Low Demand Parenting

In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman breaks down why the dominant parenting paradigm of rewards and punishments isn’t serving our kids—or us. Grounded in brain science and personal insight, Amanda shares how focusing on connection and attunement unlocks long-term trust, regulation, and growth in our children. Through real-life examples and a compassionate lens, Amanda encourages parents to step away from control-based strategies and embrace the transformative power of safety and belonging.   Low Demand Reset: Reflect, Release, Realign  A gentle guide to closing the year with intention and compassion. Get yours here: www.amandadiekman.com/reset   Key takeaways include: Why rewards and punishments miss the mark. The science of behavior as communication. Shifting from “earning love” to modeling unconditional connection. Practical strategies for supporting dysregulated children.   Additional Resources: Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/reset Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:  Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when life feels stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekman, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. Before we dive in, I want to share a free gift I’ve created for you as we move from one year to the next. It’s called the Low Demand Reset — a gentle, reflective mini-course designed to help you release expectations, let go of what’s no longer serving you, and realign with what matters most. It’s free and available in the show notes or at amandadiekman.com/reset. I hope it brings you clarity, compassion, and a fresh start. The Dominant Paradigm: Punishments and Rewards The dominant parenting paradigm many of us inherited is rooted in punishment and reward. Even if we’ve decided not to follow this path, it’s still the framework shaping much of modern parenting. At its core, punishment-and-reward parenting is built on the belief that kids need external incentives to behave well. This system assumes that the primary things children lack are motivation and self-control. Rewards and punishments are used to manipulate their behavior toward desired results. Children are often labeled as manipulative, but really, this system is designed to manipulate children into compliance. These rewards and punishments can be straightforward, like sticker charts, prize boxes, time-outs, or spanking. They can also be more subtle, like approval or disapproval, giving or withholding attention, or ignoring behaviors. For instance, if you’ve ever worried that comforting your child during a tantrum might ‘reinforce’ the behavior, or been told that ‘giving in’ will teach them bad habits, you’ve encountered this paradigm. The belief underpinning this system is that kids only do well when they want to, and that it’s a parent’s job to teach control by making it more pleasant to do the “right” thing and unpleasant to do the “wrong” thing. But brain science tells us otherwise. What Brain Science Teaches Us Brain science shows us that behaviors, especially those we consider “negative”—hitting, screaming, whining, shutting down, hyperactivity—are stress behaviors. They indicate a brain system under stress. Punishments and rewards don’t address the root cause of these stress behaviors. Instead, they often exacerbate the problem. The number one factor that helps children regulate and thrive is attunement and connection with a trusted adult. This connection activates their brain’s reward centers and fosters safety, which is the foundation for behavioral change. Longitudinal studies confirm that having a connected, attuned adult is the most critical factor in a child’s long-term positive development. When children feel safe and connected, their brains can access creativity, courage, executive functioning, and the ability to try again. Disconnection—through punishment, disapproval, or ignoring—leads to negative outcomes in both brain development and long-term well-being. When the Reward and Punishment Mentality Shows Up This mentality can show up in surprising ways. Let’s say your child struggles with school avoidance, or as we often call it, “school can’t.” You might think, “If I make staying home comfortable, they’ll never want to go back. I need to make it unpleasant for them here at home.” Or during a meltdown, you might feel torn: “I can’t comfort my child right now because they’ll learn that throwing tantrums gets my attention.” This fear—that by connecting with your child in hard moments you’ll reinforce unwanted behavior—is rooted in the punishment-and-reward paradigm. These thoughts are deeply ingrained in us. We’ve been taught that humans are motivated by pleasure and avoidance of pain, and that it’s our job as parents to manipulate these motivators. But this lens is not only unhelpful; it’s often harmful. Shifting the Lens: Connection Over Control The most transformative aspect of low demand parenting is not just dropping demands. It’s creating space for safety, trust, connection, and acceptance. These elements are the real drivers of change in our relationships and our children’s behavior. Consider the mantra, Kids do well when they can. This simple truth shifts our focus from trying to control behavior to understanding the unmet needs and lagging skills driving it. Behavior makes sense when viewed through the lens of a child’s circumstances, neurobiology, and nervous system. This understanding fosters empathy and helps us meet our children where they are. For instance, if a child’s behavior stems from hunger, tiredness, or sensory overwhelm, punishment won’t solve the issue. Addressing the core need will. Similarly, a meltdown is a sign of dysregulation, not manipulation. The best response is attunement—helping the child feel safe and connected so they can return to regulation. Unlearning the Punishment and Reward Paradigm Unlearning this paradigm takes time. It’s seductive because it offers a neat explanation of behavior and a sense of control. But as we shift our mindset, we begin to see that the goal isn’t to manipulate behavior but to support core needs. One common example is food. If your child has a hard day and only wants McDonald’s for dinner, you might feel conflicted. Reward-and-punishment thinking tells you that getting McDonald’s rewards bad behavior and reinforces negative patterns. But what if instead, you view it as meeting a core need—nourishment, comfort, and connection? What if showing up with McDonald’s is an act of attunement, not capitulation? Another example: After a tough morning, one of my kids wanted donuts. Part of me resisted, thinking, “I can’t reward this behavior.” But I got the donuts. Later, my child looked at me with love and said, “I had a hard morning, and you got me donuts anyway.” That moment wasn’t about rewarding or ignoring behavior. It was about connection and unconditional love. Letting Go of “Good” and “Bad” Much of this paradigm is rooted in the idea that “good” behavior is rewarded and “bad” behavior is punished. For many of us, this belief is tied to perfectionism, religious teachings, or relationships where love and belonging felt conditional. Unlearning it is hard work, but it’s essential for healing. Instead of tying rewards to behavior, we can celebrate intention, effort, and connection. For example, if we promise a post-dentist treat, we still follow through even if the child is too dysregulated to complete the appointment. We’re celebrating their courage to try, not their compliance with an expectation. Moving Forward: Healing and Reconnection As we unlearn the reward-and-punishment mentality, we open the door to deeper healing and connection. This journey invites us to examine our own beliefs and wounds. It’s an opportunity to free ourselves from the pressure to earn love and belonging and to model this freedom for our children. When we focus on connection over control, we create a foundation where both parents and children can thrive. Let’s keep peeling back the layers of this paradigm and choose a path of attunement, trust, and unconditional love. If this podcast speaks to you, please subscribe and leave a review. Your support helps more parents discover the transformative power of low demand parenting. And don’t forget to grab your free Low Demand Reset at amandadiekman.com/reset. Thank you for being here, and remember: It takes great strength to let things go. I’ll see you next week.

