Behavior is a smoke alarm

Update: 2023-10-16

Description

There are lots of parenting experts talking about choosing connection over discipline, but today’s guest on My New Life has a fresh take on limit-setting: She compares bad behavior to a smoke alarm going off. Punishment is like taking a hose and pointing it at the alarm. If the pressure is great enough, the alarm will stop. But we still don’t know why it went off in the first place. We need to find the fire!

Obstetric Social Worker and Parent Educator Genevieve Muir joins Host Jessica Rolph to provide tips on finding the origin of these emotional flare ups. You can find Gen @connectedparentingau.

Takeaways:

Gen reminds us that you need to name it to tame it. There’s no modifying challenging behavior without figuring out the root cause.
No matter what the behavior, children are never choosing to get it wrong. If they’re acting out, chances are good they need more connection with you. They are seeking that connection 24 hours a day, and they will seek it any way they can.
If your child’s not okay, they probably don’t want us to fix it or solve it or make it better. They actually just want us to acknowledge their struggle: “You’re really not happy about the Nutella, huh?” It’s as simple as that. Or, for an older child, you can dig a bit deeper: “I can see you’re really struggling with this Nutella and I’m wondering if you’re a little bit nervous about going to a new camp today? That can feel scary.”
Gen likes the phrase “I won’t let you hit” rather than something like “in this family, we don’t hit”. Not only does it clearly communicate to the child that they have crossed a boundary, it reminds you that your role is now to step in and keep everybody safe. She says setting boundaries with toddlers is most effective with a calm, but very much in control, physical presence.
Remember, one-on-one time can go a long way toward diffusing sibling conflict. Rivalries generally stem from a child feeling like they aren’t getting enough of your attention.