In another interview with my husbo, we're talking about toxic masculinity and how it shows up in relationships. You'll hear why it's become a common barrier in long-term relationships. And you'll also get tips on how to overcome it when it comes up. Interview Questions 1. Toxic masculinity…what is your definition of it? 2. Where are we seeing this right now the most? 3. How do you think society plays a role in it? 4. What influences did you have that helped you become aware of toxic masculinity? 5. What are some common problems you see in relationships bc of it? 6. How do you think it effects someone’s self-worth? 7. What does it look like when it comes up for you? 8. Can you give some examples of how you divert this programming for the audience? Links: Email list: www.mindfulmastery.org/email-list/ I’m gonna leave you with this today, I want to give you a blessing: May you be happy. May all beings be happy. May you be safe from harm and self-destruction. And may you have everything within you to be happy and whole. Be well mindful masters and self-love journeyers and I’ll talk with you again soon. Namaste.
In today's "special guest" episode, I'm interviewing my husband to help you learn about how we maintain our relationship mindfully and to inspire you to do the same! Learn our mindful responses to common relationship pitfalls so that you can have the incredible connection that you deserve. Links: Email: info@mindfulmastery.org FB and IG: @mindfulmasteryschool ; @mynerdyhalf Join the community: www.mindfumastery.org/email-list/
MEA Ep #7 - Your Voice Matters: Why it’s hard to get what you want. Intro: In this episode I’ll be talking to you about why your voice matters and why it’s so hard to get what you want. Before we dive in, I want to make sure you guys know about this little mini-course I just released. To those of you who enrolled and completed the course – thank you so much! It’s my first little course and it’s all about how to know who’s right for you from the start. I feel like dating doesn’t have to be so messy, and when I learned about attachment compatibility it helped me find closure to past relationships and it helped me start to understand that not all breakups were a reflection of me not being good enough. And when I started teaching my clients about it, I saw how it helped them rebuild their sense of worth too. So I created this free course to start helping more people like you too. You can access this course by clicking the link in my bio on IG @mindfulmasteryschool or you can check out the links at the end of the show notes. Also, I’m already working on a flagship course, which means this course is more in-depth than this mini-course. It comes with community support, and live coaching sessions with me. This course is my 4-step mindfulness tool to break through obsessions. I’m actually gonna need handful of people to beta test this course since it is way more in depth. That means you get this course all for free for the exchange of helping me perfect the course before it officially launches for purchase. So if haven’t already, be sure to subscribe to my community at mindfulmastery.org/email-list/ or use the link in the show notes. I’ll be announcing when application is open to be a beta tester only to me email community – so be sure to join us and also get free monthly teachings on how to live and love mindfully. Ok that’s it and thank you again to all of you who are growing with me! I really appreciate it. Alrighty, let’s dive into this episode. Setting the scene – Why it is so hard to get what you want? And I’m not talking about trying to get your chipotle delivered in less than 5 mins or winning the lottery. Today I’m talking to you about why it’s hard to get what you want and need in relationships – the friendships, the coworkers, the bosses, the partners. The times when you are afraid to just say no, or ask for a day off, or that you need reassurance. Half the time, all you know is that you just feel frustrated, angry, misunderstood, forgotten…all those difficult emotions. Think about where that comes from though… You guessed it the insidious belief that “I’m not good enough”. You guys have heard me talk about this over and over again, but it is the root to the suffering that you experience. It was also the wound that I needed to heal because I was going down a long and arduous road of self-destruction. Even on the nights that I felt complete darkness, there was always the smallest, ok let’s be honest a microscopic speck of hope…there was a dim light that said, there’s just another way to live this life. And so, It doesn’t have to be this way. But as you’ve listened in previous episodes, this belief seeps into ev-ery-thing! You may think, well of course in relationships and in my self-worth. But it even comes up in the littlest things that you may not even notice, which I’ll go into in just a bit. What was an “aha” moment for me was when I realized how I played the biggest part in feeling not good enough. I reinforced this notion in everything that I did without even knowing. It’s in the very language we use. What becomes comfortable is avoidance. But as we know avoidance creates suffering. It’s much easier to avoid than say something that feels entirely foreign to come out of your mouth. For someone who normally manages anxiety, the first time I ever tried to be assertive, I just remember being shaky. My brain and body was saying “red alert, red alert, turn on the fight or flight, and prepare for impact”. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to say in the first place and somehow through the rambling, I managed to ask for what I needed. Yes, It was not fun and it was not cute ya’ll. But what I realized is that I was forcing my brain and my body to do something that it just wasn’t wired to do. That’s why it was so easy for me to just avoid speaking up at all. I just didn’t want to feel that anxiety. But the consequences were always, not getting what I need, endless obsessions of judgment and isolation. I feel like in any story, there is a rock bottom for change. And for me, I got really tired of being trapped and it just took me a while to figure out I was the only one holding me back…seriously, that’s all it was. Now while I figured that out, that also meant I had to heal the unresolved trauma in my life, I had to learn new ways to connect, and I had to learn how to care for myself properly. But like I always say, it starts with the decision that only you can make. It’s the commitment that you’ll show up everyday to confront those fears, no matter how shaky, because after a while it isn’t all fumbly anymore. And the more you realize how much your voice matters, you’ll reinforce the belief that you’re worthy in every area of your life. So, show up for yourself and allow yourself to be happy. You really are worth it, so take the time to rewire your brain and body to love. Like… taking off work when you need to or saying no to going out or asking for more quality time Social mores But let’s talk about where this all comes from right? When we’re born we are fully