When High Conflict Takes You By Surprise

Life can change dramatically when you unexpectedly encounter a person who demonstrates high conflict behavior. Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter from the High Conflict Institute in Scottsdale, Arizona, explore the unsettling experience of being blindsided by high conflict situations—whether in a new job, relationship, or family dynamic.

Understanding the Impact of Unexpected High Conflict
When high conflict behavior emerges unexpectedly, it often creates a destabilizing ripple effect. The initial confusion and self-doubt can leave anyone questioning their capabilities and judgment. This episode examines how these situations develop, from the early stages of confusion through the progression of mounting tension and isolation.

Recognizing High Conflict Patterns
The most challenging aspect of surprise high conflict situations is their ability to create self-doubt in even the most confident individuals. What begins as an attempt to improve communication or performance often escalates into a pattern of increasing criticism and isolation. Understanding these patterns helps identify when you're dealing with high conflict behavior rather than typical workplace or relationship challenges.

Questions We Answer in This Episode

• How do you recognize when self-doubt stems from high conflict behavior?
• What makes group high conflict situations especially challenging?
• Why do attempts to "try harder" often backfire with high conflict people?
• How can you protect yourself from high conflict surprises?

Key Takeaways

• Remember "It's not about me" when facing unexpected criticism
• 90% of people don't engage in high conflict behavior
• Physical distance can help manage high conflict situations
• Trust your experience with non-high conflict relationships
• Setting clear limits with consequences can be effective

High conflict surprises can happen to anyone, anywhere. This episode provides practical insights for recognizing, understanding, and managing these challenging situations while maintaining your confidence and perspective.

Additional Resources

Expert Publications

• It’s All Your Fault at Work! Dealing with Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People - Managing High Conflict Workplace Dynamics
• 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life - Understanding High Conflict Behavior

Professional Development

• New Ways for Couples & Families: Online relationship strengthening course
• ConflictInfluencer.com: Advanced conflict management training (Coming Soon)

Connect With Us

• Visit High Conflict Institute: highconflictinstitute.com
• Submit questions for Bill and Megan
• Browse our complete collection of books and resources in our online store—available in print and e-book formats
• Find these show notes and all past episode notes on our website

Important Notice

Our discussions focus on behavioral patterns rather than diagnoses. For specific legal or therapeutic guidance, please consult qualified professionals in your area.

• (00:00 ) - Welcome to It's All Your Fault


• (00:32 ) - High Conflict Surprises


• (01:38 ) - Updates


• (02:33 ) - Bill’s Example


• (08:07 ) - What Happens In Our Minds


• (10:03 ) - Progression and Impact


• (12:02 ) - CARS Method


• (19:23 ) - Recentering Yourself


• (22:59 ) - New on the Job


• (25:09 ) - High Conflict Traps


• (26:19 ) - Target of Blame


• (28:00 ) - Larger Groups


• (30:43 ) - Wrap Up


• (31:45 ) - Reminders