This week on How to Find & Keep a Gay Man, the Matts are getting intimate—with the five love languages, that is. You know the ones: words, touch, quality time, gifts, and doing the damn dishes (aka acts of service). We break down how each style shows up in gay relationships—and yes, we spill the tea on our own, too.But here’s the twist: it’s not just about your love language. We’re asking you to get curious about his—whether he’s a first date, a long-term love, or your husband who still thinks “words of affirmation” means moaning during sex.So if you want to love harder, smarter, and with fewer hurt feelings over an unacknowledged text or a missed cuddle, press play. Your gay man will thank you.
In a world dominated by DMs, double taps, and endless scrolling, meaningful face-to-face conversations can feel like a lost art—especially in dating. Inspired by a chat with one of our listeners, this episode dives into the challenges and nuances of real-life connection.From first dates to long-term relationships, we explore how to move beyond texting and social media exchanges to engage in deeper, more authentic conversations. Whether it’s battling nerves, knowing what to say, or simply being present, we’re sharing practical tips to help you put your best self forward.With face-to-face socializing down by 45% over the last two decades, this discussion couldn’t be more timely. If you grew up on screens, if you've lost the ability to look someone in the eye and share openly, if you're looking for a better way to connect, this episode is for you!
In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, we’re tackling the “checklist syndrome” that might be keeping you from finding love. Do you have a laundry list of must-haves for your perfect partner—hot, rich, smart, fit, kind, and dog-loving (but not too obsessed)? Have your “non-negotiables” become armor to keep you safe from vulnerability and rejection? Join us as we dissect how unrealistic expectations and the gay beauty standard can block genuine connection. Through humor, sharp insights, and some hard truths, we’ll help you reframe your dating approach by focusing on what really matters. Stop waiting for perfection and start seeing the beauty in what’s real. Because love isn’t about algorithms—it’s about connection. Let’s rewrite your list together. Tune in, open up, and take one step closer to finding your person.
In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, the Matts dive deep into the bittersweet journey of finding and losing GOOD gay men. They explore the complex reasons behind breakups—whether initiated by us or by our partners. By identifying and discussing four internal blocks that may hinder our ability to maintain relationships (gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs) the hosts aim to help listeners gain a better understanding of their own patterns and behaviors in love...and hear ways to FIX what is broken. Tune in for an insightful conversation that could change your approach to finding and keeping love. And DO NOT miss this week's prayer time, "Catch and Release."
In this episode of How to Find and Keep a Gay Man, we’re diving deep into the signs that help us navigate the dating world: red flags and green lights. Red flags are more than just personality quirks—they’re indicators that someone may not share the values necessary for a long-term relationship. If you're looking for a forever partner, it's essential to recognize when someone’s behavior or priorities aren’t in sync with your vision for a meaningful connection. On the flip side, green lights are the qualities that draw us in, showing us that a man is relationship material. From honesty and commitment to actively working on the relationship and themselves, green lights align with the values we hold for building a lasting love. We'll explore specific examples of both red flags and green lights, and discuss why it's so important to stay true to your own relationship standards as you search for a partner. Whether you’re dating now or preparing for your next relationship, this episode will help you refine your understanding of what truly matters. Tune in and learn how to spot the signs that lead to love—or signal it’s time to move on. Key Highlights: What red flags really mean in dating How to identify green lights that indicate a healthy potential partner Real-world examples of both, to help guide your own relationship journey Why values alignment is key to finding long-term love Don't forget to follow up on IG: @howtofindandkeepagayman Facebook: facebook.com/findandkeepagayman/ TikTok: tiktok.com/@howtofindandkeepagayman
In this episode of How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man, we tackle the difficult and often painful topic of cheating in gay male relationships, whether they’re monogamous or open. We explore the main reasons why people cheat on their spouses or boyfriends, diving into the complexities that can lead to betrayal, from unmet emotional needs to societal pressures. We'll also discuss practical ways to avoid cheating, emphasizing the importance of communication, trust, and regular check-ins to ensure both partners feel fulfilled and secure. But what happens when cheating does occur? Should you stay and work it out, or is it time to leave? We’ll provide guidance on how to navigate these tough decisions, offering insights for listening to your gut when it comes time to make this decision. Join us for an honest and empathetic conversation that aims to shed light on a topic many of us struggle with, but few are willing to talk about openly. Whether you’re looking to prevent cheating in your relationship or trying to figure out what to do after it happens, this episode is here to help.
On this episode of How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man, the Matts delve into the emotional journey of remaining hopeful while waiting for love. They explore the common challenges many people face in the search for a meaningful relationship, such as: 1. External obstacles 2. Internal self-doubt 3. The complexities of modern dating Listeners will learn practical strategies to nurture hope, including building self-esteem, practicing self-compassion, and finding fulfillment in new hobbies and interests. Whether you're single and searching or simply waiting for the right person to come along, this episode offers encouragement and insights to help you navigate the journey with patience, optimism, and self-love.
