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Dear Crinkle Ep 23: Downer friend, and A Savvy Nanny.
Update: 2025-01-23
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Join Paula’s manager, Bonnie Burns aka Captain Crinkle, Paula Poundstone, Adam Felber, and former pod producer Toni Anita Hull for Captain Crinkle’s sage advice. This week's problems: Who gets the holiday bonus? Not the nanny, that’s who, and What to do about a ‘pity pot’ friend.
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Transcript
00:00:00
(upbeat music)
00:00:01
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00:00:08
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00:00:39
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00:00:54
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00:01:19
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00:01:24
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00:01:27
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00:01:31
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00:01:35
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00:01:38
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00:01:39
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00:01:40
(bright music)
00:01:45
(upbeat music)
00:01:47
- Yeah, quinkle would you be so kind to answer our questions.
00:01:58
What do you have in mind?
00:02:01
Hey, quinklers, it's Captain Quinkle here with another episode of Dear Quinkle.
00:02:07
The advice show.
00:02:08
- I'm Adam Felburn, yes, this is Dear Quinkle.
00:02:11
America's new favorite advice mini-sode.
00:02:13
That's what we're calling them these days.
00:02:14
We've got Paula Poundstone over there.
00:02:16
We've got Tony Needahol in her corner and the woman of the hour, Bonnie Burns, Paula's manager, our friend, AKA Captain Quinkle.
00:02:25
Ready to answer your questions?
00:02:26
- Yes, I am.
00:02:28
Tony, what's her first email?
00:02:30
- Dear Quinkle, I have a friend and former co-worker who often turned my good news into comments about how, quote, "Nothing good like that ever happens for me."
00:02:42
It warned me so much that I stopped sharing exciting things in front of him.
00:02:48
Now that we no longer work together, I find it a chore to be around him.
00:02:53
How should I handle this?
00:02:56
Cheers, befuddled, brewer.
00:02:59
- Well, okay, befuddled.
00:03:01
And this feels a little dismissive, but one thing you could say is, you know what, I'm sure you'll figure it out after the person complains and it just changed the topic.
00:03:11
And if that person finds it unsatisfying to talk to you, maybe they'll talk to you less.
00:03:16
That was pretty good advice.
00:03:18
- Wow, was it?
00:03:20
Yeah, yeah, no, I mean, it's a tough, it's a tough thing.
00:03:24
I mean, like, you've got two options with a lot of questions like this.
00:03:27
You gotta, you know, am I going to try to alter this person's behavior or cut them loose?
00:03:31
It seems like Bonnie's kind of shading towards the cut 'em loose approach with this one.
00:03:37
And I'm not sure that's a bad idea.
00:03:39
- But I don't think you can cut 'em loose fully because the kids are good friends.
00:03:44
So you've got that thing where you're around the other parent all the time.
00:03:48
That's not in the letter.
00:03:50
- Okay, what I think is by accident, that got left off the email because she did say or he, that make it more complicated, the kids are good friends,
00:04:01
go to school together.
00:04:03
- Okay, well, that changes things.
00:04:05
- Let's see what everybody else thinks about it.
00:04:08
Tony, what do you say?
00:04:10
- I think you just have to kind of, I mean, I know some of these people and I also used to think I was the Debbie Downer person.
00:04:19
So I try to be really conscious of it.
00:04:21
But I think you just have to accept it or, yeah, cut 'em loose.
00:04:26
But I would just not share things around 'em.
00:04:29
- Well, that sounds right to me.
00:04:34
Probably not the person to say, you know, things are going great.
00:04:38
Probably, yeah, I didn't even think of that.
00:04:41
That's good advice.
00:04:43
- I gotta say, unless there's something that is holding you together.
00:04:46
If you have a friend whom you can't share good times with because they make it negative all the time, that's not really a friend.
00:04:54
- Well, no, okay, here's the problem that I'm having.
00:04:57
If there is a reason that it's more comfortable to remain friends because their kids are friends, then it makes sense just to not bring, because it's not the friendship of the adults that is the number one concern in that event.
00:05:14
And, you know, sometimes there are certain friends you just wouldn't share things are going great with.
00:05:20
And there's a scale of friendship, right?
00:05:23
There's people you could say anything to and it'll work out just fine.
00:05:26
And there's people who, you know, and they're not your closest friends.
00:05:30
They're people that you used to work with, that your friend's kid plays with your kid.
00:05:36
- Maybe.
00:05:37
- Maybe, Paula.
00:05:38
I think that's a really good advice.
00:05:40
- Yeah.
