Want to know our favorite STDs? The world’s most horrifying diseases? “Mackenzie FitzGerald”, doctor and assistant professor of infectious disease at [prestigious NYC hospital], talks to us about all things terrifying. We learn how to avoid hypochondria (hint: see episode title), when not to slap people, and why Ben chooses to live in filth.

We wonder, is the size of the dog that bit you positively correlated to the pleasure of the sexual experience you just had?  Did Ben catch asthma from Alap? Also, does it smell fishy in here, or is that just crystal blue persuasion?

Ultimately, we hear a real New York doctor’s hopes and dreams, and discover that Web MD is never, ever our friend.

But first, "Mackenzie" gives us chapstick that doesn’t prevent AIDS.