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The Relaxed Male Podcast

The Relaxed Male Podcast

Author: Bryan Goodwin

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Helping men Develop stronger bonds and change their mindset with their teenage sons to that they are able to raise strong confident purpose minded men.

Each week Bryan Goodwin gives new information to help you discover new ways to connect with your son to help him overcome the anxiety and counteract the influences that society has.
37 Episodes
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Why does a man’s mind need to be kept up? That is what we talk about this week on our continuing series about the 4 pillars of a relaxed Male or maybe fo a confident man. I don’t know I am playing with the thought and still working through some of the details. Either way, the principles of a man’s mind will stay the same.    What do I mean by a man’s mind You have to feed your mind to keep it strong.  Don’t mean just puzzles It is you You need it to make decisions  You have the power of reason Why is your mind important? Way to keep your mind strong Read nonfiction books Self-help Biographies  Learn a new word of the day Conversations  Practice mindfulness  Television will rot your brain Stay away from junk content How do you keep your mind strong? You have to keep your wits sharp You have to keep mental illness at bay You have to have logic and reasoning  Why is the man’s mind important to being a relaxed male?
Question of the week https://www.quora.com/Is-it-better-to-reward-good-value-or-punish-bad-behavior-during-parenting/answer/Bryan-Goodwin-10?ch=10&share=1a1465c2&srid=p0zJe   Main topic Why is the man’s body important to living a relaxed male lifestyle? The body is where you are at. Yeah, you are also in your mind but your body represents who you are. Are you fat or just slightly pudgy? Maybe you are a bean pole. How we look is important and tells the world a lot of what we think of ourselves. So your body is also about your health. This means getting your body in shape helping you to find the love you need for yourself. You want to exercise because you want to honor your body. It also helps you live longer.  We abuse our bodies so much and don’t show it the respect we need to show. So there is a change in ourselves we need to make if we want to be successful and prosperous. Treating our bodies right helps also show our sons what it means to take care of ourselves. You show them that nothing is easy but the results are worth it. Why is your health so important You have a better life. Your life is better when you are healthy. Now I didn’t say it was perfect but it is worth it. You have a better outlook on life and you see the possibilities in a clearer mind. You think clearer Yes, your mind isn’t as jumbled up with all the mess and extra thinking when you have a healthy body., Your body carries oxygen better which helps you think better. You don’t have as many constricted capillaries that allow the blood to flow even easier. This in turn helps keep your blood pressure down. We need controlled violent activities Men have this crazy chemical in our systems called Testosterone, and it is what causes us to have denser muscles and other attributes. One thing about testosterone is that it needs to be burned off. To burn it off men have to have controlled violent activities. This is why boys can concentrate better after exercise. Boys often have way more energy than what they know what to do with. So they burn it off by running and jumping and daring each other to try crazy challenges. As a grown man we have the same problem yet if we don’t use it up we produce less. So it is a case of use it or loses it. So this is why Jujitsu or some other activity is needed for us men. That is why if you want to have more testosterone it is actually good to just go out in the back and throw a heavy rock around the yard. Do something more than just a leisure walk. Do aggressive pushups or run some bleachers. So something in a more aggressive form.f It helps you live longer With better health is a better heart. A better heart gives you a healthier mind. With all this, you have a chance to live your life to its fullest. You have less stress When you have used up all your excess energy you don’t have the reserves to apply to stress. That stress is often just penny up energy that comes in the form of stress. When you aren’t thinking as clearly your mind thinks up other things to worry about. Proves that hard work is worth it When you work out all the time you see the change in your body. That change isn’t instant but one day you look and suddenly you have muscles in places you never knew you have muscles  Discomfort doesn’t kill you but it makes you stronger. You find out that those sore joints and muscles won’t kill you yeah they are uncomfortable but you press through it and you find that you are better for it. Now I am going to be doing the 75Hard by Andy Frisells’s 75hard program. This is where for the next 75 days I will do some rather challenging tasks. You may not think they are hard when you see them but I have heard many people quit and I hear my mind making up excuses right now as to why I can’t do it. So I am ready. Are you join me and we will get over this hump together.  Join me by starting here. If you are interested in making a group where we can support each other let me know.
Today I called an audible. I was going to do the first of the 4 pillars of Relaxed Male but instead, I decided to have a conversation with a good friend of mine Jake Warner. And we explored the challenging but best ways to approach racism in today’s environment. We explore what best can be done to address the issue from just shutting one’s mouth and listening with empathy, to have those scary conversations. You will learn more and connect better when you do have a  You can find Jake at all the places you can find podcasts Apple Podcast Google Podcast Podchaser IHeartRadio   Jakes Social Media  Twitter - Jake’s Profile Twitter - Big Brother Jake’s Podcast Facebook
Why are there pillars Like many things, you have to have a foundation to build on. Each pillar is centered around a portion of men’s life that needs to be kept up so that he can have a full and happy life.  Life a table with 4 legs you can have 3 out of the 4 and it will do ok but it isn’t stable. One wrongly places event and the table falls. How do the pillars work? Each pillar points to a part of a man’s life that is important for him to have a well-rounded life. Missing one isn’t going to wreck his life but he isn’t going to excel as much as he would like to.  The Man’s Mind Mans body  Mans Soul Man’s Community So having a well-rounded life that allows you to beagle to relax and be present in your son's life is important. Sometimes you have to focus in more on one pilar but keeping your learning and physical activity in balance with your soul and still going out and growing your community is very important.
Denying Your Emotions

