Can you heal from abuse?  What do I do after leaving my narcissist? What does a healthy relationship look like? These concerns cross the minds of over 20 people every minute; over 28,800 people every day.  And the sad fact is, we still don’t talk about it enough.  Healing from Emotional Abuse isn’t a bandaid situation.  But it doesn’t have to be a five year process either. Millions of other survivors around the worlds entires lives have been impacted by their narcissist.  Yours doesn’t have to.  To show you how to live a free, confident and peaceful life, your host and Founder of the Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy, Marissa F. Cohen.

January is stalking awareness month, so I thought it would be fitting to make the last January episode about stalking. 

The term “stalking” as defined by the Department of Justice, means engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for his or her safety or the safety of others or suffer substantial emotional distress.  Making someone feel unsafe in their surroundings or environment.  Stalking occurs when someone repeatedly harasses or threatens someone else, causing fear or safety concerns. According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 17 men have experienced stalking in their lifetimes, reported by the CDC.

I was chatting about this with a colleague of mine last week while having some coffee, and we were talking about harassment and stalking, and how common it is.  And I began to speak about experiences I have had with stalking, in college and in workplaces, and had this overwhelming sensation that, these are not experiences I have discussed much.  I rarely speak, in detail, about the three times I was aggressively stalked, and figured it was because stalking isn’t a common topic. In fact, it’s rarely given the same weight as rape or assault — people will generally overlook it until something physical happens.  But, stalking is extremely psychologically damaging.  You don’t feel safe anywhere.  Even if they never touch you, you feel unsafe in all areas of your life.

Have you ever experienced anything like this?  That subtle feeling that you’re being watched? The tension in the pit of your stomach that something isn’t right?  That unconscious need to peer over your shoulder consistently, but you don’t know what you’re looking for?  That’s the residue of the psychological impact that stalking has on a person. 



When I go to my alma mader, Rowan University to visit my old campus, or speak, I always find myself going to the one bar in the town for food.  Landmark.  Landmark is a big place.  It has 3 separate rooms and a “nightclub”.  I love the food there, but I find myself having this undeniable need to always be looking at the doors, or the entrances to the room I’m sitting in.  I can’t have anyone sitting behind me, or I peer over my shoulder a million times. 

And that goes back to a boy I dated in college for roughly one month.  After we broke up, he would find out where I was, using his Fraternity brothers and other greek life resources on campus, and then show up.  He would have his brothers stand in every corner, or by every exit of Landmark, watching me and monitoring everything I did.  He would position himself outside of my classrooms after all of my classes, or have his friends outside my classrooms or outside of the building to watch where I go, and make sure I wasn’t with anyone else. He would use his fraternity brother’s facebooks to stalk me and see where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing.  I was never one for posting all of my personal information anyways - but it really deterred me from even using social media.  It even boiled down to me asking my friends to cut down on posting or tagging me in things, for fear he’d show up.  Usually drunk. Always irate or crying.

I haven’t seen him since I graduated in 2014, and he hasn’t seen me in person either.  But I still have this unconscious need to see the front door at all times. 



I remember one night after class, my friend had to sneak me out of my classroom, and we maneuvered around through back doorways to get out of the building, because he was standing outside the room on a day that he texted me over 75 times in one hour, and didn’t answer.  I was scared of his reaction.  I was terrified of what he would say or do.  His behavior was erratic.  So, we snuck out the back-way, my friend came with me to my apartment so I could pack a bag, and we went back to his dorm where I stayed for a couple days while I made a safety plan.  And that’s just one example of one experience I had with him, one time.

If you haven’t watched the Netflix series, You, I recommend it.  Season 1 is painfully accurate regarding how the mind of a stalker works, as well as, signs and red flags that are commonly ignored or overlooked by stalking victims.  Season 2 is great too, it just has more of a “serial killer” vibe, and less of a stalking vibe.  The stalking is still there, but he’s more violent aggressively in Season 2.  So I’m going to focus mainly on season 1.  And this is a Fair warning, there will definitely be spoilers: SPOILERS!  For example, when Peach starts to notice that Joe is always around, or was conveniently at the train station and other places that Beck was at, but Beck ignored and justified it.  Overlooked weird things that Joe just knew about her, and how he would say the perfect thing.  And how he was always right there, at the festival and in the park.  Those are all big red flags. 

Joe’s obsession isn’t really about making Beck feel loved and comforted, it’s about taking full control of her life and surroundings, and isolating her, so nobody can penetrate the wall he’s building around her.  By encouraging her to stop spending time with her friends, and making her feel guilty or upset about wanting to spend time away from him, he is manipulating her free-will and controlling her life.  When you’re on the inside of it all, it’s difficult to see.  Especially with someone as coy and sneaky as Joe.  But those yellow and red flags, the uneasy feeling in your stomach that tells you something isn’t right, are huge warning signs, and shouldn’t be ignored. 

Penn Badgley, Joe,  is not an unknown actor.  He has been in hit films and shows like “John Tucker Must Die,” Gossip Girl, and Easy A. But after Netflix bought YOU from Lifetime, his twitter following blew up!  Great for him!  I’m really happy.  But the messages he was receiving on twitter were horrifying.  People would tweet at him and ask Joe to kidnap them, and that they wish someone would fight for them like Joe fights for Beck.  THAT IS NOT OKAY!  And Penn addressed this situation by trying to correct people’s mindsets about stalking.   Here a couple examples:

1. @PennBadgley kidnap me please
   
   1. Penn: No thanks
   
   


2. Said this already, but @PennBadgley is breaking my heart once again as Joe.  What is it about him?
   
   1. Penn: He is a murderer.
   
   


3. I’m telling you it’s your face that does it.  You’re gorgeous.  I can see past that crazy shit.
   
   1. Penn: But you’re supposed to see past my face TO the crazy shit!  It’s the other way! The Other Wayyyyyy Ugh!
   
   


4. The amount of people romanticizing @PennBadgley’s character in YOU scares me.
   
   1. Penn: Ditto!
   
   

And I have to agree.  The amount of people that are romanticizing stalking is sick.

Close your eyes and try to imagine this… or if you’re driving, don’t close your eyes, but imagine this scenario.  Have you ever been out at a bar or a coffee shop with a friend, where  you guys are sitting and catching up.  And you start to feel this burning sensation on the back of your neck, like someone is watching you?  You get a chill down your spine, and you can feel someone staring at you.  You know the feeling.  The chills roll down your back, and you look behind you, but nobody is there.  You can take a deep breath, and continue your conversation, and enjoy the rest of your time there.  Has that ever happened to you?  If you’re a victim of stalking, that feeling doesn’t go away.  Imagine living life always looking over your shoulder, and feeling like someone is watching.  My stalker stopped trying to find me in 2016, and I still find myself looking over my shoulder.  Even in places that he would never truly be in.  My guard is always up now. 

A common misconception that NEEDS to be addressed again, is being stalked isn’t romantic or flattering.  I wasn’t stalked because I’m cute or have a great personality.  I was stalked because a person who is controlling and manipulative worked his way into my routine, and did everything in his power to make me feel uncomfortable, vulnerable and scared.  I was stalked beca