Waking Up Dreading the Day

Mother-Daughter Problems

Patients Who Are Afraid of Their Feelings

Romantic Problems, and More

Questions for today:

1. Rose asks: I wake up dreading the day. What can I do?!
2. Maggie integrates TEAM-CBT with prayer and asks for help with mother / daughter issues.
3. Simon asks: “How can we deal with patients who are afrad of their feelings?”
4. Amanda asks: “Help! I have a romantic relationship conflict! What should I do?”
5. Aaron asks: Why are feelings of depression and anxiety correlated? In other words, why do they frequently go hand in hand?

The following questions and answers were written prior to the live podcast. Make sure you listen to the podcast to get the full answers, including role-play demonstrations, and so forth.

 

1. Rose asks: I wake up dreading the day. What can I do?!

Hi David,

I've been reading your book, "Feeling Good," for help with my anxiety ever since my 100-year-old mom moved in with me.  Your techniques are helping, but every morning I wake up anxious, dreading starting my day.  Is there a technique to help with this?

I really am working to change my thoughts from negative to more positive thanks to you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Rose

David’s reply

In my book, Feeling Good, I urge people to write down your negative thoughts, and emphasize that it won’t work very well unless you do this. Many people refuse. How about you? What were the thoughts you wrote down when you woke up feeling upset and dreading your day.

Could use as an Ask David on a podcast if you like.

Best, david

Rose wrote: Thanks for your speedy reply.  I'm new at this and just started reading the book yesterday, but I will start writing down my thoughts.  Thanks for your help.

1. Maggie integrates TEAM-CBT with prayer and asks for help with mother / daughter issues.

Dear Dr. Burns,

I want to begin by expressing my deep gratitude for your work, which has had a profound impact on my life. Your book Feeling Good: The Workbook helped me overcome a very dark period of depression after being diagnosed with infertility. It truly transformed my mental health, and I continue to rely on your techniques—especially your list of cognitive distortions, which I use often to stay grounded.

Your podcast has also been a great resource for me, and I’ve noticed recent episodes touching on the self and spirituality, which caught my attention in a special way. I felt compelled to share something personal with you. While your methods gave me the tools to change my thinking, I also found solace and strength through my faith. Prayer was an essential part of my healing process, and for me, it provided something beyond my own power. In moments when I felt I couldn’t make it through on my own, the belief that there is a God I can turn to brought me peace and comfort.

Both your work and my faith were crucial in my journey. Your research and teachings helped me take control of my thoughts, but my relationship with God gave me hope when I needed it most. I believe that the combination of these two—your scientifically backed methods and the power of prayer—made a tremendous difference in my recovery.

I’m also excited about your app, but as someone living in Honduras, I was unable to download it. I would love to know if there are plans to make it available outside the U.S. in the near future, as it would be an incredible resource for me and others in similar situations.

Lastly, can I make a suggestion for a podcast subject?  Mother daughter issues. I really need help in this area of my life.

Thank you for your dedication to helping others. I hope that sharing my experience offers some insight into how both your studies and faith in something greater can bring peace and healing.

With gratitude,

Maggie

David’s reply

Thanks, and we’d love to read part of your beautiful note, with or without your correct first name, on a podcast.

If you can give me a more specific example of the mother daughter issue you want help with, it would make it much easier to respond in a sensible way!

Warmly, david

Maggie responded

Dear Dr. Burns,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and for asking me to clarify my suggestion regarding mother-daughter issues. I deeply love my mother, and I know she means well, but our relationship has become increasingly challenging as she gets older.

One of the major difficulties I face is her tendency to offer passive-aggressive criticism, which leaves me feeling undermined. I’ve always known her to be this way—she was never very affectionate, and I’ve gotten used to that. However, lately, it feels like it’s getting worse. She’s hard of hearing, even with a hearing aid, and often adopts a “my way or the highway” attitude, which makes conversations with her exhausting. Simple moments where I hope to share something exciting are often met with dismissive or critical remarks.

Here are three examples of the kind of interactions that affect me:

1. I recently purchased tickets for a trip to Australia with friends, and her response was to ridicule my choice, saying that Spain or Italy is a much more beautiful destination. I had just bought the tickets, and all I wanted was for her to share in my excitement.
2. I sent her a picture of a new piece of art I was excited about, and her immediate reaction was, “I liked the other one better. That one doesn’t match the color of the walls.”
3. As I was about to leave for a party with my husband, she commented, “Don’t you think you’re wearing too much makeup?”

These kinds of remarks constantly make me feel inadequate, and it’s emotionally draining. As a result, I’ve found myself avoiding calling or visiting her. However, this leads to feelings of guilt, especially because I love my father very much, I enjoy his peaceful company and wise conversation and advice, and not visiting them also affects my relationship with him.

What I struggle with most is that I know I might regret not spending enough time with her as she gets older, even though she isn’t sick or dying. I just don’t know how to manage the criticism without feeling constantly undermined, and I’d appreciate any advice you might offer on how to navigate this dynamic while preserving my sense of self-worth.

Thank you again for your time and for the incredible impact your work has had on my life.

With gratitude,

Maggie

David’s reply

I notice you’re pointing the finger of blame at her. If you want to shift things, it can be helpful to examine your role. I’m attaching a copy of the Relationship Journal. Please do three of these, one for each example below. You already have half of Step 1—what, exactly, did she say. To complete Step 1, circle all the feelings you think she may have been feeling.

Then complete Steps 2 and 3, which should be fairly easy.

Then I can take a look, and we’ll see what we can figure out, if you’d like. Also, this will not be therapy, but general teaching. LMK if that’s okay.

Best, david

Here are the three examples she provided, along with how she responded to her mom:

Three Maggie examples of interactions with her mother (Ask David podcast)

#1 Mom said: Dear, I would never have thought of Australia as a destination. I would much rather fly to Italy or Spain, filled with culture, art, and great food. Sydney would be the LAST place I’d want to visit!

I replied: Well, mom, we’ve already been to those places, and we love a great adventure, and we’re really excited by the outdoors.

#2 Just as we were about to leave, Mom said: “Don’t you think you’re wearing too much make up?”

I replied: I probably am, I didn’t notice (and rushed immediately to my room to remove it.)

#3 I share a piece of art I brought home, and Mom said: “I liked the one you had before. It matched the walls much better than this one. Why did you change it? Who is the artist?”

I replied: “Well, we have to like it because it’s the only wall in the house where it will fit, so we’re just going to have to live with it.”

1. Simon asks: “How can we deal with patients who are afraid of their feelings?”

Dear Dr. David Burns, Hi, my name is Simon and I'm a clinical psychologist from Chile, sorry if my English is kind of broken, it isn't my first language. First of all, I want to tell you how grateful I am for your great work and all the knowledge you give to the general public for free. Of course I also must praise the work of the entire team working at the podcast (which I am the biggest fan from my country). I hope one day I can be a certified team cbt therapist myself in the future, but that would be a different story. I think the world needs more people with such a love for mental health and I hope I can continue to listen to your content for more years to come.

Today I wanted to ask you guys some questions related to feelings. I have applied some