Denying Your Emotions

2020-07-0941:27

Question of the week John Dude, I thought this was a podcast that was supposed to help dads with their sons. When are you going to start helping those dads with their sons? Main Topic We are often stoic for many reasons but can that be overdone? Yes, the answer is simply yes. It can be overdone. We as people develop different means to cope with the different events in our lives. Often though we use these coping mechanisms to help us avoid uncomfortable situations or events. As men, we have a different set of skills and abilities that we are able to use in stressful situations. These skills are often called stoicism. This is where we hold off on letting emotions take ahold of us until a later time. This is because we are often putting ourselves into stressful events, ie war, protecting our family, and similar circumstances.   Yet sometimes we as humans avoid those emotions or take stoicism to an extreme. Doing this we deny our emotions the life they need to live. We see emotions as this thing that just gets in the way of our comfort and so we avoid circumstances and events that cause unwanted emotions to crop up. We resist those emotions we perceive to be bad emotions.  Why you don’t want to resist your emotions Emotions are the color of your memories. When we remember back to times when we were young we think of how you felt. I remember the smell of my great grandparent’s property. Central Texas in the spring. Everything smelt green you had the fragrances of henbit and sage mixed with the humidity and I feel happy and free on their property. I would go to the creek to go fishing if there was water or just explore the rocks when there was no water.  As you see the emotions are the binding element of your memory it colors it and takes you right back to that time. Even times when it wasn’t just rainbows and lollipops still have those emotions tied to your experience. You even are able to look back and laugh at those times that were simply miserable. Maybe you went on a camping trip and it rained the whole time you were there. It was just a light rain it was a turd floater the whole weekend. Yeah it was cold and nothing was dry but when you look back on it you laugh. Especially when you have your friends involved. If you were in the military you know Bootcamp sucked but you still can’t help but look back and have fond memories of the gas chamber and getting smoked because someone left a locker unlocked. Emotions are apart of who we are. They may have been designed to help us know when we are safe but they are more than that now. That fear and anxiety you have now use to crop up when you were exploring a new cave to see if you can live there or was there a bear that was already inhabiting it. You would have been nervous and on edge, till you were able to prove to yourself that there wasn’t anything in there that could eat you. Once you had a fire and was able to eat yourself you felt comfortable and at rest. In today’s world we see an uncomfortable situation it isn’t a matter of life and death it is a matter of comfort or discomfort. You aren’t very likely to die if you get uncomfortable and you are not going to starve to death if you don’t go out. So we don’t have to bear the discomfort of different emotions as we use to. In fact, we have become averse to some emotions and we deny those emotions. Doing so has many problematic effects on us. We don’t grow Much like your muscles, if you don’t work them you become weaker. If you want to beagle to face the challenges you have in your life you have to experience the emotions that come with it. Life is 50% pleasure and 50% pain. You can’t escape the pains of life. And you really wouldn’t want to anyway. Why would you want to be happy at a friend’s funeral? You would want to be sad. You would want to grieve the loss of your friend. When you resist feeling emotions you resist the ability to grow. You develop stronger skills when you are stressed by an occurrence. You find out that that fear you had was just holding you back. If you don’t experience that fear and anxiety of trying that something new you will just keep avoiding it each time you encounter it. Instead, the more you feel that fear the more you are ready to head right into the problem. You cant become the great man you wan tot be if you are running away from everything that scares you. You can’t kill the dragon if you don’t approach it. We can’t relate When talking to people you share stories. What are stories other than tales that help others experience the emotions you were feeling at the time? Remember emotions are colors. So if you avoid fear and anxiety and other negative emotions you are not going to have the experiences that others will have. This will cause you to not be able to relate to what others are going through. You will be wrapped up in your own emotions and trying to avoid them. Addiction When resisting emotions we develop some harmful habits. These habits are made to distract us. They keep us from having to experience that emotion but making us feel something completely different for a short time and often at the detriment of our happiness. Look at a time in your life where you decided that you had a crappy day and you are just going to get drunk you can’t deal with what was going on anymore so you grab your poison of choice and get to work. Soon you are thoroughly polluted. That night you go to be and wake up feeling horrible. You are hungover. Your head feels like a bunch of kindergarteners are using it as a pinata and you have a bad case of sour stomach. Now imaging doing that every day and you are an alcoholic. You make yourself feel like crap because you don’t want to face the emotions of the day. What does that accomplish? Because you are resisting the discomfort of life you are in fact making yourself feel even worse. There is no logic in that. Yeah, your mind may come up with some clever excuse as to why but if you step out of your “oh woe is me” world you will see how screwed up that thinking really is. This addiction can go towards overeating. How do you feel after you have been stress eating? You don’t feel stress anymore but you feel bloated and sluggish. Which is honestly better? The stress of the moment or the bloated feeling you have? Apply that to heroin. Yeah, you leave this world but what is the cost? That cost is detrimental to you, your family, your lively hood, and your life. Resisting causes the denied emotion to grow. If you are trying to avoid stress or anxiety, you will often try all sorts of tactics to avoid that feeling. We often want to blame others for the source of our emotions and that simply isn’t the case. Your thoughts of a circumstance cause your emotions. So when you start obsessing over avoiding that emotion you are going to think of that emotion even more. Thus you are making your anxiety even stronger. Resisting your emotions cause you to also start to feel isolated and alone. This is the time you really need to have your friends close by and readily able to talk to. Yet if you are resisting that discussion your friend’s sense that you are hiding something and this causes your friends to start distancing themselves. So you make your problem grow even more. All because you are denying your emotions the life they are supposed to have. Feeling Stuck If you are not willing to go into the discomfort needed for you to grow and become the person you were supposed to be. Then you start to feel as if your life has become stagnate and you are stuck. So you have to find a way to get out of that rut and face the fear and discomfort of growing. To do that you have to face the emotions that you are feeling. How? So how do you allow your emotions to live? Well, the main way is to be with your emotions to give them space. Now, this is easier said than done. Your mind will fight you on going back to being comfortable. So it is easier to do when you have someone you can lean on. There is coaching that will help you see where your thoughts are leading you astray. A good coach will give you exercises that can help you see when you are lying to yourself and making excuses and much more. Another way you can get help is by joining a group of people who are committed to helping you. Often this is called a mastermind or just a support group much like The Conclave of Men.  Finally, if you have a friend who is on the same path you are. Start talking with them and actually listen to them. Now, what does giving space to your emotions mean? Giving yourself space means that you aren’t going to try to fight your emotions. IF you feel an emotion rise stop what you are doing and allow it to do its thing. Look at and examine that feeling with some curiosity. What does it feel like? Is it warm or cold? Does it have pressure somewhere on your body? What type of pressure. A shallow dull pressure or sharp and pointed? Look at it. Examine it. Give it a name. Often we won’t know what that emotion really is when it first crops up. But if you sit back and come to understand it you may see that the sadness is really grief and grief is a celebration of a loss of a connection. We remember what that person meant to us.  So Take the time needed to come to understand your emotions. Understanding them is good. You don’t have to let them run your life but you need to let them run their life. So many times we worry that we will drown in sorrow. When in reality that sorrow will only arise when we think back on the lost connection. That is ok and is just fine to feel the loss. It is good to feel sorrow. It is good to have that fire of determination. We need that fuel to get ourselves out of the hole we are in. Once we go through that fire we often find out that we are stronger and better equipped for the next challenge that comes our way.
You Are Not Broken

You Are Not Broken

2020-07-0228:48

Main event I have seen many people who go through life looking through the rearview mirror of life. A wise man once told me that is why the rearview mirror is so small. Yeah, the pst is important but what is important to you is in front of you. We all have different experiences in life we like to think that they define who we are and that simply isn’t the case. We often will look to occurrences that simply don't  Your life is always made up of experiences What does it mean to be loveable? You believe you cant love or you are not able to be loved The past is just that the past You may have had bad things happen to your past. But the past isn't who you are today. Are you defining yourself from your past? Are you telling yourself these stories? You have to allow yourself to be lovable You have to take responsibility for what you did do. You can change Stop playing the victim.
The Man Box Part 2