In this episode of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man," The Matts dive into the essential topic of building a supportive and healthy community. Join us as we explore the steps to finding and creating a network of friends and allies who uplift and inspire you. We discuss why having a strong, supportive community is crucial for personal growth, mental health, and maintaining healthy relationships. Discover practical tips on where to meet like-minded individuals, how to nurture meaningful connections, and the importance of mutual support in thriving as your authentic self. Whether you’re looking to expand your social circle or strengthen existing bonds, this episode will provide valuable insights to help you create the community you deserve. Tune in to learn how a supportive community can enhance your journey to find (& keep) a gay man.
In this enlightening episode, The Matts delve into the research of Dr. Roger K. Allen, PhD, to explore four toxic relationship patterns commonly observed in gay male relationships. Dr. Allen, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, has dedicated his career to understanding the dynamics that can both strengthen and undermine romantic partnerships. We will discuss: 1. escalation 2. invalidation 3. pursuing/withdrawing 4. negative interpretations ...while unpacking the harmful effects of these unhealthy and destructive patterns. We’ll provide practical tips and actionable advice based on Dr. Allen's research and our own, helping listeners identify and address these toxic patterns in their own relationships. By understanding and mitigating these dynamics, gay male couples can build stronger, more resilient partnerships. Tune in to gain valuable insights and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. Follow Us: Stay updated with our latest episodes and relationship tips by following us on instagram @howtofindandkeepagayman
In this reflective episode, we delve into the poignant concept of "bridge relationships" — those transformative bonds that may not last forever, but crucially pave the way to lasting connections. We explore how dwelling on past bitterness can obstruct our personal growth and hinder the invaluable lessons these relationships will teach us. We also discuss the power of embracing gratitude towards our former partners, shedding light on how such a perspective can elevate a deeper understanding of ourselves and lead to profound self-revelation. We'll examine how assigning blame can be counterproductive, while acknowledging the role they've played in our journeys will usher us into new levels of maturity and readiness for our forever relationships. Gain insights on moving forward with an open heart, while preparing yourself for the love that's meant to stay. This transformative discussion just change how you view your past and future relationships. Part-two of our series highlighting Matt Heincker's new queer podcast, "Through the Long Night."
In this powerful episode of How to Find (& Keep) A Gay Man, The Matts delve into the heart-wrenching journey of Matt Heincker’s battle with overwhelming despair and suicidal thoughts as a closeted gay man in college. As he stands on the precipice of darkness, contemplating the end, Heincker finds himself grappling with his identity and the fear of rejection from those he holds dear. Yet, amidst the turmoil, he discovers a glimmer of hope – a love that transcends human understanding, a love that refuses to let him go. Join us as we explore the transformative power of loving ourselves, the resilience of the human spirit, and the unwavering presence of a higher power guiding us through the darkest of nights.
WE ARE BACK!!!! And we’re thrilled to announce the return of "How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man" for its much-anticipated SEASON 2. Join hosts, Matt Bays and Matt Heincker, as they bring fresh perspectives and enlightening experiences to the table. Matt Bays recounts his global adventures alongside his husband, distilling the essence of what makes a thriving partnership in the LGBTQ+ community. He brings back invaluable insights into the art of what it means to be a good partner. Meanwhile, Matt Heincker has been diligently cultivating his own audio venture, "Through the Long Night: A Man’s Journey Out of Darkness and into the Technicolored Light of Love and Peace,” which we tease in this episode...with the promise of MORE TO COME in the next several weeks. This is Heincker’s personal story as a closeted queer boy raised in a restrictive religious culture, and promises to be a stirring exploration of personal growth and emotional resilience. We also delve into the power of curiosity and how it serves as the lifeblood of a dynamic and robust relationship. Stay tuned as we navigate these conversations with heart, humor, and authenticity.