In this deeply empathetic mailbag episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman answers two listener questions about navigating the challenges of dysregulated kids: Physical Aggression and Meltdowns: What do you do when your child is physically aggressive, whether toward you or siblings? Amanda shares strategies for: De-escalation: Dropping demands in the moment to reduce tension and prioritize safety. Co-regulation: Staying grounded so your child can borrow your calm to find their own. Practical tips for balancing priorities like safety versus expectations, and the importance of repair after meltdowns. Name-Calling and Emotional Pain: How do you handle deeply painful words from a dysregulated child? Amanda dives into: Why name-calling is a symptom of deep dysregulation, not malice. How dropping the expectation that “hurtful words won’t happen” fosters connection and healing. The transformative work of exploring why certain behaviors hurt you, healing your own emotional wounds, and modeling resilience for your child. This episode is filled with actionable strategies, personal reflections, and encouragement for parents navigating the complexities of dysregulated kids.   Time Stamps: 00:46 Understanding Dysregulation in Children 03:14 De-escalation and Co-regulation Strategies 10:16 Addressing Name Calling and Emotional Safety 18:39 Healing and Self-Reflection for Parents 20:38 Conclusion and Listener Engagement Additional Resources: Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:    Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. In this mailbag episode, I'm responding to two questions about kids who are really dysregulated. We'll cover aggression and meltdowns and picking fights and calling names in this episode, but I just want to note that not all kids show their dysregulation through external behaviors. This It is called externalizing, when we can see the fact that their nervous system is overtaxed, that they're having big feelings, that they don't have tools to manage, and when they're beyond their window of tolerance, basically a kid that's dysregulated, we see it on the outside in the way that they behave and act. And many kids do this. They take their insides and they bring them outside and we can see it easily. Anyone can. But some kids are just as dysregulated. They're just as outside their window of tolerance. They're just in just as much pain on the inside. But rather than bringing it out, they will internalize their dysregulation. They'll bring it out. inside their own bodies, often by controlling their bodies through perfectionism. It can result in eating disorders or self harm. And all of these internalizers are much harder to spot. Their dysregulation and is masking as a good kid who's doing just fine. And that is how they want to be perceived often. And so it takes a really astute eye, whether you're a parent or a caregiver or a therapist or a teacher, it really takes a keen adult to sense a kid who's struggling and who's hiding their struggle. All of the responses and all of the ideas in this episode will still apply, even if you're Disregulated kid is imploding instead of exploding. Let's get into the questions. We have a question about physical aggression against mother or against siblings and what to do. My first answer is always pay attention to the situation where it happened. Ask yourself, what was too hard for my child in this situation? How can I drop it next time so that we don't have this situation? So that my child is not even escalated in the first place. Let's say you can't and it's already happening, which is what we call in the moment. So in the moment, there are two priorities. You're going to deescalate and co regulate. The principles of de escalate are that first you look and see, is there an obvious demand that I can drop that is too hard? Let's say you're pushing your kid to get in the car and they are hitting you or their sibling on the sidewalk and screaming at you. It feels like there's a ton of pressure there because you've got a full grocery cart and the car is loaded up with frozen stuff and you need them to get in the car so you can get this stuff home. It might seem really hard, but can you drop the demand that they get in the car at that moment? Part of the reason that we drop the demand in the moment is that your child is not capable of meeting this expectation and that continuing to hold it right now is only going to give you worse and worse options. By dropping the demand, you back up to bad options, and that's where we want to go. That's the right direction. We've got worse, we've got bad, and then we can get to better. Better and good are all going to happen in prevention and proactive planning. Bad and worse is what happens in the moment. But you assess your options, you notice what is going to make this situation worse, what's going to make this situation better, and prioritize what matters most. So the popsicles getting a little bit melty or your chicken thawing a bit is probably less significant in the moment than you getting hurt, your child running off in a crowded parking lot, or a sibling becoming traumatized. In those moments, sometimes it seems so desperate. I've got to get these groceries home. You have got to get in this car. And holding the demand seems to make more sense, logically. But actually, when we bring our priorities online, and we bring our thinking brain back online, and we step out of autopilot, we can recognize what matters most, what actually matters most, and sacrifice the things that are less important. Which in our hypothetical situation is our popsicles. You're gonna de escalate by dropping the demand that your child get in the car and instead allow them to cry or to flail or to whatever they need to do by letting the things that are too hard go. In the moment you tell your child, I see you, I see what you're struggling with. I know what matters most. I will be your calm in the storm. I will let things go. And you are allowed to have this moment. You are allowed to have a hard time. I'm not going to hold it against you. In that moment, you do your own work to actually let those popsicles or that chicken or whatever it is. That's your sacrificing to actually let it go. If you toss those items straight in the trash because it took a full hour and they're not good anymore, then that's okay. All of this is hypothetical, but I hope what you're hearing me say is that you let go of the demand that you're holding in the moment, look for how to reconnect and reestablish safety for the child who's melting down and you sacrifice the things that are less important for the things that are most important. So you've de escalated. You've dropped the demand that's too hard. Now you're going to co regulate. Co regulation is where your brain actually sends signals to your kid's brain to give them signals to calm invisibly. And this sounds so woo and like fake science, but it's actually real science. When you practice co Regulation in your body, your regulated brain is actually the primary thing that your child will use in order to regulate themselves. You allow your child to tap into your prefrontal cortex, your regulation center. The core of co regulation is do what you need to do to regulate your own body so that you are a stable place for your child to land when they're having a hard time. This is an excellent place to get proactive, which is figuring out what are you going to do in the moment, practically. Are you going to take a deep breath? Does that actually feel good to you or does it make you spin out of control? Are you going to do like me and wiggle your toes to try to stay present so you don't dissociate because a dissociated brain cannot actually co regulate for another person's brain? Are you going to notice five things around you? Close your eyes for a second and say, I can trust this. Does that give you the ability to be a presence for your child? You don't have to be miraculously calm if that doesn't feel accessible to you. You don't have to fake it. What you want to do is find your own way of coming back into yourself and being present. and noticing that you are okay. If you can access that feeling of, I am okay, then you are co regulating for your child. And then beyond doing something for yourself, whatever that quick reminder or mantra is for you to get back into your body, to get back into your okay ness, then you think about, what does my kid need in this moment to get back into their okay ness? Is it something sensory related? I don't know. Do they need to scream? Do they need to punch? Do they need to kick? Do they need to squeeze? Do they need to grab? Do they need a hug? Do they need a swing? Is it something emotion related? Do they need some space to feel their feelings? I know in our family and different things are needed in different time

