Further Things For You To Please Consider
Further Things For You To Please ConsiderUpdate: 2024-09-30
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Oh goodness, oh my. They've done it again, it seems. Season 9 approaches, and before that time The Wrong Station has compiled yet further things for you, our dear listeners, to please consider.
--Written by Alexander Saxton, Anthony Botelho, and Jacob Duarte Spiel, and performed by Anthony Botelho. Support The Wrong Station by subscribing at www.patreon.com/thewrongstation.
The Wrong Station contains explicit content and mature themes. Episode-specific warnings can be found at www.wrongstation.com/c-w.
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Transcript
00:00:00
"Did you hear it?"
00:00:10
Dearest listeners, it's been some time since we've last had to make corrections, three years, four years?
00:00:19
Who could possibly count higher than that?
00:00:22
Sometimes since we've had to adjust the rapid ears atop and inside your heads and fill them with our very wrong slop to make you better vessels for our programming.
00:00:34
Though since then it's come to our attention that we may have over tuned some of you.
00:00:40
We've received some very interesting reports of your activity.
00:00:43
Our listeners have been spotted on the moon, making inverted cigarettes in the sand with doors and windows that seem to lead everywhere.
00:00:52
You've been discovered deep beneath the waves, holding candlelit dinners for all the fishy little, gribly-grubbers biologists have yet to even discover.
00:01:03
Where can I buy those candles?
00:01:06
You've been seen out back at 3am, knocking over the bins and getting to all sorts of things you oughtn't be.
00:01:11
"Shoo you!
00:01:12
Get on!
00:01:13
Get!" And, with all this in mind, we feel it's time for a recalibration.
00:01:22
To make sure you're not getting yourselves into too much trouble, or, rather, the kind of trouble that we can keep track of and carefully observe, for research,
00:01:32
for future ideas.
00:01:35
So let's massage those brainwaves and fill those crevices in your lobes with colorful resin.
00:01:43
Allow your head to feel heavy, sink into that mental oblivion.
00:01:51
And please consider this.
00:02:00
Phase one, please consider this.
00:02:05
A solved Rubik's cube is placed underneath a brooding hen.
00:02:09
Two weeks later, the hen is removed.
00:02:11
The cube is now jumbled.
00:02:14
Under laboratory conditions, the jumbled cube is provided to a man who solves Rubik's cubes in timed international contexts.
00:02:21
After briefly considering the cube, the man asks to be excused.
00:02:26
He says he wishes to return home.
00:02:29
He will say nothing further other than that, he is done, and would like to please return home.
00:02:34
Upon returning home, the man disappears for several weeks.
00:02:39
He is eventually discovered down by the docks.
00:02:43
Stragically solved, consider this, though string lights in the living room haven't been plugged in for eleven months, but they've been on this entire time.
00:02:55
The moment you realize, they go out.
00:03:00
Please consider this, you arrive home one day to find the back door of your apartment open.
00:03:06
You don't know if somebody's been inside, but you think you can catch a whiff of lingering body odor in the middle room.
00:03:14
You're sure you lock the doors and windows behind you, and all the keys to the apartment are accounted for.
00:03:19
You don't know how anybody would have gotten in.
00:03:22
If they did, and nothing's missing, nothing seems to have been touched.
00:03:27
It's a small incident, the kind you move on from quickly.
00:03:32
Or think you do.
00:03:34
But you never feel quite safe at home again.
00:03:38
And sometimes, in the mornings, you think you catch that faint whiff of body odor again.
00:03:46
Please consider this, you attend an open casket funeral for a friend of a friend, but when you get to the front of the line to pay your respects, you find the casket empty.
00:03:58
Just then, a man runs into the church doors, he says, "Sorry, I'm late," and then jumps into the casket, dying before his hat touches the silken pillow.
00:04:10
Please consider this.
00:04:12
You visit your local bowling alley for a work party.
00:04:15
After five frames, it becomes clear you're in the middle of the best game of your life.
00:04:20
At the beginning of the sixth frame, the return shoot spits out the ball you've been using.
00:04:24
Your lucky ball.
00:04:26
Only now you see it has a large crack down the middle.
00:04:30
You take the ball to concessions, asking for an explanation.
00:04:33
The clerk takes you behind the counter to the kitchen, and hands the ball to the fry cook.
00:04:38
The fry cook takes your ball, looks at the crack, then bashes the ball three times on the prep table before you can stop him.
