[The original recording for The Phantom Pain was 12 hours of tape recorded over three sessions, so we split this into two parts. Pour one out for Brendan for editing this behemoth, too.]

Anyone can give up this fight by uninstalling and playing Battlefield 6. But the feeling of arguing about this fucking game? That, we'll never forget. Like our missing foreskins, the sensation lingers. We hold crap in inflamed colons. We stride forward in the Osiris shoes of our fallen comrades. We stand tall in Seven For All Mankind jeans, as we approach year 11 of this shit. Then, and only then, are we alive. This pain is ours, and ours alone. A secret game that is both the greatest thing ever made, and the shoddiest. Our heterosexual romantic sexual partners who are women can never know. We will be stronger than ever, for our peace.

This is it, the bittersweet finale to a journey that began in the middle of the 20th century, when Jack met Joy. If this game had been either markedly better or catastrophically worse, it's doubtful it would've become the madness rune it's known as today. There really isn't anything else like The Phantom Pain, or at least, games that share a lot of the same traits could not be more different. Imagine a game billed as the modern update to a series that saw its heyday during the 2000s. The developers and publishers hype up the comprehensively overhauled gameplay, graphics, art direction, and writing. Despite the excitement, the dev cycle is about as shitty as it could possibly be. It's so plainly "not done" that the final copy is riddled with the uncleared debris from features, levels, characters, and story beats that just didn't make it in. This could be the Saint's Row that came out in 2022. If you also needed to be logged into the publisher's servers at all times to enjoy every feature of the largely single player game you paid for, and there was obnoxious in-game currency, though? Then, you would have Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain.

Everyone has games they know are "bad" but love nonetheless. That's not what this is. This is the greatest game to ever be fucked up in such a specific fashion. Or, it's the shittiest game that sticks with you forever. It's probably the best stealth action gameplay ever offered to consumers. It features some of the best and worst writing Kojima and co. have ever put out. It's endlessly frustrating and enamoring, worse than everything that shares its greatest qualities, and better than anything that shares its most glaring flaws. And really, that may be the most charming aspect: you do not make something this ambitious and messy without swinging for the fences. It's heartening to know that there was enough of a fire inside the veterans at Kojima Productions to really go for it in such a fashion.