In this deeply engaging episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman sits down with Morénike Giwa Onaiwu—an activist, advocate, and thought leader in neurodiversity and intersectionality. Together, they unpack how intersectionality informs low demand parenting, highlighting the overlap of privilege and marginalization in parenting and life. From understanding how societal norms rooted in white supremacy affect neurodivergent families to exploring the complexities of unmasking for marginalized communities, this conversation challenges us to reflect on how our identities shape the demands we place on ourselves and our children. Morénike shares practical insights on navigating cultural expectations, systemic biases, and building stronger, more inclusive connections across neurotypes. This episode is a must-listen for parents seeking to align their parenting practices with authenticity, humility, and the realities of diverse lived experiences. Additional Resources: Dr. Onaiwu's books, including "Sincerely, Your Autistic Child" Dr. Onaiwu’s work as Director, Autistic Women & Nonbinary Network (AWN) Dr. Onaiwu's Google Scholar page "What To Say Next" book that Dr. Onaiwu mentions in the episode Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:    Welcome to the low demand parenting podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy and thrive. Even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm  Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler.  Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.      Welcome.    Thank you so much, Amanda.     I am so grateful that you are here to share your wisdom. Because for some people, maybe this is their first time asking about what is intersectionality.   So let's move in first with a kind of a 101. What is this idea and why are you so passionate about it?   The term was coined in the 90s by a professor named Kimberlé Crenshaw,  and she's still an active professor today. She's really involved in black feminism and legal studies .   We all have multiple identities. Every single person, every one of us.  None of us are just one thing. We have a nationality. We have a gender. We have an age group, socioeconomic status. We have a faith belief or non belief.  We have ethnicity. We have all of these things. So all of us have all of these things that make us who we are. We all have privileges and marginalizations as well. Everyone does.   It's a concept that's fluid. It's not the same. For example, I have a great deal more privilege than my cousins who are in West Africa. By virtue of being raised here in the United States, I have opportunities that they don't have. It's something that I didn't ask for. It's not my fault, but I do have it and I have to recognize and acknowledge it.   But then there's also areas of my life where I have challenges. And so there is not a single human being who is all marginalizations.  We're all privileges, we're all a mix of both, and in different circumstances, sometimes one thing that's a privilege somewhere can be a marginalization elsewhere. And that should, we should all acknowledge that, but intersectionality is looking at the interplay of the marginalizations of these identities.   So all of our different identities, privileged and marginalized, overlap one another, you don't stop being a mom just because you're a woman, just because you're a whatever, and so all these things tied together. Sometimes they work in sync with one another. Sometimes they clash.   And so intersectionality, Dr. Kimberlé Crenshaw was using a couple of court cases. One was de Graff in a raid versus General Motors. And then there was another one against the science lab in which it was found that there was a group of women who had sued for discrimination where they worked.   And the case was not found in their favor. It said you all are saying you're being discriminated against because you're Black, but there's Black people who work here. You're saying you're discriminated against because you're women, but there's women who work here. But what they weren't looking at was the fact that every Black person who worked there had to be able to lift a certain, it was like basically warehouse work, had to be able to lift a certain amount of weight.   And so most of these women who were, five, one, and, didn't have the physical capacity to work in those warehouses. And then there were women who were hired in the place, but all of the women were white or white presenting because they were in jobs such as receptionist and client facing.   Positions that at this time, in the discriminatory, society that was occurring at that time, which was a lot more overt, these women weren't able to get such jobs. Just because, it didn't look at the fact that we're working, but putting these things together makes things more complicated.   And so intersectionality is simply the intersection of the different aspects of your identity, particularly those that are marginalized, how they overlap and impact your life. And the. Illustration, she gives us about a four way intersection of vehicles. If you have cars coming from this way.   If there's no stop sign, yield sign or stoplight unless someone does something, they would collide and you don't know which ones want to collide with what. First, they're all going to collide together. You don't know which one's going to hit harder, but they're all going to have an impact.   And so it's a concept that means a lot to me.  It really applies to us all. And especially if you're doing this kind of parenting, I'm pretty sure that in many ways it applies to your life.    Yes, absolutely. Let's dive into the low demand aspect of this. Low demand parenting is all about dropping demands and reducing expectations to create relationships of safety and connection.   But the things that we expect of our Children are very Contextual and intersectional.  I found this in coaching parents around the world, that the things that they say are "have to's," like "good parents do this", or "this is what we do" is very different.   So how do we begin to think about these norms,  these demands that we are constructing from a more intersectional perspective?    It's really hard because there's a lot of things that, are subconscious for us, and it really takes a lot of effort and intentionality to understand those things.    There's a lot of things that we think we've unpacked and unloaded, but there's a lot we need to examine about ourselves,  and determine --have we really backed it up as much as we think we have?   Have we really removed everything?    If we're saying that, "okay I'm not going to insist upon a bedtime, for my child,"  but after a certain time they can't do this, or this, you are insisting on a bedtime. Or if you're saying "I don't care , what time they brush their teeth, they just need to brush their teeth." Do they? Will they die? Are the teeth going to fall if they don't brush one day? Or maybe just use the toothbrush or just use the mouthwash?    Some of it is inspecting that and is that really true? Or is that just something that somebody told me once and I've held on to all this time? And while we're talking about the neuro norms I particularly love some of the writing and sharing you've done about the ways that those norms themselves have been shaped by white supremacy and the ways that this is going unchallenged, even in the neurodivergent community. Yes, and these are conversations that I have a lot because I know they're not pleasant but there are things that we need to think about and address because we all want to do better  if this was hopeless if there was no chance there'd be no reason to bring it up.   , when something is what you've been surrounded with, it becomes like your normalcy and it's hard for it not to be, and so neurodivergent people, like you mentioned, neurodiversity is, overall, it's a sense of culture within a culture. But we still are bringing with it what we've been raised with or what we've been around and what we understand. And one example of that is for example,   it's a little better now, but a lot of the checklists they used to have online about, determining whether or not someone was neurodivergent or autistic, had a lot of the things that they shared were Western norms and often white norms. They were things that may not be true to one's experience if you're a person of color, and so are not seen, you are missed.   Other things, people need to think about things culturally, one example  📍 is language. Person first language originated from, developmental disabilities community and simultaneously from the HIV community, both of these communities of which can have a large number of individuals of color.   And so  it's seen as empowering. It isn't seen as a negative thing or wanting to separate themselves. So when people say stuff like identity first language is is better and person first language is perpetuating stigma. I'm thinking "maybe it is to you because maybe culturally to you it's seen as separation, but maybe that's not how it's perceived  by other groups.  You're, projecting."    It might be better to say this is my preference, but this one is acceptable as well. A lot of the things that people

