The Otis Advisory

Back in the time before filtered water, things weren't as convenient as they are now.  Like, did you know there wasn’t always a little trash can sitting by the door of the men’s room so when you’re leaving, you’d have somewhere to toss your wadded up wet paper towel.  Now this is just the men’s room we’re talking about.  Nobody knows what goes on in the lady’s room since nice people don’t ask about such things.  But we do know that over on the men’s side, you used to be left standing there at the half-opened door, holding a wet paper towel and wondering where to put it after you pull open that nasty door.  Only recently did somebody correct the problem by just moving the trashcan closer to the door.  Problem solved.  Gone was your little game of trying to shoot the basket across the room – a basket that was always just a little too far away to hit from where you were standing.  And like a pile of broken dreams, the missed shots were all over the floor waiting for somebody to come around later and take care of it.  So in the New America, we’ve figured out where to put the trash can. So what’s next?  Well, the kids can’t read or add; anybody got any ideas for that?  Tell them Beowulf is a rapper from Baltimore who hates everything and wants to blow up the country – that will pull ‘em in.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Let’s say you’re a victim of wife supremacy and you’ve just accidentally stumbled into a child infested area.  Suddenly, someone suggests that you change baby’s diaper. Well first you need to know that the correct people have new rules for you to follow.  That’s right, before you go floundering around in all that you’re gonna need to ask the little guy for permission first – just to be sure dry pants would be OK with him.  Goes like this: “Hey Lil Padna, I see you’ve got a preexisting condition down south.  I’m here to take care of that for you, but first we need to be sure your wet-pants rights aren’t violated.  I noticed you’re going commando today so, if it’s OK with you, and let’s just say it is, we’re gonna switch out of those underpants to some that haven’t been peed yet.  You’ll thank me later!” Just one of a whole snootful of big ideas waiting for you right here in the New America. Otis reports.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

HAPPY TALKThe holidays are a great time to remember some of the jacked-up ideas your mom would lay on you when you were growing up.  Stuff you were supposed to believe no matter how whacked it was.  Like this one: “Little Otis, you keep making that face and next time it’s gonna stick like that.  Yes Mamma!” Or this: “Don’t eat those cookies little Otis, they’ll make you pee the bed!” Then there were the ones you didn’t see coming, like “Someday, little Uncle Otis, you’ll have a socialist mayor in New York city, and that’ll come with a free bus ticket.”  Oh stars!  Who’s sorry now?  But then it happened. You know honey, there’s still time to move to Miami to start that mobile back scratching business - just sayin’.  Otis clears it all up.  Hear podcast ~ Wash hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Let’s say you’re in the Army and the husky-sized pants is all you can fit into.  Well, Mr. Huskey size, you may be looking for another line of work after the new war on chunky soldiers.  There's even an end to whiskers and beards - back to high and tight for army men, including the girls!  No more bearded 260 pounders trying to climb the rope over the little training pond.  You won’t be able to hide anymore by lining up behind Beefy Sue.  She doesn’t work here anymore either.  And if you’re determined to wear your new dress with the hoop earrings and pearls to your next battlefield event, think again cupcake.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There you sit, watching the world wake up from history.  So many great things to see, or so you’d think.  Well sorry pal, all you get this time is Jasmine Crockett, the cold sore on American politics.  Not where you thought evolution might be taking us, but there it is anyway.  Miss Jasmine, still proud to be the only botanical in congress, has no apparent mute button.  We’ve looked – it’s not there!  So after some initial complaining about her bunions, the unmuted congressman lady let loose with this new life-altering claim" “Committing crimes," said Jasmine, "doesn’t make you a criminal.”  Imagine the surprise of all the hard working criminals now feeling like they’ve been wasting their time - getting nowhere - no credit – nothing?  Jasmine, who started out with nothing and still has most of it left, always seems to come up third and long.  Do not resuscitate.  Thanks for riding with Otis today.  We have microphones and were not afraid to use them.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hope you didn’t throw away the box your Mr. Potato Head came in.  He’s going to be worth something once we wake up from this trash compactor we’ve been living in!  Remember how Mr. Potato Head had a little trap door in his behind where you’d keep all his parts. You could give him a pipe and a newspaper or even have him holding a little fan belt like he just came back from the auto parts store.  Then there was Mrs. Potato Head – she had a little handbag and a hat with a flower on it, and even a little mallet she used to pop Mr. Potato Head guy when he got out of line.  They were inseparable, even did some movies together.  But now, cancelled, as mom and pop Potato Head have had to become pan-sexual so the correct people could feel less guilty.  I sure hope it works because cancelling biology is hard. Takes big stones, or brass ovaries or something to be that impressed with yourself!  We’re beginning to see a quickening as we inch closer to the singularity – the morphing of all into one.  Think of it like E-Pluribus Backwards, a personal transformation from freedom into an odorless, colorless, comfortably numb and compliant, gender-neutral cell mass with a bad logo. That’s critical Otis Theory,  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ladies, if you’ve been thinking about having some extra padding implanted in your behind, I’ve got great news.  The makers of Spanx, with the street name Spanky Pants, now sell some special new drawers with the butt implants built right in. Maybe it’s just the Shitegeist of the times. The extra bulk you’ve been wanting on the south end now comes pre-stuffed and sewn right into the Spanky Pants package - ready to go to work to thicken up those pop tarts as soon as you slip ‘em over whatever you got going on back there now.  No need to walk around with a taillight out anymore Cupcake, just pack it on with Spanky Pants before heading up to the mall for your next show.  Hell you could get yard of the month with this. And you thought hammer time was just happy hour.  Welcome to Spanky Pants with benefits – it’s the new normal, built to fool the wife of the people. Think of it like a bounce house on wheels that goes everywhere you go.  And don’t worry about that rumble strip back there, it’s just there for ventilation. This your Uncle Otis, a false and dangerous narrative keeping fear live – that’ll be ten hail Mary’s.  Hear podcast - wash hands. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Must be hot wearing that wool sock hat in ninety degrees. We don’t see much of the Seattle look here at the bait camp, especially in August.  A sock hat in summer is cute and all but is WOKE really worth it to find purpose in an otherwise unremarkable life? There you are, hanging like a lose tooth, packing all your animal magnetism under a cozy wool knit hat before heading out to your Hate America First rally in beautiful downtown Baltimore.  Off you go then with your pronouns pinned to your shirt and reciting all one hundred different genders. You’re doing everything right: you never chew on pencils, you always take the bus, you sleep with green noise, go to the whole foods for the white noise, dress up funny for pink noise and wake each day to brown noise when the blowers go off at seven a.m. So what’s with the fashion forward sock hat in August?   Maybe try this: skip the riot next time and just go out with a girl.  Take her to roller derby or something. You’ll thank me later.  And try not to wear your pajamas this time.  Hear Podcast - Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

