premises, that can wreak havoc.  Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

   https://www.osullivansolutions.ie/ You can also sign up for a free newsletter, view free videos, and get a taste of her book, The Mediator's Toolkit: Formulating and Asking Questions for Successful Outcomes (2nd Edition).Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/  

Our initial reaction to criticism can be exactly that: a reaction more than a response. And it can be black or white.Neither of those things tends to help.Better. Remind yourself that very few things in life are genuinely black or white.Take a pause. Take a breath.  Take a look at the criticism. No need to beat up on yourself or on the other person. View the criticism through a careful lens. One that includes analysis and also kindness to yourself and some grace to the other person. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

In the story of the Angry Man, the Buddha illustrates how to disarm criticism based or anger or rudeness. A young man came to insult the Buddha, but the Buddha did not become angry or insulted. Instead, he calmly asked the man a question: "If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom does it belong?". The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who offered it. The Buddha then calmly responded: The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who offered it. The Buddha then calmly responded: "And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me". Although we may be less calm, and might be wise to say nothing, the lesson remains: we don’t have to accept everything that is thrown at us.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Sam Osborne joins me today. We talk about his book, How to Beat the Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident.  We discuss the need to know your own values, how to deal with criticism positively, and how to believe in yourself when others don’t.You can learn more about Sam’s work and find resources at  https://www.selfworthsam.com/. Sam’s social media handle is selfworthsam.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

The mediation process can be tailored to the needs of the participants and the mediator. In fact, the process can evolve a bit over the course of multiple mediation sessions.The process can be focused on a very specific, time-limited, dispute that has erupted. Or it can be all about damaging simmering tensions that are lurking beneath the surface – with no blow-up … yet. Different situations, different approaches. The framework can be structured to the needs and goals. Will we even use the word “mediation”?  In my work, at times the word itself is thought to sound too harsh. Serving the people in conflict well is the whole point. Taking full advantage of mediation’s beautiful flexibility furthers that goal. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

When I started way back in January of 2019, conventional wisdom was that most podcasts die out after seven episodes. Now, over six years later, 90% of podcasts don’t make it past three episodes. They say that’s largely due to creators underestimating how much work is involved.  When I launched the podcast, I knew that I wanted to have a voice about conflict. A positive and practical perspective. That's been my goal all along and it will continue to be.  I remain convinced that we can all get more confident and more competent about dealing with conflict. There is plenty of work involved. To me, it’s worth the effort.  I welcome your suggestions about potential guests.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

In mediation, an impartial person helps the people involved to reach an agreement that works for them. Mediation is often said to consist of three main types.Some mediators stick quite closely to one approach.  Others feel comfortable favoring one or another in different situations. The lines can blur in practice more than they do in theory. Broadly speaking, the main “types” are evaluative, facilitative, and transformative.  Transformative is the least well-known of them. A fourth, narrative mediation, pops up occasionally in discussions in the conflict resolution field. Their names describe them well.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Phyllis Weiss Haserot joins me today. Phyllis has been curious about cross-generational communication for decades. She built on her natural ability with education and experience. We talk about the danger of making assumptions, the value in asking good questions, and the importance of continuing conversations. You can reach her by email here: pwhasarot@pdcounsel.com, find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/pwhaserot/.Her website, https://youcantgoogleit.com/ , contains tips and insights, as well as information about her books.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Last time, I talked about the virtue of making a plan. The situation isn’t good. Bad conflict is brewing. You have decided that it’s time for a chat.You want this chat to be productive. So how do you set up for success? One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.   Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What?         Excellent. You have made a plan. A good one. Oops.  As plans do, this one is about to fall apart. Something – or a few things – have changed. Now what? You can use the same approach to figure out your pivot.Of course, I have framed this all of this as considering how to set up for a productive chat and then pivot ahead of time.If the pivot needs to happen after the chat has begun, resist any temptation to plow ahead. Give yourself and the other person (or people) a chance to take a pause. Reconsider and then figure out what that pivot should look like. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Let’s imagine for a moment that you have decided that it’s time for a conversation, chat, or discussion.One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.  Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What? Giving careful thought to the planning process gives a boost to the probability of success. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