00:05:41
- All right, do it.
00:05:43
- I wish I'd thought of it.
00:05:45
- No.
00:05:46
- Sorry, well that's good.
00:05:46
Well, you know, you were in the ballpark of their body.
00:05:49
- Okay.
00:05:51
- Tony, what's next?
00:05:54
- Dear Crankle, I work part-time as a nanny for two grateful families who often adjust my hours based on the baby's schedule.
00:06:03
I've accepted this because my schedule's flexible and I love the babies and I wanna support the families.
00:06:09
However, during the holidays, one family gave me nothing and the other gave me a pair of fuzzy socks.
00:06:18
While I don't work for them full-time, I expect at least a small bonus.
00:06:24
Now I feel resentful and under-appreciated.
00:06:28
What should I do?
00:06:29
Thank you kindly, not just a nanny.
00:06:33
- You know what, I think this is a hard one because those resentments can really build up.
00:06:39
And you said you had an attachment to the baby.
00:06:42
I guess you just have to decide, do you wanna look for another job or do you wanna just accept, hey, these people, maybe they're not the kind of people that think,
00:06:54
oh, you should give a bonus.
00:06:55
Maybe they don't know about giving a bonus for the holidays and stay there.
00:07:00
- Interesting, Paul Poundstone.
00:07:02
- You know, some people really value fuzzy socks.
00:07:05
(laughing)
00:07:08
I know my daughter does.
00:07:09
- Yeah, I like a good pair of socks means a lot to me.
00:07:13
Yeah, I don't know.
00:07:14
I think this idea of some money that you don't know if it's coming or not and it's a gift, but it's really like an understood gift 'cause it's the holidays guy.
00:07:23
I don't know, I'm not so into that idea.
00:07:25
If you wanna raise, ask for a raise.
00:07:28
But like, oh, it's the holidays and they only gave me fuzzy socks.
00:07:32
I don't know.
00:07:34
You know, really?
00:07:36
- I know I'm gonna agree with Paul on this 'cause I don't think everybody, and kind of as Bonnie said, I don't think everybody thinks about Christmas bonuses in the same way.
00:07:44
Some people don't give away extra stuff at the holidays and not to people who work for them.
00:07:50
I would say the only barrier to you continuing to have a great relationship with this family, not just in Annie, is you and your perception that they shortchanged you on the holidays.
00:08:00
So I think you need to maybe rethink that because certainly it's very possible that these families really value you and simply didn't think to give you anything for Christmas.
00:08:11
- Yeah.
00:08:12
- So, I don't see any other barrier here.
00:08:14
I don't see any other problem in the relationship is that you feel like if they didn't give you something, it's because they don't value you.
00:08:21
I don't think you have enough evidence to think that's the case at all.
00:08:24
- You know what?
00:08:25
I think that just in Annie, Adam may sound a little harsh with the way he's putting that, but now I don't know how to make it softer.
00:08:34
- I'm Dr.
00:08:35
Tuftlove here.
00:08:36
- Boy, I don't want to advise from you.
00:08:38
- Yeah.
00:08:39
(laughing)
00:08:41
- Anyway, you know, I don't, if you, I think when you have, okay, here's what I think.
00:08:47
If you notice that they gave like money to the garbage pickup guys, if they gave money to the, I don't know, firewood delivery people,
00:08:58
whatever that is, then I think that could really hurt your feelings.
00:09:02
But ultimately you got to decide if you want to stay there, whether they gave you a bonus or not.
00:09:08
- I have never in my life received a Christmas bonus.
00:09:13
Now, meanwhile, I've been self-employed for years.
00:09:18
- Yeah, you should treat yourself a little better.
00:09:21
- My employer is an asshole and doesn't appreciate me at all.
00:09:26
But I just, I don't know.
00:09:29
I, yeah, again, if you worked, if you worked in a company, right?
00:09:34
If you worked in a company and, you know, Joe Blowover and counting got a bonus.
00:09:40
And, you know, Meg in, you know, in human relations got a, you know, or human resources got a bonus.
00:09:47
And everybody got a bonus.
00:09:49
But you, I guess I would feel concerned about that.
00:09:52
But in this case, I just think it's weird to assume that someone's gonna give you a gift.
00:09:59
- Yeah, Tony, you need a hold.
00:10:01
- Yeah, I mean, I think based on what we know in your relationship with them, it sounds like it's a part-time gig and it sounds like you're kind of in and out.
00:10:14
And I just, it's probably something they didn't think of and I agree with.