The Man Box Part 2

2020-06-2555:14

This is part 2 of a 2 part series I would recommend you listen to episode 29 first. Now, this is a new concept for me and it was introduced to me from a friend of mine. She is a counselor who works with sex offenders. She was talking about how they use the information about The Man Box to help them. Now This episode is more than likely going to drift on the political a bit. This isn’t a political site. This website is men focused and meant to help men raise strong confident boys to they can be leaders in society. To do that we sadly have to get our political feet wet today. Again I apologize there are way too much politics and tribalism going on in the world today. When there is a line crossed I will take a stand. As a Man Should. So I got to looking at what in the world the man box was. I came across the ted talk by Tony Porter which is the very first video that pops up on youtube. Now Tony started out as a child in the inner city. He talks about how growing up in New York he was taught that Men had to be tough, strong, courageous, dominating, no pain, emotionless except anger and no fear, men are in change which means women are not, That men lead and you just fall in line, Men are superior and women are inferior, Men strong women weak, that women are less valuable. They are the property of men. Now he goes on and talks about his dad atone of his brother’s funeral, and how he held his tears in till the women left. He then progresses to a story about a girl name Shiela and his interactions with her.  From here he digresses into the problem with the man box and the problem I have with the man box. Where he says that all men function in the deepest foundations or the man Box we inherently undervalue women which makes us see them as objects. This Man box is the topic of today’s discussion. The biggest problem with all the studies I am about to talk about and it will be beaten in your head throughout this episode is that for people who hate stereotypes they love to stereotype when it fits their needs. Now again I do realize that that view is also a stereotype so this just proves my point even more. What is the Man Box? It is a perceived list of values all men are supposed to hold to. Now the “supposed to” is used on purpose because in this argument one side thinks that is how we act and the other side thinks how we don’t act. There are academic papers that are pushing this Man Box listed all over the place. There are studies about how The role of masculine norms and gender role conflict. There are studies about Toxic Masculinity The Man Box is also called Toxic Masculinity. This is where so many people get the idea of Masculinity as being bad, and we need to break the Gender norms and such instances as this. They are fundamentally wrong and we will get into these instances later. Now according to Richmond College, The Man Box is described as, A term that researchers use to describe the dominant form of masculinity in the United States at this time is known as Hegemonic Masculinity, which Mark Greene (2013) and others have described as the “Man Box.” Now that Hegemonic Masculinity is a $10 word and I had a 50¢ vocabulary so I did look up and see what Hegemonic masculinity means and it is according to Wikipedia Hegemonic masculinity is defined as a practice that legitimizes men's dominant position in society and justifies the subordination of the common male population and women, and other marginalized ways of being a man From what I see that is the common Alpha Male and Beta Male line of thinking. This is also an incorrect way to look at men.  Now the Term Man Box goes all the way back 40 years ago to an activist named Paul Kivel. His Wikipedia page isn’t very filled out so what is listed is. Kivel co-founded the Oakland Men's Project, a community education center focused on preventing male violence, and has been called "an innovative leader in violence prevention. According to one study called, The Man Box: A Study on Being a Young Man in the US, UK, and Mexico a rigid construct of cultural ideas about male identity. This includes being self-sufficient, acting tough, looking physically attractive, sticking to rigid gender roles, being heterosexual, having sexual prowess, and using aggression to resolve conflicts. This is the primary study that I read through and this took a while because of the double standard and I could only handle it at short chunks because of the double standard.  The 7 Pillars of the Man Box In the study the divided the man box up into 7 different categories and they are. Self Sufficiency A man never talks about his feeling if he wants to get respect. Men should figure out their problems on their own. Acting Tough If a man doesn’t fight back, he is weak. Men should act strong even if they are nervose or scared. Physical Attractiveness A man has to look good if he wants to be successful. Yet women don’t like men who fuss too much with their hair clothes and skin. And if men spend too much time on their looks they aren’t manly. Rigid Gender Roles Men should earn the money and women should stay home and take care of the kids. Boys should have to learn how to cook clean or take care of kids. Husbands don’t have to do chores Homophobia Gay men are not real men but it is OK to be friends with a gay man. (Yeah figure that one out) Hypersexuality Real Men should have as many sexual partners as they can and never say no to sex. Aggression and Control Real men use violence to get respect. A man should always have the final say in a family, and they should know where their girlfriend or woman is at all times. Already you are seeing the flaws in the man box theory. First, they destroy their argument in the Homophobia category.  Yet let’s look at some other problems men are in other studies. Boys are more likely to take risks and partake in risky behaviors. Yes, boys take more risks and the competition of being the best is in all of us. They are more fearless Boys like to show off yet women too like to show off in their own natural way. You have to be successful We all want to be successful. Men are more likely to take the risks needed to have their own business. Engage in watching pornography more Now, this is a problem. I agree. I am starting to look at what porn does to a man’s way of thinking. And I am starting to see what Pornography does to a man’s thought process. But it isn’t an objectification of women like many people want to think. Yet it does take away the connection to your wife if you are married. Yet I would say we need to look at why men turn to porn in the first place. Emotionless This is the natural inclination to stoicism men develop. This is a skill that men require not to turn their emotions off like a switch but to set their emotions off to the side until there is a proper time to process them.  There is a problem with both sexes in that they will run from uncomfortable emotions. They will bury then so that they don’t have to experience them. This does cause problems and this problem is again in both sexes. This is where much of the problem of overeating comes in to play, along with alcoholism and drug addiction. Have higher mental health problems This is going to have some finger-pointing. I believe this is from many of the outside influences on the boys as they are growing up. The schools treat boys as if they are broken girls. Boys are not allowed to be boys. There is a fundamental difference between the two sexes and all of the postmodern deconstructionism that is going on in colleges these days adds only more mental health problems and confusion. Attacks on masculinity as being bad adds even more fuel wind to the tempest. There are no healthy debates going on. There is way too much tribalism. All of this has stifled real men and boys from being able to have healthy talks. Trying to fix something that isn’t broke only breaks more stuff. More prone to bullying This is an increase across both sexes. This has gone on for centuries. Is bullying a problem? It can be but if you can teach a boy to be stoic and let him understand that each man has the ability to disarm the bully by using confidence. Any time you stand out from the crowd people is going to try to pull you down. This is called The Tall poppy syndrome. I talked about this in episode 23. I also see bullying as a normal rite of passage. It does strengthen you for life. You will face assholes all along your journey you have how do you deal with them? You have teachers who will not like you you will have upper-level managers who see you as a threat. You will have people who will delight in making your life hell. How do you deal with this normal everyday occurrence? You learn from them. One of the best ways to teach confidence for kids in school is to help them learn that they have power. That can mean that they have to bloody a bully’s nose at some time. That is actually a good thing it teaches the bully that their actions are not accepted and that you never know who you‘re messing with. So get your kid into some type of martial arts. They learn to fight when it is needed. Lack of friends to talk to Look at young boys they make friends at the drop of a hat. This skill is lost as we get older. Look at 45-year-old men they may only have 1 or 2 close friends. This on their head it isn’t because men can’t have friends it is because we get caught up in the grind of life. Helping our families. This is a problem but it isn’t strictly associated with men I know many women who have only 1 or 2 close friends. Will stand by and watch This is a societal problem. Not only do men stand by and let injustice happen but I see just as many women standing to the side with their phone’s camera out and recording. What are men in reality Men actually do the following We protect those close to us We do stand up for those who are our family. If the need arises we will fight. We will resort to violent actions. We may not want to but we will. This is why men go to war. They believe in a cause and are willing to put their lives on the line. This is where many of the Man Box categories are actually put to good use. War is risky so when being raised up this is why boys take more risk. We naturally train ourselves to do fearless activities. It shows us that 90% of the time we won’t actually die from being uncomfortable.  We have the needed aggression to do the hard work. That aggression is also used so that we go after what we want. We don’t give up just because something is in our way. The lack of emotions that these studies find also helps in protecting our families. WE do have to act in moments of fear and high stress. When loud explosions are going on around us we have to know there is a time and a place for everything and paying attention to the amygdala on a battlefield will often get you shot. This is called Stoicism and it is a good thing for men to have. So we aren’t just standing in the middle of a crowd boohooing.  Men serve their community WE have friends and working or running a business is serving the community. We have to take risks to run a business. We can’t succumb to fear when making a business decision because it will most likely be the wrong choice. Men provide for their family This is us reaping the rewards of serving the community. Life is a set of transactions and that sounds cold to many who think capitalism is wrong but it is a fact. You cant receive unless you give. This goes with respect, Having a wife, having friends, and having a business. Without many aspects of the Man Box, you cant have a stable society. These social constructs have been with us for many millennia. They serve us well and they are there for a damn good reason. Now I will say I agree with Tony at the end of his talk. Because in all reality I am doing a lot on this site to do what he thinks needs to be done to fix the Man Box. He stats that is it ok to not be dominating. It is OK to have feelings and emotions. It is OK to promote equality, it is OK to have women who are just friends, That it is ok to be whole. That is what I do on this site and this podcast. If you go through and look we talk a hell of a lot about emotions and what they are and why they are good to have. Equality is always something we all strive for real equality not to sacrifice one person's rights gifts and give them to a different person who someone arbitrarily feels needs more rights and special help. We all have the ability to be successful. And there would be more successful with less victim mindset. When we have the stoicism and integrity in your life you can have women as friends.  Other Relaxed Male posts about Toxic Masculinity There is No Toxic Masculinity Because Our Boys Aren’t Broken Let Boys be Boys
The Man Box Part 1

