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In this week's tour of the world's Crooks, F*ckwits & Morons:

1. Australia unleashes world’s smallest controversy as PM backs morbid New Wave over Punk, Glam & anthemic Britpop. No Oasis tix for you sir!
2. Trump admits White House rebuild fail: "Movers lost The Epstein Files!"
3. Lily Allen follow up album "David You're Still a C*nt" out next week!; and
4. On the Barrier Reef, like in the Marines, no-one gets left behind. Except the sick, the weak and the old! Suck it, Grandma!

Also from the week that made Sussan Ley grateful to lead the Liberal Party:

• Trump pardons Binance CEO Electron McBribeface for 5 billion cryptocoins, a Big Mac and a handjob from Putin
• Ontario trolls Trump by re-animating Reagan: catch his new pic “Knut Rockne, All-Canadian!”
• Human Jockstrap Pete Hegseth defends killing randos at sea: “I may be a fuckwit, alcoholic and cheat but I prefer to be known as a murderer”
• House Speaker Mike 'Throbbin' Johnson rules out Trump 3rd term, Congress ever returning to work
• FBI Director Kash Patel gets laid in Nashville - “That booty so good I couldn’t see crooked!”
• Virginia 6yo shoots his shot. With a gun. At his teacher. US gun laws just so reasonable!
• US soybean sales sprout to all-time gweilo hi-lo, 12 out of 10 Xi-by baby! (Translation: zero)
• Sybil hangs up on Basil for the last time. We place tribute Cup bet on Farty Towels!
• Lily Allen further new album “They're David's Buttplugs Everyone!” out on c*nt’s birthday
• Re-elected 92yo Cameroon President thanks "supporters who’ve been there since the very beginning" and are all now ghosts
• Brisbane High HSC students order Caesar salad, get Augustus Gloop. Or was that Orange Julius? Alexander the Grape?!
• And in Instant Experts love news: it’s outta the frying pan into the fire as Melbourne Melissa takes the love from hot tub to hot tent!
• While the rain in Spain falls mainly on the Acting Chief Justice: as elite equestrienne Lady Rebecca of Centennial Park spurns his advances! Doth she protest too much? Stay tuned for more (un)dressage! 

In the comedy podcast with all the latest news, explained by idiots - The Honk & Henry Lee (Donald Trump Jr helping Navy find disgusting narco-terrorist Julz 'Da Goood Shiz' Gomez’s missing cokesub)

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Produced, mixed, compiled, edited by Junior 

Add. editing: Headcount guy, Coral Expeditions 

Titles edited by King Charles III while on a roll

White noise by Sir James Dyson

Jam ya dunny with monster turds? Call Andrew Mountbatten Windsor now!

Digital design/social media: Guantanamo Babe

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