Dear Men: How to Rock Sex, Dating, and Relationships With Women

Ever felt intimidated when your woman was upset (about something that involved you)? Ever gotten defensive, stonewalled, or made her wrong -- "that's not what I meant, so you shouldn't feel that way"?You're not alone!And there's a high cost; this can be exhausting for you. Whether you're just dating or married, if you're at the mercy of her feelings, you likely feel out of control. You're only OK if she's OK. And you're not OK if she's not OK.The truth is, holding space for a woman’s upset or hurt is one of the most profound ways you can love her. It also builds safety in a relationship in a way nothing else can.Learn to do this skillfully, and you will experience true freedom in relationship. Bonus? You knowing how to hold her full range of expression will als leads to very hot sex. ;) When she feels deeply accepted and held, even in her "big" feelings, she will often open to you like a gorgeous, radiant flower.

When it comes to love relationships, whether you're dating or in a committed, long-term relationship, there's one place where you need to be skillful or it will all just fall apart.It might not happen right away; you might get through the honeymoon period or even get married and it might be fine. But little by little, if this skill isn't developed and you as a couple can't "get there," you're very likely to end up in a sexless relationship, or a volatile one that you feel like you can't get out of.Here we get vulnerable about what we've seen not work in this area, and what we've seen be uplifting and helpful.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

We've worked with a lot of men who fit into the category of Nice Guys (a la Dr. Robert Glover's famous book, No More Mr. Nice Guy). And we've witnessed tremendous grown, the breaking of old patterns and habits, and astounding progress in these men.Here, we discuss the top 3 things we've seen Nice Guys do to get to get what they want -- and how to transform in ways that are lasting. We discuss patterns that lead to breakthroughs, and celebrate the wins of men who've experienced them.Remember: Even when things feel hopeless or stuck, someone has come before you. You are not alone, and personal growth work works. Keep the faith. We are with you.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“She likes me for emotional support, but she’s not attracted to me.”“Now I don’t have to hold that, ‘What if?’”“You don’t have to get stuck in the purgatory that a lot of Nice Guys are in.”“He really just owned it.”“This frozen place starts to thaw out and they just start moving.”

Almost every single woman in a relationship (dating or married) needs reassurance sometimes. Unfortunately, many men don't know how to provide it in a way that really lands for her, which often causes unnecessary strife and disconnection.In one man's words, "I used to be the classic male 'fixer' and thought I would be the one to save the day by giving out suggestions of how she could overcome her anxiety. Surely one of those would work. The more suggestions or solutions to her issues I could come up, the better job I thought I was doing. After several years of this seemingly not working to soothe her anxiety, and sometimes making it worse, I have learned she is not looking for this."So what is she looking for? Here, we share our personal experiences around anxiety and effective soothing. We break it down into two categories of anxiety: when we're upset or challenged by something in life (work, family, friendships, etc.), and when we're upset about something in the relationship itself.If you've ever had a partner who fears she's too much, who looks to you for reassurance, or to whom you've wanted to provide deep, reliable, calming care and safety, you'll appreciate this one. Bonus? When you learn to soothe her well, you become even sexier to her.---Quotes from this episode:"'Are you looking for solutions or comfort?'""Sometimes not saying anything at all but just being able to listen is all she needs to be soothed.""I also assure her that I'm here for all of it, especially when she seems nervous that her emotions are 'too much.'""Validate my reasoning; even if it’s not rational to you, it’s logical to ME.""Our relationship has soared to new heights after learning how to properly soothe my woman."

According to my sex research, women's number one sex problem is physical pain.The truth is, it's painful when sex hurts -- for both people. Not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner.How do you handle it if she has pain during sex, whether you're just starting out in dating or you're in a committed relationship? And how do you handle your own emotional pain or guilt around still having sexual needs?If you've ever been with a woman who was sleeping with you because she felt she "should," you know the pain of which I speak. Perhaps you were married and you sensed that she saw it as her wifely duty to keep you sexually satisfied. But that's not what you wanted -- you wanted her to be an enthusiastic participant in sex, not a passive recipient who was only doing it to please you.Here, Z describes the ways she was actually quite sexually closed as a newlywed, despite having sex with her partner. She talks about the shifts she and her husband went through once they got married ... and how (lack of) sex played a big role in why they got divorced.There are also deeper layers underlying this issue, and we delve into them. And spoiler alert -- the good news is that this story has a happy ending. Healing is always possible, and Z has experienced it. Sex is now pleasurable for her, and she's far more sexually open than before.Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever felt like there was a "right" answer to a question a woman asked you, or a "right" way to respond to a situation with her? Did it feel like if you did the "wrong" thing, there would be consequences? Then you've likely been tested!Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we define it, why we did/do it, what it sounded like, and the vulnerabilities underneath. We also discuss how the ways a man responds to tests can potentially lead to more connection, respect, and, ultimately, love.As one member of GirlTalk put it, "At the core level it's, 'Do you love me?'"---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"For me, knowing the truth has me feel safe.""How hard is he trying to see me and get to know me better?""It’s OK that you’re angry with me right now.""Will you fight for me to stay?""Are you going to create space for me to talk about my feelings?" "I really want to hear what you have to share. It’s important to me."