The Man Box Part 1

2020-06-1801:04:53

Now, this is a new concept for me and it was introduced to me from a friend of mine. She is a counselor who works with sex offenders. She was talking about how they use the information about The Man Box to help them. Now This episode is more than likely going to drift on the political a bit. This isn’t a political site. This website is men focused and meant to help men raise strong confident boys to they can be leaders in society. To do that we sadly have to get our political feet wet today. Again I apologize there are way too much politics and tribalism going on in the world today. When there is a line crossed I will take a stand. As a Man Should. So I got to looking at what in the world the man box was. I came across the ted talk by Tony Porter which is the very first video that pops up on youtube. Now Tony started out as a child in the inner city. He talks about how growing up in New York he was taught that Men had to be tough, strong, courageous, dominating, no pain, emotionless except anger and no fear, men are in change which means women are not, That men lead and you just fall in line, Men are superior and women are inferior, Men strong women weak, that women are less valuable. They are the property of men. Now he goes on and talks about his dad atone of his brother’s funeral, and how he held his tears in till the women left. He then progresses to a story about a girl name Shiela and his interactions with her.  From here he digresses into the problem with the man box and the problem I have with the man box. Where he says that all men function in the deepest foundations or the man Box we inherently undervalue women which makes us see them as objects. This Man box is the topic of today’s discussion. The biggest problem with all the studies I am about to talk about and it will be beaten in your head throughout this episode is that for people who hate stereotypes they love to stereotype when it fits their needs. Now again I do realize that that view is also a stereotype so this just proves my point even more. What is the Man Box? It is a perceived list of values all men are supposed to hold to. Now the “supposed to” is used on purpose because in this argument one side thinks that is how we act and the other side thinks how we don’t act. There are academic papers that are pushing this Man Box listed all over the place. There are studies about how The role of masculine norms and gender role conflict. There are studies about Toxic Masculinity The Man Box is also called Toxic Masculinity. This is where so many people get the idea of Masculinity as being bad, and we need to break the Gender norms and such instances as this. They are fundamentally wrong and we will get into these instances later. Now according to Richmond College, The Man Box is described as, A term that researchers use to describe the dominant form of masculinity in the United States at this time is known as Hegemonic Masculinity, which Mark Greene (2013) and others have described as the “Man Box.” Now that Hegemonic Masculinity is a $10 word and I had a 50¢ vocabulary so I did look up and see what Hegemonic masculinity means and it is according to Wikipedia Hegemonic masculinity is defined as a practice that legitimizes men's dominant position in society and justifies the subordination of the common male population and women, and other marginalized ways of being a man From what I see that is the common Alpha Male and Beta Male line of thinking. This is also an incorrect way to look at men.  Now the Term Man Box goes all the way back 40 years ago to an activist named Paul Kivel. His Wikipedia page isn’t very filled out so what is listed is. Kivel co-founded the Oakland Men's Project, a community education center focused on preventing male violence, and has been called "an innovative leader in violence prevention. According to one study called, The Man Box: A Study on Being a Young Man in the US, UK, and Mexico a rigid construct of cultural ideas about male identity. This includes being self-sufficient, acting tough, looking physically attractive, sticking to rigid gender roles, being heterosexual, having sexual prowess, and using aggression to resolve conflicts. This is the primary study that I read through and this took a while because of the double standard and I could only handle it at short chunks because of the double standard.  The 7 Pillars of the Man Box In the study the divided the man box up into 7 different categories and they are. Self Sufficiency A man never talks about his feeling if he wants to get respect. Men should figure out their problems on their own. Acting Tough If a man doesn’t fight back, he is weak. Men should act strong even if they are nervose or scared. Physical Attractiveness A man has to look good if he wants to be successful. Yet women don’t like men who fuss too much with their hair clothes and skin. And if men spend too much time on their looks they aren’t manly. Rigid Gender Roles Men should earn the money and women should stay home and take care of the kids. Boys should have to learn how to cook clean or take care of kids. Husbands don’t have to do chores Homophobia Gay men are not real men but it is OK to be friends with a gay man. (Yeah figure that one out) Hypersexuality Real Men should have as many sexual partners as they can and never say no to sex. Aggression and Control Real men use violence to get respect. A man should always have the final say in a family, and they should know where their girlfriend or woman is at all times. Already you are seeing the flaws in the man box theory. First, they destroy their argument in the Homophobia category.  Yet let’s look at some other problems men are in other studies. Boys are more likely to take risks and partake in risky behaviors. Yes, boys take more risks and the competition of being the best is in all of us. They are more fearless Boys like to show off yet women too like to show off in their own natural way. You have to be successful We all want to be successful. Men are more likely to take the risks needed to have their own business. Engage in watching pornography more Now, this is a problem. I agree. I am starting to look at what porn does to a man’s way of thinking. And I am starting to see what Pornography does to a man’s thought process. But it isn’t an objectification of women like many people want to think. Yet it does take away the connection to your wife if you are married. Yet I would say we need to look at why men turn to porn in the first place. Emotionless This is the natural inclination to stoicism men develop. This is a skill that men require not to turn their emotions off like a switch but to set their emotions off to the side until there is a proper time to process them.  There is a problem with both sexes in that they will run from uncomfortable emotions. They will bury then so that they don’t have to experience them. This does cause problems and this problem is again in both sexes. This is where much of the problem of overeating comes in to play, along with alcoholism and drug addiction. Have higher mental health problems This is going to have some finger-pointing. I believe this is from many of the outside influences on the boys as they are growing up. The schools treat boys as if they are broken girls. Boys are not allowed to be boys. There is a fundamental difference between the two sexes and all of the postmodern deconstructionism that is going on in colleges these days adds only more mental health problems and confusion. Attacks on masculinity as being bad adds even more fuel wind to the tempest. There are no healthy debates going on. There is way too much tribalism. All of this has stifled real men and boys from being able to have healthy talks. Trying to fix something that isn’t broke only breaks more stuff. More prone to bullying This is an increase across both sexes. This has gone on for centuries. Is bullying a problem? It can be but if you can teach a boy to be stoic and let him understand that each man has the ability to disarm the bully by using confidence. Any time you stand out from the crowd people is going to try to pull you down. This is called The Tall poppy syndrome. I talked about this in episode 23. I also see bullying as a normal rite of passage. It does strengthen you for life. You will face assholes all along your journey you have how do you deal with them? You have teachers who will not like you you will have upper-level managers who see you as a threat. You will have people who will delight in making your life hell. How do you deal with this normal everyday occurrence? You learn from them. One of the best ways to teach confidence for kids in school is to help them learn that they have power. That can mean that they have to bloody a bully’s nose at some time. That is actually a good thing it teaches the bully that their actions are not accepted and that you never know who you‘re messing with. So get your kid into some type of martial arts. They learn to fight when it is needed. Lack of friends to talk to Look at young boys they make friends at the drop of a hat. This skill is lost as we get older. Look at 45-year-old men they may only have 1 or 2 close friends. This on their head it isn’t because men can’t have friends it is because we get caught up in the grind of life. Helping our families. This is a problem but it isn’t strictly associated with men I know many women who have only 1 or 2 close friends. Will stand by and watch This is a societal problem. Not only do men stand by and let injustice happen but I see just as many women standing to the side with their phone’s camera out and recording. What are men in reality Men actually do the following We protect those close to us We do stand up for those who are our family. If the need arises we will fight. We will resort to violent actions. We may not want to but we will. This is why men go to war. They believe in a cause and are willing to put their lives on the line. This is where many of the Man Box categories are actually put to good use. War is risky so when being raised up this is why boys take more risk. We naturally train ourselves to do fearless activities. It shows us that 90% of the time we won’t actually die from being uncomfortable.  We have the needed aggression to do the hard work. That aggression is also used so that we go after what we want. We don’t give up just because something is in our way. The lack of emotions that these studies find also helps in protecting our families. WE do have to act in moments of fear and high stress. When loud explosions are going on around us we have to know there is a time and a place for everything and paying attention to the amygdala on a battlefield will often get you shot. This is called Stoicism and it is a good thing for men to have. So we aren’t just standing in the middle of a crowd boohooing.  Men serve their community WE have friends and working or running a business is serving the community. We have to take risks to run a business. We can’t succumb to fear when making a business decision because it will most likely be the wrong choice. Men provide for their family This is us reaping the rewards of serving the community. Life is a set of transactions and that sounds cold to many who think capitalism is wrong but it is a fact. You cant receive unless you give. This goes with respect, Having a wife, having friends, and having a business. Without many aspects of the Man Box, you cant have a stable society. These social constructs have been with us for many millennia. They serve us well and they are there for a damn good reason. Now I will say I agree with Tony at the end of his talk. Because in all reality I am doing a lot on this site to do what he thinks needs to be done to fix the Man Box. He stats that is it ok to not be dominating. It is OK to have feelings and emotions. It is OK to promote equality, it is OK to have women who are just friends, That it is ok to be whole. That is what I do on this site and this podcast. If you go through and look we talk a hell of a lot about emotions and what they are and why they are good to have. Equality is always something we all strive for real equality not to sacrifice one person's rights gifts and give them to a different person who someone arbitrarily feels needs more rights and special help. We all have the ability to be successful. And there would be more successful with less victim mindset. When we have the stoicism and integrity in your life you can have women as friends.  Other Relaxed Male posts about Toxic Masculinity There is No Toxic Masculinity Because Our Boys Aren’t Broken Let Boys be Boys  
Why are questions important? Your brain is a computer and will look for the answer you ask it. What does this make possible? Big Leap Questions Am I willing to increase the amount of time each day that I feel good inside An inner sense of well being An I willing to increase the amount of time my whole life goes well Work relationships Am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time? If you argue your limitations you get to keep them. Stop fighting to keep your limitations What’s the payoff for limitations? Limiting beliefs are erroneous but for your protections Are you willing to take the big leap in love money and creative contributions How much love and abundance are you willing to allow? How are you getting in your own way? Will you commit to living in your zone of genius all the time Zone of Genius What do I most love to do? What do I do that doesn’t seem like work? What is my unique ability Other Questions to ask Why is this problem important for me to face? Why is this problem so excellent? What is the best use of my time? Does this feeling serve me? How does this project advance my goals? What am I grateful for? What am I going to accomplish today? What is your greatest asset? Are you willing to forgive yourself? Are you willing to laugh at your mistakes? Why am I doing what I am doing?
Having Gratitude

