Needy No More

In this episode, I sit down with relationship and anxiety therapist Valerie Rubin for an illuminating conversation about why so many of us with anxious attachment feel drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. We dig into the early wounds and nervous system imprints that shape our adult attraction patterns, how self-abandonment becomes a survival strategy, and what it really takes to break the cycle of choosing inconsistency over security. Valerie brings both clinical depth and grounded warmth to this discussion, offering practical tools and compassionate insight for anyone ready to rewrite their relational blueprint and move toward partners who can truly show up.We dive deep on:Why We’re Drawn to Emotional Unavailability: unpacking how childhood wounds, early attachment patterns, and nervous system wiring make inconsistency feel like chemistry.Breaking Attraction Cycles: exploring how familiar emotional chaos can hijack your sense of safety and how to interrupt the urge to chase partners who can’t truly show up.The Roots of Anxious Attachment: understanding the pre-verbal imprints that shape self-worth, relational expectations, and what your body reads as “secure.”Self-Abandonment and Emotional Needs: identifying the subtle ways anxious attachers silence themselves, shrink their needs, or over-function to maintain connection.Rewriting Your Internal Blueprint: learning how self-trust, emotional honesty, and nervous system regulation help you choose stability over unpredictability.Co-Regulation as a Path to Healing: exploring how safe people, therapists, and grounded partners can help your system recalibrate and experience true emotional availability.Feeling Safe in Your Own Body: using somatic awareness and regulation tools to differentiate between real red flags and the discomfort of healthy intimacy.Normalizing Uncertainty in Early Dating: recognizing that doubt, activation, and hypervigilance are common for anxious attachers — and learning how to navigate them skillfully.Embracing Secure Connection: replacing old attraction patterns with partners who offer consistency, emotional presence, and genuine availability.Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachmentTo connect with Valerie Rubin, follow her @healwithval on Instagram. Be sure to listen to our previous episode on Valerie's Anxiety Recovery podcast here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2tcOwfBj1RqJwQdun0A3ya?si=2bD3tBrvQkK_DWBX4SjdEw%E2%81%A0And check out her masterclass, How to break your attraction to emotionally unavailable partners: stan.store/healwithval/p/get-my-templateebookcourse-now-ora8z2guKeywords: anxious attachment, emotional unavailability, relationship healing, self-worth, communication skills, nervous system, vulnerability, co-regulation, emotional safety, inner child healing

In honor of the release of her new book Safe, I sit down with licensed therapist and author of Anxiously Attached, Jessica Baum, for a powerful conversation about what it truly means to heal anxious attachment. We explore how safety shapes every aspect of our relationships, how old abandonment wounds resurface in adulthood, and why somatic awareness and co-regulation are at the heart of real transformation. Jessica brings both clinical expertise and deep compassion to this discussion, offering grounded insights and practical tools for anyone ready to move from anxious to secure attachment.In the episode, we dive deep on:What It Really Takes to Heal Anxious Attachment: why understanding your style isn’t enough without cultivating felt safety and nervous system regulation.Safety as the Foundation of Secure Relationships: exploring how safety fluctuates moment to moment and how to recognize when you’re in protection vs. connection.Healing Abandonment Wounds: unpacking the deep emotional imprints of abandonment and how they influence adult intimacy.The Power of Co-Regulation: how safe, attuned relationships act as emotional anchors that retrain your nervous system.Somatic Awareness and Emotional Processing: integrating body-based practices to recognize, release, and move through emotional triggers.Compassion as a Healing Catalyst: learning to soften self-judgment and extend understanding toward both yourself and others.Evolving Toward Secure Attachment: embracing healing as a lifelong, relational journey that thrives on emotional diversification and consistent support.Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachmentTo connect with Jessica Baum, follow her @jessicabaumlmhc on Instagram and get the freebies Jessica mentions in the episode at https://jessicabaumlmhc.com/interviewGet your copy of Safe: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building More Secure Relationships at https://amzn.to/4npO7RJKeywords: anxious attachment, anxious attachment style, healing, relationships, safety, co-regulation, abandonment wounds, somatics, compassion, emotional support, inner child