Permissive parenting has been labeled the boogeyman of modern parenting—but is it time to rethink what "permissive" really means? In this episode, I unpack the history of parenting styles, challenge the fear and judgment around permissiveness, and explore why flexibility, collaboration, and permission might just be the tools we desperately need to raise thriving, neurodivergent kids. Join me as we dig into neuroscience, attachment theory, and real-life parenting moments to rewrite the rulebook for a new generation of families.   00:35 The Permissive Parent Myth 02:27 Historical Context of Parenting Styles 06:04 Reevaluating Permissive Parenting 09:27 Modern Research and Neuroscience 13:51 Practical Examples and Strategies 21:45 The Need for Permission in Parenting   Read my article in the journal (Di)verge entitled, “Rethinking Permissive Parenting”   Additional Resources:   Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:    Welcome to the low demand parenting podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy and thrive. Even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm  Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler.  Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.   If there's one boogeyman that modern parents have been thoroughly indoctrinated against it's the permissive parent.   I'll give some examples: So. You're working with a new therapist because your kid is really struggling .  After the second appointment where they've mostly been watching and getting to know you and your child. It's time for them to give you their assessment of what's going on. And they give you a long, what they hope is a compassionate look, and say, "I know this might be hard to hear. But I think that your child needs more boundaries. They're walking all over you. It's obviously killing you. It's time for you to start putting some consequences into place. Because you don't want to be permissive."  And if you're like me, your stomach sinks. Because you know that this person doesn't get it.  Also they've just played on your worst fear, which is that secretly, you're the cause of all this. If you were just a better parent, if you were just stronger, and more consistent, more persistent, more diligent, more boundaried.  If you had better control over your emotions, if you were more calm, if you were just better, you wouldn't be in this particular situation.  That is the secret underbelly of the permissive myth. And I'm going to call it a permissive myth because I actually believe we have all been fed a pack of lies about permissiveness, and it is really hampering our ability to be great parents as a culture, as a, as a parenting community. That we desperately need to get some of our tools back that have been labeled and  shamed as being permissive. And that we need a new way forward that doesn't play by the rule book. Of authoritarian, authoritative, permissive.  But first, I need to explain what we're even talking about here so we can all get on the same page because there's some important history. behind that conversation and the therapist office.    In the  1960s, a researcher named Diana Baumrind, did some research on parenting styles.  She was really curious about three particular parenting styles that she had identified-- authoritarian. Authoritative and permissive.  For the purposes of her research, those were the only three parenting styles.  Importantly, Baumrind had her own ideas about  what made for good parenting.   She infamously conducted a series of longitudinal studies published in the early two thousands that argued that there was no negative impact of corporal punishment and spanking on children.  Though, she personally insisted that she did not support spanking, her research was used for many years to support the use of violence against children. It wasn't until the  development of the ACEs studies that looked at adverse childhood experiences that found that spanking was on similar level to other kinds of emotional abuse that her research was overturned.  And of course there's been much more nuance and shift in our cultural understanding. What we have not nuanced is her rejection of permissive parenting.  Also neuro-diversity was not just in its infancy. It wasn't even on the table.  Getting an autism diagnosis was conceived of as a life sentence. Children were often sent away into institutionalization. There was really no widespread consciousness about what we now know as the neuro-diversity movement. So to say that she didn't take it into consideration and her research is an understatement. It was not even in view.   And bomb rinse work. She defined permissive parenting as being nurturing and warm. But reluctant to impose demands, limits or boundaries. Baumrind stated that permissive parents don't closely monitor their children's behavior or use rules or any standards of behavior, and that they perceive their children as equals.  Permissive parents were largely seen as indulgent, lenient, lazy, and overly tolerant of their children's behavior. They failed to establish appropriate limits and forced consistent discipline, and that all of this led to negative outcomes in the child's development.   Whether any of the parents in the original study were actually lazy, indulgent. Lenient and lacking a close eye on their children's behavior. We'll never know.  But what we do know is that that is how Baumrind interpreted the behaviors that she was witnessing. Of the three parenting styles that she identified, permissive parenting had the worst outcomes of the three. Which is important because authoritarian parenting, especially at the time and probably even still today, would have involved excessive physical punishment, extreme control over children's lives and very rigid expectations. It often came with a coldness, lack of emotional connection between parent and child. For Baumrind’s research, she found that the permissive style was even worse.   That dominant understanding has carried with us to today, to the point where in every interview, every podcast recording. Every guest speaker, I go on for a summit. I can guarantee there will be some version of the question.  Now isn't low demand parenting permissive.  And when people ask me that question, they're really saying. Is low demand, parenting harmful.  Is it going to have terrible outcomes for our kids? Is it. Even worse that all the other parenting styles out there, isn't this, the very worst thing you can be as a permissive parent.    When people ask me that they're generally setting me up to differentiate, to say no, Low demand. Isn't permissive. And then to state all these ways that it's different.  You'll see this in gentle parenting circles as well. When gentle parenting advocates, get the question. Isn't this just permissive, you'll see people bending over backwards to differentiate gentle parenting from permissive parenting. They'll talk about "no, we have really clear boundaries and consequences in our family. They're just natural consequences. We're not going to make up a consequence of go to your room for a week. We're going to say, no, you need to do X number of chores to earn back the money so that you can pay for the thing that you broke." They're going to say, "I'm still fully in control just because I listened to my kid  doesn't mean that they're equal to me."  These parenting advocates are not eager to question the underlying idea that permissive parenting is bad. The assumption of what permissive parenting is, is that it's a lack of discipline on the part of the parents. That the parents  letting their kids get away with things, that they're being soft on them, that they have a hard time saying no. Often it's associated with wanting to be your kid's friend, wanting to be liked by your child.  It comes along with this idea that kids are always testing grownups and unless grownups are providing really rigid guardrails, kids feel unsafe that they feel most unsafe when they don't know who's in charge.  When they're testing, they're really wanting you to be really clear and rigid. Permissive parents are missing that, they're seeing a kid testing boundaries and they're then waffling on their boundaries or they're giving up on their boundaries and letting the kid do whatever they want.   The idea is kids don't want to do whatever they want. They secretly want adults who tell them what to do. They're only pretending to want autonomy and freedom and respect.  I don't play that same game where I differentiate low demand parenting from permissive parenting. I've done it at times. So you'll certainly find it out there-- "how is low demand not permissive" and all of my answers on that. But I really think even permissive parenting isn't permissive. And I want to talk a little bit more about what that means.  I have found that a different body of research has been really helpful for me in reconstructing what it means to have a healthy relationship between parent and child. Where these assumptions around power and around permissiveness are not already baked in.  For that, we can turn to researcher Ross Greene.  I talked a lot more about his method, collaborative and proactive solutions in podcasts too. So you can go back and check that out. But the es

