Sailor's Disgrace: Surviving Military Sexual Assault and Navigating the Aftermath

“So shines a good deed in a weary world.” William Shakespeare It’s been a while since I’ve made an episode, but I want you know that I have been hard at work.  Safe Waters is taking off in a positive direction and I have reached new milestones in my healing journey.  Through deep meditation and breath work, I have been able to tap into a deeper sense of self and am finding my path in life.    While the journey of healing continues, I now walk more confidently and assuredly than ever before.  It is a beautiful place to be, and I am grateful for all the love, kindness, and support I have received along the way.  Please leave comments or questions if you feel so inclined.  I would love to hear your feedback!Thanks for listening, and take care of yourselves.Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotifyhttps://linktr.ee/sailors_disgraceNote: The episode title picture is of me as a baby - I have recently found how to love that version of me and wanted to share with all of you.

“Strength in Healing” Safe Waters Motto Humble, grateful, and proud - that is how I am feeling right now.  I am proud to announce that we have officially formed our non-profit, Safe Waters.  Currently, we have four members on the Board of Directors.  If you follow the podcast and group then you are already familiar with Joanne Cloud and Meghan Klement.  Our new friend, Emily Hand, is the President of Safe Waters and comes to us from Wisconsin.   Please listen to the interview to get a run down of who we are, what our goals are, and how you can help! I think our mission statement sums up what our goals are pretty well: “Safe Waters is dedicated to providing a safe, supportive, and empowering space for Coast Guard members who have experienced sexual assault and harassment within the Service. Our mission is to foster healing, promote resilience, bolster prevention, and create a community where survivors are empowered to share their experiences and find solidarity.” More information will come in the following weeks.  Our website is launching soon as well as our helpline.  We are also setting up methods to receive donations so you can help as well. Thanks for listening, and take care of yourselves. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify [https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace]

***Trigger Warning - This Episode Contains Content That is Graphic in Nature*** Welcome back to our first storyteller interview. Astrid Parks is a survivor of Military Sexual Assault which occurred while on active duty with the Coast Guard. Her story is an important lesson in how to identify the signs of grooming. I’m grateful that Astrid reached out to our group and proud that she is taking the steps she needs to heal. Everyone’s journey is different and we can all learn something by sharing our stories. Thank you so much for sharing, Astrid. We are not alone! Thanks for listening, and take care of yourselves. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace #sexualassault #metoo #sexualabuse #survivor #rapeculture #rape #sexualviolence #consent #abuse #believesurvivors #metoomovement #rapevictim #sexualharassment #rapesurvivor #nomeansno #awareness #mentalhealth #endrapeculture #sexualassaultawareness #supportsurvivors #ptsd #trauma #rapeawareness #survivors #timesup #coastguard

"God, it was good to let go, let the tight mask fall off, and the bewildered, chaotic fragments pour out. It was the purge, the catharsis." Sylvia Plath I had the great honor of speaking at the Senior Executive Accountability Transparency Review Implementation Summit at Coast Guard Head Quarters a few weeks ago.  In short, I was able to share my full story and thoughts on Coast Guard culture to all the flag officers (Commandant included), Gold Badge Master Chiefs, and senior civilian personnel.  It was a truly humbling experience and I am in awe at how the universe puts us on the path we are intended to walk. While I am hopeful that we are on the right track as a service, we are going to experience much pain and growth to get to where we need to be.  Congressional investigations are still pending as outlined in this article I mentioned during the episode:  https://www.cnn.com/2024/02/16/politics/coast-guard-sexual-assault-senate-records-invs/index.html Please let me know what you think - is the Coast Guard and military in general heading in the right direction?  What else can be done to shift our culture? Thanks for listening, and take care of yourselves. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