If setting boundaries makes you anxious, guilty, or afraid they’ll walk away—you’re exactly who this episode was made for.In this powerful solo episode, I unpack the complicated relationship anxious attachers have with boundaries—and why setting them can feel so triggering. We explore the real reasons guilt shows up, the role of nervous system dysregulation, and why some boundaries feel more like walls (and what to do about it). You’ll learn: The difference between a boundary and a request—and why it mattersWhy boundaries don’t have to be dramatic or confrontationalHow nervous system regulation plays a role in boundary success Common myths that keep anxious attachers stuck in self-abandonment Scripts and mindset shifts for setting (and keeping) boundaries without guilt Why boundaries with yourself are just as important Plus, I share some of my favorite quotes about boundary-setting and walk you through how to identify where in your life a boundary might be overdue. Boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about connection—starting with the one you have with yourself.Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment: Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.com Grab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needy Explore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkit Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coaching Follow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachmentKeywords: anxious attachment, boundaries, requests, guilt, nervous system, self-care, emotional well-being, communication, personal growth, relationship advice

In honor of Pride Month, I’m sitting down with therapist and author Tom Bruett to unpack how gay relationships differ from straight ones—and why so many of us in the LGBTQ+ community struggle with intimacy, identity, and emotional safety in dating. Whether you're queer or an ally, this conversation is packed with insights that go far beyond sexuality—because at the end of the day, we’re all trying to love and be loved in healthier, more secure ways.We dive deep into the complex, often misunderstood dynamics that shape gay relationships, including:Internalized homophobia and the self-hatred that can block connectionThe impact of trauma, especially when you’ve had to hide parts of yourself just to feel safeThe myth of the “relationship escalator” and how queer folks are rewriting the rulesWhy so many gay men feel alone and how attachment wounds shape that experienceHow dating apps and scarcity mindset reinforce the belief that love isn’t possibleThe importance of differentiation—holding onto yourself and your partner at the same timeIf you’re a gay man, this episode will help you feel seen, supported, and hopefully a little more hopeful. And if you’re a straight listener—especially if you're in a relationship or doing personal growth work—I promise you’ll walk away with a better understanding of how identity, attachment, and emotional safety shape all relationships. So many of the struggles we discuss are universal—just experienced through a different lens.Tom also shares tools and insights from his incredible book The Go-To Relationship Guide for Gay Men, and we talk about how to expand your dating mindset, build emotional resilience, and create space for joy—even if you’ve been burned before or doubt that real connection is possible.Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment To connect with Tom Bruett, follow him @queerrelationshipinstitute on Instagram visit his website at https://www.queerrelationshipinstitute.com/Keywords: Pride Month, queer relationships, LGBTQ+, mental health, internalized homophobia, dating challenges, second queer adolescence, differentiation, attachment styles, gay relationships, self-compassion, dating advice, emotional health, relationship dynamics, gay men

Is your relationship stuck in the anxious-avoidant "trap" or a cycle of pushing and pulling, ups and downs? In this powerful episode, I sit down with relationship writer Rikki Cloos (@anxiousheartsguide on Instagram and TikTok) to talk about why anxious-avoidant relationships feel so hard—and how to make the dynamic more secure. Here's what we discuss:🔁 How Rikki broke up with her now-husband eight times early on in their relationship—and what finally helped them break the anxious-avoidant cycle🧠 Why avoidant partners aren't “bad” or emotionally broken—and how anxious partners can unintentionally push them further away🔍 The surprising ways anxious behavior can create avoidant responses in otherwise secure people💬 How to stop blaming avoidant attachers and start reflecting on your own role in the anxious-avoidant dynamic💖 What self-compassion actually looks like—and how changing your inner dialogue can transform every relationship in your life, by starting with the one you have with yourself🔧 The art of healthy conflict resolution—why it’s essential for growth and how to make conflict feel connecting instead of catastrophic📈 Why doing the work on yourself (even solo) can shift the entire energy of your relationships, whether platonic or romantic🛠️ Practical tools, real-life scripts, and tangible phrases you can use in moments of conflict or disconnection🌱 How secure relationships aren’t found—they’re built through emotional maturity, communication, and mutual effortHealing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment To connect with Rikki Cloos, visit her website at http://anxiousheartsguide.com/.Keywords: anxious attachment, relationship dynamics, attachment theory, self-awareness, self-compassion, conflict resolution, healing relationships, secure attachment, personal growth, attachment styles, compassion, relationships, healing, communication, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, personal growth, vulnerability