Ever feel like you're being deliberately provoked by your woman? Or that she sometimes pushes and pushes until she gets a rise out of you -- often about what seem like tiny things? This pattern can be confusing until you understand the deeper reasons for it. And it's quite a common in dating and relationships, though we don't often discuss it explicitly. Related to polarity, the way Jason puts it is that "the poke is a call for presence and deeper feeling." It's not always the most mature or conscious way of relating. And the truth is, we as human beings don't always act in the most mature fashion. But if we can grasp the underlying vulnerabilities that drive us, then we often hit on wells of compassion that help us deepen and relax into love in ways we couldn't before.Remember: Personal growth works. It's not a straight line, but it's always worth it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"I need to pause you right there.""It’s meant to evoke, 'Where are you?’ And ‘I’m having a hard time trusting your right now.'""This ties into a common masculine feeling of, 'I’m not enough.'""Sometimes there’s a sense of, 'Oh, yeah, caught red-handed. I actually wasn’t here.'""Acting out is another kind of poke."

Ever gotten the sense that a woman is sizing you up ... deciding whether you match up with a list she has in her head around her ideal partner?You might be right. Whether you're online dating, speed dating, or meeting someone in real life, a lot of women do have a list, and it can be confusing or even frustrating when you interface with it.Here, we discuss the nuances of "the list" -- the why behind it, how to engage with it, and the tension between the need to be open/flexible, and the need to stick with personal boundaries.If you have your own list, you’ll likely also relate to this. And you may also relate to the feeling of wanting things to be neat and tidy — to be fully prepared for relationship and have your partner match up with all your expectations.To which I’d share Violet's words: “Would I rather be alone for the next decade, or would I rather have the experience of loving and being loved, and have it be messy?"---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“He has a nice resume; I thought he’d be a good guy.”“My desires and yearnings are holy and I want them to be fulfilled.”“When we cut off our heart in dating, we’re missing a rich human experience.”“You never know what’s going to delight and surprise you.”“If you want emotional safety, you have to be vulnerable.”

What does it actually mean to be needy? We use the term a lot, and sometimes in less-than-kind ways -- both in terms of describing others as well as ourselves.Having needs is a universal experiences. Humans, animals, plants, and every living thing has certain needs. Human beings need food, water, and sleep on a biological level -- and we also need love, respect, and a sense of belonging. If we don't have these needs met, then we have reactions. In a love relationship, it can feel difficult or even overwhelming to advocate for certain needs to be met -- for example, physical affection, quality one-on-one attention, or sex. Neediness nearly always stems from old wounds, so it can be hard to bring this kind of thing forward with a partner.The truth is, we're all needy. We all have certain needs, and our partner is not responsible for meeting all of them all of the time. But there's a balance to be had, which involves navigating difference and being willing to hang in there through discomfort.Here, we explore the themes around sex, dating, relationships, needs, desires, and the nervous system.—Memorable quotes from this episode:"Now it’s about advocating clearly for what I need.""There’s a place in relationships for healthy generosity.""What would I need to be a ‘yes’ to this?""It this doesn’t shift, I’m going to take a certain action for myself.""It can feel like, ‘If it’s not here, I’m doomed.'"

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“I felt neutered as a human.”“When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”“What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”“Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”“Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”“A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”“Who I am makes love go away.”

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship? How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:What’s the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?What’s a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?---When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here’s to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you love having sex with women and want to be known as a great lover, being good at going down is an important part of your repertoire. ;)But it’s not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we’re laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you’re dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it’s all here.—Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When your partner gets anxious or upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you have to fix it immediately? How able are you to stay grounded and feel your own self, even amidst her storm/upset?Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what’s going on for her.”Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“When she would get dysregulated, I would get dysregulated."“Avoiding conflict often tends to create more conflict.” “If my partner isn’t feeling well, it feels like it’s my fault.” “Oh wow, her nervous system is not my nervous system.” “I’m here with it, whatever it is — and I’m being impacted.”“It’s OK to be messy and imperfect.”