Having Gratitude

2020-06-0436:27

Main topic Having gratitude can overcome most obstacles. How does gratitude help? It changes your mindset to one of the abundance EP14 - https://www.relaxedmale.com/ep-14-the-abundance-mindset/ You can't be negative when you see the abundance you have. It is the root of an abundant mindset - https://www.relaxedmale.com/why-gratitude-is-important/ while being grateful for what you have you are more open for seeing what is possible You are easier to get along with You are all around a happier person More difficult to get you down It stops the comparison game - https://www.relaxedmale.com/the-comparison-game-dont-play-it/ How to have more gratitude The best tool is the gratitude journal When complaining to stop yourself from complaining give three things you are grateful for in this current situation Ask yourself what does this make possible?
Question of the Week This weeks question is from Quora https://qr.ae/pNyZ5J Main topic Fear, is something we have all experienced in one form or another sometime in our life. I remember when I was a little kid I was in the kitchen at night and grabbing some snacks I wasn’t supposed to have and suddenly a large column candle we had on in there for smell goods and emergency lighting if the electricity went out suddenly fell off of its holder. Blam! The sense of fear that a ghost was about to start throwing me was the only thought I remember. That and the fact that I did an incredible Jesse Owens impression.  Another instance of me being in the full grip of fear was when I was at my great grandparent’s house. This incredible storm was booming. You could walk around the house without the lights on because the lighting was flashing almost continuously. The windows would shake when there were close strikes. It was a truly awe-inspiring event. So much so that I took an umbrella (because it was raining) and went out to watch it. As I was out in the middle of my great grandfather’s garden looking all around me as the clouds lit up and flashed and the Thunder was felt in your chest. Suddenly I started feeling oddly light. The hair on the nape of my neck was getting all tingly. All I thought was this is weird and then maybe 20 feet or so in front of me, my the world turned white. It also got very warm, very fast. The noise was deafening. After that the umbrella was dropped and from my lips came a battle cry for the cowards. UUUUUUUuuuuuuuurgh!!! I proceeded to return to the house as quickly as possible. Now these are two instances are an example of three things, Surprise, Stupidity, and Fear. Now the surprise of a candle falling and thinking it was a ghost could be garnered as ignorance. While obviously me standing out in an open field with a lightning rod in my hand during a thunderstorm is clearly stupidity. Both are also examples of unbridled fear. What is Fear?  Fear is your mind’s reaction to the unknown. It is thanks to the lizard part of your brain, the amygdala, is the emotional birthplace. Well all you emotions come from the amygdala, but when fear comes into play, your lizard part of your brain actually can take control of your body. It will take full control and you run on autopilot. That is what happens when you enter the fight, flight, or freeze instincts. Your amygdala is designed to keep you safe and comfortable. Now short of being struck by lighting or seeing a bus coming at you. These days the use of fear to run from a bear is very seldom. Yet it is still there. Most people avoid feeling fear because it is rather unpleasant and so we avoid fear as much as we avoid the bear. I want to propose that fear can be a tool and a very handy tool to keep you not only safe but to help you become more successful. Fear as A Tool Now I see fear as a tool. Like every tool you can use it the right way and the wrong way. Both ways are powerful but using it the wrong way is very destructive. Wrong Uses of Fear Using fear as a tool to manipulate people is the common way most people use fear incorrectly. They threaten people with their jobs if it is a boss with no confidence in their leading style or of exposing a shameful event if it is by someone who is blackmailing someone else.  Fear can for a short time influence a person to do your bidding. Because fear can over rid free will it is a common tool for tyrants and dictators alike. Yet eventually people get tired of living in fear and they will fight back. Using fear like this erodes people away it makes them less than they can be and doesn’t serve anybody even the person who is trying to control others. How to use fear to your advantage Now you can also use fear to your advantage and it can be used to accelerate your path to your goals and other success. Masting Kipp said it best. Unless you’re in mortal danger, fear is a compass showing you where to go. - Mastin Kipp As I said earlier, we avoid fear. Our amygdala wants us to stay comfortable in what is familiar. Yet when you are starting a new business or anything that is out of the ordinary we are faced with the biggest barriers around. Those barriers are fear. Yeah they may be mindsets too but often those mindsets are based in fear. This is why when you will hear people say if your goal doesn’t scare you it isn’t the right goal. If you use fear as a compass you will soon know that you re heading in the right direction. You can also change ho you look at fear.  Fear is excitement without the breath - Fritz Perls, MD, the psychiatrist and founder of Gestalt Therapy The key is to breathe and make them deep breaths make your feeling scared into the feeling of exhilaration. All you need to do is breath, also you live longer if you breathe deep Daniel-san.
How Did You Get There?

