The Otis Advisory

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore.  Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August?   Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl.  Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later.  And try not to wear your pajamas this time.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is the white winter itch we’ve been warned about.  Brought to you by a girl named Sidney, who just went on TV in her good jeans to roll around for thirty seconds in some dog hair on the floor.  Have mercy!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff had an enthusiasm gap building, and when they saw Ms. Crockett using her fingernail as a guacamole scoop they decided to narc on her.  So somebody’s about to be de-clawed and probably have their mouth washed out with soap. You know how a glass blower knows not to inhale!  Well Ms. Crockett, this is one of those times!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe left for him over in China.  But wait – did you know there’s a Mrs. Hunter.  Yes, he’s married,  Somewhere there’s got to be paper saying honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple of years, and you getting your own beach house. Take the bait!  That's the way we Otis, I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear podcast ~ Wash Hands

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is on board for anyone who’s lost their appetite for work.  “Chicks dig me because I burn tires,” said the Zohan.  And in a Mandami state-run grocery store, cotton candy is produce!  It's a miracle. He's like artificial sweetener, the more you read what’s in it, the less of it you want.  Somebody pump the breaks on this mess before New York boils over for good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trump to just fly all that stuff home and don’t be doing this again without asking the girls first.  Orange says, “talk to the tail ladies – the whiskers ain’t listening.”  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your next Bunker Buster?  First, get out of the way!  Call in sick.  Take some ME time.  Remember the Bunker Buster feeds everybody in the room all at once - no separate checks.  We know that OZZY is the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and he is selling his DNA for $4.50 a can.  Being liquified is big business! Just sayin'.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lock up, so do you really think he’s going to Alcatraz?  Hell no?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with the other kids so they can go to jail too. That’s America!  And if $3 Bill has graffiti skills, well that’s a plus!  And you thought untucked masculinity was the problem.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call?  You call a man!  Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall.  Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better.  Men are no longer impressed by things like Kamala's bunions, so quit asking.  And if a man brings a bag of Pork Rinds to your birthday party, don’t act surprised.  Just smile and say thank you.  Otis Investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge.  Not a good look!  Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done.  Hear what came next with Otis.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them?  Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala.  Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all.  But what's the difference?  Aren’t you tired of complaining yet?  I know I am.  Imagine how much more we could get done around here if everybody put down the dopey little signs and walking around out in the yard saving democracy.  Isn’t that getting old yet?  It’s so last year.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener.  Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel.  But know other stuff too like what a woman is.  Hell, men are experts in that.  They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff.  Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for that box of Christmas pajamas with the bunny feet and tail.  It comes down to one thing: “What would Roy Rogers do?” That’s how you know if you’re thinking right.  If Roy would do it – then you can do it.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

If you've been getting your powdered Margarita mix from China, I think I'd be making other arrangements. Orange man has changed all this so we don’t forget how to make our own essential fixins.  We shouldn't have to rely on China for medicine, memory foam and dead flashlights.  “But, Oh Uncle Otis, everything’s gone global now!”  Well not everything – mudpies is still a local thing - good clean fun that comes right out of the back yard for free.  Mud pies exist for one reason: to give you something to play with until mama gets home.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

If you’re even thinking about stuffing a T-bone down your shorts at the Walmart think again. Due to shrinkage (used to be called stealing but that was too real) they’re now keeping the steaks in little wire cages to keep your grubby mitts from stuffing Mr. Roast down your pants and heading for the parking lot.  If you’re keeping score, this all started with locking up the deodorant and toothpaste - now it’s on to the Veal of Fortune.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

It all makes sense when you think of Kamala as the dented can on the store shelf.  Poor little dented can, it’s sad that nobody wants it anymore being all smushed and caved in.  Pushed aside for the shiny new can, the one with the fresh AOC label, except that one’s about to be banned for all the fake coloring in it.  Of course, there is one color you don’t have to worry about.  Right, it’s Orange!  Nothing phony - Orange is different, and it won’t make you sick.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Kamala is about to open the doors to her new Think Tank!  “We’ll think about anything for a price,” giggled Kamala.  It’s like the self-licking ice cream cone of bad ideas, but there it is anyway.  Tanks Alot Kamala is mostly particle board and sounds like a cry for help that no one hears.  It even has its own flush handle built right into the tank for when things get messy.  Let’s check the ingredients: “May contain bull-corn.  Has no wow factor. Could cause white winter itch."  So what can you expect to find floating around over here?  Too soon to know, but in this race to the bottom, Kamala is definitely winning!    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example.  Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic.  It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up.  Oh here’s a birthday card from somebody named Boom Boom Willie.  Probably met down at the community pool.  Here's someone being notified about getting yard of the month.  It’s about time.  All they had to do was take down that Trump yard sign and look at that – yard of the month it is!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government.  But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all.  Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine!  Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking.  Then just sit back and let the cameras do all the work.  This shake down isn’t going to stop anytime soon.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish.  Never have been.  Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean.  The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything.  Meat doesn’t do that.  You can do better.  Look, a million flies can’t be wrong.  Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why?  Ask the medical examiner.  They know crawfish are like sticker burs.   You’re not dealing with a bag of frozen peas here. Crawfish are pre-historic, and you’re not. So look somewhere else for something to eat.  Hell, even Kamala won’t eat crawfish - she’ll wolf down a bag of pork rinds but won’t get down in the mud for a plate of these.  Good call but maybe don’t wear that crawfish costume in the parade next time, just saying. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands