On Today’s Show







Cold Open / Fake Ads







Hooligans / Hoolihans/ Hannigan’s / Lannigals / Bannister’s / Bennigan’s: Caldessavilles drunkiverse expands (speed pukatoriums, propane “napalm kamikazes,” AA chip trade-ups, full-contact bowling, DUI derby).







Tim’s Life / Ashtabula Update







Mom doing “as good as could be expected”: infection/“water on the brain” cleared; scan shows significant shrinkage and no spread in the thyroid. Next week: return trip for the doctor consult and next steps.







Programming note: shows may be shorter, but no planned “Best Ofs.”







Feature Segment: Plus-Size Park Hoppers







Account that tests Disney/Universal rides for 2X–5X bodies (teacups, lap-bars, test seats, “omni-mover” platforms).







New frontier: Can we even fit in the restaurant chairs? Armchairs vs armless, half-booths, hostess hacks.







Monetization moment: “chub-rub” balm spawn-con.







Tim’s running gags: gunt vs. lap bar, “4X/5X problem rides,” “two fatties per cup = longer lines,” and the very American need for test carts.







Rapid-Fire Audio Bits







Rep. John Bryant: “This bill legalizes sawed-off shotguns.” → Tim pivots to pro–sawed-off shart-guns.







McDonald’s Drive-Thru Freakout: Gold Sauce denied → gold-standard meltdown.







Man vs. Robotaxi: Construction worker fights a Waymo’s cone phobia (“Drive, motherf*****!”).







News Buffet







Florida, Our Most F*ed-Up State:** Rage-bait content creator allegedly terrorizes neighbors with a stick, traffic-blocking, and slurs—arrested; “content strategy” fails basic cost-benefit analysis.







China Hot Pot Piss Case (Update): Two 17-year-olds who peed in a Haidilao broth pot ordered to pay ~$309k; parents nailed for failed guardianship; company’s over-comp payouts deemed voluntary; “tainted broth” becomes Tim’s new band name.







Sideshow & Support







Sideshow: 2 full exclusives this week; mini bonus segments resume next week.







Patreon: $5+ private voicemail line; $20+ occasional swag (stainless travel mugs in flight).







Listener Sponsorships: $25 via PayPal; backlog to be cleared next week.







Voicemails (Patron Line First)







Leeloo (Gen Z Envoy): Aloofness = defense mechanism vs creeps; also some people are just… not interesting.







Unicorn Hamster: Coffee spit-take over Tim’s Batman aside; suggests keto; Tim’s “running” confession and Sonic smash-burger relapse.







Octavia’s Theory: Is Lord Douche = Rod Herpe? Evidence: “Rod” inside “Lord,” Latino lore, omnipresence. Jury = DV listeners.







Hachi Machi: Anti-Mead tirade; Tim notes Mead may be writing a DV theme (for $25) — send lyric/bit ideas.









Today’s Sponsor:









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