The Otis Advisory

Otis gets a lot of prison mail. But when the weather’s nice, he likes to walk around the neighborhood to see what everybody else got in the mail. You can learn a lot about your neighbors by going through their mail. Take this nice lady for example.  Dear Ms. Jones, Oh look, it’s from the free clinic.  It was fun seeing you again this week - red and irritated - well that’s not going to clear up.  Oh here’s a birthday card from somebody named Boom Boom Willie.  Probably met down at the community pool.  Here's someone being notified about getting yard of the month.  It’s about time.  All they had to do was take down that Trump yard sign and look at that – yard of the month it is!   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Congressman-lady Jasmine Crockett really likes being the only botanical in government.  But don’t be fooled by all the flowery words. Jasmine knows nothing pays off faster than class clown when you need to get noticed, before that AOC gets it all.  Remember the circus business is nothing new for Jasmine!  Throw in a pair of hoop earrings and a couple of media stink bombs and you’ll get ‘em talking.  Then just sit back and let the cameras do all the work.  This shake down isn’t going to stop anytime soon.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody knows, crawfish are not fish.  Never have been.  Try putting crawfish in the microwave and you’ll see what I mean.  The stuff in there runs out all over the place, gets all over the floor and everything.  Meat doesn’t do that.  You can do better.  Look, a million flies can’t be wrong.  Even Greenland doesn’t allow crawfish, wonder why?  Ask the medical examiner.  They know crawfish are like sticker burs.   You’re not dealing with a bag of frozen peas here. Crawfish are pre-historic, and you’re not. So look somewhere else for something to eat.  Hell, even Kamala won’t eat crawfish - she’ll wolf down a bag of pork rinds but won’t get down in the mud for a plate of these.  Good call but maybe don’t wear that crawfish costume in the parade next time, just saying. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The only thing more dangerous than being Chuck Schumer right now is being Chuck Schumer driving a red Tesla.  That would be a bowel-curdling trigger event over at Camp TransAntifa, the Nottingham Forrest of the pumps and pearls fellas with an itch for firebombing.  I know it’s getting harder to score this stuff.  But Orange man doesn’t care. He’s sending Tesla firebombers to the pen for 20 big ones.  But don’t write him off yet, Chuck is like cat pee. You’ll never get the smell out.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Don’t be looking for a Mother’s Day card in Wisconsin. “Mother’s Day cards don’t say mother anymore,” said Governor Shagnasty.  In Wisconsin, Mother has been changed to “Incinerated Persons” – wait, is that right?   By the way, now that Orange man has declared English the official language of America, when someone tells you “no worries” – you can just say, “hey speak English!”  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The barnyard is buzzing this week over the high cost of eggs.  Somebody gave the chickens the flu, probably caught it at the gym like everybody else.  But what you really need to worry about is egg smuggling.  There coming across the border from everywhere,  Smuggling eggs can get messy. Stuffing a dozen or so down your shorts to cross “over easy” in El Paso works fine, until you sit down.  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

USA sent fifty million dollars in condoms to Gaza.  Found out later they decided to make condom bombs instead with all their free rubbers. Come on now, this is too easy.  Let’s say you’re the runt of the litter and someone gives you fifty million dollars’ worth of free rubbers.  You could go find a nice girl to share a bag of pork rinds with, or, make a condom bomb to blow up the One Hour Martinizing store up the street.  I know what I would do – and I’m not thinking dry cleaning.  D'Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

ORANGE SUNRISE  Thanks to the new Orange sunrise over Washington, a system-wide peristalsis has begun, moving the waste and waste by-products from the gut of government.  In its place, luxury, prosperity and of course endless boogie!  Can you dig it.  But as always, Donkey Darkness is on the rise working to stop common sense before it breaks out.  Better to maintain the rot for the next wave of pajama-wielding protesters daydreaming of the day they’ll get to throw their deadly avocado toast at police and the ICE man.   Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