How Did You Get There?

2020-05-2130:03

One of the biggest factors that will hold a person back is the story and thoughts of how they arrived in the current circumstance they find themselves in. There are times that people may find themselves in a deep dark hole. When they look back on how they arrived there they want to point their fingers at anybody else other than the real person who is to blame. Look at an addict. They blame others for the circumstance that they are in. Yet in all reality, they are the ones who made the choice to start taking the drug. They may have had a tragic event happen in their lives and they may blame an abusive parent. Yet when that addict left that environment the choices they made are what actually got them in the predicament they are in. People who are poor often have the same problem. They blame companies for screwing them over. Yet if they were, to be honest, it is their spending habits that drain their bank account not an evil corporation that pays them very little. Why do some people wind up in bad circumstances? They wind up in bad circumstances because that is what they have deemed that circumstance to be? The events or circumstances in your life are all neutral. That is until you apply thought to that circumstance.  This is why two people can watch the very same movie and come out with two very different experiences. One person can love it and the other person can hate it. So when you have thought about your current circumstance, you can choose to make that circumstance a positive event or a negative event. The Mindset Many people who perceive their environment to be a bad event also see that it is someone else fault for them being in that event. The “Victim” may claim to hate that person because of what they did to them. They want to play the victim and give up all responsibilities to their actions.  If they are in an abusive relationship. According to the victim, it is someone else’s fault that they are there. Yet the person who wronged them may not have been in their life to the past 10 tears. However, the victim is giving up all their power to this person they claim to hate. My question is if they detest that person as much as they claim, because of how much they have ruined their life then why would you give all of your power to that very person? Now you are seeing the error in having a victim’s mindset. When you play the victim you relinquish responsibility for your actions. You can’t be blamed for staying in a crappy place if it isn’t your fault. But how can someone you haven’t seen in such a ling time actually control you? The answer is they can.  How to get out If you want to get out of the current circumstance you are in, you have to change your mindset and own up to the fact that your choices put you in that hole. It may cause some major discomfort but the moment you own up to your responsibility you can start making the changes needed for you to climb out.   You can start thinking about different thoughts of your circumstance. Now I am not saying deny the emotions you have from those thoughts but you can change how you think of your environment. You don’t I hope you wouldn’t settle. In fact, you won’t settle if your thoughts about an environment change. A victim settles for the oh well this is my lot in life. While a person who takes responsibility and admits that they are in a hole will start looking for a way out. You can do the very same. Decide you are done with the circumstance you are in and start making changes. The changes won’t be easy they will require you to grow and become stronger in your skills. With each new skill, you will be better equipped to handle the next step to get out and living the best life you deserve and desire.
We all have a story in our head. Yet we often have the wrong story. The story you tell is apart of whether or not you are going to succeed. Now, these stories are yours. But are you telling your story in the right frame of light or are you perhaps living somebody else story? Doing this doesn’t serve you and often it doesn’t benefit you in any way. What is meant by your story? Your story is what are you telling yourself. It can also be the story others are saying about you. Others can have whatever story they want. The real story is your story,  Other people can have their own story about you. Yes, people are going to have their own story about you. You cant change this and why should you? What the story isn’t truthful? Ok, but how does their thought of you affect you. They may tell the boss their thoughts? Yeah, they may but the boss also has their own thoughts about you.  Maybe some of their stories are true. What then? You work for your story. If the story isn’t correct their story will change on its own. If it doesn’t it really doesn’t matter it is their story. Are you living someone else’s story? Why would you live someone else’s story Many times we live other people’s stories for many different reasons. Perhaps it’s a parent that wants you to go to college so that you can take over the family business. They may say that it is your birthright and you don’t want to upset your parents. Yet you love welding and the family business is office supplies. These two really don’t fit together that well.  There are many reasons to why you start living by someone else story. Many times it so that we don’t rock the boat. Then again it could be because you have been guilt-tripped into that story. So you give up your dream or aspirations of being a writer.  Yet living your own story is important. You need to have your own story.  Are you telling yourself the Right story? Here is an example for you. When I was a kid I was the child of a rancher. And from time to time I was told to get up and go help with breaking up frozen stock tanks in the winter. The work was cold. It was made worse because I would have to dig the ice chunks out of the tank so that they didn’t freeze over again. In the spring I would be out in the rain looking for the weed that is shorting out the electric cattle fence. The summers were a combination of building miles of fence in 100° weather and grading roads in the wind.  That sounds pretty miserable, right? Or I could tell the story of Many times I wanted to stay under the warm cover and sleep. Yet since I was helping my dad when he was needing it. I would get up and help him bust up the ice in stock tanks we would talk about random things and with my dad’s sense of humor, I was always laughing at something. I may be building the fence in summer but dad would be right there with sweat just pouring off of him. I remember applying sweat with hard work and would apply that to my work ethic as I got older.  When the season to work cattle came around I remember the whole family would get together and pitch in. I would get to see my cousins and we would goof around as we loaded the cattle into the “snake” so they could be given the needed medicine, tagged and branded. These were such good times. See the difference one is a victim minded story of woe and the other is a story of relationships and learning. You have a choice in what light you are going to see your story. To find your story, can take a while. Maybe you need to change your story. The good news is that you can. It is your choice as to you want to live your story or live your parent’s story. You have the choice you always have that choice. Remember that not choosing is a choice in itself. So know that you are telling yourself a story and if you don’t like it then start making those waves.
Avoid the Crab Bucket

