If you have to choose between family life and career, which would you choose? What about relationship vs. success? Parenting vs. ambition? Settling down vs. living the dream?

Does it really have to be one or the other? What if your friends and family gave everything up so you can start somewhere?

Italian immigrants started coming to America on boats. Some arrived in Ellis Island, New York. Some in Texas. The Hungarians, Catholics, and many others did the same. Including Estonians.

I’m here today chatting with Stephanie Sarka and Eva Karlotta from 1 Atelier and Farm to Arm. Inspired by their long heritage of Italian, Hungarian, Estonian grandparents, new standards of what makes things handsome—and armed with a deep experience at Coach, Wall Street, Harvard, Stanford University, and a $1.6 billion sale of GoTo.com to Yahoo—

We talked about:

* The challenges and triumphs of being a late stage single parent

* Coming into the US from a small country for school or work

* What the Italian, Hungarian, and Estonian grandparents really had to say about immigrating to America, and many more.

Listen to this episode if you’re curious about ancient philosophies of life from the Italians, Hungarians, and Estonians. Especially immigrants who came to America with $20 in their pockets. And find out how they really did it.

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In case you’re out and about without WiFi later, download this episode now.

Music: Silhouettes by Tobias Voigt (License code: 8IDBGGC5WXLDYLAU)

Previously:

Backing their career without slashing yours: Disentangling the motivations for solo, modern, family, and married life in the US

In this episode:

On being a late stage single parent in the concrete jungle of New York

Navigating hard-to-live-up-to expectations of happy parenting

Fighting to have what you want, when you want it, how you want it

On changing our biology with fertility treatments and IVFs

On being multi-lingual, moving to the US for work or school from a small country

What people really misunderstood about moving to a new place and starting anew

How the Italians and Hungarians came to New York and Texas by boat

Old Ellis Island & New York immigration: What it’s really like

Italian and Estonian philosophy of life

On quiet determination, careful reservation, and the courage to continue walking

Episode 10 TRANSCRIPT

On being a late stage single parent in the concrete jungle of New York

THALIA TOHA

I want to start, Stephanie, actually with you and your daughter.

You are a late stage single mother. Which is, I mean, that is an accomplishment in and of itself. I think, because that is something that few people can do.

And so it's, it's kind of your own superpower there.

I'm kind of curious if you can tell us more about how that came about and what are some of the personal challenges that you may have faced.

STEPHANIE SARKA

She's nine and going on 19. All of a sudden the ripped jeans and the rolled eyes are starting. But anyhow, we got a firm handle.

THALIA TOHA

And did you have her while you're building 1 Atelier? Or is that something, did you have her before?

STEPHANIE SARKA

You know, when I got back from GoTo.com, which was just kind of massive in every way. But it was also just this total upheaval of my life.

The woman I'd worked with in the management team, one woman said, you just need to go and get a life. And I probably took her too seriously.

When I got back to New York, I really just thought, “You know, I'm not committing to anything.”

So I did a lot of things. But I always had one leg in and one leg out.

Cause you know, tomorrow I was going to either get married or be pregnant or both.

And I really didn't make it my mission when I got back to New York to just kind of get out there, you know, create the life that I was meant to have. And certainly initially I thought that was going to be with a husband. But you know, after being on the merry ground for many turns, uh, that just didn't sort out the way I was hoping it would.

And at least not with the right person.

Navigating “hard-to-live-up-to” expectations of happy parenting

STEPHANIE SARKA

I was crystal clear that I didn't want to be in one of the situations that were so stressful where it wasn't working. And I will be honest. I worked with somebody after a big breakup. I think she thought I had a very what's the word kind of aggrandized view of my parents marriage. And she'd always say things, “Oh, it sounds too good to be true.” Which was her kind of way of being provocative and trying to punch a hole in my balloon.

And then long story short, she saw a big photo book of when my family got together after my mom came out of all her cancer treatments.

And she started crying. And she said, “I get it. You have that family. I see it in your connectivity, your eyes, how you interact. And very few people get that marriage.

You know, there's a lot of compromises. And if you're looking for what your parents have, you should be prepared.”

The thing with California cryobankers, is that they're very egotistical. And they all think they have the magic bullet. So I probably had 10 rounds, you know, nobody should have that many rounds of IVF. So now I always worry about the consequences, which I constantly watch for. But every time you go to somebody, they know they can solve it.

So I just kind of worked that, you know, every couple rounds, I'd go to a new doctor. So I went to every major clinic in New York. You know, to the point where I kind of realized: I needed to have something important to wake up for in the morning.

And I was spending a lot of time working for a lot of other people, an investor here and advisor there. You know, a little bit here, I was working in China and London. I mean, I had this great jet setting life. And none of it was really my own, you know. I was making some money. I was investing and doing things I liked. But I thought, “Well, I need to get a real reason to wake up in the morning.”

And if it's not going to be a child, then …

Or I'm going to find a child in a different way than I thought. And then, you know, lo and behold, I went to a doctor in New Jersey, and got pregnant.

Fighting to have what you want, when you want it, how you want it: On changing our biology and fertility treatments

THALIA TOHA

And how long was that process of, I know with fertility treatments, you never know.

And it could be anything from a couple of months to years.

STEPHANIE SARKA

Yeah. It becomes consuming.

THALIA TOHA

And I think the thing that a lot of people don't know is that with fertility treatments changes your biology, it really disrupts your life in major ways.

STEPHANIE SARKA

It does. And also it just changes your life view, right? Because I always had this vision of what that was going to look like. And now, you know, clearly I'm raising a child on my own, which I never had a concern about really. But not having a child was a bigger issue.

It just kind of rocked my world. First, I just always loved children. I was babysitting newborns at 10 years old. And so I've always been in that milieu. And that was just in my mind a big part of what i wanted my life to be. Secondly,  If I was completely rational—which I wasn't sometimes when I was thinking about this because it gets very emotional—as you may know, if you're ambitious and a driven person, you just think you haven't found the magic formula yet.

But if you work hard or talk to more doctors, stand on your head while you're drinking wheat grass juice, you know, whatever it is today: that you're going to have that baby. And maybe that's true, because I had my baby.

But on the other hand, I went through some crazy contortions. But I knew at some point, if I really wanted to, I could get married still. The child thing, I knew, even if it wasn't biologically, at some point, it's just not realistic.

I kind of think I'm on the cutting edge of on the cusp of what's even realistic or ethical, you know. And you want to be around and be a vital, active participant in their lives, you know. And I'm on the bikes and the scooters.

On being multi-lingual, moving to the US for work or school from a small country

THALIA TOHA

Because there's so much pressure for women nowadays to have amazing careers.

And of course, if you're in New York and the coasts, and you have all these aspirations and ambitions that you want to do as well, right?

And I'm not saying you, but the general “you.” Then you kind of start looking at that time frame and understanding, “Oh, okay, well, there's some sacrifices to be made.”

Not necessarily the ones that you want to make as well. And for me, in the early years, that's definitely how it was. I don't know if you felt that way as well.

I felt like, well, I don't really want to you know stay away from my work too, too long. I want to do a good job with it. But then I also want to be a good parent. But there's also that very human reaction. And I think the result is where you realize that sometimes it feels like you're kind of not doing a great job at either, you know.

But I wanted to actually ask you later in just a little bit—I'll go to you Eva in just a minute here—about your family structure. Because es