Loving someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a journey many walk but few discuss openly. As the partner, you stand in a unique and often challenging place. You may feel confused by triggers, hurt by what feels like rejection, and helpless in your desire to connect with the person you love. The past trauma can feel like a third person in your marriage, impacting everything from sexual intimacy to everyday affection.

You are not alone in this. And more importantly, there is hope.

Healing is possible, not just for the survivor, but for the relationship. We invited author, speaker, and survivor Mary DeMuth to Normalize therapy for a compassionate and practical conversation. She and her husband, Patrick, have navigated this path and offer a rare window into the journey from both sides.

https://youtu.be/XcpGYV0JfJ8

Here is an edited transcript of our conversation, offering practical wisdom for partners who are committed to loving their spouse toward healing.

Meet Mary DeMuth: A Survivor’s Perspective

Caleb: Mary, thank you so much for joining us. Your willingness to speak on difficult topics like this is a lifeline for so many. Before we dive in, for listeners who may not be familiar with your story, could you share a little bit about why this topic is so close to your heart?

Mary: Yeah. So as you mentioned, I am a survivor of sexual assault in, uh, several different kinds of forms, primarily one year as a kindergartner, uh, for multiple times. And so there’s just a lot of sexual brokenness there.

Knowing the statistics and knowing how many people, whether men or women who have been sexually assaulted… it deeply impacts your intimate relationships. And… no one ever talked to us about it, and it was not an easy climb out of that hole. So I just am here to offer some hope because there were many years where I felt hopeless about it.

The “Hottie For Your Honey Seminar”: Why Culture Gets Sex Wrong for Survivors

Caleb: In one of your articles, Mary, you described being at a woman’s conference where the speaker was exhorting women to be a “hottie for your honey”. And… your description of feeling so uncomfortable and out of place… you also use the phrase of feeling like a “skinny girl at a sumo wrestling seminar,” that kind of really powerful image of feeling alienated. Can you talk about that gap between the common cultural or church narrative about marital sex and the actual reality for survivors of childhood sexual abuse?

Mary: I remember sitting in that room… and I was so mad. I knew the statistics and I knew that between anywhere from 40 to 75% of those women had been sexually assaulted in some way. And for them to be forced or pressured… to act a certain way, was hard enough for someone with no injury, but… almost impossible for someone with sexual injury.

There’s two problems. One problem is, as a survivor of sexual abuse, some of the things they were telling us to do were impossible for me, at least at that time.

The second part was that in a lot of these spaces… they’ll be like, “Don’t have sex before marriage”. Okay, great. The moment you’re married, then suddenly… you have to just be a hundred percent okay with everything when you’ve been told that it’s bad and awful and terrible up until that point. So if you take those two things together, if you’re a sexual abuse victim and you’ve been raised in that kind of evangelical complex… it makes for a very disappointing and freaked out… wedding night.

Caleb: Yeah. And then day of marriage, you’re supposed to flip a switch… I can’t even imagine layering on top of that when you’re a survivor of sexual violence and your body is just like, “What? This is safe now?” It’s very confusing.

Beyond the Bedroom: When Even a Hug Feels Unsafe

Caleb: And so while it… makes sense that the sexual intimacy is a huge challenge, you’ve also written about how trauma affects… everyday non-sexual affection too. You used… this beautiful and kind of funny metaphor about it being easier to “chase an aloof cat” than to hug your own family sometimes. Can you unpack that for us? How does the trauma footprint extend beyond sex into daily acts of physical touch?

Mary: Well typically, and not always, but typically in an abusive situation, um, your body helps you by disassociating you. For instance, when I was being harmed… as a five-year-old, I’d fly up to the top of the trees. I would dissociate from it. And… that becomes this like safety pattern for you… this fear of connecting with your body.

I also was raised in a home where there was very little affection. I had to beg for it. And so when my kids would be injured, I knew what the right thing to do was. I knew that I needed to comfort them. I needed to wrap my arms around them. …but that was not innate to me. And I, so I had to tell myself to do those things… My fallback was to disassociate.