Episode 3: Accountability and Transparency Review (ATR) Report   “It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.” Josiah Stamp  Episode three is a deep dive into the ATR report that came out earlier this week.  There are more questions than answers at this point with my main concern being the lack of real accountability for the people behind the Fouled Anchor report and its subsequent cover up.   In personal news, I am working directly with the ATR team.  They are a dedicated team of professionals and are interested in using my story for Coast Guard wide training.  I am humbled and a little blown away by all the attention this is getting.  The fact that I started this podcast earlier this year just before the Fouled Anchor report was released and how it has all intertwined is beyond me.  Life is truly incredible.   Also, one of the first action items on the ATR agenda is to host an executive summary in Washington, D.C. this coming February with Admirals, Gold Badge Master Chiefs, and SESs.  The ATR team wants me to speak at this summit so the attendees get a full account from a survivor.  I am honored to be invited to such a high profile event and won’t squander this opportunity to gain some insight on where we are headed as a service.   Thanks for listening, and take care of yourselves. Links to the full ATR review and associated documents: https://www.uscg.mil/alwaysready/ Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9... ⁠https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace⁠

“Men are not punished for their sins but by them.” Kin Hubbard Season 2 continues with a discussion on some of the news surrounding Fouled Anchor.  There are a few examples of former high ranking officials falling from grace, but is that enough?  Also, the current Commandant, Admiral Fagan, has ordered a full review of the Coast Guard’s sexual assault and harassment program with a 90 day Accountability Transparency Review.  I submitted a response a few weeks ago and will have a phone interview with Headquarters next week.  I will follow up in a future episode and let everyone know how it goes. As mentioned in this episode, below are links to the relevant news stories: Admiral Ray Steps Down from Loy Institute: https://www.military.com/daily-news/2023/08/19/coast-guard-academy-official-linked-sexual-misconduct-coverup-resigns.html Captain Sulmasy Resigns as Head of Nichols College: https://www.cnn.com/2023/09/21/us/glenn-sulmasy-coast-guard-investigation-invs/index.html Admiral Fagan Orders Top Down Review of SAPR Program: https://www.military.com/daily-news/2023/07/19/coast-guard-orders-top-down-review-after-failure-respond-sexual-assault-reports-academy.html Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ  ⁠https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace⁠

"Shameful deeds are taught by shameful deeds." Sophocles Welcome to season two! Join me as I dive in to the recent Fouled Anchor investigation report. Nearly two decades of negligence and poor leadership at the Coast Guard Academy are brought to light in a CNN report and it is not pretty. I analyze each section of the report and share my insight as to why this report was buried by senior Coast Guard officials for nearly three years. Please provide your feedback on this episode. What are your thoughts on Fouled Anchor? Send a message here or interact with our Facebook Group. Click here for a full copy of the report: https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/23873916-operation-fouled-anchor-report Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

Welcome back to the podcast! Season 2 is underway and I am excited to post new content very soon. I have some interviews lined up which I am really looking forward to sharing with you all. Also, there has been a lot of developments regarding Fouled Anchor and the impact it has made on the Coast Guard. We will dig deep on this story and discuss the ramifications it has had on the service as a whole. Furthermore, I am looking for ideas, content, and voices! Anyone that would like to contribute to the podcast, please let me know! The community is growing and the support has been nothing short of amazing. Thank you to everyone that stuck it through the first season. The support of friends, family, shipmates, and strangers has been truly humbling and I am grateful beyond words for all of you. Take care of yourselves and standby for more content in the very near future! https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

“Self trust is the first secret of success.” Ralph Waldo Emerson This is the final episode of season 1.  In this episode I discuss the process I took to heal both mentally and physically from my trauma and cancer.  Having the strength to put the past in its proper place was crucial in order to move forward. Years of therapy and self care got me to where I am today.  It is a long and arduous road to recover from trauma, but there is hope.    Thank you all for listening and for supporting the group.  I am truly grateful for all of you.   Season 2 is just around the corner.  The podcast will discuss current events, resources, and case studies.  I hope to make this a communal effort.  Please send any ideas or thoughts my way.  Take care of yourselves. Here are links to the story and references I mention in this episode: Jon Vaughn’s Interview: https://www.npr.org/2022/01/20/1074500416/survivor-jon-vaughn-on-u-of-michigans-sexual-assault-settlement The Complex PTSD Workbook - Dr. Arielle Schwartz https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=598610926239&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9012213&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=11078561632754023506&hvtargid=kwd-300974276044&hydadcr=15521_13558544&keywords=complex+ptsd+workbook&qid=1687011288&sr=8-1 The Courage to Heal Workbook - Laura Davis https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Heal-Workbook-Survivors-Sexual/dp/0060964375/ref=sr_1_1?hvadid=580743752819&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9012213&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=3957378461617194060&hvtargid=kwd-345886025&hydadcr=15528_13517414&keywords=the+courage+to+heal+workbook&qid=1687011309&sr=8-1 Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram.  https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