00:10:18
- Yeah, thank you.
00:10:19
Although I sounded harsh, I think the problem here is that befuddled brewer got a great Christmas bonus this year and made the mistake of telling not just a nanny about it.
00:10:31
And rather than just being happy for befuddled brewers, not just a nanny was like, oh, that's good for you.
00:10:38
I got stiffed.
00:10:40
- You know, not just a nanny, I'm sympathetic.
00:10:43
I understand your feelings.
00:10:45
Just want you to know that.
00:10:46
I'm not criticized, whatever, I understand your feelings.
00:10:51
I'm not being critical.
00:10:53
Okay, never mind, victim, call that out.
00:10:55
But I'm trying to say is, I don't-- - You're trying to not agree with me, but you do.
00:11:01
- I don't want her to think that she's being put down because she has those feelings.
00:11:05
- No, you're right, you're right.
00:11:06
If I sounded like I was putting her down, that's not how I meant it to sound.
00:11:11
But what I was saying was what I think is the truth, which is that the only person responsible for her feelings here, it's possibly her.
00:11:19
So maybe an attitude change will fix things.
00:11:22
- That's good, I like that.
00:11:24
- Well, it's also, it's a business relationship.
00:11:28
I mean, I say this as if I could ever.
00:11:30
I mean, as I've told you guys before, one time there was a horse standing on my foot, and I was too shy to say to somebody, could you move the horse off my foot?
00:11:40
So I'm not a person who is able very often to go like, well, this doesn't feel right to me.
00:11:46
And talking about money just makes my skin crawl.
00:11:51
So, but I do feel like it's a business relationship because you're taking care of someone's kids.
00:11:57
It's also an emotional relationship, but it is a business relationship.
00:12:03
And so I think what you should be mostly concerned about is that you're getting a fair and appropriate rate of pay that works for you weekly.
00:12:14
That's really good.
00:12:15
- And don't worry about Christmas.
00:12:18
Good for you, I like that.
00:12:20
- We're saying bah hum bug to Christmas in a big way here.
00:12:22
- So we're getting updates in on some of the problems that we gave advice for, and we remember the rate.
00:12:30
- Yeah, updates.
00:12:31
Now there's some actual updates.
00:12:33
- They're, I think this one's an update.
00:12:36
- Okay, 'cause we've had problems on this show before with you identifying things as updates that were non-updates.
00:12:41
- Okay, so you had a chance wanting to look up the word update in your free time.
00:12:48
- In my mind, this is a legitimate update.
00:12:51
- Okay, that's not how the dictionary works.
00:12:53
- No, okay, let's see.
00:12:55
- You might be thinking that it's not gonna be, but I really think it's a legitimate update.
00:12:59
Okay, so remember the kid Tommy, he and his mom, they accepted the cat litter, and he was wondering how often he had to do it because the cats who's thinking up the house,
00:13:10
okay.
00:13:11
So a woman named Sarah Sidendor wrote in asking for an update about how Tommy and his mom, if they solved the problem,
00:13:21
okay.
00:13:22
So I reached out to Tommy and his mom, and here's the update, right?
00:13:26
- Oh, that's okay, yeah, yeah.
00:13:27
- Absolutely.
00:13:28
- Well, there might be a little problem here, because pretty, what's it called, pretty litter?
00:13:35
Is, we have an ad for pretty litter in this show.
00:13:38
- But not on Captain Crinkle, is it?
00:13:40
- It might be.
00:13:42
- Oh, okay, Vic, do something about that.
00:13:46
Okay, so here's what happened.
00:13:51
They switched the litter and they alternate that with, and what they said was they still have to scoop every three days,
00:14:04
geez, I had to scoop every day, but this litter smell is very much improved except when the cats eat a lot of treats.
00:14:12
- You know-- - That's a great update.
00:14:14
And once again, to clarify which litter they've switched to, it was a pretty litter and pretty litter, which is doing the job for them.
00:14:22
- You know what I never thought about when they first, when Tommy first wrote us, you know, it also depends where you keep your litter box.
00:14:30
And a lot of times the layout of the house and the sort of logistics of how people come and go dictate a lot.
00:14:36
- And how the air flows through your house, yeah.
00:14:38
- But you know, when I was growing up, we had the litter boxes were in the basement.
00:14:43
We had three cats, but they were also indoor outdoor cats.
00:14:46
And so we didn't sift nearly as often.
00:14:49
So cut to me as an adult.
00:14:51
I had a one bedroom apartment and the litter box, the only place I could put it was in the kitchen.