And so I had to coach myself internally. Like, “Your child is crying. They need a hug”. …there’s a huge vulnerability in eye to eye contact or kissing or hugging. You… open yourself up… to be harmed if you’re vulnerable that way.

Caleb: …it makes a lot of sense that it does have that reach. And it’s almost like you had to coach yourself into that… real time… to remind yourself, “Okay, this is safe right here. This is my child.”

Mary: Yes, at along with a begging of the Lord, “Please help me do this naturally”. …there was a real ache inside of me of I just… I’m tired of coaching myself and I want this to be a natural thing.

The Partner’s View: “Why Doesn’t She Love Me This Way?”

Caleb: …just shifting a little bit toward the partner experience. One of the things that you have written about… is from your husband, Patrick. …he wrote part of, Not Marked. …at the end of every chapter, he shares his perspective. For the husband or partner listening right now who feels… completely lost or just… unsure, what were some of Patrick’s initial reactions, uh, misunderstandings when you realized the depth of how your past was impacting your present?

Mary: I think part of the problem was… myself. When we started dating, I’ve, I’m always a very open book… He knew all about the sexual abuse. But I couched it in, “But God has healed me”. Not understanding that the moment I had sex, I would be 100% triggered. Not realizing that I would be on layers and layers and layers of healing for the rest of my life.

So… to be fair to him, I… did disclose. He thought everything was fine. ’cause I told him it was fine. And the moment we got married… I just pushed it down because I wanted to be this godly Christian wife. Any sort of… terror or fear, I just tolerated it. Now that is not fun for a couple.

And then… his bewilderment over, “Why… does she have to psych herself up and why doesn’t she love me this way?” “Why is it hard? It’s like a chore for her, but for me it’s a delight”. …for several years I just pretended… because I wanted to be a good Christian girl.

Caleb: …it makes sense too that when you… don’t really have a frame for fully understanding what’s going on, like perhaps in Patrick’s case, it’s easy to blame yourself or to… interpret it as rejection.

Mary: 100%. He felt rejected. I mean, it’s a valid feeling because it happened. …it wasn’t intentional. I was… trying my hardest, but it still feels that way.

I think… he even said once he was just… really, really mad at those neighborhood boys that did that to me as a 5-year-old… because they stole something from our marriage. And I agree they did.

The Turning Point: From Helpless Anger to Empathetic Partner

Caleb: In one article I read Patrick wrote with incredible honesty about his own journey from feeling helpless and angry… to becoming a safe place for you. What… was that turning point for him?

Mary: When I was writing, Not Marked… he started reading some books about… trauma and sexual trauma and his eyes were really open. And he… was like, “Oh my gosh… You are trying so hard. And you, I thought you weren’t trying at all”.

…there’s this metaphor… I talked about this maze… I was at the end of the maze and there were a hundred obstacles before I would make it to the end. He was at toward the end of the maze and had to make maybe two or three turns to get to the end. …he finally realized that I was at the back of the maze and I was just beginning my journey. …he thinks we’re starting at the same place. But I’m way back here.

Caleb: …it makes a ton of sense. And I… love the fact that he read books too. …it sounds like that was a real turning point for him just getting educated about the experience of survivors.

Practical Advice for Partners: How to Rebuild Safety and Trust

Initiating Intimacy Without Causing a Trigger

Caleb: What practical advice can you offer partners on how to initiate intimacy, both emotional and physical, in a way that feels safe and honoring to their survivor spouse?

Mary: A sexual abuse victim had no agency… and obviously no intimacy before that happened. …a sexual abuse victim feels raped, even though it is not the intention of the spouse. They would be completely devastated to hear that. But it’s a reality.

And so you have to be extra cautious about… approaching your spouse if you’ve done no deposits into the relational bank. [We] will just feel so used, like “I’m just a body to you.” …it will trigger us back.

Now that’s a different thing… than them doi