In just three days, Apple will hold a press event to announce its latest round of new products. We’ve seen the artwork, we’ve read the tagline (“Awe Dropping”), and we can be pretty sure the iPhone 17 will make an appearance. But everything else is shrouded in mystery.

Until now. Yes, that’s right. Once again, Macworld sent a team of hard-bitten journalists to rummage through the bins at Apple Park, and once again, they hit pay dirt: the full presentation script, storyboards, rehearsal tapes, props, costumes, one of those old-timey movie clapperboards, and several half-eaten sandwiches. We’ve eaten the sandwiches and used the rest to painstakingly construct a minute-by-minute simulation of the iPhone 17 launch event, which you can enjoy below.

Just to be 100 percent clear, this isn’t real. Our “script” is based on detailed analysis of credible leaks and rumors, with a few (hopefully obvious) jokes mixed in. Please don’t send in any more angry emails.

Introductory guff

09:58 a.m.: We’re live! The pre-stream is up and running. If you’re thinking the music sounds familiar, it’s “Platitude Queen” by Onion Terror. Which of course was used earlier this year in the opening credits of Apple TV+’s gritty remake of “Keeping Up Appearances.” What a triumphant performance that was from Margot Robbie.

10:00 : The stream proper begins. Cut to a darkened city street. A young woman is jogging from streetlight to streetlight, glancing periodically at the workout stats on her Apple Watch Ultra. (Is that a bigger watch, or a small actress?) “You can do this!” the watch says, surprisingly. “Just one mile to go. Vitals steady. Plenty of energy left. You’re on track to beat your personal best!”

10:02 : A middle-aged man on a graffitied subway train taps his AirPods. “Adjusting audio,” it says. “Blocking out the annoying guy next to you.” Now he’s in a restaurant. “Translating from Cantonese,” the headphones report, and he begins to order.

10:04 : An elderly woman takes out her iPhone–which is in a case, so it’s hard to get a clear view of the design–and summons Siri. “Has there ever been a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?” she asks. “Still no,” Siri replies wearily.

10:06 : And now the camera is flying through the clouds above Apple Park. It swoops down, and there, standing in front of the familiar rainbow sculpture, is Apple CEO Tim Cook. “Good morning!” he says. “We’ve got a fantastic show for you today.”

10:07 : “Apple products make the world a better place,” Cook trills. “They play a vital role at work and in our free time. They help us to improve our health and stay in touch with loved ones. They put the world’s knowledge at our fingertips. And they deliver sustainable shareholder value by hitting high-margin KPIs going forward.”

10:09 : Today’s event is going to focus on three areas, Cook says: iPhone, Apple Watch, and AirPods. “To talk us through the exciting changes coming to iPhone, it’s over to Kaiann.”

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Foundry

iPhone 17

10.10: Kaiann Drance, Apple’s VP of iPhone product marketing, has got the big gig once again, after presenting the iPhone 16 last year. She’s standing next to a colossal iPhone box and looks alarmingly enthusiastic.

10:11 : “Thanks Tim, great to be here,” she says. “I’m super-excited to talk about iPhone! After last year’s thrilling iPhone 16 launch we sat down and asked ourselves one question: what’s the absolute minimum we could change and still have people upgrade their phones, thereby maintaining a sustainable long-term revenue stream?”

10:12 : “And today I’m proud to reveal the answer to that question! Please welcome iPhone 17: Another Year Has Passed™.”

10:13 : Time for a marketing video! And we’re seeing the new iPhone in all its glory. Which largely fits with the leaked images we’ve been bombarded with for the past three months: there’s a handsome new purple finish (here we go again; Apple tried purple on the iPhone 12 and 14, then gave up on the color for a while), the blue model is much paler, and pink has vanished altogether (boo!). But the essence of the design appears the same: the two rear camera lenses, for example, remain in the same vertical alignment as on the iPhone 16.

10:14 : “iPhone 17 is our best ever iPhone,” Drance says smugly. “We took everything you loved about iPhone 16 and made it fractionally better. Our brand-new A19 processor delivers market-leading performance on even the most demanding apps, while an upgraded 24MP front-facing camera ensures the sharpest selfies you’ve ever seen.”

10:16 : “And as for the screen… goodness me, what a transformation! For the first time ever on a non-Pro iPhone, we’re offering an always-on display, but that’s not all. All of this month’s new iPhones have LTPO screens with a stunning 120Hz rate and our popular ProMotion feature, so you can look forward to buttery-smooth animation while maintaining our usual exceptional battery life.”

10:18 : Pre-orders for the iPhone 17 are open now, and it will ship on September 19. Prices start at $799 for the 128GB model, which is the same as the entry-level iPhone 16 last year. Evidently Apple managed to shrug off the effects of the tariffs, at least for now. That’s good news.

10:19 : “That’s iPhone 17. We think you’re going to love it.”

iPhone 17 Pro (and 17 Pro Max)

10.20: Drance is sticking around, and we’re heading straight into the iPhone 17 Pro. No mention so far of the rumored iPhone 17 Air, but it’s a bit of a giveaway that the iPhone 17 was only shown in a single screen size. Presumably the Air will be announced later?

10:21 : “Apple’s Pro series of iPhones are the industry standard for premium smartphone design,” Drance says. “In fact, they make even our standard iPhones look like disgusting trash. Needless to say, talking about the pathetic iPhone 17 just now was a real ordeal for me. So I’m excited to announce iPhone 17 Pro.”

10:23 : We’re seeing the new handsets now. Most obviously, the rear camera module has been heavily redesigned: it’s now a broad bar that covers almost the full width of the phone’s back surface. (The camera lenses themselves, conversely, look the same.) And here too we’re seeing new color options, with the Pro models available in a startling new orange and a far more somber dark blue as well as the usual black, white, and gray. And… is that a smaller Dynamic Island?

10:25 : We’re talking performance. Is the 17 Pro getting a bump from 8GB to 12GB of RAM, as rumoured? Apple tends to be cagey about such things. “iPhone 17 Pro is so powerful you’ll literally faint when you see it,” says Drance, unhelpfully. “The A19 Pro chip is faster than a peregrine falcon, which is the fastest animal on earth.”

10:26 : “Many people think it’s the cheetah,” she adds. “But it’s not.”

10:27 : Camera performance should see a significant improvement. Aside from getting the same 24MP selfie camera as the iPhone 17, the 17 Pro’s telephoto lens has been bumped to a whopping 48MP, up from the 12MP lens on the 16 Pro. That means superior zoom performance, Drance says the Pro models now have a 7x optical zoom before the digital version kicks in.

10:29 : Here’s an interesting change: the iPhone 17 Pro gets a mechanical aperture, which means you can customize the amount of light allowed through. “This means an unprecedented level of control over the depth of field,” Drance boasts. We don’t know how this will work in practice, but on the Huawei Mate 50 Pro, you can choose from 10 steps between f/1.4 and f/4.0 or, as most of us will inevitably do, just leave the camera in auto mode.

10:31 : “The iPhone 17 Pro has an industry-leading battery and will last you for a scarcely c