Do you ever wake up with tension in your body because you know your child will want to play the moment you walk out of your bedroom?

 

Do you spend time with your child but think about all the chores you should be doing instead?

 

Parent Aija came to a (FREE!) Beyond The Behavior coaching call with exactly this challenge. She plays with her four-and-a-half-year-old son a lot. But she doesn't enjoy it. And she has big feelings of guilt and shame about that.

 

What starts as a question about setting boundaries and making time for herself becomes something much deeper. We discover that Aija's struggle with play isn't really about play at all.

 

When we explore what makes Special Time so hard, we uncover sadness and grief that Aija didn't even realize was there. The messages she received as a child about productivity and being a "good" future wife and mother are still running in the background, making it really hard for her to be present with her son. But we also find three concrete strategies that help Aija see a way forward.

 

By the end of our conversation, her entire demeanor has shifted. She's smiling. She has a plan. We’ll uncover the key reasons why playing with our kids is hard, and how to get the most out of this important time.

 

Questions This Episode Will Answer

What is parenting guilt? Parenting guilt shows up when you think you "should" enjoy something but you don't. As Aija describes it: "I don't enjoy just spending time playing. My kids, that's terrible. But it seems that no matter how much Special Time we have, it's not enough for him." It's the gap between the parent you think you're supposed to be and the reality of your experience.

 

Why do I have parenting guilt about not enjoying play? Parenting guilt often comes from comparing yourself to others and from messages you received growing up. When Aija watches her husband play easily with their son, she thinks "I want to be like that" - but that comparison triggers shame, which makes it even harder to make decisions aligned with your values.

 

What is Special Time with your child? Special Time is consistent daily dedicated one-on-one time with your child where they get to choose the activity. The purpose is to meet their need for autonomy, along with their needs for connection, joy, and fun.

 

How is Special Time linked to my child’s behavior?  Even just spending 10 minutes consistently with your child can have enormous benefits on their connection with you (and thus their behavior in situations outside of Special Time).  Many of the behaviors that parents find irritating (resisting leaving the house in the morning, annoying behaviors, hitting siblings, bedtime stalling) are kids’ best attempt to connect with us - when they do these things, we pay attention to them.  When we do Special Time, they’ll likely stop using these behaviors to get your attention/connection.

 

What are the benefits of Special Time? Special Time meets your child's needs for connection, joy, play, and autonomy. When children get their connection needs met consistently, they're less likely to use challenging behaviors to get your attention. As we discover in Aija's situation, her son's morning behaviors (taking her bookmark, throwing blankets over her head) are his way of trying to get connection time.

 

How to do Special Time with kids? Special Time should ideally be 10 minutes of consistent daily play where the child gets to choose the activity.  The consistency is really important.  It’s much better to do 10 minutes daily than an hour on an unpredictable basis.  This communicates to your child: “You’re special.  I love you and I want to spend time with you.”

 

How to make Special Time easier? Three strategies can help: First, offer activities you actually enjoy doing together as the default options - for Aija, that meant suggesting Legos or painting first. Second, use Special Time as your mindfulness practice by noticing when your mind wanders to thoughts about chores or productivity, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Third, have problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges to find strategies that meet everyone's needs.

 

Why does my child whine, cry, and tantrum at the end of Special Time? They do these things because they enjoy it so much - and because they don’t know when they’ll get to have this amazing experience with you again.  When you tell them: “Well have Special Time again tomorrow” and then actually do it, they learn to trust you and they stop protesting when it’s over.

 

What causes productivity guilt? Productivity guilt comes from cultural conditioning. As Aija discovered when exploring her childhood: "I think as I got older, it was more about school. You have to get good grades and you have to learn certain skills to function as a future mom." When you're taught that your worth comes from being productive, play can seem like a waste of time.

 

Why do I feel guilty when I'm unproductive? The belief that you should always be productive usually comes from how you were raised. Aija realized: "Play is not productive. Yeah, it seems that's how I grew up." When rest or play triggers thoughts about chores you "should" be doing instead, that's this conditioning at work.

 

How do you meet your needs and your child's needs at the same time? Start by identifying what needs each person has. Then have a problem-solving conversation where everyone describes their ideal experience. Look for strategies that address multiple needs at once - like offering five minutes of connection first thing in the morning to meet your child's need for connection, which then makes it easier for them to give you the time and space you want to drink your coffee and read.

 

How do needs influence behavior? When children's needs aren't met, they find strategies to get those needs met - sometimes through behaviors we find challenging. A child who steals your bookmark or throws blankets over your head is meeting their need for connection by making sure you notice them and don't forget about spending time together.

 

How can I set boundaries with family members without damaging relationships? Boundaries work best as a second-line tool, after you've tried to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. When you meet your child's needs most of the time, they're much more willing to accept boundaries in the moments when you can't meet both of your needs. You may also find you want to set fewer boundaries because when everyone's needs are being met more often, there are fewer moments of conflict.

 

How to get rid of parental guilt? Instead of trying to eliminate guilt, get curious about where it comes from. What messages did you receive growing up about play, productivity, and what makes you valuable? Then work on meeting both your needs and your child's needs through problem-solving conversations and choosing activities you genuinely enjoy doing together. Using playtime as mindfulness practice can also help - noticing thoughts about what you "should" be doing and bringing yourself back to the present moment.

 

Why do I experience play resistance with my child? Play resistance often comes from messages you received growing up about the value of productivity versus play. As Aija discovered, when you were taught to focus on school, achievement, and preparing to be a future spouse and parent, "play is not productive" becomes a deeply ingrained belief that's hard to shake, even when you're with your own child.

 

What You'll Learn in This Episode

You'll hear a real coaching conversation with parent Aija, who doesn't enjoy playing with her son and has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. You'll discover:

• Why disliking play often isn't about the play itself, but about the messages you received growing up about productivity and your worth
• How comparing yourself to your partner (who seems to play effortlessly) can trigger shame that makes it even harder to be present with your child
• The connection between childhood grief and difficulty setting boundaries with your own children
• Three specific strategies to make Special Time more enjoyable: focusing on activities you actually like doing together, using playtime as mindfulness practice, and having problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges
• Why your child's challenging morning behaviors (like stealing your bookmark or throwing blankets over your head - as well as behaviors like resisting leaving the house, doing things you find annoying, hitting siblings, and resisting bedtime) are actually bids for connection
• How to structure an "ideal morning" conversation with your family that identifies everyone's needs and finds strategies to meet them
• Why boundaries should be your second-line tool, not your default approach
• How meeting your child's needs more consistently actually makes them more receptive to boundaries when you do need to set them

 

Beyond The Behavior Coaching Calls

Want coaching like this for yourself?

These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 9 AM Pacific, and they're completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you're facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents.

 

We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can't make it live, don't worry - recordings are available inside the Parenting Membership where they're searchable by topic.

 

There's no commitment. We'll send you a reminder before each call, and you can join if it wo