Avoid the Crab Bucket

2020-05-0746:55

Maybe you have heard of the analogy of the bucket of crabs. This is where it is easy to keep crabs in a bucket because as one crab tries to crawl out the other crabs in the bucket grab him and drag him back in. This represents the people in your circle. These people are your friends and family members who have an invested emotional interest in keeping you safe. There is that darn word again. Safe.  Why is being safe such a bad thing?  We work so hard on keeping others safe and in today’s standards safe isn’t keeping you away from bears or sabertoothed tigers. Being safe is staying comfortable. Yeah, it is nice to be comfortable from time to time but if you want to become the better person you want for your family and son, you have to step out of that lovely comfort zone and grow. So how does the bucket of crabs fit in? Well, your family members see you making progress and they become fearful for your comfort. That fear causes them to make certain comments and suggestions that are meant to hold you back. You may hear your favorite uncle suggest you not become a writer because you can’t make it as a writer. In reality, he tried the very same thing when he was younger and he lost everything because he wasn’t able to find a publisher. He became very uncomfortable and tucked his dream of having a book published away, in sorts he gave up and decided that it was too much trouble. He doesn’t want to see you go through that discomfort nor does he want his failure to be brought to light. It could be out of fear that he quit too soon. The Tall Poppy Syndrome The Tall Poppy Syndrom is defined as this: The tall poppy syndrome describes the cultural phenomenon of mocking people who think highly of themselves, "cutting down the tall poppy". Common in Australia and New Zealand, it is seen by many as self-deprecating and by others as promoting modesty. We often, as a society, also call out others who are doing what we would like to be. These people become the tall poppies. We make comments like  It must be nice…  He has more money than sense He is lucky He is  privileged Toxic masculinity There are other terms that are very prevalent in today’s vernacular that show the tall poppy syndrome too. Like White privilege or Happiness privilege, he is just out of touch. When we as a society condemn a person for being successful. These are times that tall poppy syndrome crops up.  Some examples of the Tall Poppy Syndrome by doing a quick twitter search. Your son while in high school will be faced with this often. If he tries to be his own person, his classmates will call him out on his uniqueness. If he is working hard and saves up to buy his first car many people will call that out. Some may even dip down to try to actively cut that tall poppy short by damaging his prized possession. Why do people hold us back? Now I mentioned a few reasons earlier. But Let dive a bit deeper. Safety This word really needs to be reduced in our lexicon of words. As before the vast majority of times, our fear for another person’s safety is actually our fear for their discomfort. We don’t want to see our loved ones suffer and fail. So to keep them from failing we try to keep them safe.  This is our emotional brain talking. We can’t predict the future yet we see the very worst about what is going to happen. So we try to talk our loved ones out of dong something that is actually good for them.  It really is self-defeating. We have an emotional reaction to the dream or plans our son hs. Maybe your son wants to go into the Army. That will scare many parents and moms more specifically because there is a real element of danger in joining up with any military. So we try to talk our possible warrior out of the idea.  Yet we ignore all the good that would come out of the endeavor. He could learn how to be more disciplined and more intentional in his actions. He would build up his personal network for his later success. He could make it a career and travel the world. He would then get a dedicated paycheck for the rest of his life.  The perks of joining the military far outnumber the reasons to not join. Yet because there could be a conflict erupt and he is then asked to get into harm’s way, we try to talk him out of it. All because we want someone we love to not go through the discomfort that will make him great. We have stopped letting our sons be dangerous those broken bones and scrapped knees all have teaching moments and yeah there can be an element of true danger in what they do, it is good for our sons to prove themselves. They see themselves in your effort Again this shows where we failed ourselves. Many times people cast judgment not because of what the other person is doing but because we see our own shortcomings. That right there can be very uncomfortable. Many of the opinions we cast when shaded in the light of emotion is because of this very fact. We see that we had the same energy and drive that our son has at the moment and we sadly feel as though we squandered it. I personally don’t like having my shortcoming thrown up in my face, and having my son do the thing I believe couldn’t be done, would be a constant reminder that I failed.  Scarcity mindset  This again is the bane of society. There is so much scarcity mindset running rampant throughout the world. So many people think that they can’t because they don’t have something when in all reality they do have what is needed they just can’t see the forest for the trees How do you escape the bucket? This is tough to do because you have to understand when emotions are playing a part in the advice. This is both when you are giving advice and receiving advice. there are few key points that you do want to focus on.  Your Why Focus on why you are wanting to do what others are trying to talk you out of. This is the foundation of you climbing out of the bucket Have the resolve to keep going You may actually make people angry at you. If you keep going. If this happens you need to be resolute about your decision. They may come around later after you have succeeded but then again you have to understand why they are angry. You are showing them their shortcoming and they are afraid for your discomfort. Filter the advice Understand what is fact and what is opinion. Separate the two and weigh the validity of the facts. When you removed the opinions and emotionally based thoughts you can see the facts and make a better decision on what was said. Now people don’t like to have their emotional thoughts disregarded but again most of the time they do change once they see that you are not in constant suffering. Masterminds Now to have a person give you advice without the emotional opinions helps out tremendously. So having a mastermind does this very thing. The people in the group are invested in your success, not your comfort. So that can give you straighter advice that will show you the risks and the rewards of what you are wanting to try. If you are looking for a mastermind The Conclave of Men could be the best fit for you. You are doing the same Pay attention to what you are telling your son. How does it feel to you? Do you feel a level of fear inside? Does that level increase if you were to tell him to go ahead. You may also ask yourself why do you want to keep this person from trying the idea they have. Honestly filter out the emotions when thinking through the problem. 
You Dramatic Life