accepted for who we are. But when we start learning “don’t cry, don’t be like this or don’t be like that, be like everyone else, fit in” you know what I’m talking about. We start to develop this narrative that we must live up to certain expectations. Many expectations that are ingrained in us come from social norms, cultural influences, and generational differences. Just to remind you, social norms are these unwritten rules of how we’re supposed to “behave” (I’m totally air quoting right now), how we’re supposed to “behave” in society. And not all of these rules are helpful and many of them block our true selves. And if we don’t follow certain social norms, we are at risk of being shunned, or outcasted. That’s where the anxiety comes in. You’re afraid of being rejected. Ask yourself though, “how far are you willing to go to be accepted at the expense of your authentic self? Because that’s the consequence right there. You compromise yourself. You block yourself from ever knowing who you truly are and valuing yourself there. So here are examples of social norms that we need to get rid of: *Your voice doesn’t matter unless you’re a higher up. (I remember feeling this when I was in the military – I was just a tadpole and unless you were a sgt level or above, your opinion did not matter) *Females: keep your emotions in and please everyone (leaving no time for you and only time for everyone else) *For the rest of you: don’t cry and don’t show emotion because it’s a weakness (again another block to your true self) Case Study Now for many of my clients, I first work with them on how to recognize the amount of judgment that controls their minds. As we learn how to use mindfulness to breakthrough those obsessions, I focus on teaching them how to strengthen their voice. And in a friend of mine’s post on IG – she said that she too had to “feel herself back to her voice”. Because it’s our voice that can move mountains. And it’s the voice that’s always been there, but has been covered by all of these limiting norms and beliefs. That’s why the journey to your authentic self is a rediscovery. So when I work with my clients at this stage, we work on understanding new ways of communicating. We redefine language and their inner narratives. We recognize the social norms and other influences that reinforce the fear of speaking up. Then I challenge them one step at a time to practice asking for what they need, expressing what they feel, and speaking up for the matters that mean most to them. And just like me, it’s all shaky and fumbly in the beginning but eventually they become stronger and they reveal to me their most authentic selves – the self that they fully honor and value. 5 Helpful Tips So I’d like to give you my 5 tips about how to get what you want by becoming your true self. *Let go of the traditions that bring you unhappiness – these ones that create incongruence in your sense of self – and incongruence is when what you say or do doesn’t reflect what you truly feel on the inside – becoming your true self is being congruent both inwards and outwards *Live your life just the way that you feel is right ok? Don’t follow the “expected life” template. (which I’ll be talking about in next month’s episode – stay tuned for that) *Don’t try to fit in so much –be you in everything – use words that you would and not the ones that everyone else uses – just for the sake of being accepted. *Question everything – hell even question me – what I’m saying is to think for yourself, connect to your intuition and ask your wise mind what is right – not your fearful mind *And most of all – take baby steps in speaking up – know that it’s normal for it to feel foreign because for so long you’ve been conditioned to believe that your voice didn’t matter – so using language that is empowering is going to feel weird at first – but remember this is the active rewiring from fear to love – no more avoiding – no more suffering in this way Ok go on and give your voice a chance. Give it a go. I’ll see you in next month’s episode where I’ll be talking more about the “expected life” templates that you need to get rid of if you want to live a life that’s truly your own. Resource Links: https://www.followyourownrhythm.com/blog-1/2017/2/27/5-social-no
Grateful Living: How to find happiness now S01E06 – show notes In today’s episode: we are talking about how to find happiness now instead of later through the practice of grateful living. But before we do, I wanna tell you about this mini-course I’m releasing at the end of this month. In the Ultimate Guide to Relationship Compatibility: The Whys of Breakups, you’ll learn why your past relationships weren’t compatible, how you can find compatible relationships for the future, and how to strengthen your self-worth by healing a limited attachment system. (which is necessary for any healthy, mindful relationship). I’ve created an easy to absorb and accessible way for you to learn the single most important information that you need if you’ve recently broken up or just out of the game for a while and are unsure about how to get back into dating. Knowing this opens the door for true connection and it comes down to one thing that kept coming up for me and my clients…attachment systems. So, if you’d like to get on the waitlist for when it drops, be sure to click on the link at the end of the show notes! Ok, so let’s dive in to grateful living… Intro – How often do you find yourself daydreaming about the next thing that will bring you closer to happiness? And what is happiness anyway? I had to look into this a bit more because when you actually think about it, happiness is a vague concept. Here’s what I found, happiness tends to relate to positive emotions, accomplishments, well-being…just a sense of “life is good”. I used to think happiness was when I secured a career, got married, have a house, and have children and then I would be happy. But every time I didn’t accomplish those things like I thought I should, I was left feeling disappointed in myself. It’s the happiness is a destination thinking. It’s the “if I had this…then! I’d be happy thinking” If you had this…then you’d be happy. So how’s that working for you? Not so great is it…because what ends up happening is that you cement yourself in an endless cycle of accomplishing happiness instead of living it. Happiness is a choice. It’s a way of being and it’s not centered on accomplishments or “things” at all. Happiness is now and I’ll show you how to practice gratitude and find happiness in the present without having to wait until you 65 with all the “things” and then you can enjoy life. Your life is an entire experience and you don’t have to spend the first half of it preparing to enjoy life. You can do that now. Gratitude – you’ve heard of it right? This is a practice of being thankful. Yeah I know it sounds simple but it’s not when your mind hasn’t ben trained to think in this way. Gratitude allows your mind to process your experiences through the lens of love no matter what kind of experience you’re having… In other words, you can have a really shitty experience