TRUMP DANCE  It’s a dance.  It’s a movement.  No wait, it’s the Trump Shuffle, and all the kids are doing it.  How low can you go?  Just put your bottom on a swivel and leave your pronouns at the door!   The Trump Shuffle is ground zero in the land of a thousand dances.  But you won’t see it on The View.  Oh hell no. They’re still worried it’ll give you the Monkey Pox or something – you filthy pig!  Look, it’s OK to celebrate, but you better hurry.  The Trump Dance is a limited time offer.  The Crankiest among us always find a way to come back around, all triggered up for more state-sponsored misery at government expense.  So what can you do?  Well first, enjoy doing The Trump Shuffle whenever you’re feeling good.  Think of it like getting butt dialed from a Princess Phone - there’s just no downside.  When news stinks you’ll smell it first, right here with your Uncle Otis.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The Honor Snacks man finally went back around to check on his snack box after the Biden White House cleared out.  Naturally it came in light, again.  The little bedwetters had their grubby little mitts on the Captains Wafers but never left the fifty cents in the slot.  So much for Donkey people and the Honor Snacks idea.  One of them even stuck a note down the slot about how oppressed people shouldn’t have to pay and everyone else should be ashamed for asking.   You can learn a lot from a box of Honor Snacks. Remember, no one has called yet to claim responsibility for Hunter.  So there is that.  Otis brakes it down. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

In our special preview of the new Biden Library, we'll discover what you'll see once you’ve passed through the giant 2-story bottle of hand sanitizer built right into the entrance to this historic and bothered place.  Yes. the Biden Library is a living monument to the big cheese!  Visitors will see his actual beach chair, permanently indented with the presidential butt cheeks, where Joey spent 40% of his time as president.  That’s right next to the Statue of Lethargy where you get a close up look at what 10% can buy without working.  There’s even Hunter’s Chrystal Methodist Laptop, along with the actual letter from fifty-one intelligence officers declaring that the laptop is not really there at all.  There’s even an interactive wing where men learn how to get pregnant and become their own grandpa – very popular during the Biden term.  And don't miss the popular Wife Supremacy Exchange out in the garden - that’s extra.  Otis details it all.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

GreenlandOrange Man says it's time for us to go ahead and take Greenland’s stuff.  That’s right.  Everything they’ve got is about to be ours!  This is so simple.  Why didn’t anybody think of taking Greenland’s stuff before?  Whatever it is – just fork it over!  Look, we’ll pay ‘em back, for their stuff, and here's a great way we can start:  Let's put The Biden Library right there in Greenland!  It needs a home anyway and nobody else is asking.   Just imagine the tourist business.  Everybody will want to come home with one of those Girls of Greenland posters. You can sell ‘em right in the gift shop!  We’ll even build ‘em a waffle house. God knows they need one.  Probably could use a Giddy Up Glamor up there too…just sayin.  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Kamala has returned from happy hour to make more speeches at us.  She’s got some flowery new words to go into the non-sense blender - now set to liquify!  "I will ask you to remember the context in which you exist," says Kamala to the great unwashed!  How much more of this chin boogie can we take?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

There’s an Orange sunrise coming.  A new President means man business is back in style.  Men are even opening car doors again (that's how they get inside.)  Guys are even out changing flat tires whether they’re flat or not, just for a way to get dirty.  Something’s working. Lab grown meat is going away and pom poms on gym socks are coming back.  Stud Finders Family Rebuilding Centers are springing up everywhere.  Shrunken heads are going back on rear view mirrors and moms are ironing patches on jeans again. God Bless America is no longer hate speech.  And we’re finally back to just two genders, so you’ll just have to make do with whatever came with your shorts on day one - no fudging around.  In Orange America it’s OK to have Ladies Night again, but not free vodka for the homeless. You have to get your own.  Something for everybody under an Orange sunrise. But you won’t read about any of this in the Biden Library, mainly because there is no Biden Library.  So stop asking.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash hands

Many people ask me, “Uncle Otis, what’s happened to Tiny Tim after he and Giggles lost the election?”  Well, we do know the crying hasn’t stopped.  Poor Timmy can’t seem to keep his face out of a box of Kleenex every time he thinks about what could have been what it is, after it’s already been what it used to was!  That’s the unburdened mind trick Timmy learned from Giggles.  Now they’re both trying to forget by going to as many Young Thug shows as they could before that soul train pulls up to the county lock up.   Timmy even wants to write a book about how they hired the elderly like Oprah and Bruce to go out and vote for them. “Hey that was a billion well spent,” said Reverend Al, speaking ex-catheter (that one’s for the Catholics.)  Oh the larceny!  Timmy is about to wind up as TV spokesman for the depression meds.  A sweet deal since they supply the Kleenex!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

If you’ve been living on Wonder Bread and olive loaf for the last few years we’ve got good news.  You’re about to get an upgrade. There’s a big orange sunrise over the white house that will put new wheels on that grocery cart and save your butt from going boneless and skin-less.  So where has all the Bidenomics money been going? Well here’s one: Team Kamala went through a billion in Donkey money in just 3-months trying to get elected.  They even overshot that by twenty million, oops!  “Hell we spill that much,” said one operative just back from having her roots done.  You’ve been out on Lake Flacid long enough, so stand up straight and leave the apologizing to the numb and dumb.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Now excuse the mess but, teen-aged congressman type person Sandy Cortez (the name on the arrest warrant) is running for President!  She looked inside her official NPR tote bag and found a note signed by fifty-one Intelligence Officers saying, “Great idea honey, go ahead and bring your special brand of crazy to the White House!  And since Hunter got pardoned he can be Vice President"  Why not, Hunter knows all there is to know about Vice.  So the denutification of America (which will eliminate drive-through liquor barns) is back on the table.  Even circus people can find the skunk at this lawn party.  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The punishment phase following the presidential election has now started.  Donkey Ladies everywhere have announced the end of sex as we know it.  Men are now officially cut off as punishment for helping Orange Man win the White House.   Remember all this is happening just because Kamala didn’t win , even with the endorsement of DJ Toilet Brush.   Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Good morning America - look what you did!  You sent Donald Trump back to the White House for another go at the controls, this time with eyes wide open and a new FBI guy.  The citizens of America had a mostly peaceful protest and are now ready to swipe-left.  So Joey, Kamala and the rest of Gang Green start packing your stuff!   You’ll be exiting through the gift shop today and now paying retail like everybody else.  Enjoy!  As for young Hunter (“more coffee Warden?”) he’ll be on his way to the big house where he can help Kamala explain the significance of the passage of time.  Congratulations Mr. President - and the first lady is about to get a whole lot better looking!  Slower listeners keep right!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

When anyone says to you, “Let’s be Clear,” you’re hard-earned toxic masculinity tells you something different - that is, whatever is coming next is just bull crap.  It’s like showing up to the Halloween dance with a bone saw – it just sends the wrong message.  But this time around, Joe and Josephine lunch box are on to the “Let’s Be Clear” crowd for the same reason nobody’s going to pardon Hunter this trip.  And just like Hunter, “Let’s be Clear” has just stopped working altogether.  A cow with no legs is still ground beef.  Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The lady in the pantsuit really doesn’t dig these TV interviews. She has to be dragged and dropped into the chair just to get her to the studio.  But to be fair, unless they give you the questions in advance, how are you supposed to know what answers you need to make up?  Orange man doesn’t have that problem.  With diarrhea of the mouth, he’ll tell you what he’s thinking all the time, so there’s never any confusion.  But  comfortably numb and packed in her own juice, VP giggles knows what’s good for you and can’t wait for you to pay your fair share.  "I’ll just confiscate the guns and give them to the homeless," thought Kamala. Otis explains. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Many people ask me, “Uncle Otis, will TicTok blow up my pager if I vote orange?”  Well maybe, but think about it this way.  The fluffy stuff in between the feathers is called the down.  That’s what you want to be right there.  Be the down, not the feathers.  Because in the New America you don’t want to try too hard.  Soft and shapeless is best for your reputation.  Be open to anything – but don’t commit.  Be the greeniest weenie in the office, and do anything for free shipping – anything!  Remember there’s great significance to the passage of time - now go do your documentary.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

With the denutification of America, men have become subprime in today’s marketplace of ideas.  Men are simple organisms always having to work around Madonna, or somebody, trying to rescue them from thinking wrong and growing all that fur.  But nobody asks what men want?  There’s a lot of confusion about that.  “Men should be more like mozzarella cheese,” said Kamala, “soft, light and not attempt too much.”  The correct people worry that watching cat videos and shopping for edible electric cars may not be enough to control this brotherhood of the skull.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody knows a taco salad is just pretend.  Sure it might say salad on the sign, but you know what’s really going on. Taco salad is as phony as it gets. But what if a taco salad ran for President? “Hi, I’m Kamala, maybe you’ve heard about me on TV!” Every carefully constructed mouthful of these answers is perfectly sized for the little guy and well chewed before publishing.  But Joe and Josephine Lunchbox are way smarter than they think.  So, when someone you don’t know and haven’t personally washed hands you a mail-in-ballot, do the right thing and pass on the taco salad.   Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Luxury, prosperity and endless boogie – that’s what Orange Man has for you this election season.   Man of Orange says, “Elect me and you’ll have a job.  But not to be outdone, Kamala says, “Hold on there – why work?  Hell I’ll spot you a house if you are one of our 12 million new alien arrivals from down south.”  How does Orange compete with a free house?  The secret is in Kamala’s new simplified tax form for anybody left working.  Just 2 lines to fill out:  Line 1, how much did you make?  Line 2, send it in!   There’s your free house right there while HEAP PLENTY WAMPUM comes out of your account.  Are you getting notes of pear, apricot and warm leather yet?  No?  Something else then?  Bull corn maybe?  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Kamala was surprised to learn from the staff that she used to work at McDonalds. “Just go with it,” said one operative. “The great unwashed will love you more if you just giggle and say, “I’m the one that made the fried pies!  This is how we fool the wife of the people.  But why stop with the McDonald’s gag?  Tell ‘em about when you were a tight end for the Rams, or that intern thing at Beer Camp, or your summer with the Cajan Navy.  Any of it’s better than talking about trying to pay the rent, or the price of huevos, or how to spell Lynard Skynyrd, which nobody can do.  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands.

