Host Anna Borges (The More Or Less Definitive Guide to Self-Care) is joined by Dr. Renee Lemus and Dr. Christina Rose–hosts of Las Doctoras podcast–about rewriting the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and rewiring the messaging that comes from the world about who we’re allowed to be. 

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Full Transcript

Anna Borges: Let’s kick things off by reading an old journal entry of mine from freshman year of high school. And I guess that comes with all of the disclaimers that you would expect.

[sighs] All right… I wrote…

I need to get my shit together. It sounds so easy, but why have I always failed so miserably? I don’t know how I let myself get so far behind, or why I can’t delay instant gratification, or when I got so fucking lazy. I know what I have to do. Why can’t I just do it? What is wrong with me?

I know I only wrote that in freshman year of high school because of the date at the top of the page. Because to be honest, like, I’ve probably written some variation of that a hundred times over in the decade and a half since then. And maybe you have too? Berating yourself for something - for not being good enough, or fast enough, or a million other things. And for me, it was my inability to focus, to accomplish my goals, to function, basically, the way that I thought I should be able to function because it seemed like everyone BUT ME could do it.

It was a recurring subplot in my journals for years.

And then, eventually—like 15 years later eventually—I got diagnosed with ADHD.

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[laughs] So…yeah. Which, that cleared a lot of things up in hindsight.

And while I felt some relief at having an explanation, I also felt this, like, sense of grief for this person I thought I knew. Like, how could it be that all of these core beliefs about myself, as unkind as they were, were suddenly just…wrong?

What do you do when you discover you’ve been an unreliable narrator of your own story this whole time?

Hey friends, what’s up?

I’m Anna Borges and this is Mood Ring, a practical guide to feelings—even when your feelings about yourself feel like cold hard facts.

Every episode, we’re exploring one new way to cope — with our feelings, with our baggage, with our brains, with the world around us. And with the unkind stories we tell ourselves about ourselves.

And today, we’re talking about how the stories we’ve told ourselves about ourselves can burrow their way into our brains and impact our self-worth and even our whole self-concept. And a lot of those narratives come from messages we get about who we’re supposed to be, or how we’re expected to function, or how our lived experiences fit the mold of what we’re told is normal or acceptable or right.

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After my diagnosis, I started to wonder, like: how many of us are carrying around stories that we believe wholeheartedly, stories that tell us we’re not good enough or smart enough or talented enough or worthy enough?

So this episode is about stories. Stories we tell ourselves and stories others tell us ABOUT ourselves, and how we can do the work to untangle it all.

To help us with all that untangling, I reached out to Dr. Renee Lemus and Dr. Christina Rose. Together, they host the podcast Las Doctoras and run a writing course that seeks to help students decolonize their writing and use storytelling as a form of healing. Through their work, they help people reclaim their voices and rewrite their stories in a way that’s authentic to them.

MUSIC FADE OUT

Anna: Dr. Lemus and Dr. Rose, thank you so much for joining me today! I'd love for us to just dive right in and start talking about these narratives that we have about ourselves and where they come from. Specifically, it can be this feedback loop, you know? Of … stories that we've been told about ourselves that we then go on to tell the world about who we are or tell ourselves about who we are. So kind of a big question, but how does the outside world and all of the messages that we receive from it impact our own messaging?

Dr. Lemus: You know we're, we're gender studies professors, right? We're women's studies professors. We're always going to have that feminist perspective on things and add that lens. I think a big, we've always named that a big part of what we do in our classes is to give language to our experiences, right. But I think we live in a world that wants to say that if we experienced oppression, it's our fault. It's something that we did wrong or we didn't do something right. And I think, or, or wants to gaslight our experience and say, no, you didn't experience that. Like, that you're [Anna: yeah] you're just being too sensitive. And so I think we always come in to say, like, to validate that experience and say, yes, you experienced sexism. Yes, you experienced racism. And to give language to things that we already know in our bodies, right. And, and validate those experiences as some, and to know where to place, not the blame, but to place our frustrations. And so I think for us, we, when it comes to our story, we can feel empowered to tell our story, because we know that … we're not the only ones experiencing it and it's not our fault. Right. It's not, it's not a flaw in us that we can't meet every need of our household and our children, because the structures of society don't give us enough support to do those things!

Anna: I, I, I work with therapists all day. So like, I'm like putting the answer out there as though I know it, but like, I imagine gaining awareness of these type of narratives and messages that you've internalized has to be this first step, because otherwise, how can you start to rewrite them? And so how, how can we start to gain that awareness?

Dr. Rose: Well we're learning, I think to check in with our bodies, you know [Anna: yeah!] I think our bodies can really tell us those things, you know? I think that, you know, again, that narrative that would have us basically sacrifice ourself for any cause, anything or just, I don't know. For, for labor, for, you know, the common good, for religion, for family and all these things. Really takes a toll on our whole being. And sometimes it is our body that can, can really give us the, the truthful and not like not, or a real, like it doesn't. I say, my, my body doesn't lie. You know, it's like the, the book, that, My Body Keeps the Score or something like that. But if my back hurts, you know, or if my shoulders hurt, like, that's undeniable, it's like, it's kind, it's not like I can, from this air, you know, earthy air perspective, kind of convince myself. I can just think about my feelings, right. We were talking about that too. Like, I actually need to feel them. I need to cry. And that's, so I know when I'm crying or I know when I actually do some things for my body that could be movement. It could actually be like artwork. It could be like meditation, it could be stretching. You know, I think that's, that's where I know I'm doing, I'm taking at least the first step, you know, and when my body talks to me and I listen, maybe that's even the, the, the step before.

Dr. Lemus: If we're tired, we're tired. Right. And we're going to, so I, I definitely think it starts with really just a lot of self-reflection. I wanted to say, I think another important part of this is like, where do we start is community. [Dr. Rose: Yes!] Who you [laughs] you, you've surrounded yourself with, because I mean, and, and I would say like, for me, there's different communities, right, that I'm in, and some give me this certain part that I need and this other, you know. But I think again, when you're in academia, right, or in any kind of, let's say mainstream or even corporate or whatever kind of environment that you don't feel is like your safe environment. You need somewhere to feel safe, where you can let go, where you can [laughs] you can call and rant and say, oh my God, I experienced this thing, you know? [laughs] Which is basically what our podcast is, is just about ranting about things. But I think community where you can feel safe, where they can validate your experiences. Where you have very similar values. Where you're invested in the same things and feel supported so that … you're not always having to be productive. Where you can pick up where each other left off. Because I have community, I'm able to validate my experiences more and I'm able to feel empowered in my story more because I'm not being gas- like society's gonna gaslight us all day long. So when you have a community and somebody to say, no, yes, you deserve to rest or you deserve … it's okay that you're angry. Then that just, ugh, it feels like you can, you know, rest a lot more. [Anna: oh!]

Dr. Rose: I just want to name that that's intentional too, like, you know? Just, you know, society, or like the Western framework really wants us to be like an, like a disembodied head that just like, like does stuff, you know, produces things…

Anna: …and questions our experience too.

Dr. Rose: And also yes. And it wants us to be isolated too. Like, it's, they do wanna create this abusive relationship dynamic where you can't reach out to y