In this episode (#311), we respond to a vulnerable question from an addict early in recovery who wonders whether years of porn use have permanently damaged his ability to see his wife as the most attractive person in his life. He worries that neurological “chemical bonding” to porn images and body types means he will always be more attached to fantasy than to his real partner—and that his wife may be committing to a lifetime of being second-best. We affirm that pornography does significantly impact the brain, altering arousal templates and reinforcing dopamine-driven bonding to novelty and visual stimulation. However, this chemical bonding represents only one small aspect of human attachment, and the brain is both neuroplastic and capable of profound healing and expansion in recovery.

We then challenge the cultural illusion that attraction is purely biological, automatic, and based solely on physical appearance. From movies to music to porn, society teaches an adolescent model of attraction that reduces human beings to bodies and chemistry and frames attraction as something that “just happens” to us. This narrow view leaves people powerless and sets relationships up to fail—especially when addiction is layered on top. In contrast, we describe attraction as a force that can be cultivated, expanded, diminished, or redirected based on what we value and where we invest our energy. Attraction grows through curiosity, presence, appreciation, and intentional engagement—not through comparison or novelty-seeking.

Finally, we emphasize that the real question is not whether a partner can “compete” with porn, but whether the addict is willing to fundamentally change how they understand and practice attraction. Porn never teaches holistic attraction—it teaches consumption without connection. In recovery, addicts are invited to truly see their partner as a whole human being, appreciating not just physical appearance but character, sacrifice, shared history, and emotional depth. The prognosis for attraction is not fixed or predetermined; it is shaped by choice, maturity, and investment. When attraction is approached holistically, porn cannot compete—and many addicts find that what they feared was lost forever is something they are only just beginning to discover.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to:   After Years of Porn Use, Will I Ever See My Partner as the 'Most Attractive" Person in My Life?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services