Kamala's new economic plan doesn't do a thing about paying $10 bucks for a cold Isis at the 7-11.  As the Queen of Woke reads her prepared list of bumper sticker lines to the paid crowd, you have to wonder, what it is really about Happy Talk that makes it fell like the shiny razorblade in your election day apple - the false positive there to fill in the holes in the argument.  Otis and the salty scholars of the Discount Think Tank  assess the damage.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Donkey Party people will tell you:  After a hard day of riding and roping, you and your therapy squirrel are going to want some joy up in here!  And even though Beyonce didn’t show up, they've still have more Hopey/Changy joy for you than anybody else down the dial!  So come get it.  If your spirit animal is an oyster, Donkey operatives are ready to pop the trunk in the mall parking lot and lay out all the joy you want.  Bring 10 mail in ballots with you and you’ll get some bonus joy.  But watch out, all that Joy can stick to you.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Paying is for losers!  Order anything you like from the Komrade Menu at Kamala's Corner and the check goes to the next guy in line, and from there to the guy behind him, and so on.  It’s a sweet deal.  If you've got the itch for a plate of Left Wings, just hand the check to the next guy and we'll keep this Komrade Chicken train rolling.  Low-hanging apples are better than the ones you have to climb for.  Think of it like the gooey cheese in the donkey mousetrap.  Come on in, have some more cheese, it’s all free.  Better hope your trap works fast as in cheese, then darkness. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Now that break dancing and skateboarding are Olympic sports, you have to wonder, what’s next?  There are reports that the next Olympic games will be even more inclusive with more woke favorites like Olympic Graffiti competition and saying LIKE the most times in a sentence. “It’s how we live today,” said one Olympic official just back from getting her roots done.  So then, why didn’t we get Roller Derby at the Olympics?  Skipped right over that.   If you remember Cannibal and the Headhunters, one of the great bands from the time before filtered water, you'll know their hit record, Land of a Thousand Dances that predicted all of this along with noting that a giant of a man would appear, permanently dressed in orange, who would lead the way out of the internet and back into the light.  It’s not Keyser Sose either.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

The retiring President’s co-morbidity, Kamala, has sent out her new Donkey code word of the day to all media sheep.  Directions on the side of the box say, "You are all directed to work in the word “weird” along with your regular complaints about the Orange Man."  It seems that Oppo the Research Loving Clown turned in an expensive report about how going with code word WEIRD would be a good way to not have to explain any of the other stuff, like the economy, crime and the open border.  Just say “They’re WEIRD” and get up and leave.  In a related story, Kamala once thought that “close the border” meant making it so we can’t get out!  Wait, you’ve got it backwards.  Lock ‘em in and raise taxes is not what close the border means!  It’s the other way around.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

China is not too happy with the Biden crime family right now.  Joey doesn’t carry the same punch as he had back when the Make China Great Again plan kicked off and Joey's cash started flowing.  "This was not the deal when we first hired you Joey," said China."  You’re not holding up your end of the bargain anymore.  What are we getting for our money from Biden Inc.?"  Next Wet Market outbreak is already on the calendar, and Joey won't be around to clean up the mess.  How will they sell all the heroin if Joey's not there to wave them in?  It’s pay back time and Joey’s coming in light!  In scientific terms that’s know as an Oh Crap Moment.  Joey is left with only three choices, but we can’t talk about one of them.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

