I BELIEVE YOU

When you tell me you are scared A-F#m

I will listen ‘cause I care F#m-A

I remember bein’ scared too Bm-F#m

So when you tell me, I believe you E-A

When you’re angry or you’re sad

Even if you’re feeling bad

I remember feelin’ bad too

So when you tell me, I believe you

Maybe I can help you with an idea D-C#m

Maybe I know something that’ll make things clear Bm-A

Maybe I won’t know what to do D-C#m

But I can be a safe place, and I believe you E-A

When I was a kid, I cried

Had a secret deep inside

But the grown-ups could not see

I thought “Something must be wrong with me”

(whistling instrumental)

So when you tell me you are scared

I will listen ‘cause I care

I remember bein’ scared too

So when you tell me, I believe you.

When you tell me, I believe you.

When you tell me, ... I believe you.

Written by Peter Alsop, ©1992, Moose School Music (BMI)

On Wake-Up! dvd, Chris Moose Holidays, and Songs On Recovery & Addiction

www.peteralsop.com

Did you know that feelings are contagious? When someone around us feels sad, do you ever notice that you kind of feel sad too? So, we say things like, “What’s wrong?” or “Don’t feel sad!” or “Let’s go get something to eat!”. We hope to distract them, or fix their problem or cheer them up. Our goal seems to be that we want to help them, … but often, it’s because we don’t want to feel sad ourselves!

Many of us grew up in families and cultures where it wasn’t okay to show or express our painful feelings in any way, so now, when we feel angry, sad or scared, it also feels embarrassing, … like we’re doing something wrong! And to avoid that, we say things like: “Cheer up!” ~ “Don’t be scared!” ~ “It’s okay, … calm down!” ~ or as a last resort, “Oh c’mon! I don’t believe THAT!”

It would be great, if the next time we feel sad, scared or angry, someone would come up to us and gently say, “Wow, … you look really sad, (or scared or angry). I feel really sad too sometimes. I’ll just sit here with you if you want.” And then they don’t try to cheer us up, or calm us down or tell us what to do or that they don’t believe us. People who can do that, are people who know how to create ‘a safe space’ for others.

Illustration by Terri Asher

I’ve learned that in order to be a ‘safe place’ for others, we need to have our own ‘healthy feelings vocabulary’. When we actually pay attention to our feelings and become familiar with our own sadness and fears and angers, then we can be around those upset ‘contagious’ feelings from others. Building a ‘healthy feelings vocabulary’ means we learn to manage our own painful feelings, so we don’t have to ‘stop’ others or ‘shut them down’ to avoid having our own feelings triggered. We know what our sadness, anger and fear feels like, so we don’t have to be afraid if they surface in response to our empathy with other people’s strong feelings.

The hardest part of learning how to be a ‘safe place’ for me, was to just ‘be present and listen’. I always want to jump in and solve their problems, instead of helping them figure out what might be best for them to do. When I can be quiet and listen, and allow them to talk, it helps them figure out their own best ways to proceed. I know that when I’m frightened, sad or angry, and I tell someone else about my strong feelings, ... it doesn’t help much when they jump in and tell me what to do, or how to feel! All it does is convince me that I don’t want to tell them about my deep feelings anymore, because they just showed me that they aren’t really a very ‘safe person’ to tell!

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