In today’s episode, I spoke with Seth Allison, a licensed clinical professional counselor and founder of the Grow Collective, a growth-focused collective of psychologists. We spoke about his latest conversation with John Vervaeke and the unique perspectives he shared there about attachment and relationality.

We dove into attachment theory, how humans are built for connection, and the visceral experience of being loved and seen by an intimate other. Seth has a very nuanced perspective on attachment, and we explored what happens when the early attachment relationship between parent and child is disrupted, and whether we should regard our attachment style as a lifetime diagnosis.

We spoke about monogamy, Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, and why conflicts between couples tend to be so explosive. We explored Sue’s idea of primary and secondary emotions, and how in most fights, we often use anger to mask how terrified we are of being abandoned by our partner.

Towards the end of our conversation, we spoke about intergenerational trauma, how insecure attachment is often passed down from generation to generation, and what we need to do to break the cycle. We discussed the role of warfare in the perpetuation of insecure attachment and I shared my newfound understanding of grief. Ultimately, the price of love and attachment is the pain and grief of loss.

I hope you enjoy this episode. Seth and I will be recording another episode where we plan on exploring Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Jung.

Let us know in the comments below if there are any questions you’d like us to answer in the next episode 💬

Seth is an attachment-based therapist, working with adults, couples, and families. For more information about Seth’s work and the Grow Collective, click here.

00:00 Intro & Seth’s Background

9:55 Humans Are Built for Connection

11:10 fMRI Study: Love Makes The World Less Painful

18:29 Are We Built for Monogamy?

22:38 Do Relationship Promote or Stifle Personal Growth?

30:14 Are Attachment Styles Real?

35:03 Attachment Parenting is Not Gentle Parenting

42:13 Changing Your Attachment Style through Relationship

48:40 EFT Couples Therapy & Why Fights Get So Intense

56:31 Secure Attachment Can Heal Intergenerational Trauma

59:58 Does Intergenerational Trauma Stem from War?

1:05:12 “I didn’t understand grief until I was married”

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