Helping My Son Through Grief

Update: 2025-01-24

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Todd is looking for ideas on how to best support his newly-widowed and now single dad son.

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1.0x

Transcript

00:00:00

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00:00:25

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00:00:29

Todd, welcome to the program.

00:00:32

How you doing, Dr.

00:00:33

Laura?

00:00:34

Good.

00:00:34

How can I help?

00:00:38

Um, my daughter-in-law, um, I tried to get through this.

00:00:45

It was directly killed five months ago.

00:00:48

She was out jogging, a reckless driver ran up on the sidewalk and killed her.

00:00:53

Oh, no.

00:00:54

How old is she and how old is your son?

00:01:02

31 and 30.

00:01:05

Oh, jee.

00:01:07

Any kids?

00:01:09

Yes, 20 months old now and a four-year-old.

00:01:14

Oh, no.

00:01:17

So he took three months off in his in-laws who lived two hours away, moved in with him.

00:01:26

But the bad part was her-- she was running for her brother.

00:01:30

Her brother, tragically, was killed in a plane crash in a wide five years ago.

00:01:36

I'm sorry.

00:01:37

She was running for her brother.

00:01:38

What does that mean?

00:01:41

Running for like a-- I remember it's because her brother with the athlete and stuff, and he was tragically killed today.

00:01:51

And the 11 people in the plane died.

00:01:58

So the in-laws, her in-laws, had moved in, but they're dealing with a lot of bitterness because they feel like they were just about to get over the sun.

00:02:11

And now they feel like God is kicking them.

00:02:14

Now that their daughters come.

00:02:18

So my daughter moved out there six weeks ago.

00:02:23

That was always the plan to have the cousins grow up together.

00:02:27

And I was going to retire out there about four years.

00:02:30

My question to you is, what do we do with this grief?

00:02:36

And this is like-- You give it-- Sir, sir, you don't do something with grief.

00:02:42

You experience it.

00:02:45

And it takes time.

00:02:47

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00:02:52

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00:02:53

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00:06:01

- Everybody wants to jump in and make something better.

00:06:05

Doesn't work that way.

00:06:06

He's in shock.

00:06:09

He can't even, your son can't even understand raising two babies by himself.

00:06:13

He doesn't even understand the concept of it.

00:06:16

He's the guy, he's not the mom.

00:06:17

So his brain cells are blown.

00:06:21

He doesn't know what he's doing.

00:06:23

What he needs is moral support.

00:06:27

I think sometimes you should take him for a walk, a hike and just talk.

00:06:34

And don't try to fix anything.

00:06:38

Just as he says, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

00:06:40

I don't know how I can raise kids by myself.

00:06:43

You say, that makes total sense.

00:06:44

I'd be scared too.

00:06:46

It's good, you have all these parents around.

00:06:48

I'm sure we'll be annoying, but hopefully we'll also be helpful.

00:06:52

That's how you do it.

00:06:53

And then you keep walking.

00:06:54

So it's gentle.

00:06:58

There's nothing concrete that's going to make this better.

00:07:02

- He's turned the drinking.

00:07:06

Well, you've got to bring him to AA and tell him this isn't going to work.

00:07:11

You have two kids who are depending upon you.

00:07:14

You can't indulge yourself.

00:07:16

I'm bringing you to AA and I'm coming every day to bring you to an AA meeting.

00:07:20

This is crap.

00:07:22

You're a man.

00:07:23

This is not what a man does.

00:07:25

Your family needs you.

00:07:26

So that's what he needs from his dad.

00:07:28

Let them watch the two babies.

00:07:38

He needs you to help square him away and act like a man right now.

00:07:43

No matter how much pain he's in, he can't indulge his pain.

00:07:46

That's not what a man does.

00:07:50

And you've got to tell him that.

00:07:52

Nobody but you can tell him that.

00:07:55

You're the only one.

00:07:56

- Sorry.

00:07:57

- Well, like I say, I'm, he's out in the obvious coast, I'm in the Midwest.

00:08:05

Well, take a leave of absence.

00:08:07

Do something.

00:08:08

He needs you.

00:08:10

Take a leave of absence.

00:08:13

Happens.

00:08:14

People do that.

00:08:15

And kicking and screaming pull his hair but you're getting him in AA immediately.

00:08:23

- 'Cause he is going to a counselor if I said, you can't tell your counselor that.

00:08:30

- Counselor, it's going to be that something's wrong.

00:08:32

- Ask me what I think of his going to a counselor.

00:08:35

(blows raspberry)

00:08:38

- He needs you and he needs AA.

00:08:40

- Okay.

00:08:45

- He needs his dad saying, no.

00:08:48

You're not going to be drinking here.

00:08:52

No.

00:08:53

I know you're hurting.

00:08:58

I know you're hurting off the chart.

00:08:59

I can't even imagine facing life without her with two kids.

00:09:02

I can't even wrap my head around it, but you're not going to do it drinking.

00:09:07

I'm here to make sure that doesn't happen.

00:09:09

They're here to take care of the kids for you.

00:09:12

You have to man up right now, no matter how you feel.

00:09:16

Man how scared you are.

00:09:17

He's mostly scared, you know.

00:09:19

It's funny, you're talking about grief.

00:09:22

I would, I would say he's mostly terrified of how to do this job.

00:09:28

Be a dad to two kids.

00:09:31

How is he supposed to do that?

00:09:32

Who takes care of the babies while he's at work?

00:09:37

Well, how does this work?

00:09:38

He's scared more than anything.

00:09:41

And that's all mixed in with the grief of losing her in the shock.

00:09:47

I mean, he expected her to come home for dinner and yell at him about messing up the kitchen.

00:09:51

That's what he expected.

00:09:53

He didn't expect a police to end up at his door.

00:09:55

So he's in shock and he's scared.

00:09:59

That is the largest component of his grief right now.

00:10:02

And some counselor is probably just dealing with the grief.

00:10:05

That's how cynical I am about counselors.

00:10:09

I beg you, take a leave.

00:10:15

Go help him.

00:10:16

- Okay, I've previously just listened to you a long time, the first time call or those just happened.

00:10:25

- Well, call me anytime.

00:10:26

You go back east, call me from there, call me with him.

00:10:28

Tell him to call me whatever.

00:10:31

I'm here, whatever you need, I'll do what I can.

00:10:34

Okay?

00:10:35

- Thank you, Dr.

00:10:37

Power.

00:10:38

- All right, now I'm terribly sorry, but remember, he's in shock and he's scared.

00:10:43

Think of that more than keep using the word grief.

00:10:46

It's more complicated than that.

00:10:48

- Okay.

00:10:49

- All right, I want to do what you said.

00:11:00

- Good, thank you.

00:11:01

- My number 1-800-375-2872.

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Helping My Son Through Grief

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

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Helping My Son Through Grief

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Helping My Son Through Grief