Letting Go of Stuff Isn’t So Simple
Description
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
When I was in my 20s, I volunteered with several friends to help Vicki, a departing co-worker, and her husband load all their worldly possessions into an enormous U-Haul truck. Item by item, we marched chairs, tables, floor cushions, kitchen implements, a hatrack, and other disorganized bits and pieces from house to truck. We were at it for more than three hours. “You sure have a lot of stuff,” one tiring young crew member said. Vicki turned sharply, put a hand on her hip, and said, “That’s what marriage is all about – accumulating stuff.”
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In the dozen or so moves my wife and I have made since then, we have gradually progressed from U-Haul trailer to U-Haul truck to professional movers as our own accumulated stuff increased in tonnage. Now we’re on the downward side of the curve, trying to reduce our possessions to fit in smaller and smaller living spaces. And we find – surprise, surprise – that downsizing is not a purely physical task. It’s highly emotional.
People often say you are what you eat. Psychologists say that also, you are what you buy. One reason parting with possessions is such sweet sorrow is that we tend to see our purchases as part of us. “Our possessions become extensions of our identity, so letting them go feels threatening,” says Indiana psychologist Ralph Waldo.
For example, my guitar prowess played a key role in the successful courtship of my wife. The guitar is in the basement gathering dust, but can I part with it without losing an important part of myself?
Marketers have done nothing to dissuade us from connecting consumer purchases to personal identity, whether it’s the all-electric automobile or the perfect house on the hill. Thanks in part to their encouragement, the average American has compiled $6,500 of credit card debt.
Sentimental Objects
But our possessions are more than the sum of our purchases. There are also objects handed down by family members and gifts from loved ones and friends. We may not see these objects daily or use them ever, but the sentimental attachment is powerful. Grandmother’s over-the-top beaux arts pitcher never gets used, but it’s associated with treasured memories of grandmother and past family gatherings. Letting go of the pitcher feels like dishonoring an ancestor.
Guilt, in other words, is one reason we may be reluctant to part with our stuff. Another reason is projection of future need, as in: “You never know when I might need to use this again.” A third is personal identity, as in the aforementioned guitar.
But if you’re serious about decluttering, psychologists and professional move managers suggest shifting your mindset – seeing decluttering not as a loss but an opportunity. Some potential new mindsets:
Storytelling. The pleasant memories of your grandmother that you associate with her pitcher will not be passed to your children. To them, it’s just a pitcher. What’s important is not the object but the stories you can share about grandmother. Use the decluttering as an opportunity to voice those stories. Taking a photograph of the object will help you recall the stories. Also, a photograph takes up far less space.
Utility. Is the object something you use today? And “use today” does not mean “might use someday.” If you use it, keep it. If you don’t employ it now, let it go.
Realignment. Who we were is not who we are. “When we let go of things, it can feel like we’re letting go of a part of ourselves,” says Tracy Lynn, founder of Declutter in Minutes. “But we’re not. We’re simply creating room for who we are now.” Letting go of objects from our past doesn’t erase who we were, she adds. “It simply makes space for who you’re becoming.”
Look for Helpers
Remember, you don’t have to declutter alone. Many companies make it their business to help organize the task for you. My wife and I worked with a company that is essentially a vertically integrated relocation management. They helped us make decisions about what to keep and what to toss, then they sold those items that had value and subtracted the revenue from their fee. In the end, we came out ahead by hundreds of dollars.
There is also evidence that decluttering our spaces helps declutter our minds and improve our well-being. A study during the pandemic found that decluttering increased a sense of control over situations. In another study, letting go of clothing items led to more awareness of consumption habits and better alignment between consumption habits and needs.
Don’t let clutter defeat you. Take charge! Treasure your memories but clear out your yesterdays to make room for who you are today.
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