All you really need is one good ear to do most of the important stuff.  You can have your other ear shot off in public and still get the big jobs done - like getting bad guys or closing the border or drilling for oil - you can do it all with just one good ear.  It’s OK - nobody’s paying attention to the one that’s not there.  Looked like a jumbo shrimp anyway!  Remember to use your Uncle Otis secret decoder ring to get all the hidden messages in this stupid bit.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Hunter likes to play parcheesi with he papa.  It relaxes them both before a big speech where everything’s on the line.  Joe looks at the Parcheesi board getting ready for his next move.  “Humm, this is harder than it looks,” thought Joey.  “Maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead and get ready for my sponge bath.”  Back when Joey’s “Hate America First Train” had just left Bankruptcy Station things were a lot more fun for the crime family.  Hunter’s laptop was still just a cheap fake, the Orange man was headed to trial for the nineth time and nobody had fallen up the stairs yet.  Then everything changed over at Lake Flaccid as Joey became shovel ready and Hunter turned into the skunk at the lawn party.  “Damn it Joey, I told you that no good son of yours was going to sink this whole deal,” said Jill.  Hear Podcast- Wash Hands

Kamala is a lot like a Named Storm.  When the outer bands of VP Giggles make landfall, everything gets tossed around and jumbled up beyond recognition.  When Kamala blows in you know things are about to go sideways and your power is going out.  You’re about to get flooded in word salad surgery, which usually makes the sewer back up!  What a mess.  All storms have a dirty side where most of the nasty business happens, but it’s hard to tell with Super Storm Giggles since every snoot full brings out another torrential downpour of non-stop hoot. It's emotional incontinence!  The Kamala squall line is already forming offshore and about to threaten the interior of the country.  Makes for an inviting environment for those aggravating little Sandy Cortez tornados to spawn in the warm waters around the White House.  So watch where you step since this pant load isn’t going anywhere until we get a Big Orange sunrise!  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands  

Maybe it's time to bring back Pom Poms on gym socks.  Those little fuzzy balls on the back of a girl’s socks told you she was fun, and probably drove a Charger.  What else do you need to know?  So where are the pom poms now?  Well they’re hard to find.  Gone the way of the buffalo.  That’s just not right!   With over 100 different genders now to pick from in the New America, Pom Poms on socks can be be for everybody – guys too. That's double the market!  Even the Army will buy them to show how waked up they are.  So two wrongs do make a right!  Who’s sorry now?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

When Hunter was little his mama used to take him to the store for the Husky-size jeans, since everything young Hunter could get his hands on went in his mouth. “You’re overwhelming your outfit again – we’ll have to go up another size,” said mama.  Little Hunter was in Husky Jeans all the way through high school until one day he discovered the weight loss benefits of speed.  That's when he traded in those Huskey jeans for a new bag man uniform and started to market he papa to the highest bidder. “This is so easy,” thought Hunter, “and mama doesn’t have to know!”  Then, one day Hunter lost his laptop, and everything changed. Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

No more Boy Scouts for you.  The campfire and whittling business is over. Time now to climb into a nice chiffon outfit and drive your edible electric car to the mall for some more Botox.  But Boy Scouts was fun while it lasted.  Passing around that can of shoestring potatoes with Worchester sauce was how boys learned to wipe their hands on their pants.  What are we supposed to do now?  With over a hundred different genders to pick from, what’s the point anymore!  It's another way to get boneless and skinless even faster in the New America.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

You’re a lot easier to control when you’re numb and dumb.  So enjoy some more morphine drip before sending 'Lil Whiskers out in the back yard to pick off another tank-full of watts from that electricity tree.  Yes, now you're powered by rainbows!   It's like when you're dead, you don't know you're dead.  Same thing happens when you're stupid.  So bring your arrest warrant to early voting and the little man will fill all that in for you.  Wait, is that the desert cart?    More Universal Foolishness from the Discount Think Tank.  Hear podcast ~ Wash hands.