00:14:58
And so I sifted once or twice a day.
00:15:02
There wasn't a lot to sift, but once or twice a day, because I really didn't want a via litter box sitting on my kitchen.
00:15:09
- Doesn't make sense?
00:15:10
- Yeah, now I sift twice a day, because I have 10 cats and six litter boxes.
00:15:15
- All right, so Tommy, it's where you place the box to occur in the Paula.
00:15:20
- There's a lot of factors.
00:15:21
There's a lot of, there's a lot of spokes in this wheel.
00:15:24
There's a lot of moving parts.
00:15:25
- There's a complicated case.
00:15:26
- A lot of ins and outs here, yeah, that's true.
00:15:28
- And by the way, hi Tommy.
00:15:29
- Yeah, hi Tommy.
00:15:31
Okay, but Ria Caswell was the woman who wrote in to ask what she should do about her gophers.
00:15:37
- Right, and we said blow 'em up like Bill Murray was.
00:15:40
- Here's her update.
00:15:41
She eventually, they live on seven acres.
00:15:44
And eventually she had to go to an exterminator.
00:15:47
And she did apologize to Tony, okay?
00:15:51
- He's being really sad.
00:15:52
- I know, but the gophers were ruining all their fruit trees and she said, sorry Tony.
00:15:59
All right, then she said that she loves the theme song and she doesn't want me to change it.
00:16:07
She hums it while she's doing homework and it makes her smile.
00:16:10
And her suggestion was, if I'm getting bored singing it, Vic make a little tape, Tony could play it at the beginning of the episode.
00:16:19
And then she said, if you can trust Tony, not to play.
00:16:24
- I thought, oh, here we go.
00:16:26
(laughing)
00:16:28
- Catch you with a skewer.
00:16:29
- A giant.
00:16:30
- I know it isn't fun.
00:16:33
(laughing)
00:16:35
- I thought it was you.
00:16:36
- Catch you.
00:16:37
(upbeat music)
00:16:40
- I thought a cookie catcher was stupid.
00:16:42
- Oh.
00:16:43
- Catch you, ain't it?
00:16:44
(laughing)
00:16:47
- Yeah.
00:16:48
- Woo.
00:16:49
- No, you could never trust Tony not to play that.
00:16:51
- No, yeah, what?
00:16:52
That song never doesn't make me happy.
00:16:56
- It's true.
00:16:57
- You know, and it relates to when Tony did a craft corner and what were we making?
00:17:02
I guess a cookie catcher.
00:17:04
- No, we were making a cookie.
00:17:06
There's a fortune teller.
00:17:08
- Oh, a fortune teller.
00:17:09
- Oh my gosh.
00:17:10
- I guess we're a cookie catcher.
00:17:11
I think some people, I think someone said they called it a cookie catcher.
00:17:16
- Oh, yes.
00:17:17
- All right.
00:17:18
- Yeah.
00:17:18
- And then Bonnie expressed that.
00:17:20
- Oh my God.
00:17:21
(laughing)
00:17:22
- I tried to get a cookie catcher with skewer.
00:17:24
- I tried it.
00:17:25
(upbeat music)
00:17:27
- I know it isn't fun.
00:17:28
(laughing)
00:17:29
I thought it was you.
00:17:31
I tried it.
00:17:32
(upbeat music)
00:17:35
(laughing)
00:17:36
- Catcher with skewer.
00:17:37
I tried it.
00:17:38
(upbeat music)
00:17:41
- Okay, and close this enchanting episode of Dear Crinkle.
00:17:46
Tony, what do you have for us to close?
00:17:50
- My partner, Grig Speed, is a dedicated fan of Paula Poundstone and listens to your show every week.
00:17:56
I was wondering if you could help me propose to the love of my life through their favorite podcast.
00:18:02
If this is too much to ask, perhaps some sage advice on the perfect proposal.
00:18:08
Harley Cameron.
00:18:10
- I thought you guys would probably have the best advice.
00:18:15
- Oh, wow.
00:18:16
I gotta say, I do have advice.
00:18:18
My advice to Grig Speed is- - No, that's not- - No, it's not Grig Speed.
00:18:22
- Harley.
00:18:23
- Oh, Grig Speed is the- - Harley Cameron.
00:18:27
- It's Harley Cameron.
00:18:27
- Harley Cameron.
00:18:28
- Yeah, and my advice to Grig Speed is, say yes.
00:18:32
- Oh.
00:18:33
- Say yes.
00:18:34
- I don't get it, but okay.
00:18:37
- You don't get it, look.