You Dramatic Life

2020-04-3032:42

Why so dramatic? I bet you know many people who seem to love drama. They overblow what the worst that can happen. They relish gossip and add details to stories they hear. Yet I bet you didn’t know that you also delve into drama quite a bit too. Maybe you know you do and if so good job at least you are more aware of what is happening than many people. What is drama? When I refer to drama I am not meaning plays or acting. I am meaning when we allow our reptile part of the brain to add all sorts of extra emotions to the information we have. Most of the time the level of drama grows with the lack of information. Drama is the extra unnecessary emotions that fog up our judgment and create suffering and stress in our lives  We as people are emotional beings so we like to have drama in our lives. Look at movies would you watch a film that had just an ordinary guy doing ordinary things? Well no. it would be boring. Look at reality Television, these people are all about the drama that I am talking about. Example of how we make drama Say your son just got his driver’s license and he is wanting to go drive around and show off his new skill to his friends on the drag. You finally let him go and he has to be back at 10 pm. Around 10:15 your new driver still isn’t home.  What do you do? Most parents start o wonder why he isn’t home and as each minute that ticks by the scenario you have in your head get worse. First, he just lost track of time this leads to flat time. This leads to him having car problems to he was racing and crashed. This then leads to him lay dying in a ditch with dirty underwear on. Then around 10:36 he drives up and knows he is in trouble and it is even worse because we got ourselves all worked up over nothing. Perhaps your wife texts call me. Suddenly you start making stories of someone is in the hospital, or the back part of the house just was eaten by a sinkhole. Yet when you in a rush call her she was just needing you to stop by the store. We build so much into the lack of information. Why do we turn to Drama so much? Well, our brains are wired for drama. We take the little information we have and apply drama to it w]to fill in the gaps. Now some people are more predisposed to using their amygdala or reptile part of the brain than other people. So that is why you have some people who are easily more attracted to drama. My son dated a girl who I call the Choas Machine she was nothing but drama. Everything was in a state of panic and chaos for her. One example was when her stepfather died due to a drug overdoes, as part of the police investigation, she was questioned by the police. After that, she was convinced that the police thought she had killed him, and she would tell anybody who would listen that she was being investigated for this dude murder. No amount of other facts would dissuade her from thinking otherwise. Such a very tiring place to be is in this young woman’s life. People are wired for drama. We try to plan for the worst and when we don’t allow for the logic part of our brain to really hammer out the details our reptilian part of our brain takes over and starts to fill in the gaps. Since it is trying to keep us safe and comfortable we get the worst possible happenings. Drama as a whole really doesn’t serve us anymore. Some people may argue that we are able to prepare for the worst yet, in reality, we do better when we allow for our prefrontal cortex to do its job and work out all the logic parts. With drama we have more stress and suffering in our lives because we are busy working on things that most likely are never going to happen. The Rumor Mill Another place that drama really can play a huge role is in a company. When rumor mills start to churn out their product. Many times these forms of drama can be destructive if not addressed. Some companies have an actual rumor policy for their company culture.  This is because rumors are based on little fact and a lot of emotion. They crop up more when there is very little communication from the leadership. Rumors often lower the morale of the employees because again we are focusing on the worst instead of pressing on with our actual job.  Drama and choices It is easy to be caught up in the emotion of drama. In fact, when you notice you are in drama it can actually be hard to turn it off. A good example of this is to stop in the middle of the drama-filled story and try to reframe that story in a positive light. You will see your brain fight tooth and nail against that change. Want a fun experiment try that exercise on a friend who is telling you a drama-filled tale. You can see the struggle on their face.  How to minimize drama Since you can’t actually remove all drama from your life, you can minimize it though. The best is to ask yourself questions. The first being how does getting worked up in drama benefit me? Then you can layout the fact of the story and try to remove the emotions from the details. Doing so will help you to engage your logic part of your brain and start to minimize the emotional filled part of your brain. You can then see that that mountain you are afraid of is nothing more than a molehill.
The benefits of a mastermind are plenty and I wanted to share some specific benefits that you gain when you are a part of a mastermind. You are a part of a community You don’t have to worry about feeling lone nearly as much as if you were going on your own. You will have people who have been in your shoes before and can anticipate what may be around the unforeseen corner. You have people who can help and offer you support. Support In a mastermind, you have people who can give you the needed advice and support for those tough times that you are feeling like you are about to give up. Collaborations Sometimes you need help from people who have skills that are outside of your wheelhouse. So you can lean on the other people in your group for help by using their strengths Makes you think bigger The people in your group will encourage you to stop playing small and reach for the stars. These people who are looking out for you know what you are truly capable of doing. New perspectives Sometimes we can see the forest for the trees and so it helps when you have someone who isn’t buried in the day to day business you are conducting. They can offer a new and different way to look at a problem you are having. It helps when they are outside of your box. Remember you can't read the label from the inside of the bottle. You find out if your baby is ugly Sometimes you just need to be told that your ideas are bad. Yeah sometimes we do have ugly babies and that is alright. It is good to know that your brilliant idea isn’t going to work than to find out 2 years down the road. learn about yourself You can do so much, Yet sadly we tell ourselves storied that hold us back. Your mastermind can help change that limiting belief and make huge strides in your abilities. extend your network Sometimes you feel as if you are a whale in a tiny pond. You have to find new contacts and expand your network of people you know. Your mastermind can help you do that. There are many more benefits that can help you when you are in a mastermind. The Relaxed Male has a Men’s group called The Conclave Of Men that helps men forge their path and achieve the destiny they have been wanting. If you would like to join you can read more on the page
Taking Action

Taking Action

2020-04-1626:44

If you want to succeed you have to take action. Sounds like that is a no brainer. Yet one of the reasons most people don’t succeed is because they don’t take the steps they need to take. They will hymn and haw over what they should or should not do Why people don’t take action Fear Afraid of what others will think Fear that they will change Afraid that they will lose their friend's Procrastination (fear) Afraid of what others will think Fear that they will be seen as not good enough They don’t believe they know enough Don’t want to get out of their comfort zone Comfort is good to feel but if you stay there you will not grow. We have to have adversity in our life if we want to become the best we can be. You learn more about who you are when you clear an uncomfortable stage in your life. Often we fear failure and though that is a fixed mindset if you see failure as a way to not accomplish the goals you can by a method of elimination find the mindset and path that will lead you to success.
Ending the Suffering

Ending the Suffering

2020-04-0936:01

We start this episode off with a little rant about the changing times and how does this goes with why we suffer. We have hard all about how people suffer. Yet we don’t really look at what causes suffering. Why do we suffer? We suffer because we resist our emotions we try to make people do what we feel is best for them By not being in the present We look into our past more than we need to
So many people say they hate liars. You cant trust them. Yet many of those people are the worst liars around. Now there are two types of people who are inherently liars. No, I am not talking about Navy recruiters or politicians. I am talking about Addicts are liars and the other natural liar is a people pleaser. I want to talk this week about the second. I will address the first at some time down the road, but today we are looking at people pleasers. Why People Pleasers? People pleasers are people who go out of their way to lie to others so that they can control how other people feel and what they think. In other words, they are manipulators. We all know someone like this. They are trying to do 30 things at once. Often these are other people's tasks so that the person they are trying to please will like them. I am a recovering people pleaser. Aren't people pleasers good? Not really. These people give up on being their own person for the sake of someone who may or may not like them in return. Often, people pleasers, will say whatever they believe the other person wants to hear instead of speaking their own mind and being their own person. Helping a person out is good and we should help, but not at the detriment to our own life and mental health. Maybe you have known a "Yes Man" at the office. Sometimes these people are also called brown nosers. These guys often don't have the self-worth because they are putting all their worth into another person. People pleasing is called Sociotropy this is a person’s tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence that will leave them vulnerable to depression in the response to a loss of relationships. These are people who act like your neighbor down the street who comes by and bakes cookies for you and keeps bringing them over. Or maybe you see your son always trying to please everybody and then really comes down on himself when someone becomes upset with him. People pleasers are people who... struggle with saying no. feel personally responsible for how other people feel. avoid sharing honestly, like not admitting when your feelings have been hurt. feel uncomfortable dealing with conflict and will do whatever you can to avoid it. sometimes find yourself “becoming” like whoever you hang around. The depression comes from the fact that you cant control a person. You can't make a person feel anything at any time. This will lead to the people People pleasers often will do something small at first and keep piling more and more if they don't get the response they desire they often become upset and can fall into depression or burnout. The drawback of people pleasing You cant be yourself You will burn out The huge strain on your mental health How to break free from being a people pleaser. Face the discomfort of expressing your ideas. Be OK when people don't like your ideas or change them. Understand that the person you are lying to the most when trying to please other people is yourself. You can't control everybody and it is impossible to even control some people all the time. They eventually get tired of being manipulated. Your lies do catch up with you Learn and use the most powerful word in the English language and that is NO. Then you have to accept that many people will not like that response and they will try to find different ways to make you feel bad because you have denied them. Set boundaries and then hold them Accept that you can't control people's emotions. Yeah, your actions may create a pleasant thought in the other person but hat doesn't mean they like you. A person likes you for who you are not how you make them feel because you can't make them feel anything.
The Fixed Mindset

The Fixed Mindset

2020-03-2628:45

What is a fixed mindset? The Fixed mindset is the thought that you are limited in what you are able to achieve by what your talent is. We often tell kids that they are smart and this is a huge problem for when the kids actually hit a limit on what their smarts are able to create. This problem can cause kids to shy away from a challenge and keep them from learning that getting something wrong is actually alright. It shows that you are able to improve. The fixed mindset causes problems because when the talent runs out the person in question thinks that they are not able to improve anymore, which is the farthest from the truth. People also fear that when they can't do something and it is pointed out they believe that deficiency is a fault against them. So it can be a problem with not only children but adults too. Test scores are permanent Hates challenge Finds fault in themselves when faced with failure Fishing trip example. Everyone else’s problem excuses The burden of talent Alfred Dunlap sunbeam and act paper
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