  In this mailbag episode, I answer listener questions about one of the things I get asked most: How to balance adult needs with low demand parenting. We dive into what to do when your family isn’t on board with low demand and how to meet your own core needs when your kid can’t leave the house for months. From finding support as a low demand parent to managing a PDA child’s need for closeness, we’ll explore how to identify our true needs and disentangle them from specific expectations. Tune in for real-life strategies, deep insights, and a reminder that we can meet our needs while respecting the capacity of our loved ones.   Time Stamps:   00:53 Understanding Adult Needs and Low Demand Parenting 02:53 Navigating Family Dynamics and Expectations 07:07 Personal Journey and Real-Life Examples 11:44 Addressing Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Additional Resources: Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   The Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!    Transcript:   Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. And both of the questions for today address the way that our adult needs intersect with the demands that we make of other people. Our work to do as the low demand parent in this scenario is figuring out what we really need. And once we know our needs, We can disentangle those needs from all of the various solutions that are coming to our minds immediately of ways to get those needs met. Typically, as parents, our first way to solve getting our needs met is to get our kids to change. Like, well, if I could just get my kid to go to bed earlier, then I could get more sleep at night. Or if I want to go to the gym, I've got to get my kid to go to the childcare. Part of our process here is recognizing the core need, exercise. Sleep, and then separating ourselves emotionally and practically from the solutions that we've latched on to as the key way to get those needs met, especially if those solutions are proving too hard for our kids or, as we'll talk about in this episode, other adults in our network. Once we're clear about our needs, We can let go of the demands and find ways that we can be okay and get our core needs met at the same time as we embrace other people's real live challenges, the places where they simply can't do what we're asking them to do. This is the core of Low Demand. Not that you let go of what matters to you. Not that you sacrifice yourself while everyone else gets their needs met. It's not even an either or between you or your kid. We're stretching into the challenging, murky, and beautiful territory of the both and. What if we have a family dynamic where we can both get our core needs met as long as we can hold loosely to the way it happens? When we bring our curiosity and our creativity to our basic needs, there is always a way forward. Our first question comes from a listener who is wondering a very simple, but actually quite profound question. How do I get my family members to get on board with low demand? I'm all about it. But they're dragging their feet. What do I do? So this one's an interesting one because we really can't get them to agree with you about low demand, to take this seriously, to understand what it's all about. The get them language, when I hear that rising up in my own thoughts or my own wishes or my energy, like, Oh, how do I get them to fill in the blank? It's usually a sign to me that I'm a little bit off track and it's time to go back to the low demand principles. There's can't not won't. If somebody isn't able to meet an expectation that you have, it's that they can't do it. Not that they won't do it. In this case, it's your expectation that your family. Would listen and understand and agree with the approach that you're taking. They may not be able to do that right now. It's really important to remember too, that family is. Not a monolith. There are all of these different family members with their own journey, their own needs, their own expectations, and the particular places of intersection where this is coming up for you. If someone lives really far away, they don't call very often, and they disagree with your parenting, it's probably not presenting a major issue for you unless you are really wrapped up in what they think about you. If that you see them every day, it's an active struggle to negotiate in the moment how you're going to respond to different parenting situations. You're noticing that you parent really differently when this family member is around, um, or you have real needs for emotional connection with this family member. They're really important to you. They're a key part of your emotional support system. All of that is really going to impact how you go forward. So, you know, the first thing with low demand is just having a demand lens, looking at what's too hard for them in this particular situation. What is the particular expectation that you have that they're unable to meet? Are they really unable to listen to you talking about low demand, but perhaps your partner or a podcast would be more accessible? Is there one specific part about seeing that kids do well when they can that's really tricky? That they're able to absorb some aspects of the philosophy, but others are just too hard right now? Um, And then always coming back to why does this matter to you? Is the expectation growing out of your need for more support and validation? Are you feeling lonely or under resourced? Do you really wish that you had somebody to call to talk about this with? Who could understand and process with you? And you're used to doing that with the assembly members, but when it comes to parenting, they're really not available for you. Figuring out what your need is that's growing into this expectation that's unrealistic and that's presenting as a demand for your family members and then going back to the need. Is there another way you can get that need met while honoring what is too hard for the people that you love? In the long run, this kind of journey of self exploration and being more honest about our expectations and releasing other people from expectations that are really not aligned for them This actually enables us to have more closeness and more connection, or at least it allows us to have more aligned relationships where we are actually getting our needs met, where we are close with the people who are truly serving us, and where we can be more in honest communication with the people that we're connected to. Sometimes it does mean taking actions that involve boundary setting around what makes you feel safe or what you need to protect the people that you love. That can come out of realizing what expectations are not reasonable or aligned for other people. It doesn't always mean it brings us closer, but it doesn't always mean it pushes us apart either. It can often be this really nuanced journey of discovering how we can be close with people, how we can get our needs met and how we can release expectations that are really not aligned. I want to give you an example of what this can look like. So in the early days, when we were starting to drop demands, But I hadn't done a lot of the inner work about really knowing my needs and getting clear on what matters most. I started dropping demands left, right, and center to try to get some stability back in our family dynamic. So at that time, we released all All screen limits and naturally, my kids, as they had been highly controlled around their screen use for a long time, and they were all struggling mightily with emotional regulation, they dove headfirst into screen time as a major regulating tool. And that season lasted a lot longer than I thought it would, or than my husband thought it would. And my movement into low demand was pretty unilateral. I I was sure this was the right thing, and it felt like the only thing for us at the time. But I noticed, of course, that my partner was not as on board as I was, and at the time I would have said, I really need you to be on board with me, I need you to support me, I need you to back me up. Those felt like real needs for me, but they were actually solutions. Those were all demands that I was putting on to him. You must, you will, you have to. And every time he looked at our kids on screens and invited them to go do something and they said no or ignored him. He felt so sad, and I saw that sadness all over his face, and it brought up a lot of stuff for me around feeling insecure, wondering whether or not he was judging me or judging the decisions that I'd made, whether we were really true partners in this time in our life. And if I could go back, I would do a lot of things differently, including my partner more thoroughly in the process and being more transparent about what I was thinking and feeling. Bye. But one thing that we discovered together was that my demand that he support me actively, emotionally, was just not true for him. He could not do that. He could

In this episode, Amanda speaks with Dr. Megan Anna Neff, psychologist and co-host of the Neurodivergent Conversations podcast, to discuss how understanding the nervous system changes everything about parenting. They explore how stress responses affect both parents and children, the power of co-regulation, and why meltdowns are more than just big emotions. Dr. Neff shares insights on the autonomic nervous system, practical strategies for supporting neurodivergent kids, and the science of repair after ruptures. Tune in for a conversation on finding compassion and resilience, even in the most challenging parenting moments.   12 Days of Low Demand Holidays:  I'll say it: Holidays can be the absolute worst. This transformative course is tailored for families navigating the unique challenges of the holiday season. Discover impactful video lessons, a comprehensive workbook, and recording of an interactive Q&A to empower you through the festivities. See all the details here!   Links: Meet Dr. Megan Anna Neff Explore Neurodivergent Insights page Check out Megan Anna's wonderful book "Self-Care for Autistic People" Listen to Divergent Conversations podcast with Dr. Neff and Patrick Casale   Time Stamps: 00:34 Meet Megan Anna Neff 02:18 Understanding the Nervous System 04:29 Sympathetic and Parasympathetic Systems 06:50 Nervous System Responses to Stress 09:17 Interacting Nervous Systems in Parenting 10:31 The Science of Interpersonal Neurobiology 11:19 Understanding Mirror Neurons 12:42 The Pressure of Staying Regulated 14:58 The Importance of Repair in Parenting 15:43 Modeling Self-Regulation for Children 17:49 Honesty and Trust in Parenting     Additional Resources: As we move into the end of 2024, you're going to LOVE the Low Demand Holidays course -- your step-by-step holiday survival guide. With your high-needs kids, with burnout hovering, and too much on your plate -- Is celebration and joy even possible? It absolutely can be when you drop demands and focus on what truly matters. Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free!  Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward! Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom   Follow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!  Instagram Facebook Pinterest   Transcript: Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life. In our episode today, I am talking with my friend Megan Anna Neff. Megan Anna is a psychologist, an autistic and ADHD adult, co host of the Neurodivergent Conversations podcast and author of Self Care for Autistic People. This conversation about the nervous system is so important to me as a parent and a parenting coach because I think it's essential information. People come to me all the time asking, are we doing this right? Is my kid doing okay? Here's what's going on in our lives. Are they developmentally on track? We have so many questions and we're always looking around and comparing our kids to other kids, our kids to the normal, our kids to what it says in the book, because we want to answer one fundamental question, which is, are they okay? And the complicated answer is, yes. The only measurement we've been given is in our own bodies. We've been given an internal barometer. It's the nervous system. The only way to know really whether or not something is a reasonable expectation or something you need to drop, whether it's aligned and it feels good or whether it's totally not the right approach, is inside of your body and inside of your child. Learning to trust the information that we're getting from our bodies and learning to read someone else's nervous system is complex and important work. And the conversation that I had with Megan Anna really opened my eyes and helped me understand a lot more about the building blocks of parenting. So here's our conversation about the nervous system. Can you help us understand What is the nervous system? Maybe a really quick overview of what we know about Amanda. You're asking an autistic person to give you a quick overview of a complex construct, but I will do my best because you're right. Parents probably don't want a science lesson. Um, but I, yeah, I do notice that. Um, nervous system is floating around there more in pop psychology, which I love because it's so important when we think about the nervous system. But I also realize people often say that word without realizing what are we talking about? So broadly speaking, our nervous system is our brains, our spinal cord, and then all of the lovely messages and messengers that go out in our bodies that are sending signals up to our. or brain, but the brain is really the center of the nervous system. When people are talking about regulation and nervous system, they're typically talking about a very specific branch of the nervous system. Um, the nervous system kind of branches out, but what we'd be talking about here is what's called the autonomic nervous system. I find it easy to remember because autonomic sounds like automatic. And this is the part of our nervous system that's operating automatically, meaning we don't have control of it. So there are parts of our nervous system that we do have more control over. If I say, I want to pick up a glass of water, or you just picked up coffee, we're telling our bodies to move. That's voluntary. When we're talking about nervous system regulation, we're talking about a system that's not voluntary, which is really important in understanding our kids and our responses, responses to stressors. So things like our heartbeat, our breathing, um, all of these things are part of the autonomic nervous system. I'll stop there. I do want to explain parasympathetic branches, but I'll stop there just to see. So far, are you tracking? Yeah, I'm tracking. Let's try the other ones. I've heard people describe this and read many books and it still hasn't quite stuck. So I'm excited to see if I can sort it out for myself here with you also. So tell me about these other types. Yeah. So within the autonomic nervous system, there's two branches. Again, the nervous system, we can think about like branches off like a tree. They're sympathetic and parasympathetic. You can think of the sympathetic, the easiest metaphors to think of that as the gas pedal and the parasympathetic, like the brake pedal. And we need both of these. So for example, When I was getting ready to meet with you, my sympathetic nervous system started to mobilize, which I could tell, which was good. That's eight 30 here in Oregon. And to be able to be alert and talk with you and have words to say, I need some mobility in my body. Now, if we get too much of that's when we're talking about fight, flight mode, stress response, panic symptoms. And. For externalizers. So one more thing about PDA ers who are externalizers, they're often dipping into their sympathetic mode when they're getting stressed, because what you're seeing is you're seeing their fight mode get activated. Um, or sometimes their flight mode, which can look like stereotypical, like aggressive behaviors or lashing out, which is it's their nervous system getting into that sympathetic mode. The parasympathetic mode, this would be like the break. So when we fall asleep to digest our food, we need to be in our parasympathetic nervous system. Ideally, the break and the gas are working together in harmony. So again, to use this morning as an example, when I was getting ready to come talk to you, it's okay. My parasympathetic system could come online to be like, okay, you've got enough arousal here. Now we don't want to be so stressed out about being on video with Amanda that we're going to keep you in a regulated window. Um, And this, when our body's able to do this, when these systems are able to work together, we're in what's called the window of tolerance, which means we can take in incoming stressors and adapt and respond. Now, our nervous systems need some flexibility to be able to do that because the flexibility of these two branches working together harmoniously. It's not that one branch is good and one branch is bad. Sometimes it gets talked about that way, but it's how flexibly are these systems working together so that you can adapt to your environment? One other thing I'll say, and then I'll stop and dump in on the nervous system is when we, so the window of tolerance, when we enter a stress States, we tend to go one of two places. So I already mentioned sympathetic dominance, fight flight, but autistic people particularly We're equally prone to go parasympathetic or dorsal vague shutdown dominance, which looks like a retreat, withdrawal, like low key disassociation symptoms or not low key. And this is where the person's slowed down. So that can also be a response to stress. But it doesn't look as obvious. So for example, PDA or two internalize might be going parasympathetic dominant and going more into that dorsal shutdown area. So that was a lot of information. Are there any parts you want me to unpack more? That's a landscape of the nervous system. That was so helpful. Thank you for giving such a, an introduction that allows I can already be thinking about my own body systems and how that happens. And one follow up question. So these this the speeding up in the slowing down the gas and the brakes is. Not at the level of conscious thought. It's not, Ooh, it's time for me to take a deep breath here or like, I better hurry so that I'm not late. It's not like that. It's like our body systems react. Right. It's automatic. It's my favorite metaphor I

What it's about: In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, I’m diving into what low demand parenting really looks like. As an autistic adult, mom of three, and someone who’s been on this journey myself, I’ve seen firsthand how letting go of traditional parenting pressures opens the door to more trust, connection, and joy in our families. Inspired by Ross Green’s Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, I share how releasing control and truly respecting our kids’ boundaries can change everything. We’ll talk about how meltdowns are a form of communication, how to build genuine trust, and the growth that comes when we parent from a place of understanding and reflection. It’s all about moving away from power struggles and toward a more peaceful, respectful home life.   12 Days of Low Demand Holidays:  I'll say it: Holidays can be the absolute worst. This transformative course is tailored for families navigating the unique challenges of the holiday season. Discover impactful video lessons, a comprehensive workbook, and recording of an interactive Q&A to empower you through the festivities. See all the details here!   