How can you tell the difference between the courtship of a mature man and the trap of an abuser? I often receive requests from women asking the same question: "How can I tell if a man is truly worthy of me? His courtship is so intense, but something inside me is worried." Indeed, the topic of courtship is one of the most sensitive and painful. Today, I want to discuss with you what the courtship of a psychologically healthy, mature man looks like and how you can identify an abuser masquerading as an ideal suitor.Romance or basic needs? Which is more important?Let's start with a classic dilemma. A woman came to my consultation and shared the following: "We've been dating for three months. I want flowers and romance, but he's happy to bring me beef ribs, cheese, and sausage, filling my fridge with food. I feel uncomfortable saying that I don't eat these things; I want champagne and flowers."So, is this man adequate? Of course, he is! He shows care in the most fundamental way — by meeting your basic needs. This is deeply masculine. On the other hand, it should be a cause for concern when a man focuses solely on romance, showering you with impressive surprises while completely ignoring your daily, mundane needs. This imbalance raises questions about the authenticity of his intentions.A mature man shows care in many ways. Yes, romance — flowers, attention, open doors — is pleasant and important. But if you once mentioned a desired book, and a couple of days later it appears in your hands — this is a sign not just of falling in love, but of real inclusion in your life. The main marker: respect for your boundariesThe most important criterion that I advise you to pay attention to is how a man respects your personal boundaries.The behavior of a mature man: his appearance in your life does not make you feel obligated. He does not put pressure on you, does not throw tantrums, and does not make you feel guilty. For example, he may bring you fruit and flowers, hug you at the door, and say, "Go about your business, and we'll see each other when you have time." His attention is a gift, not a tool for manipulation.The abuser's behavior: they will push these boundaries. A classic example is when they call your doorbell and demand, "Come out, I want to see you," despite your fatigue or busy schedule. Their goal is to disrupt your values, lifestyle, and focus your attention on them. They use time-deprivation tactics, forcing you to sacrifice your plans for their immediate desires.A mature man gives you the opportunity to be yourself, express yourself, and live your own life. He doesn't try to change you to fit his own image. With him, you don't feel like a "better version of yourself," but rather like yourself, and that's perfectly fine with you. The rhythm of communication: predictability vs. emotional roller coastersAnother common question is, "Is it normal if he doesn't text every day?"The answer depends on the context. If you've been communicating in this rhythm from the very beginning—writing infrequently but accurately, and it's worked for both of you—then yes, this is your norm.An alarming sign is unpredictability. Today, he bombards you with 300 messages, and then disappears for a week as if nothing had happened. This "emotional roller coaster" is a classic sign of either an abuser who keeps you on your toes or an uninterested man who only remembers you when he's bored.This communication format is dangerous for women with low self-esteem and emotional dependence. They lack their own autonomy and subconsciously seek someone who will constantly "attack" them with attention. This is why they often pass by worthy, mature men who respect their space, mistaking this balance for coldness and lack of feelings.I have said countless times in my programs that in order to attract an adequate partner, you need to get out of the state of codependency and develop psychological maturity. Otherwise, you will unconsciously reject good men, mistaking their respect for indifference. Quality of time: direct communication vs. "indirect dating"A very revealing aspect is the form of dating that a man offers.I don't recommend "indirect dates" for couples who are just getting to know each other. What are these? Meeting friends, going to the movies, and attending noisy parties. Think about it: a man in love at the movies is not looking at the screen, but at his companion. He's not interested in the movie, he's interested in her. Why do you need a movie when you can spend time together? Choose a format where you can talk, hold hands, and share your thoughts and dreams. If a man constantly invites you "to join the company," he may be avoiding true intimacy. Honesty vs. Debt: The Price of CourtshipA separate story is the financial aspects of courtship. If a wealthy man gives you an iPhone, it may be like leaving a tip for him. However, if a young man who considers such a purchase a significant expense takes out a loan to create a "wow" effect, it is a cause for concern. Love bombing (bombarding with love and expensive gifts) is a common tool of manipulation. It is almost impossible to determine the true motives on your own. In such situations, an honest and open conversation is the only solution.I had a client who drove himself into clinical depression and debt trying to live up to the lifestyle of a rich girl. When he tearfully confessed everything to her in a couples counseling session, she replied, "You silly thing! How could I have known? I didn't need those bags, I love you." They got married.Honesty is the foundation. Many men, unable to cope with the weight of their own expectations, simply turn around and leave without trying to talk. Remember: no one should be "pulling" anyone else. A sincere dialogue can solve any problems. I've been through this with my wife, and her words of "I believe in you" have been the best expression of love and have given me the strength to achieve my goals. Bottom line: your dynamics are your filterOne last but crucial piece of advice: take your time.I had a terrible story: a man from London was remotely courting a girl from St. Petersburg, and when she couldn't fly back quickly, he couldn't handle the dynamic and sent her explicit photos. Abusers can't handle the pace set by a woman, which allows her to maintain her boundaries. They either lash out in aggression or feel hurt. A mature man would never do that. He would give you time and space to make a decision. He would be there for you without disrupting your rhythm.Learn to see not only the bright wrapping of courtship, but also its essence. Respect, predictability, honesty, and respect for your boundaries are the true signs of a worthy man. If you find it difficult to recognize such signs and keep attracting unsuitable partners, I have a free program called "Am I the Only One: Convenient or Unique?" It includes a webinar titled "How to Marry a Worthy Man." We are working on your inner program, and in a few weeks, you will be able to start attracting appropriate and mature men into your life.