The roving bands of marauding youth now rioting outside the window have a long list of DEMANDS for you - a shopping list of what they need delivered up to Angry Village.  Remember, these are special children who don’t eat olive loaf or burnt weenie sandwich.  Hell no!  You need to think vegeterrible and gluten free, you pig.  So get a move on, rioting is hard work.  Why do you think Mexico now has a “Remain in America” program – probably until they can stand to look at us again. The denutification of America – Extreme Makeover Edition.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Who would have thought that winding up in a pot of boiling water somewhere in New Guinea would turn into a campaign line eighty years later?  VOTE FOR JOE - CANNIBALS ATE HIS UNCLE!   It’s damn creative, I’ll give ‘em that. Just falls right off the bone.  You’ve even got a little primitive culture going on there to help satisfy the lunatic fringe at Columbia.  But Mono-Clonal just means 1 clown!  And this one’s about to roll back in and hand the keys over to Gang Green.  That’s when this cannibal thing really grows teeth.  Otis Explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Here at the Discount Think Tank we’re always on hot standby for the next big thing.  And in America that would be losing weight. It's all they can talk about at the Waffle House.  No exercise, just take the shot and get skinny.  It’s a sweet deal.  But have you heard about the move to Diet Shampoo!  Regular shampoo just adds calories, so if you switch to diet shampoo you could have more cheesecake!  It's so easy.  Stop overwhelming your outfit and buy up all the shares you can get for diet shampoo.  The Waffle House is never wrong.  It will be bigger than the plexiglass craze.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Their you are, coming back from somewhere you’re not supposed to be, when suddenly your Crown Vic slows to a crawl all by itself.   You got gas, what's going on?  Welcome to the New America Jerry Wayne, where the correct people can turn off your ride right there from Kamala’s desk!  Could be worse - you could be coming back from an Orange Man rally or just picking up a new crab net at Bass Pro Shop!  You’d be sitting there all night then to think about what a bad boy you’ve been, you filthy pig.Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands  

If the insult of turkey bacon wasn’t enough for you, say hello to AI for Pets.  Let’s say your pup is outside waiting for the snow cone truck when suddenly he gets a terrible itch.  He can’t let that itch to win and miss the snow cone truck (even though it does come back tomorrow) so AI for Pets kicks in to find where that itch is coming from and get to it quicker.  Way better than Memory Foam, A.I. for pets means a tail-wagging good time for little Bingo.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Now you can get the same IV drip the President gets before he has to talk.  It's called The Weasel, and it helps you yell out in short, sassy bursts for at least an hour if you need to impress the media.  And nobody has to know!  If The Weasel doesn’t kill you first, it’ll damn sure get you up on your hind legs and ready for your next tractor pull.   That little man in your ear telling you what to say still takes care of everything – so you’re good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Those cats at the Wuhan Lab are all excited about their new 100% lethal brew they've been cooking up for the west. “No more fooling around,” said the Veloso-raptor of the wet market, “Our newest Chinese virus is 100% deadly to humanized mice.”  That’s cute and all but how can you tell if your mice are humanized or not?  What exactly do you look for?  What gives it away?  Otis and the salty scholars at the Bait Camp/Think Tank want to know.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands

Thanks to a new government program, your spare bedroom can help welcome the rest of the world to your house, right here in the New America!  TicTok knows if you have a spare room and is ready to tell on you - it's so international.  Otis explains.    Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Everybody deserves a shot, even Blind Pilots. So what if they can’t see.  Overcoming diversity and stuff is way more important.   Enter Activist Airlines who quietly announced a brave new equity and inclusion program that is set to hand the keys to world’s first Blind Pilot.  The subject proudly earned his pilot's license after two years of theoretical aviation.  And of course the usual 1,500 hours of flight time was waived just to make it fair.   So keep an eye out for news of flight 2034 from Orlando to Saint Louis, the first vision-impaired flight over the US.  Once the black box is recovered from the site we will learn more.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

 Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t still sell tickets.  Say hello to AI Elvis, in case you missed it the first time while he was still warm.  Relive it all with AI Elvis - pretend entertainment from the time before filtered water when Poxy Lady was playing on the radio and ThighMaster was all over TV.  Think of it like a tour of Lake Flaccid, with nurses standing by in case you need to let the dough rise twice.  AI Elvis is just the first to pop out of God’s waiting room.  Who’ll be next?   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands

Sleepy Joey really likes being the Big Cheese, and now he wants you to make him big cheese again.  Four more years Joey, that’s a lot of cheese!  Remember, after Bernie you were just the other white meat.   When you’re the big cheese you can say whatever crazy stuff you want, like, “that border is closed, economy is good, crime is down” and no body yells at you because, well, you’re the big cheese!  But let’s say that cheese is orange, then everything is different!   Maybe orange cheese is just too strong!  It never goes flat or gets soft and gooey like the kind they put in the mouse trap to lure the wife of the people.  Orange cheese will act like a natural diuretic to flush out those shiny razor blades from your election day apple.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands