Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 19 and we’re going to talk about what an abusive relationship is, and what it looks like! I’m going to add a disclaimer here, because we are going to be discussing specific aspects of Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence and it could be triggering. If it is, pause the episode. Do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other tools we’ve learned, or one you like to use to get grounded, centered, and feel safe. Then come back when you’re ready.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional.  An added note: If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we talked about what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like. While unhealthy relationships can at times FEEL abusive, there is a big difference! This topic is so important to me personally! As a survivor and as someone who has worked with other survivors for over 12 years now, it couldn’t be more important! An abusive relationship is defined as one where there are patterns of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Yes of course you can be abused by people in other kinds of relationships like with family members. But we are talking today about a relationship involving two people in a romantic or intimate partner situation.

I’ll start off by saying abusers are slick! They hide who they really are until we’re hooked. To everyone else, they are wonderful people: they are charming, well-mannered, funny, everyone loves them. They seem to be “pillars” of the community, they help everyone out. They can seem to be a great friend, the one everyone can always count on. That’s the front they put on for the rest of the world. That isn’t who they are behind closed doors. They KNOW that what they do to their partner could get them into trouble, so they hide it very well!

When we first meet them, they don’t have giant red warning labels on the screaming “danger, warning, run away!” They should, but they don’t. We are taken in by their charm, sense of humor, looks, manners, everything. I know when I met my abuser, I thought he was everything I could ever want in a partner. He was handsome, funny, charming in that “bad boy” southern way, everything about him drew me in. They shower us with love, kindness, caring, and they pay attention to everything we say. It's called love bombing. They listen to us, HEAR us. For those of us with a trauma history, It’s like catnip to a cat! We soak up all that love and attention we didn’t get growing up. We can also be drawn in to their “intensity.” They are passionate about things. Often, right after we start seeing them and for me it was like a week later, they look deeply into our eyes and say something like “I’ve never felt this way before about anyone, but I’m in love with you!” Sound familiar? With almost every survivor I’ve worked with, this is how it started! Things can move very quickly after that. I know I pretty much moved in with my abuser almost immediately. We feel like we’re wrapped up in this cocoon of love and warmth, it’s bliss! We begin taking care of them, they need us, so those of us with a caregiver’s tendency fall right into our familiar patterns. We love them, so it’s natural that we should want to take care of them, make them happy, right? In the beginning, they seem to care for us too, do little things for us just to make us happy…but at some point, the scales begin to tip and the balance begins to shift...

It could begin at any point, and “seemingly” innocent enough. Maybe they start making little comments about things we are doing, or NOT doing. Maybe the meal we made was not quite right. Maybe the laundry we did for them came out a little wrinkled, and they don’t like wrinkles. Maybe they make a little comment about what we are wearing on a particular day. Small things, nothing major. We apologize profusely, promise to do things better next time. They seem satisfied, and life goes on. Then, maybe when something isn’t to their liking next time, they yell at us, or say something nasty to us. It startles us, it “stings” more than what they’d said to us before. They might follow their behavior up with “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean it” trying to make it seem better. Again, we apologize, feeling like we just can’t do things correctly, obviously it’s OUR fault, right?

They also don’t want us to go anywhere or do anything without them. When a relationship is new and exciting, it seems normal to want to be with that person most or all of the time. To do things with them, experience things together. However, over time, this being “joined at the hip” behavior becomes controlling. We might not even seem to be able to go to the grocery store alone or run an errand without them coming along. If we do, they might begin questioning us about what we did, who we saw, did we go anywhere else, etc. They might be suspicious of who we were around, even going so far as to accuse us of cheating on them. After a while, to avoid these situations, we either have them come with us, or we don’t go anywhere at all. When I had my car, my abuser would take parts off of it and put them under his pillow at night while he slept, making sure I couldn’t leave.

Also, over time, and almost without our knowing it, they start cutting us off from friends and even family. At first, they go with us to family get-togethers, or to see our friends. But soon, they begin to make comments, expressing their dislike for these people in our lives. Perhaps they make comments about how they feel these other people “treat us” or that they felt they saw these people manipulate us, talk down to us, whatever it might be. We may begin to question these other people’s motives, thinking that your abuser must be right, WE must be missing something. We might start making excuses as to why we can’t come to get togethers with our family or friends. We opt out in order to “keep the peace” at home. After a while, people quit asking or inviting us. This adds to the isolation, cutting us off from any support system we might have had. The abuser tells us that THEY are all we need! But their friends, family, connections are important. My abuser’s friends were always around, the party was always at our house. They watched as he abused me in almost every way, and no one ever stepped in to help me. I also helped take care of his father who had very advanced Parkinson’s Disease. He drank very heavily, would mess himself and I was expected to clean him up. He would also “grope” me every chance he got. It was awful but I didn’t dare complain.

Another isolation tactic is the abuser moving with us to a new state, or place where we aren’t near our support systems. We might move to somewhere rural, remote, away from big cities or towns. When I was with my abuser, we were already in a remote small town so cutting me off was easy. I was already 4 states away from my family in Ohio. We had no phone, and this was long before cell phones, so I had no way to even call for help. His Uncle lived right next door, however. One night to avoid getting physically hurt, not long after moving in with him, I ran out of the house to his uncle’s place, banging on the door screaming for help. His daughter opened the door, and I begged her to let me in. I was terrified he would find me; I was completely panicked. From somewhere in the house, I heard his uncle tell his daughter to shut the door. She gave me a sympathetic look, then shut the door in my face. So needless to say, no help from them...or anyone.

They also might begin sabotaging us at work if we are allowed to work at all. They might begin calling us constantly at work, checking up on us. The constant calls might be noticed by our co-workers or our boss. If abusers want to really cause trouble, they might begin calling our boss, or co-workers directly, trying to get us fired by making things up about us. They might disable our car or torpedo any childcare arrangements. They might not leave us with money for public transportation.  I wasn’t allowed to work; he didn’t work either. His father gave us money sometimes for food, or we had to literally go out and find our own food. There was one time someone my abuser knew hired us to clean up an old abandoned mobile home he bought. He was an older man, not married, wanting to clean up the mobile home to rent it out. The whole place was literally inches deep with mouse droppings and dead mice. It was awful but I worked really hard every day at it. This man also took the opportunity to grab and grope me at every opportunity. When I finally told my abuser about it, he said it was MY FAULT, he blamed me for it.

As we become more and more isolated, the violence gets worse. It doesn’t have to be physical. That’s still one of the biggest “myths” out there that many survivors believe. “They didn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse.” Emotional, verbal, mental, financial, sexual, and now digital abuse are just as damaging. There were times that I was experiencing such torture in all of these other ways, I often would wish to my