It’s time for your December Indulgence Gospel. 

Today’s episode is both holiday and sex-themed, which seems right! We’re getting into:

️ How diet culture and anti-fatness show up during the holiday season. Comments from relatives! Fitness equipment as gifts! Matching family PJs! Etc.

️ Our NEW Ask Corinne segment, where Corinne answers your fat sex and dating questions, like: What do you do when certain positions just don’t work for your body?

To hear the whole conversation or read the whole transcript, you'll need to become a paid Burnt Toast subscriber. 

If you are already a paid subscriber, you’ll have this entire episode in your podcast feed and access to the entire transcript in your inbox and on the Burnt Toast Substack. You can also subscribe to Corinne's newsletter, Big Undies, for 20% off using this special link. 

To get all of the links and resources mentioned in this episode, as well as a complete transcript, visit our show page.

Also, don't forget to order Fat Talk: Parenting In the Age of Diet Culture! Get your signed copy now from Split Rock Books (they ship anywhere in the USA). You can also order it from your independent bookstore, or from Barnes & Noble, Amazon, Target, Kobo or anywhere you like to buy books. (Or get the UK edition or the audiobook!) 

Disclaimer: Virginia and Corinne are humans with a lot of informed opinions. They are not nutritionists, therapists, doctors, or any kind of healthcare providers. The conversation you're about to hear and all of the advice and opinions they give are just for entertainment, information, and education purposes only. None of this is a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice.

CREDITS

The Burnt Toast Podcast is produced and hosted by Virginia Sole-Smith (follow me on Instagram) and Corinne Fay, who runs @SellTradePlus, and Big Undies—subscribe for 20% off! 

The Burnt Toast logo is by Deanna Lowe.

Our theme music is by Farideh.

Tommy Harron is our audio engineer.

Thanks for listening and for supporting anti-diet, body liberation journalism!

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Episode 173 Transcript

Virginia

I’m so excited for Ask Corinne. I’ve manifested this.

Corinne

I need to get back on the apps so I have some more advice to give.

Virginia

For anyone who missed the fat dating episode we did, I personally found it deeply instructive. I think Corinne gives excellent advice. You have continued to give me excellent advice. And so I just really felt like this needs to be a more official part of the Indulgence Gospel lineup.

Corinne

I do love telling people what to do.

Virginia

And you’re really good at it! You’re usually right.

OK, but holiday stuff first. We got many variations of this first question, so I’m going to read one big one—but we’re going to try to speak to everybody who has a relative they have to figure out how to talk to at the holidays.:

How much is too much confrontation at the holidays? My mother-in-law is constantly almond mom-ing in front of my kids. “I’m just going to be a little piggy and get another serving.” I typically confront most of it and it has actually helped. She’s gotten better. But this year we are going to a cousin’s house. Do I stop correcting her diet culture intrusions because we are not at my house? Do I take on the big stuff but leave the rest? Keep my mouth shut? I want to be a respectful guest to the host, but I also want to support and protect me and my kids. How do you balance this?

Corinne

The eternal question! How to deal with your family at the stressful times around stressful topics.

Personally, I would let it go. Or I would have a conversation beforehand. I think you could even frame it as, “I’ve really noticed that you’ve been making an effort to talk less about this, and I’m appreciating it. And I hope you’ll continue that, even though we’re going to be at my cousin’s house.”

Virginia

I love that. Give some positive feedback on the effort that has been made.

I also think you’ve made your point, and she maybe can only get so far. Maybe you’ve gotten what you’re going to get. I always come back to, when it comes to a grandparent saying this stuff or another extended family member saying this stuff in front of your kids— if it feels weird to tackle in the moment, you can debrief with your kids afterwards. You can protect your kids that way by making sure they’re aware of that you don’t agree with these comments, but you don’t necessarily have to be whack-a-mole responding to every instance in the moment.

Corinne

I also think those moments of tension between you and a family member are usually really unpleasant for someone else to witness, so I would maybe just not. I would save it.

Virginia

The other versions we got of this were things like, “How can I get my mom to stop commenting on my dad’s intake?” and, “Is it worth correcting aging parents on their unnecessary descriptor lingo, comments like ‘larger woman’ or ‘Black nurse?’”

Which, like, oh, man. Why do people do that? It’s so, so unnecessary.

Corinne

The dad’s intake one is so interesting, too.

Virginia

I feel like that’s between your parents? I don’t know that it’s your job to be in the middle of that.

Corinne

I want to know if it is bothering your dad or not?

Virginia

You could back him up if he wants to say something. But if he’s choosing not to say something, I don’t know that it’s your place to say something.

Corinne

Maybe ask your dad like, “Hey, does it ever bother you that mom is commenting on your intake?”

Virginia

“And do you want me to say something? Is it helpful if I say something?”

I would really go to your dad for direction there versus taking that on as your own personal project.

Corinne

But I could totally understand if it would be triggering to you to hear your mom commenting on someone else’s intake.

Virginia

Yes. And the unnecessary descriptors. Man, I don’t know. How do we get people to stop doing this?

Corinne

The descriptions that they’re mentioning here, like a larger woman or Black nurse, there’s nothing wrong with those things. But it’s sort of like, what’s the subtext?

Virginia

It’s that confusing thing, because we always say, “Don’t be colorblind! Don’t pretend someone’s not fat if they are.” Let’s reclaim these words. Let’s talk about this.

But then when you’re inserting race or gender or body size, etc into a conversation where the anecdote you’re about to tell me has nothing to do with those descriptors, you’re just bringing in that detail because you’re excited you saw a fat person. That we don’t need.

But how do you explain that nuance? This isn’t you making marginalized groups more visible, this is actually you othering a marginalized per