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“My deep emotional struggle has been a secret, hidden behind the façade of dependability. I’ve been busy making sadness wrong and I was not sure how to talk about it.“

Exposing the Cracks that the Light May Come In

Hey guys this Sarah Mastriani-Levi and I wanted to take a few minutes to speak to you from my heart about what’s been happening with me, about what’s been going on with my podcast and what’s been occurring in my business over the past few months.

I usually don’t share a lot of personal stuff on this platform. Although, most of you know that I will share personal anecdotes from time to time to support your processes. But this time, I wanted to let you know a little bit about the authentic and human side of what’s been going on lately. I hope it will encourage you and give you support that you’re not alone in what you’re going through.

These past few months have been tough for me emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually. I have felt like I’ve gone through some challenges that have happened, if for no other reason, then to slow down my pace.

For all of you, who personally know me, being an extremely driven, overachiever has been a trademark of my personality for the majority of my life. But something has happened… maybe lots of some things…that have begun to shift my perspective.

In October 2016, Hurricane Matthew did some massive damage to my community and much of the Southern East Coast. We caught the brunt of the storm. We were evacuated from our homes and forced into a “Hurri-cation mode”. Much of my business is online, fortunately, I could operate it from “the cloud” and the hotel where we were staying. However, while we were away there was a massive energy shift that happened in this area.

For me, trees are like souls, and coming back to the storm damaged area was shocking, to say the least. Now nearly five months later, we are still seeing FEMA collecting fallout debris from the storm. As you may imagine, hundreds of thousands of trees were erased from the natural landscape.

It felt like a spiritual emptying out, almost as if there were volunteer souls that bowed out, in order to allow space and light, for new energy, to come into the area. All in all, that would be a really positive thing, but simultaneously there seems to be a grieving process, both of the people and of the land for the changes that have happened and continue to evolve here. There’s a heavy energy, and what feels like opposition to a lot of the new energy that is flowing in.

Being an empath, I’m very sensitive to this. Honestly, it has caused me to lose my rhythm a little. It has toyed with my productive abilities for my business, and otherwise. All of this has challenged me spiritually and emotionally throughout these past several months. It has caused me to question my relationships and whether I am in the right location or not.

The election season has been overwhelming, surprising and divisive. So much of what I never believed could happen, has…every day seems like a new surprise, a new twist, a new turn. I feel constant fear and unease in the current political environment. I feel like I’m walking on egg-shells not to accidentally mention my opinion in the “wrong company.” Much of what’s around me believes differently, and I can’t for the life of me wrap my mind around it or support it. I keep asking myself, “is there a chance I could be wrong?” but cannot seem to understand how I could ever think or feel the opposite of what I do. I can’t understand what others are supporting.

Strangely, nearly every project that I had started before October has not come to fruition. That is totally unlike me because I love efficiently finishing projects, more than just about anything else. In addition to all of that, every single project that I tried to launch over the past few months has sent me mixed messages with constant snafus and delays. Nearly every lecture that I was invited to speak at, has had a great reaction online, only to be followed by people who don’t show up. That was after the fact that they told me personally that the message and topic I was sharing were excellent and important.

My podcast, which has brought me so much joy, suddenly went through a shift too. The recording software stopped working for all PCs. I shifted to another recording software to record four important and powerful conversations with Jay Wong, Selena Delesie, Kelly Harrell and Toku McCree, only to discover on each one that my voice was barely audible (in spite of successful test runs).

This really shook me up, not just on the technical level of why did this only work great in the test run, but also it was a huge embarrassment considering I had been waiting for months to talk with each of these people. It sent me spiraling…trying to find technical solutions.

I also sunk deep into an energetic rabbit hole of questions regarding the value of my voice and why the universe was stopping it from being shared, on what seemed like every front. Was my antenna aimed at the wrong audience? Was I sharing a message that wasn’t welcome? Was what I have to share not of value?

During the following 2 months, I worked to create a program to launch during the last two weeks of December, along with a mastermind course. I designed it so people could read more and sign up online, on my website. During the third week of December my website “white screened,” so not only no launch…no one had access to my website for 10 days, as I gathered all of the parts. Essentially, I was invisible.

I scheduled lectures to do an in-person of these programs. Again, tons of interest…and no one showed up.

I have lost my mojo and my desire to explain myself to people, locally. Especially those who are not willing to pay $30 for a workshop that could create a healthy lifestyle change and heal what they are suffering from…but alas… that doesn’t come in a bottle or pill.

I feel like I’m always swimming upstream and I’m tired.

Tons of questioning and self-doubt ensued, as I pushed forward in my creative process. Perhaps I just needed to wait for the stars to fall into alignment for my message to be clear? What did I need to change? How could I possibly feel so connected on some levels and so utterly unheard? It even brought into question the worthiness of the work that I am doing. Although I know that this is a common phenomenon creators go through in the creative process (a.k.a. “the thrash”). I still was full of questions. I felt stuck in the rubble and not sure how to begin to rebuild.

I have gone through a very difficult and depressed couple of months. My deep emotional struggle has been a secret, hidden behind the façade of dependability. I’ve been busy making sadness wrong and I was not sure how to talk about it.

I am so thankful for the joy my kids and my work brings me in the moments between my relentless questioning. I have felt alone on my journey. I have been in the sad state grieving, within my soul, that may not be so different than the trees that were broken and uprooted.

I have felt extremely challenged as a single-mother. My kids see their father 1-2 times a year for 10 days. He lives abroad. I do my best to be the support system of two parents, but it’s just me. I attempt to hold it all together and be what my kids need: physically, mentally and spiritually. They are my number one priority. I feel so happy when they are happy…but lately they have been sad too. Lonely and feeling unconnected to their peers on different levels. I try to hold space for their processes.

I feel guilty for feeling jealous of happy families that have two active and loving parents. There is a strangeness in the foreign realization that there are actually couples that enjoy spending time with their partners and families. I feel ashamed to admit that every picture I see of others participating Father/daughter dances tears my heart in two, and brings tears to my eyes. There is no one to play with them on the weekends like their peers’ fathers do. There is no one else around to sign permission slips or to stay home with them should they need to. There is no one else to spilt the driving with when all four kids have activities in four different locations, all at the same time. Who do I stay to cheer on…how do