Voice-to-Text Translation. Please excuse errors.

Take time to pray. It is the sweet oil that eases the hinge into the garden so the doorway can swing open easily. You can always go there. Consider yourself blessed. These stones that break your bones will build an altar of your love. Your home is the garden. Carry its odor hidden in you into the city. Suddenly your enemies will buy seed packets and fall to their knees to plant flowers in the dirt by the road. They'll call you friend and honor your passing among them. And when asked who's that, they'll say, oh, that one has been beloved by us since before time began. Give everything away, except your garden, your worry, your fear, your small-mindedness. Your garden can never be taken from you.

Welcome back to the imperfect Buddhist. My name is Matthew Hawk Mahoney, and today's episode is titled Buddhism and anxiety. I've been working from home for the last year and two months. I've been trying to find any way to get out of the house. So the other night, my wife suggested that we get ice cream, and I never turn down ice cream, unfortunately.

And there's a little local spot here in Jacksonville, Florida called Dreamette. It's been there since the 1950s. It's a cool little old-school spot. A neighborhood called Edgewood, and we like going there. It's fun. A lot of families there and we walk around the neighborhoods , we showed up, and they were closed.

So we went to a part of town that we don't usually go to much busier. There's a main highway there. It's a brand new mall area, so there's a lot of traffic, a lot of people, and we got our ice cream. Of course, I got a pumpkin spice-flavored ice cream. I'm basic. I know. And we sat down in front of Coldstone.

I just took in what was going on around me. I saw all this traffic flying by, people coming and going and really loud cars out on the highway.

I had a little flashback to when I worked in customer service. I had a couple of customer service jobs. One of the busiest was Starbucks drive-through & cafe. And that has to be the busiest job I've ever worked. I still sometimes have nightmares about making pumpkin spice, lattes, or caramel frappuccinos with extra caramel.

I had this flashback to all the anxiety I used to experience, and even experiencing the anxiety of that present moment where there's so much going on. So many people going here and there and loud sounds and an ugliness that comes along with roads, pavement and new construction before the decorative plants, have had time to grow.

You end up with this very industrial feel. So I was struck a bit by how anxious things feel in society , not only in. our life when we're out in the marketplace, for instance, at a little strip mall that I was at, but also in media, YouTube, for instance, I see these financial podcasters that I've watched from time to time.

Every time I'm on there now it's like the great collapse is coming. China's economy is destroyed and how to prepare for the, the great impending doom. Apocalyp. And it's tempting to click on 'em sometimes, but then I'm just like, what the heck? And so there's just this flavor of anxiousness. There's a thick schmear of anxiety.

 Lately in my life, I've been a bit cloistered. I've been. In my home office, which is also my music studio and podcasting studio. I have up these sound panels, these four inch thick base traps that absorb a lot of sound. And to me it feels pretty darn peaceful in here , but it wasn't always like that.

 From the age of 19 to 24, I experienced deep sometimes paralyzing states of anxiety and panic attacks. I turned 18 years old. I dropped out of high school to join a band. And this was my dream, but this where the really deep experiences of anxiety started to happen.

My introduction of adult life, like what it meant to be in charge of myself and also open to all of the things that can happen. And the, the, all the responsibilities that come along with being an. Touring around smoking at least a pack a day of cigarettes eating really terrible food.

Like McDonald's whatever was available. Maybe sometimes we'd stay at someone's house and they'd make those Dino nuggets. Have you ever had those Dino nuggets? Just chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs touring around. I wasn't taking this medication that I had been on since I was 14 years old.

It was. Antidepressant antipsychotic anti-anxiety was called Paxil. I started to have these experiences of just like fear deep states of doom later, later discovered it's called a panic attack. And so experiencing that around a group of guys, I really didn't know that. Well, it was really hard to navigate.

I was on my own in this touring band, playing guitar every night. Experiencing deep levels of anxiety, fear, like, what am I gonna do? I don't really have a job. Flash forward about a year, I ended up leaving the band partially because of the anxiety I'm in. Grant's pass.

It's my mother and my stepfather's wedding. This was 2008. At that point, the anxiety is paralyzing. I'm so deep into my own head, having compulsive images, where I would see someone's face fall off or see myself stabbing a knife into someone's neck, the imagery in my mind.

 This was really scary because I'm like, what the hell? What's going on deep states of not only anxiety, but I think maybe there were O C, D or something going on where compulsive images were popping into my mind. And I'm like, no, I don't wanna see this. My sister-in-law who was there for the wedding, Cheryl.

Gave me this book called the power of now, by Eckert toll. It's all about present moment awareness. And that was the beginning of my present moment awareness exploration. Flash forward another five, six months. I'm starting to practice some of this mindfulness stuff. I really don't understand the concepts that well, the whole concept of present moment awareness and trying to bring your attention to the sensations of this moment and the reality of this moment, it felt very foreign.

And if you're new to practicing mindfulness or Buddhism, I could understand that feeling or it's like, what are you talking about? it's not really something tangible. It's not something easily understood with the mind. It's something that you have to experience for yourself, but flash forward another six months, I'm working at Starbucks, a very busy, very crazy location.

Hundreds of customers per shift, hundreds of drinks, go, go, go, go, go do this, do that, do this, do that refill. This pump, this syrup, steam, this milk. Sweep the floor clean the bathroom. It's crazy. And in the midst of this, I'm trying to practice a mindful awareness, trying to be present with what's happening not only that, but then having the external pressures.

For management like Matt, you need to smile more or Matt, you need to interact more with people. I just, I obviously wasn't a very good vibe fit for Starbucks because I'm this depressed anxious kid who maybe even looks weird because he is trying so hard to be present in the midst of all this chaos.

So it was a really awkward time, an awkward time to be trying to practice this stuff. But. I believe it saved my life. I believe. I don't know if I would, maybe I wouldn't be dead, but I would be in a much different place. I imagine it would be a much darker place if I hadn't started coming back to some type of tangible truth, something that I could touch and experience on a daily basis.

And that's what mindfulness brought for. And some of my anxiety kind of manifested and attached itself to some type of O C D thinking or imagery that would pop into my mind. And it was torturous at times, having a weird double punch of, seeing some terrible image, including my nephew, maybe a knife or something being stabbed into him.

Seeing that alone , nobody wants to have to imagine that or see that. Adding to that, , oh my gosh, the fear around, you know, is this something I'm gonna do? Is this something I want to do? , am I becoming some type of evil murderous person? the third painful part of it is like, I can't talk to anybody about this.

They're gonna think I'm crazy. They're gonna think I'm a murderer. So you have all these compounding mental issues. The freedom that mindfulness and practice gave me was able to see that and to realize that wasn't me. It was a time I was desperately needing to know that my mind and my thoughts and imagery in my mind, or worries or whatever were not me.

I desperately needed to know that. And so I clung to that philosophy. It was the perfect antidote to. What I was experiencing. I don't know if I would be as deep into this practice if it wasn't for those experiences, because , in a lot of ways, if things are going great, you think you're hot shit.

You really believe in yourself you have all these images of success for yourself. you really believe people think you're the coolest person in the room and you're handsome and you're wealthy or you're gonna be really, we. Nothing wrong, with some of these thoughts, but if you really believe all that, it's hard to hear a philosophy or a teaching that says you are not your thoughts, because that's like, that's really hard to let go of all that that's like so important.

So much a part of what you think is real and it creates this story in your mind. So it's hard to let. Of identity when you feel like your identity's pretty cool, but in my situation, I was afraid of my identity or I was afraid of the thought