In this week's episode of the Needy No More podcast, I dive deep into the final two steps of the cycle of anxious attachment, stress and addiction, answering the following questions:What is stress and how does it relate to addiction?What is love addiction?How does stress factor into the experience of anxious attachment?How does stress relate to safety and why is that important?What is cortisol and what are some ways you can reduce your cortisol levels and lower stress?How does cortisol relate to adrenaline?How can you interrupt the cycle of addiction?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment Keywords: anxious attachment, healing, addiction, stress relief, love addiction, cortisol, emotional health, self-awareness, support system, mental health

In this episode of the Needy No More podcast, I interview my very first guest, Jessica Da Silva.Jessica Da Silva is a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and Attachment Coach who empowers individuals to free themselves from attachment patterns that sabotage their relationships by teaching them actionable skills to relate to themselves and others more authentically and effectively. Not only does she talk the talk, but she also devotes her online platforms to sharing her personal journey in becoming securely attached and making these topics more relatable and encouraging. Jessica also hosts the Let's Talk Attachments Podcast.In this conversation, Jessica and I discuss:Why she decided to specialize in attachment science in her work as a therapist and coachHow she's struggled with a disorganized/fearful-avoidant/anxious-avoidant attachment styleHow she's repeated and then repaired codependent and other unhealthy relationship patterns in her lifeWhen she knew her relationship with her ex of nearly seven years was over—and how she worked up the courage to listen to her intuition and leaveWhat her grieving process has been like and how she's rediscovered herself again in the wake of that relationship endingWhat it looks like to grow more secure from an attachment standpoint, as well as the importance of listening to and trusting yourself on that journeyHealing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingGet my breakup guide for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/breakupFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment To get in touch with Jessica, visit her website at https://www.jessicadasilvacoaching.com/ and follow her on Instagram @thejessicadasilva and TikTok @jessicadasilvacoaching.Keywords: anxious attachment, secure attachment, relationship coaching, emotional healing, attachment styles, mental health, self-compassion, personal growth, relationship dynamics, therapy

In this week's episode, we unpack everything pertaining to nervous system dysregulation, including:What is nervous system dysregulation? How is it connected to being triggered?What are the causes of nervous system dysregulation in the past and present?How has nervous system dysregulation shown up in my own life?How is nervous system dysregulation connected to anxious attachment?What can I do to regulate my nervous system?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment Keywords: anxious attachment, nervous system regulation, trauma, emotional healing, dysregulation, self-care, mental health, emotional intelligence, healing journey, coping strategies

In this episode of the Needy No More podcast, I answer the top five most common questions I get from folks when it comes to the anxious attachment style:Where does the anxious attachment style come from?Why do I feel this way?How can I "fix" it?Will I always feel this way?How long does it take to heal?From there, I answer 25 questions from my audience, which are as follows:Currently enmeshed and I can’t end it. I have self-abandoned and know it’s irrational. What do I do?Can I heal and still be enmeshed?I trust my partner but not his ex. How to deal?Is it common for an anxious attacher to push their partner away when being pursued for sexual intimacy if needs are not met? If so what can be done to prevent/change this?How do you heal after breaking up with an extremely avoidant partner? Feels like my all time high anxiety levels were hit.Started a relationship after divorce with great communication, over a year into it and seeing so many avoidant tendencies with them. Is my anxious attachment contributing to this? I have done lots of work, now feels like I’m heading backwards fast.What are some healthy ways to navigate the fear of abandonment without seeking external reassurance?How can I tell the difference between a valid relationship concern and my attachment anxiety?How do I balance being emotionally available while maintaining my own boundaries?What strategies can help me break the habit of overthinking or assuming the worst?How can I create more emotional security within myself so that I don’t rely so heavily on my partner’s responses?How can I practice healthy detachment without feeling like I’m abandoning my partner or giving up on love?How do I know if I’m engaging in protest behavior or simply standing up for myself?How do I handle moments when I feel the urge to reach out for reassurance but know it’s coming from anxiety rather than genuine need?How can I set realistic expectations for myself while I’m healing?How do I stay present in my relationship without letting my fears dictate my actions?How can I approach my partner’s avoidant tendencies without triggering my own anxiousness? How do I balance patience with my partner’s healing journey while still honoring my own needs?What are some signs that I’m making progress in my attachment?What are some tips on how to heal the abandonment wound and how to manage when you feel such a horrible loss from relationships that don’t meet your needs?How do you slow pace a relationship and at the same time feel comfortable moving slow?How do you find peace with being alone?How to heal the abandonment wounds so that if or when you get into a relationship with a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant, you don't freak out when they pull away? How to be secure in yourself and alone time. To not want or need them so badly ??Is anxious - avoidant a really bad combo? I keep attracting and being attracted to emotionally unavailable people. How do you break this cycle? I would really love to know a way to set some boundaries for myself so I don’t get hurt this much again in the future.When is a relationship over or bad enough to leave?Here are some resources I mention in today's episode as well as other places to get further support on your healing journey:Read my blog, 9 Signs You're Healing Your Anxious Attachment Style, at crackliffe.com/signsGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment Keywords: anxious attachment, emotional availability, codependency, emotional security, healthy detachment, avoidant attachment, abandonment wounds, emotional unavailability, relationship advice

In the fourth episode of the Needy No More podcast, we unpack everything related to a fear of abandonment, including: What is abandonment? How do we define it? What about a fear of abandonment?What are various types of abandonment? How has it shown up in my own life?What is the worst form of abandonment you can experience?How does abandonment relate to the other steps in the cycle of anxious attachment?How can a fear of abandonment become a self-fulfilling prophecy?What can you do to heal your abandonment fears and wounds?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens of free blogs on how to heal the anxious attachment style on my website, crackliffe.comGrab a copy of my new book, Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment, at crackliffe.com/needyExplore my downloadable healing toolkit for anxious attachers at crackliffe.com/starterkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation at crackliffe.com/coachingListen to my free inner child visualization at crackliffe.com/innerchildFollow @crackliffe on Instagram and TikTok for tons more content on all things healing anxious attachment Keywords: abandonment, anxious attachment, self-abandonment, healing, childhood trauma, relationships, emotional wounds, personal growth, attachment styles, mental health

In the third episode of the Needy No More podcast, I cover the following: What is codependency? How does codependency relate to anxious attachment? How is codependency similar to and different from addiction? What are some early warning signs that you might be slipping into a codependent dynamic? How can you address and interrupt your codependent tendencies?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment: ⁠Read dozens free blogs on healing the anxious attachment style here⁠ ⁠Read my new book:Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment⁠ ⁠Explore my anxious attachment style healing toolkit⁠ ⁠Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation here⁠ Keywords: codependency, anxious attachment, self abandonment, enmeshment, addiction, healing, relationships, emotional health, personal growth, self-care

In the second episode of the Needy No More podcast, I cover the following: How is trauma defined? What are some different frameworks for understanding the nature of trauma? How does trauma relate to the experience of anxious attachment? What are some avenues to explore when it comes to healing trauma? How can forgiveness help and how can I practice it?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment: ⁠Read dozens free blogs on healing the anxious attachment style here⁠ ⁠Read my new book:Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure Attachment⁠ ⁠Explore my anxious attachment style healing toolkit⁠ ⁠Learn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation here⁠ Keywords: anxious attachment, trauma, healing, Big T trauma, Little T trauma, emotional diversification, safe relationships, reparenting, forgiveness, inner child work

In this inaugural episode of the Needy No More podcast, I cover the following:Who is this Chris Rackliffe guy, and why did I get into being a coach for people with an anxious attachment style?Why did I name the podcast Needy No More?Why you should never, ever call anyone needy—most of all yourself!What is attachment theory and what are the four attachment styles?What is the cycle of anxious attachment and how do you break it and heal from it?What will I address in the coming episodes of the podcast?Healing resources for anyone struggling with anxious attachment:Read dozens free blogs on healing the anxious attachment style hereRead my new book:Needy No More: The Journey From Anxious to Secure AttachmentExplore my anxious attachment style healing toolkitLearn more about the Needy No More coaching program and set up a free consultation hereCheck out my Instagram for lots more healing contentPeruse my TikTok for hundreds of videos on the anxious attachment style