00:04:45
The ball splits open fully.
00:04:48
The chef pours a thick yellow liquid from the two halves of the ball into a hot pan on the stove.
00:04:54
Two minutes later, he hands you an omelet and a coupon for a free ball.
00:05:00
Not knowing what else to do.
00:05:01
You eat the omelet and complete your game.
00:05:05
You bowl a 285.
00:05:08
Consider this, won't you?
00:05:10
One cool autumn day you leave your bedroom window open before leaving for work.
00:05:15
Returning that night, you find the mesh screen chewed through.
00:05:19
Your things scattered about in damp and a lump nestled under your sheets heaving.
00:05:27
You find an Atlantic card, struggling for breath, and still smelling of the sea.
00:05:36
Please consider this, you take the bus downtown, sitting across from you was a person wearing the exact same clothes as you, and carrying the exact same bag.
00:05:47
They notice you staring and slowly reach into that bag, pulling from its depths a glistening machete, raising it only just far enough for you to see.
00:05:59
You swallow hard and tug the requests stop wire repeatedly.
00:06:04
When you get off the bus, you look into your own bag.
00:06:08
An identical machete rests among your things.
00:06:13
You have never owned a machete.
00:06:16
Please consider this, science tells us that there are more animals to be discovered.
00:06:23
This means that there are more varieties of milk than what is currently available on grocery store shelves.
00:06:33
Ah, but consider this, please.
00:06:38
Somewhere around year two of the pandemic, you got into a fermentation for about three weeks.
00:06:44
Now, years later, you reopened the cupboard to find your kombucha scoby has grown a limb, fingers, and has been reaching for the rim of the jar.
00:06:53
But you also find that the poor thing has desiccated completely, long before it could ever reach freedom.
00:07:00
You feel a little sad, a new thing in the world, a new becoming, smothered in the dry darkness of its crib by your own negligence.
00:07:10
You wish I'd leave that the scoby could have escaped, even if that meant it would have terrorized you in the night.
00:07:17
At least it would have meant something, that way.
00:07:24
Phase two Would you, could you, please, consider this.
00:07:30
A breeding pair of white rabbits is placed underneath a pressurized hemisphere of chrome.
00:07:36
Two months later, the lid is removed.
00:07:38
To reveal a living hemisphere of white rabbit underneath.
00:07:44
Hmm, but what about this?
00:07:47
You're working on your latest painting.
00:07:49
It's only a hobby, but you find it quite relaxing, quite soothing.
00:07:54
Reaching for Thalogreen, you find that you're out.
00:07:58
This won't do.
00:08:00
You rush to your nearest art store.
00:08:02
But when you ask for Thalogreen, the cashier doesn't understand what you mean.
00:08:07
They ask, "What is this green?"
00:08:12
You grab a nearby swatch and point to it.
00:08:15
"Green."
00:08:16
"Green!" The cashier looks sheepish.
00:08:20
I'm sorry, but that's red.
00:08:23
You point to emerald, sap, veridian, green, those, please, they're all red.
00:08:33
You find it yourself.
00:08:35
You always have to do things yourself.
00:08:37
Now you can finish your painting and relax.
00:08:41
It'll be so nice to relax.
00:08:44
As you walk to your car, smoke billows out of the store windows behind you.
00:08:49
Beautiful, green flames crackle within.
00:08:54
Ah, but consider this.
00:08:57
A fetal Tasmanian devil is placed into the pouch of an adult red kangaroo.
00:09:02
Unlike most members of its species, the devil grows to be over six feet tall and 190 pounds, with long hind limbs capable of propelling it to speeds over 37 miles per hour.
00:09:16
Like most members of its species, it maintains an insatiable hunger for both living and putrid flesh.
00:09:25
Consider this, please.
00:09:27
One of your students has taken to eating glue and you call their home in concern.
00:09:32
You're met with a bemused chuckle and calm voice.
00:09:37
It's doctor's orders, the parents assure you, to mend that broken thing inside them.
00:09:43
But have you considered this?
00:09:46
It's Thanksgiving and you're getting into it with your uncle again.
00:09:49
Same old avenues, immigration, police budgets, safe injection sites, and then you get to taxes.
00:09:56
Oh, brother, the government's got its grubby hand in my pocket, and yours too, he says.
00:10:04
Ridiculous.
00:10:05
Later on, you're outside finishing a smoke.