and still find meaning or gratitude in it…like a reminder that you’re alive and that you may have some work to do. Now let me make sure I explain this clearly, this does not mean to be in denial about things that need to change, this is finding meaning behind the life struggles in order to grow and find happiness in the midst of painful emotions. If life was all rainbows and unicorn farts (which btw, one of my clients says this and it just cracks me up when she says this), but if it was, there would be no growth. You experiences will be shallow. It’s a distorted way of approaching life, that has been fueled by a society, that says you must acquire certain things in order to feel complacent and ok. Think about that, if you’re constantly trying to get these “things” (and I’m totally doing air quotes with the word ‘things’ because that in itself is vague as all get out), ask yourself…are you missing out of the whole experience of life? Life is ups and downs. Life is heartbreak and liberation. It’s all of those things. To be alive is to experience all of what being a human is… Subscribing to the ‘You’ll get there one day attitude’ will prevent you from fully experiencing life, fully owning your choices, and being able to look back when you’re old AND saying that you were fully in this life. And that’s where gratitude comes in. It forces you to come to the present, and really look at what your life experiences truly are…as is. Our normal reaction to anything when we don’t like something is to immediately get rid of it and focus on the next strategy that would finally give you ALL the happiness you need. But remember that happiness isn’t just positive emotions, it’s finding meaning in difficult ones too. Gratitude is saying thank you to lessons you’ve learned. It’s being thankful that you’re still alive and here. It’s being thankful that you are being guided to a more peaceful way of being. It’s a guide back to the light. Gratitude in relationships Now let’s talk about what gratitude looks like in relationships. If you’re thinking…if I was this…then! I’d be picked by prince charming. If you’re thinking…if they would’ve just did this, then! I wouldn’t be in this mess. This is that happiness is a destination thinking again. Using mindfulness here to come to the present and detach from that thinking will allow you to connect to gratitude. With gratitude, you may start thinking things like what did this disagreement teach me about myself or about us? Then it may start sounding like, I’m grateful that I’m even in a relationship that is willing to work through disagreements. I’m grateful that I believe that I am worth more than my looks. I’m grateful that person rejected me because if they didn’t, I would still be questioning my worth. I’m grateful to be sad today because that means I’m alive and I still have all of my emotions. Happiness is a destination thinking keeps you small folks. And you are sooo much more than that! You are a dynamic human being, with unique experiences and a purpose to fulfill. Allowing gratitude to guide your mind, allows you to shift that little negative nancy voice that likes to run amok sometimes…or maybe it feels like that all the time. And if it does, start here with gratitude because it will show you how to find meaning for what has happened and for where you are now. Listen you don’t know when your life is going to end, and it will because that’s what life is. It’s a life/death/life cycle. Allow yourself to let go of the thinking that needs to die so you can grow forward. Let’s let this happiness is a destination thinking die because it isn’t serving you anymore. 5:1 Ratio and Negative Bias Let’s look at where else limited programming shows up. As human beings, we have a natural tendency to focus on the negative. It’s evolutionary because it keeps us out of harms way, but obvi…with a more complex world that we live in, it isn’t sustainable because all you’re doing is learning ways to avoid something that doesn’t feel so great, paralyzing you from being able to withstand and embrace tough times. One of the most important aspects of mindfulness is acceptance and we have to accept that there is finite nature to our lives, that happiness is a choice you can make now through gratitude, and understanding that there will be crappy times in life. There will also be crappy times in relationships. You’re supposed to bump heads sometimes. It’s ok! I always say disagreements are normal and necessary for relationships to grow…fighting is not. It’s said that in relationships, a healthy balance of the negative and positive comes down to a 5:1 ratio. If there are 5 positive associations in relation to 1 negative, then relationships tend to be more stable for the long-term. It’s a shift from a negative bias to practicing gratitude, which is why it feels foreign when you start thinking in this way. That’s mindfulness is so important because practicing being mindful because it allows you to retrain the mind. Benefits of Gratitude According to Psychology Today, gratitude also allows you to… Improve your health Open the door to more relationships Reduce aggression and increase empathy Improve your psychological health It can improve your sleep And most importantly for you guys, it can strengthen your self-esteem aka your self-worth Everything happens for a valid reason. Now let’s be real about this. I was watching A Call to Courage with Brene Brown on Netflix which by the way, you need to watch and take notes if you haven’t seen it yet. She talks about gratitude and brought up the phrase “everything happens for a valid reason”… I’ll admit, I’ve said this for a long time with my clients and to myself, without realizing how wrong I was. But Brene was right…how can you say when someone loses their child that it happened for a valid reason or that if someone was sexually assaulted, that also was for a valid reason? Yeah that blew my mind. But she went on and said something more profound. It’s not that everything happens for a valid reason, which could imply that you somehow manifested horrible things for yourself. Sometimes awful, horrible things happen, for no reason… But what’s important for you to do, and a crucial part of any healing, is to find meaning in horrible things that have happened to us. Not that you need to say “I’m so grateful I was attacked”. No no no I mean “I’m so grateful I’m alive now and that the attack hasn’t destroyed me”. “I’m so grateful to have strength now to keep fighting for others”. See that difference? You practice gratitude for finding meaning and the more meaning you find with your life trials and tribulations, you will then find more happiness now. Wrap up So you see it’s a practice of choice. Practicing to choose to find meaning. Choosing to slow down, be in the present, and allow yourself to be fully alive which is happiness. Being fully here, right now, and feeling peace no matter how noisy it can be around you. So here’s my challenge to you, when you practice mindfulness, start your morning by focusing on simple th