Links: Ross Greene's The Explosive Child Collaborative and Proactive Solutions approach   00:00 Introduction to Low Demand Parenting 00:59 Early Parenting Struggles 02:20 Discovering Ross Green's Approach 03:30 Building Trust and Letting Go 03:59 Core Principles of Low Demand Parenting 08:46 Proactive and Reflective Practices 10:46 The Path to Freedom and Joy 12:51 Personal Transformation and Final Thoughts 15:12 Conclusion and Call to Action   Ready to Start Dropping Demands? If you’re ready to dive deeper into low demand parenting, I’ve got some great FREE resources to help you get started! Quiz: Why is Everything So Hard? – This quick, insightful quiz will help you understand why parenting might feel so overwhelming right now and give you personalized steps to lighten the load. Take the quiz here. Free Chapter: Low Demand Parenting – Curious about my book, Low Demand Parenting? Download the first chapter for free and start your journey toward more ease and joy. Get the free chapter here.   Transcript: Hello, we are going to talk this week about how low demand parenting is different from other parenting techniques. And after years of practicing low demand, what the most powerful demand drops have actually been. Let's talk about how low demand parenting is different from some of the other techniques and tools and strategies and mindsets that you might've encountered. I want to go back to my early parenting days, when I was eager, so desperate, in fact, for strategies that would help me parent my three kids, who I adore with my whole heart, and who also seemed to struggle. Every day with what I had been taught to see as ordinary aspects of being a human and the strategies that professionals and books and blogs and podcasts recommended were things like timeouts or time ins, punishments or consequences or natural consequences, reward charts, sticker charts, praise, praise, Ignoring. And every one of those techniques that I tried chipped away or outright destroyed the relationship I wanted to have with my kids. Clear kind boundaries and developing emotional vocabulary enraged and alienated them. Picture schedules, consistent routines, and enforced sensory breaks all fell flat. Nothing worked. All of the best techniques that I was taught failed. And at every turn, it was my fault. I felt like such a failure. Discovering Ross Green's work changed my path. Ross Green is the author of many books, including The Explosive Child and The Parenting Approach, called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions. When I discovered what Dr. Green describes as releasing adult controlled plans, or Plan A, and his encouragement for us to embrace true collaboration, it felt like freedom. When I truly gave up on My responsibility as the adult being to control the outcomes and the plans, I wept for days. I felt deep relief. I told my kids, I'm not going to force you to do things anymore. If you don't truly consent to it, we don't do it. We didn't even know what kind of life that would look like. It felt like stepping off a cliff. But there was a method. There was a path. And I felt like if we follow this, we'll be okay. The focus in Dr. Green's work is on collaborative problem solving. The hard part is that this kind of back and forth, genuine, collaborative approach was still way out of reach for us. My children's trust in me and in themselves was low. The new scripts and questions that they proposed that I use were triggering. And I could tell we were going to spend a long time just letting things go and building trust day after day. And so that's what we did. We stuck right there, letting things go and building trust, and we developed low demand parenting. And here is what we have learned. I've learned that children's trust is earned day after day. We live in a world that disrespects children and routinely violates their boundaries. Children are regularly controlled and manipulated by adults in full view of everyone. Low demand parenting restores genuine trust by fostering children's inner voice, by listening to their boundaries and respecting their needs. This is a fundamentally anti adultist approach. Adultism is when adults believe they're better or more important than kids and teens, leading them to ignore or control young people's opinions, feelings, and choices. Adultism creates an unfair power imbalance where adults make all the decisions and young people aren't treated with respect or seen as capable. I have learned that parents meet their own needs while honoring their children's boundaries. Boundaries are a huge topic in traditional parenting circles. For traditional parents, parents meet their needs by controlling their kids. Something like, I need my mother in law to think I'm a good mom so you must behave at her house. In low demand parenting, adults learn to identify the deep need, motivating their tendency towards demands. And to honor our own need while dropping what's too hard for the kid. In low demand parenting, we adults learn to identify our deep needs that are motivating our demands. And then we practice honoring our own needs while dropping what is too hard for our children. As a low demand parent, I have learned to heal my relationship to myself. What if you had been trusted and listened to as a child? What if the people in your life honored your boundaries and found creative ways for you to flourish just as you were? As we parent our kids, we give ourselves permission to grieve our pain and to heal old wounds. There's a lot of talk right now about being cycle breakers. And I believe that this kind of parenting is integral in that reality, that we have some cycles we're desperate to break. As children, we knew things about the world. We knew things about ourselves that mattered and somewhere along the way. As we were not listened to, not trusted, not respected, not centered, as adults used their power and control over us and told us who we were, and told us, more importantly, who we were supposed to be, we lost some of those threads. And so many of us, as adults, are desperate to come back to who we once were. This journey of parenting our children becomes a healing journey. For us in our relationship to our own childhood and to our inner children who live in us today. In low demand, we view meltdowns as a sign of trust and a communication that something was too hard. In other parenting schemas, meltdowns typically mean something is wrong. It's a failure, a mistake, a problem. In low demand, meltdowns are just more information. They share that our kid trusts us enough to share their big feelings and something came up that was too hard. The adult then becomes the demand detective, discerning what happened, what crossed the line, what was too hard about that situation, and what information does that give us about what to drop in the future. Low demand works for easy kids and for tough ones. This was something that frustrated me so much as I explored different parenting techniques and trying to find ways to meet the needs of my really tricky kids. So many techniques work for lots of easy kids! But that's the reality with easy kids. Most everything works for them. But if it doesn't work for the ones who are extremely sensitive, if it doesn't work for the ones who feel so deeply, if it doesn't work for the ones who are disabled or have slower processing time or react to question asking, if it doesn't work for them, then it doesn't work. Easy kids are easy kids. That's the whole point. Easy kids are often hiding their discomfort under a veneer of helpfulness and people pleasing. They are too scared of what would happen if they spoke up and named their needs. Maybe some of you were easy kids. You might remember how it felt. Easy kids can be jealous of their more reactive siblings ability to self advocate. They wish they could speak up. They wish they could say what they really thought. Low demand parenting pays close attention to these subtle forms of communication and proactively lowers demands for all kids, easy and tough ones, to find children's true zone of tolerance. Low demand is proactive and it's reflective. It's proactive. If you regularly find yourself dropping a demand in the moment, something like, "no popsicles before dinner. Well, okay, okay, you can have it." Or, "we're gonna go to the store, but I'm not gonna buy you any candy. Okay, okay, I'll get you some." This is a sign that you might want to shift into the more proactive element of this method. Proactively dropping demands means you're doing it ahead of time, intentionally, and wholeheartedly. You communicate these demand drops to your children, which then will enrich your relationship and empower their self advocacy. You don't just let it go in the background and hope no one notices. You bring it right into the center of your