In this thought-provoking episode, we delve into the intricate dance of maintaining autonomy while fostering deep connections in our gay relationships. Join us as we unravel the complexities of balancing independence and togetherness, exploring how codependence and attachment styles impact our romantic journeys. The Matts share insights on striking the right harmony between personal growth and shared experiences. Through candid discussions, they uncover practical strategies for nurturing a healthy partnership while respecting individual identities. From examining the role of communication in setting boundaries to understanding the impact of various attachment styles, this episode serves as a valuable guide for gay men seeking to find (& keep) their gay man. Whether you're navigating the early stages of love or looking to reignite the spark in a long-term commitment, you'll gain a deeper understanding of how to forge a lasting connection while embracing the beauty of self-discovery. For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
In the episode The Aging Queen, Matt & Matt delve into the poignant topic of aging anxiety within the gay community. They candidly explore the fears, challenges, and emotional dynamics that arise as gay men confront the prospect of growing older. Listeners will hear personal stories as The Matts recount their experiences grappling with societal pressures, beauty standards, and the fear of losing their identity as they age. This episode ultimately aims to provide comfort, insight, and a sense of community for those navigating the complex emotions surrounding aging within the gay community. You’ll leave with a deeper understanding of WHY gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty, and also with practical strategies for cultivating self-acceptance and resilience. Mental health struggles are also discussed. For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
On parts 1 & 2, the Matts debunked biblical scriptures about “the sin” 🙄 of homosexuality and also shared their personal stories on how the church kept them stuck, living as heterosexuals while they were closeted, super gay homosexuals. 🥳 Now, in this final installment of “The Lord is My Shepherd and She Knows I’m Gay,” they talk about viable options for moving forward spiritually. What does reconstructing your faith look like? Or are you looking to be religiously unaffiliated and do life without religion? With over NINETY YEARS of religious teaching between them (no lie), these two queerbies have successfully navigated and overcome the f*cked up fundamental waters of religion. And with their experience, has come wisdom and compassion for the many who are still struggling to find their way. For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
On part 2 of “The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay,” the Matts talk about the impact of being raised in a non-affirming christian environment by sharing their personal stories. They discuss their conservative church upbringing, the pursuit of “healing” their sexual orientation as young gay men, the negative impact of conservative christian therapy, suicidal ideation, and how they finally made peace with themselves by making the decision to live as their most authentic gay selves. Surprisingly, they also speak with gratitude of the parts of their church experience that impacted them for the good. For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
Combined, the Matts have over 90 years of church experiences insisting that who they are (gay) is wrong. But they have moved into full acceptance of themselves. In this first installment of a three-part series, The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay, Matt and Matt take on the one issue that has plagued queer people since gay dinosaurs roamed the gay earth… RELGION. They tell us what the bible really has to say about homosexuality, discuss how religious shame has kept gay men stuck for eons, and show us how to finally move past it. Also, they go after the religious right’s conservative take on the LGBTQ+ community, and (while using the bible itself) show us how and why they adopted such a narrow way of thinking. You’ve heard the “clobber passages” of what God allegedly thinks of gays and what their punishment for being gay will one day be. Now it’s time to hear the truth they don’t want you to know. And it is beyond time to find the spiritual confidence to say without hesitation: “The Lord is My Shepherd, and She Knows I’m Gay.” For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
Welcome to our LAST EPISODE OF PRIDE, BITCHEROONIES! We are talking about CHOSEN FAMILY. Do you have one? Why do you NEED one? How do you BUILD one? Many of us lost our family or friends when we came out. And even for those of us who didn’t, we may not be able to fully be ourselves around family—to talk about our BIG GAY LIVES because there is level of discomfort surrounding the issue. Enters chosen family. The Matts discuss what this looks like personally, for each of them. They also discuss the homophobia and rejection many of us still face, which has led us down a path of looking for safe people to share our lives with…our triumphs and failures, our joys and dark nights of the soul. And prayer time this week…it is powerful! It's an opportunity to make peace with ourselves and quite possibly with those who continue to live apart from us because of who we love. For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.
It’s STILL Pride, bitches! And in this episode, the Matts tackle the complicated subject of TOXIC MASCULINITY. What is it? How have we been impacted by it? What does it mean to be a “real man” and what does authenticity have to do with it? And the BIG question: How are we STILL changing ourselves or our behavior (trying to be more or less masculine than we actually are) to be accepted by those who, once upon a time, told us we weren’t real men? Matt H will tell you how his perception of his ideal gay man has changed. And Matt B treads on thin ice while trying like hell not to be offensive as he describes what he believes is a form of toxic femininity in gay men. Looking for links to the content mentioned in this episode? Check the links below! For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website. LINKS TO CONTENT FROM THIS EPISODE: Let There Be (She) Music Video, Matt’s new drag queen anthem with Blair St. Clair of RuPaul’s Drag Race: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPMpEeVIe0 Interview with Fox News about Let There Be (She): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZTHQe7kedw Podcast appearance on Dumb, Gay Politics, with Brandy Howard and Julie Goldman Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dumb-gay-politics/id1181557793?i=1000617801060 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0MJUFldqTubiOvm7b8s4tS?si=6686209ff6dd449f Let There Be (She) song recording: https://open.spotify.com/track/0P4E1zT6grYIsajzdU4hEO?si=9eed571b2a634b20
It’s PRIDE, bitches! For the month of June, How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man has changed its name to How to Find (& Keep) Our Gay PRIDE. Each week we’ll be focusing on an aspect of PRIDE that has impacted our lives. In this episode, we’re serving a little PRIDE history, being proud of who you are no matter who you love, and fighting homophobia. (The category is…knife fight eleganza!) Also… WHAT IS YOUR GAY SUPERPOWER? And finally, we will tell you EXACTLY why you should attend your local PRIDE celebration. Don’t miss prayer time at the end of the episode, where Matt B reads a very vulnerable excerpt from his memoir: Leather & Lace (A Gay Man, Lost Love, and a Road Trip with His Dead Sister.) For more bitchy wisdom, follow on INSTAGRAM & TIKTOK To watch the podcast, follow them on YouTube Or check out the How to Find (& Keep) a Gay Man website.