Self-care is Self-love – Ep. 5 Mindfully Ever After The Podcast Intro – In this episode, I’ll be teaching you the social norms that prevent you from taking care of you, the importance of taking care of you, the 6 areas of wellness, and tips to start making you a priority because making you a priority means your needs are important and that is what we call self-love. Let’s dive in. Let’s talk about workweeks because this tends to be the biggest barrier to proper self-care. Listen to this: 100 years ago, people clocked in 10 hours a day, worked 6 days a week, and then went to church on Sundays were for church…so not much time for you Thanks to the Jewish community and labor unions you were able to have at least Saturday, the one day you had completely to yourself Then in 1926, Henry Ford made it possible to have 2 days off per week, which inspired other companies to do the same… However, Henry Ford didn’t do it for altruistic reasons. It was more that he hated labor unions. So now we have the 5-day 40 hour work week, but even this is outdated! In 1930 John Maynard Keynes (a British economist who changed the theory of macroeconomics) - predicted by 2030 we should be working as little as 15 hours per week…haven’t seen any of that huh? Richard Nixon agreed that the 4-day work week was inevitable, and work hours steadily decreased but in the 70’s, people started to work more again which steadily increased to up to 4 weeks more per year Working this much can me you less productive, incite lower cognitive functioning…basically you’re working yourself stupid, as Adam says on Adam Ruins Everything, which by the way is an amazing show to watch if you want to learn more about how societal norms limit you. If you want to know if it’s possible to even work less…yes it is! In France, they work on average 400 hours less than the American worker – that’s 10 full work weeks – and they also display higher levels of happiness The work week alone can make it difficult to take care of you – if you’re lost in that rat race of course. I’m not saying to quit your job, but I’m saying to reevaluate if your job is killing you or is growing you and make changes as necessary. If it’s not helping you to grow, then the priority has to be made to focus on your wellness regularly. If not, you won’t thrive in life but rather, you’ll just be surviving with chronic burn out. Relate to self I used to work up to 60-70 hours a week when I was in the military. I was so burnt out by the end of my enlistment I was just waiting for the day for me to get out. I fell into depression and relied on alcohol to get me through the day. Well I got out because I decided that I wanted to spend my life doing something more rewarding like helping people. After finishing my undergrad I went into grad school to become a counselor. After that I graduated and worked in community mental health in which I worked about 45-55 hours per week…so not much better. My old familiar friend – burn out returned and the same thing happened. I fell back into depression and sought out alcohol to numb the pain. I wasn’t able to show up for myself, my friends, or my family. I was literally trying to just get through the day. The thought of rest and being able to stop and take a breath…no way. I had to make a major change…I had to find my purpose and be willing to work towards it. I had to start focusing on my wellness and healing the wounds deep down that said I wasn’t good enough for anything or even my own attention. Now I work about 30-35 hours per week and I can tell you that I feel whole, complete, purposeful, and that I’m thriving in life. I worked through the inner wounds and allowed myself to make the changes necessary to restructure my life based on purpose, wellness and self-love. Now I’m doing work that has massive positive impact, which fuels me every single day and making time to take care of me is actually more important that the work itself. I’ve come to know that I can’t do anything else or help any of you if I’m not taking care of me. And when I need to make time for me, I mindfully let go of any thoughts of guilt or shame about it. It all started with me saying to myself, this is not the way I want to live my life and that I deserve to thrive in life. Have you said that to yourself before? What is keeping you from living your best life? Is it fear? Is it that you feel you have no other options? Is the thought of making you a priority unfathomable? Life is meant to be lived because you deserve happiness. Life isn’t all about work so you have to find balance. Finding Balance begins with understanding the 6 areas of wellness. This has helped my clients and myself learn how to structure ourweeks based on balanced wellness, resulting in higher levels of satisfaction, work productivity, reduced levels of guilt, and increased levels of self-awareness (aka self-love). There are six areas: social, physical, emotional, spiritual, occupational, and environmental. Let’s start with social – we are human beings with an innate desire to connect, unfortunately we live in a time with technology that is supposed to connect us more but resulting often in more isolation – so you got to socialize people, it’s good for your health and it’s good to be connected – so make time to socialize It doesn’t have to be some big plan – it can be a simple phone call to a friend – now I’ve been working on this – I admit I have difficulties upkeeping long-distance friendships – but I made a goal this year to connect more – so lately I’ve been calling old friends about 1-2 per week because I know that’s all I’m capable of right now and it’s been helping me feel connected Think about small changes here. Do what you can but challenge yourself to connect. Next we have the physical area of wellness – so yes it’s basically sleep, nutrition, sex, and exercise (well sometimes you can count sex as exercise so it’s like a two-fer) See if you can make changes to your diet – while a plant-based diet seems to be healthier statistically, try to eat less processed foods, decrease meat consumption, lower alcohol intake, increase water intake, and create balanced plates How are you sleeping? Sleeping is the most important function of the body because it’s the time in which your body heals and regenerates. Without proper sleep, you can count on feeling more stressed from that alone. Males typically need less sleep than females and the amount of sleep varies. For me I need about 8.5 -9 hours and that’s the sweet spot for me. Try a sleep diary to work out what hours work for you. Keep in mind anything less than 7 hours is risky. Let’s talk about sex baby! – If you’re not in a relationship – well it’s more like self-love if you know what I mean. Love your body and enjoy the pleasures that you have with this human body. If you’re in a relationship – are you having healthy sex or at all? Sex is important in relationships because it increases intimacy and connection. When you share yourself with another person in this way, you are connecting in one of the most vulnerable ways and it should be respected. If you’re having sex and it doesn’t feel like that…that’s also