00:18:39
Harley's partner, Grig Speed is the fan of our podcast who's going to hear this letter from Harley saying that Harley wants to propose.
00:18:47
- Okay, I get it.
00:18:49
That was very clever.
00:18:50
- Wow.
00:18:51
- Geez.
00:18:52
- I hope there's better communication between Harley and Grig Speed than their husband, between us on this episode.
00:18:59
- On this episode.
00:19:00
- Absolutely, but if you're still listening, Grig Speed, Harley seems to not only love you, but love your taste in podcasts, and cares enough to want to propose.
00:19:09
So if you're listening, you should say yes, and Harley, if you're the one listening, you shouldn't ask us to propose for you.
00:19:16
I mean, look, Paula's got some great proposal advice, I'm sure, but like Tony need a hall's advice would be like get all your friends together and have a bath out of the bushes, shit.
00:19:26
- So.
00:19:27
- Yeah, you know what I think would be the best.
00:19:30
This is dear Crinkle, and so maybe the listeners to dear Crinkle don't know about Tony and Neeta Hall's friends, Mom and Rattie, who we've had to change their names slightly,
00:19:41
because we don't want to be sued, but Tony does have some friends who every step of their relationship, they have a party for people to come celebrate,
00:19:52
you know?
00:19:52
There was a proposal party where people were supposed to spring out of shrubs and supra, and so I think that the best-- - They had a first reverse cowgirl party,
00:20:04
which was crazy.
00:20:05
- Okay.
00:20:07
- What?
00:20:08
- Come on.
00:20:09
So I think, I think if Crinkle and Harley, and if Crinkle is it, is it nobody listens to Holla Poundstone fan, then I think that they will really,
00:20:20
really appreciate it.
00:20:22
- If Mom and Rattie have a party to celebrate the engagement of Griggsby and Harley, I think that's the most beautiful way to acknowledge that love in a public way.
00:20:37
- You know what they could do?
00:20:39
Like, okay, Harley, when you guys are having sex in the middle of the second you go, would you marry me Griggsby?
00:20:48
And that could be like a really exciting turn on.
00:20:52
And they would remember it for the rest of their lives.
00:20:55
- Huh.
00:20:56
- Yeah, because the thing about proposals to the party is that the only thing that like proposals get discussed, people tell proposal stories in polite conversation.
00:21:07
It's dinner party stuff.
00:21:09
- Well, you know, things have changed a lot of those rules.
00:21:13
People are more free now.
00:21:15
- Okay, but we don't know anything about Harley, and Griggsby, other than they have great taste in podcast.
00:21:20
So, but they could be like those sort of hard-boiled types, you know, like Griggsby could say, "Oh, Harley's fucking me."
00:21:26
And I couldn't believe it.
00:21:28
All of a sudden they say, "Well, you're married me."
00:21:31
So, you know, it could be dinner table conversation, like at the last chance saloon kind of thing, you know?
00:21:39
- Yeah, exactly.
00:21:40
- Yeah.
00:21:41
- I could hardly believe it.
00:21:41
- It could be like, ooh, ooh, ooh.
00:21:43
Were you married?
00:21:44
- Okay.
00:21:45
- This is the end of, "Toni, what do you say?"
00:21:51
- No, no, no, no, that's it.
00:21:54
I, what the, ooh, ooh, it was all anybody ever needed.
00:21:58
- Let me go for the edge.
00:22:00
- That's all.
00:22:01
- Hey, Harley, and Griggsby, if you plan to tie the knot, congratulations, how are you?
00:22:05
- Congrats.
00:22:06
- Congrats.
00:22:07
- Yeah, congratulations.
00:22:08
- Hey, you know what?
00:22:09
I bet this is gonna turn on Harley, and he's gonna end up doing it like this.
00:22:16
And then, what if he sends us an update?
00:22:18
Harley, send us an update, what you ended up doing?
00:22:21
- I hope this isn't how this happens.
00:22:24
(laughing)
00:22:26
- I'm sorry, I apologize in advance, Griggsby.
00:22:29
And with that, I'm bringing this episode to a close.
00:22:36
Keep sending your questions, useful information, updates, and if you have a thief song for me, email it to dearcrinkle@gmail.com.
00:22:45
We'd love to hear from you.
00:22:46
Adam, hit it.
00:22:48
- Dear Crinkles, not a real advice show.
00:22:49
It should have become incredibly obvious during the course of this podcast.
00:22:52
(laughing)
00:22:54
(laughing)
00:22:56
[laughter]
00:22:58