"For so long I felt like, ‘this is only happening in my marriage.’"If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we’re fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restoration that my guest and her husband have attained is truly remarkable.The fact is, isolation is when all the bad stuff happens. When we're isolated, we're often judging ourselves (as well as our partners). We can feel hopeless, despairing, or trapped.I put out this podcast in large part to combat isolation, and bring us together. To know in our bones that we are not alone -- that our story is echoed in the stories of others, and vice versa.Healing is always possible. You are not alone.--- Mentioned on this episode:SAlifeline.org---Memorable quotes from this episode:“Addiction lives in silence and isolation.”“I didn’t know if I would ever be able to forgive him fully.”“He was moving at his pace.”“All of a sudden I no longer felt batsh*t crazy.”“He loved me the very best that he could.”“I did base a lot of my OK-ness on how he felt.”“I never knew that marriage could be so fun!”

What are you most ashamed of? Is it your sexuality -- how much you want and need sex, or your deep-down cravings that you fear others would judge if they knew about? Is it your yearning for love, your desire to be held or seen or known in some fundamental way?Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power. Learn about the Heart of Shadow men's group and retreat at heartofshadow.com - use coupon "dearmen" when you register!---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“If we don’t feel strong or powerful or directive in our lives, we will feel the tinge of shame.”“I was terrified to be asked to do something that I didn’t know how to do.”“What wants to be said to your ex-wife? What’s incomplete there?”“Whatever you’re not feeling is where all your vitality is stuck.”“I got to feel a boyish curiosity come back!”---Mentioned on this episode:DM 305 GuyTalk: Overcoming religious trauma

Ever experienced porn addiction (and had that affect your love relationship), contended with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or been worried about what your cock looks like? Then you'll feel right at home with this episode.Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?Why do you choose to do consciousness work?I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Do you wish your woman was more open to sex? Not just intercourse, but the fun of the whole sex thing -- kissing, making out, foreplay, getting hot and heavy, doing the dirty.Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health benefits of masturbation, yoni eggs, cervical wands, breast massage, G-spot de-armoring and more.To close this out, I'm gonna drop some slang terms for women getting themselves off, because they're all kinds of fab:Ménage à moiAuditioning the finger puppetsWomansplaining yourselfFanning the furChecking the undercarriageButtering your muffinDiddling Miss Daisyand my personal favorite ... Paddling the pink canoe---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men 153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange)Dear Men 191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) -- the one about jade eggsJaiya's erotic blueprintsPlease Her In Bed (my streaming course for men who have sex with women)Evolutionary Couples (Violet & Jason's new course for couples)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“I’m in a relationship, I’m finally happy! Why don’t I want to have sex with my partner?!”“I hear this from moms all the time: sex is not a priority for me.”“Even if your libido feels like it’s dormant, you can still work with responsive desire.”“I really miss the closeness I feel with your body … I long for you.”“Let’s swim in the sea of erotic energy.”

Ever been around a woman who was closed down, shut off, or emotionally unavailable? Ever felt like your partner wanted to say something but was holding back, and if you'd somehow shown up in a different way, maybe she'd have let you in?Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can’t handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don’t need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.—Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Instead of acknowledging what she was feeling and getting curious, it triggered my wounding around not being enough as a man, so I would try to explain to her why she was wrong.""Can I allow the person who hurt me to then be the person to hold me?""The deeper trust we form is, 'Oh, we can do this. We can move through conflict.'""This is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being."

"When I was at my worst, I didn’t know there was a way out."Sometimes in life we get stuck. We don't know how to deal with big feelings, so we self-medicate -- with alcohol, or porn, or weed, or food.But often the self-medication gets in the way of things we really want -- love; intimacy; healthy, connected sex; joy.You may think of 12-step programs as solely for alcoholics, but they're far mroe comprehensive. There are programs for porn addiction, codependency in relationship, sex & love addiction, and for those who are loved ones of an addict (or adult children of parents who were addicts).*Addiction and recovery profoundly affect your sex and love life, and here, speaker and 12-step mentor Mark Wilde delves into his own story, and how his journey has positively impacted his marriage.In his words, as he grew and healed and learned to lead: "When I became more vulnerable and expressive, I had reciprocation and energy from her that I’d not experienced before ... our relationship began to ascend dramatically."If you want to feel inspired and uplifted, listen on.*These groups are: Codependents Anonymous (CODA), Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Al-Anon (for the loved ones of those who struggle with addiction).---Evolutionary Men RetreatReady to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 1 slot left.Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.To sign up or learn more, go here.---Memorable quotes from this episode:"My parents passed away, my marriage ended, and it got bad.""Alcohol became a solution to deep-seated issues that had carried on since childhood."“I still felt myself wearing lots of masks and building up lots of walls.”“How am I going to placate and keep the peace and make her happy?"“When I did work with my body, I felt the unlocking of everything.”---Mentioned on this episode:What Happened to You?