something to look at. Finally…exercise. Literally I just looked at my steps in writing this and yeah I need to move around more. It’s a work in progress. Don’t worry I’m hitting the gym before I record this episode. The last month I’ve been moving around more and it’s been helping my state of mind. It’s not always easy but once you make a routine, it becomes second nature. Start small if you need to, but start somewhere. Your body is meant to move around and make it fun. I love walking outside with my pup because we both need exercise and plus I love enjoying the weather and nature around me. If you need to start walking at least 10-20 minutes once a week, then after a while when you get good at that, make it twice a week, then increase the time and then so on and so forth. Meet yourself where you’re at, start small, and get good at one thing at a time. The next area of wellness is emotional This is also known as our mental health. These can include several activities like coaching, self-study courses, online support groups, journaling, in person support groups, yoga, meditation, etc. This is anything that helps you connect to more peaceful vibes. If we haven’t healed the wounds deep down, it will make it difficult to do anything else so this area of wellness can be the first place you start depending on where you’re at. To this day, I still jump on self-study courses on personal development, watch inspirational documentaries, practice meditation daily, engage on private groups on FB, and journal. I used to see a therapist once a month, but recently I was able to move on independently without it, at least for this chapter in my life. There is also spiritual wellness – now that doesn’t mean that you must follow some spiritual practice. You can be atheist and still have spiritual wellness. Spiritual wellness is any practice or activity that helps you feel connected…connected to self, connected to life, and connected to others. Many of the things you do for wellness can address more than one area. For me I was raised Catholic but now I consider myself more of a spiritual pagan. So those practices help me stay connected. But yoga and meditation is also a part of that for me. Take a look at what you’re doing in other areas and see if it also addresses here if you’re stuck. The next area is occupational. So yes reevaluating your work week is helpful here. Ask yourself these questions: Am I fulfilled with this work? Does this work bring me purpose? What impact does this have on me and/or my family? Am I working too much or not enough? The last area is environmental which looks at where you live and your basic needs. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, basic needs are the base of anything else. Ask yourself these questions too?
Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies… Intro: In today’s episode we are talking about how to become your authentic self through your words by dismantling the need to tell lies, and more specifically white lies. Itinerary: I’ll be talking about the real stats of how much we are lying these days. Then I’m gonna review how the ego and society has influenced lying. And then I’m going to talk about how to mindfully restructure your worth through your words. So let’s dive in… The Why – How many of you heard the word ‘congruence’ before? What that means is that what we say to others, reflects how we truly feel on the inside. This is difficult to do these days because society has taught us a number of ways to avoid telling the truth from flat out lies to the smaller lies we tell to save face and protect some false sense of ourselves that says we’re not good enough. The ego and distorted society doesn’t want you to be quirky, to think for yourself, to stand up for what you believe in, and be truthful with others. These norms may have worked at some point but we are continuing to evolve and we are at the age where we must ascend to a higher way of being in order to survive with each other. But for the longest time, we’ve learned to be incongruent and that dissonance creates suffering. So much so that we compromise our integrity, reliability, and worth, just to keep this mask on that says you are all the things society says you need to be. We learn this at such a young age…from being cool from sitting in the back of the bus to going along with our peers for fear of being cast out of the clique…it’s ingrained in us. We don’t want to be cast out or rejected. Mindfulness puts power back in your hands and allows you to value yourself as you truly are. You are working yourself out of these outdated ways of beings and are wanting to truly show up as yourself, without fear of judgment…which start with you not judging yourself with everything you say. So that’s what we’re talking about today, another way to instill authenticity in what you say. For me, when I chose to be exactly the way I am with all my flaws, I started being honest about what I was doing to myself as well as to others. I had to release shame in order to work with guilt. It made it easier for me to take accountability for what I was doing and the more I restructured my life…I started seeing myself saying to others what I truly needed, what I wanted, and it liberates me still to this day. It forces me to take a moment and really check in with what I’m feeling and what I need because I choose to value what I’m about and so my words reflect that. And I value others, so I give them the same respect. Healing anxious relationships is about building self-love and that self-love has to permeate into every part of your being and our words is where we make the biggest impact. How can we change this? How can we show up as ourselves and let that energy of acceptance radiate out of ourselves to that we attract more people who accept that energy? It’s a step-by-step process of practicing telling the truth, genuinely, and bravely. Article #1 So I’m reading this article the other day about all this and it says… By age 4, 90% of children have grasped the concept of lying And 60% of adults can’t even have a 10-min conversation w/o lying at least once (according to studies conducted by the University of Mass.) So the question is, why has this become such a widespread custom? Well if we’re grasping this concept by the age of 4 that means it was modeled for us in some way. Whoever was your caregiver, guardian, or just the environment you grew up in… lying was modeled in some way as a way to avoid something uncomfortable so at 4 years of age, you really don’t have much ability to think for yourself so of course you’re gonna soak this up like a sponge and it just becomes automatic. So by the time you’re an adult, this stuff is second nature. What are some of the common white lies that we tend to tell? Listen to these common white lies here and see what relates to you… I’m fine. I’m 5 minutes away. Just kidding… My phone died. I thought I hit the ‘send’. I think there’s something wrong with my phone. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ll pull out. New phone, who dis? You see a pattern here? None of these statements tell the truth of what you’re really feeling or what you want. Think about it, every time you tell a white lie, what you’re really doing is robbing yourself from being able to speak your truth, verbalize your needs, and you also rob the other person from knowing what’s really going on. A client told me this yesterday, he said that it’s like putting an “!”…sometimes white lies helps us be heard or taken seriously, but in the end the consequence is that you wont be taken seriously at all...which reinforces the notion that your words or opinions don’t matter…but guess what?! That’s what we’re changing. Speaking authentically allows you to reinforce the notion that your words, beliefs, needs, boundaries, and opinions matter. It may seem funny and rather easy to tell a white lie, but in the end all you’re doing is reinforcing the mask your ego wants you to wear –upholding this false sense of self. But if you’re like me, and I imagine you are since you’re listening to this, that you want to be more authentic because as your authentic self, there is self-love. You’re ready to embrace vulnerability because you want to believe inside and out that you are worthy of love, which means you and others are worthy of the truth. It’s all about congruence friends. If what’s going on, on the outside, doesn’t match what’s going on, on the inside, then there’s dissonance there. And that discord will only make it easier to doubt yourself and others. What we avoid, is what we suffer from… Reference article In that same article, it says that “in general we lie about things that aren’t important, little things that we think will make us look better or more likeable”. To what standards right? Probably the ones that are force-fed to you from society and other controlling entities of power. Control is the word to pay attention to here, even though you may have had these norms forced upon you without your knowing, that wasn’t your fault, but what you do now is your responsibility. If you want to be authentic, pay attention to what you’re saying. Is it congruent? Are you saying what you truly mean? Be impeccable with your word. Now that doesn’t mean to be abrasive and call everyone you know out on a regular basis. I’m saying to tell people what you truly want and need. What you truly feel and what you believe or think. This will cause you to experience vulnerability but remember that vulnerability is the avenue to authenticity, so be mindful to gently express what you’re saying to others. Say it with confidence and compassion. There’s a bit of finesse and tact that is needed in practicing this but believe me, when I made a commitment to stop judging, it helped me to stop gossiping and then it led me to here, lining up my words to match my worth which meant, no more room for falsehoods or little while lies. No more need to keep wearing the mask of my ego in my words. Like I always say, I’m human just like the rest of you guys, so I’m not perfect but because of mindfulness, I am aware of those slip ups and I can certainly make apologies and try to correct it as soon as I can. I know I’m worth that and I know other people are worth that same sentiment. It’s also important to remember that we tell bigger white lies that can cause some bigger issues. Here’s a statistic, 30% of internet users are online looking for love on dating sites. “According to a study by Scientific American, a whopping 90% of people looking for a date online lie in their profile. The biggest fib told by women is an obvious one; on average ladies claim to weigh eight and a half pounds less than they actually do. Men, on the other hand, try to use their profile to convince potential partners that they are taller, richer, and/or better educated than they actually are.” I’ve tried dating sites in the past briefly and it just didn’t fit for me, probably because too many people were peacocking, flaunting, and just not being authentic and that’s just not where I was in my life. I was over the games. I wanted a genuine connection. If you want a deep connection with someone, you have to be able to be real so if you’re putting a white lie here and a white lie there, you’re not being yourself and you’re leaving the door wide open for self-judgment and superficial connections that often times leave you feeling even more alone than before. Real connections don’t start this way friends. They start with self-love and authenticity. Listen It’s ok to say… It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to cancel plans and say “you know I really wanted to go at the time but today I’m not really feeling it, maybe we can reschedule?” It’s ok to say goodnight at the end of a date that hasn’t gone well, without giving false promises that you’ll text them later or even see them again. It’s ok to say, “I had a nice night but it doesn’t feel like there’s quite a connection there and that’s ok. I hope you have a good rest of your night. Take care!” It’s ok to say, “we’ve been dating for a little bit now and after some reflection, it’s best for us to part ways” (especially when it’s toxic). It’s ok to say that you don’t feel up to talking right now and letting them know that you’ll talk to them tomorrow. It’s ok to say that you didn’t find that joke funny. It’s ok to say what you truly mean and quite frankly it’s incredibly liberating. So every moment that you notice the urge to tell a white lie, give yourself a chance to be authentic, embrace vulnerability, and say what you mean. Being impeccable in your words is a liberating process and simultaneously increases your confidence. Remember to deliver your message with care and compassion but continue to s
“Walk the walk. Talk the talk.” – MEA Ep #3 2019 Season Show Notes Intro – In today’s episode of MEA we are learning how to practice radical self-acceptance the daily practice of self-love, because self-love is true love and when you learn how to be the essence of love, your reality will reflect that back to you. That’s fulfillment! Embodying love is how you receive love. And remember the love that we strive for is not the sensationalized notion of love, but the authentic meaning of love. Relationships are a reflection of your worth back to you. When you love yourself fully, you get that reflected back to you. However, if you lack self-love, you will get that reflected back to you. So we must learn how to break through the limited thinking that says that you’re not enough in order to create the space needed for mindful action and its in that mindful action, that you can reauthor your life, aligned to love. Review of topics: Learn what radical self-acceptance is (the process of shifting thoughts by mindful action) The importance of reauthoring (shifting beliefs and choosing love) The step-by-step process of RSA…so let’s dive in! RSA Daily practice of self-love – think of it like connecting to the part of your mind that sounds like the most loving and accepting person you know, this could be your best friend, maybe a family member, or even a role model of yours, whoever that is, think about the things they would say to you when