00:10:08
You reach into your coat for gum, the family things you've quit, and you need to mask the smell on your breath.
00:10:15
As you do, you feel something odd, not keys, not your lighter.
00:10:21
You hear a muffled murmur, tugging your pocket open with one finger.
00:10:26
You peer down to see a tiny man in a tiny, frumpy suit crawling amongst your things.
00:10:34
You recognize him.
00:10:36
You're fairly certain he's a cabinet minister.
00:10:39
Clutching a dime under his arm, he raises one finger in a silent, shushing motion.
00:10:46
You consider this for a moment, and then slowly close the pocket.
00:10:52
Tell if you're going to admit to that old bastard that he's right.
00:10:57
To hell upon this for a short while, in a...considering manner.
00:11:01
The world's richest man implants brain chips into several dozen great apes, each of whom would pass any reasonable scientific test for a personhood.
00:11:10
So many of the apes go insane and die horribly, some of them having torn their own faces off in the process.
00:11:18
Nobody really sees an issue with this.
00:11:20
It barely gets reported on, and nobody is in trouble afterward.
00:11:24
The brain chips move on to human trials almost immediately, and the world's richest man continues to abuse ketamine.
00:11:33
Think about this for a moment.
00:11:34
Would you please, vile, dripping scorpion, with a body as heavy as a bag of keys, but with the perfect buttery wings of a dove.
00:11:46
Please, consider this, while scrolling social media, you come across a scam ad for a drop shipping company that claims to be selling...you...it's a scam.
00:11:59
You know that you can't be the actual product, but you can't resist.
00:12:04
You punch in your card info and place in order.
00:12:08
Two weeks later, a large cardboard box arrives at your front door.
00:12:13
It shutters at your touch.
00:12:16
Ah, but consider this.
00:12:19
You're driving down the highway in a green country near the end of summer.
00:12:23
The skies are dark and lash, you're windshield with rain.
00:12:27
A head of you looms the black column of a tornado.
00:12:30
You can already feel its rumble through the steel undercarriage of your car.
00:12:34
It's heading straight toward you.
00:12:36
You take the next right to avoid its path, and find a head of you.
00:12:39
The thundering immensity of...a second tornado.
00:12:43
A faded plastic aloha girl hanging from your rear-view mirror begins to dance.
00:12:48
You crank the stick shift, rip through a three-point turn to go the other direction.
00:12:53
And then your jaw goes slack as you see the worm coil of a third funnel cloud touching down against the black sky.
00:13:00
You hit the brakes, turning your seat, and go completely cold.
00:13:05
In every direction of the compass, some eight or ten...no, twelve.
00:13:11
Now, fourteen and sixteen tornadoes rumble muted in the distance.
00:13:17
All of them...converging on you.
00:13:22
Ah, yes.
00:13:24
One moment please, just allow me to...
00:13:47
Phase three.
00:13:49
Consider this.
00:13:50
You're lying in bed, and your phone is just out of reach.
00:13:55
You stretch, but it's just a little bit too far.
00:13:59
You...stretch.
00:14:03
The skin unravels from your fingertips.
00:14:05
The bones of your fingers hand and forearm continue to extend, extrude, oh glory, arcingly empty space and lengths of reddened alabaster.
00:14:18
Please consider this.
00:14:23
You and your friends rent a cottage for the long weekend.
00:14:27
When you arrive, you see that the owner has left behind a list of rules.
00:14:31
One asks you not to flush anything besides toilet paper down the toilet.
00:14:36
As good guests, you abide by the rule.
00:14:39
In fact, you even take it upon yourself to clean the toilet with bleach before leaving.
00:14:44
But when you flush the cleaning product, you hear a horrible groan coming up to the pipes.
00:14:51
Worried about your safety deposit, you and your friends go into the basement?
00:14:55
You follow the pipes down into a small crawl-space door.
00:14:59
By the light of your phones, you find the problem.
00:15:04
A dying man, lips still wrapped around the end of the wastewater pipe, is belly filled to bursting, like a blister.
00:15:15
Ooh, this is something we'd like you to please consider.
00:15:20
This will be the year that you finally learn to play the violin.
00:15:25
It will not be by your choice.
00:15:28
But please consider this.
00:15:31
You head down to the malt shop where the soda jerk is an old buddy of yours from high school.
00:15:36
When you arrive, the cashier tells you its self-service now and nods toward the machine in the corner of the room.