We didn't used to get worked up over a cute girl on TV in three-hundred-dollar jeans.  It just wasn’t a thing.  But now, itching for a leg up, the donkey people believe this time, in a TV spot, they’ve finally found the Nazi in your shorts. Oh stars!  A blond, blue eyed girl on TV – not queen size, just regular size.  “Not consistent with our values,” said the lunatic fringe.  The full body deodorant crowd is convinced that this is the white winter itch we’ve been warned about.  Brought to you by a girl named Sidney, who just went on TV in her good jeans to roll around for thirty seconds in some dog hair on the floor.  Have mercy!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Jasmine really likes riding in her Escalade.  “Either ride me in an Escalade or I’m staying home.”  The staff had their orders so Escalade it is, with the extra base boost for that Crown Royal authenticity!  “Now I need to go to lunch, and I don’t mean Cracker Barrell.” Yes Mama!  “I’ll go in somewhere civilized and pick out some bacon cheesecake. You stand outside the car like you’re waiting for somebody important.” But the staff had an enthusiasm gap building, and when they saw Ms. Crockett using her fingernail as a guacamole scoop they decided to narc on her.  So somebody’s about to be de-clawed and probably have their mouth washed out with soap. You know how a glass blower knows not to inhale!  Well Ms. Crockett, this is one of those times!  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Hunter started out with nothing and still has most of it left.  Like when he’d get in trouble for peeing in the pool at the Best Western. "Hunter you get out of there right now. Your daddy’s gonna wear you out when he gets back from Epstein's.  I'm telling him what you did in that pool.” Sometimes, what's left of his mind plays tricks on him.  Now Hunter thinks he wants to be president to finish raiding the little honey pot Joe left for him over in China.  But wait – did you know there’s a Mrs. Hunter.  Yes, he’s married,  Somewhere there’s got to be paper saying honey, you behave and stick this out for a couple of years, and you getting your own beach house. Take the bait!  That's the way we Otis, I’ll see you at the peace march.  Hear podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Say hello to Zohan the Conqueror, the latest fanboy of the lunatic fringe, now running for mayor of New York City.  It’s obvious, Zohan only has a beatnik-level view of what makes the world work, but he’s still planning to run this con on YOU and the coalition of the unhappy next election day. He’s the shiny new locomotive pulling the Hate America First Train into Bankruptcy Station.  Zohan the Conqueror (as his mamma calls him) is on board for anyone who’s lost their appetite for work.  “Chicks dig me because I burn tires,” said the Zohan.  And in a Mandami state-run grocery store, cotton candy is produce!  It's a miracle. He's like artificial sweetener, the more you read what’s in it, the less of it you want.  Somebody pump the breaks on this mess before New York boils over for good.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Any minute now a judge will try to make Trump go get back all the bunker busters he loaded on the plane to Iran, then bring them home and put them right back in the garage where he found ‘em. That’s because Orange man didn’t ask permission first.  He didn’t call Sandy Cortez or that really smart one, Ms. Crockett to see if it was OK!  Think of it like a Hollywood stop where you just slow roll on by in your B2.  Judge will tell Trump to just fly all that stuff home and don’t be doing this again without asking the girls first.  Orange says, “talk to the tail ladies – the whiskers ain’t listening.”  Otis explains.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There’s a prize waiting for anyone who can finish their Bunker Buster with Cheese and keep it down for 8 seconds - just like the rodeo.  The Bunker Buster comes tail up to go down easy at forty-five degrees. And when it hits bottom you'll know it, so have s quick exit planned if things get messy.  Wait, what’s that?  The Bunker Buster comes with an automatic second helping, built right in.  Now what can you do to get ready for your next Bunker Buster?  First, get out of the way!  Call in sick.  Take some ME time.  Remember the Bunker Buster feeds everybody in the room all at once - no separate checks.  We know that OZZY is the Ayatollah of Rock n Rolla, and he is selling his DNA for $4.50 a can.  Being liquified is big business! Just sayin'.   Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Orange man wants to reopen the world-famous Alcatraz criminal resort.  It’s been rusting and falling down for years, kinda like Sleepy Joe, but Alcatraz can still be restored, Joey probably not.  Alcatraz has a special place for people who take their shoes off on airplanes, remove tags from pillows or pull their rotary nose hair clippers out at dinner.  Remember Santa doesn’t stop at the county lock up, so do you really think he’s going to Alcatraz?  Hell no?  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Complaining is real popular, and nobody enjoys it more than the activist.  Say hello to three-dollar Bill, he’s the new front page of the Donkey Party.  When Bill’s not busy at Hamster Fight Club night, he and the other humanized mice like to head downtown for a paid appearance at the local street riot.  Bill brings plenty of concrete chunks to hurl at police, and have some left over to share with the other kids so they can go to jail too. That’s America!  And if $3 Bill has graffiti skills, well that’s a plus!  And you thought untucked masculinity was the problem.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