you are doubting yourself – RSA allows you to connect to that place, in other words, you connect to your higher self, your higher self is that cheerleader – that person cheering you on because they believe in who you are Let’s be real, we say some pretty gnarly things to ourselves. We all have the ability to go there and I’ve certainly been there. Maybe you dropped your coffee on yourself on the way to work and the immediate thought is “ugh I’m such an idiot…why am I always so clumsy?!” Or it can go even deeper and become more sinister like if that person doesn’t text you back right away and the thoughts start saying “see you said too much and now they are ignoring you”… “I will always be alone”. Or after that breakup the fearful thoughts say “I’m never gonna be loved. There’s just something wrong with me. What is wrong with me? I am so lost. It just hurts so much and why can’t anyone ever love me? I’m trying to be what I’m supposed to and all I want is to love someone and have that given back to me. I’m just never gonna be good enough and I should just settle”. You know these are things that I’ve said to myself. It’s awful to feel like something is wrong with you and when you’ve felt rejected so many times, it’s almost like you get stuck in a rerun of despair. I used to think that if I just perfected this area of my life or perfected this about myself, THEN someone would accept me and then I can be loved, get married, and be worthwhile. Well that didn’t play it that way for me. And it rarely works that way. You see it’s not the other person who validates you, it is yourself. When you become that love that is accepting of your authentic self, compassionate, and consistent, then your entire reality will reflect that. It’s not something you have to perfect about yourself, but a liberation from the programmed thoughts and patterns that are reinforced by the distorted belief that you’re not good enough. You are good enough! You are worthy! RSA helps you connect to that truth in each moment a fearful thought arises. Instead of replaying the story that you’re not good enough, you create space from that story, acknowledge and honor it, then mindfully choose a loving action that is in line with your worth that is already there. It’s the journey within. Practicing daily self-love in this way, helps you strengthen the part of your mind that sounds like a best friend, or family member, or role model that supports you and your value. We gotta change this notion that our worth is found in the validation of another. The validation we are seeking is within ourselves and the practice of RSA is a skill we will learn how to cultivate together and thereby healing those limiting beliefs and connecting to the authentic truths of who you are and why you’re valuable already. It’s not something you have to earn. It’s something you need to realize within you. Reauthoring As we practice RSA, what we’re doing is reauthoring our lives. It takes commitment and determination to no longer replay those stories, or those relationships, that reinforce the limiting notion that you’re not enough. When you reauthor your life, you get to fully own all of your choices and it’s empowering because when you come to know this, life gets pretty magical. Now there are some requirements for this…there are some traits that you’ll need to strengthen but what you’ll find in practicing RSA is that you will simultaneously strengthen those traits anyway. It’s like a bonus! What is needed is… Vulnerability, first and foremost…vulnerability is how you can show up as your authentic, weird, and flawed self, even if you are feeling uncomfortable and awkward about it. Vulnerability is needed so you can take down the mask of your ego and try out how it feels to be truly who you are underneath that mask. It’s necessary for connection and it’s necessary to keep yourself accountable while you reauthor your life. Determination, listen there are gonna be days that you don’t want to meditate. Or there will be days you’ve already played out a pattern in which you reacted, or reinforced that notion that you’re not good enough. But it’s with determination that you continue to show up for yourself, redirect after replaying those patterns, learning from those detours, and continuing to practice self-love no matter what. Because in those moments when you make a mistake, it’s even more critical to practice self-love. That can be the most difficult part of this but the most important part of this transformation. Let me say that again, this is the most important part of this transformation. You have to learn to love yourself especially in the moments when you want to hate on yourself. So reauthoring your life is recognizing those patterns that replay that story that you’re defective in some way, and mindfully choosing to act otherwise and switch from reacting to responding. That’s the shift. With the help of practicing RSA, you create new stories, new narratives that you are worthy of love and compassion because here you are doing that already in a familiar moment in which you would have done otherwise. Now a piece of advice, as I’ve said in a previous episodes about practicing mindfulness…Mindfulness does not eradicate fearful thoughts. Even after reauthoring your life, you will be presented with life challenges that may trigger those old limiting beliefs. But because you practice being mindful daily, you will have the psychological flexibility and strength to recognize and redirect with RSA. So in other words, you’re gonna be REALLY aware of those thoughts. They will be there but they don’t have to control you anymore. RSA step process So let’s talk about the step by step process. If you haven’t received your printable for this month’s topic, be sure to subscribe to the Mindful Mastery School email list for future content (the link is listed in the show notes) but also in these show notes is the link to get your RSA step-by-step flow chart to follow along and post it up somewhere you can see it often as a reminder. I’ll provide the link as we close this episode today. Now, the first step is to recognize what kind of thought is there…is it a loving thought?, well carry on then! You’re already connected to a loving place in your mind…your higher self. Good job! If it is a fearful or limiting thought… notice the thought w/o judgment. Don’t identify yourself with it. Notice it for what it is…a fearful thought in reaction to something that says you’re not good enough. Breathe deeply while you notice, acknowledge it without trying to fix it or change it in some way…just notice and acknowledge that it’s there. No need to repress. It’s just there. Next step is to ask yourself “did you say something unloving to yourself because of that thought maybe outloud or in your mind? Did you say something unloving to other people or maybe about yourself to other people? If not, continue to breathe and mindfully let the thought pass like a cloud in the sky as it needs to. It might not go away immediately, and that’s perfectly normal! Some emotions and thoughts linger longer than others, but