00:15:42
The machine is chunky and heavy, ominous and dark.
00:15:48
It seems to draw light toward it, and when you move the spigot arm, it makes a heavy clunk before belching out thick, foamy cherry soda into your cup.
00:15:58
There's something about the machine's personality that reminds you of your old friend.
00:16:03
Tim Olson, the big kind sweet, used to play offensive line in high school.
00:16:10
You wonder what happened to him, and that gets you thinking about what'll happened to all the nation's soda jerks now that these new machines are here.
00:16:17
Well, you bounce your 15 cent coin off the countertop and step out into the bright American day.
00:16:23
"Always got to be a price for progress," you suppose.
00:16:28
You never notice the single strand of white blonde, sweetish hair sticking to the inside of your cup.
00:16:36
Please consider this, a Pegasus perfectly adapted to life in hard vacuum, with ferrous exoskeleton and numerous swollen gas bledders.
00:16:50
Consider this, you come home to find that your cat has gotten into the goldfish bowl.
00:16:55
Yes, that's right, you come home to find the goldfish has somehow drowned your cat.
00:17:03
Consider this, your straight-laced coworker comes in after the long weekend looking hungover and embarrassed.
00:17:10
In the break room, you casually ask them what they got up to.
00:17:15
They whisper that they got a little too drunk at a family reunion and ended up getting "Attatoo," your eyes widen.
00:17:23
Them, a tattoo, you look around and then ask, "Can I see it?"
00:17:30
The coworker takes you into an empty office and lifts their shirt.
00:17:34
Underneath you see a thick dotted line that arcs along their midsection.
00:17:39
They pull their shirt up more, revealing more dotted lines, sectioning off different parts of their body.
00:17:47
Each section is labeled, rib, chuck, brisket, short loin, lines twist and turn around their limbs,
00:17:57
tracing every inch of their body.
00:18:00
Later, around lunchtime, you see them in the kitchenette, standing over the cutlery drawer, staring at the steak knives.
00:18:11
Please, consider this, if you began digging a hole in the park near your home, it could take days before anyone noticed or stopped you,
00:18:23
by then you could have a very large hole.
00:18:27
And would you, if we asked please, consider this.
00:18:33
You started working out this year and you've been making steady progress, you're feeling strong, looking more toned and mostly satisfied with the changes.
00:18:43
There's only one problem.
00:18:46
No matter what you seem to try, your glutes haven't improved.
00:18:50
Hip thrusts, kickbacks, Romanian dead lifts, nothing's doing it.
00:18:56
You're walking with a friend one day, bemoaning this, and as you do, you cross paths with someone walking their dog.
00:19:03
The little, wiry-haired thing jumps up onto your leg and you reach down to pet it.
00:19:09
But you feel a strange sensation as you do, a pressure quickly building in your lower back side.
00:19:16
All of a sudden something bursts from your body, punching through your clothes, it's long, and flushy, and strong, and reaches up and over your head,
00:19:27
down again, and pierces the animal with a six inch stinger, pumping it full of venom.
00:19:34
You feel yourself pump it full of venom.
00:19:41
And the dog goes limp.
00:19:44
Ah, I feel positively fresh after that, don't you?
00:19:50
Like washing your face at the end of the day, exfoliating all the filth and bad thoughts.
00:19:58
I know it might've been scary going into it, the idea of having your mind hurled into the doot.
00:20:06
But I hope you know that we were there with you the whole time, holding your hand.
00:20:12
And those moments when you looked back and there was only one trail of slime in the sand, those were the times we held you in our arms.
00:20:21
Our many, many arms.
00:20:24
We're very proud of you.
00:20:27
Change can be difficult, especially when they were so much wrong with you, so very much to change.
00:20:35
But here we are on the other side, not right.
00:20:40
But a different kind of wrong.
00:20:43
The kind that lives in the eyes, and in the smile of a stranger passing you by on the sidewalk.
00:20:50
You see each other and not, knowingly, a kindred spirit, a fellow enlightened soul.
00:20:58
It won't be everyone you meet today or tomorrow.
00:21:03
But it will be more and more people every day.
00:21:06
And one day soon, everyone will face change.
00:21:11
Everyone will be correct.
00:21:15
Change is to say, wrong, and then things can truly begin.
00:21:22
[BLANK_AUDIO]
00:21:32
What a lovely, lovely acid trip 🫶