When you need a tire changed or a refrigerator moved to the second floor, who do you call?  You call a man!  Men are back, and are finally done with putting their hair up in mouse ears and going with you to the mall.  Don’t be asking men to tell you which sheets they think are the softest. They have no idea – none - and anything they say is just to make you feel better.  Men are no longer impressed by things like Kamala's bunions, so quit asking.  And if a man brings a bag of Pork Rinds to your birthday party, don’t act surprised.  Just smile and say thank you.  Otis Investigates.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

The Mexican Navy is looking for a new navigator after somebody over there tried to drive their one hundred fifty-foot-tall boat underneath the one hundred thirty-foot tall Brooklyn Bridge.  Not a good look!  Pealed the top right off right in front of where congressman lady Sandy Cortez stays, and supposedly gets her laundry done.  Hear what came next with Otis.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You know that trick where you turn your socks inside out to get another couple of days out of them?  Well, that’s what the donkey party bosses have in mind for Kamala.  Just turn the lady in the pant suit inside out for another go at the controls, and do it fast before Sandy Cortez de Putanasa gets it all.  But what's the difference?  Aren’t you tired of complaining yet?  I know I am.  Imagine how much more we could get done around here if everybody put down the dopey little signs and walking around out in the yard saving democracy.  Isn’t that getting old yet?  It’s so last year.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

What Do Men Really Want, aside from the usual stuff like getting to wipe your nose on your sleeve or maybe a good stool softener.  Men are simple organisms who still think they can play Wipe Out on the steering wheel.  But know other stuff too like what a woman is.  Hell, men are experts in that.  They know today’s modern girl isn’t looking for any fluff.  Fang Fang isn’t up all-night waiting for that box of Christmas pajamas with the bunny feet and tail.  It comes down to one thing: “What would Roy Rogers do?” That’s how you know if you’re thinking right.  If Roy would do it – then you can do it.  Hear Podcast ~ Wash Hands Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.