remember everything is temporary and it will pass. If you did end up verbalizing an unloving thought, don’t worry, this happens too. Remind yourself that you are reauthoring and this is just a moment to do just that. So, just ground to the present moment and breathe deeply. Notice how this effects your body. Then the most important step is to forgive yourself! Remember your higher self or your loving friend would forgive you, so you need to forgive yourself too. You are worthy of your own forgiveness because you’re human like the rest of us. We say dumb shit to ourselves sometimes guys. I do it. It’s impulsive and it’s a reflection of the programming we’re trying to liberate ourselves from. After you’ve forgiven yourself maybe saying “I forgive myself for being human”, or “I forgive myself for this thought”. Start to mindfully breathe in love, let it fill every space of your body and mind. For me, it feels like a really warm golden glow that envelops me. You may have other ways that you envision this. But let love fill you and then mindfully breathe out fear. Again, for me it looks like black smoke escaping my mouth and nose. Just continue to breath in love and breathe our fear. What you’re doing is breathing in what serves your highest good and releasing what no longer serves you. Continue to do this until the body relaxes until you notice that you’ve created
MEA Episode #2: Aligned Intentions = Aligned Year Intro: In today’s episode we are talking about how to set effective, aligned intentions to have a wildly abundant year of self-love. Review Talking Points – I’ll be talking about what is alignment, how to align, and how to manifest aligned intentions. Let’s dive in… Alignment Think of alignment as connected to your deepest sense of compassion, trust, authenticity, and fulfillment Cultivating your higher purpose Main purpose in life – awaken to love because in love you find: Compassion Acceptance Understanding Peace Happiness Liberation Avoidable suffering of the mind – relate to ego and misalignment (reminder that ego isn’t the westernized understanding of it, narcissism, but more about the sense of ourselves that is I, me, mine à judgment, fear, separation, otherness – racism, bigotry, selfjudgement, survivor mentality, of the fittest, leave us more isolated – but it’s in the union of ourselves and with others that we experience transcendence and therefore become a co-creator of our lives. How to know you are aligned: Manifestations turning reality Deep sense of peace and fulfillment in the moment Perfect trust of timing Confidence in your power Story – driving to Maitland Ticket Ego in control New year’s intention Subtle shift = significant difference Worthy of peace so I am peaceful Self-loving intentions The purpose behind it – come from worthiness Empowering language / “instead of…” Getting married, finding “the one”… what are you truly asking for? To be loved, to be understood, to be accepted as your true self, think about what those qualities are not to fill a void but because you are worthy of it Using the power of I Am – we practice mindfulness so we can stay aligned and maintain the embodiment of what we truly are – loving and compassionate beings How to manifest 3 step process Make those intentions known – clear, and aligned, empowering language, Rituals Journal Telling friends and family Prayer, meditation My personal goals: friendship, presence, alignment, prosperity, intentional content, love Trust and surrender – accepting hardships and detours in the right direction (Gabrielle Bernstein) Grateful living, what you have now, you dreamt of at some point Stay mindful – transcend limiting/fearful thoughts Do what you can, leave the rest to work itself out in divine timing à receive CTA: The Self-Love is True Love 14 day challenge (give link) mp/mindfulmastery.org/jan-printable
Mindfully Ever After ep. 1: in today’s episode we are going to learn how to “Hold it Lightly” Regular intro Intro: I’ll be talking about what meditation is and how to use meditation as a way to break through the fearful stories of your past! Let’s dive in. What is meditation? Myth vs. fact Think of it like…mindful observance (passing like clouds in the sky) Intro to deep breathing and grounding Nervous systems, cavemen times à chronic activation à makes it real easy to keep replaying stories of your life Grounding test – listen, feel If you get really good, you can even do this standing up – you can always breathe, which means you can always be mindful Hold it lightly (reference to Florence) Affinity article analyzing tracks Niahm Parr http://culture.affinitymagazine.us/florence-and-the-machines-high-as-hope-a-track-by-track-analysis/ Then it's just too much, I cannot get you close enough A hundred arms, a hundred years, you can always find me here And lord, don't let me break this, let me hold you lightly Give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly “The song sees Welch tired with how difficult her relationship is and that she has to “hold too tightly” and “pray” to keep it from breaking Remind to hold thoughts lightly, maybe we can hold life’s challenges more lightly – trust that you are enough That’s the goal: to hold it lightly because “if you hold on too tightly you may miss the transformation waiting for you on the other side” observer vs. active participant let thoughts flow, let experiences flow, look at your thoughts without becoming identified by them, without judgment “every life challenge is a moment for you to be more mindful and transcend” “instead of fear, choose transformation” Stories and neg. core beliefs Think of stories as beliefs à thoughts we keep thinking à words are our thoughts in action (self-talk or to others) Common stories: I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I can’t trust anyone but myself Confirmation bias – fancy term in the biz that posits we look for what we pay attention to Now you can choose (and I emphasize choose) to be imprisoned by those stories or you can choose to reauthor, mindfully and openly Younger – we don’t have the mental capacity to take charge of how we are authoring our lives (age 26) Living mindfully, is practicing awareness and when you can observe without judgment, you now have the power to choose otherwise despite the fearful thoughts and difficult emotions that arise I still do this now…it doesn’t matter how many years you’ve studied or practice mindfulness, old stories creep up, I just have the awareness to say “no this is a replay of a story I’m unwilling to live by anymore” “let me see if I can respond with more love and compassion here” At some point, I chose to believe that I am worthy enough to stop abusing myself, I wanted to know love and I was and am still willing to meet my darkest thoughts with lots of love link back to why we meditate —> live mindfully, it’s how we strengthen our mindfulness muscle challenge – give it a try, if you notice an old limiting story – see if you can respond differently – give yourself that chance – these little actions add up III. CTA – Outro Email list – www.mindfulmastery.org/email-list/