Nicole Penrod is an associate marriage and family therapist in California's Bay Area. She has ADHD and is in a relationship with someone on the autism spectrum, bringing both professional and personal experience to neurodivergent dating and relationships.

Deconstructing Harmful Messages

Nicole introduces the "map of messages" exercise to identify sources of harmful narratives about normalcy. This involves mapping out all messages received about one's neurodivergence, examining their sources, and critically evaluating which beliefs to keep or discard. This helps separate inherited societal messages from personal truths.

Building Counter-Narratives

Using narrative therapy principles, Nicole suggests finding "unique outcomes" - moments when negative self-stories weren't true. By strengthening positive counter-narratives through evidence of resilience, capability, and support systems, the old harmful stories naturally diminish.

Values-Based Dating Approach

Instead of fear-based dating focused on potential rejection, Nicole advocates identifying core values (autonomy, generosity, kindness) and actively living them out in dating contexts. This shifts focus from "will they like me?" to "how can I show up authentically?"

Vulnerability as Strength

Vulnerability builds meaningful connections but requires practice and boundaries. Nicole suggests starting with small authentic shares and gradually increasing depth as relationships develop, always maintaining personal comfort levels.

Attachment Patterns

She identifies four attachment styles affecting dating: secure, anxious (reassurance-seeking), avoidant (withdrawal when close), and disorganized (conflicting behaviors). Understanding these patterns helps recognize relationship dynamics.

Reframing Rejection

Dating is described as "a losing game on purpose" where rejection provides valuable compatibility information. Each "no" brings you closer to the right "yes," making rejection part of the successful dating process.

Dating as Self-Discovery

Nicole's key advice: treat dating as an experiment in self-understanding and self-acceptance rather than choosing between self-work and finding love. Use dating experiences to practice being the person you want to be.

Nicole Penrod's website

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