“One of the biggest defects in life, is the inability to ask for help.” Robert Kiyosaki  Finally accepting that the Coast Guard investigation was at an end and that the perpetrators would not be held accountable, I was able to slowly start the healing process.  Therapy began to marginally improve my situation.  The daily struggle to survive became less excruciating and I felt that I was ready for group therapy.  Sharing my story for the first time in a semi-public forum was a breakthrough in my healing process.   Just when things were starting to get better, another major setback occurred when I was diagnosed with cancer.  With the help of a fantastic medical team, I was able to identify that my cancer started forming around the time of my initial breakdown in late 2016.  Realizing the impacts stress can have on our physical bodies is profound, and I spent most of 2018 fighting for my physical and emotional well-being. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram.  https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

"I am terrified of this dark thing that sleeps in me, all day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity." Sylvia Plath - Ariel Shortly after making my unrestricted report, the CGIS investigation began. I was at my lowest point in my life and was scared of every shadow, every thought that entered my mind. The only thing keeping me from harming myself was my 4 year old son. Not only was I dealing with the trauma of my sexual assault, but familial trauma was also resurfacing from nearly 30 years before. The connections were being made as to why I behaved and responded to trauma the way that I did. I was trained at a young age not to speak out and confront wrong doing. Silence and suppression were natural for me. Meanwhile, the investigation hit major road blocks and I was asked to confront the Coast Guard perpetrator over a recorded phone call. Things did not turn out well and the feelings of shame and guilt were devastating. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

Our second interview (and first video recorded interview - posted on Youtube) is with Mr. Bradley Angle.  Bradley is a former Coastie, a fellow shipmate from the CHASE, and my best friend of 20 years.  His insight and compassion for his fellow service members and their rights drive the conversation to places we weren’t expecting.  Enjoy the interview and please let me know if you have a question for either of us. Also, Bradley wrote an excellent book which outlines the culture onboard the CHASE at the time.  Please see the link below for a copy of his book as well as the books and articles we mentioned in the interview. Follow the Link Tree here to catch the podcast on your preferred platform as well as the Youtube video. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace Shipmates: Before the Mast: A Coastie's Chronicle of the Dishonorable - Bradley Angle https://www.amazon.com/Shipmates-Before-Coasties-Chronicle-Dishonorable/dp/0578489899/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1BQ5Z8F12OWHX&keywords=shipmates+bradley+angle&qid=1686506245&s=books&sprefix=shipmates+bradley+angl%2Cstripbooks%2C96&sr=1-1 Sailors and Sexual Identity: Crossing the Line Between “Straight” and “Gay” in the U.S. Navy - Steven Zeeland https://www.amazon.com/Sailors-Identity-Haworth-Lesbian-Studies/dp/156023850X The Study of a Secret Society: Resistance to Open Discussion of Suicide in the United States Coast Guard - Stephanie Steinmetz https://www.amazon.com/Study-Secret-Society-Resistance-Discussion/dp/1612337511/ref=sr_1_1?crid=70WXJLOVQX1D&keywords=study+of+secret+society+coast+guard&qid=1686506075&s=books&sprefix=study+of+secret+society+coast+guar%2Cstripbooks%2C116&sr=1-1 Abandoned Shipmate: The Destruction of Coast Guard Captain Ernie Blanchard - Ladson Mills III https://www.amazon.com/Abandoned-Shipmate-Destruction-Captain-Blanchard/dp/1476675457/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2JUP947SPO0YG&keywords=abandoned+shipmate&qid=1686506144&s=books&sprefix=abandoned+shipmate%2Cstripbooks%2C109&sr=1-1 Troubled Waters: The Legacy of USCG Hero BM3 Travis R. Obendorf ~ OBIE - Laurie Powell https://www.amazon.com/Troubled-Waters-Legacy-Travis-Obendorf/dp/0578821915/ref=sr_1_1?crid=K2B8BE45HX1K&keywords=troubled+waters+coast+guard&qid=1686506203&s=books&sprefix=troubled+waters+coast+guar%2Cstripbooks%2C98&sr=1-1 Alize Acevedo Story - https://www.navytimes.com/news/your-navy/2020/08/04/navy-corrects-record-on-its-erroneous-news-story-garnering-former-sailor-harassing-messages/ Bradley’s articles on Seaman Ethan Tucker - https://www.dirtysailorcompany.com/tag/ethan-tucker/

“Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right.” Robert Hunter/Jerry Garcia Episode 5 starts off right after I promoted to Chief Warrant Officer (CWO) in June of 2016. I was at a pivotal moment in my career and was headed to CWO Professional Development Course in New London, CT to assimilate into the fold as a newly minted CWO. Expecting little and demanding less, I traveled to New London from my new duty station in Houston to attend the 2 week course which I was sure would have little to no impact on my life. What transpired changed my entire reality in ways I couldn't possibly fathom. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

Welcome back to the podcast for our very first interview. Shannon Norenberg is the Sexual Assault Response Coordinator for the Coast Guard Academy in New London, CT. She is a true champion for sexual assault survivors and fights tirelessly for victim's rights in the military. In this interview we discuss the military's dark past with sexual assault, where we stand now, and a way forward. Please send suggestions or comments here or on our Facebook page. As always, thanks for listening and take care of yourselves. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there." Edwin Cole This episode delves right in to my life after the assault. For the next 12 years I was lost. I buried the trauma deep inside and truly believed that it never happened. I eventually got married, had a son, moved up in rank and position, and did very well in the Coast Guard. All of this was accomplished while suppressing any real emotional discovery with alcohol. I did anything other than deal with what transpired, even though I had a few uncomfortable opportunities to address the physical impacts it was having on my life. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

***Trigger warning - this episode contains a detailed account of traumatic events and explicit language*** "To experience real agony is something hard to write about, impossible to understand while it grips you; you're frightened out of your wits, can't sit still, move, or even go decently insane." Charles Bukowski The details surrounding my assault are an ether in my mind. I spent years trying to remember specific details (names, date, etc.) but suppressed so much for so long that what remains is a shell of a story with only key events and seemingly insignificant details remaining. As you will hear in this episode that suppression was necessary at the time for my survival. Sharing this story is not meant to traumatize the listener, rather it is told to educate and awaken each of us to the realities that existed in our service almost 20 years ago, and sadly, still do to this day. What we do with that knowledge is move forward. We listen to each other and learn what impacts our lives so that we can make it better. I hope that anybody listening can take this story and share it with their shipmates, friends, and loved ones to prevent similar atrocities in the future. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

***This episode contains explicit language*** “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” Max Ehrmann, Desiderata: A Poem for a Way of Life Episode two starts off with my introduction to the Coast Guard and, simultaneously, the harsh realities of military life.  As a 19 year old Seaman, I was young and impressionable.  My first 6 months in the Coast Guard were wild and chaotic.  Like many people in my situation I got in a little bit of trouble and was put on notice.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but this also made me a prime target for sexual assault. As I mentioned in this episode, below is a link to the story of my shipmate, Holim Lee: https://www.cbs8.com/amp/article/news/apologetic-family-says-accused-cop-killer-used-to-be-a-hero/509-2e194614-61a4-4d7c-8dae-6b07de16710c Stay tuned for more episodes and please add comments or suggestions to the Facebook group: https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and take care of yourselves.

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” Fred Rogers. In this episode I will discuss how and why I joined the Coast Guard. As a young man I was searching for purpose and value in my life. Becoming a part of the military promised to give me both, but reality was just around the corner. Future episodes will discuss my career, trauma, depression, recovery, and healing in an episodic format that should make it easier for the listener to digest and revisit. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ Thank you for listening and please leave comments and suggestions here or on the Facebook group and Instagram. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace

Military Sexual Assault (MSA) is a prevalent problem within all branches of the military.  Our soldiers, sailors, and airmen are at risk of sexual assault and harassment while defending our nation.  This podcast is a safe space for MSA survivors, military members, and others to share their stories, form a community, gather resources, and understand this devastating issue. Theme music by David Brown of Wayward Blues - check him out at https://www.waywardblues.com and on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/artist/0KgZ83CWsea30o358XU3S9?si=e8jb3BEJS2yvBirLqR8-PQ. https://linktr.ee/sailors_disgrace