This podcast episode is a little different. Many of us are re-entering lockdowns, again feeling separated from our communities, and maybe even wondering what’s the point of it all. Looking ahead at a difficult winter, wondering how we’ll make it through. 

So, I wanted to take a moment, inspired by the season of giving thanks on Thanksgiving, to share my story. The last time I shared my own story on the podcast was episode 12 in June, right after I made the decision to close the studios. Since then, I’ve spent the summer healing, growing, and discovering. I have tried to write this story many times this summer. But now I am ready. The story is ready. And I think the time is right. 

This episode is not a glossy highlight reel of good things. It’s messy and sad at times, but with what I think is an ending of optimism. I hope my story will give you a sense of hope in this dark time. So come along for this ride with me. 

I am grateful for 2020 in all of its dumpster fire glory 🔥💩 For helping me discover what truly matters, for helping me find my confidence, and for seriously making me a stronger person. For helping me reach my goals: New ideas, new experiences, and confidence.

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Before we get to the show, let’s take our Broche Bite! 

But first, let’s take our Broche Bite

Well, today, it’s more of a nibble. Just a quick quote from Bob Iger, former CEO of Disney:

“Optimism emerges from faith in yourself. It's not about saying things are good when they're not, and it's not about conveying blind faith that "things will work out," it's about *believing* in your abilities.”

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This year has been a challenging year for us all, but I am grateful for the entire experience and wouldn’t trade the events of 2020 for anything. That may sound unbelievable, but stay with me and I’ll explain it all.

At the end of 2019, my goals for 2020 were:

✅ New ideas 

✅ New experiences 

✅ Confidence

But like .... I envisioned trying some new restaurants, learning how to go upside down in pole dancing, reading self-help books, and introducing some new services at the studio 😂

So yeah. Spoiler alert: 2020 kind of gave me what I wanted in a weird and twisted way 🤨 I am not religious, but I can’t help but hear the phrase: “God works in mysterious ways” 🤔😂🧐

Anyways, why did I pick these 3 goals? It’s hard to explain what led me to these goals without giving you a picture of where I started this year, so let me backup a bit.

For those of you who are new to Broche Ballet, first of all, welcome! Second of all, I’ll give you an overview of the journey that led me here.

I started ballet at the age of 17 in San Diego. I don’t remember the exact reasons and I don’t recall a lifelong obsession with ballet, but I do remember that I was bored and tired of everything to do with high school.. Tired of marching and concert band where I had played flute, euphonium and was drum major, and was ready for a new challenge. I wanted to try something that would be the hardest possible thing I could think of. I thought of ballet, since I was (and still am) very clumsy, inflexible, and rather infamous for being generally uncoordinated. 

So, one day, I bought a leotard and tights from the mall, and went to an adult beginner class at the California Ballet with Oscar, in a studio wedged between two car dealerships. I was thrilled that I had a job and a little extra money to try a new hobby. I immediately fell in love and felt at home. It was so challenging, the music was so lovely, and all of the problems of life seemed to melt away while my mind was busy puzzling at the barre. I was totally confused and had no idea what was going on, but I loved it. For me, ballet has always been introspective for me, a time when my mind can be calm and quiet which is a nice change of pace from its usual state of chaos and mayhem. 

I think we all have a sort of “Je Ne Sais Quoi“ about ballet, where we know we love it, but can’t quite pinpoint concretely why. I call it the ultimate trap … it’s insanely hard, but we love it and can’t stop doing it even though we have no idea why!

So back when I was 17, many of my peers knew what they wanted to do with their lives, but I had no idea. All I knew was that I didn’t want to sit at a desk all day, that I had many different and seemingly random interests, and that I loved to be busy. I often struggled to name any single one thing I enjoyed, and had no idea what I’d choose for a college major.

All of the grownups in my life told me I’d be hard-pressed to find something that scratched all those itches and that I ought to just get used to the idea of a regular desk job.

Around the time I started ballet, I serendipitously received a letter in the mail inviting me to a scholarship program in New York City to study computer science at Pace University. I didn’t necessarily have a passion for computer science, but I did enjoy math, physics, and languages, so studying computer science wasn’t completely out of left field. I didn’t know what I’d major in, so I was also open to ideas. 

And, it was a pipe dream of mine to live in Manhattan after I had been on a short 8th grade trip there. I remember getting off the bus at probably the age of 13 in Times Square and thinking “Wow, this is it! This is home, I‘ve made it!” The buzz, the lights, the people, the excitement, the theater, I was enamored! Of course, when I got home and told my parents I wanted to live in Manhattan, they thought I was nuts. 

But when that letter from Pace University arrived, it was perfect. We have no idea how Pace found me, since I hadn’t taken the SAT’s or anything yet, but life is funny. 

So I accepted the offer. I moved across the country to live in Manhattan and study Computer Science. It was not without tears, and I remember the moment of despair when I realized that I’d never live with my parents again.

Once I arrived in New York City, I kept piecing my ballet training together with a combination of open adult classes all over the city, private lessons with an incredible instructor named Beth who would eventually give me my start in teaching, and sort of stumbling (or maybe you’d say sneaking) into the Dance Minor program at Pace University. Nearing the end of college, I auditioned all over town for summer intensives that accepted people in their early twenties, and ended up attending 3 of them -- Central Pennsylvania Youth Ballet, Gelsey Kirkland Intensive, and Kat Wildish’s Performing Intensive. During that time, I still harbored dreams of becoming a professional dancer, all the while still