What it's about: In this very first episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, I share the story behind my journey into low demand parenting. It all started when my middle child faced autistic burnout during the pandemic, and I realized that traditional parenting approaches were breaking us down. Through this episode, I explain how letting go of expectations and embracing trust, connection, and safety changed everything for our family. I also give a glimpse into what future episodes will cover, including interviews, mailbag questions, and more real-time reflections on parenting, neurodiversity, and behavior.   00:00 Introduction to the Podcast 01:26 The Beginning of Our Low Demand Journey 02:09 A Turning Point: The Breaking Day 04:09 Understanding Autistic Burnout 05:36 Discovering Low Demand Parenting 07:44 The Origins of Low Demand Parenting 09:52 Developing the Low Demand Method 10:48 The Core Principles of Low Demand Parenting 12:54 Addressing Common Concerns 13:52 The Importance of Safety and Connection 15:37 Conclusion and Future Topics     Ready to Start Dropping Demands? If you’re ready to dive deeper into low demand parenting, I’ve got some great FREE resources to help you get started! Quiz: Why is Everything So Hard? – This quick, insightful quiz will help you understand why parenting might feel so overwhelming right now and give you personalized steps to lighten the load. Take the quiz here. Free Chapter: Low Demand Parenting – Curious about my book, Low Demand Parenting? Download the first chapter for free and start your journey toward more ease and joy. Get the free chapter here.   Transcript: This is a new podcast, and so we are going to be exploring in this episode more about how I came to be talking to you in your earbuds about low demand parenting, about my own journey, and what is low demand. In future podcasts, we're going to have all kinds of great stuff. We're going to have some of my favorite interviews with parents and professors and brilliant thinkers. All around the questions of parenting, behavior, and neurodiversity. There's also going to be some mailbag episodes where you can send me your questions and I will reply directly to you. As well as some of my own thoughts, as they're evolving in real time, about what it means to practice this radical and beautiful parenting style. Our story with Low Demand started five years ago. When my middle kid was five, turning six, we started kindergarten process for him. I'll note in particular that this was during the pandemic, and so everything with school was The option for online kindergarten was terrible. He hated the fact that he couldn't go to the playground, that his experience was so different from his older brothers. He hated the fact that he wasn't making friends and that every single Zoom room was chaotic and overwhelming. We tried school environment, after school environment, and everyone crumbled. And then one day I was desperate, so desperate for this school to work out. And. He was telling me with his body and his energy, no, this is not for me today. And I leaned on the dominant parenting narrative that I had been handed, which is to see this moment as anxiety and to push through. If we avoid something, then anxiety wins and it's only going to get worse. So he needs to face that. this today or else tomorrow is going to be 10 times harder and it's only going to snowball. And so I picked him up and I cooed nice words in his ear like, I love you, I support you, you can do this. And I passed him off into his teacher's hands. She had to fully restrain him in order to keep him inside the school area. And I turned and walked away as he screamed at me to come back. And I share that knowing that many of you have had not just one, but dozens of moments like this, and we have two. It just happens that this was the before and after day for us. This was the day that broke everything. If it didn't break everything, would we have gone on like this? What would have happened? I don't know. This is our story, and this is how it happened. That day when I came to pick him up, he was So angry with me, he began to bang on the windows of the van and scream on the way home. His teacher reported that he'd had a great morning. He bounced back just fine. See you tomorrow. You know, from her vantage point, all was good, but I could tell immediately as soon as I hit the lock on our van doors that something was very, very wrong. For days, he didn't speak. He didn't leave his room. He communicated with growls and bangs and kicks and screams. He knocked things out of my hands and cried every time I came close. He was like a wounded animal and it began what I now know of as autistic burnout. He was just barely six years old. We entered the very hardest months of his life. And of course, by extension, mine, his burnout would last for over a year in which he hardly spoke eight or communicated with us and in which he lost so many of the skills that he developed in his first five years of life up to that point. I had been a gentle, understanding, compassionate, but fairly standard parent. I followed the same playbook, I read the same blogs, I went to the same psychologists, I drank the same Kool Aid. But staring at my six year old as he broke every rule of good childhood and challenged me on every assumption I held on good parenthood, I knew that I was looking at a crucial question. Can I love him just like this? Is he enough just like this? What am I willing to let go of? What am I willing to let break and even to let die in order for something new to be born? And I just, I couldn't look at my precious one and see a failure. I could only see beauty. Honestly, this is where low demand comes from. My deep hope is that you have not watched the light go out of your child's eyes. If you have, you're in the right place because man, there's so few places we can go, but if you haven't, my deep hope is that low demand can be a beautiful adventure into the unknown. It doesn't have to come out of desperation or a breaking point. That's just my story. But we get to freely choose this deeply respectful, compassionate partnership with our children where we trust them to lead us forward into a genuine relationship and into a new way of parenting that isn't built on power, it isn't built on proving ourselves. It isn't about following the rules and showing the world that we're a good parent. I believe that a good parent is someone who sees, respects, and loves their child just as they are. That's what I learned to do the absolute hard way. Just one note, we'll have whole episodes about burnout in the future, but one note is that I don't see burnout as a failure or even as a kind of Popped balloon anymore when I think about that period and when I help others to reimagine what the burnout period is existing in their lives in order to do, I think of it as a metamorphosis. It's more like a worm spinning a sack, turning into goo and emerging a butterfly than it is about falling in some sort of deep, dark hole and then clawing your way out. It feels, it feels like a deep dark hole, like, oh my gosh, that is 100 percent the emotional experience of what's happening. But the life change that's emerging through burnout is actually about deep rest. It's about unlearning and relearning. It's about becoming something new. So what exactly is low demand and how did that become the way forward? Low demand comes, it's origination, it's, it's origin story is from the community around pathological demand avoidance, which is currently, as the time of recording this podcast in 2024, understood as a, a subtype or a profile of the autism spectrum, although there's definitely some interesting research happening around the overlap between autism and ADHD and how those two things impact PDA. The PDA community is the origin story for low demand. And in those early days of burnout, when we were first getting a diagnosis for what was going on, and I first heard about pathological demand avoidance, people would mention in Facebook groups and in blogs to practice low demand parenting. And it kind of intuitively made sense, like give the kid a break, let them off the hook. Don't push so hard. Just let them go. Like, let it all go. And, and that made sense. And I tried that, but y'all, it was so hard. It was excruciating for me. I felt like I had, you know, those early cartoons where the, the character runs off the cliff and they get like five or six steps through midair. And then they suddenly realize there's nothing underneath them and they just plummet. Yahoo! That is what it felt like to me. Like I got five or six steps out on just like, let it go. And then suddenly I felt like I was free falling and I needed more support. And so I did what I always do. I'm a deep researcher. I'm a book lover. I went and Googled low demand parenting. I need the book. I need the expert. I need the method. Tell me how to do this. And so. Didn't exist. Not only did a book not exist, there wasn't even a standard definition for what it meant to be low demand. And here I was reading, this is the only parenting style that works for PDA ers. And there wasn't, there was no map, there was no road, and I was desperate. One of the amazing things about being autistic and desperate is that my pattern seeking brain took over and I was like, well, I guess we're going to figure this out here together, you and me, little kiddo. And so day by day, as I read my kid's cues, what made him perk up and made his eyes sparkle and what made him shut down and withdraw, what made me feel steady and safe. Sturdy and capable and what made me feel terrified and I noticed and I put the pieces together and I created patterns and soon enough I was like, okay, there's a method here before too long. I wrote the method down and that's the core of what became the low demand parenting six step method and the book that I wrote, which is the book. I mean, it's just

Welcome to The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive—even when life feels like it’s stuck on level 12 hard. I’m Amanda Diekman, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. But more than anything, I’m a fellow traveler on this wild parenting journey. if you’re ready to parent with more joy, less pressure, and a whole lot of compassion for yourself and your kids, then I’m so glad you’re here. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and let’s do this together. We’ll laugh, we’ll learn, and we’ll figure out how to thrive. I'm so glad you're here. Remember: It takes great strength to let things go, Amanda