We send a message by the language we use.  In my work, some people don’t want to engage in mediation because they feel the connotation is too negative. But they are comfortable with the idea that I would be that trained, impartial third person who helps them navigate their way to a resolution.  If that language works for them, it’s fine by me.In informal settings, without a third party, what do you say when you want to broach a topic that might be challenging? Can we chat? Are you open to a conversation? Do you agree we need to discuss … whatever it is. Is it time for a meeting?Should we have a heart-to-heart?We can be conscious of our choice of language to describe this proposed interaction.  It sets the stage from the outset.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Chuck Wisner joins me to talk about his book, The Art of Conscious Conversations: Transforming how we talk, listen, and interact. We discuss four conversations that help us become conscious of our internal and external dialogue. And how four essential questions can expose our hidden – and often harmful – internal thoughts, assumptions, and judgments. You can learn more about Chuck and his work here: https://www.chuckwisner.com/ .  You can find him on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/chuck-wisner/ and on Instagram here: chuck_wisner.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

Here’s a quote from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, that sums up Connecting Compassionately With Ourselves: “When we are internally violent towards ourselves, it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others.” To exercise self-compassion we can evaluate ourselves in ways that promote growth instead of self-hatred. When we have been less than perfect, we can focus on a desire to enrich life for ourselves and others rather than to shame or guilt-trip ourselves. We can avoid “shoulding” ourselves.We can recognize judgmental self-talk when it happens and then quickly focus our attention on underlying needs that may not have been met. Feelings and unmet needs may have stimulated past actions which we now regret.When we acknowledge that possibility, we can better exercise self-forgiveness. Going forward, we can then be conscious of what need is being served by the choices we make.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed the concept of Nonviolent Communication – or NVC.  His book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life, begins with this quote, capturing the fundamental premise of NVC: “What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” Specific forms of language are identified as alienating us from our natural state of compassion, including moralistic judgments, making comparisons, and denying responsibility. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Ruschelle Khanna joins me to talk about her book, Inherited Trauma and Family Wealth: A Guide to Heal Your Relationships and Build a Lasting Legacy.  We talk about her work as a family therapist and the four pillars of her ECHO Legacy Manifesto: Effective Communication, Compassionate Decision-Making, Honoring Resources, and Openness to Receive. You can learn more about Ruschelle, the book, and her work here: https://www.lifestyleforlegacy.com/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Two weeks ago, I published a conversation with Russell Harvey. We talked about his work and, specifically, his belief that resilience can mean more than simply bouncing back but springing forward – with learning.  He brought up the idea of building on your strengths.  Fundamentally, we are likely to be doing something well. Quite a few episodes ago, I talked about playing to your strengths. Now, with Russell’s inspiration, I encourage you to not only recognize your strengths, but to build on them. Use them more often. Use them even sooner, when it seems warranted. Explore them more deeply. Capitalize on what you are doing well.Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ 

My most recent guest, Russell Harvey, talked with me about resilience. In fact, he defines resilience this way: “Resilience is the ability to cope with life’s challenges and become stronger as a result.”What if we apply that definition specifically to interpersonal conflicts? A viewpoint that we can improve our “ability to cope with life’s conflicts and become stronger as a result”, to echo Russell’s words. I would say that it’s worth a try. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/

Russell Harvey joins me to talk about a new way to view resilience. Not just bouncing back, but springing forward with learning. I learn about Russell’s Resilience Wheel, a framework featuring seven different areas – each important individually and as they interact with each other. You can learn more about Russell’s work and see The Resilience Wheel at his website: https://www.theresiliencecoach.co.uk/ You can find Russel on LinkedIn here:https://www.linkedin.com/in/russelltheresiliencecoach/Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/